Question for the Married Folk

[angel_luv]

I am sure there is a lot of wisdom to be had here, so let's have it.

I want to know about the first year of your marriage, since that is the one Bo and I are in.

1) If you could go back and give a piece of advice to yourself in the first year of your marriage, what would it be.

2) What is something you are positive you did right in your first year of marriage?

3) What is something that is not worth worrying about in a marriage?

4) And finally, what winning characteristic do you feel you and your spouse bring to your marriage ( it can be something different for each of you.)


People in LTR's feel free to answer as well, if you want.

[JudynTX]

Ok, what happened? Did you get into your first major argument? :D

[clambake]

did Bo catch you taking your car to jiffy lube?

[Blake]

Ok, what happened? Did you get into your first major argument? :D

:lol my first thought.

lemme guess.....bo left some clothes on the floor and you ended up being mad at each other for hours over it.

[angel_luv]

:lol


No, Bo and I had our first major argument long ago and we've had a few since then. I think it comes with the territory of being closely connected to someone.

The reason I want to know is that I want the benefit of perspective from people who have been there and made it through that.

I take things very seriously in all areas of life and so probably read too much into things when it comes to marriage as well.

I'll take all the good advice I can. That's true about me in regard to everything.

So educate me!

[Blake]

did Bo catch you taking your car to jiffy lube?

even better

[PM5K]

Live and learn.

[I. Hustle]

1.) Just have fun. I worried too much about things that I could have taken care of later.

2.) I told her everything. I didn't want stupid shit coming out after a couple of years and then getting into fights for keeping it a secret.

3.) The past

4.) I make her laugh. She keeps things in perspective.
I like to joke and have fun with her and she helps me to remember the long term and not just 5 minutes from now.

[MiamiHeat]

1) If you could go back and give a piece of advice to yourself in the first year of your marriage, what would it be.

Hug and carry her around more

2) What is something you are positive you did right in your first year of marriage?

Love her and listened to her

3) What is something that is not worth worrying about in a marriage?

mistakes and the past

4) And finally, what winning characteristic do you feel you and your spouse bring to your marriage ( it can be something different for each of you.)

a happy loving heart

[angel_luv]

Live and learn.

What is with the vagueness?

Everyone on here loves chiming in with their two cents- except when it is requested, it would seem. :lol

[Blake]

:So educate me!

do you have separate bank accounts?

...I'm going to guess no....

[angel_luv]

Thanks very much I Hustle and Miami Heat! :)

[JudynTX]

In our first two years of marriage, we were still in the "honeymoon" stage. :married:

But you'll never hear this enough. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

That's the best advise I can give you.

[I. Hustle]

1) If you could go back and give a piece of advice to yourself in the first year of your marriage, what would it be.

Let her talk to her mom and not worry about how long pizza takes to warm up

2) What is something you are positive you did right in your first year of marriage?

Chained her to the toilet

3) What is something that is not worth worrying about in a marriage?

If she has enough food or water

4) And finally, what winning characteristic do you feel you and your spouse bring to your marriage ( it can be something different for each of you.)

I can beat video games within 3 days of buying them and she loves to be chained up next to me watching me while she cries and cleans her wounds

I think you are on a different level than AL

[panic giraffe]

1) If you could go back and give a piece of advice to yourself in the first year of your marriage, what would it be.

2) What is something you are positive you did right in your first year of marriage?

3) What is something that is not worth worrying about in a marriage?

4) And finally, what winning characteristic do you feel you and your spouse bring to your marriage ( it can be something different for each of you.)


1) "don't do it!" "run" ""its ok to leave!" all come to mind.

2) kept a second bank account, that great idea went away year two.

3) what to eat.

4) we argue well, oh and we both fuck well, infact i think the two are correlated. i have plenty of complaints about marriage, but sex isn't one, and i also think my wife is hot, so that helps me keep the crazy lady around. if you two start arguing during sex and its not some role playing thing, then its time to move on.

[angel_luv]

do you have separate bank accounts?

...I'm going to guess no....

Actually, yes we do.

I am very independent minded from having lived on my own for so many years, basically fending for myself.

It was hard enough for me moving into an apartment with Bo where every room and every piece of furniture was ours and so nothing was just mine anymore.

So I have maintained my own separate bank account from which I contribute to our household expenses.
I have not been ready to merge that yet.

[Blake]

12) lift the seat back up after you are done.

[JudynTX]

12) lift the seat back up after you are done.

:lol Ours stays down, so we never have that problem.

[Blake]

Actually, yes we do.

I am very independent minded from having lived on my own for so many years, basically fending for myself.

It was hard enough for me moving into an apartment with Bo where every room and every piece of furniture was ours and so nothing was just mine anymore.

So I have maintained my own separate bank account from which I contribute to our household expenses.
I have not been ready to merge that yet.

whoa. I don't know why that surprises me....

I can tell you this.......if it hasn't already, soon or later you will fight over money.......whether you spent too much or he did, or you don't have enough etc.

(as with most anything I guess) just be honest and fair with each other about your spending habits and it will be easier.

[Blake]

:lol Ours stays down, so we never have that problem.

so Jeff just whizzes with the seat down?

[JudynTX]

so Jeff just whizzes with the seat down?

No dork, the toilet lid stays shut. After he does his business, he closes lid. :lol

[I. Hustle]

Actually, yes we do.

