Question for the married ladies out there

[Ballcox]

Although married men can also feel free to jump in. My main question is this: do you need to know everything, and I mean everything about your husband? I'm talking about needing to know who he's emailed, what he did when he went out to the store for an hour, what he said to his friend during a phone conversation, etc.

The reason I ask this is that I got into a whole shit storm with the wife over a situation in which I did not provide her every little detail. One situation involves a friend who I haven't seen in almost two years, we were best friends at one time and then a split occurred. My wife has never been fond of him, and is very sensitive any time his name comes up.

So, I mention to my wife that I'm thinking about contacting him to find out why he hasn't communicated with me in so long. Now, I've given my wife my password to my email account so she can read any transactions that take place. I set a date to meet with my friend on a Friday recently, but just don't really think about telling the wife immediately (also knowing she'll likely get somewhat angry about this meeting).

Turns out that I have something come up and cancel the meeting, since the meeting didn't happen I don't think it's that important to tell the wife about. Well, she goes out of control about how I've lied to her in our relationship, and how my lies are destroying our marriage. Seriously?

I just didn't think it was that important since the meeting never took place. Should I have told her everything speck of information? If the meeting didn't even happen is it worth even mentioning?

She also saw another email where I was just doing the whole married guy joking around thing with another friend, talking about how I've got to get out of the house soon, I'm always getting nagged, etc. Now, this was just joking with a friend, not how I seriously feel about our marriage. BUT, she took me to task over this as well, stating that I've painted her in a negative light to my friends and how she can't look them in the face or be around them again since I've done this. So, am I going crazy? Doesn't everyone vent about marriage with friends from time to time?

Any and all advice from the married women out there is much appreciated, married men (and really anyone with some good insight) is also appreciated.:bang

[BacktoBasics]

Sounds like your wife doesn't approve of your friend because she cheated on you with him. Or almost did.

[BacktoBasics]

Some women who don't trust themselves typically try and control their man. Its a reaction due to her own shortcomings.

[SpursStalker]

I'm not married but it sounds to me like your wife is insecure.

That's a tough bridge to walk across.

[Walter Herrmann]

Not married, but I'm pretty sure its normal to vent about shit like that with friends. I know I did.

[JudynTX]

do you need to know everything, and I mean everything about your husband? I'm talking about needing to know who he's emailed, what he did when he went out to the store for an hour, what he said to his friend during a phone conversation, etc.


No, I don't. :)

I only want to know what he had for lunch each day, just curious I guess. :lol

[to21]

Do you have her mail account password?

Do you check on everything she does?

Does she have friends that she has that you don't like?

[King]

Sounds like there's more of a backstory than what's given here.

[JoeChalupa]

Just the basics is enough for me. I catch myself telling the wife to "cut to the chase" all the time. I don't need to know every detail just what matters but I am a good listener. She listens to my rants about work even though she doesn't have a clue what I'm talking about.
When I go out I just tell her I'm going to have a few beers and she says okay she does like to know where I'll be at though. I remember guys used to hassle me about "checking in" with the wife but I don't see it that way.
Good luck. Marriage takes work.

[SpursWoman]

I don't need to know everything ... but then I don't usually ask a lot of questions anyway, and if I do it's only because I'm interested. :angel



She also saw another email where I was just doing the whole married guy joking around thing with another friend, talking about how I've got to get out of the house soon, I'm always getting nagged, etc. Now, this was just joking with a friend, not how I seriously feel about our marriage. BUT, she took me to task over this as well, stating that I've painted her in a negative light to my friends and how she can't look them in the face or be around them again since I've done this. So, am I going crazy? Doesn't everyone vent about marriage with friends from time to time?


That would probably have rubbed me the wrong way, too ... no one likes to be perceived as someone even their spouse doesn't want to be around. "Nag" is a pretty strong word .... at least to me it is. :lol

[Ballcox]

Interesting take basics, but I'm very confident she never had anything going on with my friend. He was already married by the time they met and you could tell from the beginning that she didn't like him and in conversations I had with him it was evident he didn't think too much of her.

This is part of what I think contributed to him cutting off communication with me after over 20 years of friendship.

[Ballcox]

And no, I don't have her email password or any other personal information of hers. I just don't feel the need to search for every bit of information about what she is doing.

[angel_luv]

I am not married ( yet) but offer you my perspective as a woman in a committed relationship.


Your wife is saying:

1) You've lied to her and your lies are ruining the marriage
2) You paint her into a negative light to your friends.

You need to get to the bottom of why your wife feels like that.

Pick a time when you can listen without getting defensive and offer your wife the opportunity to vent. Hear her all the way out.
That could very well be all she wants.

You may be unintentionally hurting her feelings with your jokes about being married to friends, but you are still hurting your feelings.
Is it worth it to making the jokes? Is it not causing you more stress than it is relieving? Sounds like it.


My bf does our relationship a world of good with the way he lets me express myself and honors my view to the best of his ability.
That is not to say we always agree or that I do ( or should) always get my way.
More than anything, I appreciate being heard and being treated respectfully.

What it comes down to is what is more important, joking with your friends or your wife's feelings?
Which is the better priority, reconnecting with someone who has not bothered to keep in touch with you or honoring your wife who has stuck by you?

Is your wife overreacting to the specific issues you mentioned? Probably.
But I think with your wife is reacting based on how she feels about the deeper issues she expressed- your lies and your bad mouthing her.

I am not suggesting that you have lied or maliciously bad mouthed her. I am just pointing out that your wife's perception is that you have and that is what you need to deal with.
Until then, everything you do is likely to be the straw that broke the camels back.


If you make a consistent effort to prioritize your wife and to consider her feelings more, I think you will find her to be a lot less touchy and much more supportive and obliging.
Kindness breeds kindness, especially when the person already loves you as I am sure your wife does.

[to21]

And no, I don't have her email password or any other personal information of hers. I just don't feel the need to search for every bit of information about what she is doing. Then she very insecure about something.

Or she's guilty herself.

EDIT: Yeah that that was a bone-head move....complaining about your marriage to your boys, when she can read what you wrote.

[101A]

You're done, dude.

You've given into her griping/bitching/nagging too damn much, and she owns your ass. You don't need to dominate, or wear the pants or anything like that, nothing wrong with a relationship of equals - but your wife doesn't respect you. AND if you try to change things now; since it sounds like a precedence of her owning you is set; she's gonna go bat-shit crazy if you try to straighten it up now.

I speak from experience - I now have a good, mutally-respectful marriage (19 years this August) - but it wasn't always so. She became obsessed with everything I did for a while there (no suspicion of infidelity, either - just literally obsessive jealous of ALL my time; work, play, whatever). I finally got tired of walking on egg-shells, etc...so, whenever the "crazy wife" would show her head, ranting and griping, and generally being completely unreasonable - I wouldn't argue, or even talk to her (can't reason with the unreasonable, after all) - I would walk out, get in the car and leave for a couple of hours - if she was still at it when I got back - gonzo again. The cooling off period was a good thing; kept me from getting too pissed, and saying something that she COULD gripe about - and she, ultimately an intelligent adult, would, apparently consider how she was behaving, and would generally come correct. Haven't had to do it in a while.

Another thing; critically examine your OWN actions in all of this; you are not saint, most likely, and even in the most non-sensical rants, she probably has a point. Figure out what it is (never easy to translate "crazy wife talk"; and correct/admit to it. Don't, however, admit to something that isn't right; that's how you probably got into this situation in the first place.

[mrsmaalox]

Sounds like you all haven't been married very long. Believe me, the longer you are together the less important things like that become. It's just some kind of crazy insecurity some women go thru early on. I did an abbreviated version of that stuff (I was young--22) but got over it soon enough. What I find disturbing is the accusations of "lying"; that may run a little deeper than insecurity.

[DarkReign]

Here is an advantage of marriage that I have discovered in my short experience with it...and this applies to the situation youre talking about (wife wants to know everything) and many others...

Neither of you would leave one another over something so trivial. So if its something that bothers you, tell her "This f-ing bothers me, so I am not doing it anymore". End of discussion.

You arent asking to go on some European trip with the boys (not that there is anything wrong with that) or a similar situation that requires her consent or prior knowledge.

This is about the nit-picking part of your day. Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that I will not debrief you about every moment of my fucking day. You either trust me or you do not.

Either way, that shits on you, not me. Im not here to cater to your fucking psychosis and insecurities. Youre just going to have to deal with "not knowing".

BTW, if that is enough to send your marriage into a tailspin, youre better off without. I had to have this conversation with my wife before we were married (living together a long time though).

I think women have a hard time understanding how men can go through a day without remembering every frickin detail of their movements. Shit I would never even think to catalogue for a later date is asked and Im like "I dont remember what fucking street I took to get to the goddamn store! How many steps did you take to get your car?"

Because I dont.

