Is it OK to marry my friend's ex-lover?

[JudynTX]

:lol No, not me. Read on....do you agree with this advice?



Q. I have a good friend of eight years. She is married with a child. Her ex-boyfriend came to town. (They were engaged briefly.) He and I ended up hanging out all weekend and had a blast together. I informed my friend that I had feelings for him, figuring she would want me to be happy and it would not be a problem since she has moved on. Instead, she said I disrespected our friendship.

He and I are now dating seriously and talking about marriage. He is the love of my life. But I miss my friend dearly. I realize I made the decision and ultimately sacrificed my friendship with her because of him, but I still want to be friends with her. Should I try to reconnect with her or should I just say goodbye and realize she was not a true friend after all?

A. If it’s worth it to you, try reconnecting. But be prepared for it not to work.

People can be very territorial about past relationships, “laying claim” to a boyfriend or girlfriend, especially if they knew that person first.

In a middle-school setting, or even a high-school setting, there is sometimes an unwritten rule that if a girl has gone out with a boy, once they break up, he is off limits for any other girl in the class. This idea — that if he was once mine he is forever mine, and a friend won’t take what’s mine — is quite immature.

To be fair, most people know the awful feeling of breaking up and hoping that their former paramour doesn’t find somebody else. Or, if he does, they hope he secretly continues to pine for them. Only if someone feels guilty after having blown someone off is that person glad and relieved when their ex finds someone else!

Your friend might not be deliriously happy in her marriage. She might wonder, “What is wrong with me that I couldn’t make it work out? What does she have that I don’t have, that he likes better?”

Maybe this ex-boyfriend has a good quality her husband doesn’t have, like better looks or a better job, and this very positive quality keeps alive the fantasy that she can sort of “keep” him. In some ways, it feels to her that you have “taken” something from her.

She might also feel, “My friend can be happy as long as her happiness doesn’t detract from mine.” This is another immature feeling, but it’s common in not very intimate or evolved friendships. In other words, she is glad to be your friend, as long as nothing too good happens to you and makes her feel vanquished in some way.

At this point, it sounds that you are in the delicious throes of wonderful new love, while your friend has settled into a routine of marriage and family life. (Also wonderful, I might add, but without the giddy highs!) This crosses out her enjoyment of the fantasy that she could have married her ex and her life would have turned out better, happier and more fulfilled.

I suggest you be realistic about what the friendship is and what it provided you in the first place. Was this someone you could talk forthrightly with, sharing other successes of yours? Or did she prefer it when things were not going well for you? If she was only a fair-weather friend, maybe you are not losing much without her in your life.

If you feel guilty about “taking” her ex-boyfriend, ask yourself why. Do you in fact think you did in some way steal something that was hers? Did you badmouth him in the past when they were breaking up, and now find yourself praising him to the skies? Do you talk about him endlessly? Is your own behavior somehow rubbing it in her face that she failed with this ex-boyfriend while you succeeded?

There is little downside to approaching her and acknowledging that this bothers her, but that you hope she can be happy for you. If this man were not your boyfriend, he would likely be someone else’s. Thank her for introducing you. Be kind, and give her a chance to come around. She might or might not.

Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: Friends can harbor jealous feelings when other friends fall in love or get along better than they “should.”

link (http://http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/27089679/?GT1=43001)

[ORION]

too long ....:wakeup
but some people match up better and possibly her vag is tighter than the other friend

[Heath Ledger]

Id say that friendship is pretty much fucked. Id be pretty pissed about it too, out of all the guys in the world you had to settle for someone whom you thought of as a good friends ex boyfriend? This is where class comes into play and your glass appears to be half empty.

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

Invite her for a three way to allow everyone to reconnect. If she says no then she was never really a friend.

[BacktoBasics]

This is typical women behavoir. Selfish self absorbed mentality is the staple for any greedy whore. Then greedy bitch still wants her friend. What an unbelievable selfish slut.

YOU DON'T FUCK YOUR FRIENDS EX'S. Its a rule and it shouldn't be broken unless you're willing to never be friends with that person again.

[JudynTX]

This is typical women behavoir. Selfish self absorbed mentality is the staple for any greedy whore. Then greedy bitch still wants her friend. What an unbelievable selfish slut.

YOU DON'T FUCK YOUR FRIENDS EX'S. Its a rule and it shouldn't be broken unless you're willing to never be friends with that person again.

