Chief
03-30-2009, 02:45 PM
Saul: Fuck the po-lice!
Ted Jones: Has anyone seen my bigger knife?
Ken: War is upon you! Prepare to suck the cock of karma!
Ken: [about to attack Ted Jones's pot warehouse] Tonight we cook up some shit. Take his stash and burn the motherfucker down.
Ken: No retreat, no surrender!
Budlofsky: [Matheson is smoking weed] No, I can't. My wife can always tell. She can smell it on my sweater.
Matheson: [laughs] You want my vest? It smell good.
Budlofsky: It's not my style.
Matheson: You ain't got no style, muthafucka.
Matheson: [to Budlofsky] You used to be fierce. You used to be ruthless!
Red: Today's my cat's birthday.
[passes out]
Matheson: [Saul has smashed a coffee pot in Matheson's face, leaving huge scars] I look like the Hamburglar.
Dale Denton: In case you haven't noticed - which you haven't, 'cause from what I can tell, you don't notice anything ever - we are not very functional when we're high.
Saul: Well, I don't know, man. I think I'm functioning right now. I was, like, stoned when I saved you with those slushies. What do you gotta say to that?
Dale Denton: Well, that would be true if you had saved me. But you didn't save me. She was gonna help us, but you made things worse. Now we're wanted for all sorts of crazy shit!
Saul: Don't fucking get on my case, all right? Look, only reason I started selling pot is so I could put my bubbeh in a nice retirement home.
Dale Denton: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, she must be proud of you for that.
Saul: She is really proud of me, and I'm gonna become something, man! As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a civil engineer. I'm gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits! You idiot, what the hell do you do?
Angie Anderson: Fuck you, Dale. I lost my virginity when I was fourteen, okay? How many women have you even slept with?
Dale Denton: Like two and a half.
Angie Anderson: Two and a half? What is a half, your hand? That doesn't count!
Robert: Angie, you're a fucking idiot. I say that with love.
Dale Denton: [talking about his girlfriend] I go visit her in high school and all the guys she goes to school with are, like, strong and handsome and really, like, funny and do good impressions of Jeff Goldblum and shit like that. And, like, I just feel like a fat, dumb fuckin' stinky-ass turd when I'm there.
Saul: What?
Dale Denton: It sucks for my ego.
Saul: Fuck Jeff Goldblum, man!
Red: You just got killed by a Daewoo Lanos, motherfucker!
Saul: [after Red tosses an ashtray, frisbee style, at Dale's head] Holy cock!
Dale Denton: [to Red] Fuck you!
Saul: What’s down there, a fucking Rancor?
Saul: [as he is just about to punch Carol in the face] You're in the jungle now, Baby!
Saul: This is like if that Blue Oyster shit met that African Kush I had - and they had a baby. And then, meanwhile, that crazy Northern Light stuff I had and the Super Red Espresso Snowflake met and had a baby. And by some miracle, those two babies met and fucked - this would the shit that they birthed.
Dale Denton: [smells the marijuana] Wow. This is the product of baby fucking.
Robert: Are you high?
Dale Denton: What? No!
Shannon: You are high as a fucking kite!
Saul: How about in the park, when I said you were my friend... you didn't say anything back.
Dale Denton: Well, that's easy. It's because we're not friends. You are my drug dealer. The only reason I know you is because I like the drugs you sell. If you didn't sell drugs, I would have no idea who you are, and I wouldn't be here right now. I would be fantastic!
Saul: Oh.
Dale Denton: I'm sorry, that sounded really mean... just to hear that, that sounded really mean.
Saul: No, I see. The monkey's out of the bottle now!
Dale Denton: What? That's not even... a figure of speech.
Saul: Pandora can't go back into the box - he only comes out.
Ken: [to Ted and Dale] You, suck my balls. Two times!
Saul: Enjoy your last meal.
[throws bills at Dale]
Saul: Here, supersize it, bitch.
[throws change]
Red: Why don't you follow his lead and just chill out, man?
Dale Denton: I'm chill. I'm chill as a cucumber, man.
Red: You don't seem chill.