[BacktoBasics]

Her insecurity stems from her lack of ability to trust herself.

Its very common in women that aren't happy. Just sayin. I'm not trying to troll you.

[DarkReign]

Her insecurity stems from her lack of ability to trust herself.

Its very common in women that aren't happy. Just sayin. I'm not trying to troll you.

Wow, I have to hear this. Please explain, seriously.

[clambake]

maybe she's looking for an excuse to misbehave.

you know......the "You drove me to it" position.

[Kermit]

Aside from these two examples, does you wife behave in this manner about everything?

[BacktoBasics]

Wow, I have to hear this. Please explain, seriously.She has a low self esteem. She doesn't trust herself, for whatever reason, it results her trying to control someone else.

Pretty common.

Lack of self control leads to attempting to control others.

[leemajors]

Get out or get her to counseling. My ex was the same way. Everyone needs their personal space/privacy. It's only gonna get worse.

[CuckingFunt]

Although married men can also feel free to jump in. My main question is this: do you need to know everything, and I mean everything about your husband? I'm talking about needing to know who he's emailed, what he did when he went out to the store for an hour, what he said to his friend during a phone conversation, etc.

The reason I ask this is that I got into a whole shit storm with the wife over a situation in which I did not provide her every little detail. One situation involves a friend who I haven't seen in almost two years, we were best friends at one time and then a split occurred. My wife has never been fond of him, and is very sensitive any time his name comes up.

So, I mention to my wife that I'm thinking about contacting him to find out why he hasn't communicated with me in so long. Now, I've given my wife my password to my email account so she can read any transactions that take place. I set a date to meet with my friend on a Friday recently, but just don't really think about telling the wife immediately (also knowing she'll likely get somewhat angry about this meeting).

Turns out that I have something come up and cancel the meeting, since the meeting didn't happen I don't think it's that important to tell the wife about. Well, she goes out of control about how I've lied to her in our relationship, and how my lies are destroying our marriage. Seriously?

I just didn't think it was that important since the meeting never took place. Should I have told her everything speck of information? If the meeting didn't even happen is it worth even mentioning?

She also saw another email where I was just doing the whole married guy joking around thing with another friend, talking about how I've got to get out of the house soon, I'm always getting nagged, etc. Now, this was just joking with a friend, not how I seriously feel about our marriage. BUT, she took me to task over this as well, stating that I've painted her in a negative light to my friends and how she can't look them in the face or be around them again since I've done this. So, am I going crazy? Doesn't everyone vent about marriage with friends from time to time?

Any and all advice from the married women out there is much appreciated, married men (and really anyone with some good insight) is also appreciated.:bang

She has your email password? I always think that is plain retarded, but if you know she's got it and is reading your email... might not be the best place to vent about the wife.

To answer your initial question, no. I don't need to know every little detail about the person I'm dating. As long as I feel like I can trust the person I'm with enough to fill me in on the big stuff, I think it's imperative that we each have our own lives.

[angel_luv]

She has a low self esteem. She doesn't trust herself, for whatever reason, it results her trying to control someone else.

Pretty common.

Lack of self control leads to attempting to control others.

The examples the OP gave of what his wife said to me did not signify a wife who is generally controlling.

I am not saying she isn't ( I don't know her- none of us do so we can only guess based on the one sided information we have.)

The original poster did list some very specific complaints his wife had.

Isn't it possible that those issues contribute to the wife's reaction, which is controlling?

My feelings are sometimes hurt by mean things people say. Does that automatically mean that I am always insecure and over sensitive?

No. I think it means that I do not like being treated meanly and when I respond in a way that is a natural, understandable reaction.

[Ballcox]

A lot of good information/feedback out there, thanks. We've been married over ten years and it seems this 'condition' has gotten worse over the years even though I have significantly reduced the amount of time I spend with friends outside the home.

I don't go to bars of any kind away from home, I don't have any female friends, and I don't think I've ever give her reason to think I'm cheating on her or hiding some huge secret.

And honestly, I don't really remember all the specific details of my day to day activities. Sometimes I'll have a phone conversation with my mom and she wants to know everything we talked about. I'll sum it up in a few minutes, but then I can see her getting upset because maybe I'm not telling her everything. Damn! It's just frustrating as hell, I can't remember every detail I discuss with my mother.

The other part to this is my wife doesn't just talk the talk when it comes to honesty, she walks it. I mean, this woman is the most honest, straight forward woman or person I have ever met. She is so damn consistent it's hard to believe. If she says she'll be somewhere, she'll be there come hell or high water. I think part of the problem is that she expects the rest of the world to behave in the same manner, and probably expects it ever more out of those close to her. So she ends up getting even more upset when her sister doesn't follow through on something, or I don't give her all this specific information, etc. Does that make sense?

[desflood]

My main question is this: do you need to know everything, and I mean everything about your husband? I'm talking about needing to know who he's emailed, what he did when he went out to the store for an hour, what he said to his friend during a phone conversation, etc.
No. Familiarity breeds contempt. My husband is the same way, but his insecurities are the result of something that happened to him long before we met. Did something happen to her in the past that may make her less likely to trust people?

[Ballcox]

^Well, I think growing up her family let her down on a fairly regular basis. She's been the one person in her entire family to really do for herself, get a college education, working on a master's degree now, and they'll still nit pick at her about her weight, or things that need work around the house. And she'll really let this get to her.

So, I can see where she'll get over-sensitive about certain topics or activities I'm involved in. But, the only thing I do away from the home is either play golf, or go to a guy's poker game about once every 4-5 months.

[mrsmaalox]

Yea 10 yrs is a long time to not have gotten past the early establishment of security/trust in the marriage. Your description of her personality sounds a little OCD to me, especially since the behaviors seem to be escalating. Does she get regular health check ups? I think you need to have a heart to heart with her (set some rules and limits for the behavior during this meeting) and ask her seriously what is bothering her and why you don't understand it, then tell her how you feel and offer to explain to her anything she doesn't understand. Unfortunately, as far as communication goes, men and women have a different idea of what is adequate. If your conversation doesn't ease the tension, or if either of you feels a communication "block", it's probably time for some professional counseling.

[BacktoBasics]

Did you keep the box your wife came in?

Any receipts?

[bus driver]

life's to short......go find another one, their are plenty in the sea.

[timvp]

Meh, in the example you gave, it sounds like you should have just been honest. You shouldn't have had to ask her permission to go or invite her but you probably should have just said you're hitting the bar with the friend she doesn't like. Even if she got mad, that madness level wouldn't compare to the madness level you are now experiencing.

You knew she would be sensitive to that issue so that should have been something to just tell her. I guess if she is sensitive by a wide array of issues then I could see how this one fell through the cracks. But if this is one of her main issues, I'd have to blame you.

[jman3000]

She's a woman. There's a hint. They are all retarded in their own little way.

You're welcome :)

[lebomb]

This is how I feel..............I think you should post it on your fridge at home.





The Man Rules:
The Man Rules: At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys' side of the story.( I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the Rules" From

the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note...these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it

down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not

work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already

know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are

lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know

men really don't mind that? It's like camping..


Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

[tp2021]

That would probably have rubbed me the wrong way, too ... no one likes to be perceived as someone even their spouse doesn't want to be around. "Nag" is a pretty strong word .... at least to me it is. :lol

She seems like one.

[tp2021]

You may be unintentionally hurting her feelings with your jokes about being married to friends, but you are still hurting your feelings.
Is it worth it to making the jokes? Is it not causing you more stress than it is relieving? Sounds like it.


What it comes down to is what is more important, joking with your friends or your wife's feelings?


Oh my god. If his wife does this all the time, your logic would make it not worth it for him to do anything.

[angel_luv]

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it

down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

I agree with that.

[angel_luv]

Oh my god. If his wife does this all the time, your logic would make it not worth it for him to do anything.

But the complaint was a specific one- so easy to address.

[Extra Stout]

So, I mention to my wife that I'm thinking about contacting him to find out why he hasn't communicated with me in so long. Now, I've given my wife my password to my email account so she can read any transactions that take place. I set a date to meet with my friend on a Friday recently, but just don't really think about telling the wife immediately (also knowing she'll likely get somewhat angry about this meeting).

Turns out that I have something come up and cancel the meeting, since the meeting didn't happen I don't think it's that important to tell the wife about. Well, she goes out of control about how I've lied to her in our relationship, and how my lies are destroying our marriage. Seriously?
You figured she was going to get mad about the meeting, so you didn't tell her about it, and when she found out, she felt deceived. Not too tough to figure out.


She also saw another email where I was just doing the whole married guy joking around thing with another friend, talking about how I've got to get out of the house soon, I'm always getting nagged, etc. Now, this was just joking with a friend, not how I seriously feel about our marriage. BUT, she took me to task over this as well, stating that I've painted her in a negative light to my friends and how she can't look them in the face or be around them again since I've done this. So, am I going crazy? Doesn't everyone vent about marriage with friends from time to time?
I have men in my life with whom I can talk seriously about marital issues. But I avoid talking bad about my wife to other people behind her back like what you just described.

