Official Bill Simmons Imitation Hyperbole Thread

[RonMexico]

Because the Suns have decided to stop playing anything that resembles professional basketball, I'm going to try to have a little fun with the forum through some themed threads. Please feel free to use this thread to describe your own take on an aspect of the NBA (your favorite team/player/developing story), but as if you're Bill Simmons and, therefore, the greatest "everyman" writer that has ever lived!!!!!

For example, you could write something like, "watching Dirk just nail killer jumpers against the Suns last night reminded me of a game back in 1985 that Bird had against the Blazers. He was like a cross between Hasselhoff and CT from 'The Real World.' I called my Dad to discuss it, but he was already asleep... I just love living on the West Coast."

I don't have much to do now that I'm under house arrest.

[dirk4mvp]

Is it true that RonMexico is back in full force?

[RonMexico]

Yeah. I'm back, baby.

[timvp]

The Sports Guy Goes to an Auction

So I'm sitting there the other day watching ESPN2 and I see that Alex Rodriguez had a great game. There is nobody, with the possible exception of Jimy Williams, that I dislike more than Alex Rodriguez. In the pantheon of people that 'Make the Sports Guy Lose Wood,' these two are a Jordan-esque.

The phone rings. It's my friend Bish. Kobe in Colorado! Bish is always willing to discuss our mutual distaste for Alex Rodriguez. Don't get me wrong--we respect his abilities. But he's the George Lopez of sports. Totally annoying, yet on TV all the time. Bish mentions that it would be nice if Alex Rodriguez caught a case of vaginitis at the beginning of September, paving the way for the Red Sox to the playoffs like Darryl Johnston juiced on the blood of Larry Bird's aborted half twin.

Bish points out that the chances that Alex Rodriguez will come down with vaginitis in September are minimal, but that if we expanded the possibilities, there would be a greater chance for debilitating success. As usual, Bish is a crazy genius.

Here is what we came up with:

4. Alex Rodriguez receives a vicious body slam from JD Drew in front of 40,000 fans jammed into Fenway Park.

(On a side note, has there ever been a greater moment in sports than when when that Hart brother fell to the floor and died? I don't even care if it was fake, that was Bird-like. That rivals when when Rudy ran out on the field for the first time. for 'Most Inspiration Non-Real Sports Moment 2006.)

3. Alex Rodriguez is informed by his ex-wife that their child was not fathered by him but rather by either Paul Pierce or David Ortiz.

2. Alex Rodriguez hangs scrapbook-style clippings of Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire and is immediately put on the DL.

1. Alex Rodriguez meets Puck from the Real World, falls in love, and leaves team to begin filming 'My Fair Yankee.'

After we finish with the conversation about Alex Rodriguez we turn ourselves to the real topic of conversation, the upcoming draft of the Pam Oliver is Sexy Memorial Baseball Association, a new fantasy league that Bish and I will be joining this year.

Ordinarily, I'm never an advocate of partnering up to own a fantasy baseball team. That's like getting picked up by Eva Longoria and going back to her place, only to find out that Shawn Kemp is already there. If the best you get is to share, sometimes it's not worth it at all, right?

However, this league only had one slot open, so Bish and I agreed to partner up, in the hope that one of us could switch over and manage the next vacancy. After much debate, and eliminating the excellent possibilities of 'Naked monopoly with Havlicek's man juic' and 'Oliver Miller's diet plan' as potential team names, we settle on 'McHale's third testicle.'

The thing that's exciting about this league is that it's an auction format league, which is totally different than a draft league. I mean, it seems as though it would be the same as a draft league, but it's not. It's like the difference between NHL 93 and NHL 94-you take out fighting and add one-timers, you've got a whole different game, even if they are both hockey. Any good sports fan knows that the Lakers have a losing record in the Finals but not everyone knows how to do an auction.

Pre-Auction preparation is important. First, it is important to choose a date when the auction will take place. This is easy. Choose the date when the whipped guy does not have to watch the kids, and that's your date. Finding the whipped-guy-can-make-it date is crucial for auction success. (speaking of which, what is with all these girlfriends who think that 'fantasy draft' is code for 'I'm going to have my buddies over to watch Rush perform songs by Devean George while I feeling on her breasticles? Though that would be cool.)

Next, and more difficult, is the auction location selection. Many times people will choose to have their auction in a strip club. This is a bad idea. Nothing good can come of this; at the end of the day every person in the room is going to be distracted and have an extremely sore roster after four hours.

