Need Love Advice...

[1Parker1]

How do you get over a broken heart? I've been dating this guy for a couple months now, and even though it was a short time, I honestly felt that he was "The One" I'd never, ever felt that way about anyone before. I'm a very practical minded person, and I don't just date around or whatever. I trusted this guy, thought I knew him and vice versa. And the way he ended things, maybe it's because honestly, I was never dumped before, but I just couldn't believe how wrong I was about him. And he broke it off with me, not because he didn't feel the same way about me, but because of external circumstances out of both of our control.

My question is, how do you get over it, how do people learn to trust others in future relationships after being shattered by someone? I can honestly say, I have never, ever cried over a guy. In fact, whenever any of my friends would cry or bemoan over men or bad relationships, I'd tell them to toughen up and that it wasn't meant to be. But now that it's me, and I'm in that situation for the first time...I honestly am just in shock. I can't decide if I'm more mad at me, him, or the situation in general.

So anyone care to share their heartbroken experiences? And no...please keep all the jokes out. I'm honestly not in the mood...

:depressed

[Shelly]

You take it one day at a time. Don't dwell on the 'what ifs'. And eat ice cream. Lots of ice cream.

Hang in there...

[sam wheat]

I feel your pain.

[samikeyp]

Stay busy and Shell is right, one day at a time. Time is the best way to heal. I've been there my friend. For me it was the death curse of "but we are too good friends" or "you're like a brother to me" AAAAAHHHHH!!!! :bang

(For the record, both are cop outs and bullshit excuses)

Getting that trust back is tough and at the moment you are not sure its possible but it is and it will happen.

Stay strong.

[leemajors]

You shouldn't be mad at anyone, it happens. If it's out of your control, and it's over, you gotta let go. Hanging on to it will just keep you miserable. You can really never know what's going on in someone else's head, and your happiness should not be dependent on anyone else. It's easy to say those things, but if you can realize them you're on your way. Reading the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz really helped me out when my marriage ended abruptly:


1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

The book is short, to the point, and you can pick up a copy just about anywhere.

[ALVAREZ6]

External circumstances...so you guys didn't have much of an option? If that's the case, that sucks...I'm sort of in the same situation as you with my girlfriend. We've been together for over a year and we can't see ourselves without eachother, but it's going to be hard for our relationship to continue very long.

[balli]

I'd say take a weekend, sequester yourself in the house and then smoke some weed. No joke.

Here's some more good advice:
zv7fHOBm1MA

[The Reckoning]

i had my ex punch me in the face...thats the last time i saw her, but she broke her knuckles and i was just fine :lol (true story)

[Blake]

There's plenty of "he/she's the one"s out there.

It sucks, but if you believe in a higher power, then just realize it was meant to be and theres somoene better waiting.

[Bandit2981]

It's tough, but the old cliche is true that time heals all wounds, especially for break ups. Spend some time alone to grieve, which you are justified in doing, but then take the mindset that life must go on and then have a night out with your best or closest friends. They will always help to cheer you up and move on. Laugher helps a bunch, so be around people that normally make you laugh.

[Strike]

Do things to take your mind off of it. Focus on work, family, friends, etc. Go out and have fun.

[ShoogarBear]

Sorry to hear about it. If you want, I can arrange to have some guys beat the crap out of him.

[duncan228]

I'm so sorry you're in pain.

Like others have said, time will help you heal and move on. Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. Shock, anger, pain, it's all part of it and you need to let yourself go through all the phases of it in order to heal. If you don't it will all find ways to seep into your life and make you miserable longer. You'll know when you're ready to move on. Keep busy, and remember that "The One" is out there. I'm sure you'll find him. :)

[Many PackYao]

Don't dwell on the past whether it was good or bad and carry on with family and friends to help to you along.Dont let the way this relationship ended convince you not to trust the next sig other. Trust is the glue that binds the relationship.If you can't trust anybody then don't get too involved in the relationship, otherwise you get burned.

[That's Funked Up]

Tell em you got herpes, then see who has the last laugh.

[tonylongoriafan]

time heals all wounds...there's really nothing you can do. i feel your pain...mine was a summer love from last year that fizzled off and on throughout the year. once you let go, you've got to really let go and let time do the work. good luck

[TDMVPDPOY]

....

[Brutalis]

"And he broke it off with me, not because he didn't feel the same way about me, but because of external circumstances out of both of our control."

I don't understand that at all.

Anyways you don't get over it. You just get closure. It'll always be there. I'm pretty sick and tired of people going on about how time will heal all wounds or, one day you'll get over it. Well, you won't. It will always be there, that feeling of when you was in love with that person. What happens is the memories fade and the heart finds a new love or they just get harder over it. Dust settles and feelings fade.

I believe everything happens for a reason. Some doors closed lets other doors open, and in most cases you won't see the door open for quite some time. I have helped two other people in massive breakups since I quit my drug problems and finally ditched my ex of four years, and I tell them straight like I just told you. They tell me now it was some of the best advice they ever got. Instead of sugar coating the situation and being babied, or telling yourself typical solutions or hearing typical advice.

I might get flamed for my post but oh well. To end, all I can say is cry. Let it out. If you need to punch the shit out of the bed or whatever do it. Don't hold anything in, all it will do is come out at the most inopportune time. Don't bottle things. Be logical. Understand life is about love and loss and everyone experiences some level of it at least once. No matter how depressed you might be, force yourself to go out even if it's alone. Don't be afraid to find a friend close to you and reach out to them. Now is the time you find out who your friends are, who will be there for you.

