Ethical Question

[Findog]

My fiancee left me six weeks ago. Story for anybody who is interested is here:

http://spurstalk.com/forums/showpost.php?p=4686163&postcount=154

Anyways, it's starting to sink in that this is for real, she's in all likelihood not coming back, and I'm trying to emotionally adjust and move forward. I am committed to No Contact as a means to do so.

I know that a rebound relationship is definitely a mistake. I'd be in it for the wrong reasons, and I can't be a good partner in a committed relationship until I properly grieve this one. I've been told by people who have been where I'm at that it'll probably take me 6-12 months before I am emotionally available to be in a relationship again.

That doesn't mean that I don't want companionship and somebody to do things with. It's been six weeks, and even though my brain is telling me that the breakup is most likely permanent, emotionally my heart is not there yet. Hope is a hard thing to kill. But I imagine that five months from now if nothing at all has changed between me and my ex, then I will no longer be concerning myself with thoughts of reconciliation.

My birthday is in February and will be a little over 3 months after the breakup. I was targeting around then as a good time to tiptoe back into the dating scene. I had a couple Friends with Benefits situations between my last two serious relationships. Do I just tell girls up front that I'm not far removed from a serious relationship, that I just want to casually date and leave it at that? Not that I expect it, but I figure if my ex is going to come back to me, it will probably be within six months of the breakup, and I know that I would probably drop whoever I was with to reconcile with her. By not committing to anything monogamous or exclusive, I don't hurt anybody if that remote scenario does come to pass. In addition, I'm not in a place where I can emotionally be available like you're supposed to in a relationship. I know that nobody would want to be getting involved with me now since I'm six weeks removed from an engagement. I just want somebody to hang out and do things with, maybe fool around with. Nothing serious. The last time I was newly single, my ex-gf had moved to another state for a job and we parted amicably and remained friends. And I met a girl not long after who had recently left her fiancee and wanted to hang out and stuff but did not want anything serious. I figure I need to find somebody kind of in the same boat as me.

[YoungB]

So what's the question? Sounds like you pretty much got it all figure out

[DeadlyDynasty]

Hey Fin,

I know I've already spoken on your situation a few times--and I wish I had the answer--but all I can say is it's a process. Normally I would tell you to forget about her and give up all hope on reconciliation, but most guys (myself included), would still still cling to hope. It's the most gut-wrenching feeling when you think you've found the "one," and it ends so abruptly. I'll tell ya right now that putting off long-term dating for a couple months is probably the smart thing to do. The first few weeks (and even months) you're still shell-shocked, so much so that you lose your edge and almost forget "how" to date (as weird as that sounds). Girls can see you're an emotional wreck no matter how much you try to hide it. It's like that line from Paul Simon's "Graceland:" Losing love is like a window in your heart, everybody sees you're blown apart, everybody feels the wind blow.

I handled my last break-up about as bad and self-destructive as you could, and I should've followed my own advice, but here's one way to go about it:

Go out these next couple months as often as you can. Hang out with friends, talk to girls whenever possible (any kind of talk, don't have to run game)--see as many female faces as you can cause it will slowly help the healing process--and just try to stay busy at work and in your free time. Keep your mind occupied. Don't stay shacked up in your apt (or house).

It's gonna happen man, one day you're gonna wake up and not care anymore or you're going to find the next girl that makes your heart race at 180 bpm.


Time.

[The Reckoning]

get a dog. hell, get two dogs.

[CuckingFunt]

Ethical question? General rule for relationships: If you're 100% honest, it's ethical. If you're not, it isn't.

As for the rest, be honest with yourself about how much you may be hurting from the breakup and everything else will fall into place. Most of the difficulties I've seen come when people (especially men, for toughness reasons) try to force something new because they don't want to be seen as too emo. Breakups hurt. Especially after putting yourself out there by proposing. Be honest with yourself and others, without making too big a deal of it, about what you're ready for, and you'll at least get off to a decent start.

Also, be prepared for the fact that, intentionally or not, you're going to be comparing everything and everyone to the best things about your ex and that relationship. Things will go bad if you try to resist, or are blindsided by, that comparison.

