Just Jokes

[JudynTX]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, suddenly she farted.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool, and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day Madam, how may we help you?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He replies, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.

:lol:lol:lol

[mexicanjunior]

Not bad...

[1369]

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is plastic, white and dangeruos to children.

The other is a grocery bag.

[SpursStalker]

What kind of fish goes with peanut butter?

*bada bing*

A jelly fish

:D

[TwAnKiEs]

An Irishman walks out of a bar....














































It can happen! :lmao

[Summers]

what'sthesecrettotellingagoodjoketiming.

[Dex]

Two muffins were sitting in an oven.

One muffin looked over to the other muffin and said, "Man, it sure is hot in here, huh?"

The other muffin looked back and replied,


"HOLY SHIT, A TALKING MUFFIN!" :wow

[Dex]

Why was six afraid of seven?








Because seven ate nine.

[AlamoSpursFan]

Q: Why does Michael Jackson like 28-year olds?













A: Because there's twenty of them.



Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?











A: Let's go ride bikes!

[SpursStalker]

Why was six afraid of seven?








Because seven ate nine.

:lol

[Frenzy]

lot of Mj jokes... ok.

what does mJ and discount stores have in common? little boys underwear are always half off.


__________________

you can set his up to be anyone race/country or whatever..



(dated army scene)
2 guys on a 50cal they sitting waiting for some one to shot.

guy says... oh man it's a german plan shoot shoot shoot!

*plane goes down

guy says oh man another one... it's a jap plan!.... shoot shoot shoot!

*plan goes down

guy says...another one...it's a mexican plane! shoot!

other guy says nah... save your bullets it's fall on it's own.


____________________________________

horse walks into the bar and the bartender says why the long face?

haha ok that's mad old.

[fraga]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy?. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then?. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

'Shoite, Shoite !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

[Taco]

Chinese Sick day
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come
work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt.
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I
really need you today. When I feel sick like you do,
I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You
try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what
you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon.........You got nice house'

[Drachen]

Heard this one on 97.7

You are riding a zebra thats running next to a giraffe and you notice a tiger chasing you. What do you do???



























Get your drunk ass off the carousel

[angel_luv]

I posted this before in the quattro I think. I heard it from the judge who was preciding when I had jury duty:

Kobe Bryant died and went to Heaven.
( That was not the punchline. Don't laugh yet. :lol )

So, Kobe was let in the gates of Heaven and was immediately greeted by God, who escorted Kobe to Kobe's mansion.
God and Kobe arrived at Kobe's heavenly home which was spacious one story with a great yard and an excellent view.

God told Kobe, " You should feel honored. Not many people get a view like this."

Kobe proceeded to look out the window of his mansion and immediately noticed the mansion next door.

The neighboring house was three stories tall and triple the size of Kobe's place. On the outside of the mansion was a fifty foot flag pole with a Spurs flag hanging from it. Every window of the sprawling mansion was fully decorated with Spurs memorabilia.

Kobe turns to God and says, " That's not fair, God! Why does Tim Duncan get a bigger house than me???"

God to Kobe: " That's not Tim Duncan's house. That's MY house."

[The Reckoning]

why do graveyards have fences surrounding them?




because people are dying to get in!

[The Reckoning]

what do you call a gay man on roller skates?




rolaids!

[macdude06]

Why does Michael Jackson never come in first??





He likes to COME IN A LIL BEHIND!

[TwAnKiEs]

What do you call a blond standing on her head?
























A brunette with bad breath! :wow

[Summers]

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Let's go ride bikes!

:lol This is my kid!

[desflood]

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.

'Actually, yes, I do.'

'Does it hurt you?' he asked.

'No. I rather like it.'

'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from?

[JudynTX]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through.

So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.

Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 1P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds,

Do the laundry, vacuum,

Dust,

And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.

Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,

He cleaned the kitchen,

Ran the dishwasher,

Folded laundry,

Bathed the kids,

And put them to bed.

At 9 P.M .

He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back..

Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

'My son, I f eel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.'


:lmao

[JudynTX]

Great thread!

At least it's not a stupid poll about Full House.

Next!

[tp2021]

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of
the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item
from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you
CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.
She continues to the next floor.

The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.
She continues again.

The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.