[Tits McGee]

Buy yourself something real nice honey.

[Anti.Hero]

Be glad you are not homeless.

[RuffnReadyOzStyle]

Some great advice in this thread.

leemajors - those 4 quotes are spot-on. I try to live my life by similar values.

1Parker1, I don't understand why you feel let down by HIM if you were broken up by circumstances beyond either of your control - that doesn't make sense. If it is out of either of your hands, shouldn't you be angry at the Universe? Oh, and if you really do love each other and you feel he's your future and he feels the same, don't let the world get in the way! Make it happen, whatever it takes! I've made that mistake (letting go of someone I could and should have spent the rest of my life with), don't be left wondering what might have been.

I'm in the opposite position to you - I've been alone too long and I think it's slowly driving me crazy...

[Silverheart80]

1Parker1 -- Sorry to hear you're going through tough times. I know the feeling for sure.

Hard to give any blanket advice for you, since no two situations are alike, and I'm a guy so I'm giving advice from the opposite side. For it's worth though -- here's what helped me years ago.....after lots of disappointment in the dating scene and a couple of crushing heartbreaks, I gave up on dating and looking for "the right girl" and completely threw myself into my work. All emotions, including angst and hurt, went toward that. 100%. No need to go into specifics unless you really want them, but it essentially meant that I began building a freelance career that I always dreamed of and abandoned what most folks would consider a stable professional career (whatever that means these days!). Basically, I made a life-changing decision, but it was because I realized I was unhappy with the course of my life. The result: it made me focus fulltime on building a life that I was proud of, and left me no time for looking for love. Funny thing is that as my confidence in myself grew, my dating life and prospects improved mightily. Looking back, it's probably not a coincidence. The life-changing decision happened back in 2001, so it's been a while, but I'm happily married now and the crushing heartbreaks that made me feel an inch high and like I wanted to vomit.....those things are ancient history, even though they happened within the last ten years. Bottom line: focus on yourself and make yourself into who you want to be, and love will come looking for you on your terms rather than on someone else's. I'm not saying you've gotta junk your old life the way I did, but crushing breakups give you a lot of fuel for rebuilding. Use it to your advantage. :) Wish you much luck!! Keep pushing.

[Nbadan]

Time heals most wounds but more importantly every relationship you have been in to this point manifest itself into that one special relationship in the end, so while you may be hurting now over your recent break-up, when you do find Mr. Right, this life lesson will remind you appreciate him and your relationship even more...

[spursfan09]

Give yourself proper time to get over it. Start loving yourself and take care of yourself before you let someone else in your life. Then when somebody does come along, you have to realize that its a completly different person, and they deserve your trust. If you want to fall in love you have to let yourself be a little vulnerable, even if you feel you are scared to trust him. You just have to until they prove you wrong.

[angel_luv]

Bottom line: focus on yourself and make yourself into who you want to be, and love will come looking for you on your terms rather than on someone else's.

True.

The right guy for you is out there, 1Parker1, and both you and he will be so happy when he finds you.

I am praying for you. :)

[BacktoBasics]

I need to know what the circumstance was to properly diagnose the situation.

[1Parker1]

Now that you are single, are you ready to finally give in to me?

Thanks, but I'm not sure I'm that desperate yet. :lol


It's 9am and I'm already thinking about going to a bar and getting drunk :pctoss I cannot believe I am letting him affect me this way. I am such a logical, practical minded person. And while I know in my mind that whatever happened, happened for a reason...it still doesn't help me cope in any way. I think the biggest part of a breakup is the rut. He became sort of a habit for me, u know? Like everyday, something would happen, and my first thought would be...oh wait till I tell him! Or I got used to making plans with him, texting him, talking to him, etc. And now, it's like every time I reach for the phone, I realize, I can't. I hate that this has turned me into such a whiny little girl. :pctoss


Oh, and I definitely am open to finding a bunch of guys to beat him....:)

[1Parker1]

Some great advice in this thread.

leemajors - those 4 quotes are spot-on. I try to live my life by similar values.

1Parker1, I don't understand why you feel let down by HIM if you were broken up by circumstances beyond either of your control - that doesn't make sense. If it is out of either of your hands, shouldn't you be angry at the Universe? Oh, and if you really do love each other and you feel he's your future and he feels the same, don't let the world get in the way! Make it happen, whatever it takes! I've made that mistake (letting go of someone I could and should have spent the rest of my life with), don't be left wondering what might have been.

I'm in the opposite position to you - I've been alone too long and I think it's slowly driving me crazy...


Hey, I'm willing to fight those circumstances out of our control...he isn't. Which just makes me feel so dumb. I know I deserve a guy who would fight for me. I just never thought that he wouldn't be that type of guy. How do you really know someone these days? It's like you can't trust anyone. So many Guys (and probably most girls too) just tell you what you want to hear and put on a persona that's not really them. I'm one of those people that is totally 100% honest...sometimes brutally so. I never, ever lie and I'm a firm believer that you should treat others the way you want to be treated. I can't imagine treating a guy and ending things with someone the way he did with me. I guess that's what makes the whole thing even more confusing.

And the fact that I still want him, after everything he did just makes me feel even dumber! :bang

[1Parker1]

1Parker1 -- Sorry to hear you're going through tough times. I know the feeling for sure.