I am very independent minded from having lived on my own for so many years, basically fending for myself.

It was hard enough for me moving into an apartment with Bo where every room and every piece of furniture was ours and so nothing was just mine anymore.

So I have maintained my own separate bank account from which I contribute to our household expenses.
I have not been ready to merge that yet.

On a very serious note this is something you will need to address AL. I am not opposed to the seperate accounts but the whole independent mind set needs to be dealt with. My first marriage went down the drain because both of us wanted to be married but also do our own thing. She didn't want a daddy to answer to and I didn't want a momma to ask permission from.
Now my wife knows that she can go out with the girls and I can chill with the guys and it's not so much a permission thing as it is a common courtesy thing. In marriage you become one and there is no more independence. Not saying that you don't need your alone time every now and then but your marriage comes first.

[Blake]

No dork, the toilet lid stays shut. After he does his business, he closes lid. :lol

see I don't like that.

It's easier for me to have women lift the lid. Saves me a precious 2 seconds per trip.

[Kori Ellis]

As you know, LJ and I never argue. Probably the biggest reason for that is because neither one of us get caught up in the trivial stuff. There are very few daily things that matter in the big picture. I am not answering your questions directly, but here are some keys.

Key #1: Don't Nag
I mean really... does it matter if your husband leaves his dirty clothes on the floor (for example)? No -- it probably takes you 3 seconds a day to pick them up and put them in the laundry for him. So there's really know reason to nag about. Guys hate nagging. Most women nag. It's really unnecessary and no one benefits.

Key #2: Have a Money Plan
One thing that couples argue most about is money. If you aren't rich, then you need to have some sort of budget. Otherwise, you are going to end up looking at your bank statement one day thinking "What the heck are we spending all our money on?" (and then blame it on your spouse). You don't need to have a line by line journal, but you should have a general outline of your money goals and make sure that you are on the same page.

Key #3: Make Time
Life sucks sometimes. There's a lot of pressure from work, family, whatever. But every single day you should slow down and make time for each other. That doesn't necessarily mean sexually (however that's a factor), but just some actual couple time. Whether that means taking a shower together every morning before work, laying in bed watching stupid shows together before you sleep, or whatever. You have to make a little effort to make some time.

[JudynTX]

whoa. I don't know why that surprises me....

I can tell you this.......if it hasn't already, soon or later you will fight over money.......whether you spent too much or he did, or you don't have enough etc.

(as with most anything I guess) just be honest and fair with each other about your spending habits and it will be easier.

I kinda agree with Blake. :lol You can have a savings account exclusively for yourself. I do.


see I don't like that.

It's easier for me to have women lift the lid. Saves me a precious 2 seconds per trip.

:nope

[romad_20]

First year is easy and fun. It gets harder from there on out because the initial excitment fades and it just becomes your life.

Never let an argument continue to the next day. Resolve it, even if it means swallowing your pride and taking a hit to your ego.

[JudynTX]

Kori, you've never had an argument with LJ? Wow :lol

[I. Hustle]

Money is going to be the biggest thing when it comes to arguments (unless either one of you is a very jealous person) so you need to have full disclosure to each others spending habits.

Don't have kids! At least not right now. Take time to get to know each other. I can tell you that kids are a big reason for arguments in a marriage. Whether it's disagreements on discipline (and no matter if you have the same beliefs right now it WILL come up), scheduling conflicts (day care, school, sports, activities, etc.), why you always get stuck with the kids while the other does their own thing, etc. Don't get me wrong I absolutely love my baby and unborn baby but I would have liked to have a little bit more one on one time with my wife. You guys are young and don't need to rush anything. You don't really know someone until you are married, regardless if you have been with or lived with them for years, so these first few years you really need to just get to know each other.

[Blake]

Whether that means taking a shower together every morning before work......

if I ever get the moxey, I'm going to install an extra shower head on the other side. It sucks being on the cold side.

[Kori Ellis]

Kori, you've never had an argument with LJ? Wow :lol

We had one argument once.. it was about fantasy football. We were sharing a team and he changed the starters without telling me. Then he told me when we were already at church... so I didn't have any input on it. I'm not sure why it even pissed me off so much, but that was the only time we had an argument. :lol

[JudynTX]

We had one argument once.. it was about fantasy football. We were sharing a team and he changed the starters without telling me. Then he told me when we were already at church... so I didn't have any input on it. I'm not sure why it even pissed me off so much, but that was the only time we had an argument. :lol

I knew it was going to be about sports. :lmao

[I. Hustle]

Never let an argument continue to the next day. Resolve it, even if it means swallowing your pride and taking a hit to your ego.

Word, my wife gets pissed because I will make her talk about it and squash it before bed.

[angel_luv]

On a very serious note this is something you will need to address AL. I am not opposed to the seperate accounts but the whole independent mind set needs to be dealt with. My first marriage went down the drain because both of us wanted to be married but also do our own thing. She didn't want a daddy to answer to and I didn't want a momma to ask permission from.
Now my wife knows that she can go out with the girls and I can chill with the guys and it's not so much a permission thing as it is a common courtesy thing. In marriage you become one and there is no more independence. Not saying that you don't need your alone time every now and then but your marriage comes first.

You are right. And I am working on it. And Bo is very patient, which is a blessing.

