TastesLikeChicken
03-31-2005, 01:20 PM
I only met Mitch once, in St Paul, MN. But he seemed like a good guy, took the time to give a young comic some advice and seemed to have a good outlook on life. In a comedy club world full of hacks and imitators who just go up and do impressions of comedians that they've seen on TV, Mitch was about as original as they come.
Mitch-isms
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As if there's any other way to take it in.
2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
bigzak25
03-31-2005, 01:26 PM
that's good stuff...he will be missed. is should have bought his cd before, but i'm sure i will now...kinda like stephen wright style, but funnier, imo.
more good stuff....a couple repeats, but some are just classic...Godbless him.
* Because of [dropping] acid, I know now that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.
* I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut...I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I'll just give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut...Some skeptical friend, don’t even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here...oh wait it's back home in the file...under "D", for doughnut.
* I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah, reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like mine.
* I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
* I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
* I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again" because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, 'c'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
* I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
* I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill...
* I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut 'em up."
* I saw a six pack of soda-pop for $1.20. That price fucks with your head, man. Because then I thought that I would start selling soda-pop. Suddenly I got things of pop with me. "What's going on, Mitch." "Not much, looking to buy some pop? Fifty cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half assed commitment."
* If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
* That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "Its cool, he's with me."
* You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that corn, they should call every other version corn off the cob. It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it Mitch. Then reattach it and call me Mitch-all-together...
* I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify.
* I went to the store to buy a candle-holder, but they were out. So I bought a cake.
* Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
* I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."
* I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so I crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...
* ...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
* I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?
* I type at 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
* I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.
* I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
* One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera...
* My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first...
* ...Every time I go and shave I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say "I'm gonna go shave too"
* Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker, this thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something up"
* My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
* On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at...
* I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
* An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see a escalator temporarily outta order sign, just escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience... we appologize for the fact that you can still get up there"
* I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too...I tried to taste it, but it did not work...
* 2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
* I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...
* I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
* I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...
* This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.
* I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
* I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
* I played golf...I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...
* ...You're supposed to yell 'fore' but I kept thinking there ain't no way that's gonna hit him.
* I have a friend who is a juggler. When I go to his house I don't like to take food from him if it is in threes. "He has three apples left...I guess I can't have one"
* At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."
* My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."
* I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
* I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
* If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable...
* I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "What" and turn my head slightly...
* I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough"
* I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."
* I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere..."
* My friend said to me "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No man, perhaps it is not the weather that is trippy, it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy..." then I thought, man, I should have just said, 'yeah...'
* Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several...simultaneously with two other guys.
* I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
* The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.
* A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
* I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that...day.
* I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
* I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
* My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."
* I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.
* People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
* In England Smoky the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought 'man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog...' You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, al-right. Maybe he'll come near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16 ounce world.
* Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.
* I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
* When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish....the Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufranes.
* I hate turtle necks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtle neck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy... all day. And if you wear a turtle neck and a back pack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
* I tried to throw away a yo-yo. It was fucking impossible.
TastesLikeChicken
03-31-2005, 02:21 PM
http://www.twincities.com/mld/twincities/news/breaking_news/11278099.htm
Comedian Mitch Hedberg dead at 37
BY MATT PEIKEN
Pioneer Press
Even family and close friends had a hard time understanding Mitch Hedberg, a St. Paul native who ran away from home and, despite living a scattershot life, became a runaway success as a standup comic.
Hedberg, whose space-case persona was as much part of his soul as it was his act, died early Wednesday morning in a New Jersey hotel room. He was 37. A medical examiner hasn't issued findings, but Hedberg's family is told he suffered a heart attack. His wife was with him.
After graduating St. Paul's Harding High School, Hedberg rose through the ranks at Minneapolis' Acme Comedy Co., and caught his big break through a Comedy Central special. He made several appearances on David Letterman's and Conan O'Brien's shows, made more Comedy Central appearances and produced two comedy CDs. His big dream, to have an HBO comedy special, was in the works.
Hedberg's one-liners, dished off in a spacy staccato, were based on absurdist, random observations. His long, dirty blond hair harkened to the image of a 1970s stoner, and his success occurred in light of, in spite of and even because of his quarter-century affair with drugs and alcohol.
"I'd probably be living in Costa Rica, eating oranges on the beach, if I wasn't doing comedy," he told the Pioneer Press last September.
"There's no two ways about — having a son in entertainment industry is challenging," his mother, Mary Hedberg, said Thursday.
She recalls being at work when her oldest daughter called in a panic to tell her Mitch had packed some brown paper bags and left home. Mary Hedberg couldn't get home in time to either see him off or talk him out of it.
"That was heartbreaking for us, but he kept in contact with us. He called as soon as the car broke down," she said. "You know, it was like putting him through college, even though he wasn't at college. But when he got his first break, we were just so thrilled for him, because we wanted him to know he was O.K., and to have that self-confidence that he could do what he wanted to do."
Louis Lee, owner of the Acme, said Hedberg not only became the Twin Cities' first breakout comedian of the 1990s but, along with Lewis Black, helped shape a national resurgence in standup comedy.
"It's very difficult for one-liner comedians to get an audience going, but when Mitch worked here, you could see the kids call out the punchline," Lee said. "Mitch made the whole comedy community realize how important good writing is. It's a huge loss."
Unlike many comics, Hedberg was demonstrably thankful to his fans. Not long ago, a group of college students in Florida, speaking with Hedberg backstage after a show, mentioned how hot their dorm room was. Hedberg surprised them the next morning by showing up to their dorm with a new air conditioner.
"Mitch presented a lot of challenges, but a lot of opportunities for traveling that we wouldn't have otherwise had, and he had a heart of gold," his mother said. "He was a brilliant comic and a wonderful person."
Dates haven't been set, but eventual visitation and services will be at Wulff Family Services, Woodlane Mortuary, in Woodbury.
Matt Peiken can be reached at 651-228-5440 or
[email protected].
GINNNNNNNNNNNNOBILI
03-31-2005, 04:07 PM
yea, he was my favorite comedian too, i was just talking abouut him yesterday, saying how if he ever comes to san antonio, i'd have to go see him.
But look on howardstern.com or search his name on yahoo, and it will tell you about his death, it was just posted like 30 minutes ago, it said he died of a heart attack.
GINNNNNNNNNNNNOBILI
03-31-2005, 04:16 PM
"I get the Reece's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating a Reece's and some guy named Reece comes up to you and says let me have that. You better give it to him. I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you."
mouse
03-31-2005, 11:06 PM
His stuff was funny.
A lot of his humor was the type that reminded me of stuff you when say to friends when you were a little. . .ahem. . .high. . .
Things like "If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up." Who else but someone whose stoned would come up with that???
Psssssst ! that was not that funny.
but that is coming from another comic ..........
http://www.mailbling.com/ken04.jpg
TastesLikeChicken
04-01-2005, 12:18 AM
Hey TLC you knew a day before the press, who was your connection?
We share a mutual friend, whom I got a frantic e-mail from Wednesday afternoon. But I couldn't find any news sources that knew anything about it yesterday, so I was holding on to a little hope that it might be a bad joke turned rumor, too bad it wasn't.
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