Hard to give any blanket advice for you, since no two situations are alike, and I'm a guy so I'm giving advice from the opposite side. For it's worth though -- here's what helped me years ago.....after lots of disappointment in the dating scene and a couple of crushing heartbreaks, I gave up on dating and looking for "the right girl" and completely threw myself into my work. All emotions, including angst and hurt, went toward that. 100%. No need to go into specifics unless you really want them, but it essentially meant that I began building a freelance career that I always dreamed of and abandoned what most folks would consider a stable professional career (whatever that means these days!). Basically, I made a life-changing decision, but it was because I realized I was unhappy with the course of my life. The result: it made me focus fulltime on building a life that I was proud of, and left me no time for looking for love. Funny thing is that as my confidence in myself grew, my dating life and prospects improved mightily. Looking back, it's probably not a coincidence. The life-changing decision happened back in 2001, so it's been a while, but I'm happily married now and the crushing heartbreaks that made me feel an inch high and like I wanted to vomit.....those things are ancient history, even though they happened within the last ten years. Bottom line: focus on yourself and make yourself into who you want to be, and love will come looking for you on your terms rather than on someone else's. I'm not saying you've gotta junk your old life the way I did, but crushing breakups give you a lot of fuel for rebuilding. Use it to your advantage. :) Wish you much luck!! Keep pushing.

I was doing all that BEFORE I met him. I've always focused on myself, my career, etc. In fact, I'm about to take the GMAT's this Monday, took the LSAT's a couple months ago, I'm planning on applying to grad school...all the things I've always wanted to do. Instead of studying this week, I ended up crying every night over this a-hole :pctoss. I couldn't even concentrate on work this week...and I know I'm only hurting myself dwelling on this, but how can you not?

I don't know about you guys, but it's rare that I've come across someone and thought to myself, "Hey, I could picture myself spending the rest of my life with him." That's a very scary and great feeling at the same time. And to have that end so badly, and that picture abruptly snap, it's very hard. I know I'm a good person, I've never purposely hurt anyone, and I definitely believe in Karma and that things will balance out in the universe. But the problem with all these logical thoughts...none of those thoughts end up with me getting him back. :(

[ploto]

...none of those thoughts end up with me getting him back.

Is that part of the issue- do you want him back- really? Or do you simply want back what you thought you had with him? If he ended things so ugly, you have to know that you are better off without him and better to have found out now than years later.

Take some time and get back to feeling like yourself. I have a notion that right now you do not really feel like you.

And no matter what- do not allow this one person to alter your view on the world.

[angel_luv]

I know I'm a good person, I've never purposely hurt anyone, and I definitely believe in Karma and that things will balance out in the universe. But the problem with all these logical thoughts...none of those thoughts end up with me getting him back.

You are a wonderful person who was hurt by a badly acting individual. I hope you can make that distinction and not in any way blame yourself. You were not at fault.

I can promise you from personal experience ( the one I shared with you earlier this week) that once you meet the trully right guy for you, you WILL NOT for a second want any of the old others back.

With my old guy ( and no it wasn't Rasho; it was real), I was all but unconsolable for a year and hurt regularly and severly over it for three additional years.

But the thing is, the whole time God had Bo out there for me, so, therefore, my great suffering over the loss of the other guy was unnecessary.
I.E. Yes, I had lost that guy forever ( and honestly, good riddance) but true love was still waiting for me.


You still have a bright future ahead of you- career, romance, everything you dream of.
And at the right time and place, and I pray soon, the right guy is going to add himself to the picture.

Cry as much as you need to- it really does help. But also make sure to keep hope alive.

[BacktoBasics]

Now that you've officially had your heartbroken this is where is all begins

[leemajors]

I also wouldn't assume you know what he's thinking or feeling. But it's hard to gauge this since it was an "external circumstance" beyond either of your control. If you don't really know him at all (and i know that was knee jerk), don't assume. Erm, basically, what he thinks and feels is his shit, and not yours to deal with.

[1Parker1]

Is that part of the issue- do you want him back- really? Or do you simply want back what you thought you had with him? If he ended things so ugly, you have to know that you are better off without him and better to have found out now than years later.

Take some time and get back to feeling like yourself. I have a notion that right now you do not really feel like you.

And no matter what- do not allow this one person to alter your view on the world.

I don't know. As stupid as it sounds, if he came crawling back to me, I'd probably consider it. The funny thing is, if this was my friend or someone else telling me this...I'd tell them they were nuts to take him back. You're right, I don't feel like myself right now, I feel like one of those whiny girls in a typical Hollywood chick flick who had her heart broken. I need to snap out of it..and everyone is right, maybe in time I will be back to my normal self. But right now, I just can't imagine.

Last night, my best friend suggested that we go to a bar and drink my sorrows away. Sounded like a great idea to me...except we get to the bar, and this guy comes up to me and starts talking to me and flirting, etc....and I almost burst into tears in front of this guy, because all I could think was, "This isn't him!" WTF...I wanted to slap myself even as I had that thought. My best friend said she's giving me a mourning period of 10 days that expires next Tuesday. After that, if she even hears me whine and bitch and cry about this guy, she's not going to stand for it.

But anyways, thank you all for your kind advice...it's sort of comforting to know that almost everyone in this world has been through some version or other of heartbreak. It happens to the best of us, and I do know that time heals all wounds, and that if it's meant to be it's meant to be, etc. Cliches are there for a reason I guess. Still, at this juncture, they aren't much comfort. :(

[ATRAIN]

hey 1Parker1 hang in there and dont let it get you down. Also remember the advice you gave me :). OH and ill go and kick his ass for you.