My issue is that I have a hard time letting someone take care of me because for a lenghty period of my life, no one did- at least not consistently.

So Bo doesn't get enough of opportunities to be good to be and deepen my level of trust in him, because I've already handled everything on my own.

I am great at taking care of people, and I love to do it. But I am very very wary of depending on anyone else for anything.

it is not a matter of my not consulting Bo regarding my plans.
As a matter of fact, I purposefully plan my schedule so I will be home when Bo is.
I consult him before I do stuff, from small like meeting up with a gal pal to big things switching jobs.
I would not quit or take a job without first consulting, Bo. It's just not in me.

The trouble I am having is more of an emotional one. It's a vicious cycle of me wanting closeness and equally not wanting to risk needing anyone, due to my history of being let down.

Bo is very complimentary and is never critical of me. In fact, I really think Bo believes I am a much better person than I truly am.

I feel stressed because what worked for me so well in the past ( taking care of myself; not asking for favors; bearing all my own burdens; not asking for anything), is not working at all for me in my marriage.

So I am trying to stop that, which will be good in the long run but currently has me in a personality crisis.

I really don't know how I am supposed to behave anymore.
Does that make sense?

[Blake]

Never let an argument continue to the next day. Resolve it, even if it means swallowing your pride and taking a hit to your ego.

yah.

sometimes it's better just to say fudge it and say "I'm sorry I was wrong, I'll try to work on it" even when you know you are right.

It sucks for about 30 seconds and a week later you'll even forget why you lied about being wrong.

[angel_luv]

Was all of your first year of marriage easy?

I will be honest, based on my experience " honeymoon period" is an urban legend.

For me, marriage has been one adjustment after another.

I am grateful God gave me Bo. And I really, really, really (x infiniti spelling intentional; inside joke) love Bo.

I believe Bo and I have a lot of promise both individually and corporately
( especially Bo. He is amazingly gifted as a musician, is a born leader, and makes me laugh so hard I can't breathe.)

But even so, the first six months of marriage- though aspects have been fun- has felt an awful lot like boot camp to me.

I really thought marriage and being a great wife would come more naturally to me than it has.

[I. Hustle]

You are right. And I am working on it. And Bo is very patient, which is a blessing.

My issue is that I have a hard time letting someone take care of me because for a lenghty period of my life, no one did- at least not consistently.

So Bo doesn't get enough of opportunities to be good to be and deepen my level of trust in him, because I've already handled everything on my own.

I am great at taking care of people, and I love to do it. But I am very very wary of depending on anyone else for anything.

The trouble I am having is more of an emotional one. It's a vicious cycle of me wanting closeness and equally not wanting to risk needing anyone, due to my history of being let down.

Bo is very complimentary and is never critical of me. In fact, I really think Bo believes I am a much better person than I truly am.

I feel stressed because what worked for me so well in the past ( taking care of myself; not asking for favors; bearing all my own burdens; not asking for anything), is not working at all for me in my marriage.

So I am trying to stop that, which will be good in the long run but currently has me in a personality crisis.

I really don't know how I am supposed to behave anymore.
Does that make sense?

It makes a lot of sense. I was on my own from the time I was 15. I got my first apartment at 17 and took care of everything myself. Since you go to church you should sit down and have a counseling session with your Pastor, Along with Bo of course. You need to break that because even though it seems like it is harmless it is something that could effect your marriage very negatively.
Start off small. Let him plan a few things and stay completely out of it. One of the things I had a problem with was wanting control. It might not be that big but giving up some control even if it is just what you are going to do on an off day helps. Also when yuo know you are feeling that "let me take care of it" attitude ask him for help. Nobody is going to break that spirit but you. What will happen is he will try to hard to break that and you will have that slight resentment for it. Start off small and just work your way up.

[clambake]

damn al, forget the past...and don't play that "come here Bo" and "get away Bo" shit.

don't drag your personal demons on him.

[Sportcamper]

Ephesians 4:32… Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you…

Sportcamper 3:16… In-laws are evil…Don’t allow them to casually drop by…

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

1) If you could go back and give a piece of advice to yourself in the first year of your marriage, what would it be?
Your marriage is your own, and it doesn't have to live up to the standards of anything but your happiness together.

2) What is something you are positive you did right in your first year of marriage?
I kept all plugged in electrical appliances away from water.

3) What is something that is not worth worrying about in a marriage?
The past.

4) And finally, what winning characteristic do you feel you and your spouse bring to your marriage ( it can be something different for each of you.)
I can lift her up and she can keep me grounded.

[I. Hustle]

sportcamper 3:16… in-laws are evil…don’t allow them to casually drop by…

aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhmen

[angel_luv]

It makes a lot of sense. I was on my own from the time I was 15. I got my first apartment at 17 and took care of everything myself. Since you go to church you should sit down and have a counseling session with your Pastor, Along with Bo of course. You need to break that because even though it seems like it is harmless it is something that could effect your marriage very negatively.
Start off small. Let him plan a few things and stay completely out of it. One of the things I had a problem with was wanting control. It might not be that big but giving up some control even if it is just what you are going to do on an off day helps. Also when yuo know you are feeling that "let me take care of it" attitude ask him for help. Nobody is going to break that spirit but you. What will happen is he will try to hard to break that and you will have that slight resentment for it. Start off small and just work your way up.

