Advice????

[johnsmith]

I've been married for just a hair over two years. It's been good (not great), but lately all I can think about is "man I could have fun if I was single", and this thought process has probably led to many arguments and frankly, has invaded my mind of late.

i love my wife very much, but I loved goofing off and being single almost as much (ok, just as much).



So my question is this, does everyone go through this? Am I normal in regards to marriage and just be patient or should I nip this shit in the bud?

I know this sounds sort of fucked up, but I need some advice. If anyone is good at this shit, please respond or PM me.

Good day to you all,
JohnSmith

[Slydragon]

If you have more thoughts of being single than trying to stay married then why waste her time and yours, when you both can move on. Not saying it will be easy but do it sooner rather than later.

Not great advice, but I believe if you are not 100% into the relationship and don't see yourself getting old with this person then why waste each other's time. Be straight with them and don't lead them on.

[johnsmith]

If you have more thoughts of being single than trying to stay married then why waste her time and yours, when you both can move on. Not saying it will be easy but do it sooner rather than later.

Generally, I would agree with this. But married folk often tell me to be prepared for shit like this and that they've been through phases like this, so I don't want to jump the gun on this shit and regret it later.

[Slydragon]

Generally, I would agree with this. But married folk often tell me to be prepared for shit like this and that they've been through phases like this, so I don't want to jump the gun on this shit and regret it later.

I did a edit and added a bit more.

[Slydragon]

How odd you posted this then a few minutes later Angel_luv posted a thread about her getting proposed to.

Marriages come and marriages go.

[johnsmith]

Ok, but I'm fucking married, this isn't dating shit. There was a time when we were dating, just got engaged, etc, where I saw nothing other then getting old with her. I still see myself getting old with her, becoming delusional with her, etc. My confusion stems from the fact that I'm 2 years deep into my first (and hopefully only) marriage, and suddenly I'm having doubts. It seems fucked up.


I need some advice from "married forever" people, and "divorced and fuck marriage" people.


Worst part about all of this is that lately I keep running mythological "divorced" financial budgets and have come to the conclusion that I could go on some kick ass vacations if we did split up.

[desflood]

Marriages come and marriages go.
:rolleyes

JS, this is normal. Don't take the p*ssy way out and give up so easily. Marriage is actually a lot better than being single so long as you're willing to put a little bit of effort into it.

[exstatic]

Ok, but I'm fucking married, this isn't dating shit. There was a time when we were dating, just got engaged, etc, where I saw nothing other then getting old with her. I still see myself getting old with her, becoming delusional with her, etc. My confusion stems from the fact that I'm 2 years deep into my first (and hopefully only) marriage, and suddenly I'm having doubts. It seems fucked up.


I need some advice from "married forever" people, and "divorced and fuck marriage" people.


Worst part about all of this is that lately I keep running mythological "divorced" financial budgets and have come to the conclusion that I could go on some kick ass vacations if we did split up.

Don't ever assume that you get out of the marriage with one red cent if you're the guy. Start running those vacation projections with zero dollars in the bank and an alimony payment subtracted from your income.

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

[DannyT]

once again a classic example of you can make a ho a house wife....but this time its the dude!!!

stop being selfish be goofy with you wife and if thats not fun then its time to bring out the axe murderer.

[DannyT]

Ok, but I'm fucking married, this isn't dating shit. There was a time when we were dating, just got engaged, etc, where I saw nothing other then getting old with her. I still see myself getting old with her, becoming delusional with her, etc. My confusion stems from the fact that I'm 2 years deep into my first (and hopefully only) marriage, and suddenly I'm having doubts. It seems fucked up.


I need some advice from "married forever" people, and "divorced and fuck marriage" people.