No, the auction must be held in someone's house-biggest furnished basement wins. The coolness of the wife/significant other can be a deciding factor if two people have similar options-say, if owner A has a Guitar Hero arcade game, but owner B has a case of Lone Star. Nothing will kill a fun evening faster than the host's wife emasculating him with a 'no sex for a month.' We have selected next Tuesday night, at 8 pm, at a guy's house where his wife will be in self-cuddling, and therefore unable to disrupt the festivities.

I will not be sharing with you my player ratings for this coming season-after all, Phil Ivey doesn't play poker with the hand face up-but I will give you some insight into my auction strategy. The thing is, an auction has so much more of an influence on your season than a draft does. In an auction, every player in the league is at your disposal. Everyone starts out equal. It's the Obama Utopian land of fantasy sports.

It's also like a hitting it when high on coke. It requires endurance, it requires stamina, it requires concentration and planning. Without further ado, here is my 'Sports Guy Auction Strategy Guide':

Round One-keep your gloves up

Once the auction starts, timing and strategy are much more important than they are in a traditional draft. The first hour or so of the auction has to be spent feeling out your opponents. Are they particularly loyal to the Royals? Do they have a tendency toward black players? You are looking for weaknesses that you can exploit later on. Store these away like your childhood dreams.

Here is a good place to test people by chucking out a few names of guys you-d never want on your team-aging, oft-injured players, like Mike Hampton, or over-hyped rookies that will never pan out like Josh Hamilton.

Everyone is going to get some good players at this point, so make sure you don-t overpay and find yourself begging for money like Turtle asking for Vinny Chase's AMEX Black.

Round Two-Have a Sense of political correctness

In round two, there will be one moment that defines your draft. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden you'll get involved in a bidding war on a player. It's not unlike a big pot in a no-limit hold-em tournament-you'll have your KG-Tim Duncan in NBA moment, and you need to decide what to do.

Oftentimes, this will come down to a single dollar, here or there-if you bid $100 picks for David Ortiz, you know you'll get him, but you're facing a bid with the clock ticking. Are you going to be a hero, carried off the field like Joe Carter? Or are you Dave Campo, skulking off the field into the jeering history of your team's fans, with only your family still willing to speak with you. Now is your moment. Set the tone.

Round Three-Moving Day

Hour three of the draft is moving day, like the third day of the Masters. You need to shoot a 69. This is where you'll fill out a lot of the players that, while less sexy, make up the core of your team. Do not discount the importance of moving day. If you wait until the next phase to build the core of your team, you'll find yourself as lonely as Eva Longoria in a Mormon Jazz fans meeting.

Moving day is the time to make things happen for your team. This is where you are going to define the season that you have. If you end up moving day by taking an accurate mix of future stars, injury-risk players, and Dustin Pedroia, you'll be okay.

Round Four-The Game of Trivial Pursuit

By the end of the fantasy auction, the endeavor has become Yao-like. The only thing it can be compared to is a game of Trivial Pursuit, played among friends. Something that, at the beginning of the endeavor, seemed like such fun, but by the end of it, is just a group of people banging their heads against the wall, adamantly trying to finish what they started, the joy of competing against your friends replaced with a desire to prove that you are the King of All Trivia and that is that.

In this phase of the auction, you must be careful. This is the 'say hello to my little friends' moment of the draft. People will be exploding like chodes, screaming incomprehensible things like Kobe is a good teammate and threatening to rape if they do not get their way.

Just bite your lip, set your jaw, and try and endure. It's a long season coming forward.

'Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!'

[Bill Simmons]

Because the Suns have decided to stop playing anything that resembles professional basketball, I'm going to try to have a little fun with the forum through some themed threads. Please feel free to use this thread to describe your own take on an aspect of the NBA (your favorite team/player/developing story), but as if you're Bill Simmons and, therefore, the greatest "everyman" writer that has ever lived!!!!!

For example, you could write something like, "watching Dirk just nail killer jumpers against the Suns last night reminded me of a game back in 1985 that Bird had against the Blazers. He was like a cross between Hasselhoff and CT from 'The Real World.' I called my Dad to discuss it, but he was already asleep... I just love living on the West Coast."

I don't have much to do now that I'm under house arrest.
Yup, these are my readers.

[LnGrrrR]

:lmaoTimvp, you have too much time on your hands