[mrsmaalox]

Aw sweetie I'm sorry you feel bad! But we've all been there and I promise, it does get better ;) I think most people go thru it more than once (I know, it sucks!) but that's the risk we take living with an open heart. You can close up your heart, but then the right person may not find their way in. So for now keep yourself busy, make a concentrated effort to stay positive, resist the urge to wallow in sadness (i.e. heartbreak music, sappy movies, etc) and pamper yourself! Pamper, pamper,pamper....you are worth it! :toast

[florige]

I don't know. As stupid as it sounds, if he came crawling back to me, I'd probably consider it. The funny thing is, if this was my friend or someone else telling me this...I'd tell them they were nuts to take him back. You're right, I don't feel like myself right now, I feel like one of those whiny girls in a typical Hollywood chick flick who had her heart broken. I need to snap out of it..and everyone is right, maybe in time I will be back to my normal self. But right now, I just can't imagine.

Last night, my best friend suggested that we go to a bar and drink my sorrows away. Sounded like a great idea to me...except we get to the bar, and this guy comes up to me and starts talking to me and flirting, etc....and I almost burst into tears in front of this guy, because all I could think was, "This isn't him!" WTF...I wanted to slap myself even as I had that thought. My best friend said she's giving me a mourning period of 10 days that expires next Tuesday. After that, if she even hears me whine and bitch and cry about this guy, she's not going to stand for it.

But anyways, thank you all for your kind advice...it's sort of comforting to know that almost everyone in this world has been through some version or other of heartbreak. It happens to the best of us, and I do know that time heals all wounds, and that if it's meant to be it's meant to be, etc. Cliches are there for a reason I guess. Still, at this juncture, they aren't much comfort. :(




At least when women get their heart broken and go out the same night or whatever you all have guys still come up to you, that as least makes you feel like you are still pretty. When girls dump us (guys) we go out and nobody ends up coming up to us. We wind up sitting there looking like assholes for the night....:lol

[TheProfessor]

Time heals most wounds but more importantly every relationship you have been in to this point manifest itself into that one special relationship in the end, so while you may be hurting now over your recent break-up, when you do find Mr. Right, this life lesson will remind you appreciate him and your relationship even more...
I think this is about right.

[angel_luv]

My best friend said she's giving me a mourning period of 10 days that expires next Tuesday. After that, if she even hears me whine and bitch and cry about this guy, she's not going to stand for it

:tu Sounds like your friend has read " He's just not that into you."

Starting back about three years ago, I made it a tradition that, so long as I was single, I would read " He's just not that into you" annually.
The book helped me a lot and I highly recommend it for you, once your ten day mourning period is over.

Also, Greg Behrendt's other book " It is called a break up because it's broken" was very enlightening to me as well.

[tlongII]

So was this dude married or something? He didn't want to leave his wife? That's IT, isn't it!

Oh, and I've NEVER met anybody that was 100% honest! I hate it when I hear people, especially women, say that. I don't even think it's possible.

[BacktoBasics]

So was this dude married or something? He didn't want to leave his wife? That's IT, isn't it!

Oh, and I've NEVER met anybody that was 100% honest! I hate it when I hear people, especially women, say that. I don't even think it's possible.
no doubt I'm a 100% honest about lying for a living.

[Solid D]

I'm sorry you had to go through the heart-break. There is someone out there that you can have a trusting and loving relationship with. There is a way to grieve in a healthy way and get through the rough moments. Ice cream is good..to a point...but then you can take positive steps to feel good about yourself. If you can start an interest in something that helps others, plus getting some exercise like riding a bike every day for a half hour or working out with a friend, that would be a great next step. Positive things to improve your own well-being. Even though helping others may not seem important for your pain, if you do some volunteer work through your church or even one of the Ike victim assistance activities, it will take away the focus on your pain and will transfer into something positive for other people. That will actually be a great medicine for the soul.

May God bless you in your next relationship...there will be one.

[Many PackYao]

At least when women get their heart broken and go out the same night or whatever you all have guys still come up to you, that as least makes you feel like you are still pretty. When girls dump us (guys) we go out and nobody ends up coming up to us. We wind up sitting there looking like assholes for the night....:lol
:lol You speak the truth!!

[1Parker1]

So was this dude married or something? He didn't want to leave his wife? That's IT, isn't it!

Oh, and I've NEVER met anybody that was 100% honest! I hate it when I hear people, especially women, say that. I don't even think it's possible.

Tlong, there's a very big difference between lying about who you are and lying about little stupid things like "Oh, I bought that bag for only $50...when really I bought it for $300"

What you see is what you get with me. That's all I meant. I'm always up front about who I am, what I want, what I expect, etc. That's what I meant about being honest.

[1Parker1]

I'm sorry you had to go through the heart-break. There is someone out there that you can have a trusting and loving relationship with. There is a way to grieve in a healthy way and get through the rough moments. Ice cream is good..to a point...but then you can take positive steps to feel good about yourself. If you can start an interest in something that helps others, plus getting some exercise like riding a bike every day for a half hour or working out with a friend, that would be a great next step. Positive things to improve your own well-being. Even though helping others may not seem important for your pain, if you do some volunteer work through your church or even one of the Ike victim assistance activities, it will take away the focus on your pain and will transfer into something positive for other people. That will actually be a great medicine for the soul.