[Summers]

It's hard to offer my married-woman opinion in this thread because we're hearing one side of the story. I don't act possessive or obsessive with my husband but he's never given me reason to not trust him. If you can survive the first 2 years of marriage, you can be comfortable with not knowing every detail of what your spouse is doing. RG has a Thursday night beer-with-the-boys ritual, during which they "talk shit about the wives", and that's really okay with me, because, even though I am pretty awesome, I know I'm not perfect. (Actually, I suppose the reason I don't mind Thursday nights is because he says his buddies do the bitching about their wives and he sits there and feels lucky--I don't know if he's telling the truth, but it's such a sweet thing to say!) :lol

[marini martini]

OK, here goes from a happy wife of 30 years. Marriage is a partnership in life. You will not always like the same friends or interests. Your goal should always be happy, if your partner's happy. Even if their happiness doesn't include you at the time.

If she's accusing you, or is suspicious of you and your whereabouts, usually that means she's probably guilty of some thing herself.

Around the 10th year of the relationship , or when you hit your mid 30's, things can get a little hinky. A woman or man may start to realize they're in their prime and life is passing them by with a real good chance that things aren't going to get any better or any more exciting.

All I can say is the longer you're together, the better it gets. If you wake up and realize life would be a big fat drag if you suddenly lost your partner, then you're on the road to a good solid relationship. Keep things exciting, be supportive, and encourage one another to seek their joy!!!:toast

Good luck!!

[BacktoBasics]

If she's accusing you, or is suspicious of you and your whereabouts, usually that means she's probably guilty of some thing herself.



Thats what I've been saying.

[CosmicCowboy]

Wow.

you gave her the password to your e-mail account? Like the e-mail account you actually use?

You are out of your fucking mind and deserve every bit of the shit she is giving you. You created this monster when you surrendered your man card. Don't bitch about it now.

[JoeChalupa]

My wife knows my email password and I could care less.

[JudynTX]

My wife knows my email password and I could care less.

+1 My husband uses my email address. :lol

[JoeChalupa]

OK, here goes from a happy wife of 30 years. Marriage is a partnership in life. You will not always like the same friends or interests. Your goal should always be happy, if your partner's happy. Even if their happiness doesn't include you at the time.

If she's accusing you, or is suspicious of you and your whereabouts, usually that means she's probably guilty of some thing herself.

Around the 10th year of the relationship , or when you hit your mid 30's, things can get a little hinky. A woman or man may start to realize they're in their prime and life is passing them by with a real good chance that things aren't going to get any better or any more exciting.

All I can say is the longer you're together, the better it gets. If you wake up and realize life would be a big fat drag if you suddenly lost your partner, then you're on the road to a good solid relationship. Keep things exciting, be supportive, and encourage one another to seek their joy!!!:toast

Good luck!!

Great post. :tu My wife is 13 yrs younger than I am and a few years back when she hit her late twenties she went on a little "out with girls" era which did cause some problems since I was over my going out days and she wasn't. Yeah, I did have some concerns that she was going out and dancing and I was at home with the kids and I did get jealous but got over it. She would even tell me to call 1-800-CHEATERS any time I felt the need.
We still go out on dates on a regular basis. We were almost going to go on vacation this year with out the girls but they wouldn't hear of it.

[BacktoBasics]

I gave my wife my email password. I just created a new email account.

[mrsmaalox]

Wow.

you gave her the password to your e-mail account? Like the e-mail account you actually use?

You are out of your fucking mind and deserve every bit of the shit she is giving you. You created this monster when you surrendered your man card. Don't bitch about it now.


I gave my wife my email password. I just created a new email account.

Gee I wonder why women get suspicious?? :lmao

[peewee's lovechild]

Gee I wonder why women get suspicious?? :lmao

Because they're paranoid fucks.

[clambake]

if she comes home with food from arby's and pf changs.........you're screwed.

[MiamiHeat]

Although married men can also feel free to jump in. My main question is this: do you need to know everything, and I mean everything about your husband? I'm talking about needing to know who he's emailed, what he did when he went out to the store for an hour, what he said to his friend during a phone conversation, etc.

The reason I ask this is that I got into a whole shit storm with the wife over a situation in which I did not provide her every little detail. One situation involves a friend who I haven't seen in almost two years, we were best friends at one time and then a split occurred. My wife has never been fond of him, and is very sensitive any time his name comes up.

So, I mention to my wife that I'm thinking about contacting him to find out why he hasn't communicated with me in so long. Now, I've given my wife my password to my email account so she can read any transactions that take place. I set a date to meet with my friend on a Friday recently, but just don't really think about telling the wife immediately (also knowing she'll likely get somewhat angry about this meeting).

Turns out that I have something come up and cancel the meeting, since the meeting didn't happen I don't think it's that important to tell the wife about. Well, she goes out of control about how I've lied to her in our relationship, and how my lies are destroying our marriage. Seriously?

I just didn't think it was that important since the meeting never took place. Should I have told her everything speck of information? If the meeting didn't even happen is it worth even mentioning?

She also saw another email where I was just doing the whole married guy joking around thing with another friend, talking about how I've got to get out of the house soon, I'm always getting nagged, etc. Now, this was just joking with a friend, not how I seriously feel about our marriage. BUT, she took me to task over this as well, stating that I've painted her in a negative light to my friends and how she can't look them in the face or be around them again since I've done this. So, am I going crazy? Doesn't everyone vent about marriage with friends from time to time?

Any and all advice from the married women out there is much appreciated, married men (and really anyone with some good insight) is also appreciated.:bang

Don't have secrets from your wife. She must tell you everything you would want to know, and you must tell her anything she would want to know.

That's how will she be happy, so you do it.

Secondly, don't ever talk about your personal life with your wife to your real life friends. It's none of their business.

and why the hell are you lying to us? You know damn well you weren't joking about your wife nagging you. You were serious and you got caught. Otherwise, why make that type of joke? You don't talk badly, or even JOKE, or even let anyone else joke about your family like that. EVER.

Sounds to me like you aren't happy in your relationship and are thus making her unhappy.

and lastly, did you do anything to lose her trust?

She is either paranoid for no reason, crazy type of behavior...

OR

You did something that hurt her and she is taking a long time to heal from it. Trust can be broken in only one moment, but rebuilding that trust takes years sometimes.

If she's just crazy and you didn't do anything, then she needs to work on her behavior and you need to tell her whatever she wants to know. If you love her, you want to make her happy. And since she is devoting her life to you, knowing where you go and who you talk to is not a big deal.

[CuckingFunt]

Because they're paranoid fucks.

I'm consistently amused (and troubled) by the idea/assumption that women somehow own that title exclusively.

[LnGrrrR]

I certainly don't need to know that. My wife was rather controlling at first, but she's mellowed out since I've explained that it's a matter of trust. If she can't trust me to do things like you've mentioned, then I told her there was no reason to stick with me. She came to her senses. :D

[LnGrrrR]

Also, I'm going to visit friends I've had for about 8 years now, that I met in the military while stationed in San Antonio. Well, she doesn't like sleeping alone at night, and so at first she was very opposed to it. My friends gave me a hard time about it, calling me a pussy and the normal things like that (spoiler: neither of them are married or have steady girflriends! surprise) and I told them to lay off, and that I knew my wife before we married and accepted limitations.

My wife heard me tell them this, and then she let up a little, and gave me permission to go for two extra days.

[ALVAREZ6]

You should explain to her you're an honest guy (if you are) and she has nothing to worry about. She should never have your password to your email accounts, that's plain retarded.

[clambake]

she'd be really happy if she read this thread.

[angel_luv]

Don't have secrets from your wife. She must tell you everything you would want to know, and you must tell her anything she would want to know.

That's how will she be happy, so you do it.

Secondly, don't ever talk about your personal life with your wife to your real life friends. It's none of their business.

and why the hell are you lying to us? You know damn well you weren't joking about your wife nagging you. You were serious and you got caught. Otherwise, why make that type of joke? You don't talk badly, or even JOKE, or even let anyone else joke about your family like that. EVER.

Sounds to me like you aren't happy in your relationship and are thus making her unhappy.

and lastly, did you do anything to lose her trust?

She is either paranoid for no reason, crazy type of behavior...

OR

You did something that hurt her and she is taking a long time to heal from it. Trust can be broken in only one moment, but rebuilding that trust takes years sometimes.

If she's just crazy and you didn't do anything, then she needs to work on her behavior and you need to tell her whatever she wants to know. If you love her, you want to make her happy. And since she is devoting her life to you, knowing where you go and who you talk to is not a big deal.