Worst part about all of this is that lately I keep running mythological "divorced" financial budgets and have come to the conclusion that I could go on some kick ass vacations if we did split up.




grow up man, you aint ready do her a favor and break up with her....please before you do something stupid like get her pregnant cause you aint ready dude...you aint strong enough yet b

[MannyIsGod]

We all have urges and thoughts but its up to you to have some restraint and remember what you signed up for. I've never been married, but I think that sounds pretty normal for certain people. I'm sure some people are happy all the time when they're married, but I'm sure others always want what they can't have.

You say you love your wife so I think you just have to man up and deal with it. I'm assuming there are not things in your marriage that drive you bat shit crazy and that you actually do still love your wife.

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

An english professor who had been married for 20 years offered this advice a few weeks before my wedding: "If you ever feel like quitting on your relationship just remember that most second marriages fail."

You refer to the time frame for these feelings as "lately" a few times. How long are we talking about? Obviously there's no hard and fast deadline saying that if you have two weeks of doubt you need to divorce her. I'm just curious.

I've been married for a little over three years, been with her for nearly seven years total. I've never had doubts so bad that I ever really considered divorce, though there were some rough times in our engagement where I had to step back and really considered if this is what I wanted.

I felt a lot like you did, kinda trapped and thinking about what life was like before my wife was in the picture. For me it wasn't any real desire for the "good old days" as much as a fear that I was losing a part of me in the process of the relationship. That's a realization that can sneak up on you out of nowhere: you can no longer simply be John. You are forever John&Jane. That's a scary ass moment to have and it's only natural to see that change and instinctively try to fight it in some way. That may not be the case for you, but it's something to think about.

In terms of any real advice I guess I'd have to say the number one thing you should do is talk to your wife about this openly and honestly. If your marriage can't handle you two being totally honest then that's a pretty clear clue about what you should do. Obviously it's a very touchy subject, so it might be worth laying some ground rules before you begin, or even seeing a marriage counselor if that's an option. From what it sounds like you could probably benefit from a pact that I know a lot of couples have: have some time set aside during every week that is yours and yours alone where you can go and do whatever you want to, while setting aside an equal block of time each week entirely devoted to each other.

If you really love her (and it sounds like you do) this could very easily just be a very simple case of familiarity breeding a little contempt. In such a situation it's amazing how a few small tweaks can make a relationship feel brand new.

[Kori Ellis]

Some couples get comfortable with each other and start lose appreciation of how much their partner means to them. This may sound dumb, but you have to concentrate on the reasons why you married her. Do some exercises in that - right down a list of why you love her/fell in love with her, figure out if there's anything that you are missing now from the "honeymoon stage" of marriage - are you spending less time together, less sex, more stress, etc? And then try to work on infusing those positive things back into your relationship.

I'm sure the grass might seem greener, but maybe once you start concentrating on all the reasons you love her and start working on getting some of that love/passion back into your current relationship, you'll realize that being single isn't really what you want.

Anyway, I'm pretty much talking out of my ass, because I never have had these feelings that you are having personally. But I think that if you just time to reflect and appreciate (which I do every day) then you will stay excited about being married.

[Kori Ellis]

Oh and bang her a lot.

[THE SIXTH MAN]

Oh and bang her a lot.

nice save :tu :lol

[Lebowski Brickowski]

You're being dishonest by indulging your single "fantasies." Thurn your attention elsewhere. You can control that.
At some point you decided to do this forever ........ right? (i hope so anyway.) Being married doesn't change the ups and downs -- it just means that you have the choice to put up your defenses about shit or open up and become available and vulnerable in ways you never even imagined. It's a HARD HARD thing to do but it is worth the world 10 times over. It all comes down to 2 things: #1 -- Commitment (as in -- no matter what) and #2 -- Honesty -- hard truth with yourself and with your wife. Those two things get you through the doubts and lows. Shit -- my parents told me "there's times when you wish the other person was dead." Still married 40 yrs and happier together than ever.

Dude -- I've told my wife that I missed out on a ton of shit -- most of my young adulthood -- because of marriage and kids and that I was resentful of her because of it. It's crazy but seemed rational at the time (maybe that's where you are now.) She's told me the same thing.

