The Best Joke Ever

[DUNCANownsKOBE2]

So there's a family with a dad, mom, and one son. One morning, after the mom kisses her husband good bye and sees her son get on the bus, she invites a man she's having an affair with over. While they're doing their thing in her room, the child comes home earlier than expected and hides in her closet to watch. Then, shortly after, she here's her husband getting home earlier than expected. She hides her lover in the closet until he can sneak out, not knowing her son is in the closet.

The son then proceeds to say, "It's dark in here."

The lover says, "Yes it is."

Son: "I have a baseball"

Lover: "That's nice"

Son: "Do you wanna buy my baseball?"

Lover: "No."

Son: "You know my dad is right outside, right?"

Lover (realizing what's going on): "Fine, I'll buy your baseball, how much?"

Son: "$150"

Lover: "Ok, you're really pissing me off, but I don't have a choice."


A few weeks later the same thing happens, and the son and lover end up in the closet again.

Son: "It's dark in here"

Lover: "Yes it is"

Son: "I have a baseball glove, do you wanna buy it?"

Lover (remembering what happened): "Sure I guess, how much?"

Son: "$350"

Lover: "Damn, you're getting a steal, but I guess you hold all the cards."


The weekend the dad says to the son, "Grab you glove and ball, we're gonna go play some catch."

Son: "I can't, I sold my glove and ball."

Dad: "How much did you sell them for?"

Son: "$500"

Dad: "I raised you better than that, you can't be ripping your friends off like this. Tomorrow, you're going to confession, and hopefully you get forgiven.

So they go to confession, and while the son enters the confession booth the dad waits outside.

Son: "It's dark in here"

Priest: "CUT THAT OUT YOU LITTLE SHIT, YOU'RE IN MY CLOSET NOW!!!"

[tp2021]

Meh

[Muser]

...No

[thispego]

This is the only funny part about that joke


So there's a family with a dad, mom, and one son. One morning, after the mom kisses her husband good bye and sees her son get on the bus, she invites a man she's having an affair with over. While they're doing their thing in her room, the child comes home earlier than expected and hides in her closet to watch. Then, shortly after, she here's her husband getting home earlier than expected. She hides her lover in the closet until he can sneak out, not knowing her son is in the closet.

The son then proceeds to say, "It's dark in here."

The lover says, "Yes it is."

Son: "I have a baseball"

Lover: "That's nice"

Son: "Do you wanna buy my baseball?"

Lover: "No."

Son: "You know my dad is right outside, right?"

Lover (realizing what's going on): "Fine, I'll buy your baseball, how much?"

Son: "$150"

Lover: "Ok, you're really pissing me off, but I don't have a choice."


A few weeks later the same thing happens, and the son and lover end up in the closet again.

Son: "It's dark in here"

Lover: "Yes it is"

Son: "I have a baseball glove, do you wanna buy it?"

Lover (remembering what happened): "Sure I guess, how much?"

Son: "$350"

Lover: "Damn, you're getting a steal, but I guess you hold all the cards."


The weekend the dad says to the son, "Grab you glove and ball, we're gonna go play some catch."

Son: "I can't, I sold my glove and ball."

Dad: "How much did you sell them for?"

Son: "$500"

Dad: "I raised you better than that, you can't be ripping your friends off like this. Tomorrow, you're going to confession, and hopefully you get forgiven.

So they go to confession, and while the son enters the confession booth the dad waits outside.

Son: "It's dark in here"

Priest: "CUT THAT OUT YOU LITTLE SHIT, YOU'RE IN MY CLOSET NOW!!!"

[J.T.]

I was waiting for the fresh prince punchline and it never came.

[J.T.]

Hey DoK, brah, did you hear about that one party?

[manufan10]

:lol

[DUNCANownsKOBE2]

Guess it's only funny when you're drunk the first time you hear it :lol

And what are you talking about JT?

