Ed Helicopter Jones
03-05-2011, 01:30 AM
Ladies and Gentlemen….it’s SPAM time!!
Greetings brothers and sisters of the mighty SPAM!!
I can’t believe another year has come and gone! Amazing! I love summer, I love the spring, the fall is alright, and I can almost endure crappy ass winter. But there is one season that stands out above all others. There is one season that brings men and women from all nationalities, occupations, creeds and beliefs together. Whether you’re gay or straight or bi, pierced or unpierced, tatted or untatted, un-retarded or from Victoria, TX, there is one season that provides meaning and hope to people around the world. One season that lets you know that life is indeed worth living. That season my friends, is SPAM season!!! And amazingly it’s here again. (Unless, of course, you’re a Mavs fan. In that case you’re simply fvcked and without hope of a championship every season.)
For those of you new to the SPAM, let me give you a brief history: Back in spring of 2003 the Spurs were suffering through a less than inspiring basketball season. Memories of the 1999 championship were by that time a faded memory. The Lakers were coming off back to back to back championships. The top Spurs internet fan forum was divided into two bickering camps of non-believers. David Robinson was completing his last season of basketball. Hope had been abandoned by most that we’d ever have an opportunity to see a second Spurs championship.
From that bleak period of misery I was visited by the spirit of SPAM. The little oblong blue can of miscellaneous mammalian flesh, flavored to sodium injected perfection suddenly started to speak to me……”SPURS PEAK AFTER MARCH”. I’d hear it all the time…everyday…the cans would speak to me from the pantry, they’d speak to me in the grocery store, the cans of SPAM I’d bring to bed with me would speak to me…they’d speak to me in the shower, at work, at the dinner table. SPURS PEAK AFTER MARCH…SPURS PEAK AFTER MARCH…SPURS PEAK AFTER MARCH!!!
With all humility, and without any fanfare or attention grabbing changes to the website graphics, or other expressions of my own visions of self-absorbed grandeur whatsoever (as is my custom) I chose to share my message with the fine legions of Spurs fans throughout the globe who all tuned in together through this wonderful invention called the internetwork. To my surprise and delight my message of SPAMtopian bliss was met with excitement and enthusiasm. There was a healing among the warring members of Spurs fandom. Peace once again filled the internetwork. And when the mighty Spurs won the title that year, the SPAM messages took on even more relevance and became a permanent part of Spurs fan lore. Legions of SPAM members were born. When titles three and four were won in 2005 and 2007 the SPAM Pilgrimage legend grew even stronger.
So now, each year as March approaches, I venture out into the world to seek the truth and hear the SPAM speak. I have abandoned all worldly possessions since the spring of 2003. I quit my job, left everything that once mattered behind in order to pursue the ultimate knowledge, that of the mighty SPAM. Nothing else matters…nothing…DO YOU HEAR ME???!!!...DO YOU HEAR ME?!!!!
That being said…let me share my SPAM journal entries for 2011 with you all…..
Nov. 30, 2010: Kind of early in the season for me to check the standings, but what the heck….15 wins, 2 losses…hmmm… I guess they’ll come down off that fast start any time now. No need to wear themselves out too early in the year. It’s a little late in the day, but I’m off to fondle myself.
December 17, 2011: I see 22-3. Still rolling…damn. I spend an hour fondling myself in joyous SPAM filled splendor.
January 2, 2011: Just woke up from a New Year’s Eve party that I attended at the overpass by the riverbed. Good time. One Legged Willie did that trick where he pulls the plate off his brain and lets everyone see his knowledge. Dude is a riot! But I realize it’s no longer time for fun and games. It’s now time to start my pre-SPAM season training regime. Eat a can of SPAM every two hours followed by 3 push-ups. I obviously haven’t been training. I’m down to a mere 360 pounds…I might blow away! As I check the standings I see the Spurs at 29-4….wait a minute…29-4?! SPAM my ass….more like SPAN: SPURS PEAK AFTER NOVEMBER this year. Time to put down the pen and fondle away.