And with that, the end. :lol

[SpursWoman]

YOU DON'T FUCK YOUR FRIENDS EX'S. Its a rule and it shouldn't be broken unless you're willing to never be friends with that person again.


My best friend and I have been friends for over 30 years because we both implicitly agreed that neither of us will/would EVER, and I mean NEVER ... be involved in any way, shape or form, with one another's ex's. Whether a one night stand or a single date. NEVER.

Most things you shouldn't have to choose between one or the other, but that's just too personal. She broke the bond. :king

[BacktoBasics]

My best friend and I have been friends for over 30 years because we both implicitly agreed that neither of us will/would EVER, and I mean NEVER ... be involved in any way, shape or form, with one another's ex's. Whether a one night stand or a single date. NEVER.

Most things you shouldn't have to choose between one or the other, but that's just too personal. She broke the bond. :kingAre you still friends with her? Did she use her accident forgiveness card?

[JoeChalupa]

Friendhip smendship...there will be other friends. Move on!!

[BacktoBasics]

Friendhip smendship...there will be other friends. Move on!!
your loyalty is amazing

[IronMexican]

I'd never do that to a homie, it's just wrong. Cause I know if someone did this to me, I'd probably go after him.

[ORION]

It ain't no fun if the homies can't have none

[SpursWoman]

Are you still friends with her? Did she use her accident forgiveness card?


Oh, MY friend didn't break the bond ... the chick in the advice column did.


So yes, my friend and I are still BFF's. :lol

[BacktoBasics]

Oh, MY friend didn't break the bond ... the chick in the advice column did.


So yes, my friend and I are still BFF's. :lol
:lol and I still wonder why my wife constantly bitches about how I never pay attention.

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

yes.

[tp2021]

Invite her for a three way to allow everyone to reconnect. If she says no then she was never really a friend.

Win.

[DisAsTerBot]

she's married now.......time to move on

[JoeChalupa]

your loyalty is amazing

Huh? So I'm supposed to give up what could be the love of my life because I may hurt my friends' feelings? What about their loyalty to MY feelings?

[J.T.]

I would think the only time it's wrong to hook up with your friend's ex is if you're intentionally doing it to piss them off or get back at them for something. And if that's the case then you probably also have no remorse about losing a friend.

If the feelings were already there and then their ex is back on the market, there's really nothing wrong with it. I'm sure everyone wants to bag their friend's girlfriends/boyfriends. Some of my friends have hot girlfriends that I wouldn't mind formally introducing to the back seat of my car should their relationship tragically end at some point in the future.

[BacktoBasics]

Huh? So I'm supposed to give up what could be the love of my life because I may hurt my friends' feelings? What about their loyalty to MY feelings?
Sure why not just have no boundries. Fuck it maybe your in love with their wife next time not a girlfriend. Help yourself because its all about you and nothing about being a good friend or better person.

[DisgruntledLionFan#54,927]

Uh, aren't you supposed to ask your friend before dating/banging an ex?

I'd rather be by myself than do shit like that. What ever happened to trust, respect and code?

[tp2021]

Bros before hoes.














Unless she's really fucking hot.

[J.T.]

The issue here is simply When Harry Met Sally Syndrome. Men and women can't be friends without both of them thinking about sleeping with the other one unless one of them is a homosexual....and even in that case the heterosexual party is still wishing the other person wasn't gay so they could fuck them. Trying to avoid this is like telling people not to drink water every day, like telling rich people to spend their money instead of stuff it in their mattress, like telling mouse to get a real job, etc.

What's even weirder is that friends will try to set their friends up with people they know because they think they're a good match, but if they end up being more compatible with their ex then it's World War Fucking 3.

[JoeChalupa]

Sure why not just have no boundries. Fuck it maybe your in love with their wife next time not a girlfriend. Help yourself because its all about you and nothing about being a good friend or better person.

I see, so then it is all about my friend only? As a good friend should they not also want me to be happy? Are they only thinking about themselves because they don't want me to date their ex? Is that not a selfish act? "If I can't be happy with that person then neither can you!"?
I understand it could end the friendship but if the friendship was truly that strong then they should be able to work it out but somethings do come between friends. Not all friendships are meant to last forever...nor are relationships for that matter.
Life is not perfect.