[Mr.Bottomtooth]

The best joke ever:

Women's rights.

[DUNCANownsKOBE2]

The best joke ever:

Women's rights.

touche.

For people who have never heard it, this one's a lot better in person.

[Spursfan092120]

Two cannibals are eating a clown...one of them looks up at the other one and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

[Spursfan092120]

What do you get when you cross PMS with a GPS?

A crazy bitch who WILL FIND YOU!

[DUNCANownsKOBE2]

Two cannibals are eating a clown...one of them looks up at the other one and says "Does this taste funny to you?"


I'm pretty sure I read this on a Popsicle stick :lol

[baseline bum]

What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?

-- A brunette with bad breath.

[Spursfan092120]

I'm pretty sure I read this on a Popsicle stick :lol
lol...never read it on a popsicle stick. If so, it'd be the funniest damn joke I ever read on a popsicle stick..those are usually horrible.

[Spursfan092120]

What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?

-- A brunette with bad breath.
:wow:wow

[Spursfan092120]

Alex Rodriguez never gets clutch hits in October, yet his fans insist on comparing him to Babe Ruth. So A-Rod tries to get as close as he can to Ruth-type achievements. Before the playoffs last year, A-Rod went to a hospital and promised a dying kid that he'd ground out to second Base for him. And I was at the game, people, it's true - A-Rod pointed to second Base.

[Spursfan092120]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

[Spursfan092120]

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"

[Slomo]

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"

:lmao

[IronMexican]

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"

:lol Pretty damn funny.

[ShoogarBear]

No, you don't understand . . . Chunks is my dog!

[Strike]

A grasshopper walks into a bar, sits on a stool, attempts to order a drink. Bartender says "hey, I got a drink named after you."

Grasshopper says "you have a drink named Steve?"

[tp2021]

The best joke ever:

Women's rights.

How many militant feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?




Two. One to change the lightbulb, and one to suck my dick.

[holcs50]

What's Moby Dick's Fathers name????

Papa Boner


What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasaurass


What do you call a lesbian dinosaur

Lickalotapuss


Wow those are all so damn old, can't believe I remember them

[DUNCANownsKOBE2]

What do a priest and a T-bag have in common?
They both go in and out.

What does an alter boy and an ambulance truck have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear.

What does an alter boy and Tracy McGrady have in common?
They both always complain about their knees hurting

What does a priest and an old man in a parking spot have in common?
They both pull out slowly.

[Trainwreck2100]

What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?

-- A brunette with bad breath.

i don't get it

[Fpoonsie]

What do a fat, insecure white girl and a brick have in common?

Eventually, they'll both get laid by a Mexican.

[J.T.]

Guess it's only funny when you're drunk the first time you hear it :lol

And what are you talking about JT?

Did you hear about that one party? It's not that hard a question.

[thispego]

What do a priest and a T-bag have in common?
They both go in and out.

What does an alter boy and an ambulance truck have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear.

What does an alter boy and Tracy McGrady have in common?
They both always complain about their knees hurting

What does a priest and an old man in a parking spot have in common?
They both pull out slowly.

did a priest touch you when you were little or something?

[PuttPutt]

What does a tight rope walker and a man getting oral sex from a 90 year old woman gave in common? Neither look down.

[Spursfan092120]

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

[Spursfan092120]

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

[DUNCANownsKOBE2]

did a priest touch you when you were little or something?


I'm Jewish brah, you pissed off at priest jokes :lol

[pawe]

How do you stop a dog from fucking your leg?
- Suck his dick.

[fotan2]

Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth.

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Today, I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging her hips, wearing pratically nothing. About four feet from me, she trips on the edge of the floor mat, and uses my 'junk' to catch herself.

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Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired.

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Today, I was driving on the freeway when I get a call from my friend explaining that our two best friends died in a car accident. I pulled over in hysterics and a cop came to see what was wrong. I explained what happened and he gave me a ticket for talking on the phone while driving.
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Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw me he simply said, "April Fool's!" It's March 19th.