[DeadlyDynasty]

Also, be prepared for the fact that, intentionally or not, you're going to be comparing everything and everyone to the best things about your ex and that relationship. Things will go bad if you try to resist, or are blindsided by, that comparison.

:tu

[frodo]

it really looks a bit peculiar in the world today someone could be so committed & absorbed to a relationship. just start over again and you will surely better off, or find a celibate way of life and be happy living such a life. i must be lying to say i never had loved any female but i've emancipated myself from such haunts, being a celibate now I feel greater than ever.

[frodo]

http://www.iranmilitary.net/forum/showthread.php?t=5786


Mahatma Gandhi, considered the Father of India, took a vow of celebacy.
Ramakrishna Paramahamsa, one of the all time great spiritual figures in Hinduism.
Swami Vivekananda, the chief disciple of Ramakrishna Paramahamsa and the founder of Ramakrishna Math and Ramakrishna Mission, was one of the most famous spiritual teachers of the Vedanta philosophy in Hinduism.
Stephen Fry, the British actor, comedian, writer, critic, novelist and taxi driver, was the UK's most prominent and vocal celibate for several years, although he has since rediscovered the alleged joys of wanton carnality.
Isaac Newton, the mathematician and scientist (said by some to be the greatest scientist ever), was a virgin all his life.
Cliff Richard, singer, is one of the most vocal celibates of modern times.
Cosmopolitan agony aunt Irma Kurtz has been a celibate for years and years with no regrets.
Simone Weil was one of the best known European political thinkers of the 20th Century and, as far as anybody knows, a lifelong celibate.
Also rumoured to be a lifelong celibate was the Dutch philosopher and theologian Baruch Spinoza.
Dr. Temple Grandin, the American academic whose empathy with animals has led to her being a highly successful designer of humane animal management systems, is a voluntary celibate.
Stevie Smith, poet and novelist, was celibate all her adult life, after sampling and rejecting romance and sex in her youth. She was fiercely critical of those who thought that her life must be emotionally impoverished by not having sexual relationships any more, emphasizing the depth of her friendships, especially her bond with the aunt with whom she lived.
Pitt the Younger, legendary British Prime Minister, is generally agreed by historians to have died a virgin.
Nikola Tesla, who developed the system of alternating electrical current that is the standard nowadays worldwide, was a self-proclaimed celibate.
Carol Channing, the Broadway musical star of "Hello Dolly" fame was celibate in her marriage to Charles Lowe for 41 years.
Morrissey, the British singer and former member of the Smiths, was openly celibate for several years.
Benjamin N. Cardozo, former Chief Judge of the New York Court of Appeals and later Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States, is believed to have been celibate for most if not all of his life.
G. H. Hardy, twentieth century English mathematician who made ample contributions in number theory and who co-authored the famous Hardy-Weinberg law of population genetics. He was also the mentor of legendary prodigy Srinivasa Ramanujan (who was probably also a life-long celibate).
Paul Erdos, one of the most prolific mathematicians in history, having participated in more than 20,000 papers. He was born in Hungary but never held a home or a job, relying instead on the hospitality of other mathematicians with whom he collaborated and on the money he received for conferences. See The Man Who Loved Only Numbers, by Paul Hoffman (Hyperion, 1998).
Abdul Kalam, former President of India, also known as The Missile Man of India for his contributions to the Indian missile program, is a thorough celibate. He believes in constant improvement of the society and nation. His presidential term ended July, 2007.
Antonio Gaudi, the Spanish architect most famous for the Segrada Familia in Barcelona, is said to never have had sex.
Alan Christie Wilson of the blues-rock group Canned Heat was a voluntary celibate in the later part of his life, according to his authorised biographer Krisna Radha. The reasons seem to be a mix of medical, spiritual and issues from childhood.
"Divorced novelist Beryl Bainbridge revealed that she gave up men because, when she was 56, she felt having a physical relationship with a man was 'no longer dignified', and anyway her life was far too full of other things like writing, children and friends." - quote from a Daily Mail article by Jenny Nisbet (approx.) 1 December 1998.
Rufus Wainwright, who after being raped at 14 remained celibate for seven years.
Rivers Cuomo, the American musician, took a vow of celibacy for several years while completing his studies at Harvard University. He began practicing Vipassana meditation around the same time. Cuomo discontinued his vow when he married Kyoko Ito on June 18, 2006.
frodo- great MF'N lord of the ring

[lil'mo]

:cry my gf broke up with me :cry

[KapitanTutan]

It's gonna happen man, one day you're gonna wake up and not care anymore or you're going to find the next girl that makes your heart race at 180 bpm.