May God bless you in your next relationship...there will be one.


You're right in that. There was a clothing drive at work the other day for Hurricane Ike victims. I am planning on going into super cleaning mode and giving away all my old clothes and jackets that I no longer need...I'm also thinking about seriously giving away the outfit I wore with said Heartbreaker on our first date. :oops

And the threadmill has been a comforting friend to me. Honestly, I'm just trying to keep busy as much as possible, but it's hard, because something will happen and I'll immediately think of him or something we talked about or did and it all comes rushing back.

UGH...I just read over that last paragraph, and I apologize for sounding like such a drama queen. I know there are a lot more worse things going on in this world right as we speak, and I know my life can be a lot worse than just some guy breaking my heart...I guess it's all about perspective.

[angel_luv]

I think you need to get away, Parks.

Time to make plans for a pligrimage to San Antonio. :)

[tlongII]

Tlong, there's a very big difference between lying about who you are and lying about little stupid things like "Oh, I bought that bag for only $50...when really I bought it for $300"

What you see is what you get with me. That's all I meant. I'm always up front about who I am, what I want, what I expect, etc. That's what I meant about being honest.

I know 1P1. You seem pretty upfront on the internets anyway. I was just being an ass. :lol

[tlongII]

Sounds like he's married...

[SequSpur]

Were you following the 3 things a guy wants rule? If not, that is probably why you're having this issue.

[1Parker1]

Sounds like he's married...

:lol Nah that's definitely not the case.

[angel_luv]

Were you following the 3 things a guy wants rule? If not, that is probably why you're having this issue.

Peace, love and sports?

[tlongII]

Were you following the 3 things a guy wants rule? If not, that is probably why you're having this issue.

Agreed.

[1Parker1]

Darn, I knew I should have baked him some pies...

:depressed

[dirk4mvp]

same thing happened to me (kinda)

took almost a month to get completely over.

[RuffnReadyOzStyle]

Hey, I'm willing to fight those circumstances out of our control...he isn't. Which just makes me feel so dumb. I know I deserve a guy who would fight for me. I just never thought that he wouldn't be that type of guy. How do you really know someone these days? It's like you can't trust anyone. So many Guys (and probably most girls too) just tell you what you want to hear and put on a persona that's not really them. I'm one of those people that is totally 100% honest...sometimes brutally so. I never, ever lie and I'm a firm believer that you should treat others the way you want to be treated. I can't imagine treating a guy and ending things with someone the way he did with me. I guess that's what makes the whole thing even more confusing.

And the fact that I still want him, after everything he did just makes me feel even dumber! :bang

Fair enough... it's hard to understand your situation without understanding the details. So, you are angry at him for not fighting for you - I understand that intimately. You know the irony here - when I let 'her' go, I did so because I was moving countries and was pretty screwed up about rebuilding my life yet again and couldn't see how I could do that and be good to her as well. At the time I honestly believed I was doing the right thing by her. I didn't think it would be fair to her to ask her to wait for me while I sorted everything out, so I explained all this to her and broke up with her. What I was missing was that she meant more to me than anything else, and I to her, and I should've just made it work out, whatever I had to do. Biggest mistake of my life. I'm not defending your guy at all, just explaining how even good men can do stupid things... and I am a good man, a very good one, this I know, although sometimes it's hard to believe it any more given the rejection I've experienced during my life.

I am still a little confused as to why you think you can never trust a man again. Did he propose to you? Or did he say he'd do anything to make it work for both of you? If so, I understand. If not, it sounds to me like he deserves your anger, but I'm not sure how he betrayed your trust.

Anyway, sorry to hear about it. Believe me, I understand heartbreak from just about every angle... I haven't had death intervene in love yet, but that's about the only way my heart hasn't been smashed. My best advice is just to keep busy, but when you do feel like dwelling on it, do so, bawl your eyes out, and really ask yourself the hard questions about why you feel the way you do and what you are going to do to move on.

All the best.

Ruff

[RuffnReadyOzStyle]

One other thing, which will make me unpopular, especially with the women around here, but "everything happens for a reason" seems ridiculous to me... things happen because we make choices, and to believe that the Universe has a plan for my love life or lack thereof seems absurd. The Universe doesn't give a damn about my insignificant little consciousness. Everything doesn't happen for a cosmic reason, it happens because of the interaction between our choices and the chaos of everything else, but how we react to the results of that mixture is what defines us. Right now I am not reacting particularly well to where I am in life, but that's my problem, and I refuse to believe that it isn't my responsibility to change where I am.

I guess I'm just lonely, bitter, and faithless. So be it.

[Brutalis]

One other thing, which will make me unpopular, especially with the women around here, but "everything happens for a reason" seems ridiculous to me... things happen because we make choices, and to believe that the Universe has a plan for my love life or lack thereof seems absurd. The Universe doesn't give a damn about my insignificant little consciousness. Everything doesn't happen for a cosmic reason, it happens because of the interaction between our choices and the chaos of everything else, but how we react to the results of that mixture is what defines us. Right now I am not reacting particularly well to where I am in life, but that's my problem, and I refuse to believe that it isn't my responsibility to change where I am.

I guess I'm just lonely, bitter, and faithless. So be it.

Everything happens for a reason bro. EVERYTHING.

A fly lands on shit for a reason.