[BacktoBasics]

I see, so then it is all about my friend only? As a good friend should they not also want me to be happy? Are they only thinking about themselves because they don't want me to date their ex? Is that not a selfish act? "If I can't be happy with that person then neither can you!"?
I understand it could end the friendship but if the friendship was truly that strong then they should be able to work it out but somethings do come between friends. Not all friendships are meant to last forever...nor are relationships for that matter.
Life is not perfect.
First of all its highly unlikely that you would know if you were in love with her in the first place. Lust maybe not love. In your defense I would have no problem if you went to your friend and asked for his blessing. However that could be loaded and furthermore I would probably find it offensive.

The point is that most breakups aren't peaceful there are hurt feelings and its typically an emotional process. If your friend is a good one and you two are close why would you want to bring an obviously hurtful situation into his life on a permanent basis. You don't do your friends that way any more than you would your own brother or sister.

Would you hook up with your brothers ex or your fathers ex? Do you simply not drawn a line when pussy is envolved. Maybe some people can easily get over shit but most can't and the last thing they want is a constant reminder of a lost love or hard breakup. Especially when it envolves the very people that supposed to be your strongest allies and support group.

You shouldn't have to turn to your friends and find a reminder of hard times. What an enormous violation of trust.

[JoeChalupa]

Okay, an amendment to my earlier postings. If there was a mutual "pact" made between friends then yes, it should be respected but if not then I don't see how the friend could come back and accuse you of not respecting the friendship. Yeah, perhaps asking for their blessing would be appropriate but not necessary. But hey, that's just me.

[BacktoBasics]

Okay, an amendment to my earlier postings. If there was a mutual "pact" made between friends then yes, it should be respected but if not then I don't see how the friend could come back and accuse you of not respecting the friendship. Yeah, perhaps asking for their blessing would be appropriate but not necessary. But hey, that's just me.Yeah its just you. There doesn't need to be a mutual pact it should be without saying. Part of being a good friend is allowing your friends to know that you can be trusted and rely'd upon without question. I should be able to trust my closest friends without stipulations and without worries.

[JoeChalupa]

Enormous violation of trust? Oh, please..spare me the drama. Life is a bitch and love hurts sometimes and family, to me anyhow, is different than a friend. Unless of course that brother or sister is a total a-hole like I apparently would be if I went out with their ex.

[to21]

I ALMOST fell in love with a girl my and my boys "passed" around.

She was like everyone's ex.....it happens.

[JoeChalupa]

Yeah its just you. There doesn't need to be a mutual pact it should be without saying. Part of being a good friend is allowing your friends to know that you can be trusted and rely'd upon without question. I should be able to trust my closest friends without stipulations and without worries.

Part of being a good friend is also not being selfish and wanting to keep your "EX, forever even though they are your "EX"..as in NO LONGER yours. Oh well, you are the life coach so sue me.

[DisgruntledLionFan#54,927]

Asking isn't for blessing, it's just a courtesy.

And even if you get the go ahead, there still is a high probability that the friendship won't be as strong or last at all.

[JoeChalupa]

I see, maybe I should have asked permission for a "courtesy" hook up? I'm a bad man I tell ya.

[DisgruntledLionFan#54,927]

Part of being a good friend is also not being selfish and wanting to keep your "EX, forever even though they are your "EX"..as in NO LONGER yours. Oh well, you are the life coach so sue me.

They may no longer be yours, but the emotional ties that still linger sure are.

A good friend wouldn't knowingly put you through that.

[JoeChalupa]

They may no longer be yours, but the emotional ties that still linger sure are.

A good friend wouldn't knowingly put you through that.

A good friend would also understand that perhaps it is not my intent to put them through that but rather that we sometimes cannot control who we fall in lover..err..lust with.
But yeah, I do understand since I was very upset with Denise Richards when she banged Ritchie Sambora without asking for Heather's permission. What a biotch!!

[JoeChalupa]

I think I'm alone now.....

[mrsmaalox]

Joe, I can see your point. If I were that friend, I certainly hope I could put aside any petty jealousy and not stand in the way of my friend's happinness.

[ORION]

I think I'm alone now.....

There doesn't seem to be anyone around

[ATRAIN]

What if they are NOT lovers but just went out or something? Like old high school gf or something? Would that be ok?

[Babu]

I see, maybe I should have asked permission for a "courtesy" hook up? I'm a bad man I tell ya.

You are a bad man!!....a very bad man!!

[BacktoBasics]

Joe, I can see your point. If I were that friend, I certainly hope I could put aside any petty jealousy and not stand in the way of my friend's happinness.This is what we would hope for in a perfect world but the reality is that emotions will likely linger and if it was a long relationship those emotions are compounded.