Discipline yourself to use the energy you spend worrying about these feelings on things that will build the marriage.

--you asked for it-- :toast -- the advice, that is :lol

[marini martini]

Shit, or get off the pot.:toast

[2centsworth]

I go through those types of bouts once or twice a year. However, nobody knows me, loves me, or accepts me more than my wife. We built a family together and I love the role of Dad. Then top that off with I love her and care about he well-being and you got what I think/know is a life long marriage. We have been married for 11yrs and dating for 15 so far. It's worth it!

Advice, give up porn and jacking-off and focus on being relational with your wife. Doing that made my marriage so much better!

[TDMVPDPOY]

Oh and bang her a lot.

we need proof of this.....where is TIMVP?

and how many bangs you recommend?

[Obstructed_View]

I felt that way when my wife and I started dating. I wanted some space, and some time to have some fun, so we broke up for a while. Then she got a date, and I suddenly realized how unimportant that shit was to me when faced with the prospect of losing her. Maybe it's vain, and maybe that's a stupid reason, but it was enough for me, and I'm glad it wasn't too late. Fifteen years later, I'd rather be miserable with her than happy with any other woman. I can't speak for your situation, but most men that leave their wives for greener pastures realize what a mistake it was pretty quick.

And bang her a lot.

[byrontx]

Didn't you make a commitment? Are commitments something that only last as long as its fun?

Don't talk to your wife about being being so shallow; you'll just piss her off. Your single fantasy world is perfect-reality would not be.

Plan a date with your wife, seduce her and give her a good banging. You will realize that married life is pretty good after all.

[leo_d]

...That's a realization that can sneak up on you out of nowhere: you can no longer simply be John. You are forever John&Jane.

Oh shit!!!

I`ve got to talk to my girlfriend.

[BacktoBasics]

This is normal. I live it everyday. Its not immaturity or the fact that you're not ready for marriage. Just like any loss you feel the loss of your independence and a loss of sole control over who you are. Instead of living your life the way you want to live it you're living a shared life with all its ups and downs, sacrifices, leveraging and so forth....ups and downs you might not have to go through if you were single so its natural to feel a need for that control and independence again. You probably at times feel that you're living your life for someone else not yourself. The stems from abandoning your fun time for do nothing time or boring marriage time..saving for this and scarificing for that blah blah blah. It gets old quick. Life usually becomes so redundant that boredom sets in and you would kill to just pick up and go watch some titties shaking around while slamming beers with the boys.

Advice: If you love her stick it out. It does get better. You guys have got to start doing more things outside of the house. Get out more. Find that independence again by planning short trips or days out together where you guys can have some fun instead of just sitting around the house doing nothing and saving for your future.

Do not have kids. If you think you have no freedom now just wait and see how bad it gets.

If you don't love her then bail now and start having fun. PM me about it and I'll live vicariously through your freedom.

[ploto]

You did not specify what kind of "fun" you could be having if you were single. If you are talking about other women, then that is a bad sign. If you mean something else, they why not do those things? No one says that you have to do everything together just because you are married or that you can not have fun together. Did you have fun with her before you were married? Do you do those things anymore? Do you have any other worries or stresses that you are actually wanting to "escape" as opposd to it actually being her--like financial, job, ... Is she clingy or needy? There are a lot of dynamics in the relationship but if you bail at the first sign of anything tough, then you are too immature to be married.

[leemajors]

go see a therapist. SFIE's post was excellent. if nothing else a therapist can just sit there and listen to you vent, and help you get your thoughts in order.

[PM5K]

How old are you, and how long have you been together and married?

[spursfan09]

We were talking about this subject in class one day. What I believe is that marriage is not for young people. Along time ago it might of been since life span averarge was what? 35? Now we all live longer. We experience more things, meet more peopole everyday. We have the internet where you can meet people or watch porn. There is just so much going against marriage, but if you are in a marriage and you make that commitment then you took vows to be with her. You should try to make it work. If you still feel that you would rather be single, than join the other majority that feel like you and do it.