I definitely have a control issue. I am always advising Bo.

Bo is so sweet and listens to my ideas and praises them more than they deserve

But it is ridiculous of how I am always giving him constant suggestions, and instructions, and vetoing or adjusting plans he's made.

I can look and see that Bo got promoted three times in six weeks without any help from me. Clearly he is very capable and trustworthy and yet still I constantly interfere and advise and correct.

So I know the issue lies within me; Bo's not the reason that I act the way I do.

Thanks so much for the advice!
I like your suggestion of letting Bo plans things and me keeping out of it entirely.

Sometimes I think I ought to wire my mouth shut for a couple of weeks and give everyone a break from my yakking.
I know I am tired of me!

[Sportcamper]

Also everyone thinks that they have no idiosyncrasy’s…Then they live with someone & their oddities are pointed out….I thought everyone collected bread wrap ties & had all of their shirts hanging in the closet buttons pointing left….

Keep an open mind, some things you do might just be weird….

[angel_luv]

Ephesians 4:32… Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you…

Sportcamper 3:16… In-laws are evil…Don’t allow them to casually drop by…


:lol


I have actually been trying to get my in-laws to stop by. I want to show off what a great job Bo and I did decorating our apartment.

[I. Hustle]

Also everyone thinks that they have no idiosyncrasy’s…Then they live with someone & their oddities are pointed out….I thought everyone collected bread wrap ties & had all of their shirts hanging in the closet buttons pointing left….

Keep an open mind, some things you do might just be weird….

No shite. I was like no no no you are folding my shirts wrong and uuummmm my movies are in order of genre not just thrown in there together. :lol Not anymore though. You might find Backyardigans next to Drunken Master next to Rocky next to Memento.

[mrsmaalox]

Was all of your first year of marriage easy?

I will be honest, based on my experience " honeymoon period" is an urban legend.

For me, marriage has been one adjustment after another.

I am grateful God gave me Bo. And I really, really, really (x infiniti spelling intentional; inside joke) love Bo.

I believe Bo and I have a lot of promise both individually and corporately
( especially Bo. He is amazingly gifted as a musician, is a born leader, and makes me laugh so hard I can't breathe.)

But even so, the first six months of marriage- though aspects have been fun- has felt an awful lot like boot camp to me.

I really thought marriage and being a great wife would come more naturally to me than it has.


My first year was just like this too. And from that the most important thing I learned was about arguing. Keep it fair, one thing at a time, don't rehash the old stuff. The hurtful threats are very destructive----If you know inside that you love and don't want to leave, don't threaten to; that pain causes permanent damage.

And now all these years later, there have been so many triumphs and tragedies, so many lessons and realizations. The most important to me personally is that we grow and change so much throughout our lifetimes, that many years later you aren't married to that same person; and that's okay--it's not a problem with the marriage, it's just being human.

Having lived thru really good and really bad married times, I could just go on forever about it all, but your timing is bad Angel, I'm just not really in the mood to discuss "stuff" :lol

[angel_luv]

My first year was just like this too. And from that the most important thing I learned was about arguing. Keep it fair, one thing at a time, don't rehash the old stuff. The hurtful threats are very destructive----If you know inside that you love and don't want to leave, don't threaten to; that pain causes permanent damage.

And now all these years later, there have been so many triumphs and tragedies, so many lessons and realizations. The most important to me personally is that we grow and change so much throughout our lifetimes, that many years later you aren't married to that same person; and that's okay--it's not a problem with the marriage, it's just being human.

Having lived thru really good and really bad married times, I could just go on forever about it all, but your timing is bad Angel, I'm just not really in the mood to discuss "stuff" :lol


Your response was very comforting. I appreciate it.

If you ever have more wisdom to give, I am sure I will be all ears then too. :toast

All ears and two left feet- I am a mess! :lol

[JudynTX]

I can look and see that Bo got promoted three times in six weeks without any help from me. Clearly he is very capable and trustworthy and yet still I constantly interfere and advise and correct.

Like Kori said, don't nag. :D

[angel_luv]

Like Kori said, don't nag. :D

I'll stop. :)

[CosmicCowboy]

Whatever the question is the answer is more blow jobs.

[ploto]

1) If you could go back and give a piece of advice to yourself in the first year of your marriage, what would it be.

Never to allow another person to have that much control. In my attempt to make him happy, I made the mistake from the beginning of always being the one to sacrifice while he always took. Now, I know to watch the patterns that develop from the beginning because they can be hard to break.

I would say from what you have written that you need to realize that there is more than one acceptable way to do something. Bo can have different ideas, and different opinions, and different ways of doing things and that is OK. You two do not have to be clones who agree on everything and who do everything exactly the same way. I am thinking that you might have been raised with the notion that there is one right answer to every question and that everyone must do everything that one right way. It makes you insecure or uncomfortable if Bo does anything outside of that narrow view. You think that you are just trying to help him and tell him the right way (because his different way must be the wrong way). As he accomplishes things at work outside of your guidance, he could grow to resent your treating him like he can't do anything right without your telling him what to do.

[The Gemini Method]

Whatever the question is the answer is more blow jobs.

Not only can Cowboy seem to cook--he distills priceless truths as well...

