Move over Billy Mays

[Thunder Dan]

this is the new king of infomercials. First Shamwow! not Slap Chop

rUbWjIKxrrs

You're going to love my nuts!

[AlamoSpursFan]

Are you watching Fox News channel, Dan?

That spot was just on.

"You're gonna love my nuts!"

:lol

[Thunder Dan]

Are you watching Fox News channel, Dan?

That spot was just on.

"You're gonna love my nuts!"

:lol

you better believe I am. I was laughing out loud when I saw that so I had to post it.

[tp2021]

He used to be a Scientologist, and now he fights them. I posted this in the other thread.



Buy ShamWows! Now!
January 19th, 2009 by Elyse


I’d like to talk to you about a man whom I’ve dubbed “Headset Vince”. He’s the guy from the ShamWow commercials. He wears a headset for reasons no one other than Vince can understand… maybe he’s expecting a phone call? From his agent offering him a better gig? Maybe his mom is calling to tell him that Stella from Bingo saw him on the teevee? I don’t know. What I do know is that this guy is someone who I, until now, felt the need to mock at any and every conceivable opportunity.

Turns out, Headset Vince is actually one of the good guys, a hero. We need to stop mocking him and start celebrating him. And we need to buy his towels and nut choppers and his DVDs.

Headset Vince is actually a guy named Vince Offer. It sounds like he should be a cartoon bear-dog hybrid drawn onto the corners of coupons you get in the mail, but he is not a cartoon. In real life, Vince was an aspiring filmmaker - not a very good one, but his lack of filmwriting, directing, and acting skills were not about to hold him back from a career making talkies for the big screen. And yet, you notice I’m using the past tense. He was an aspiring filmmaker… but now he wears a headset in TV commercials and makes you feel like a dick for not already owning German-made spongetowels. So what happened?

The Church of Scientology happened.

Vince is the writer/producer/director/star of the film Underground Comedy Movie. When he began making the movie, he was a relatively new convert to the Scientology. He used his connections within the CoS’s “Celebrity Center International”, a group within the church for artist networking, to cast his film. He managed to muscle up some big A-list names like Slash from Guns n Roses, Ant, a couple of budding soft-core porn stars and Joey Buttafucco. (Being new, I guess he didn’t have access to the Xenu VIP Casting Suite where Travolta and Cruise hang out.)

The movie was intended to be hilarious and offensive. Unfortunately for Vince, the CoS (along with pretty much everyone who’s ever logged on to RottenTomatoes.com) only found it to be the latter. The CoS was so embarrassed that one of their members made a movie so offensive (and awful), they went all 8th-grade popular girl on his ass - shaming, embarrassing and shunning him out of the cool clique of Scientology.

In a normal church your pastor or minister might pull you aside and say, “I think we need to talk about the content of your film. I’m a little concerned it’s not in line with the teachings of our faith. I fear you’re violating [our religion]ism’s doctrine with some of the language and imagery in your film.” And you may decide to chat about it or you may decide to spit in your pastor’s face and head downstairs for pancakes. Either way, the church is expected to act with some amount of grown-up non-dickery.

In the Church of Scientology, the MO is passive-aggression, threats and coersion. Instead of taking the time to talk to Vince, and telling him that perhaps he needs to make a decision between the church and his terrible movie, they chose to push him out by turning the CoS community against him.

Vince says CoS officials stole clips from unedited film footage, added their own sass and passed it around the community as the first act in an elaborate smear campaign against him. They then coerced statements from other members of the church, threatening to “fair game” anyone who refused, declaring them them to be SPs (Suppressive Person, an apostate and enemy of the CoS) for not cooperating.

Statements and evidence were “collected” and the CoS charged Vince with 23 crimes against Scientology, and he was forced to stand trial in Scientology Court. Which is kind of like Night Court, but without the hilarious bailiff, sexual innuendo, and the ability to walk away without fearing for your life… oh yeah, and at least one of the judges is still in junior high. Vince was found guilty on all charges without being able to mount a defense, mostly because he was never told what the charges were.

After being found guilty, Vince was considered a criminal. He was still “welcome” to be a member of the church - in the same way that you’re still “welcome” to have cake at your best friend’s wedding after you just mentioned in your drunken toast that you nailed the bride the night before they got engaged.