Dale Denton: I'm more chill than you.
Red: You're more chill than me?
Dale Denton: Yeah.
Red: Look what I'm wearing. Kimono, dog. What're you wearing?
Dale Denton: A suit.
Red: Yeah, exactly. I don't know what's up with you, but I don't know if I like you.
Dale Denton: Well, I don't know if I like you either, man.
Red: Well, that's your loss 'cause I'm a great friend.
Dale Denton: You were cold and I *clothed* you.
Saul: Just sit back and get ready to enjoy some of the rarest weed known to mankind.
[he lights a joint and inhales]
Dale Denton: It's really that rare?
Saul: [exhales] It's, like, the rarest.
[he examines the joint]
Saul: It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like killing a unicorn... with, like, a bomb.
Dale Denton: [while hiding in the woods, on the run from Ted's henchmen] Even if he found that roach, how could he find us?
Saul: Um... heat-seeking missiles... bloodhounds... and foxes... barracudas...
Dale Denton: I'm just - I'm kind of flabbergasted when you say things like that. It's weird.
Saul: Thank you.
Dale Denton: Not a compliment.
Saul: Hey, look: it's like my thumb is my cock.
Dale Denton: That's not gonna get us a ride, man.
Saul: Let's roll, man! I'm done with the woods! Let's go! C'mon, man, let's get the fuck outta' here!
Dale Denton: [sarcastically] Okay... Uhh let's go... No... It's not working... the battery's dead.
Saul: Wait...! What do you mean it's dead?
Dale Denton: [laughing] What do I mean? I mean the battery's dead. The battery's dead!
Saul: No, no! What do you mean, the battery's dead?
Dale Denton: How can I explain this to you differently? The battery is dead. It ceased to live. It's deceased now. The car needs a battery to start, Saul.
Saul: [frustrated sigh] How did this happen?
Dale Denton: Well we clearly fell asleep with the battery on and-...
Saul: Aw, man... Talk radio?
Dale Denton: Yes, talk radio.
Saul: So boring, man! The car just committed suicide.
Saul: BFFF?
Dale Denton: Best Fuckin' Friends Forever, man!
Police Liaison Officer: Don't move this shit hurts
[holding a can of mace]
Police Liaison Officer: What's in your hand?
Dale Denton: It's weed, it's a joint, it's a roach. I thought it was decriminalized. To be honest with you, I have horrible anorexia and it helps my appetite. I'm so sorry.
Police Liaison Officer: Look selling narcotics to my students is not decriminalized. I'm the liaison officer for this school. And guess what? I just saw three students walking from back here with their eyes as red as the devil's dick
Dale Denton: Fuck!
Police Liaison Officer: Your Busted
Dale Denton: Those kids came up and they peer pressured me, this is a horrible misunderstanding.
Saul: Holy cock!
Red: Thug life!
Scientist: Private Miller, you've been smoking item nine for seven minutes and thirteen seconds. We're going to ask you several questions. How do you feel?
Private Miller: Ah well sir, I feel like a, like a slice of butter... melting on top of a big-ol' pile of flapjacks... yeah.
Saul: When my foot was in the hole - and my groin - man, I felt like a wishbone.
Red: [after falling asleep at breakfast] I feel like the nerd at the sleep-over that fell asleep at nine.
Matheson: Wassup, sir?
Saul: Man, why'd we have to go to the woods?
Dale Denton: Well you didn't come up with any ideas!
Saul: Yeah, I came up with two! Nowhere and Quizno's.
Red: I'm just up here, tryin' to get a motherfuckin' scholarship!
Dale Denton: [Dale is at Angie's house] No, don't don't let him gonna... No, don't wanna.
Saul: [Saul talking to Red on the phone] Well be careful, man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Red: [Red talking to Dale] There you go. Why don't you just follow his lead and just chill out man?
Red: Man, I'm just into Buddhism, and I'm at peace with the fact that me, as this person, probably gonna not be around. Think about a hermit crab, okay? And it's a shell. It's like, they go from one shell to the next. And that's what I am. I'm just a hermit crab changin' shells.