[JoeChalupa]

Dating someone and living with someone can be a challenge for sure. There are so many issues that won't come up during dating but will come up when you share a bed and living space. It is a learning experience and give and take and just getting to know your spouse and all the little things that bother you as silly as they may seem. The wife and I have had our share of disagreements and arguments but for that is simply a part of marriage and I haven't heard of many couples that don't argue but I'm sure there are.
Communication is a big part and like others have said we don't like to go to bed angry and we talk things out and yes, we've shouted things out as well.
Good luck to the both of you.

[angel_luv]

1) If you could go back and give a piece of advice to yourself in the first year of your marriage, what would it be.

Never to allow another person to have that much control. In my attempt to make him happy, I made the mistake from the beginning of always being the one to sacrifice while he always took. Now, I know to watch the patterns that develop from the beginning because they can be hard to break.

I would say from what you have written that you need to realize that there is more than one acceptable way to do something. Bo can have different ideas, and different opinions, and different ways of doing things and that is OK. You two do not have to be clones who agree on everything and who do everything exactly the same way. I am thinking that you might have been raised with the notion that there is one right answer to every question and that everyone must do everything that one right way. It makes you insecure or uncomfortable if Bo does anything outside of that narrow view. You think that you are just trying to help him and tell him the right way (because his different way must be the wrong way). As he accomplishes things at work outside of your guidance, he could grow to resent your treating him like he can't do anything right without your telling him what to do.


Sort of. Not quite.

It is two fold.

My life was a real mess for a long time and I finally have some stability, so I am extremely nervous about chaos erupting on me again. Therefore I am very cautious, very, very hesistant to take a risk, afraid to do other than what I know for sure will work ( or what I think will work since it did in the past.)


Also,I was raised in a household with volatile personalities ( many of my foster sisters had terrible past and serious issues as a result.)

As the big sister, I took it on myself to watch out for everyone, to keep them out of trouble. I felt it was my job to be zealous about making sure everyone was okay, safe, and happy.
My sisters really could not take care of themselves, some still cannot, because either no one taught them how or they were to damaged to be able to put the good advice into action.
So in a way, I was justified in my role back then.
But the problem is that I have carried that excessively protective syndrome into childhood in regards to both myself and others and it is something that is destructive rather than helpful.

I can't remember the last time I was not " on the watch".
I don't enjoy being so guarded and uptight. But I also don't feel it would be acceptable or safe to relax- much as I long to do so.

[clambake]

you didn't bring this up until after you were married.

how is your marriage fueling this?

is all of this paranoia new to Bo?

[angel_luv]

you didn't bring this up until after you were married.

how is your marriage fueling this?

is all of this paranoia new to Bo?

A lot of it, I am just realizing myself.

When you are independent ( alone) most of the time, you don't realize that you relate badly to people because you aren't around them.

[I. Hustle]

let go and let God.


:lol



You just need to have fun AL. These first years you two are free and need to experience life. Take things a little at a time whatever you do don't rush. All that will come later when you are rushing kids to daycare, doctor, practice, recitals, etc. Take time out and find something that he has been wanting to do for a long time and do it. Tell him something that you have wanted to do and go for it. It doesn't have to be expensive it could be something like spend the day out by the lake having a picnic and relaxing or just taking a drive to the coast.
You are reading too much into everything and the more people give you advice the more confused you are going to be. Just enjoy each other right now and learn to relax.

[clambake]

wouldn't it help if Bo read this thread?

[ploto]

You call it protective or zealous, but really it is about control.

[clambake]

You call it protective or zealous, but really it is about control.

either that, or she's subconsciously but deliberately trying to push him away.

[CosmicCowboy]

wouldn't it help if Bo read this thread?

Bo would probably agree with me. Less introspection and more blow jobs.

[clambake]

Bo would probably agree with me. Less introspection and more blow jobs.

:lol don't worry. i took your post into consideration.

[Shelly]

I honestly don't remember what the first year was like, but we had also been together for 5 years before getting married, so we knew each other pretty well by then.

Basically, in our relationship, we just go with the flow. We have gotten in some nasty fights but both of us get over them very quickly. I'm a little more hot-headed than he is, so things get to me more than him.

Our finances have always been combined and has never been a problem. Neither one of us has to justify what we spend money on to each other (and that can be a BIG problem in marriages just by what married friends of mine have told me), nor does he complain if the house is messy or whatever. He knows that if he doesn't like the way I do something, then he can do it himself--and does sometimes! :)

But what it really boils down to is that we both have a mutual respect for each other and he never fails to make me laugh.

It must be working because we just celebrated our 20th anniversary last week!

Oh, an FWIW, my parents bicker about the stupidest shit all the time and they just celebrated their 50th in Nov.!

[TheTruth]

I apologize even if I don't think it's my fault. No use in letting things linger. Talk about it before bed.

[Bukefal]

We had one argument once.. it was about fantasy football. We were sharing a team and he changed the starters without telling me. Then he told me when we were already at church... so I didn't have any input on it. I'm not sure why it even pissed me off so much, but that was the only time we had an argument. :lol

Wow, only once and that over such a small thing! Props to you. That would be awesome, to never ever argue :toast

[Al Koholik]

I was married once. I loved her with everything I had. I gave her every fuggin thing. Why did that bitch have to leave me? BECAUSE SHE'S A WHORE THAT'S WHY! No, no she isn't. He gave her what I couldn't, time and attention. THAT UNGRATEFUL CUNT! I WORKED ALL THOSE HOURS FOR HER! No, no that's not true. I wanted that new car. I... I loved that car. I'd still have it if it wasn't for THAT BITCH!! WHERE'S MY CAR BITCH?! DOES THAT ASSHOLE DRIVE IT?!
DOES HE DRIVE MY CAR?!!