[da_suns_fan]

So there's a family with a dad, mom, and one son. One morning, after the mom kisses her husband good bye and sees her son get on the bus, she invites a man she's having an affair with over. While they're doing their thing in her room, the child comes home earlier than expected and hides in her closet to watch. Then, shortly after, she here's her husband getting home earlier than expected. She hides her lover in the closet until he can sneak out, not knowing her son is in the closet.

The son then proceeds to say, "It's dark in here."

The lover says, "Yes it is."

Son: "I have a baseball"

Lover: "That's nice"

Son: "Do you wanna buy my baseball?"

Lover: "No."

Son: "You know my dad is right outside, right?"

Lover (realizing what's going on): "Fine, I'll buy your baseball, how much?"

Son: "$150"

Lover: "Ok, you're really pissing me off, but I don't have a choice."


A few weeks later the same thing happens, and the son and lover end up in the closet again.

Son: "It's dark in here"

Lover: "Yes it is"

Son: "I have a baseball glove, do you wanna buy it?"

Lover (remembering what happened): "Sure I guess, how much?"

Son: "$350"

Lover: "Damn, you're getting a steal, but I guess you hold all the cards."


The weekend the dad says to the son, "Grab you glove and ball, we're gonna go play some catch."

Son: "I can't, I sold my glove and ball."

Dad: "How much did you sell them for?"

Son: "$500"

Dad: "I raised you better than that, you can't be ripping your friends off like this. Tomorrow, you're going to confession, and hopefully you get forgiven.

So they go to confession, and while the son enters the confession booth the dad waits outside.

Son: "It's dark in here"

Priest: "CUT THAT OUT YOU LITTLE SHIT, YOU'RE IN MY CLOSET NOW!!!"

Lame.

[da_suns_fan]

Two cannibals are eating a clown...one of them looks up at the other one and says "Does this taste funny to you?"


Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"


A grasshopper walks into a bar, sits on a stool, attempts to order a drink. Bartender says "hey, I got a drink named after you."

Grasshopper says "you have a drink named Steve?"


A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

These were all pretty funny.

[Fpoonsie]

Make sure to read this to yourself aloud (quietly, if need be), complete w/ the accents or this joke holds no weight whatsoever

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...
"SUPPLIES!!"

[manufan10]

Make sure to read this to yourself aloud (quietly, if need be), complete w/ the accents or this joke holds no weight whatsoever

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...
"SUPPLIES!!"

:lmao

That was pretty damn funny!

:lol

[lebomb]

This guy walks into a diner..............sits down and over comes the waitress. She asked what he would like to order, he said hey........."first of all, can you frizz up your hair some? ........and then smudge your lipstick onto your face?.......then wipe your eyeliner down across your cheeks?............can you then bring me some coffee that is cold?..........toast that is burned to a crisp?..........some soggy bacon that is almost raw?.........eggs that are just absolutely roasted to a damned crisp?" The waitress asked why in the world would you want me to do that........the guys says............"Im home sick"

[Chingo Bling]

What do jou call the hair between jour abuela's chiches?

Her panocha guey!

[manufan10]

What do jou call the hair between jour abuela's chiches?

Her panocha guey!

:lol

[manufan10]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair (http://www.everyjoke.com/joke/28391/another-dumb-blonde.html#) have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

[manufan10]

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets!"

[baseline bum]

I still like this one....

A guy walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands that she opens the sperm bank vault.

She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"

"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???"

"DO IT!"... So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[CosmicCowboy]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

[baseline bum]

What did the Chinese pirate say?

EEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!

[phxspurfan]

How do you trap a polar bear?

1. Dig a hole in the ice
2. Put down a can of peas
3. When the bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.

[CosmicCowboy]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[CosmicCowboy]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[manufan10]

^ :lol

[baseline bum]

Lmao cc!