January 22, 2011: 24 point loss at New Orleans…this feels a little more like the type of January game I’m used to see from my Spurs. No need to work too hard fellas! Take it easy!! Pace yourselves…damnit!! I just finished 3 pushups and some self-groping. Scale says 385…the training is looking good, bitches!!
February 1, 2011: Since when does 11 and 4 over the last 15 games feel like the Spurs are slumping, especially this early in the year??? I vow not to look at the standings again until after March 1. There is something amiss in the SPAMiverse when my Spurs have a record this far above the rest of the league. I think about their lofty record and fondle myself a little…ok, a lot, who am I kidding.
February 15, 2011: Just watched all the Matt Bonner training videos. That dude is funny. However, for the first time in years I don’t feel like fondling myself.
February 28, 2011: Took my first shower of 2011 in anticipation of SPAM season. Felt good. Nice to be clean. And to think it was a golden shower to boot! Those cost far more than I remember spending back in the day. Those Asians and their message parlors. The only message I got today was that I need more money...and some soap next time.
March 1: I pull out the newspaper and skip over to the sports section. What’s this? Ok…Spurs lose by 16 to Memphis…I guess they took February off as anticipated. Now I look at the standings…still up by 6 games on the rest of the league??! WTF?!!! SPAM? Really? Do we really need you this year SPAM? F’ you SPAM. F’ you!!!
Later on March 1: Sorry SPAM…so very sorry. I love you. I love you so much. I’ll do anything for you. Tell me what you want. WHAT DO YOU WANT?!!! WHY ARENT YOU TALKING TO ME???!! F’ YOU SPAM!!! F’ YOU!!!
Even later on March 1: Very sorry….so very sorry. I love you SPAM. I love you, you stupid blue biotch.
Even later than that on March 1: Come back baby…I love you. I didn’t mean it. I love you SPAM…call me.
March 2: I’ve decided not to finish my SPAM pilgrimage this year. What’s the point? We’ve got the league’s best record. We’re obviously rolling.
March 3: I decided to fondle myself all day. Didn’t even think about SPAM. Went by the Asian message parlor. No messages today either. That place sucks. I check my scale…415 pounds. I’m officially awesome. Damn…and to think, all that good training shot to hell.
March 4: I had a dream last night. Jessica Alba came to me in my sleep….as per my custom. We made wild passionate love, I was a 415 pound wildebeast…she was my 100 pound innocent concubine. Everything that is humanly possibly for two people of the opposite sex to do to each other we did that night. Every angle, every way, every position, every aid, tool and mechanical device known to man was given a go. Then, after our lengthy 43 second love fest ended, I looked deeply into her satisfied eyes. We stared at each other. With a knowing look she opened those beautiful pouty lips of hers and prepared to say something. I leaned in. But as soon as the sound started to emanate from those amazing pipes of hers she suddenly transformed into a gigantic can of SPAM. Wow! Nothing could have been more exciting, or beautiful, than this vision of shiny blue steel in front of me…heaven, or so I thought. But then it got even better. This immaculate metallic monolith started to rattle and hum. Ever so gently, the SPAM whispered….”Three. One. One. One. Three. A fifth championship is guaranteed to thee.” “2011 completes the cycle…now go out and ride a unicycle…you damn homeless ape.” “Oh, and while I’m thinking about it, when the Mayan calendar expires at the end of 2012 you’ll all die a fiery death. Have a nice day.”
And just like that…the SPAM turned back into a naked, writhing Jessica Alba beneath me. I reached down and threw back the covers and stared at what lie there, beckoning me. Sadly, the SPAM was gone. So sad. But the message was clear…we’re going to win the championship!!! SPAMMEN!!!
So…there you have it. A fifth title is guaranteed. If you have the urge to place a wager on the outcome of the 2011 season, or on the end of the earth as we know it, feel free to do so. Again, always remember the SPAM is never wrong………in odd numbered years………not counting 2009.