Excellent post Miami Heat. :tu

[ALVAREZ6]

Gee I wonder why women get suspicious?? :lmao

because they are paranoid fucks

I've realized there's a lot of bashing of paranoid and controlling women in this thread, but from my experiences this phenomenon is pretty damn common in men as well. It's a human thing to want to know a lot about your partner because you don't want to be hurt or find out way too late you've been fucked over. Most people probably aren't controlling but it's common in men as well...

[LnGrrrR]

All I can say is the longer you're together, the better it gets. If you wake up and realize life would be a big fat drag if you suddenly lost your partner, then you're on the road to a good solid relationship. Keep things exciting, be supportive, and encourage one another to seek their joy!!!:toast

Good luck!!

My wife and I both express that opinion to each other every once in a while. That, and we make it a point to try to flirt at least once a day. :D

[peewee's lovechild]

I'm consistently amused (and troubled) by the idea/assumption that women somehow own that title exclusively.

It's science.

[Summers]

It's science.

Oh, no, no, no. I used to have a good friend (until her husband made her move to Oklahoma so they could live with his mom) who couldn't go out with me to have lunch and drinks without her paranoid freak of a husband calling 6 times to check on her. He even asked her why he could hear a man's voice and she was like, "Because they allow men in Appleby's!" She spent more time on the phone trying to convince him that she was having lunch with me than she spent actually having lunch with me. It was annoying as hell. I don't know why she didn't just turn off her phone.

[tp2021]

I don't know why she didn't just turn off her phone.

Wouldn't that make him suspicious?

[MiamiHeat]

Oh, no, no, no. I used to have a good friend (until her husband made her move to Oklahoma so they could live with his mom) who couldn't go out with me to have lunch and drinks without her paranoid freak of a husband calling 6 times to check on her. He even asked her why he could hear a man's voice and she was like, "Because they allow men in Appleby's!" She spent more time on the phone trying to convince him that she was having lunch with me than she spent actually having lunch with me. It was annoying as hell. I don't know why she didn't just turn off her phone.

Yeah, that is crazy. That behavior is a no-no, unacceptable.

[MiamiHeat]

Wouldn't that make him suspicious?

lmao :rollin

[peewee's lovechild]

Oh, no, no, no. I used to have a good friend (until her husband made her move to Oklahoma so they could live with his mom) who couldn't go out with me to have lunch and drinks without her paranoid freak of a husband calling 6 times to check on her. He even asked her why he could hear a man's voice and she was like, "Because they allow men in Appleby's!" She spent more time on the phone trying to convince him that she was having lunch with me than she spent actually having lunch with me. It was annoying as hell. I don't know why she didn't just turn off her phone.

:lol

I was quoting Ron Burgundy from Anchorman.

Paranoid freaks can be found on both sides. I have found, however, that women can really dig into the "psycho" basement sometimes.

Fuck, I've seen some really psycho chicks lose it sometimes.

[SpursWoman]

Oh, no, no, no. I used to have a good friend (until her husband made her move to Oklahoma so they could live with his mom) who couldn't go out with me to have lunch and drinks without her paranoid freak of a husband calling 6 times to check on her. He even asked her why he could hear a man's voice and she was like, "Because they allow men in Appleby's!" She spent more time on the phone trying to convince him that she was having lunch with me than she spent actually having lunch with me. It was annoying as hell. I don't know why she didn't just turn off her phone.


My ex-husband was like that. Fortunately, cell phones weren't that common way back then. :lol

[Bender]

with the myspace & facebook stuff going on now it's easy for spouses to have a secret life.
I've been married 16 years... my wife has friends that I am not crazy about, and is very much into the myspace thing, which she keeps it private from me.

As Mrs M said up above, the older you get the less you care. Actually she said "the longer you are together". Very true. I'm old enough now that I really don't give a crap. Married people need some space from each other, to an extent at least... Being too possesive and controlling just serves to further move two people apart.

[CuckingFunt]

It's science.

It's not, actually. Most recent science is showing that there are few, if any, genetic/biological differences between men and women that influence personality traits.

If there is any truth to the idea that women are paranoid fucks, which I don't think is the case having dated both men and women, it's due to various stereotypes and socially constructed gender norms. When women learn behavior patterns that suggest they can't/shouldn't directly speak their mind, it can create few options other than becoming paranoid and manipulative shrews.

EDIT: Meh, didn't recognize the Anchorman quote. Point still stands, though.

[BacktoBasics]

Is this chic white?

[desflood]

Paranoid freaks can be found on both sides.
You're not kidding. My husband spends almost all day every Saturday in New Braunfels with his friends and I never say boo about it. But I took too long grocery shopping on Sunday and he grilled me about it when I got home. Honestly, how many times do you have to ask the question, "Were you really shopping that whole time?" and get the same answer before you believe it? :rolleyes

[DisgruntledLionFan#54,927]

So people really give their spouses free reign with their email accounts? Isn't that kind of like getting your spouse on the line every time someone calls you? Odd.

I think your wife has every reason to be pissed. But, I still think women are bat-shit crazy.

[JoeChalupa]

So people really give their spouses free reign with their email accounts? Isn't that kind of like getting your spouse on the line every time someone calls you? Odd.

I think your wife has every reason to be pissed. But, I still think women are bat-shit crazy.

My wife has full access to my massive bank accounts so why should I worry about my e-mail? She knows my ssn#, my BD and enough where I don't feel a need to keep my email password a secret.

[JudynTX]

*Side note*

It's good that couples spend time away from each other for a while, we need a vacation from each other. :)

[JoeChalupa]

Do you keep your texting private also? I can pickup my wife's phone any time and scroll through her messages although I've never felt a need to. She saw one of my text messages saying "the eagle has landed" and just laughed.

[BacktoBasics]

You're not kidding. My husband spends almost all day every Saturday in New Braunfels with his friends and I never say boo about it. But I took too long grocery shopping on Sunday and he grilled me about it when I got home. Honestly, how many times do you have to ask the question, "Were you really shopping that whole time?" and get the same answer before you believe it? :rolleyesDude has issues.

[JoeChalupa]

*Side note*

It's good that couples spend time away from each other for a while, we need a vacation from each other. :)

Yup, we've both gone on a few overnight stays alone just to get away for some private time.

[JudynTX]

Yup, we've both gone on a few overnight stays alone just to get away for some private time.

Yea, cause you and I both know what happens when we return. :p:

It's a win-win situation for us both. :tu

[JoeChalupa]

Yea, cause you and I both know what happens when we return. :p:

It's a win-win situation for us both. :tu

Welcome home sex rocks!!!

[CuckingFunt]

I've had boy/girlfriends know my passwords and such, friends too, because there's really not much going on in my online life that I feel the need to hide or keep secret. Also because most of the people I hang around with or date aren't the type to give a fuck about snooping anyway.

If someone ever specifically asked me for the password or to read what I had been up to, though? Don't know that I could get beyond those red flags. Trust is too important to me, so I tend to bail as soon as it looks like one of us can't/won't trust the other.

[desflood]

Dude has issues.
Oh, he's a paranoid freak. Mind you, he's my paranoid freak and I love the guy more than anything else in the world, but the fact remains. :lol

[JudynTX]

Welcome home sex rocks!!!

You ain't lying!

[DisgruntledLionFan#54,927]

If someone ever specifically asked me for the password or to read what I had been up to, though? Don't know that I could get beyond those red flags. Trust is too important to me, so I tend to bail as soon as it looks like one of us can't/won't trust the other.

I know, right?

[MiamiHeat]

*Side note*

It's good that couples spend time away from each other for a while, we need a vacation from each other. :)

huh?

I've been with the love of my life for 6 and a half years now and she hates being apart from me. I never feel the need to vacation either. I guess we are just really compatible

[DarkReign]

I know, right?

:lmao x forever

[JoeChalupa]

huh?

I've been with the love of my life for 6 and a half years now and she hates being apart from me. I never feel the need to vacation either. I guess we are just really compatible

We just like to have time to ourselves sometimes. But 6 yrs ain't nothing. The most we've been apart is a few days at a time and we still talk every night.

[CuckingFunt]

I know, right?

*hairflip*

Fixed.

[koriwhat]

bitches are crazy... plain and simple.

just found out my psycho bitch ex had a kid recently... now that bitch don't need to be reproducing and man do i feel bad for whoever knocked her ass up. oh i thank god every day i never knocked her up or i would def be living in hell and not just san antonio, tx.

[DarkReign]

My wife has full access to my massive bank accounts so why should I worry about my e-mail? She knows my ssn#, my BD and enough where I don't feel a need to keep my email password a secret.

Yeah, I mean, my wife could basically destroy my very existence in this world if she ever had the inspiration to do so.

Having the password to an email account is one of the first things people must get over. Besides, I dont fucking email anyone anyway unless its work related.