A dude dumps a girl because of fresh booty for that reason. (not implying that's the case for 1Parker1)

My uncle turned 50 this year. He's had two girlfriends his entire life. Never married, never anything. He has an 18yo dog and tons of toys in his garage like four wheelers and such. He claims he is happy. He tells me he never wanted a woman, that it don't bother him. I saw right through that bullshit.

Especially when I found his myspace, and where it asks "what are you looking for" he said "my soulmate."

She's out there. He hasn't found her because he doesn't act like he gives a shit. He doesn't make a fucking god damn effort and it obviously pisses me off.

My point is that's a reason why he is single. Maybe it isn't your reason, but it is his and it's his own fault. Not everything has to have a good reason. Most don't it seems now days. It has nothing to do with the universe having a plan for your life, or anything to do with astronomy or the stars.

If you are alone, and single, and tired of it DO SOMETHING about it. There are all kinds of singles groups in this world. Unless you are an uglyyyyy person then there's hope for you. I'm only 23 and already been through a 4.5 year relationship. Hell we were engaged. I am so glad it ended in a bloody mess, now I look back and realize so many things. And now I am with a girl I feel like is so out of my league but she loves me and we make it. She dropped in my lap when I stopped looking for it. And that's what I tell people 'looking for love', not that you are specifically looking to get hitched.. but I say stop looking. Ignore it. Just handle your business and don't be a recluse... go out.. have fun in the world. And when the thought is so far out of your mind you'll realize before you know it that a beautiful tan blond hair blue eyed girl loves you and wants you in her life. (okay maybe not the blond hair and such) but it will happen for you. Just don't be like my uncle, and don't go looking for it.

Everything.Happens.For.A.Reason

[Brutalis]

Also:

I think 1Parker1 and Ruff need to go out when she gets closure from this dude.

[ploto]

May I second what Solid D said. Whenever I feel bad and down, I look for things that I can do for other people. It always makes me feel better to focus on other people and their needs. I am not sure how healthy it is, as in I might be avoiding actually dealing with the issue, but it works for me, especially at the time that the wound is freshest.

[T Park]

Heres something that will cheer you up 1parker1

I found someone.

If I could, you will find someone even better.

Trust me, your a great catch for any guy in Philadelphia.

Or maybe you should just move to SA so that you can be appreciated :)

[TDMVPDPOY]

Reason why you should not commit yourself into a relationship

you know one day, that person will break your heart

single life FTW.

[RuffnReadyOzStyle]

Brutalis, you missed my point entirely until this: "It has nothing to do with the universe having a plan for your life..." That was my point. When many people, especially women in my experience, use the phrase "everything happens for a reason", they are in fact referring to destiny, a grand scheme, usually in the context of some God or other, and I just can't believe that. As I said, "...(things) happens because of the interaction between our choices and the chaos of (the world)... and I refuse to believe that it isn't my responsibility to change where I am."

Anyway, thanks for trying, but I well understand my predicament in life - I'm 33, seen all sorts of wonder and shitfulness, and I know that women will always be my Achilles Heel because very few of them have ever understood me. I've just got to forget about them and live and hope that I am lucky enough to find another one who appreciates who I am. I found two and let them go, and that was unwise, but there's not a damn thing I can do about it, so I will just live and see what happens. Dealing with the frustration is the real challenge I face.

[Sense]

Stop talking to him, don't even think about him... go have some fun with your friends... and do alot of drinking

[Sense]

Reason why you should not commit yourself into a relationship

you know one day, that person will break your heart

single life FTW.

exactly.. I've recently been going into relationships with the mindset that I know it's going to end... someone's going to break up... if you start relationships like that... it will be easier...

her mistake was... thinking he was the one..

[tlongII]

Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all...

[JamStone]

I hate the saying "time heals all wounds." That not necessarily true. But, hopefully with time, things won't seem so bad.

Anyway, every person handles these kinds of things differently. So, it's really up to you. You have to remove yourself from the situation and look at it from a third person objective observer. As you said, when it's happened to your friends, you've told them to toughen up. Well, take that advice. Is it better to sulk, be unhappy, sad, and crying? Or is it better to understand that it's part of life, it does suck, but the best thing to do is move on? Look at it that way, and try your best to do the latter.

It won't be easy, but you cannot let it consume your thoughts and your life. You continue to live your life, do your best to make the most of your day. If you dwell on it and sulk, you only make yourself more miserable. Sometimes you will need to vent or express yourself, so find someone who you trust to confide in when you need to let things out. Otherwise, realize that sometimes you have to go through things like this in life. And, sooner or later, things will be better.

Good luck.

[marini martini]

Stop talking to him, don't even think about him... go have some fun with your friends... and do alot of drinking

:toast

Fuck the world!!! When you least expect it...................expect it:downspin:

[Sense]

I just found this on yahoo.com


I think it's perfect for this situation...


Dating 101 how to handle rejection...

So there you are at the deli getting a ham sandwich, when that person you're attracted to comes and stands next to you at the counter. You've seen them over and over again, and you finally have the guts to turn and smile at them... and they do nothing in return. They almost look right through you like you don't exist.

So you grab your ham sandwich and run out of there as quickly as you can, saying to yourself, "I will never do that again. This doesn't work." Is this the best way to deal with rejection? How do you personally deal with rejection? More importantly, are you someone who believes that if you become "good" at dating you will no longer get rejected?