Dale Denton: Except if you're a dick your whole life, your next shell will be made of shit, okay? If you're an asshole, you're gonna come back as a cockroach or a worm or a fuckin' anal bead, okay? If you're a man and you act heroic, you'll come back as an eagle. You'll come back as a dragon. You'll come back as Jude Law, okay? Which would you rather be?
Red: Maybe the anal bead, depending on who it belongs to.
Dale Denton: Belongs to me.
Red: Then the dragon.
Robert: You assholes do exactly as I say, or I will take you outside and fuck you in the street!
Dale Denton: No! Don't fuck us anywhere!
Dale Denton: [fighting with Ted] Gimme that fire extinguisher!
Saul: A dude, a lady, and a cop? That like a massacre, man!
Saul: There's a fly in the ointment, shits hittin' the fan, the lion will speak!
Dale Denton: Hey, man, what happened to your lip?
Saul: Yeah... it looks like you've been crying or something...
Red: Um, actually, my lip, that's a cold sore. And I've never had a cold sore before, so I cried.
Saul: Dude, a cold sore? Does that mean like... herpes?
Red: Yes, that's what it means. I have herpes.
Saul: Herpes... Whoa, do you know how many, like, joints we've shared?
Red: Yes, I know, I'm a disgusting person.
[Dale walks in unexpectedly]
Dale Denton: Hello? Hey, man.
Saul: What the fuck? I didn't buzz you in. How the monkey did you get in here?
Dale Denton: Oh, shit, some guy with a faux 'hawk let me in. He was leaving when I was-...
Saul: Fuckin' Kyle, man?
Dale Denton: It might've been Kyle.
Saul: That asshole.
Dale Denton: I'm sorry.
Saul: What the fuck's the buzzer for, anyway?
Dale Denton: I don't know. I'm sorry about that. I don't know your protocol yet.
Mr. Edwards: Clark's a great guy, man. He's totally gonna take care of Angie, man. He's great, he's a wonderful lab partner, so... It's gonna be cool, he'll keep one eye on her.
Dale Denton: Why don't you go fuck yourself, you weird little prick?
Mr. Edwards: I'm a teacher, okay? You can't talk to me like that, guy.
Dale Denton: I'm not a student, so I can say whatever the fuck I want, you chimp-fucking little bastard.
Saul: [quoting 227] I thought hurricane season was over!
Dale Denton: Oh, wow, you got a cute picture.
Saul: Oh, yeah, me and my bubbeh. Hey, let me ask you something. Do you think you could pull the plug on someone if you needed to? Like euthanasia?
Dale Denton: Like on her?
Saul: If I needed to.
Dale Denton: Um... I'm kind of in a hurry, man. I don't know if we should start going down that road. I could talk all day about euthanasia. Don't get me started.
Saul: Well, save it!
Dale Denton: We'll save it for next time. We'll keep it going.
Saul: What's up with the suit?
Dale Denton: Oh, I'm a process server, so I have to wear a suit.
Saul: Wow, you're a servant? Like a butler? A chauffeur?
Dale Denton: No, no. What? No, I'm not like-...
Saul: Shine shoes?
Dale Denton: I'm a *process server*!
Dale Denton: He fucking killed him!
Saul: Who killed who?
Dale Denton: A cop, a lady, and a guy!
Saul: A cop, a lady, and a guy, man? That's like a massacre. You saw it?
Dale Denton: No, it was just a guy!
Saul: What happened to the lady?
Saul: [talking about Pineapple Express] It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like killing a unicorn... with, like, a bomb.
Saul: I wish we could just go nowhere.
Red: Do you know what today is?
Saul: Tuesday.
Red: This is my cat's birthday today.
Dale Denton: I don't see a cat in here. I'm sorry. Did you let it out by accident?
Red: No, because he died three months ago, okay? So now who's the funny guy?
Dale Denton: I'm sorry?
Red: Today is his birthday and it is a tradition that on his birthday I get up extra early and make him his favorite kind of dessert.
Saul: Don't worry, bro. Your cat's going to heaven.