I am starting to figure out why some people are single and others are not. When youre married, privacy is a very relative term. Dont expect any, really. The good times though are when it doesnt even have to be said, that I know this such-n-such is my business and my business only.

Like Spurstalk. You think my wife cruises around on here everyday, wondering what Im talking about? She could but she doesnt. I wouldnt care if she did, but I know she doesnt. She has my email info, but hasnt checked it in years.

Trust is a two way street. I trust her with that info knowing she wont abuse it. Vice versa...you dont think I have her info? I dont think I have ever looked at her email once. Probably never will. She gets weird text messages...big fucking deal!

She isnt sleeping anywhere without me. When that changes, I'll start giving a shit about her personal email/texts/whatever.

[Cane]

For your reading entertainment and pleasure, here's http://nomarriage.com/

I wish you the best in your relationship but like others have said, if it gets to the point that being with the other person isn't worth it, GTFO! With good old MTV each generation of people become more and more enthralled in a culture of discontent and you see that in the high rate of divorces thats been prevalent for a while now.

[DisgruntledLionFan#54,927]

I am starting to figure out why some people are single and others are not. When youre married, privacy is a very relative term. Dont expect any, really. The good times though are when it doesnt even have to be said, that I know this such-n-such is my business and my business only.

Two questions:

What about the privacy/business of the people on the other end?

Why not just create a dual account?

[MiamiHeat]

Two questions:

What about the privacy/business of the people on the other end?


Very simple. Take it as a package or don't confide in them. You better not be arrogant enough to think you could have 'secrets' between you, an outsider, and a husband/wife.

There are no secrets between husband and wife.

So if you want to confide in the husband, you have to take it as a package - the wife will know too and you have to accept that. If you don't like the wife, then don't tell the husband.

Someone asking for the husband/wife to keep a secret from their spouse is wrong.

[MiamiHeat]

Yeah, I mean, my wife could basically destroy my very existence in this world if she ever had the inspiration to do so.

Having the password to an email account is one of the first things people must get over. Besides, I dont fucking email anyone anyway unless its work related.

I am starting to figure out why some people are single and others are not. When youre married, privacy is a very relative term. Dont expect any, really. The good times though are when it doesnt even have to be said, that I know this such-n-such is my business and my business only.

Like Spurstalk. You think my wife cruises around on here everyday, wondering what Im talking about? She could but she doesnt. I wouldnt care if she did, but I know she doesnt. She has my email info, but hasnt checked it in years.

Trust is a two way street. I trust her with that info knowing she wont abuse it. Vice versa...you dont think I have her info? I dont think I have ever looked at her email once. Probably never will. She gets weird text messages...big fucking deal!

She isnt sleeping anywhere without me. When that changes, I'll start giving a shit about her personal email/texts/whatever.

:toast

Some people just need to grow up. If you don't want to be accountable to someone else, don't be in a relationship.

These are usually the same people who say things like
"You don't tell me what to do!"

[sonic21]

Yeah, I mean, my wife could basically destroy my very existence in this world if she ever had the inspiration to do so.

Having the password to an email account is one of the first things people must get over. Besides, I dont fucking email anyone anyway unless its work related.

I am starting to figure out why some people are single and others are not. When youre married, privacy is a very relative term. Dont expect any, really. The good times though are when it doesnt even have to be said, that I know this such-n-such is my business and my business only.

Like Spurstalk. You think my wife cruises around on here everyday, wondering what Im talking about? She could but she doesnt. I wouldnt care if she did, but I know she doesnt. She has my email info, but hasnt checked it in years.

Trust is a two way street. I trust her with that info knowing she wont abuse it. Vice versa...you dont think I have her info? I dont think I have ever looked at her email once. Probably never will. She gets weird text messages...big fucking deal!

She isnt sleeping anywhere without me. When that changes, I'll start giving a shit about her personal email/texts/whatever.

:toast

[Strike]

because they're paranoid fucks.

+10

[CuckingFunt]

Yeah, I mean, my wife could basically destroy my very existence in this world if she ever had the inspiration to do so.

Having the password to an email account is one of the first things people must get over. Besides, I dont fucking email anyone anyway unless its work related.

I am starting to figure out why some people are single and others are not. When youre married, privacy is a very relative term. Dont expect any, really. The good times though are when it doesnt even have to be said, that I know this such-n-such is my business and my business only.

Like Spurstalk. You think my wife cruises around on here everyday, wondering what Im talking about? She could but she doesnt. I wouldnt care if she did, but I know she doesnt. She has my email info, but hasnt checked it in years.

Trust is a two way street. I trust her with that info knowing she wont abuse it. Vice versa...you dont think I have her info? I dont think I have ever looked at her email once. Probably never will. She gets weird text messages...big fucking deal!

She isnt sleeping anywhere without me. When that changes, I'll start giving a shit about her personal email/texts/whatever.

For me the deciding factor is in why my partner would have that information.

As I suggested in my previous post, I'm not the type of person who has a lot of secrets in general. I don't bother. I don't do shit that I would be embarrassed or ashamed to admit, so my privacy and secrets are never an issue. Also, like I said earlier, most of the people I've dated, if the relationship got to a certain stage, have ended up with that information anyway either because they see a password scribbled somewhere or because my computer is almost always signed in to my various email accounts and message boards. It's not a big deal.

Where I have a problem is when that information is requested specifically. It's a relatively small thing, and I've got no secrets to hide, but the need/desire to read through my boring emails stands out as a pretty big sign that there are more serious trust and control issues in play.

[Strike]

(Sorry for the way too long post, just lots of stuff to get in here. Cliff notes aren't my specialty. :wakeup)

My wife and I are/were married for nearly 9 years (getting divorced now) and lived together for 2 years prior to the marriage. Throughout the entire course of that 10+ years, she was quite similar. Needed intricate details of my entire day, every word spoken to people, details on every minute spent on-line, etc. She would overreact to anything I did/said that she viewed as "not okay". Two beers in one sitting made me an alcoholic. One toke off a friend's bong (of which I very rarely partake) made me a drug addict. One loud negative comment during a Spurs/Cubs/Raiders game meant I have anger issues. One comment about anything annoying/frustrating thing she did made me an asshole. You get the idea.

I've never cheated or insinuated that I wanted to. But any time I spoke to/hung out with a female friend, the interrogations would start. Did we do anything? Did she (the friend) try anything with me? So on and so on. After 30 minutes of grilling she couldn't understand why I would be upset with her behavior.

She also hated my best friend and most of my other friends. She always accused me of talking bad about her behind her back. She would freak any time I wanted to spend time with a friend without her. She would even get suspicious of me if I would visit my parents!

One word answers to her questions were downright unacceptable. "Fine" wasn't good enough for "how was work?". "Hung out, bullshitted" wasn't enough for "what'd ya do at your friend's place?". And if I tried to elaborate my time spent away from her, it was always "What else? What are you not telling me?" It became infuriating. Again, my frustration was met with confusion and anger.

Now, I could understand her trust issues to a point because her parents divorced because of her mother's infidelity. I could even understand her hatred of my best friend (again, to a point!) because he was married to and then bitterly divorced from her sister. But this behavior never calmed down or got better. It only grew worse as the years went on.

I usually would include her when I visited with friends or famliy because I thought that would set her mind at ease. It didn't. She would just get mad because I was "leaving her out" or "ignoring her" around my friends/family. I would try to reassure her that it wasn't the case but to no avail. She would proceed to get mad and cause a scene, embarrassing me and making my friends/family uncomfortable to the point where we would have to leave.

And still, she never understood why I would get upset over her behavior.

Any time I would try to have a reasonable discussion about it, it always turned into an argument for which I was inevitably to blame. And if I tried to take off for a cool-down she would literally block the front door and wrestle me away from leaving.

Despite it all, I loved her very much and always tried to be a good husband. I wasn't always successful but I always worked hard to have a good marriage. What I ended up with was a wife who carried on an affair off and on for the better part of the past 2 and a half years. And, of course it was my fault. I pushed her away with my "anger, mental abuse (???) and 'being distant'". I forgave her for the cheating many times and tried to move past it only to find out multiple times that the affair was back on. When I finally had enough I kicked her out. Now she begs me daily to take her back and things will be better. She continually asks me why I want a divorce and accuses me of seeing someone else, cheating, etc.


Whew. Sorry to hijack the tread but I was trying to make a point in there somewhere. Oh yeah, here's my point:

If your wife has to have that much control of your life, chances are she has trust/control issues of which you may never see the end. If you truly love her then do your best to be forthcoming and honest. Do what you can to keep her mind at ease. If it doesn't help, get yourself some couples counseling and even single counseling if you can swing it.

If, despite all your efforts, things don't improve or deteriorate and it's more than you can endure, maybe you're just not right for each other. But only you and she can decide that.