Look JC if I dated some girl for a month and it didn't work out I'd probably have no issue with you jumping in but had I been seeing someone for 2 years 5, 8 a decade its likely that I'd never get over the emotion. People rarely let a long term relationship completely go forever. There is always residual emotion.

My point is based in reality not what should and shouldn't be in theory. The reality is that emotions linger and sometimes never leave and a good pal doesn't dip in the old loves and relationships of their friends.

There are lots of women out there. Millions of options why would anyone want to rip at the heart of someone who trusts you to have their back not work behind it.

--------

I had a 10 year relationship and a marriage with a girl my friend used to date. I'm not void of understanding. They dated for 3 months its was fling to them and definately not a serious one. Still before I did anything I ran it by him first and asked if minded or would be upset if I made a move. I also told him that if he had an issue with it or if it bothered him that I would have no problem skipping her over out of respect. Their relationship wasn't serious and they remained friends so I got his blessing.

P.S.

She ruined my life for a decade I wish he would have had a problem with it.

[BacktoBasics]

What if they are NOT lovers but just went out or something? Like old high school gf or something? Would that be ok?Insignificant hook ups and short dating periods usually don't harbor the same serious emotions as a long term relationship. Out of respect you should always ask. For all you know she was the one who got away or your friends greatest love lost. We all have had chics like that.

No matter how resonable a person you are if your greatest love was lost and you were a wreck about it the last thing you need is your buddy nailing it. It would kill you inside.

[ORION]

What if they are NOT lovers but just went out or something? Like old high school gf or something? Would that be ok?

why would a dude do that unless he wanted to sex her

[ORION]

Insignificant hook ups and short dating periods usually don't harbor the same serious emotions as a long term relationship. Out of respect you should always ask. For all you know she was the one who got away or your friends greatest love lost. We all have had chics like that.

No matter how resonable a person you are if your greatest love was lost and you were a wreck about it the last thing you need is your buddy nailing it. It would kill you inside.

I have a chick like that but if I saw her with someone else I'll just say to myself "Well at least I got her in the butt first."

[JoeChalupa]

This is what we would hope for in a perfect world but the reality is that emotions will likely linger and if it was a long relationship those emotions are compounded.

Look JC if I dated some girl for a month and it didn't work out I'd probably have no issue with you jumping in but had I been seeing someone for 2 years 5, 8 a decade its likely that I'd never get over the emotion. People rarely let a long term relationship completely go forever. There is always residual emotion.

My point is based in reality not what should and shouldn't be in theory. The reality is that emotions linger and sometimes never leave and a good pal doesn't dip in the old loves and relationships of their friends.

There are lots of women out there. Millions of options why would anyone want to rip at the heart of someone who trusts you to have their back not work behind it.

--------

I had a 10 year relationship and a marriage with a girl my friend used to date. I'm not void of understanding. They dated for 3 months its was fling to them and definately not a serious one. Still before I did anything I ran it by him first and asked if minded or would be upset if I made a move. I also told him that if he had an issue with it or if it bothered him that I would have no problem skipping her over out of respect. Their relationship wasn't serious and they remained friends so I got his blessing.

P.S.

She ruined my life for a decade I wish he would have had a problem with it.

I see your point but my point is also based on the reality that life goes on...people's hearts get broken and friendships don't last forever. I know that we just can't swipe our emotional slate clean but I also don't think past relationships should keep others from starting their own.

[DisAsTerBot]

the chick with the ex is MARRIED....meaning, she's supposedley moved on with her life......Either a.) she's a selfish, immature bitch or b.)she's not truly happy in her marriage and somehow still clings to her past (relationships)

either way...the married chick is WRONG.........this isn't highschool anymore fellas....time to grow up...

[DisgruntledLionFan#54,927]

I have a chick like that but if I saw her with someone else I'll just say to myself "Well at least I got her in the butt first."

Asking your friend, while out with the boys, if she still likes ATM is completely acceptable.

[JoeChalupa]

I have a chick like that but if I saw her with someone else I'll just say to myself "Well at least I got her in the butt first."

Well, at least you were able to leave your emotions behind. So to speak.

[ATRAIN]

Insignificant hook ups and short dating periods usually don't harbor the same serious emotions as a long term relationship. Out of respect you should always ask. For all you know she was the one who got away or your friends greatest love lost. We all have had chics like that.