[j-6]

I've been married for just a hair over two years. It's been good (not great), but lately all I can think about is "man I could have fun if I was single", and this thought process has probably led to many arguments and frankly, has invaded my mind of late.

i love my wife very much, but I loved goofing off and being single almost as much (ok, just as much).



So my question is this, does everyone go through this? Am I normal in regards to marriage and just be patient or should I nip this shit in the bud?

I know this sounds sort of fucked up, but I need some advice. If anyone is good at this shit, please respond or PM me.

Good day to you all,
JohnSmith


Before you do anything stupid, think of all the times you went out and came home empty-handed when you were single. I don't know if you're craving new tail or if you don't like the accountability that comes along with marriage. If it's just screwing off with your hombres and coming and going as you please, find a hobby that incorporates a little of that into your relationship. Golf, bowling, poker, shit like that.

[Trainwreck2100]

Two years ago you had control of your own life. Now look at you, posting on a Friday night instead of being out the and running what you're supposed to , the solution is simple. We kill the Batman

[Bigzax]

I've been married for just a hair over two years. It's been good (not great), but lately all I can think about is "man I could have fun if I was single", and this thought process has probably led to many arguments and frankly, has invaded my mind of late.

i love my wife very much, but I loved goofing off and being single almost as much (ok, just as much).

So my question is this, does everyone go through this? Am I normal in regards to marriage and just be patient or should I nip this shit in the bud?

I know this sounds sort of fucked up, but I need some advice. If anyone is good at this shit, please respond or PM me.

Good day to you all,
JohnSmith


if you have a woman that loves you. hold on tight. love her back.
you must find ways to have fun together!

all that other stuff is bullshit that gives immediate pleasure and long term heartache.

if she doesn't love you? then it's time to part ways.

you should have your answer. God Bless.

[duncan228]

...I'd rather be miserable with her than happy with any other woman.

This sums it up perfectly for me.

Marriage, or any committed relationship, comes with good and bad. And sometimes real bad. If your love survives the ugly stuff you know it's real. Anyone can be happy when things are rosy.

[MasterYoda]

I've been married for just a hair over two years. It's been good (not great),

ohhh...expect marriage to be great, hmmm... know what makes it great, do you?


but lately all I can think about is "man I could have fun if I was single", and this thought process has probably led to many arguments and frankly, has invaded my mind of late.

lost in thoughts of selfishness, you are. beware the seduction of the darkside. happiness does not dwell there. only emptiness.

if argue with you, she does?

hurt, she may be. expect more from her husband, she might.

love you, she must, or care she would not!


i love my wife very much, but I loved goofing off and being single almost as much (ok, just as much).

love her, you do?

or love yourself more, do you? within the answer to this question, your fate, will you find.



So my question is this, does everyone go through this? Am I normal in regards to marriage and just be patient or should I nip this shit in the bud?

universal battle, this is...

when achieved, victory is, over ones self, only then, free will they be, to truly love another...hmmm....yes.

yes, patience...require it you do.


I know this sounds sort of fucked up, but I need some advice. If anyone is good at this shit, please respond or PM me.

Good day to you all,
JohnSmith

May the force be with you, always.

[TDMVPDPOY]

plutonic friends everyone needs them :D

[SequSpur]

as long as she makes pie and get your crown and coke.. she's a keeper.. :tu

[dickface]

http://www.precision-greens.com/harmfulfacts.jpg

[2Blonde]

You do realize that you MARRIED her and not LEASED her. There aren't term limits, upgrades & satisfaction-or-your-old-life-back-guaranteed. Short of abusive behavior in a marriage you do your best to keep those VOWS you made.
Under no circumstances should you tell her what your feeling if you haven't decided what to do. Work it out in your head first. She doesn't deserve to lose her sense of security because you're having 2nd thoughts. All marriages go through ups & downs. That why the vows say "for better or worse". Think about how you would feel if you found out your spouse only signed on for "the better".