The dating truth is that being able to deal with rejection is the key to being successful at going out and meeting singles. It's also not the ultra-significant event so many make it out to be. So here are five essential tips on how to handle rejection, which you need to embrace if you are going to have a full and successful dating life:

1. Change Your Dating Expectations. One of the first and most important things to understand is that no matter what you do, not everybody is going to respond positively to you. Not everyone you smile at will smile back at you. Not everyone you say hello to is going to say hello back to you.
“Stop expecting a positive response 100% of the time.”
Stop expecting a positive response 100% of the time. Just because somebody did not smile back at you does not mean that you're not an attractive person or that you made a mistake by smiling. The only thing it means is that it did not work with that one person.

2. Life Is All About Rejection. Everything in life has rejection involved in it. If you're a salesperson who makes 10 sales calls, you may only get one or two people to say yes. A baseball player whose batting average is around 300 will likely end up in the Hall of Fame. A quarterback who can complete 55 percent of his passes is doing pretty well. Everything in life is about percentages. You don't quit simply because you experienced some rejection. Imagine if you stopped looking for work when your very first interview didn't result in a job offer. That would, of course, be ridiculous. Remember that you also need to keep going in your dating life when you're rejected, because you want to keep increasing your odds of success.

3. Focus on Increasing Your Dating Odds. When you feel like you are getting more than your fair share of rejections, instead of focusing on those rejections, focus on increasing your odds of success. The fact is that by playing the percentages as I mentioned above, you will be successful.
“The reason is that every time you take action -- every time you smile, say hello, or walk over and initiate a conversation -- you get better at it.”
The reason is that every time you take action -- every time you smile, say hello, or walk over and initiate a conversation -- you get better at it. If you're going to go out there and only talk to one person a day, then your chances of success are not going to be great. Increase your odds every single day and in everything you're doing.

4. Keep Things in Perspective. I hear some version of this from clients all the time: "What if I approach somebody, get rejected, and someone sees me? I'll never be able to go in that store again!" Get a little perspective here. Let me tell you something -- you're not front page news! When you're rejected, you need to just get over it. No one is talking about you. People are concerned about themselves and what is going on in their own lives, just as you are focused on what's going on in yours. So the fact that you get rejected in front of other people at the market, at the gym, or anywhere else is not a big deal to anyone but you.

5. Don't Overreact When Dating. The other thing I commonly hear from clients who have been rejected is some version of this: "I'm never going to talk to that person ever again now that I was rejected by them." This is not only a total overreaction, it is also absolutely the wrong thing to do. So you tried to talk to (or smile or look at) someone, and they didn't respond. As I mentioned above, there are a million possible reasons why that person did not respond to you. It doesn't necessarily mean that person wouldn't want to talk to you another time. If I smile at a woman and she doesn't respond, I don't play hide-and-go-seek the next time I see her. I am equally friendly to her the next time I see her, because you never know what will happen that second time. It's a different day. Put the last time behind you.
These are some ways to help you get over rejection. Realize that in order to get good at interacting with potential mates, you are going to get rejected. In fact, you want to get rejected every single day, because if you're not, it means you're not trying.
So ask yourself this: Did you get rejected today, and how can you go out tomorrow and make it an even better day than today? Learn to not only handle but to embrace rejection, and you will meet great new people and have an amazing social life.


http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/datingtips/86944/dating-101-how-to-handle-rejection;_ylc=X3oDMTNwZzRqdmpqBF9TAzI3MTYxNDkEX3M DMjAyMzcwODkwNwRrA0RhdGluZyAxMDE6IEhvdyB0byBIYW5kb GUgUmVqZWN0aW9uBHNlYwNmcF90b2RheQRzbGsDZGF0aW5nLTE wMS1ob3ctdG8taGFuZGxlLXJlamVjdGlvbgR6egNhYmM-m

[RuffnReadyOzStyle]

As someone who is highly experienced with rejection. that's a pretty good run down on how to deal with it, actually. You can encompass those 5 rules in one phrase: "don't take it personally". Even though it feels personal, it's not. The hardest thing is not to become discouraged, but even then feeling discouraged generally leads you to focus on other things, which can be a positive.

Fucking Spring. None of this was an issue in winter, I didn't give a shit. Then Spring comes along, and with it increased biological urges, and oila, frustration. :lol

[remingtonbo2001]

Hey Ruff, have you ever given God a chance?

This is a geniune question and by no means do I intend to hijack this thread.

I understand your perspective of personal responsibility. However, I do believe certain events occur for certain reasons. I do believe in an ever present God who cares deeply for each and every individual.

1Parker1, I am confident there is a gentleman out there waiting to share his life with you, even if either of you aren't aware of it yet.

[tlongII]

1P1 wasn't exactly rejected. She and this dude had been doing the wild thing for some time apparently. It's just that he had some kind of secret that messed things up for them.

[tlongII]

And I'm not letting Bo hijack this thread!

[TDMVPDPOY]

eric bennet - love dont love me.....

[leemajors]

Reason why you should not commit yourself into a relationship

you know one day, that person will break your heart

single life FTW.

way to live like a chickenshit.

[Fabbs]

May I second what Solid D said. Whenever I feel bad and down, I look for things that I can do for other people. It always makes me feel better to focus on other people and their needs. I am not sure how healthy it is, as in I might be avoiding actually dealing with the issue, but it works for me, especially at the time that the wound is freshest.
"More happiness in giving then recieving". Also agree ploto, esp when wound is freshest this can soothe but yes watch out for doing it just to avoid issues.

