Is it a normal reaction after a death?

[sonic21]

My Granmother was diagnosed with alzheimers in 2001, but it didn't really start seriously and noticably affecting her until 2003/04. She wasn't saying much, she basically didn't remember anybody and if you looked into her eyes, it was just a blank stare.

So today, I got a call saying that she had passed, but oddly I didn't feel sad. After multiple years of being scared of her passing and imagining what my reaction might be, it was nothing like that. In fact, it almost feels like a sense of relief. She was living in India since 1995, before that she was living with me in France so we were really close.

It's odd because i don't feel sad at all, I still haven't even shed a tear, I guess it could be that even though she was alive, I had to say goodbye to her in a sense 3-4 years ago. Or maybe I just haven't reached that stage in the grieving process.

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

It's not unusual at all. Your story sounds like many from people I know who lost a loved one to a terminal illness, particularly something like Alzheimers.

[JudynTX]

It just hasn't hit you yet. 6 months later and I still feel like I lost my mother yesterday.

[I Love Me Some Me]

In your heart, you "lost" your grandmother years ago. The physical part of her that died recently will be missed, but not nearly as much as the true part of her that left a long time ago.

Either way, my condolences to you and your family.

[mrsmaalox]

My sincerest condolences. This might be a little too clinical at this point, but here's some good info. I've studied Dr. Kubler Ross extensively and I think she makes quite clear what is "normal grief". It could be that you have already worked your way through to acceptance.

Kübler-Ross model
From Wikipedia

The Kübler-Ross model first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying", describes, in five discrete stages, a process by which people allegedly deal with grief and tragedy, especially when diagnosed with a terminal illness or catastrophic loss. The stages are known as the Five Stages of Grief.
The stages are:

Denial:
Example - "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me!,
Anger:
Example - "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me!"; "Who is to blame?"
Bargaining:
Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
Depression:
Example - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
Acceptance:
Example - "It's going to be okay."; "I can handle it with change"; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."

Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness, and later to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This also includes the death of a loved one, divorce, communicating audit findings, drug addiction, infertility, or even a tough loss by your favorite sports team. Kübler-Ross also claimed these steps do not necessarily come in the order noted above, nor are all steps experienced by all patients, though she stated a person will always experience at least two. Often, people will experience several stages in a "roller coaster" effect - switching between two or more stages, returning to one or more several time before working through it. Significantly, people experiencing the stages should not force the process. Don't rely on others saying "you should be over this by now"; "you're taking too long", or, "you haven't waited long enough". The grief process is highly personal and should not be rushed, nor lengthened, on the basis of another's imposed timeframe or opinion. One should merely be aware that the stages will be worked through and the ultimate stage of "Acceptance" will be reached. Those that perceive a problem working through the stages should consider professional grief counceling or support groups.

Meanwhile other people, less connected to a given situation, have noticed that any significant personal change can elicit these stages. For example, experienced criminal defense attorneys are aware that defendants who are facing stiff sentences, yet have no defenses or mitigating factors to lessen their sentences, often experience the stages. Accordingly, they must get to the acceptance stage before they are prepared to plead guilty.

Additionally, the change in circumstances does not always have to be a negative one, just significant enough to cause a grief response to the loss (Scire, 2007). Accepting a new work position, for example, causes one to lose their routine, workplace friendships, familiar drive to work, or even customary lunch sources.

The most common factor is when the person doesn't have the capacity to change their situation, at least not without considerable loss to themselves, thus a person who would go through these stages would not need to continue if they found a way out of the situation: e.g., If a person losing their house was at the bargaining stage but then somehow found a way out of the situation, then they'd have no reason to become depressed. So the 'stages of grief' could be linked to a lack of control or ability, e.g., people who have lost limbs, people on the bad end of an ultimatum, people under threat, and so on.

[Bartleby]

It will probably hit you all at once at the funeral.

[JudynTX]

Sonic, you have my condolences.

[SpursStalker]

I'm sorry to hear of your loss and hope that you and your family will be at peace soon.

[sonic21]

thanks you all.
i don't really know if i already grieved or if it will hit me at the funeral.
I guess i feel uneasy because my sisters and my parents are all really sad, so i thought maybe my reaction was not normal.

and thanks mrsmaalox for posting this article

[Marcus Bryant]

It's normal. You had already accepted that it was going to happen sooner rather than later.

[Frenzy]

I guess it could be that even though she was alive, I had to say goodbye to her in a sense 3-4 years ago.


pretty much it bud

[ploto]

You quite possibly already went through all the stages of grief a couple of years ago when you lost her in a sense to Alzheimer's. You may already be at the acceptance stage, but your family members did not allow themselves that process back then and are just now saying their good-byes.

So sorry for your loss and that of your family.

[jman3000]

Yeah... once you either see the actual body or start thinking about things ya'll did in the past it'll hit you pretty hard.