No matter how resonable a person you are if your greatest love was lost and you were a wreck about it the last thing you need is your buddy nailing it. It would kill you inside.


why would a dude do that unless he wanted to sex her

yeah I hear ya. I had a friend do that to me, but he didnt know that I dated that chick. I had strong feelings for her but like I said he didnt know. He could have stopped dating her but I wasnt going to ask him of that. She tried to make him a baby daddy though hahaha. Tried to have sex with him knowing she was a few weeks pregnany and didnt know who the baby daddy was and tried to trap him hahaha.

[ATRAIN]

A buddy of mine went out with a girl I fucked around with but didnt bang. When drunk I told him to finish the job I started hahaha, needless to say he got pissed hahaha.

[ORION]

Well, at least you were able to leave your emotions behind. So to speak.

:lol:lol

[ORION]

A buddy of mine went out with a girl I fucked around with but didnt bang. When drunk I told him to finish the job I started hahaha, needless to say he got pissed hahaha.

If you didn't bang her it means nothing to me. Don't talk to me about chicks you couldn't score with.

[Centaur of the Sun]

People who have been romantically involved with your friends should always be off limits. Always.

Even if it's been years and years since they've gone separate ways. Never do it.

If you're a real friend anyway.

[JudynTX]

I personally would never ever do this to my BFF. We have different tastes when it comes to men. :lol

[JoeChalupa]

People who have been romantically involved with your friends should always be off limits. Always.

Even if it's been years and years since they've gone separate ways. Never do it.

If you're a real friend anyway.

The hell with that. If she's hot I'm going for it and any real man would.

[JoeChalupa]

I personally would never ever do this to my BFF. We have different tastes when it comes to men. :lol

I've found that women have different tastes too..literally.

[BacktoBasics]

The hell with that. If she's hot I'm going for it and any real selfish asshole would.
FTFY

[JudynTX]

I've found that women have different tastes too..literally.

:wow:lmao

[JoeChalupa]

FTFY

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y29/clintsquint/crybaby.gif

[ORION]

To me scoring with my friend's ex doesn't do it for me. I need to scale a mountain that my fellow "climbers" haven't

[JoeChalupa]

To me scoring with my friend's ex doesn't do it for me. I need to scale a mountain that my fellow "climbers" haven't

Unless she's a virgin...you are climbing down hill.

[ORION]

Unless she's a virgin...you are climbing down hill.

Yeah thats different. Thats more like Open Season, but if your friends are good friends they will give you their notes to help you out.

[Ant]

end of the day? depends how hot she is.

no man turns down hot tang. NO MAN!

[BacktoBasics]

L to R JC / JC's BFF


http://i131.photobucket.com/albums/p314/resinhands/Brente.jpg

[SpursWoman]

...and also, WTH would I want to go out with my friend's cast off? He's a cast off for a reason, and it's usually not a good one. Duh. :lol

[BackStabber]

L to R JC / JC's BFF


http://i131.photobucket.com/albums/p314/resinhands/Brente.jpg

I got your back JC.

[ploto]

The woman who is the ex is already married and has a child. It is time for her to get over it. Any of you are welcome to my ex-- you can have him.

[MiamiHeat]

Lesson of this thread :

Never be JoeChalupa's friend or he will want to F your boyfriend/girlfriend.

[JoeChalupa]

Lesson of this thread :

Never be JoeChalupa's friend or he will want to F your boyfriend/girlfriend.

Only EX girlfriends who are hot.......and if I were single.

[TDMVPDPOY]

dude thats nothing, peak of the mountain lies MFHMILF

[LuvBones]

First off, if you're a true friend you would never ever go after your friend's ex. Obviously for the emotions involved and also there's just so many people in the world!! Find somebody else..
If they didn't date long or it wasn't serious I doubt I would still want the person because something made them not "long-term material" but that's just me..

But about this story, where the other girl is already married... she needs to think about why she has such a problem with it now. It's not like her friend just wants a fling with this guy, they want to marry.. And it's not like she has a chance to get back with him because she is also married. Once you're married, you have to be able to let those ex's go. It's a tough situation but I think she should just be happy for her friend... happy that she found true love, not happy that she stabbed her in the back. :lol

[exstatic]

Surprised no one has brought up this angle before. Maybe the friend had an acrimonious breakup, and never wanted to see her ex again. Now, he's being dragged back into her life, courtesy of her (now former) friend.

[ManLaw]

I gotta go with JC on this one....

88nAlb0qP5E

For real men that is....

[The Franchise]

I say no but thats just me. She and the friend may be better suited for each other.

[CuckingFunt]

As with everything else that gets reduced to absolutes on this board, it depends entirely on the situation. Communication, on all sides, is the most important thing.