[urunobili]

I think you should cheat her once to realize how wonderful she is... marriage could be a waste of time unless you fully commit to it... best way to see if you're in it for good or not is to follow your instincts... only then you'll realize yet again and with renewed strength why u got married

[romad_20]

If I ever have those thoughts, I just think about how she is literally my best friend. There is no dude who is a better friend to me than my wife and no other woman could take her place. If you two have a deep understanding of each other don't give that up, but if you're not totally honest and you don't feel like she's your best friend then maybe you are wasting both of your time.

My wife makes every situation ok just by being by my side, no matter what. I'm one of the lucky ones, because honestly, I have no complaints besides petty shit that's not really important. I would take Kori's and SFIE advice.

[romad_20]

I think you should cheat her once to realize how wonderful she is... marriage could be a waste of time unless you fully commit to it... best way to see if you're in it for good or not is to follow your instincts... only then you'll realize yet again and with renewed strength why u got married


:lol No offense, but I think that's horrible advice, especially if you have a conscience. Keeping a secret from the one person you're suppose to be totally and utterly honest with is a good way to fuck your head up. If you could do it, what makes you think she wouldn't and then down that road you go....

[I Love Me Some Me]

There was a time when I felt this way with my wife, and there are times now when I feel that way.


But, when you're going to be married forever, what's a couple of months of bad times?

[Triumph]

why would you want to put yourself and another poor woman through all that shit all over again just to end up in the same place?

[jack sommerset]

Sounds like you should not have gotten married. Thats ur bad. You should have done some research before you stepped off the cliff. If no kids are involved leave her ass now. If kids are involved suck it up buddy and don't be a dick about it.

[Ballcox]

I think what you're experiencing is very common, 10 plus years and 3 kids into my marriage and I'll have moments where I think 'What if...'

Problem is, I'm not the same person I was before marrying my wife. The single lifestyle I used to live would not be the same, and I just can't even envision a life where I'm not a husband and a dad.

Take a hard look at your relationship, if you're having doubts then chances are so is she. Take the time to talk about it and come up with some ideas that can lead to both of you being interested and invested in your marriage. Because, to me, when a marriage is going well it has the ability to provide a quality of life like nothing else I've ever experienced. BUT, when a marriage is going bad it can cause you to question everything, make you feel depressed, lose sleep, etc.

Just take the time to be honest with yourself and your wife, and really try to include her in the thought process/decision making. Just my 2 cents.

[johnsmith]

Sound advice from all (especially since I had forgotten that I started this thread).

I went out with a buddy of mine who recently divorced. This guy has been having the time of his life since the divorce and I think that has been part of my problem.

We ended up going to the bars and then drinking beers and I passed out on his couch. I woke up the next morning, went home, and thought maybe married life isn't so bad.

Carry on folks, nothing to see here. JohnSmith feels better. Thanks for the advice though, it was much appreciated..........especially Yoda's.

[PakiDan]

I've been married for just a hair over two years. It's been good (not great), but lately all I can think about is "man I could have fun if I was single", and this thought process has probably led to many arguments and frankly, has invaded my mind of late.

i love my wife very much, but I loved goofing off and being single almost as much (ok, just as much).



So my question is this, does everyone go through this? Am I normal in regards to marriage and just be patient or should I nip this shit in the bud?

I know this sounds sort of fucked up, but I need some advice. If anyone is good at this shit, please respond or PM me.

Good day to you all,
JohnSmith

Dude,

I went through the EXACT same thing. Then I got divorced. I've been single for just over five years and I WISH I was MARRIED. This is a tough one.

[RandomGuy]

I've been married for just a hair over two years. It's been good (not great), but lately all I can think about is "man I could have fun if I was single", and this thought process has probably led to many arguments and frankly, has invaded my mind of late.

i love my wife very much, but I loved goofing off and being single almost as much (ok, just as much).



So my question is this, does everyone go through this? Am I normal in regards to marriage and just be patient or should I nip this shit in the bud?

