tp2021
11-11-2008, 08:10 PM
Tue Nov 11, 2008 12:44 pm EST
The Most Boring Champions Club welcomes Jimmie Johnson
By Jay Busbee
Jimmie Johnson is about to put the final touches on one of the finest athletic runs of the 21st century, winning his third straight Sprint Cup title. And it's such a thrilling moment that ABC cut away from the end of the penultimate race of the season to run "America's Funniest Home Videos."
Johnson is as coolly professional as a bank teller, which puts him among the growing ranks of athletes who are tamping down every bit of personality and sanding off every rough edge. Sponsors love 'em, their leagues exalt 'em, and the fans use 'em as an opportunity to catch a Sunday afternoon nap. They're everywhere, friends, and their number is growing by yawn-inducing leaps and bounds. Look, we know it's tough being a pro athlete, but is the occasional incident of gunplay at a strip club, profanity-laced incoherent rant on live TV, or drunken stumble out of a starlet's Malibu condo too much to ask? I say no.
So bust open a Red Bull, prop open those eyes with toothpicks, and peruse this list of the most boring champions in sports to ... hey! Wake up! We haven't even started yet!
Jimmie Johnson, presumptive three-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion. Johnson is as vanilla off the track as he is relentless on it. Smooth, well-spoken, precise, and a sponsor's dream, he's impossible to hate, which ironically makes him tough to love.
And a few more for your consideration ...
Tiger Woods, golf icon. Sure, Tiger has all kinds of wacky commercials that seem to paint him as a fun-lovin' dude. He's so unstoppable on the course, but off it, he's just ... there. His voice, which has been compared to the "banana in the tailpipe" guy from Beverly Hills Cop*, doesn't exactly strike fear in your heart, either. (*-It was Simmons, of course. The twenty-year-old Eighties movie reference should have tipped you off.)
Michael Phelps, Olympic gold medal collector. I defy you to find a more stirring instant in sports this year than Phelps' hunt for gold. And I defy you to find anything interesting or remarkable that Phelps has said or done since then, talk radio tantrums notwithstanding.
Pete Sampras, boring tennis legend, emeritus division. People tried so hard to create a rivalry between Sampras and Andre Agassi during their heyday. But the interplay between Sampras and Agassi was like playing tennis against a sponge backboard. Sampras is one of the greatest athletes of the late 20th century but as lively as a three-year-old tennis ball.
Greg Maddux, poker-faced pitcher. Maddux was the mainstay of the awe-inspiring Atlanta Braves pitching rotation of the '90s, an armada of Hall of Famers with the fiery personality of a Des Moines accounting firm. Maddux's nickname is "Mad Dog," the obvious irony being he's about as ferocious as a hound dog asleep on a porch. He'll strike your butt out, but you just might doze through it. (He apparently showers his teammates with love, but nobody else sees that ... if they would even want to.)
Phil Ivey, poker superstar. Poker's answer to Tiger Woods, Ivey is a five-time World Series of Poker champion with a trademark "cold stare" that ices his opponents. Ices his opponents ... and bores the holy snot out of the rest of us. He makes winning a year's mortgage look as exciting as paying a year's mortgage.
Tim Duncan, NBA champion. The centerpiece of the most boring championship dynasty ever assembled, the San Antonio Spurs. Duncan will drop 40 points on you, but he'll still look like he's about to take a nap in the paint. So dull that his press conferences are a Chinese-food menu-style "One from column A, one from column B..." litany of cliches.
Kevin Garnett. Nah, kidding. Just checking to see if you're paying attention.
Roger Federer, star in ... what was the name of that sport? Oh, yeah, tennis. Here's a Federer game: Serve. Volley. Point. Serve. Volley. Point. Serve. Ace. Serve. Volley. Point. Game over. And that description makes it sound even more exciting than it is.
Nicklas Lidstrom, Stanley Cup champion. The Detroit Red Wings' captain is a pleasant, exceedingly competent, soft-spoken gentleman -- which is exactly what you don't want in a freakin' hockey player! The defenseman is the symbol of the Wings' numbingly boring style of hockey, and making hockey boring is quite a feat in itself.
... hmph? Wha? No, no, I wasn't sleeping, I was typing with my eyes closed. Seriously. Go Jimmie!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't think anybody even bothers anymore with learning about Tim. "Everyone else says he is boring, so I'm gonna write about him being boring without seeing if he really is for myself."