I hope you and your wife can make things better and have a great relationship because I'll tell you this: ending a marriage sucks. I don't wish it on anyone.

Again, sorry for the absurdly long post and the thread hijack.

[lebomb]

My EX wife sucked................

The new one is cool though!!!!!

Basically, find a new one if the current sucks.

[tp2021]

My EX wife sucked................

The new one is cool though!!!!!

Basically, find a new one if the current sucks.

Isn't sucking a desirable trait?

[ALVAREZ6]

Strike....11 years of that shit...WTF took you so long to throw her in the shitcan? You should have ditched her way before she starting having an affair, what a hypocritical bitch.

And speaking of hypocrisies... my ex girlfriend is quite religious (christian), had a rough childhood because of her ex-preacher and pastor dad separated her mom and had affairs, hated her friend's boyfriend for cheating on her friend multiple times, and then cheated on me twice. :rolleyes Some bitches are just retarded.

[pkbpkb81]

my wife was like that we almost got divorced, but she has gotten better and i listen to her more now as well maybe you just need to sit down with her and let her tell you why she is so fucking crazy it worked for us

[MiamiHeat]

Strike....11 years of that shit...WTF took you so long to throw her in the shitcan? You should have ditched her way before she starting having an affair, what a hypocritical bitch.

And speaking of hypocrisies... my ex girlfriend is quite religious (christian), had a rough childhood because of her ex-preacher and pastor dad separated her mom and had affairs, hated her friend's boyfriend for cheating on her friend multiple times, and then cheated on me twice. :rolleyes Some bitches are just retarded.

I agree, 11 years of that? I wouldn't have even taken ONE DAY of that. At first sign of that behavior, I put her ass in her place and if it doesn't fix it, I'm gone.


By the way, how did you find out your ex-girlfriend cheated on you twice?

[ALVAREZ6]

By the way, how did you find out your ex-girlfriend cheated on you twice?
Well she hid it from me because she didn't want to lose me...it happened after we had been fighting and she got really drunk at a party on 2 separate occasions. But she finally told me 3 months later and I was extremely shocked, of all girls I've known and ever met she was the last I expected to cheat. It just shows anyone can be a shithead at any time.

[ploto]

It sounds to me like this issue has continued to escalate and each of you are contributing to making it worse. Who started it is really not the point now. The post began with a question about her needing to know every detail of your life (which she really should not) but continued with your admitting you intentionally kept something from her (which you shouldn't). When dealing with someone whom you know has trust issues, why would you keep this from her on purpose, only further feeding her issues.

She sounds like she has become controlling, but often that happens because the person is insecure and thinks you are slipping away. They figure that if they hold on tighter it will keep you there, but it actually usually does the exact opposite. It is hard to know from one side of the story- which came first. Did you give her reason to doubt- is it coming from inside her- is this getting worse all the sudden? Is she controlling of everything and other people or just you? Does she always get this upset or is it just about this one guy-- which did make me wonder just why she is so sensitive to your mentioning his name. Does he know something? Is there some reason she wants to keep you two apart? Is she really that mad about you not telling her or is she that upset about the idea of you talking to him? Is he some awful guy that generates her extreme disdain of him?

I will say, though, that bad mouthing your wife to other people is not cool. You might want to ask yourself why you are really doing it.

[IronMexican]

(Sorry for the way too long post, just lots of stuff to get in here. Cliff notes aren't my specialty. :wakeup)

My wife and I are/were married for nearly 9 years (getting divorced now) and lived together for 2 years prior to the marriage. Throughout the entire course of that 10+ years, she was quite similar. Needed intricate details of my entire day, every word spoken to people, details on every minute spent on-line, etc. She would overreact to anything I did/said that she viewed as "not okay". Two beers in one sitting made me an alcoholic. One toke off a friend's bong (of which I very rarely partake) made me a drug addict. One loud negative comment during a Spurs/Cubs/Raiders game meant I have anger issues. One comment about anything annoying/frustrating thing she did made me an asshole. You get the idea.

I

:tu


And that sucks, bro.

[DarkReign]

Two questions:

What about the privacy/business of the people on the other end?

Hmm, interesting question. I dont keep secrets from my wife about anything or anybody.

Ive had that conversation with about everyone I know. If youre telling me something, youre telling her, too.

My wife is an extremely cool and understanding woman by anyone's standards. She keeps secrets well and knows more about my friends and family than I do because they love to talk and she loves to listen (i like to do neither, btw).

What youre asking is "What about my friend sending me emails about his preparation for serving his wife the divorce papers" kind of stuff?

Thats a tough question. Me personally, I dont keep shit from my wife. I have a terrible memory and dont even bother lying because I wont remember wtf I said a week from today. I share everything and our business is our business. I have told her some pretty damning shit that Ive been told about people she cares about and shes never uttered a word.

Its because I told her in confidence and our bond is stronger than any other, period. She has never given me a reason to act otherwise.

Now, if she did let the at out of the bag once, I'd tell her in no uncertain terms "Im going to keep certain shit from you now because you cant be trusted with sensitive info".

Thats code-word for "Because I have a terrible memory, everything anyone tells me that could be used by someone we know, I am going to forget I heard it by the end of the night instead of telling you".


Why not just create a dual account?

Honestly, for my personal situation, I email exactly one person for personal reasons. An online friend who lives in Ohio. Beyond that, my 2 email addresses serve as spam deposits for purchases, offers and other meaningless shit.

If she wants to pour through the 140 junk emails I get a day, have at it. Just dont delete the shit with a receipt number, thanks. Yeah, yeah, Viagra really wants my business...go figure, eh? No, I dont want to see two girls, one cup, thank you, you can delete that.

That sort of shit. I literally, honestly and openly, have nothing to hide about my existence in life. I am very upfront and brutally honest. If she wants to know shit, I let her have the info because I dont give a shit. Her and I do not fight over big stuff, we fight over small stuff.

This isnt small stuff to us.

[DarkReign]

For me the deciding factor is in why my partner would have that information.

As I suggested in my previous post, I'm not the type of person who has a lot of secrets in general. I don't bother. I don't do shit that I would be embarrassed or ashamed to admit, so my privacy and secrets are never an issue. Also, like I said earlier, most of the people I've dated, if the relationship got to a certain stage, have ended up with that information anyway either because they see a password scribbled somewhere or because my computer is almost always signed in to my various email accounts and message boards. It's not a big deal.

Exactly. Its a natural progression in any meaningful relationship. We all put on a facade for the world and its natural for your significant other to want to see the other side more clearly.


Where I have a problem is when that information is requested specifically. It's a relatively small thing, and I've got no secrets to hide, but the need/desire to read through my boring emails stands out as a pretty big sign that there are more serious trust and control issues in play.

Yeah, that would be awkward indeed. I dont pretend to know or read about your dating habits, Funt, and youre obviously very intelligent so this may be extremely apparent, but...

I have been with the same person since 1998, I was 18 years old. I really dont know what different people are like in different relationships. I am constantly amazed by what my friends and family tolerate in their relationships and what they find acceptable and unacceptable.

If someone is asking for that info from you and I was in your shoes, it would depend on how I feel about them, do I trust them, how long have we been together and maybe most importantly, is there a future with this person.

If its a short relationship (under one year), I'd blow that person off immediately. Like you said, weird, unpredictable control issues.

If I dont see a future with this person, hell no. What I mean by future is at the least, living together and that whole shared experience debacle.

If those two questions are "No", then you have to seriously consider what youre even doing with them in the first place. If its a booty-thing, thats cool, its time to end it after they ask. If it isnt and you think you have a future together, then youre going to have to try and take the dive and risk getting your heartbroken over a simple email privacy issue.

Thats love, it hurts sometimes. Just my opinion.

[Strike]

Strike....11 years of that shit...WTF took you so long to throw her in the shitcan? You should have ditched her way before she starting having an affair, what a hypocritical bitch.

My parents are polar opposites. Dad used to drink, mom smokes. Dad is agnostic, mom is Lutheran. Mom is "glass half empty", Dad is "glass half full". Like I said, polar opposites. They've been married for 40 years and are completely devoted to each other. I figured if two people like that can make it work, so could I.

I wanted to believe that I could really make it work. I wanted to believe she really could change and be a trustworthy, stable, honorable. The deal breaker was when I caught her texting her "boyfriend" while they were making plans to see each other while I was at work. I sat her down and told her she had two choices:

1. She could end it once and for all and I would put everything behind us and we could start with a clean slate.
2. She could go see him and everything was over.

She chose 2. She went off to see her "boyfriend" and left me at home to have a near-breakdown. The second she made her choice, I knew it was 100% over. When she returned home (after being stood up :lol) I told her that I was done and she needed to move out. She spent the next few months begging me to change my mind but she did move out. I offered her everything in the house with the exception of the stuff in my TV room/bedroom. She took most of it. She says she wants me back but she won't fight the divorce or seek alimony.