I know this sounds sort of fucked up, but I need some advice. If anyone is good at this shit, please respond or PM me.

Good day to you all,
JohnSmith

From a guy who is in his 14th year of marriage:

There will always be that whisper in the back of your head. It never goes away, because men are simply hardwired that way.

That said, there is always the choice to do something about it, and that is fully within your control.

Either:

1) Your wife is a sensible, decent person and is worth fully committing to for the long haul.

2) Your wife is not those things.

Eventually, someday, somewhere, even if you were single, you WILL eventually want to settle down.

The question you have to ask yourself in whether to stay married is that have you gotten lucky for the long-term?

The supply of women who make for good short-term sexual partners is MUCH, MUCH greater than the supply of women who make for good long term life partners. The same goes for the other way as well, ladies, just to be fair. If you give up a good long term partner, you take the chance that you may never find another.

If your wife is a long-term keeper, why give that up for some short-term gains of being single again?

It sounds to me like you love her enough to be convinced that she is a long-term keeper, so your choice is rather obvious, i.e. to simply stay married and monogomous.

I have not mentioned the other alternatives that offer a "middle road", such as swinging or polyamory, as that is something that may or may not appeal to everyone for a variety of reasons. Since this is not something that my wife and I do or consider a possibility, I can't really offer much advice that way. I can say that it seems to be a difficult thing to do, with a lot of complicating factors. Do your research, and know what you are getting into on all levels if you go that route.

[BacktoBasics]

Yoda pretty much owned this thread.

[ploto]

I went out with a buddy of mine who recently divorced. This guy has been having the time of his life since the divorce and I think that has been part of my problem.

There is a good chance that he is simply telling you he is having the time of his life. Worst thing a married person can do is take the advise of someone who is recently divorced and tells them how great it is.

[RandomGuy]

Problem is, I'm not the same person I was before marrying my wife. The single lifestyle I used to live would not be the same, and I just can't even envision a life where I'm not a husband and a dad.

I agree. That is exactly how I feel.

I have grown a lot and have assumed the awesome and weighty responsibility of being a dad. That is freaking awesome on so many levels, from the weighty to the sublime.

The other day I got to introduce my two boys, 5 and 2 yrs, to a whoopie cushion, a form of humor so basic that even the 2 year old seemed to get it. :lmao

That right there I would not trade for anything.

[RandomGuy]

Yoda pretty much owned this thread.

Yup. :lol

[mrsmaalox]

It's possible your wife maybe feeling the same way; there is the belief that women are happy/satisfied just as long they are married. That is so not true, women have a lot of the same feelings in a marriage that men do. Make a conscious effort to focus totally on your wife and your relationship for a while; could be a win-win situation for you both.

[tlongII]

I would just recommend that you make a decision before having any kids. Once you have kids it will be a whole different ball game. Personally, I'm a life-long bachelor. It certainly has its drawbacks, but I think it's right for me. Limiting myself to one woman would be so unfair to countless others!

[I. Hustle]

I would just recommend that you make a decision before having any kids. Once you have kids it will be a whole different ball game. Personally, I'm a life-long bachelor. It certainly has its drawbacks, but I think it's right for me. Limiting myself to one woman would be so unfair to countless others!

Internet p0rn isn't the same as being in a relationship.

[tonylongoriafan]

man...fuck being single!

sure it's fun on the surface...vacations, alcohol, weekend trips, sporting events galore, random hoes, etc., etc., etc.

but in the end i'm just looking to fill the void and most nights either end up going or waking up to an empty house or bed..wtf?

[tlongII]

I guess I'm just superficial...

[Blake]

it's like anything else and it's time for a bad analogy:

the guy with apple pie looks at the guy going home with the cherry pie and gets jealous and goes after it. Then when he gets the cherry pie, he remembers how he misses apple pie and all the good times he had when he was just an apple pie guy.

we're all a bunch of stupid humans that want everything without giving up anything.