The Most Boring Champions Club welcomes Jimmie Johnson
By Jay Busbee
Jimmie Johnson is about to put the final touches on one of the finest athletic runs of the 21st century, winning his third straight Sprint Cup title. And it's such a thrilling moment that ABC cut away from the end of the penultimate race of the season to run "America's Funniest Home Videos."
Johnson is as coolly professional as a bank teller, which puts him among the growing ranks of athletes who are tamping down every bit of personality and sanding off every rough edge. Sponsors love 'em, their leagues exalt 'em, and the fans use 'em as an opportunity to catch a Sunday afternoon nap. They're everywhere, friends, and their number is growing by yawn-inducing leaps and bounds. Look, we know it's tough being a pro athlete, but is the occasional incident of gunplay at a strip club, profanity-laced incoherent rant on live TV, or drunken stumble out of a starlet's Malibu condo too much to ask? I say no.
So bust open a Red Bull, prop open those eyes with toothpicks, and peruse this list of the most boring champions in sports to ... hey! Wake up! We haven't even started yet!
Jimmie Johnson, presumptive three-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion. Johnson is as vanilla off the track as he is relentless on it. Smooth, well-spoken, precise, and a sponsor's dream, he's impossible to hate, which ironically makes him tough to love.
And a few more for your consideration ...
Tiger Woods, golf icon. Sure, Tiger has all kinds of wacky commercials that seem to paint him as a fun-lovin' dude. He's so unstoppable on the course, but off it, he's just ... there. His voice, which has been compared to the "banana in the tailpipe" guy from Beverly Hills Cop*, doesn't exactly strike fear in your heart, either. (*-It was Simmons, of course. The twenty-year-old Eighties movie reference should have tipped you off.)
Michael Phelps, Olympic gold medal collector. I defy you to find a more stirring instant in sports this year than Phelps' hunt for gold. And I defy you to find anything interesting or remarkable that Phelps has said or done since then, talk radio tantrums notwithstanding.
Pete Sampras, boring tennis legend, emeritus division. People tried so hard to create a rivalry between Sampras and Andre Agassi during their heyday. But the interplay between Sampras and Agassi was like playing tennis against a sponge backboard. Sampras is one of the greatest athletes of the late 20th century but as lively as a three-year-old tennis ball.
Greg Maddux, poker-faced pitcher. Maddux was the mainstay of the awe-inspiring Atlanta Braves pitching rotation of the '90s, an armada of Hall of Famers with the fiery personality of a Des Moines accounting firm. Maddux's nickname is "Mad Dog," the obvious irony being he's about as ferocious as a hound dog asleep on a porch. He'll strike your butt out, but you just might doze through it. (He apparently showers his teammates with love, but nobody else sees that ... if they would even want to.)
Phil Ivey, poker superstar. Poker's answer to Tiger Woods, Ivey is a five-time World Series of Poker champion with a trademark "cold stare" that ices his opponents. Ices his opponents ... and bores the holy snot out of the rest of us. He makes winning a year's mortgage look as exciting as paying a year's mortgage.
Tim Duncan, NBA champion. The centerpiece of the most boring championship dynasty ever assembled, the San Antonio Spurs. Duncan will drop 40 points on you, but he'll still look like he's about to take a nap in the paint. So dull that his press conferences are a Chinese-food menu-style "One from column A, one from column B..." litany of cliches.
Kevin Garnett. Nah, kidding. Just checking to see if you're paying attention.
Roger Federer, star in ... what was the name of that sport? Oh, yeah, tennis. Here's a Federer game: Serve. Volley. Point. Serve. Volley. Point. Serve. Ace. Serve. Volley. Point. Game over. And that description makes it sound even more exciting than it is.
Nicklas Lidstrom, Stanley Cup champion. The Detroit Red Wings' captain is a pleasant, exceedingly competent, soft-spoken gentleman -- which is exactly what you don't want in a freakin' hockey player! The defenseman is the symbol of the Wings' numbingly boring style of hockey, and making hockey boring is quite a feat in itself.
... hmph? Wha? No, no, I wasn't sleeping, I was typing with my eyes closed. Seriously. Go Jimmie!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't think anybody even bothers anymore with learning about Tim. "Everyone else says he is boring, so I'm gonna write about him being boring without seeing if he really is for myself."