It's been almost a month to the day since she moved out and already I feel better both physically and psychologically. My work has improved and people have told me that they can see I'm losing weight. I'm not going to say I never miss her because I sometimes do. But I'd rather be occasionally lonely than continuously angry.

[Strike]

:tu

Bandwagon fan since 1982.

[Strike]

I agree, 11 years of that? I wouldn't have even taken ONE DAY of that. At first sign of that behavior, I put her ass in her place and if it doesn't fix it, I'm gone.

Ya live, ya learn. I'm now a zero tolerance motherfucker.

[ALVAREZ6]

My parents are polar opposites. Dad used to drink, mom smokes. Dad is agnostic, mom is Lutheran. Mom is "glass half empty", Dad is "glass half full". Like I said, polar opposites. They've been married for 40 years and are completely devoted to each other. I figured if two people like that can make it work, so could I.

I wanted to believe that I could really make it work. I wanted to believe she really could change and be a trustworthy, stable, honorable. The deal breaker was when I caught her texting her "boyfriend" while they were making plans to see each other while I was at work. I sat her down and told her she had two choices:

1. She could end it once and for all and I would put everything behind us and we could start with a clean slate.
2. She could go see him and everything was over.

She chose 2. She went off to see her "boyfriend" and left me at home to have a near-breakdown. The second she made her choice, I knew it was 100% over. When she returned home (after being stood up :lol) I told her that I was done and she needed to move out. She spent the next few months begging me to change my mind but she did move out. I offered her everything in the house with the exception of the stuff in my TV room/bedroom. She took most of it. She says she wants me back but she won't fight the divorce or seek alimony.

It's been almost a month to the day since she moved out and already I feel better both physically and psychologically. My work has improved and people have told me that they can see I'm losing weight. I'm not going to say I never miss her because I sometimes do. But I'd rather be occasionally lonely than continuously angry.
Good for you dude, she clearly was retarded in her decision, and good luck!

[peewee's lovechild]

It's not, actually. Most recent science is showing that there are few, if any, genetic/biological differences between men and women that influence personality traits.

If there is any truth to the idea that women are paranoid fucks, which I don't think is the case having dated both men and women, it's due to various stereotypes and socially constructed gender norms. When women learn behavior patterns that suggest they can't/shouldn't directly speak their mind, it can create few options other than becoming paranoid and manipulative shrews.

EDIT: Meh, didn't recognize the Anchorman quote. Point still stands, though.


Ugh . . . fucking chill.

[peewee's lovechild]

You're not kidding. My husband spends almost all day every Saturday in New Braunfels with his friends and I never say boo about it. But I took too long grocery shopping on Sunday and he grilled me about it when I got home. Honestly, how many times do you have to ask the question, "Were you really shopping that whole time?" and get the same answer before you believe it? :rolleyes

I always thought you were a dude.

Or, are you guys a gay couple?

[desflood]

I always thought you were a dude.
Is that so?

I wonder why.

[peewee's lovechild]

Is that so?

I wonder why.

I have no idea.

I just always thought you were a dude.

[peewee's lovechild]

It's like finding out that Extra Stout is a chick.

I think he's a dude.

[Dr. Gonzo]

Strike....11 years of that shit...WTF took you so long to throw her in the shitcan? You should have ditched her way before she starting having an affair, what a hypocritical bitch.

And speaking of hypocrisies... my ex girlfriend is quite religious (christian), had a rough childhood because of her ex-preacher and pastor dad separated her mom and had affairs, hated her friend's boyfriend for cheating on her friend multiple times, and then cheated on me twice. :rolleyes Some bitches are just retarded.

Is this your ex?
http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h290/midgetonadonkey/alvarezbw4.jpg

[Ballcox]

Wow, lots of great responses and feedback on this thread. Thanks much for all the info from personal experiences.

Since my original post/thread start, had a sit down with the wife and we were able to really talk things out some. First off, some carification. I think I portrayed my wife as wanting to know everything all the time, and that's not really the case. She is cool with time I spend with friends, and we do things together with other couples that we both enjoy.

I think what I failed to realize is that I have a tendency to hide what I consider small things from her, things which I consider irrelevant but she doesn't view the same way. And perception for most people = reality. Her perception of the comments I made to a friend in an email were different than my perception that I was just blowing of steam/venting about marriage. I have to understand and appreciate her perception of those comments.

She was also willing to admit that she does have a tendency to over-react and get angry at times, and that this anger can be very counter-productive to working out problems in the marriage. So, one thing we agreed to do was sit down every Sunday for at least an hour or so and talk about the state of our marriage. Are we communicating? Are we spending enought time together? Do we reinforce our emotional connection to each other?

I think this can go a long way towards increasing her security in the marriage and me making sure I am communicating information to her that even if I think is irrelevant, might be important to her.

To answer some other questions, my wife is white. Outside of my email account, which she has access to, I don't own a cell phone so I don't make calls or text anyone-so that's not really an issue. I guess the last answer would be I don't care how many other women are out there, I'm committed to my wife and our 3 kids. I'll go to hell and back before I leave this marriage or this family. I also find it interesting in marriage that you continue to find new hurdles to clear, often times hurdles you never saw coming at you. I guess that's also part of the fun.:lol

[CosmicCowboy]

so how was the makeup sex?

[Dr.Phil]

Ballcox you made the right move by talking to your wife and letting her know how you feel for communication, positive or negative, is a key factor to successful marriages. Your honesty is also very important. :tu

[Summers]

Wow, lots of great responses and feedback on this thread. Thanks much for all the info from personal experiences.

Since my original post/thread start, had a sit down with the wife and we were able to really talk things out some. First off, some carification. I think I portrayed my wife as wanting to know everything all the time, and that's not really the case. She is cool with time I spend with friends, and we do things together with other couples that we both enjoy.

I think what I failed to realize is that I have a tendency to hide what I consider small things from her, things which I consider irrelevant but she doesn't view the same way. And perception for most people = reality. Her perception of the comments I made to a friend in an email were different than my perception that I was just blowing of steam/venting about marriage. I have to understand and appreciate her perception of those comments.

She was also willing to admit that she does have a tendency to over-react and get angry at times, and that this anger can be very counter-productive to working out problems in the marriage. So, one thing we agreed to do was sit down every Sunday for at least an hour or so and talk about the state of our marriage. Are we communicating? Are we spending enought time together? Do we reinforce our emotional connection to each other?

I think this can go a long way towards increasing her security in the marriage and me making sure I am communicating information to her that even if I think is irrelevant, might be important to her.

To answer some other questions, my wife is white. Outside of my email account, which she has access to, I don't own a cell phone so I don't make calls or text anyone-so that's not really an issue. I guess the last answer would be I don't care how many other women are out there, I'm committed to my wife and our 3 kids. I'll go to hell and back before I leave this marriage or this family. I also find it interesting in marriage that you continue to find new hurdles to clear, often times hurdles you never saw coming at you. I guess that's also part of the fun.:lol

Good for you! Y'all are going to be fine if you keep the lines of communication open. :)

[Ballcox]

First, the makeup sex. Out of sight my man!

Second, thanks for the props Dr. Phil. You support means everything to me.:lol

[LnGrrrR]

Agreed, communication is neck and neck with trust for the most important aspects of marriage, IMHO.

[2Blonde]

Any and all advice from the married women out there is much appreciated, married men (and really anyone with some good insight) is also appreciated.:bang


My main question is this: do you need to know everything, and I mean everything about your husband?

NO.


I set a date to meet with my friend on a Friday recently, but just don't really think about telling the wife immediately (also knowing she'll likely get somewhat angry about this meeting).

You had to know this wasn't going to turn out well. there are only 3 scenarios I can think of and none of them are good. One, she finds out on her own which makes you look like you're hiding something. Two she finds out from you and the anticipated argument begins. Three she never finds out and you successfully withheld something from her and became a liar.


Turns out that I have something come up and cancel the meeting, since the meeting didn't happen I don't think it's that important to tell the wife about. Well, she goes out of control about how I've lied to her in our relationship, and how my lies are destroying our marriage. Seriously?

I just didn't think it was that important since the meeting never took place. Should I have told her everything speck of information? If the meeting didn't even happen is it worth even mentioning?

In a case where she has made it clear she would have a negative reaction then ,yeah, it's worth mentioning.


She also saw another email where I was just doing the whole married guy joking around thing with another friend, talking about how I've got to get out of the house soon, I'm always getting nagged, etc. Now, this was just joking with a friend, not how I seriously feel about our marriage. BUT, she took me to task over this as well, stating that I've painted her in a negative light to my friends and how she can't look them in the face or be around them again since I've done this. So, am I going crazy? Doesn't everyone vent about marriage with friends from time to time?

