romad_20
07-01-2008, 09:01 PM
http://http://www.dickipedia.org/dick.php?title=Kobe_Bryant
Kobe Bryant
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Kobe Bean Bryant (born August 23, 1978) is a shooting guard for the Los Angeles Lakers of the National Basketball Association, a “rapper,” a “raper,” a husband, a father, and a dick.
Yes, his middle name is Bean. Also, if you were thinking that Bryant's unique first name was a result of his parents' diverse, multicultural interests, you would be incorrect. He is named after meat.
Some have pointed out that there are worse names that he could have received such as Hanger Steak Bryant or Boneless Beef Chuck Shoulder Pot Roast Bryant.
Contents [hide]
1 Early life
2 Straight Outta High School
3 D.I.C.K.
4 Rape-O
5 His Team Alone
6 Sportsmanship
Early life
At age 6, Bryant moved with his family to Italy, where his father played professional basketball, which makes about as much sense as an Italian chef joining the NBA to cook tagliatelle. Bryant returned to the United States at age 13 prepared to do whatever it took to be recognized as the greatest basketball player in the world.
Upon his return, Bryant was taunted by his American classmates for his accented English and European ways. He was particularly teased for not being “black” enough, a challenge best dealt with the way 50 Cent did--by moving to Connecticut.
Straight Outta High School
In 1996, Bryant became the first guard ever drafted directly out of high school when the Lakers traded for him on draft day. Later that year, he became the youngest person ever to play in an NBA game. He quickly began drawing the mandatory comparisons to Michael Jordan that come along with being young and also being able to hit a jumpshot, joining such esteemed company as Harold Miner, who won two slam dunk contests and may have possibly been on a team.
Later, the Lakers signed superstar center Shaquille O’Neal to a free agent contract. Something about Shaq’s combination of humor, charisma and generosity annoyed Bryant, who seemed to be getting along well with none of those things.
Bryant and O’Neal were able to set aside their differences and lead the Lakers to three consecutive world championships in 2000, 2001 and 2002. This is why money is a beautiful thing.
D.I.C.K.
Like many in the public eye, Bryant felt the urge to show the world that his skills extended beyond those for which he was famous. Much like the prose of Ethan Hawke, the poetry of Jewel, and whatever Keanu Reeves is doing in this video, the rhymes and flow of Kobe Bryant left the entire country shouting "don't quit your day job" like a cranky dad who still thinks it's funny to heckle during the Star Spangled Banner at a high school football game.
In 2000, Bryant released two tracks from his debut rap album "Visions," slated to "drop" later that year. With its Casio-tinged beat and wooden lyrics, the album's first single, “K.O.B.E.” forced the hip-hop community to collectively reconsider its belief that "Shaq Diesel" was the worst thing to ever happen to rap, ever. This marked the last collaboration between writer/producers Kobe Bryant and Tyra Banks.
In a genre where success is often predicated on "street cred," it is surprising that a multimillionaire who grew up in the Italian countryside playing soccer had a difficult time appealing to the urban youth.
Rape-O
In 2003, Bryant was accused of rape by a female employee of a hotel where Bryant was staying while rehabilitating his knee post-surgery. This particular form of rehabilitation has yet to be endorsed by the American Physical Therapy Association.
During the police investigation, Bryant volunteered the fact that teammate Shaquille O’Neal had avoided similar situations by paying upwards of one million dollars to the women involved. This did not help.
As part of his defense, Bryant claimed that he hadn’t “even finished” during his interaction with the accuser and had instead masturbated afterwards, giving new significance to the term TMI. As proof, Bryant gave the detectives the shirt into which he had ejaculated, which, ironically, caused them to make the same exact face Bryant had made after every single foul that was called on him that season.