Red: Yeah, maybe. Maybe he went to heaven. He was a little fucker. He could've gone to hell.
Red: You don't think I can handle danger?
Dale Denton: What are you talking about?
Saul: You can.
Red: I totally can. And for you to come into my house and not tell secrets because you think you're saving me, well, in reality it just makes you look like a dumbass, cause look at this.
[He shows them his shaved armpits]
Red: You see this? You see that? There's no hair under here, bro.
Dale Denton: What's the significance of that?
Red: It makes me aerodynamic when I fight. I can take danger.
Red: [Red wakes up and is taped to a chair] Hey, what's up, dudes?
Dale Denton: What's up? Tell us everything now!
Saul: Talk, Red.
Red: I'm gonna flex and bust out of here.
[Red tries to bust out]
Saul: Trapped.
Dale Denton: It's not happening, Red.
Red: Okay, I'll talk. Um, Ted Jones, he knows you witnessed the murder. He found your roach. He sent two guys over here, Budlofsky and Matheson. Two real big son of a bitches. They're basically out to kill you guys, and they're gonna kill me, too, unless I turn y'all over. So you guys are basically fucked.
Matheson: Red, this is your last chance. You gonna give us something we can use?
Red: Matheson, you gotta be kidding me, man. What more do you want? I told you the guy's name was Dale Denton. He's obviously working with Saul. They came in here, they busted my house to shit, they kicked the hell out of me, and then duct-taped me to my grandfather's wheelchair. What more do you want me to tell you? Want me to read your horoscope?
Matheson: You hear that, Ted?
Ted Jones: [on the phone] Okay. Ask if either of them were Asian.
Matheson: What skin color were they?
Red: They were white people. Denton might've been a Jew. I don't know. I don't judge people based on things like that. Obviously, we're friends.
Matheson: Ted, you hear him?
Ted Jones: Dale Denton. Not Asian. All right, kill Red.
Red: Man, listen, I would just appreciate it if both of y'all would take your shoes off. This is brand-new carpet. You're tracking mud in here. Matheson, you got British Knights on. I ain't seen anybody wear them since 1987-...
[Matheson shoots Red]
Dale Denton: [after explaining everything that's happened] Do you believe me?
Police Liaison Officer: I don't know. Give me a minute. It was a woman or a man cop?
Dale Denton: It was a policewoman. It was a woman.
Police Liaison Officer: Oh, I think I know who that bitch was.
Dale Denton: Yes, I will identify that bitch!
Red: I used to use this little gun when I was a prostitute.
Budlofsky: [Matheson punches Saul] Stand back! Ted wants him alive!
Matheson: Why're you holding me back?
Budlofsky: Ted wants him alive, okay?
Matheson: I should be kicking his fucking teeth in!
Budlofsky: If anybody's gonna beat him up, it's gonna be Ted.
Matheson: I look like Hamburglar! And the Elephant Man!
Saul: You look like someone fucked you up with a coffee pot, man!
Budlofsky: Professional. Professional.
Saul: Professional on this, bitch!
Matheson: [to Saul] Whatever, man.
[to Budlofsky]
Matheson: And where were you?
Budlofsky: I was there!
Matheson: You're supposed to be my partner!
Budlofsky: I was there!
Matheson: No you wasn't there! How did this happen then?
Saul: He's got good reflexes, man.
Matheson: You know you gonna die, right?
Saul: Yeah.
Matheson: I'm gonna kill the fuck out of you! I hope you enjoy these last seventeen minutes of your life.
Red: [before saving Saul] I can't do this. I'm sorry, man. I can't do this. I'm infected. My shit's all fucked up. I need medical attention.
Dale Denton: What do you mean you can't - I thought we just got all pumped up! What was that all about?
Red: Dude, Ted is a fucking murderer! I can't fuck with him! I got a wife, man! She's gonna be out of jail soon. I wanna fuck her! I wanna have sex with her! I am not gonna wake up murdered tomorrow.
Dale Denton: Oh, no! Come on, this could be your moment of redemption!
Red: Fuck that. This'll be your moment.
Dale Denton: I'm gonna get us out of here!