Also, especially you sentimental chicks but even to an extent guys, avoid movies and songs with heavy romance themes. Someone crooning "my broken heart...." just reminds you of the pain.

[ATRAIN]

Hey Ruff, have you ever given God a chance?

This is a geniune question and by no means do I intend to hijack this thread.

I understand your perspective of personal responsibility. However, I do believe certain events occur for certain reasons. I do believe in an ever present God who cares deeply for each and every individual.

1Parker1, I am confident there is a gentleman out there waiting to share his life with you, even if either of you aren't aware of it yet.

Bobbie I agree what you said about things happen for a reason but I also feel some people were meant to be alone.

[TDMVPDPOY]

hey dont be sad when you walk around or hang out with fukn friends, everywhere you go you see couples hand in hand, cuddling doing shit they are meant to do.......then you think to yourself wtf are you single.

thats the negative of being single....

[ATRAIN]

hey dont be sad when you walk around or hang out with fukn friends, everywhere you go you see couples hand in hand, cuddling doing shit they are meant to do.......then you think to yourself wtf are you single.

thats the negative of being single....

Are you talking to me, because although I said some people were meant to be single? I didnt say I was meant to be single, but I know people who really were meant to be single.

[tlongII]

nuns?

[ATRAIN]

nuns?

Yeah those came to mind

[Trainwreck2100]

me?

[1Parker1]

exactly.. I've recently been going into relationships with the mindset that I know it's going to end... someone's going to break up... if you start relationships like that... it will be easier...

her mistake was... thinking he was the one..

Sadly, I think you're right. But this isn't something I ever thought of before with anyone...that's why I thought it meant something.

I am thinking of giving in to the urge and checking my ego and calling him. I don't like the way things ended, maybe I need some closure.

Anyways, thanks everyone for your advice and kind wishes. :) It's actually been helpful and comforting.

[LuvBones]

Reason why you should not commit yourself into a relationship

you know one day, that person will break your heart

single life FTW.
And what would that accomplish? Never having someone break your heart? That's sad. It reminds me of the ladies I work with. They are the most bitter old ladies acting like they don't need a man, don't want a man, when it's painfully obvious they're desperate for someone. They even tried to break up my relationship to feel better about themselves being single. They need to stfu and get laid!

[Shelly]

And what would that accomplish? Never having someone break your heart? That's sad. It reminds me of the ladies I work with. They are the most bitter old ladies acting like they don't need a man, don't want a man, when it's painfully obvious they're desperate for someone. They even tried to break up my relationship to feel better about themselves being single. They need to stfu and get laid!

:lol

[1Parker1]

And what would that accomplish? Never having someone break your heart? That's sad. It reminds me of the ladies I work with. They are the most bitter old ladies acting like they don't need a man, don't want a man, when it's painfully obvious they're desperate for someone. They even tried to break up my relationship to feel better about themselves being single. They need to stfu and get laid!

:lol Hey, I'm only in my 20's, I got plenty of time before I reach that point. Way to scare me into action though....:lol

[LuvBones]

:lol Hey, I'm only in my 20's, I got plenty of time before I reach that point. Way to scare me into action though....:lol

Oh no I didn't mean that towards you! :lol I hear you.. I'm in my twenties too and if I were single I wouldn't stress it. I've seen my older sisters marry young and divorce.. I've seen it all really when it comes to relationships so i've learned to definitely take things slow. I've been hurt badly once before thinking the guy I was with was "the one" and I felt like I'd never get over it... it was depressing for years! but looking back now I feel foolish to have felt like he was the one, so just think.. one day you'll look back and hopefully have a laugh at the situation. It's painful now but you have your whole life ahead of you. The right guy will show up one day.:)

[RuffnReadyOzStyle]

Hey Ruff, have you ever given God a chance?

This is a geniune question and by no means do I intend to hijack this thread.

I understand your perspective of personal responsibility. However, I do believe certain events occur for certain reasons. I do believe in an ever present God who cares deeply for each and every individual.

1Parker1, I am confident there is a gentleman out there waiting to share his life with you, even if either of you aren't aware of it yet.

Bo, my mind is simply not set up to believe in God. Not going to happen. It makes no sense to me, and never has... I was kicked out of Sunday School at age 6 for saying that none of what they were talking about made sense to me. That is not to say that there aren't higher beings than us in the Universe (I'm sure there are), but I don't see why they'd care about us. I respect other's right to believe, but it just doesn't work for me, and nor does the idea that things "happen for a reason". The human mind loves to find patterns and draw associations out of the chaos of life, but that doesn't mean there's a grand scheme to things. Anyway, if I ever come to SA again we can discuss this at length in person if you like... final word from me is that a part of me envies people with rational faith (I don't count Bible/Koranic literalism aka Christian/Muslim Fundamentalism as rational), as I'm sure life makes more sense to the faithful than it does to me.

You have hit upon the major problem (besides women... :lol ) in my life though - I really don't believe in anything, and for a deep thinker, that can become a problem because everything eventually becomes pointless. Then again, I think I'm just a bit down at the moment because a month ago I was fine with the meaninglessness of existence (if anything i am an existentialist).

[remingtonbo2001]

Ruff. have you read Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman?

Anyways, my curiosity wasn't intended to push any buttons, but rather an attempt to have a better understanding of your perspective. I'd love to continue this discussion next time you're down. It would be far top complex for the internets, let alone ST. :lol


Thanks for sharing. :)