I was at HEB the other day and....

[PM5K]

I saw this guy that kept licking and rubbing everything that even closely resembled a penis, for example:

Cucumbers
Banannas
Sausages
Pickles
Hot Dogs
Carrots
ETC

The creepiest thing is that he kept staring at me when he did it.....

His wife was pretty hot though and while he was asking one of the employees where they kept the kumquats she slipped me her number.

[lil'mo]

Not funny and disgustingly unoriginal. Also, I SERIOUSLY doubt that back to basics' wife is hot. Like, at all.

[PM5K]

Yeah she's probably a dog, but the joke is funnier if we pretend she's hot.

[BacktoBasics]

Uncle Leo?

[PM5K]

Helllloooo

[ashbeeigh]

This one was funnier than lebomb's thread.

[UncleLeo]

Uncle Leo?

Will somebody answer the damn phone!!?

[CubanMustGo]

This one was funnier than lebomb's thread.

Root canals are funnier than lebomb's thread.

[I. Hustle]

There was this chair
and it was walking down the street
walking walking walking

[mrsmaalox]

It's pretty good. I would have liked it better if he had said "tonguing the kumquats" instead of asking the employee.

[lil'mo]

Repeat THREADS ARE NOT FUNNY AND SHOW HOW LITTLE YOU KNOW ABOUT WHAT IS FUNNY AND NOT

[The Reckoning]

eh. when im in heb i want to get the hell out as soon as possible. i hate shopping.

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

Funny. I was at HEB at the same time you were, and I saw that couple, too. I was fairly certain I had seen the husband's mug on an embezzlement episode of America's Most Wanted, so I thought I'd follow them around, observe and listen in on their conversation, and see if he'd be worth turning in for a reward.

Here's what I saw and heard that day. I'm disguising the couple's identity to protect the innocent:





First, they made their way through the produce section. While there, the husband continually fondled the produce and pulled his drawers out of his ass-crack. I overheard the following:

Mr. B: "I bet I know why you want cuCUMbers"
Mrs. B: "You should know...I haven't cum in years!"

This was followed by:

Mr. B: "Hey hun look at how this curves to the left"
Mrs. B: "Considering that you're the one holding it, I'm amazed it hasn't shriveled into a cute tiny little button."





Following this exchange, the couple worked their way over to the meat section. This is where the husband appeared to pick out some sausage while the wife exchanged phone numbers with the meat cutter. She looked over to see if he was watching her, but at the time he appeared to be propositioning a young boy by licking a sausage link while the boy sat in his mother's shopping cart in front of him. The wife gave the butcher a quick wink and squeeze on the fly of his pants, and made her way out of that section of the store.




Then, the happy couple worked their way over to the alcohol department. The husband picked up a carton of beer and he and his wife had the following exchange:

Mr. B: "Look hun they got Shiner black. So warm and black and wet".

Then he ran his fingers up and down the bottle while rubbing the condensation all over his face.

Mrs. B: "You've always had a thing for black shafts, haven't you? Just remember that's what got you kicked out of the Army."





Finally I followed them over to the checkout counter. An elderly employee was their cashier. This is where I overheard the following conversation:

Mr. B: "Wow those sure are some long and firm cucumbers."
Mrs. B: "Actually, sweetheart, those are the Vlassic Mini Dills."
Cashier: *giggle*

Mr. B: "Look at those long black and wet bottle necks mmmmm."
Mrs. B: "And here I was convinced that our Focus on the Family counseling/prayer sessions had cured you of your fagdom."


Mr. B: "That tube of ground turkey looks so thick and meaty...you like thick and meaty don't you hun."
Mrs. B: "I love it...when are you going to be out of town for that fishing trip again?"
Cashier: "Hey, didn't I buy an overpriced trailer from you a few years back? And weren't you on America's Most Wanted last week?"




Following a hasty exit from the grocery store the couple proceeded to tie the bags to the top of an old Corvette and they sped away arguing with one another.

I concluded that this man was obviously not a white collar criminal, but rather a gay pedophile, and was definitely not the man featured on AMW. Oh well.

This concludes my report.

[duncan228]

:lol

[I. Hustle]

your rebuttal sir?

[Fpoonsie]

Mr. B: "Wow those sure are some long and firm cucumbers."
Mrs. B: "Actually, sweetheart, those are the Vlassic Mini Dills."
Cashier: *giggle*


Winner.

[EricB]

:lmao

Ed wins poster of the week.

Winner winner pollo cena

[lil'mo]

:rolleyes Jesus Christ. Should I get out the keys to dangle in front of the babies again? You people are dumb as rocks.

[CubanMustGo]

EHJ ftmfw!!

[CubanMustGo]

:rolleyes Jesus Christ. Should I get out the keys to dangle in front of the babies again? You people are dumb as rocks.

Save us all the trouble and just make a run for the slaughterhouse.

[lil'mo]

Slaughterhouse escapee, here, bitch.

[Ignignokt]

:rolleyes Jesus Christ. Should I get out the keys to dangle in front of the babies again? You people are dumb as rocks.

:lol:lmao:lmao:lmao:lmao

Lil mo just pwned you all!