Unfortunately for Vince, as is the case with cults, by this time he had left behind his entire life for Scientology. Everyone in his life was a part of the Church. He was still in the process of making his movie, and he was funding it through a business he started - a business that relied on his Scientology connections. He had dozens of sales reps working for him, all of them Scientologists. His clients - Scientologists. His friends were Scientologists. He had nothing left.

He appealed his conviction, and CoS overturned it. They admitted that the entire case against him was nothing more than a smear campaign and that it was unfair he was never informed of the charges against him. But it was too late. The damage was done, and while the conviction was overturned, he never received an apology or reparations. In other words, they said, “Oh that conviction shouldn’t have happened. We totally lied about everything, used fake evidence against you and generally ran the proceedings in a manner that was the complete opposite of ethical. But we didn’t do anything wrong. We’re not sorry. And it’s not up to us to make amends to you. Quit crying and go take some vitamins or something.”

Vince’s business was still bust. His friends were still gone. His network was destroyed. He was still an outcast in his Church (though I have a feeling he wasn’t interetested in returning at this point). He was on his own and completely broke. He finally f0und a job, not a great one, but a job nonetheless. He started selling vegetable choppers.

Turns out, he’s really good at selling vegetable choppers. He got promoted and started selling them at flea markets. He grew a sales team underneath him, and he eventually made enough money to finish his movie and put together an infomercial for it, released it on basic cable and DVD, selling over 100,000 copies.

And his unique sales style landed him Billy Mays’ job.

The next Deniro he’s not, but he’s certainly managed to turn things around for himself. If only other cult refugees could do as well.

But Vince isn’t just accepting that this is what the universe had planned for him. He’s not just moving on and leaving the whole CoS ugliness behind him. He’s fighting them. In fact, fighting the Church of Scientology is his new life’s mission.

He filed suit against them in 2004 for ruining his movie, his life, his business, and being dickholes. I couldn’t find any information on the outcome of this lawsuit, but according to ESPN, Vince is still fighting the good fight. And he is using every dime he makes from selling ShamWows and SlapChop as well as all the proceeds from Underground Comedy to fight them.

Taking on Scientology is one of the bravest things a former member can do. The Church doesn’t take kindly to dissent. Though they claim that fair game is no longer a Scientologist policy, there are plenty of stories to indicate that fair game is still alive and well, if technically “unofficial”.

My guess is that this probably is the last we’ll ever hear of Headset Vince’s fight against Scientology. But if I can drop $20 on towels that could save me and my shag carpet in the event of a Fresca tsunami, and at the same time help fund one guy’s shot at taking down the bad guys, it’s worth it.

So go, right now, and buy your ShamWows. Get your SlapChop. Buy what is arguably the worst movie ever made. Do it for the good guys. Do it for the little guys. Do it for skepticism. Do it for Vince.

http://skepchick.org/blog/?p=5490

[PM5K]

I hadn't read what you posted so I laughed my ass off when he said, you're gonna love my nuts....

Is Vince Offer related to Rock Music?

[Billy Mays]

I could whup his ass with his one hand and slap-chop with the other.

[Bigzax]

the Graty...fuck yah!

[Thunder Dan]

I want to meet the family that goes out for ice cream and brings their own toppings so they can save a dollar. If my mom did that when I was a kid when we went out for ice cream after little league, I would have gotten my ass kicked

[Headset Vince]