For example, I have a male friend that I've always gotten along with extremely well and a few years ago we decided to make the leap from friendship to dating. We stuck it out for a few months before it was time to admit that we just weren't compatible that way, but we always remained really close friends. In fact, I ended up introducing him to another friend of mine that I thought he'd really connect with and the two of them are still together. There were no hurt feelings or jealousies and everyone is happy.

On the other hand, I think I would feel extremely betrayed if a friend started dating/fucking someone with whom I had an especially bad break up. I like to think that my friends are on my side in that situation. It would also be pretty selfish on their part to not consider how uncomfortable it would be for me to potentially have to socialize with an ex again. I'd be bothered by a random hookup, too. Maybe even more so. Provided the ex wasn't a complete jerk, I could see myself possibly getting over hurt feelings and being happy for my friend if there was a legitimate connection. But if they were just drunk and horny? There are plenty of people out there without resorting to my castoffs.

[ShoogarBear]

There are plenty of people out there without resorting to my castoffs.

Although that gets mathematically harder with every passing week. :p:

[CuckingFunt]

Although that gets mathematically harder with every passing week. :p:

There are moments I wish this was true.

[exstatic]

Although that gets mathematically harder with every passing week. :p:

Oh...shit.








:lol

[Richard Cranium]

I can see both sides. I've had some nasty breakups but I don't dwell on them for the rest of my life. Geezus, get over it already. Heck, I've hated and couldn't stand some of the women some of my friends dated but I didn't let that get in the way of our friendship. Some even married them and I still can't stand them but I put up with them because I still enjoy spending time with my friend.

[JoeChalupa]

I gotta go with JC on this one....

88nAlb0qP5E

For real men that is....


Well, at least a couple get where I'm coming from.

[2Blonde]

I didn't offer up my ex husband to any of my friends after I divorced him. But that's b/c I would never do that to a friend. Now,:lol my enemies were welcome to him.

[DarkReign]

[
I think I'm alone now.....

No, youre not. People that lay claim to ex's are douchebags. Theyre possesive, insecure and immature. They couldnt fathom a world where *GASP* theyre ex is fucking their friend?!

"OMG! My poor, damaged EGO! :dramaquee"

You know what? Some people, namely you and your ex, arent compatible for different reasons at different times. Maybe when you two dated, you were both 22 years old....we're 28 now, he/she is extremely different as am I.

If that violates a friendship, youre not a friend. Sorry. The world is full of people who need their ego massaged, glad I knew where to file you.

[DarkReign]

People are constantly talking about "their past emotional attachment" when justifying friends not being able to date their ex's.

I have a question for people like that....

Do you need help with that baggage, or are you going to carry that shit around your whole life?

Bunch of fucking touchy-feely, emotional wimps. Hell, I had a friend's older brother straight steal my girlfriend! Yeah, it sucked. Yeah, I was pissed for awhile. But in the end, I got the fuck over it and I had no lingering problem with him afterword. Why should I? Man, this is a free country...she chose him. Am I gonna cry about that the rest of my life in some lonely bar? Grow up, son.

Im a married man now, and I could give 2 shits about one of my brothers/friends dating some broad I used to. Care less!

You know why? Because this life is entirely too short to get all hung up on some person that did you wrong or some relationship that didnt work out. So what, you got your poor, fragile little heart broke...the band plays on friend.

Be a fucking adult. Deal with your mommy issues and grow up about adults being adults and the chance that yes, your friend/brother/sister may at some point start fucking one of your ex's.

DISCLAIMER: this is no way applies to ex-husbands or ex-wives. Those are the ONLY exceptions.

[JoeChalupa]

That's what I'm talking about. Life goes on. :tu

[SpursWoman]

For some, I guess. Some people just value the feelings of those people they care about a little more than others, apparently.

Who gives a shit if it's rational or not or the mature thing to do? Is there a rule book that says it should be so? WTF? You're such a badass. :lol

[JoeChalupa]

For some, I guess. Some people just value the feelings of those people they care about a little more than others, apparently.

Who gives a shit if it's rational or not or the mature thing to do? Is there a rule book that says it should be so? WTF? You're such a badass. :lol


Yup. To each his own. I guess I use manlaw. :( And I do care about the feelings of others but not to the extent others do when it comes to relationship baggage and if that makes me less of a person then so be it. But I don't think it does.