[CosmicCowboy]

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his infidelity when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that ?!?"

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "Damn, that bug sure had a big dick."

[to21]

Two black guys die in a car crash. When they appear at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asks them what they were doing there. One of the black guys says, "We are God's children here to serve him, let us in." St. Peter looks at them and says, "Let me check with the big guy and see what he says." St. Peter walks up to God and asks, "Boss, there's two black guys who want in, what should I do?" God then tells St. Peter, "Let them in, they are my children here to serve." After a few moments St. Peter returns and tells God, "They're gone!" "The two black guys?", God asks. "No, the Pearly Gates!"

[manufan10]

Rules for Golf and Public Restrooms:

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

9. Form a loose grip.

8. Keep your head down.

7. Avoid a quick backswing.

6. Stay out of the water.

5. Try not to hit anybody.

4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.

3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.

2. Be quiet while others are about to go.

1. Keep strokes to a minimum.

[manufan10]

The Mexican Dictionary:

BODYWASH: I can't go to tha cantina tonight cuz no BODYWASH my kids.
SHOULDER: My tia wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I SHOULDER.
COCKATOO: My friend was in the bathroom and I told him to hurry cuz I had to COCKATOO.
SODAS: My vieja has big tetas and SODAS her sister.
JUICY: Hey vato, I will roll the joint, and ju tell me if JUICY the cops!
JUAREZ: My viejita slapped me and I said JUAREZ your damn problem.
TISSUE: Hey vato if you don't know how to do it, let me TISSUE how.
HEATER: My little sister started to choke. Pero my mom told me to HEATER in the back.
BRIEF: Hey homes, my lady farted in the car and I couldn't BRIEF.
JULY: Ju tol me ju were going to tha store and JULY to me! Julyer.
MUSHROOM: When my familia gets in the car, there's not MUSHROOM left.

[manufan10]

Do you know why the Detroit Lions were the last NFL team to get a website?

Because they couldn't put three W's in a row.

[angel_luv]

Do you know why the Detroit Lions were the last NFL team to get a website?

Because they couldn't put three W's in a row.

:lol :lol

[LnGrrrR]

That card joke is funny, but when I heard it, the guy busts, and the voice goes "Aw f*ck!" :lol

[LnGrrrR]

Two old men are watching a young lady walk her dog in the park. The dog stops for a moment to clean himself, licking vigorously.

One of the old men turns to the other and says, gesturing at the dog, "Hey, don't you wish you could do something like that?"

The other man shrugs and replies, "Eh, I'm afraid I'd get bit."

[manufan10]

^ :lmao

[SpursStalker]

Hardly the best joke EVER ...

:sleep

[EricB]

:lol the jokes following the lame joke were great.

[BadMoodBob]

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"
hahahaha

[HORNSWOGGLE]

:sleep:sleep:sleep:sleep:sleep:sleep

[lebomb]

This man and his wife go out to play golf one saturday. The man is about to hit his tee shot and confesses to his wife that he cheated on her when he was out of town for work. SMACK! he hits his shot 250yds down the center of the fairway. The wife is visibly upset, but before she tees off..........she decides to make a confession of her own. She says........."honey I have to confess something as well"............the husband says "ok..........go ahead and tell me, I deserve whatever is coming to me" The wife tells him........."Im really a man, I had a sex change right before I met you".................the husband breaks his driver over his leg, throws it and screams........."I can FUCKING BELIEVE YOU!!!!" You have been playing from the ladies tees for the last 5yrs!!!"

[manufan10]

Mexicans cross the border 1 at a time, 2 at a time, and 4 at a time, but never with 3 because signs say No Tres Passing.