:clap

[MaNuMaNiAc]

:tu if you were expecting "Now this is the story all about how My life got flipped, turned upside down ..."at the end...

[Roddy Beaubois]

:cry my gf broke up with me :cry

:cry a guy I ignored on the internet died :cry

[Glenn Holland]

do everything you can to fuck one of her family members or friends

pound that pussy hard, break off in her, and always scoff at the gutter slut that you used to date.

[SAtown]

http://i54.tinypic.com/k2lfzn.png

[td4mvp21]

I'm really sorry to hear about all of this Findog, I wish you the best.

As for your question, I think being upfront and honest is the best policy. You wouldn't want to end up hurting someone the way or in a similar but less intense way that you have been hurt by your fiancee.

[TE]

Just play it cool, brah, if she doesn't come back then she ain't for you. But you got to try and want her back, then just as you initiate that stimuli, kick back and await for her attempt to get you back.


It works.

[koriwhat]

seriously? get out there and play the field. if anything sparks your interest then roll with it, if not, move on.

you're going to do yourself no justice thinking about your ex(it's hard, i know) and even though you wish things were different, just remember, she left your ass at the door. don't give her the satisfaction of turning you into her lil' whipping boy if she does come back. you jumping back into her arms only suggests to her that she's won and can do as she pleases.

move on already and chalk it up as a chapter in your book that needs to be burned, turn the page!

[symple19]

lol koriwhat doling out relationship advice

[lil_penny]

fin ive been where you have and quite frankly its hard.. like cuckingfut said your going to be comparing every girl to your ex.. and from what ive found out thats not a good idea:lol but its pretty much going to happen whether you want to or not, it took me a little longer then 12 months to get over my ex and during those times i found the best solution was hooking up with randoms basically letting it all hang out.. sure it wouldnt fill the void, but its better then sitting at home wishing she would come back(which i did for a while) get together with some of your friends for a night on the town, get blackout drunk and grind your dick on every piece of pussy that steps on the dancefloor.. and on nights you dont feel like going out theres plenty of chick looking to hookup on this site plentyoffish.com:toast

basically im just trying to say dont let her leaving you affect your social life, get out there and have fun dont be down on yourself i know that feeling and it sucks ass. good luck man:toast

[TE]

btw, it's an unethical question...imo

[timvp]

Seriously my advice would be take at least a year away from the drama. Get the grieving over with and then enjoy your freedom. Do things you always wanted to do and won't be able to do as easily when you are rolling two deep. A year sounds like a long time but it will fly by and you'll be much healthier at the end of it. Then you can get back into the game.

You try to rush now and the lines will blur and you could end up with everything feeling like one big clusteruck. You need to pump your brakes and drive slow homie.

[silverblk mystix]

As far as what to tell new people...well ...frankly-you don't owe anyone any explanations.

To answer your question, you can always say the truth...that you are not looking to complicate your life right now and are just enjoying being single. As far as hookups, that begins to get complicated if all you want is sex and they mistake it for something more meaningful-so do be honest and straightforward if the discussion turns to sex-even if you are horny.

I would disagree with trying to forget your ex and to distract yourself in general-all that does is...it makes you run away from learning something valuable from your pain.

Pain is a signal that there is something seriously wrong with you. For example, right now the pain you are feeling is the pain from an addiction....try to understand how you came to be dependent on ANOTHER human being for happiness. Once you do the work and learn to understand how you let yourself become addicted to another person...there won't be a need to distract yourself and it won't matter what the future brings or who else the future brings because you will know how to find happiness WITHOUT depending on anyone else for it.

One last thing;

Learn to enjoy your current situation:
If you are single-learn to be the happiest single person...enjoy doing things for yourself...enjoy your own company.