SPAMMEN!!!
Greetings brothers and sisters of the mighty SPAM!!
I can’t believe another year has come and gone! Amazing! I love summer, I love the spring, the fall is alright, and I can almost endure crappy ass winter. But there is one season that stands out above all others. There is one season that brings men and women from all nationalities, occupations, creeds and beliefs together. Whether you’re gay or straight or bi, pierced or unpierced, tatted or untatted, un-retarded or from Victoria, TX, there is one season that provides meaning and hope to people around the world. One season that lets you know that life is indeed worth living. That season my friends, is SPAM season!!! And amazingly it’s here again. (Unless, of course, you’re a Mavs fan. In that case you’re simply fvcked and without hope of a championship every season.)
For those of you new to the SPAM, let me give you a brief history: Back in spring of 2003 the Spurs were suffering through a less than inspiring basketball season. Memories of the 1999 championship were by that time a faded memory. The Lakers were coming off back to back to back championships. The top Spurs internet fan forum was divided into two bickering camps of non-believers. David Robinson was completing his last season of basketball. Hope had been abandoned by most that we’d ever have an opportunity to see a second Spurs championship.
From that bleak period of misery I was visited by the spirit of SPAM. The little oblong blue can of miscellaneous mammalian flesh, flavored to sodium injected perfection suddenly started to speak to me……”SPURS PEAK AFTER MARCH”. I’d hear it all the time…everyday…the cans would speak to me from the pantry, they’d speak to me in the grocery store, the cans of SPAM I’d bring to bed with me would speak to me…they’d speak to me in the shower, at work, at the dinner table. SPURS PEAK AFTER MARCH…SPURS PEAK AFTER MARCH…SPURS PEAK AFTER MARCH!!!
With all humility, and without any fanfare or attention grabbing changes to the website graphics, or other expressions of my own visions of self-absorbed grandeur whatsoever (as is my custom) I chose to share my message with the fine legions of Spurs fans throughout the globe who all tuned in together through this wonderful invention called the internetwork. To my surprise and delight my message of SPAMtopian bliss was met with excitement and enthusiasm. There was a healing among the warring members of Spurs fandom. Peace once again filled the internetwork. And when the mighty Spurs won the title that year, the SPAM messages took on even more relevance and became a permanent part of Spurs fan lore. Legions of SPAM members were born. When titles three and four were won in 2005 and 2007 the SPAM Pilgrimage legend grew even stronger.
So now, each year as March approaches, I venture out into the world to seek the truth and hear the SPAM speak. I have abandoned all worldly possessions since the spring of 2003. I quit my job, left everything that once mattered behind in order to pursue the ultimate knowledge, that of the mighty SPAM. Nothing else matters…nothing…DO YOU HEAR ME???!!!...DO YOU HEAR ME?!!!!
That being said…let me share my SPAM journal entries for 2011 with you all…..
Nov. 30, 2010: Kind of early in the season for me to check the standings, but what the heck….15 wins, 2 losses…hmmm… I guess they’ll come down off that fast start any time now. No need to wear themselves out too early in the year. It’s a little late in the day, but I’m off to fondle myself.
December 17, 2011: I see 22-3. Still rolling…damn. I spend an hour fondling myself in joyous SPAM filled splendor.
January 2, 2011: Just woke up from a New Year’s Eve party that I attended at the overpass by the riverbed. Good time. One Legged Willie did that trick where he pulls the plate off his brain and lets everyone see his knowledge. Dude is a riot! But I realize it’s no longer time for fun and games. It’s now time to start my pre-SPAM season training regime. Eat a can of SPAM every two hours followed by 3 push-ups. I obviously haven’t been training. I’m down to a mere 360 pounds…I might blow away! As I check the standings I see the Spurs at 29-4….wait a minute…29-4?! SPAM my ass….more like SPAN: SPURS PEAK AFTER NOVEMBER this year. Time to put down the pen and fondle away.