Saul: No. You're not. But it's okay.
Saul: You lied to me.
Red: I did. I lied big time to you.
Saul: Dale said that, that you didn't even have herpes and I said that you did.
Red: Honestly, like, from now on, just, like, from everything that we've gone through, from, like, seeing this fuckin' asshole's nuts smashed with my Daewoo, I want to be a better friend to you. I really am.
Saul: I fuckin' love you, dog. I fuckin' love you.
Red: I wanna be inside you, homes.
Saul: No more lies, Red.
Red: This is my moment.
Saul: This is your moment.
[Carol shoots Red]
Red: I'm trying to decide how stoned I am and just how on the verge of death am I right now. Like, am I seeing shit because I'm stone or because I have no blood left in my body.
Dale Denton: Well, you've been shot like seven times.
Red: [Red regains consciousness after shortly passing out from his wounds] I'm like the nerd at the sleepover who fell asleep at nine.
Dale Denton: It's okay. We won't put our dicks in your mouth.
Clark: Dude, I wanted to tell you. You were hilarious today in Drama Class.
Angie Anderson: Seriously, your Jeff Goldblum impression made me piss my pants.
Clark: Oh, I wish.
Saul: You still got that bong I got you when I was in Tel Aviv?
Red: Hell yeah, Bong Mitzvah! Hit it up, dude!
Dale Denton: What an adorable little cop.
Dale Denton: You killed my ear!
Matheson: You shot me!
Dale Denton: I didn't do that!
Matheson: HE shot me!
Dale Denton: You shot him?
Saul: nods his head
Matheson: Get your hands off me!
Saul: Shut up! we've had enough of you!
Matheson: I'm not your friend!
Dale Denton: Couscous - the food's so nice they named it twice.
Saul: Relax, man, just sit back and get ready to enjoy some of the rarest weed known to man.
Dale Denton: It's really that rare?
Saul: It's like the rarest. It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like... Killin' a unicorn... With like a bomb...
Dale Denton: Are you the only guy in town who has this? You're actually the only guy?
Saul: Yeah. My guy, Red, said he was givin' me an exclusive sneak preview.
Dale Denton: And am I the only guy who you sold it to; the other guys got snicklefritz?
Saul: Yeah. So *we're* like the only guys...
Dale Denton: And Red got this from Ted?
Saul: Ted's the man.
Dale Denton: ...Let's get the fuck outta here, man! Go! Go! Let's go!
Saul: What?
Dale Denton: Let's go! Go!
Saul: Why?
Dale Denton: Because! I threw a roach of this outside of Ted's house!
Saul: So what, man? I throw roaches all over the fuckin' town...
Dale Denton: No! No, no! He could find the roach and say "It's Pineapple Express in here! SAUL! He's the only guy who HAS Pineapple Express! He must've seen the murder or know - let's fuckin' kill him!
Saul: Oh, fuck!
Dale Denton: Let's get outta here! Wait, wait, stop, stop, stop, stop! Get weed! Get the weed!
Saul: Okay.
Dale Denton: Anything we might need: Snacks! Food! Fruit Rollups!... Let's get the fuck outta here!
Dale Denton: I should call Angie soon... Make up some bullshit...
Saul: I think we should stay!
Dale Denton: Why?
Saul: ...Cause I'm in the dumpster already!
Dale Denton: Danger! Danger! Trees! Tree! Tree! Squirrel!
Dale Denton: Aren't you angry at Ted?
Red: Yeah, I'm really mad at him...
Dale Denton: Well whaddya wanna do about it? Don't you wanna get up and DO SOMETHIN' about it?
Red: Maybe... Maybe that'd be cool to do to him...
Dale Denton: What the fuck is this thing?
Saul: Ah. Cross joint.
Dale Denton: Yeah.
Saul: You ever smoke one of those?
Dale Denton: You can SMOKE this?
Saul: Hell yeah, man!
Dale Denton: No.
Saul: This. Is. The future, this is like the apex of the vortex of joint engineering. It's rumored that M. M. O'Shaughnessy designed the first one - the guy who, uh, designed the Golden Gate Bridge. My second favorite civil engineer behind Hannskarl Bandel: Madison Square Garden... What you do is you light all three ends at the same time...
