Hook Dem
09-10-2004, 09:01 PM
The following was in a local South Florida paper:
"We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season.
Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a
weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the
Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological
points :
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in
Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably
wondering what you need to do to prepare for the
possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based
on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this
simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your
family for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until
Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will
not follow this sensible plan. Most people will
foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane
preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get,
as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or
any other area that might actually be hit by a
hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to
sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might
be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not
why they got into the insurance business in the first
place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an
insurance company, which will charge you an annual
premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your
house. At any moment, this company can drop you like
used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had
an estimated
27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm
covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company,
under a policy that states that, in addition to my
premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to
my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the
windows, all the doors, and-if it's a major hurricane-
all the toilets. There are several types of shutters,
with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you
make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is
that, because you make them yourself, they will fall
off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work
well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is
that once you get them all up, your hands will be
useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're
very easy to use, and will definitely protect your
house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell
your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle
in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary
windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You
can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He
lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane
approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting
relatives, etc...You should, as a precaution, throw
these items into your swimming pool(if you don't have a
swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).
Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects
into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you
live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's
license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying
area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to
avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm
hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic
traffic jam several miles from your home, along with
two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus,
you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition
requires that you wait until the last possible
minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious
fights with strangers over who gets the last can of
SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the
following supplies:
23 flashlights.
At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when
the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the
flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is
for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's
traditional, so GET some!)
55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg.(This will
be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken to placate the
alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after
the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the
hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man
with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the
hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you
keep abreast of the situation by turning on your
television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers
stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and
over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay
away from the ocean.
"We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season.
Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a
weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the
Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological
points :
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in
Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably
wondering what you need to do to prepare for the
possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based
on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this
simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your
family for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until
Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will
not follow this sensible plan. Most people will
foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane
preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get,
as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or
any other area that might actually be hit by a
hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to
sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might
be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not
why they got into the insurance business in the first
place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an
insurance company, which will charge you an annual
premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your
house. At any moment, this company can drop you like
used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had
an estimated
27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm
covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company,
under a policy that states that, in addition to my
premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to
my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the
windows, all the doors, and-if it's a major hurricane-
all the toilets. There are several types of shutters,
with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you
make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is
that, because you make them yourself, they will fall
off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work
well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is
that once you get them all up, your hands will be
useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're
very easy to use, and will definitely protect your
house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell
your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle
in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary
windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You
can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He
lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane
approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting
relatives, etc...You should, as a precaution, throw
these items into your swimming pool(if you don't have a
swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).
Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects
into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you
live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's
license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying
area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to
avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm
hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic
traffic jam several miles from your home, along with
two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus,
you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition
requires that you wait until the last possible
minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious
fights with strangers over who gets the last can of
SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the
following supplies:
23 flashlights.
At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when
the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the
flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is
for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's
traditional, so GET some!)
55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg.(This will
be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken to placate the
alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after
the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the
hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man
with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the
hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you
keep abreast of the situation by turning on your
television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers
stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and
over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay
away from the ocean.