Tracy McGrady caught masturbating after his 41-point performance

[Flo-Rida]

Probably fake but still funny :lol:lol

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/houston_rockets_catch_tracy

Houston Rockets Catch Tracy McGrady Masturbating To Tape Of His 41-Point Performance


HOUSTON—Rockets players held a team press conference Tuesday to express their shock, confusion, and disgust at discovering shooting guard Tracy McGrady masturbating vigorously in the darkness of the team's tape room while viewing recordings of his recent stellar 41-point performance. "We were walking down the hallway like usual and heard a bunch of moaning and shouting coming the tape room, so we opened up the door and there was T-Mac with his warm-ups around his ankles, churning himself with both hands," said small forward Shane Battier. "He just kept grunting 'Put it through the rim. Again. Give it the soft touch. Oh, Tracy, you're so good. Don't tell me you're going to take it to the hole again. I'm not ready for that yet.'" Rookie Carl Landry, who has played an important role as a reserve, said he was happy he had to sit out with a bruised left knee, claiming that there was no chance McGrady could have masturbated to him.

[Chieflion]

The Onion rules.

The Onion twists the truth and makes it funny. That is what they do.

[lurker]

The Onion never posts anything fake. They're the most reliable source for news on the internets.

[Flo-Rida]

The Onion never posts anything fake. They're the most reliable source for news on the internets.

lol check this shit out haha :lol

CHARLOTTE, NC—The Bobcats' locker room exploded with joy and relief Sunday when coach Larry Brown informed the team that they had defied expectations by squeaking into the National Invitational Tournament and would face off against Division 2 powerhouse West Virginia in the first round. "I knew we wouldn't be going to the Big Dance, but there's no shame in going to the NIT," Bobcats standout Raja Bell said. "We know we're considered the third-best team in North Carolina, but that just gives us more motivation. If we play well, and carry that into next season, the 2010 NCAA tournament isn't out of the question." As of press time, the Bobcats were trailing West Virginia 32-47.

[Chieflion]

SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan once again attempted to simultaneously bond with his teammates and enrich their lives on Tuesday when the two-time NBA MVP forwarded an article about the Large Hadron Collider, the world's largest particle accelerator, to each player on the Spurs. "I hope they found reading about the Large Hadron Collider experiment to recreate the first instants in the birth of our universe as engaging as I did," Duncan said, adding that if his teammates respond positively to the article, he would also send them a related article on quantum chromodynamics recently published in Scientific American. "It will be interesting to find out if they have similar theories about space, matter, and time." In the past three months, Duncan has reportedly forwarded articles on the evolution of the roseola virus, the technology of geothermal energy research, and caring for koi fish in a backyard pond.http://www.theonion.com/content/themes/onion/assets/terminator.gif

Tim Duncan rules.

[Chieflion]

Phil Jackson Yells At Pau Gasol's Ch'i


LOS ANGELES—Lakers head coach Phil Jackson, evidently incensed over new acquisition Pau Gasol's inability to quickly grasp either Jackson's complicated "triangle" offense or the ineffable fashion in which the universe moves through a man as a man moves through the universe, subjected Gasol's ch'i to a 10-minute tirade during practice Monday. "Do you call that an exultant alignment of the third through sixth chakras? Do you? Huh? Because I don't," an irate Jackson said to Gasol's primal life-energy force, his eyes fixed at a point approximately 10 inches over the bemused power forward's head. "Is that how they reverberate in universal harmony in Memphis? Did you learn to exult to the music of the spheres like that in Barcelona? Because it's the most piss-poor reverberation and exultation I've seen in a while, and I coached Luc Longley." Gasol, shaken, was unable to achieve oneness with the Void for the rest of the day.



There is a conflict between Jackson and Gasol. Hooray!!!

[lurker]

I liked when The Onion had the picture of Steve Nash "still bleeding" days after his nose attacked Tony Parker's head.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Steve-Nash_0.jpg

[sribb43]

I liked when The Onion had the picture of Steve Nash "still bleeding" days after his nose attacked Tony Parker's head.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Steve-Nash_0.jpg

:lmao

[baseline bum]

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/tim_duncan_delivers

Tim Duncan Delivers Heartfelt Speech On Fiscal Responsibility During Spurs Victory Celebration

June 21, 2007 | | Onion Sports

SAN ANTONIO—Following a Spurs Sunday victory parade during which Tim Duncan regaled the crowd with uncharacteristically exuberant exclamations of "Thank you very much" and "Please, there's no need to make so much noise," the normally reserved power forward expressed his appreciation for his fans by speaking at length on the importance of being financially prepared in an increasingly uncertain world. "I can't tell you how much I value your support except through telling you it's not really enough to keep a little money in savings for a rainy day, never independently contributing to your 401(k) or considering simple CDs or mutual-funds," a misty-eyed Duncan said, using charts he drew up earlier in the season to demonstrate debt-to- savings ratios to the 12,000 fans who crowded the River Walk. "Your greatest equity will of course be in your home, but even then, careful consideration is required before choosing between fixed- or variable-rate mortgages, especially for the greatest fans in the world." Fans who stayed for the 90-minute speech said it was even better than the emotional plea Duncan made during the Spurs' 2003 championship celebration, in which he urged revelers to make sure they purchased adequate life insurance.