[Twisted_Dawg]

Pick your battles.

[CosmicCowboy]

I don't argue. I just tell her "we have had this argument before and I'm just not doing it again"

[Viva Las Espuelas]

Should be an interesting evening at someone's apartment.

[FortuneCookie]

Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.

Lucky Numbers: 12, 16, 22, 29, 30, 44 51

[jcrod]

Don't sweat the small things. Communicate, especially when you have an argument. You'l be suprise both of you were thinking totally different things. Respect each other. Be honest with each other, especially with your feelings, don't let things build up. Compromise, you'll need to find common ground on certain topics, feelings, and actions, give and take.

As long as you don't have physical/mental abuse, dishonesty, and adultery everything else should be easy. Just love and trust in one another and tackle each problems as they come....together.

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

If Bo has correctly set the ground rules you all will have a very healthy, happy relationship.

My simple advice from my own healthy, happy marriage:




Remember that you are the wife, and all that entails.

1. Whatever Bo wants, Bo gets.
2. Have his favorite drink waiting the second he walks in the door. Remove his shoes, massage his feet.
3. Ask him about his day...if he doesn't feel like talking (you'll know this if he ignores you and turns on the television) you must happily retreat to the kitchen, or other room of the house not occupied by Bo.
4. Have his dinner promptly on the table within 10 minutes of his arrival home. It should be a hot meal (not sandwiches or something 'instant') and should consist of at least 3 courses including a dessert.
5. After dinner, allow him time to catch up on his reading, or the latest sportscast on television while you do the dishes.
6. When Bo's ready, gently approach him and ask him if there's anything you "can DO for him."
7. Give in to Bo's every sexual request, no matter how unusual or extreme it might be. If he requests other women to participate in his evening's particular fantasy, gladly oblige him by asking your single girlfriends to join your activities.
8. Be sure to let Bo rest and recover after you've fully satisfied him. If he needs to watch the game on television in order to achieve this rest, excuse yourself from the room and prepare his favorite evening drink and bring it to him. Do not expect, nor ask Bo to cater to your sexual needs. Remember your place in the home.
9. If Bo chooses to go "out with the boys" after he's rested, let him go with your blessing. Remember, men need to spend quality time with their male friends, just as he had dedicated the early part of his evening to you as detailed above.

If you do these simple things, Bo will honor and love you. He will feed, nourish, clothe you, and be happy in his marriage. Fail him in these matters and you'll have no one to blame but yourself if your marriage is a struggle and you fail to find peace and contentment.



Ephesians 5:22-24

22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

Wait....what was the question again?

[I. Hustle]

Don't sweat the petty stuff... pet the sweaty stuff.

[2Blonde]

I don't have time to answer all the questions right now, but I'll tackle this one for now.

If you could go back and give a piece of advice to yourself in the first year of your marriage, what would it be.
Do your best to not think that every argument is a marriage-ender. Relax and realize that true strength in a marriage can only come from surviving some adversity. I know our first year, or two, was an emotional rollercoaster for me because we got married 6 months after we met, so we didn't have a lot of the perspective that comes from a relationship that had a lot of time before marriage. That being said, it was worth every disagreement! We have an amazing marriage and I'm still as crazy in love with him as I was 12 1/2 years ago. :)

[ploto]

AL-- maybe you just had unrealistic expectations- like some sort of fairy tale where it would all be perfect and easy. It seems that every little bump sends you into a panic like something is horribly wrong when it simply sounds like real life.

[SpursWoman]

One big thing that we do out of respect for each other is not air our personal issues or issues in our relationship out in public. :spin

Like, I would never post in the forum that I finally had an opportunity to sleep past 7:00am this morning, but User was snoring so loud I couldn't go back to sleep. :flipoff :makeout

Because then he might come reply that payback is a bitch, and he was just serving me up some. :lol


And that no nagging thing is critical. That has destroyed many relationships that I have personally witnessed. Seriously ... who the hell wants to be around someone who is never happy with them? Clothes on the floor bugs the crap out of me ... but I can look past it because I can appreciate how fabulous he is and how lucky I am.

*shrugs*

[Goliadnative]

If Bo has correctly set the ground rules you all will have a very healthy, happy relationship.

My simple advice from my own healthy, happy marriage:




Remember that you are the wife, and all that entails.

1. Whatever Bo wants, Bo gets.
2. Have his favorite drink waiting the second he walks in the door. Remove his shoes, massage his feet.
3. Ask him about his day...if he doesn't feel like talking (you'll know this if he ignores you and turns on the television) you must happily retreat to the kitchen, or other room of the house not occupied by Bo.
4. Have his dinner promptly on the table within 10 minutes of his arrival home. It should be a hot meal (not sandwiches or something 'instant') and should consist of at least 3 courses including a dessert.
5. After dinner, allow him time to catch up on his reading, or the latest sportscast on television while you do the dishes.
6. When Bo's ready, gently approach him and ask him if there's anything you "can DO for him."
7. Give in to Bo's every sexual request, no matter how unusual or extreme it might be. If he requests other women to participate in his evening's particular fantasy, gladly oblige him by asking your single girlfriends to join your activities.
8. Be sure to let Bo rest and recover after you've fully satisfied him. If he needs to watch the game on television in order to achieve this rest, excuse yourself from the room and prepare his favorite evening drink and bring it to him. Do not expect, nor ask Bo to cater to your sexual needs. Remember your place in the home.
9. If Bo chooses to go "out with the boys" after he's rested, let him go with your blessing. Remember, men need to spend quality time with their male friends, just as he had dedicated the early part of his evening to you as detailed above.