The case was dropped after the accuser refused to go forward with it. However, she did sue Bryant in civil court, settling for an undisclosed sum. Kobe later appeared at a press conference to offer his mea culpa, explaining that he truly believed the sex—during which Bryant allegedly grabbed the woman around the neck with two hands and bent her over a chair—was consensual. Some experts agree with Bryant, arguing that the woman was engaging in an elaborate, consensual role playing exercise where in she merely "appeared" to be assaulted and then "pretended" to file a police report and then "faked" a civil lawsuit.
Bryant was joined at the press conference by a giant diamond ring as well as by his wife Vanessa who was attached to it. Bryant had recently given it to her because that’s just the kind of romantic he is. The kind who buys expensive jewelry to make up for raping someone.
His Team Alone
Prior to this point, Bryant had successfully pissed off his coach, his teammates, his wife, and many fans, making it a seemingly inopportune moment to make demands. Inopportune, perhaps, for a person who is not a dick.
Before the 2004-2005 season, the Lakers traded Shaquille O’Neal to the Miami Heat. Rumors circulated that Bryant had insisted that he would no longer play with O’Neal, forcing the Lakers to choose between the two players.
In 2005-2006, Shaquille O’Neal led the Heat to the team’s first NBA Championship. The Lakers lost in the first round of the playoffs, creating a poetry that was altogether significantly more enjoyable than either of their rap albums.
In May and June of 2007, Bryant made another series of demands in the press that the Lakers trade him to a contender. Apparently, Bryant was upset at the team’s inability to find a dominant player to play alongside him. Shaquille O’Neal had no comment.
Unfortunately for people who wished they could watch Bryant eat his words, Bryant had a phenomenal season earning the MVP award. This led up to an NBA finals with the Boston Celtics and Kevin Garnett that was billed as the second coming of Bird vs. Johnson. The series lived up to that billing in every respect except for excitement, intensity, general classiness, epicness, quality of basketball, and overall significance.
Sportsmanship
Kobe Bryant is one of the few living NBA players to have complained about every single call in every basketball game in which he's ever played. So much so that, some times, opposing players are even able to trick him into arguing against calls that actually went his way, a la the old Daffy Duck “duck season/rabbit season” routine
Kobe Bryant
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Kobe Bean Bryant (born August 23, 1978) is a shooting guard for the Los Angeles Lakers of the National Basketball Association, a “rapper,” a “raper,” a husband, a father, and a dick.
Yes, his middle name is Bean. Also, if you were thinking that Bryant's unique first name was a result of his parents' diverse, multicultural interests, you would be incorrect. He is named after meat.
Some have pointed out that there are worse names that he could have received such as Hanger Steak Bryant or Boneless Beef Chuck Shoulder Pot Roast Bryant.
Contents [hide]
1 Early life
2 Straight Outta High School
3 D.I.C.K.
4 Rape-O
5 His Team Alone
6 Sportsmanship
Early life
At age 6, Bryant moved with his family to Italy, where his father played professional basketball, which makes about as much sense as an Italian chef joining the NBA to cook tagliatelle. Bryant returned to the United States at age 13 prepared to do whatever it took to be recognized as the greatest basketball player in the world.
Upon his return, Bryant was taunted by his American classmates for his accented English and European ways. He was particularly teased for not being “black” enough, a challenge best dealt with the way 50 Cent did--by moving to Connecticut.
Straight Outta High School
In 1996, Bryant became the first guard ever drafted directly out of high school when the Lakers traded for him on draft day. Later that year, he became the youngest person ever to play in an NBA game. He quickly began drawing the mandatory comparisons to Michael Jordan that come along with being young and also being able to hit a jumpshot, joining such esteemed company as Harold Miner, who won two slam dunk contests and may have possibly been on a team.
Later, the Lakers signed superstar center Shaquille O’Neal to a free agent contract. Something about Shaq’s combination of humor, charisma and generosity annoyed Bryant, who seemed to be getting along well with none of those things.
Bryant and O’Neal were able to set aside their differences and lead the Lakers to three consecutive world championships in 2000, 2001 and 2002. This is why money is a beautiful thing.