[baseline bum]

This one is still the best :lol

Pro Athlete Lauded For Being Decent Human Being

May 9, 2001 | Issue 37•19
Related Articles

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* Tony Romo Regrets Eating Greasy Fried Chicken During Crucial Field-Goal Attempt 01.11.07

MILWAUKEE–Ray Allen, Milwaukee Bucks guard and budding NBA superstar, is drawing raves on and off the court, hailed by admirers as "not an asshole" and "a reasonably decent human being."

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onion_news786.article.jpg

The recipient of the NBA's inaugural Magic Johnson Ideal Player Award, Allen was praised by Bucks coach George Karl as "a true standout individual, the kind of person who treats others with a basic level of respect."

"Ray Allen is a great player, but he's an even greater person," said Karl, who is accustomed to reporters asking him about Allen's normalcy. "I remember this one time during his rookie season, he was walking back to his car from practice, and a woman nearby slipped on a patch of ice and fell. He could have kept walking, but instead he asked the woman if she was okay. Right then and there, I knew this kid was something special."

Allen, 25, who came to the NBA from the University of Connecticut in 1996, is among the NBA's best at shooting three-pointers, defending the perimeter, and going home quietly after games. A hardworking athlete, Allen has raised eyebrows around the league by never going AWOL or skipping practice.

"I knew when he came into this league that he had the potential to be a standout player," said Sports Illustrated basketball writer Marty Burns. "He had a reputation as a guy who would not only hit the clutch shot down the stretch, but also make eye contact with the towel boy. He has the potential to be a decent human being in this league for another 10 or 15 years if he stays healthy."

"I'll never forget what he said to me before the first interview I did with him," Burns said. "He said, 'Hello, Mr. Burns.' Then he extended his hand for me to, you know, shake. That's just the type of guy he is."

Allen's remarkable normal-human-being behavior carries over into his personal life. Though unmarried, he spends a respectable amount of time with his 8-year old daughter and is rumored to be on good terms with the girl's mother. He is also said to be close with his own mother.

Such decency has not gone unnoticed: Never accused of sexual assault, Allen has earned high praise for his lack of hostility toward women.

"When he was in college, Ray voluntarily went to several UConn women's basketball games and has been quoted as saying that he'd play for a female coach," Bucks public-relations director Cheri Hanson said. "Ray Allen isn't merely in the top 1 percent of NBA players; he's in the 51st percentile of human beings."

In addition to being a media darling, Allen's civility makes him a fan favorite. Though many pro athletes are abusive toward their supporters, Allen has, on numerous occasions, praised a home crowd as "good" or "great." Last week, after a tough home playoff loss to the Charlotte Hornets, he smiled and signed three or four autographs in the Bradley Center parking lot.

"That's unbelievable," said Karl, whom Allen has never threatened physically. "To come off a tough loss like that in the Eastern Conference semifinals and still be willing to interact with people, you just don't see that sort of thing very often."

"Acting reasonably nice, exhibiting basic common decency, having a general awareness of other people's feelings... that's what sets Ray Allen apart from your run-of-the-mill NBA player," said ESPN's Dan Patrick, who called his November 2000 interview with Allen "possibly the most civil" of his career. "Here I am, an interviewer asking him questions, and instead of taking a swing at me or showering me with verbal abuse, he politely responds to my queries. He didn't have to, but he did."

Continued Patrick: "It's nice to know that in this day and age, there are still athletes out there who say 'thank you' when you give them a new car for making the all-star team." http://www.theonion.com/content/themes/onion/assets/terminator.gif

[Chieflion]

Pau Gasol, Tony Parker Share Special Moment During Pick

LOS ANGELES—An otherwise routine set play involving a variation on the classic "pick" strategy transformed into a singularly unforgettable moment Sunday when Lakers center Pau Gasol interposed himself in order to stop the defensive pursuit of Spurs guard Tony Parker with body contact, but in the words of Parker himself "stopped my heart instead." "I came around the key to the baseline like it was any other day, but then there [Pau] was… First our hips met, then our eyes, and I was knocked off my feet—literally and figuratively," Parker told reporters afterward. "Time stopped forever for me at that moment, and I knew then that whatever happened in this crucial best-of-five series, one of the most crucial moments of my life had just happened. That now and forever, for me—for us—there would always be eight seconds left on the shot clock." Gasol refused to comment on the moment, telling reporters that "[Parker and I] will always have [the] Staples Center."


Man, that sounds gay.

[Rogue]

:ttiwwp:

[sribb43]

http://cdn2.sbnation.com/imported_assets/106771/cf_tmac_mr_glass.jpg

[Yuixafun]

^ picture made me laugh. his fro matches the face.

[DeadlyDynasty]

http://cdn2.sbnation.com/imported_assets/106771/cf_tmac_mr_glass.jpg

fucking hilarious:lmao:lmao

"They called me Mr. Glass."