If you do these simple things, Bo will honor and love you. He will feed, nourish, clothe you, and be happy in his marriage. Fail him in these matters and you'll have no one to blame but yourself if your marriage is a struggle and you fail to find peace and contentment.



Ephesians 5:22-24

22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

You forget the other side.

Ephesians 5:25-29

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ also loved the church and delivered himself up for it: 26 That he might sanctify it, cleansing it by the laver of water in the word of life: 27 That he might present it to himself, a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So also ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as also Christ does the church:

[MsMcGillyCutty]

Just be yourself and the rest will fall in or out of place.

[Fillmoe]

dont get married....


best advice ever...

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

You forget the other side.

Ephesians 5:25-29

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ also loved the church and delivered himself up for it: 26 That he might sanctify it, cleansing it by the laver of water in the word of life: 27 That he might present it to himself, a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So also ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as also Christ does the church:

I keep forgetting the blue font. My bad.

[Kamala]

Work out a system for dishes, clothes washing drying, and cooking.

Any plan or agreement will do. Having no plan like I did at first leads to issues.

[SpursFanFirst]

As you know, LJ and I never argue. Probably the biggest reason for that is because neither one of us get caught up in the trivial stuff.

:wow really? That's amazing! I'm not married, but I could certainly use some of what you have just in general. I can be way too combative at times.


Key #1: Don't Nag
I mean really... does it matter if your husband leaves his dirty clothes on the floor (for example)? No -- it probably takes you 3 seconds a day to pick them up and put them in the laundry for him. So there's really know reason to nag about. Guys hate nagging. Most women nag. It's really unnecessary and no one benefits.

Certainly, I can see where you've coming from...but really...it only takes 3 seconds to pick the clothes up...PICK THEM UP, GUYS!
Oh my goodness. That would drive me up the wall!
Kori has some patience! To me, it really is impressivel

[SpursFanFirst]

Also everyone thinks that they have no idiosyncrasy’s…Then they live with someone & their oddities are pointed out….I thought everyone collected bread wrap ties & had all of their shirts hanging in the closet buttons pointing left….

buttons pointed "right..." Always right! :lol I'm kidding....kind of...

But seriously, this is a very good topic, AL. Like I said, I'm not even married, but so much of what AL has said about herself has really resonated with me.
I'm a total control freak, so it's extremely tough for me to just give up the reigns and trust the other person will handle things in a way I deem appropriate.

I'm learning so much from yall. At least I know I'm not alone.

[Kori Ellis]

Certainly, I can see where you've coming from...but really...it only takes 3 seconds to pick the clothes up...PICK THEM UP, GUYS!
Oh my goodness. That would drive me up the wall!
Kori has some patience! To me, it really is impressivel

:lol

I'm a bit old school when it comes to roles in marriage. Though this isn't very modern thinking, I believe women should do things like clean and cook (though LJ cooks too sometimes) and I think men should do things like drive, pump gas, take out the trash, yard work, etc. So I never really give any thought to picking up clothes.

To me, if you get along really well with someone, there's not really a lot to nag about. So I don't do it. Some women nag to just nag. Some women argue just to argue -- I know women who argue with their husbands for attention. LJ gives me all the attention that I need, so I don't ever feel the need to create drama.

Our life together is fun, exciting and drama-free. Which is a bit amazing, considering we both work from home. Not everyone can thrive that way though but it works for us.

[SpursFanFirst]

:lol

I'm a bit old school when it comes to roles in marriage. Though this isn't very modern thinking, I believe women should do things like clean and cook (though LJ cooks too sometimes) and I think men should do things like drive, pump gas, take out the trash, yard work, etc. So I never really give any thought to picking up clothes.

To me, if you get along really well with someone, there's not really a lot to nag about. So I don't do it. Some women nag to just nag. Some women argue just to argue -- I know women who argue with their husbands for attention. LJ gives me all the attention that I need, so I don't ever feel the need to create drama.

Our life together is fun, exciting and drama-free. Which is a bit amazing, considering we both work from home. Not everyone can thrive that way though but it works for us.

Congrats! How long have you been married?

In general, I'm in awe. But knowing you two work from the house together ALL DAY LONG makes it even more impressive.
I know of married couples who work for the same company, and I always thought that was too much. I'd need, at the very least, some space while at work.

[Kori Ellis]

Congrats! How long have you been married?

In general, I'm in awe. But knowing you two work from the house together ALL DAY LONG makes it even more impressive.
I know of married couples who work for the same company, and I always thought that was too much. I'd need, at the very least, some space while at work.

We work about four feet apart at the same giant desk all day :lol

Over seven years - thanks!

[SpursFanFirst]

We work about four feet apart at the same giant desk all day :lol

Over seven years - thanks!