Hi it's Vince with Slap Chop. You're gonna be in a great mood all day cause you're gonna be slappin your troubles away with the slap chop. Now look here's a potato, one slap you got big chunks for stew, two slaps, home fries in a second. Now look at this, you add a mushroom, the more you do it, the finer it gets, you don't have to switch any blades! Now, you love salad, you hate making it. You know you hate makin salads, thats why you don't have any salad in your diet. Watch this, one slap, Salad! I love pizza too but once in a while get the veggies in, at least throw it on top of the pizza. You're gonna change your eating habits. Soup, cole slaw stuff, and watch, 5 seconds, 4, 5 seconds, it's done! This thing, this tuna looks booooring. Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life. Add this tuna, put it here like this, now you gonna have a nice, tuna salad. Look at this, you're gonna have an exciting life now. Look, here's a hard boiled egg, one chop, you add the pickle, you add the green onion, and what you can do you can mix things together, you add the ham and you're gonna love this. You don't have time to make breakfast. Breakfast to go. You're gonna love my nuts. Watch this. Almonds, walnuts. Comes with a cover, so you can do everything in the cover, alright, or you can do it on the board, whatever you like. It's so easy, one finger, if I can do it with one finger you guys can do it with your whole hand. Kids can do it. You know what they charge at the ice cream stores? A dollar for toppings at the ice cream stores. Add a couple cookies if you want, you can make it for 10 cents. Stop throwing your money away. You know, not only nuts, but what about fruit. Put a mango, look at that, isn't that beautiful on your ice cream. The reason you're gonna slap away every day is cause it's so easy to clean. One, two, and pops open like that like a butterfly to clean. Now these others ones that you seen in the stores, bacteria gets in the food. All the stores have this. You can't clean it. You can't open this up. It's worthless! Fuhgettaboutit! Now take the slap chop, put it back together and you get the garlic. Alright here's the garlic, with the skin, here you go, deskins the garlic, you're gonna eat more garlic. The onions with the skin. Alright, this is makin you cry you're makin me cry. Life is hard enough as it is you don't wanna cry anymore. Put the slap chop right there, the skins at the bottom, look at this. You wanna a little bit of onions, you don't wanna drag out the food processor? The skin comes right off! You see that? Alright now put a tomato in there, add your cilantro, your hot peppers right there, you can hit it like this. Guys, we're gonna make America skinny again, one slap at a time!

[Mr.Bottomtooth]

Billy Mays vs. Headset Vince would be a truly epic battle.

[Summers]

"We can't do this all day!" :lol He's way less annoying than Billy Mays.

[PixelPusher]

LOL at the sparkle effects

[pawe]

He's a good shooter! Can the Spurs go after this guy?
*Why cant he just use the mic that clips on the shirt? Is he starting a trend with the pilotmic thing?

[ClingingMars]

Good to see somebody making it who survived what is one of the most dangerous cults in the world.

www.xenu.net

-Mars

[cool hand]

you know, we can't do this all day.

[Frenzy]

he rocks

[IceColdBrewski]

I've had one of these food choppers in my cupboard for years. It's not a "slap chop", but it's the exact same thing he's selling. I think my wife bought it at one of those pampered chef parties or something.

Same deal with the sham wow. I remember my dad using a chamois when I was 11 years old to dry the car after washing it. Somehow this guy manages to make a fortune selling shit that has been around for ages.

[ComfortablyNumb]

I think he looks like Beavis.

[Spurminator]

I've had one of these food choppers in my cupboard for years. It's not a "slap chop", but it's the exact same thing he's selling. I think my wife bought it at one of those pampered chef parties or something.

Same deal with the sham wow. I remember my dad using a chamois when I was 11 years old to dry the car after washing it. Somehow this guy manages to make a fortune selling shit that has been around for ages.


Beware of Imitators!

[tp2021]

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/shamwow

[Billy Mays]

GPLrm3Omkjg

[Frenzy]

oh the research... you must be proud

[GINNNNNNNNNNNNOBILI]

-A9fmnAsgdg

[ComfortablyNumb]

I saw the shamwow at Costco's yesterday. Funny thing is that they were going to be pulling the pallet out after 2pm because they couldn't do it all day.

[Taco]

If you can say "your gonna love my nut's!" with out cracking up, you got my vote :lol

[Taco]

GPLrm3Omkjg


Can we get vBookie on Billy Mays vs The Shamwow guy. :lol

[peewee's lovechild]

GPLrm3Omkjg

:lmao:lmao:lmao

[angel_luv]

:lol

I know a guy ( an aquaintance of mine and a friend of Bo's) who I have nick named Shamwow- because he has the over the top personality of the guy in the Shamwow commercials.

[Spurminator]

http://music.todaysbigthing.com/2009/04/29

[Taco]

http://music.todaysbigthing.com/2009/04/29

LOL @ Shabba-Doo!! :lol:downspin::lol

[CuckingFunt]

http://music.todaysbigthing.com/2009/04/29

I don't typically like the remix thing, but that was pretty damned awesome.

[Borosai]

Nice.