[SpursWoman]

Yup. To each his own. I guess I use manlaw. :( And I do care about the feelings of others but not to the extent others do when it comes to relationship baggage and if that makes me less of a person then so be it. But I don't think it does.


It really doesn't have much to do with emotional baggage with MY friend and I at all. It's just something that used to come up a lot with us when we were younger and we always thought a dude doing that was a sleaze bag.

But then, she's closer to me than a sister ... not just a friend, and mostly it was invitations for both of us together. heh.

[mrsmaalox]

Well I have never been in a position to date my friends' exes and I don't think I would. They are exes for a reason. And has been pointed out this is not a perfect world; but there are all kinds of people in this world, and I personally, would never let my own selfishness stand in the way of a good friend's happinness. And if it's with my ex and I have moved on, remarried, had a child, it would be just too vindictive to begrudge someone else the same thing. I just couldn't do it.

[DarkReign]

It really doesn't have much to do with emotional baggage with MY friend and I at all. It's just something that used to come up a lot with us when we were younger and we always thought a dude doing that was a sleaze bag.
But then, she's closer to me than a sister ... not just a friend, and mostly it was invitations for both of us together. heh.

Whoa whoa whoa...

If its something you and your friend explicitly talked about and agreed upon, then of course you should honor your word.

I was talking about people assuming such things to be the case.

[101A]

People are constantly talking about "their past emotional attachment" when justifying friends not being able to date their ex's.

I have a question for people like that....

Do you need help with that baggage, or are you going to carry that shit around your whole life?

Bunch of fucking touchy-feely, emotional wimps. Hell, I had a friend's older brother straight steal my girlfriend! Yeah, it sucked. Yeah, I was pissed for awhile. But in the end, I got the fuck over it and I had no lingering problem with him afterword. Why should I? Man, this is a free country...she chose him. Am I gonna cry about that the rest of my life in some lonely bar? Grow up, son.

Im a married man now, and I could give 2 shits about one of my brothers/friends dating some broad I used to. Care less!

You know why? Because this life is entirely too short to get all hung up on some person that did you wrong or some relationship that didnt work out. So what, you got your poor, fragile little heart broke...the band plays on friend.

Be a fucking adult. Deal with your mommy issues and grow up about adults being adults and the chance that yes, your friend/brother/sister may at some point start fucking one of your ex's.

DISCLAIMER: this is no way applies to ex-husbands or ex-wives. Those are the ONLY exceptions.

I am married to a buddies ex-girlfriend; and have been for 18 years.

NOT only that; but we are great friends with him and his wife; in fact, God-Parents to each others respective kids.

GF/BF is just practice for the real thing. When it's over, it's over.

[DarkReign]

Well I have never been in a position to date my friends' exes and I don't think I would. They are exes for a reason. And has been pointed out this is not a perfect world; but there are all kinds of people in this world, and I personally, would never let my own selfishness stand in the way of a good friend's happinness. And if it's with my ex and I have moved on, remarried, had a child, it would be just too vindictive to begrudge someone else the same thing. I just couldn't do it.

Congratulations on being an adult. Some couldnt possibly understand such a thing.

(not directed at you, mrs)

If he/she is your friend and they start dating one of your ex's and it makes them happy...who are you to begrudge them that on some silly-ass possession clause?

How selfish are YOU to think just because you were emotionally attached to someone a long time ago, automatically disqualifies ANYONE you ever knew from taking in interest in them in the future?

What fucking planet are you from?

(obviously, such as SW's situation where it was agreed upon being an exception. Youre only as good as your word.)

[DarkReign]

I am married to a buddies ex-girlfriend; and have been for 18 years.

NOT only that; but we are great friends with him and his wife; in fact, God-Parents to each others respective kids.

GF/BF is just practice for the real thing. When it's over, it's over.

Hallelujah.

Case.
In.
Point.

Grow up, children.

[SpursWoman]

Whoa whoa whoa...

If its something you and your friend explicitly talked about and agreed upon, then of course you should honor your word.

I was talking about people assuming such things to be the case.


I honestly don't think we've ever actually agreed on anything in so many words ... but it's instinctual for me to be turned off by anyone she's ever dated. Probably because I've gotten to listen to her bitch about *him* incessantly right up until *their* demise. And if you can imagine, that's rather off-putting. :rolleyes :lol

And she's also probably one, if not the only, one I feel that way about as far as ex's are concerned.

*shrugs*

[angel_luv]

Provided the ex wasn't a complete jerk, I could see myself possibly getting over hurt feelings and being happy for my friend if there was a legitimate connection. But if they were just drunk and horny? There are plenty of people out there without resorting to my castoffs.

