Selfish?

[Tinystarz]

Ok this is kinda long so if you wish not to give your opinions(or stupid ones) please move on.


I need yalls(some of you not so much) opinion on some issues currently going on in my circle of friends. I am really family oriented so I found what my friend is doing kind of...well mean.
His mother is ill. Very ill. He was kind of a mama's boy tbh,however it could have been an act just to please his mother. I really don't know. But one thing I do know is no matter how tough, cool or bad ass you try to be or make yourself appear to be...you love your mom. I mean if she raised you and didn't leave you in a dumpster some where. You love your mom/dad parents. Unless your some nut job.
So his mom is sick and doctors are not giving good news. So maybe it's her time to go. She is 86 and she has made her peace. She said she is ready to rest. She has 7 kids all grown up and about 5 grandkids(all under 4) They live some distance aways so some can't visit as often as they would like. Her health is up and down and has been in the hospital more times then he'd like to count.

So yesterday as I stopped by his house to go visit his mother in the hospital he said no. He would see her like every 2 or 3 days. But he said he is not visiting anymore. I asked why and he said he didn't want to see her in that condition anymore. He confided in me saying he made his peace with her and said his goodbyes. HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU DO THAT...SHE IS ALIVE STILL? I was shocked and could not believe it. He said I love her and I can't see her like that anymore. So I said what about your dad...your dad is at her bedside crying over her. You need to be there for him no? He said no. Is this his way of dealing with death? Is he being selfish? Does he not want to deal with the pain of losing his mother...or the pain of seeing his dad cry?

Input ?

[clambake]

oops....sorry, i thought you said shellfish.

[Fpoonsie]

As someone that's lost a parent suddenly, it seems bizarre to not want to spend as much time as you possibly can w/ that person if odds are they're on their way out.

However, if this is his way of dealing, if he feels he's made his peace, then it's on him. He'll be stuck with whatever consequences after the fact, so might as well let him be.

[mrsmaalox]

Selfish. But also not an uncommon grief reaction. Fpoon is right, that's his deal.

[Frenzy]

It's border line selfish. We all have our way of dealing with things ..death being a major deal. I would assume he wants to remember the way she was as opposed to the way she is. Don't know the current state of his mom but being in a hospital isn't the most happiest places to be. Perhaps the "making peace" was all he needed. Many ppl don't have that option. However not being by his fathers side is a bit selfish. I'm sure his dad was there for him a number of times growing up...I'd say now is the time his dad needs him most. That's hard to do however. Tears from his father can very well spark is own. Perhaps this is what your friend is trying to avoid. Tough decisions.

[Viva Las Espuelas]

Yeah. That is tough. People just handle death differently. I don't blame him for not wanting to see his mom hooked up to all those damn machines. It's really his decision. One that I really don't think you have the right to question. He's already going through enough, tbh.

[spursfan09]

Thats tough. I don't think it's totally selfish. I also believe that a parents' love is also stronger for thier child than vice versa. Maybe the parents are okay with one of thier children not being there becuase they know its hard, and do not want to put them through that pain.

[Dr. Gonzo]

oops....sorry, i thought you said shellfish.

Dammit now I want shrimp.

[phxspurfan]

oops....sorry, i thought you said shellfish.

http://www.scootys.com/easy_capture/images/owl-i-see.jpg

[PM5K]

Dude mind your own fucking business, tbh.

[Sisk]

As someone that's lost a parent suddenly, it seems bizarre to not want to spend as much time as you possibly can w/ that person if odds are they're on their way out.

However, if this is his way of dealing, if he feels he's made his peace, then it's on him. He'll be stuck with whatever consequences after the fact, so might as well let him be.


Selfish. But also not an uncommon grief reaction. Fpoon is right, that's his deal.


These

[MannyIsGod]

Yeah. That is tough. People just handle death differently. I don't blame him for not wanting to see his mom hooked up to all those damn machines. It's really his decision. One that I really don't think you have the right to question. He's already going through enough, tbh.


Dude mind your own fucking business, tbh.

Not nearly as selfish as you thinking its your right question him. WTF?

[DarkReign]

Dont agree with the "mind your business" crowd. I am a very blunt person with every person in my personal life and I expect the same honesty from those same people. It makes us all better.

If this is a close friend, nothing is off limits to each other's perspective. Nothing.

Now, if this isnt a super close friend, probably better to mind your business.

[PM5K]

I have a lot of friends of varying degrees of closeness and I can't think of a single one that I'd criticize for how they react to their mother dying.