If you are in a relationship...do the same...enjoy being part of a couple.

Right now is your time to be single and free-don't cheat yourself by wishing for what used to be or anxiously awaiting who is coming in to your life next.

[Heath Ledger]

The best way to get over an ex is to get some strange. Raw dog it and bail.

[silverblk mystix]

...ALSO...

Grieving is interesting to examine.
We don't grieve for someone we have allowed to be free--as much...so I would look into that also...

The great poet-Kahlil Gibran had some beautiful lines to describe pain and there is much to learn from them;

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

and...

Your pain is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.


Good luck and look into yourself to benefit from this.

[Nick Manning]

I've never had that problem so I'm afraid I can't help you.

[desflood]

Fin, you're overthinking it a bit. Just try to relax a little and don't push anything. Dating or not, go on about your otherwise normal life and some spark will ignite when you meet a good one.

[tlongII]

Get over it already. Jesus.

[marini martini]

Get over it already. Jesus.
:lmao

[Sportcamper]

Findog- Dude, You seriously need to move on…This was a girlfriend, not your wife of 15 years who you had three children with & then she dumped you for a surfer…Do you understand how better off you are having this happened now instead of after you were married?

My advice is to hang out with some of these manly men in SA to get your self esteem back…Call Cosmic Cowboy & ask if you can help castrate some of his cows, go shoot a deer, ride a horse, drink a few beers, learn to make awesome chili…Heck, go volunteer your time helping out at a home for the aged….

Life is too short to continually be upset about what might have been….

[tlongII]

It's clear to me that the chick has met somebody else. You were engaged, not married. I see no problem with anything she has done. Shit happens.

[tlongII]

In fact I don't see anything that conclusively shows you were engaged either. The fact that she told her parents that she wanted to marry you doesn't mean you're engaged. Did you give her a ring? Did she give it back? Sounds to me like you fell head over heal and then got dumped. Bummer deal, but that's life.

[Findog]

In fact I don't see anything that conclusively shows you were engaged either. The fact that she told her parents that she wanted to marry you doesn't mean you're engaged. Did you give her a ring? Did she give it back? Sounds to me like you fell head over heal and then got dumped. Bummer deal, but that's life.

That's not really what this thread is about. The horse is already out past the barn door. It's more about moving forward and how/when I should tiptoe back into the dating scene.

[tlongII]

That's not really what this thread is about. The horse is already out past the barn door. It's more about moving forward and how/when I should tiptoe back into the dating scene.

Sorry. I suggest not falling head over heels for the next chick you date for a couple of months. :tu

[Wild Cobra]

First response, before even reading the OP...

Do you really expect to find ethics here?

[Wild Cobra]

I'm not going to go into the details of my breakup 15 years ago, but it was a long time before I could start a relationship without sabotaging it myself. Kind of a self defense mechanism I would unconsciously do, so I couldn't get hurt again. It wasn't till recently I realize I was doing it. Is it possible, that's what she is doing as well? As for the ethics, like CF says, just stay honest. There are some who are on the rebound themselves, and may appreciate someone in the same place.

[Findog]

Pain is a signal that there is something seriously wrong with you. For example, right now the pain you are feeling is the pain from an addiction....try to understand how you came to be dependent on ANOTHER human being for happiness. Once you do the work and learn to understand how you let yourself become addicted to another person...there won't be a need to distract yourself and it won't matter what the future brings or who else the future brings because you will know how to find happiness WITHOUT depending on anyone else for it.

I guess when you're a relatively normal, well-adjusted person in a relationship that appears to be healthy, functional, and you have somebody that loves you, it's impossible not to be happy, right? I guess what happens sometimes is that this person is such a source of joy in your life that other things fade to the background and you devote much of your mental energy and time into putting in your due diligence so the relationship thrives ands grows. And it's taken from you without warning and no way to emotionally prepare for it. This is grief and I have to work through it. I am committed to making the most of it and trying to learn from it. I think the best piece of advice I have received is to assign the blame for the demise of the relationship to her, but embark on learning and growth as if it's my fault.

[Blake]

enjoy your freedom. Do things you always wanted to do and won't be able to do as easily when you are rolling two deep.

+10000