Dale Denton: Really?
Saul: - and then the smoke converges, creating a TRIFECTA of joint smoking power. This is it, man. This is what your grandchildren are gonna be smoking. Future. That - future...
Saul: You know, don't get down on yourself: You got a great girl, you got a great job whete you don't go anything, you get to smoke weed all day... I wish I had that...
Dale Denton: Are you kidd - you do, you have the easiest job on Earth. You DO smoke weed all day.
Saul: ...Hahaha, that's true!
Dale Denton: You didn't think of that, huh?
Saul: I do have a good job...
Dale Denton: Yeah, you do nothing!
Saul: Thanks, man!
Dale Denton: No problem.
Saul: Thank you.
Saul: I'm cold...
Dale Denton: You're cold? Oh, I'm not cold at all. Here...
[he starts to take off his coat]
Dale Denton: ... I run hot.
Saul: Really?
Dale Denton: Yeah.
Saul: You got more...
Dale Denton: Thick blood.
Saul: ...body.
Saul: Herpes is for life bro!
Red: Yeah, well I'm gonna try to definitely put some sort of medical ointment on it. I've been takin vicatin, that really doesn't take down the swelling though.
Saul: It's from that time. I told you man! You wanted to eat that lollipop out of that stripper's snatch! You wanted to do it!
Saul: Out of her vagina, I know! Remember what you did? What'd you do?
Red: Nothing.
Red: You at a box of nerds outta her butt-hoooole.
Matheson: [to Budlosky] I may act tough, but i got a lot of feelings, and you hurt damn near everyone of them.
Police Liaison Officer: Oooh, big sexy with glasses!
Clark: It's time to suck today's dick!
Dale Denton: Yeah, suck dick!
Saul: Smell it. SMELL it! Enjoy. It's like... God's vagina!
Dale Denton: Uhhh!
Saul: What, do you wanna bathe in it?
Dale Denton: I just want to live in here!
Saul: Yes, you wanna be it?
Dale Denton: Oh my God, I just wanna shove it up my nose and have that smell all day, that's amazing! It's beautiful!
Saul: Shove it anywhere you like!
Dale Denton: What's it called?
Saul: Pineapple express.
Saul: Oh, sick! You threw up on my printer!
Dale Denton: I did.
Saul: You break it?
Dale Denton: I hope not.
[Saul throws his cell phone into the woods after suggesting that they can be traced]
Dale Denton: Whoa! What the fuck was that?
Saul: I was trying to hit that tree. I missed.
Dale Denton: What tree?
Saul: That one.
Dale Denton: Why didn't you smash it on a rock like a normal person like I did?
Saul: I don't know! How often does somebody smash things? I'm rusty, fuck.
Dale Denton: Oh, man, did you at least see where it landed?
Saul: I don't know. Just call it.
Dale Denton: Call it? With what? My phone has been smashed!
Saul: [pauses] Y'know, I bet they can't even triangulate those things.
Dale Denton: Well, you shouldn't have said anything, because now you convinced me they can! You were very convincing back there!
Saul: Okay, okay. Fine, I'll go find it. Fuck.
Dale Denton: Do you see it?
Saul: See what?
Dale Denton: The phone, you idiot!
Budlofsky: Hey! How about a little fuckin' discretion!
Matheson: What abo- you catch that? you see that? You use to not give a fuck about discretion. I seen't you break somebody's jawbone off! I SEEN'T it! You was ruthless man! ruthless!
Saul: [Reaches for Dale's hand, trying to pull him into the air vent] Give it to me!
Dale Denton: Come on!
Saul: Be taller!
Dale Denton: [Gives up] Be stronger!
Dale Denton: I'm here to save my best friend... I've got an idea! Rub your wrists against my belt buckle!
[Saul does. It looks like humping]
Dale Denton: I'm gonna save you, man!
Saul: [Grinds against Dale] Yeah! Yeah!
Dale Denton: Let me save you!
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