[manufan10]

Little David is in the 5th grade. Yesterday morning when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living, all the typical answers came up: fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
The teacher noticed that little David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so she asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and do it with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said David, red faced. "He plays for the Detroit Lions, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

[manufan10]

A woman and her husband were having a lot of fights so they decided to get a divorce. The family goes in front of a judge to decide custody of their son. The judge asks the son "Do you wanna live with your mother?" The son answers, "No my mom beats me."
The judge said, "All right, do you wanna live with your father?"
The son answers, "No my dad beats me worse."
The judge asks, "Who do you wanna live with then?"
The son answers, "The Detroit Lions, they don't beat anybody."

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go camping. Holmes wakes Watson in the middle of the night and points to the starry sky. "Watson, what do make of this?"

Watson, by know familiar with how far reaching his friend's mind can be, thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I know that each of those stars is a bright burning ball of gas very much like the sun in our own solar system. And in looking at the night sky while I can see hundreds or even thousands of them I know that only represents a very small portion of all of the stars that exist. With so many stars out there I can reasonably guess that there are planets orbiting some of them and that there's some chance that some of those planets are like our own and capable of sustaining life. So when I look at the night sky and consider all of those factors I can infer with some certainty that we are not alone in this universe."

Holmes nods and says, "That's very interesting, Watson, but the point I was trying to illustrate is that someone stole our tent!"

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view.. It had to
be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.



And the moral of this story is:




Always keep your condoms in your car.

[manufan10]

^ :lol

[lebomb]

The doorbell rings at the Taylor home,
as the woman of the house answers, there stands the neighbor Jim.
Jim asks if her husband Bob is home. She says no he isnt,
but what can I help you with? Jim asks if she would screw his
brains out for $250. She says "Jim"! I cant do that, its
inappropriate and you are my husbands friend". Jim asks
would she screw him for $500. She again yells "NO",
go away before I call Bob". As a last resort, Jim asks......."Ok
would you screw me and take it up the pooper for $1000.
The woman pauses, thinks about it and then says......."ok,
just this one time" "I love my husband Bob and do not intend
for this to be a long term affair" I just would like to go to
the Shops at La Cantera this weekend and buy a few things.
So, the pair run up stairs, and Jim pounds away at this woman,
he does all kinds of nasty things to her, and even goes back door
as she agreed to. Well, after 45 min. or so Jim leaves. The woman
takes a shower and as she is drying off, she hears the front door
open. Its her husband Bob , home early from work to her surprise.
Bob asks how her day was, and she responds "it was Ok, unevenful
nothing really to talk about" He said were there any vistors that
came by? The woman of course says no. Bob then says "Jim was
supposed to come by and repay me the $1000 I lent to him last
week"

[LnGrrrR]

An oldie but goodie...

Winston Churchill is entertaining guests at a function. A beautiful woman catches his eye, and he says to the lady, "Excuse me, ma'am, but would you answer a hypothetical question for me?"

She replies, "Why of course Mr. Churchill!"

"Wonderful!", he replies. "Tell me, would you sleep with me for one million dollars?"

"I should think so," she says.

"Well, would you sleep with me for ten dollars then?"

"Mr. Churchill! Of course not! What type of woman do you think I am?"

He replies, "Oh, we've already determined that, miss. Now we're just negotiating the price!"

[LnGrrrR]

A woman goes to her ob/gyn's office, and gets her checkup done. Once he's finished, the doctor takes her aside and says, "Excuse me ma'am, but I couldn't help but notice that your vagina has gotten considerably larger since last visit. You're not doing anything out of the ordinary, are you?"

The woman flushes, and assures the doctor she isn't. She goes home, and feeling self conscious, takes down a mirror hanging on the wall. She places it on the floor and undresses herself, standing over the mirror to look.

At this moment, her husband opens the door and says to her, "Hey honey, I'm running to the store, do you want anything?"

She says, "Uhm... no thanks, I'm fine!"

He says to her, "Ok sweetie, I'll be right back. And be careful not to fall into that hole in the floor."

[Cry Havoc]

:lmao

http://www.roflcat.com/images/cats/270913946_efa38ec3d8.jpg