Some stuff really is, just none of your fucking business.

Unless of course he was popping bottles and celebrating a huge inheritance, then again I'd probably cease to be that persons friend.

[tlongII]

She's 86 and all her grandkids are under 5 years old?! Weird...

[Viva Las Espuelas]

I have a lot of friends of varying degrees of closeness and I can't think of a single one that I'd criticize for how they react to their mother dying.

Some stuff really is, just none of your fucking business.

Unless of course he was popping bottles and celebrating a huge inheritance, then again I'd probably cease to be that persons friend.

Yep. I was about to say the same thing. If he's not endangering his life or others, I'd make sure he's ok and go about my business. If a friend were to voice his opinion, like the OP, to me, I'd tell him "thanks for asking" and politely tell him to mind his own business.

[MannyIsGod]

Just to be clear, I was agreeing with Viva and PM5K. My comment was directed at OP.

[MannyIsGod]

Dont agree with the "mind your business" crowd. I am a very blunt person with every person in my personal life and I expect the same honesty from those same people. It makes us all better.

If this is a close friend, nothing is off limits to each other's perspective. Nothing.

Now, if this isnt a super close friend, probably better to mind your business.

I don't expect my close friends to tell me how to react during periods of grief because there is no right or wrong way to do that.

[ashbeeigh]

Everyone has a different type of grieving process, like maalox said. If he was a mama's boy before it is probably very hard to see his mother in that type of situation/shape. Do his siblings visit with his mother weekly/daily? If so, does he talk to them? He may hear about his mother through them. It's something that you won't understand until you've gone through.

I think what you should do, instead of thinking that your friend is being selfish is be prepared to be supportive when his mother does pass away. Ask him if there is anything you can do for him. It may also be that everyone continues to talk about it. It's just something that is overpowering and causes lots of anxiety for some people.

Like I said, you don't know until you're there. So don't judge him. That's the worst you can do of a friend.

[The Reckoning]

the lady is 86. some people's moms dont live to be half that age. it's not a big deal.

[Sisk]

the lady is 86. some people's moms dont live to be half that age. it's not a big deal.

:bang

[Sisk]

I really don't know how I feel about this whole situation tbh. On one hand he is being selfish in that he's made his peace with the fact that she's passing away and won't see her even though I'm sure she'd love to see him. On the other, it's hard to judge someone's actions on how they deal with the (future) death of a parent. As someone who dealt with this very situation about 2 years ago with my father it's definitely the lowest point of my life but I'm still glad I was there until the end. I can't imagine my regret if I'd have left because it was difficult for me to experience, because surely what he was experiencing was unimaginable.

At the end of the day if you have a mutual friend with him that has been through something similar I'd have them talk to him if they agree with your side. It's hard for someone that's going through this situation to listen to someone who's naive to the experience. He's much more likely to respect the opinion of someone who's been there and done that.

As others have said, we all deal with grief differently. I hope he doesn't regret his decision if he doesn't change his mind.

[Cyrano]

It's hard to say. I can fully understand why he doesn't want to see his mom in that condition, but NOT going to see her anyway will most likely haunt him the rest of his life. I lost my mom on Christmas eve, and hadn't seen her for almost a year, but I did speak to her on the phone every day for the last three years. She was 88, but luckily didn't have any "final illness" or hospital stay. She was living in her own home, and the night before her death she was in good spirits and feeling fine. I was really surprised that I didn't feel any guilt over her death....I had traveled to Virginia many times to help her set up her house and be as self-sufficient as possible.
The point is, if I hadn't been in close touch with her, I would no doubt feel a lot worse about her death.
That being said, it is totally up to your friend to decide what his comfort level is with his grief. If he is unable to cope with it before his mom's passing, I'm sure he'll have issues after her passing. Ultimately, though, it's up to him to decide what he can deal with and when he can deal with it. I wish him the best.

[Stringer_Bell]

It's his family issue. How you'd deal with it is how you'd deal with it, but just keep in mind that even though you've been friends for X amount of years, he's also been her child for X amount of years. Ideally, family sticks together until the last man is standing, but it doesn't always work like that and we can't let it get in the way of our own relationships with others. If anything, just let it reflect in how you treat your parents and the people close to you in a positive way - be the strength you want to see in others, but don't push it on everyone.

[Darrin]

It depends on if he's said goodbye to his mother to her face. To leave his mother with the impression that her own son doesn't love her, doesn't want to see her, is selfish. Put your feelings aside and be there for your family.