I am curious, thus the following questions.
If the questions are too personal in nature, forget I asked.

You said you might be okay if there was a legitimate connection between a friend of yours and your ex.

So at what point would you want to be made aware of your friend's interest in your ex- when she first developed feelings, when she first learned her feelings for the guy were mutual, or after they decided to date seriously?

And if she chose not to tell you until they were already dating seriously, would you see that as wisdom or betrayal on the part of your friend?

[DarkReign]

I honestly don't think we've ever actually agreed on anything in so many words ... but it's instinctual for me to be turned off by anyone she's ever dated. Probably because I've gotten to listen to her bitch about *him* incessantly right up until *their* demise. And if you can imagine, that's rather off-putting. :rolleyes :lol

And she's also probably one, if not the only, one I feel that way about as far as ex's are concerned.

*shrugs*

Now thats totally fair. Youre a victim of knowing too much :lol

I always approach these opinion threads the same. I treat it as if one of my friends asked me the question and I respond in the exact way I would in person.

Hope no one gets too offended. I am just not a very emotional person and have a problem understanding those who are over-emotional, to the point of absurdity.

[JoeChalupa]

Now thats totally fair. Youre a victim of knowing too much :lol

I always approach these opinion threads the same. I treat it as if one of my friends asked me the question and I respond in the exact way I would in person.

Hope no one gets too offended. I am just not a very emotional person and have a problem understanding those who are over-emotional, to the point of absurdity.

I consider myself a caring person but and not wanting to intentionally hurt someone else's feeling but this is just a little too much for me but I'm sure I'm being hypocritical since I'd probably have a different opinion on other emotional situations if that makes any sense.

[ShoogarBear]

Hey, would now be a good time to tell Joe about me and the missus back in the day?



(kidding! kidding! kidding!!!!)

[CuckingFunt]

I am curious, thus the following questions.
If the questions are too personal in nature, forget I asked.

You said you might be okay if there was a legitimate connection between a friend of yours and your ex.

So at what point would you want to be made aware of your friend's interest in your ex- when she first developed feelings, when she first learned her feelings for the guy were mutual, or after they decided to date seriously?

And if she chose not to tell you until they were already dating seriously, would you see that as wisdom or betrayal on the part of your friend?

Depends entirely on the situation/people involved. Communication and honesty are the most important things to me in all of my relationships -- boyfriends/girlfriends, friends, family, etc. -- and I would feel betrayed if I felt that something was being intentionally hidden from me.

For example, if one of my very close friends, one who normally shares everything with me, started seeing an ex and didn't tell me until several weeks in, I would probably feel hurt that he/she felt like they couldn't trust me with that information sooner. If a more casual friend started dating an ex and I didn't find out for several weeks, on the other hand, I likely wouldn't feel as hurt by their withholding that information.

[angel_luv]

Depends entirely on the situation/people involved. Communication and honesty are the most important things to me in all of my relationships -- boyfriends/girlfriends, friends, family, etc. -- and I would feel betrayed if I felt that something was being intentionally hidden from me.

For example, if one of my very close friends, one who normally shares everything with me, started seeing an ex and didn't tell me until several weeks in, I would probably feel hurt that he/she felt like they couldn't trust me with that information sooner. If a more casual friend started dating an ex and I didn't find out for several weeks, on the other hand, I likely wouldn't feel as hurt by their withholding that information.


Thank you for answering. :)

I pray I am never in a position to worry about someone dating my ex.

Bo is my first boyfriend and I want to keep him. :)

[dbreiden83080]

Uh if i were her husband i would want to know "Why the hell she cares so damn much about her friend wanting to date someone well in her past"? "If our marriage is strong, you should not care at all and just be happy for your friend" Doesn't make sense to me at all. If she has no feelings for the guy anymore, what is the problem??

My father was in a spot like this in college. He dated someone for over a year, it was pretty serious, but they broke up, his best friend asked "if he could ask her out, my father said sure," as he was now dating the woman that came to be his wife, my mother. Well they ended up getting married around the same time my father got marrried to my mother. Stayed close friends for many many years. If someone is not a match and there are no more feelings involved, then the ex should just be happy for their friend that they found eachother. That's the way i see it..

[JoeChalupa]

Hey, would now be a good time to tell Joe about me and the missus back in the day?



(kidding! kidding! kidding!!!!)

D'OH!!