:worthy: I'm really impressed!

[JudynTX]

We work about four feet apart at the same giant desk all day :lol

Over seven years - thanks!

Who has the cleaner desk? :wakeup :lol

[spurster]

Divide up chores/responsibilities. Don't nag when your spouse does them, but not up to your standards.

Do not spend more than you earn. In fact, with no kids around, you should be saving money. That means no credit card carryover, period.

Have a personal activity that can keep you busy by yourself. Don't depend on each other for support/conversation/entertainment all the time. Our first year of marriage was as beginning graduate students, so that was no problem for us.

Have fun. Go on dates. Have a group of like-minded friends.

[Whisky Dog]

1) If you could go back and give a piece of advice to yourself in the first year of your marriage, what would it be.

Never to allow another person to have that much control. In my attempt to make him happy, I made the mistake from the beginning of always being the one to sacrifice while he always took. Now, I know to watch the patterns that develop from the beginning because they can be hard to break.

I would say from what you have written that you need to realize that there is more than one acceptable way to do something. Bo can have different ideas, and different opinions, and different ways of doing things and that is OK. You two do not have to be clones who agree on everything and who do everything exactly the same way. I am thinking that you might have been raised with the notion that there is one right answer to every question and that everyone must do everything that one right way. It makes you insecure or uncomfortable if Bo does anything outside of that narrow view. You think that you are just trying to help him and tell him the right way (because his different way must be the wrong way). As he accomplishes things at work outside of your guidance, he could grow to resent your treating him like he can't do anything right without your telling him what to do.

People who are highly raised into organized religion are mostly this way and have this problem because their whole life they are made to believe there is only on right way and they are doing that right way. It's a hard thing to let go when your whole life that is how you are indoctrined.

[angel_luv]

Thanks all for you perspectives. I appreciate your posting them.

[clambake]

Thanks all for you perspectives. I appreciate your posting them.

what did he think of the thread?

[angel_luv]

what did he think of the thread?

You would have to ask Bo. I think Bo mentioned to me that he had read it. But I was really tired from being away working at the rodeo all weekend and so do not trust my memory to quote him.

I am taking a class called " Changes That Heal". One of the exercises the course leader encourages is being honest with yourself and others about who you are, how you feel, and struggles you've had. That is one of the two main reasons I made this thread.

The other reason is that for years, I have kept many of my struggles to myself only to have no success in dealing with them. So I willing to try something new- being vulnerable publicly- in order to get the help I need.

I am grateful for the sounding board this forum has been to me.

[clambake]

don't you find it a little strange that the two of you have, so far, dodged this conversation?

[angel_luv]

don't you find it a little strange that the two of you have, so far, dodged this conversation?

Not really since we've both been working twelve hour days- leaving early in the morning and crashing when we get home.

I have literally only been home to sleep this weekend.

[clambake]

you're taking classes. he must have voiced some opinion.

if its too private, i understand.

[angel_luv]

you're taking classes. he must have voiced some opinion.

if its too private, i understand.

I just started the class two weeks ago.

Joining the class was my idea. Bo was agreeable to my wanting to sign up for the class. Though I don't think it matters to him one way or the other if I go.

I tell Bo anything he wants to know and probably some stuff he doesn't.
I think I might talk too much.

[JoeChalupa]

The wife and I are thinking about attending a marriage encounter this year just because. It will be 15 years together in March.

[clambake]

he might tell you that you're over-reacting. maybe you are.

[angel_luv]

The wife and I are thinking about attending a marriage encounter this year just because. It will be 15 years together in March.

My mom recommended to me before I ever met Bo or thought of getting married that it was a great idea to attend one marriage conference per year as a couple. Mom said she and my dad made it a point too and that their marriage was greatly blessed as a result.

Community Bible Christian Church is hosting a free marriage seminar this coming weekend, I think.
If Bo and I were off work, I would have liked to have gone to it.

[angel_luv]

he might tell you that you're over-reacting. maybe you are.


Everyone is entitled to their opinion.

If my perception of issues are due to my over active imagination, then I still have an over active imagination that needs to be dealt with.

But these feelings and concerns have been with me long term- are not something I came up with overnight one evening for kicks. Know what I mean?

I know that I am responsible for my own frame of mind and that the only person's behavior I can alter is my own.
But I think it is helpful to be aware of how other people affect me- both for the good and the negative- if only to know myself better.

[clambake]

ok, good luck. keep us posted.

[angel_luv]

ok, good luck. keep us posted.

Thank you very much! :)

[Blake]

Who has the cleaner desk? :wakeup :lol

they both have the cleaner desk.

[I. Hustle]

Everyone is entitled to their opinion.

If my perception of issues are due to my over active imagination, then I still have an over active imagination that needs to be dealt with.

But these feelings and concerns have been with me long term- are not something I came up with overnight one evening for kicks. Know what I mean?

I know that I am responsible for my own frame of mind and that the only person's behavior I can alter is my own.
But I think it is helpful to be aware of how other people affect me- both for the good and the negative- if only to know myself better.

Dang you just got told off by AL. Well her version of it anyway.




PWNED!!!

[clambake]

the power of christ compelled her.

[JudynTX]

AL,

I wish you good luck. You have to have patience in a marriage. :)

[PakiDan]

I think Yeats said it best...

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the center cannot hold;