You ARE painting her in a negative light showing her disrespect. That is one of those things we don't usually make a huge deal out of if the rest of the relationship is good.

[Road House Captain]

So, I mention to my wife that I'm thinking about contacting him to find out why he hasn't communicated with me in so long. Now, I've given my wife my password to my email account so she can read any transactions that take place. I set a date to meet with my friend on a Friday recently, but just don't really think about telling the wife immediately (also knowing she'll likely get somewhat angry about this meeting).


You're whipped man. Anything you get from her is deserved. Look at me, I fucked the doc in my bedroom above the old guy's barn while Jackie Treehorn was watching across the pond. That's living man.

[Road House Captain]

(Sorry for the way too long post, just lots of stuff to get in here. Cliff notes aren't my specialty. :wakeup)

My wife and I are/were married for nearly 9 years (getting divorced now) and lived together for 2 years prior to the marriage. Throughout the entire course of that 10+ years, she was quite similar. Needed intricate details of my entire day, every word spoken to people, details on every minute spent on-line, etc. She would overreact to anything I did/said that she viewed as "not okay". Two beers in one sitting made me an alcoholic. One toke off a friend's bong (of which I very rarely partake) made me a drug addict. One loud negative comment during a Spurs/Cubs/Raiders game meant I have anger issues. One comment about anything annoying/frustrating thing she did made me an asshole. You get the idea.

I've never cheated or insinuated that I wanted to. But any time I spoke to/hung out with a female friend, the interrogations would start. Did we do anything? Did she (the friend) try anything with me? So on and so on. After 30 minutes of grilling she couldn't understand why I would be upset with her behavior.

She also hated my best friend and most of my other friends. She always accused me of talking bad about her behind her back. She would freak any time I wanted to spend time with a friend without her. She would even get suspicious of me if I would visit my parents!

One word answers to her questions were downright unacceptable. "Fine" wasn't good enough for "how was work?". "Hung out, bullshitted" wasn't enough for "what'd ya do at your friend's place?". And if I tried to elaborate my time spent away from her, it was always "What else? What are you not telling me?" It became infuriating. Again, my frustration was met with confusion and anger.

Now, I could understand her trust issues to a point because her parents divorced because of her mother's infidelity. I could even understand her hatred of my best friend (again, to a point!) because he was married to and then bitterly divorced from her sister. But this behavior never calmed down or got better. It only grew worse as the years went on.

I usually would include her when I visited with friends or famliy because I thought that would set her mind at ease. It didn't. She would just get mad because I was "leaving her out" or "ignoring her" around my friends/family. I would try to reassure her that it wasn't the case but to no avail. She would proceed to get mad and cause a scene, embarrassing me and making my friends/family uncomfortable to the point where we would have to leave.

And still, she never understood why I would get upset over her behavior.

Any time I would try to have a reasonable discussion about it, it always turned into an argument for which I was inevitably to blame. And if I tried to take off for a cool-down she would literally block the front door and wrestle me away from leaving.

Despite it all, I loved her very much and always tried to be a good husband. I wasn't always successful but I always worked hard to have a good marriage. What I ended up with was a wife who carried on an affair off and on for the better part of the past 2 and a half years. And, of course it was my fault. I pushed her away with my "anger, mental abuse (???) and 'being distant'". I forgave her for the cheating many times and tried to move past it only to find out multiple times that the affair was back on. When I finally had enough I kicked her out. Now she begs me daily to take her back and things will be better. She continually asks me why I want a divorce and accuses me of seeing someone else, cheating, etc.


Whew. Sorry to hijack the tread but I was trying to make a point in there somewhere. Oh yeah, here's my point:

If your wife has to have that much control of your life, chances are she has trust/control issues of which you may never see the end. If you truly love her then do your best to be forthcoming and honest. Do what you can to keep her mind at ease. If it doesn't help, get yourself some couples counseling and even single counseling if you can swing it.

If, despite all your efforts, things don't improve or deteriorate and it's more than you can endure, maybe you're just not right for each other. But only you and she can decide that.

I hope you and your wife can make things better and have a great relationship because I'll tell you this: ending a marriage sucks. I don't wish it on anyone.

Again, sorry for the absurdly long post and the thread hijack.

Thanks for sharing bro, the world is a fucked up place. Life is too short for us to fuck with women that are insane like the one you're speaking of. You should've dropped her a long time ago.

Come on down to the Road House anytime and we can talk. Beer is on me.

[Road House Captain]

Wow, lots of great responses and feedback on this thread. Thanks much for all the info from personal experiences.

Since my original post/thread start, had a sit down with the wife and we were able to really talk things out some. First off, some carification. I think I portrayed my wife as wanting to know everything all the time, and that's not really the case. She is cool with time I spend with friends, and we do things together with other couples that we both enjoy.

I think what I failed to realize is that I have a tendency to hide what I consider small things from her, things which I consider irrelevant but she doesn't view the same way. And perception for most people = reality. Her perception of the comments I made to a friend in an email were different than my perception that I was just blowing of steam/venting about marriage. I have to understand and appreciate her perception of those comments.

She was also willing to admit that she does have a tendency to over-react and get angry at times, and that this anger can be very counter-productive to working out problems in the marriage. So, one thing we agreed to do was sit down every Sunday for at least an hour or so and talk about the state of our marriage. Are we communicating? Are we spending enought time together? Do we reinforce our emotional connection to each other?

I think this can go a long way towards increasing her security in the marriage and me making sure I am communicating information to her that even if I think is irrelevant, might be important to her.

To answer some other questions, my wife is white. Outside of my email account, which she has access to, I don't own a cell phone so I don't make calls or text anyone-so that's not really an issue. I guess the last answer would be I don't care how many other women are out there, I'm committed to my wife and our 3 kids. I'll go to hell and back before I leave this marriage or this family. I also find it interesting in marriage that you continue to find new hurdles to clear, often times hurdles you never saw coming at you. I guess that's also part of the fun.:lol

You fucking think?

Look at this:


And honestly, I don't really remember all the specific details of my day to day activities. Sometimes I'll have a phone conversation with my mom and she wants to know everything we talked about. I'll sum it up in a few minutes, but then I can see her getting upset because maybe I'm not telling her everything. Damn! It's just frustrating as hell, I can't remember every detail I discuss with my mother.

How the hell can one exaggerate this?

[2Blonde]

I also find it interesting in marriage that you continue to find new hurdles to clear, often times hurdles you never saw coming at you. I guess that's also part of the fun.

My husband always says he/we are like books being written, so there will always be a few chapters I/we haven't read yet. I think that's what gives us the opportunity to grow. Exploring the growth of our relationship and each other, as individuals,:toast is part of the fun.

[angel_luv]

Wow, lots of great responses and feedback on this thread. Thanks much for all the info from personal experiences.

Since my original post/thread start, had a sit down with the wife and we were able to really talk things out some. First off, some carification. I think I portrayed my wife as wanting to know everything all the time, and that's not really the case. She is cool with time I spend with friends, and we do things together with other couples that we both enjoy.

I think what I failed to realize is that I have a tendency to hide what I consider small things from her, things which I consider irrelevant but she doesn't view the same way. And perception for most people = reality. Her perception of the comments I made to a friend in an email were different than my perception that I was just blowing of steam/venting about marriage. I have to understand and appreciate her perception of those comments.

She was also willing to admit that she does have a tendency to over-react and get angry at times, and that this anger can be very counter-productive to working out problems in the marriage. So, one thing we agreed to do was sit down every Sunday for at least an hour or so and talk about the state of our marriage. Are we communicating? Are we spending enought time together? Do we reinforce our emotional connection to each other?

I think this can go a long way towards increasing her security in the marriage and me making sure I am communicating information to her that even if I think is irrelevant, might be important to her.

To answer some other questions, my wife is white. Outside of my email account, which she has access to, I don't own a cell phone so I don't make calls or text anyone-so that's not really an issue. I guess the last answer would be I don't care how many other women are out there, I'm committed to my wife and our 3 kids. I'll go to hell and back before I leave this marriage or this family. I also find it interesting in marriage that you continue to find new hurdles to clear, often times hurdles you never saw coming at you. I guess that's also part of the fun.:lol

Awesome! I am so glad you guys worked things out. :) Good for you!

[angel_luv]

My husband always says he/we are like books being written, so there will always be a few chapters I/we haven't read yet. I think that's what gives us the opportunity to grow. Exploring the growth of our relationship and each other, as individuals,:toast is part of the fun.

Great analogy. :tu

[LnGrrrR]

My husband always says he/we are like books being written, so there will always be a few chapters I/we haven't read yet. I think that's what gives us the opportunity to grow. Exploring the growth of our relationship and each other, as individuals,:toast is part of the fun.

I heard a fun analogy while playing Fallout 3 the other day. "My husband said that our marriage is like music; even when you can't hear the song, you still have the strings." Or something like that. :D