D.I.C.K.
Like many in the public eye, Bryant felt the urge to show the world that his skills extended beyond those for which he was famous. Much like the prose of Ethan Hawke, the poetry of Jewel, and whatever Keanu Reeves is doing in this video, the rhymes and flow of Kobe Bryant left the entire country shouting "don't quit your day job" like a cranky dad who still thinks it's funny to heckle during the Star Spangled Banner at a high school football game.
In 2000, Bryant released two tracks from his debut rap album "Visions," slated to "drop" later that year. With its Casio-tinged beat and wooden lyrics, the album's first single, “K.O.B.E.” forced the hip-hop community to collectively reconsider its belief that "Shaq Diesel" was the worst thing to ever happen to rap, ever. This marked the last collaboration between writer/producers Kobe Bryant and Tyra Banks.
In a genre where success is often predicated on "street cred," it is surprising that a multimillionaire who grew up in the Italian countryside playing soccer had a difficult time appealing to the urban youth.
Rape-O
In 2003, Bryant was accused of rape by a female employee of a hotel where Bryant was staying while rehabilitating his knee post-surgery. This particular form of rehabilitation has yet to be endorsed by the American Physical Therapy Association.
During the police investigation, Bryant volunteered the fact that teammate Shaquille O’Neal had avoided similar situations by paying upwards of one million dollars to the women involved. This did not help.
As part of his defense, Bryant claimed that he hadn’t “even finished” during his interaction with the accuser and had instead masturbated afterwards, giving new significance to the term TMI. As proof, Bryant gave the detectives the shirt into which he had ejaculated, which, ironically, caused them to make the same exact face Bryant had made after every single foul that was called on him that season.
The case was dropped after the accuser refused to go forward with it. However, she did sue Bryant in civil court, settling for an undisclosed sum. Kobe later appeared at a press conference to offer his mea culpa, explaining that he truly believed the sex—during which Bryant allegedly grabbed the woman around the neck with two hands and bent her over a chair—was consensual. Some experts agree with Bryant, arguing that the woman was engaging in an elaborate, consensual role playing exercise where in she merely "appeared" to be assaulted and then "pretended" to file a police report and then "faked" a civil lawsuit.
Bryant was joined at the press conference by a giant diamond ring as well as by his wife Vanessa who was attached to it. Bryant had recently given it to her because that’s just the kind of romantic he is. The kind who buys expensive jewelry to make up for raping someone.
His Team Alone
Prior to this point, Bryant had successfully pissed off his coach, his teammates, his wife, and many fans, making it a seemingly inopportune moment to make demands. Inopportune, perhaps, for a person who is not a dick.
Before the 2004-2005 season, the Lakers traded Shaquille O’Neal to the Miami Heat. Rumors circulated that Bryant had insisted that he would no longer play with O’Neal, forcing the Lakers to choose between the two players.
In 2005-2006, Shaquille O’Neal led the Heat to the team’s first NBA Championship. The Lakers lost in the first round of the playoffs, creating a poetry that was altogether significantly more enjoyable than either of their rap albums.
In May and June of 2007, Bryant made another series of demands in the press that the Lakers trade him to a contender. Apparently, Bryant was upset at the team’s inability to find a dominant player to play alongside him. Shaquille O’Neal had no comment.
Unfortunately for people who wished they could watch Bryant eat his words, Bryant had a phenomenal season earning the MVP award. This led up to an NBA finals with the Boston Celtics and Kevin Garnett that was billed as the second coming of Bird vs. Johnson. The series lived up to that billing in every respect except for excitement, intensity, general classiness, epicness, quality of basketball, and overall significance.
Sportsmanship
Kobe Bryant is one of the few living NBA players to have complained about every single call in every basketball game in which he's ever played. So much so that, some times, opposing players are even able to trick him into arguing against calls that actually went his way, a la the old Daffy Duck “duck season/rabbit season” routine