January 22, 2011: 24 point loss at New Orleans…this feels a little more like the type of January game I’m used to see from my Spurs. No need to work too hard fellas! Take it easy!! Pace yourselves…damnit!! I just finished 3 pushups and some self-groping. Scale says 385…the training is looking good, bitches!!
February 1, 2011: Since when does 11 and 4 over the last 15 games feel like the Spurs are slumping, especially this early in the year??? I vow not to look at the standings again until after March 1. There is something amiss in the SPAMiverse when my Spurs have a record this far above the rest of the league. I think about their lofty record and fondle myself a little…ok, a lot, who am I kidding.
February 15, 2011: Just watched all the Matt Bonner training videos. That dude is funny. However, for the first time in years I don’t feel like fondling myself.
February 28, 2011: Took my first shower of 2011 in anticipation of SPAM season. Felt good. Nice to be clean. And to think it was a golden shower to boot! Those cost far more than I remember spending back in the day. Those Asians and their message parlors. The only message I got today was that I need more money...and some soap next time.
March 1: I pull out the newspaper and skip over to the sports section. What’s this? Ok…Spurs lose by 16 to Memphis…I guess they took February off as anticipated. Now I look at the standings…still up by 6 games on the rest of the league??! WTF?!!! SPAM? Really? Do we really need you this year SPAM? F’ you SPAM. F’ you!!!
Later on March 1: Sorry SPAM…so very sorry. I love you. I love you so much. I’ll do anything for you. Tell me what you want. WHAT DO YOU WANT?!!! WHY ARENT YOU TALKING TO ME???!! F’ YOU SPAM!!! F’ YOU!!!
Even later on March 1: Very sorry….so very sorry. I love you SPAM. I love you, you stupid blue biotch.
Even later than that on March 1: Come back baby…I love you. I didn’t mean it. I love you SPAM…call me.
March 2: I’ve decided not to finish my SPAM pilgrimage this year. What’s the point? We’ve got the league’s best record. We’re obviously rolling.
March 3: I decided to fondle myself all day. Didn’t even think about SPAM. Went by the Asian message parlor. No messages today either. That place sucks. I check my scale…415 pounds. I’m officially awesome. Damn…and to think, all that good training shot to hell.
March 4: I had a dream last night. Jessica Alba came to me in my sleep….as per my custom. We made wild passionate love, I was a 415 pound wildebeast…she was my 100 pound innocent concubine. Everything that is humanly possibly for two people of the opposite sex to do to each other we did that night. Every angle, every way, every position, every aid, tool and mechanical device known to man was given a go. Then, after our lengthy 43 second love fest ended, I looked deeply into her satisfied eyes. We stared at each other. With a knowing look she opened those beautiful pouty lips of hers and prepared to say something. I leaned in. But as soon as the sound started to emanate from those amazing pipes of hers she suddenly transformed into a gigantic can of SPAM. Wow! Nothing could have been more exciting, or beautiful, than this vision of shiny blue steel in front of me…heaven, or so I thought. But then it got even better. This immaculate metallic monolith started to rattle and hum. Ever so gently, the SPAM whispered….”Three. One. One. One. Three. A fifth championship is guaranteed to thee.” “2011 completes the cycle…now go out and ride a unicycle…you damn homeless ape.” “Oh, and while I’m thinking about it, when the Mayan calendar expires at the end of 2012 you’ll all die a fiery death. Have a nice day.”
And just like that…the SPAM turned back into a naked, writhing Jessica Alba beneath me. I reached down and threw back the covers and stared at what lie there, beckoning me. Sadly, the SPAM was gone. So sad. But the message was clear…we’re going to win the championship!!! SPAMMEN!!!
So…there you have it. A fifth title is guaranteed. If you have the urge to place a wager on the outcome of the 2011 season, or on the end of the earth as we know it, feel free to do so. Again, always remember the SPAM is never wrong………in odd numbered years………not counting 2009.
SPAMMEN!!!