Need help with the help

[cantthinkofanything]

I have a strong suspicion that the maid has been doing Number 2 in the master bathroom. More often than not, when I go in there after she’s been working, it smells really weird. Also, I’ve been positioning the toilet paper before I leave so I can tell if it’s been messed with (which it always has been lately).

I realize this isn’t proof enough to get rid of her. I also think I could get in trouble if I installed a camera in the bathroom and recorded her.

What I’m looking for is some kind of stool catching device that I can place deep in the toilet. I envision some type of screen that allows the liquids to pass but would trap most of the fecal material. Something with a handle that makes it easy to put in and out of the toilet.

Does anyone know where I can get one of these?

[I. Hustle]

what I would do is make one out of one of those nets they use to catch minnows. I think the hardest part would be getting the measurements to make a ring big enough to not go down the commode. Plus you would need to leave enough netting so that it doesn't just stop where it can be seen right away.
Another thing you could do is saran wrap the toilet that way when she sits it will get all over her. If she is cleaning your living room and you see shit all down her legs then you know for a fact she did it.
One more thing to consider is buying one of those talking birds to put in there. If after some time he starts making grunting noises or fart sounds that you know aren't yours or your family's then you got her.

[cantthinkofanything]

One more thing to consider is buying one of those talking birds to put in there. If after some time he starts making grunting noises or fart sounds that you know aren't yours or your family's then you got her.

Brilliant. The talking bird it is. I will keep the board updated on the situation.

[Rain Man]

Or put one of these up. Obviously they are fake but to a puerto rican, cuban, honduran or whatever other type of mexican you have working for you it will look real enough. Be careful to put it high though so they don't try to steal it.
http://www.slipperybrick.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/bird-webcam.jpg

[tlongII]

I would just leave a book of matches by the sink. :tu

[coyotes_geek]

I have a strong suspicion that the maid has been doing Number 2 in the master bathroom. More often than not, when I go in there after she’s been working, it smells really weird. Also, I’ve been positioning the toilet paper before I leave so I can tell if it’s been messed with (which it always has been lately).

I realize this isn’t proof enough to get rid of her. I also think I could get in trouble if I installed a camera in the bathroom and recorded her.

What I’m looking for is some kind of stool catching device that I can place deep in the toilet. I envision some type of screen that allows the liquids to pass but would trap most of the fecal material. Something with a handle that makes it easy to put in and out of the toilet.

Does anyone know where I can get one of these?

Unfortunately for you, you are severely underestimating the complexity of this operation. First off, let's be honest here, your maid is infinitely more familiar with the business end of your toilet than you are. It may be your master bathroom, but she's the one having the weekly menage-a-trois with the toilet and your skidmarks. You're on her turf, not the other way around.

Sure, you could run down to Bed Bath & Beyond and pick up a kitchen strainer to serve as your handled fecal retriever for $5.99 (or even for 20% off of that if you've checked your mail for one of those fucking coupons they send you every 37 minutes), but that would easily be noticed. No, if you want to do this right you're going to need to get a little more sophisticated.

In order to be adequately concealed, any turd catching contraption will need to be downstream of the bowl. There's two ways you can do this. The low cost option would be to just unseat the toilet and install a 6 inch wire mesh basket. You'll need to do some calculations based on your maid's BMI to estimate the volume required. I recommend incorporating a factor of safety of at least 2.0 in your calculations. Also, be sure to make adjustments to the guage of wire as needed to accommodate for any special dietary considerations of your maid due to high consumption of ethnic foods. Now this option can be implemented at a reasonable cost, but the downside is that it's going to be very maintenace intensive. Every time you want to check for an unauthorized dropping off of the kids at the pool you're going to have to manually unseat the toilet and then reseat it.

If you're looking for a less labor intensive option, you can install a bypass sewer line for just a few thousand dollars more. A bypass line with a couple of properly installed gate valves would allow you to divert flow from your toilet into a separate storage tank. When you leave for the day, just divert the toilet flow and any unauthorized dropping off of the kids at the pool will automatically be diverted into the storage tank, readily available for inspection upon your return. Placement of the storage tank is crucial here. You probably don't want it located somewhere where your maid would find it during her normal cleaning operations. I recommend locating it outside. So, unseat the toilet, install the gate valves, jackhammer into your house slab to route the bypass line outside, and install the tank somewhere in your back yard. Simple as that.

I hope this information was helpful. Good luck!

[cantthinkofanything]

^
Yeah...I think I'm going to go with the talking bird...

[desflood]

Would you prefer that she go somewhere other than the bathroom?

[cantthinkofanything]

Would you prefer that she go somewhere other than the bathroom?

I prefer that she does not make poop in my house at all. 99% of the time, I can choose when and where I Number 2. I don't have to immediatly stop doing what I'm doing and use someone else's bathroom.

[desflood]

Well, you feel free to go ahead and tell her that she's good enough to clean your toilet but not use it, and report back to us on how that goes for you. Maybe we'll even visit you in the hospital afterward :lol

[Wild Cobra]

Along with the mall thread, I can't help but wonder if this is a troll thread.

[cantthinkofanything]

Well, you feel free to go ahead and tell her that she's good enough to clean your toilet but not use it, and report back to us on how that goes for you. Maybe we'll even visit you in the hospital afterward :lol

When the mechanic fixes my car, I don't expect him to drive it.
When the chef cooks my food, I don't expect him to eat it.
When the butler brings my tea, I don't expect him to drink it.
So I don't expect the maid to make poopy in the toilet.
And it's just common courtesy.
When I go to someone's house and have to do Number 2, I wait until I get home.
But with her, it's like every damn time.

[Sisk]

So I don't expect the maid to make poopy in the toilet.


:lol

[RandomGuy]

I have a strong suspicion that the maid has been doing Number 2 in the master bathroom. More often than not, when I go in there after she’s been working, it smells really weird. Also, I’ve been positioning the toilet paper before I leave so I can tell if it’s been messed with (which it always has been lately).

I realize this isn’t proof enough to get rid of her. I also think I could get in trouble if I installed a camera in the bathroom and recorded her.

What I’m looking for is some kind of stool catching device that I can place deep in the toilet. I envision some type of screen that allows the liquids to pass but would trap most of the fecal material. Something with a handle that makes it easy to put in and out of the toilet.

Does anyone know where I can get one of these?

Does it occur to you that she might actually be *cleaning* the bathroom?

[cantthinkofanything]

Does it occur to you that she might actually be *cleaning* the bathroom?

With stool scented bowel cleaner and 30 squares of toilet paper?
Maybe. But either way, I'm about to get to the bottom of it. So to say.

[PM5K]

Actually if you were to install a master water shutoff for the bathroom in a remote location, you could shut off the water and empty the tank, then when she pinches a loaf, she won't be able to flush it and she'll be busted.

You could also just use a hidden camera and threaten to have her deported if she finds it.

You could also glue the roll of paper in place and if she comes out walking funny you know what's up.

[PM5K]

With stool scented bowel cleaner and 30 squares of toilet paper?
Maybe. But either way, I'm about to get to the bottom of it. So to say.

She wasted thirty squares of your quintuple-ply paper? I'd fire her for that alone.

[cantthinkofanything]

One more thing to consider is buying one of those talking birds to put in there. If after some time he starts making grunting noises or fart sounds that you know aren't yours or your family's then you got her.

I think the maid is smarter than I thought.

So I ended up purchasing a Lyrebird which is known for its ability to mimic different sounds. Also because my neighbor gave me a good deal on it.
I put it in a cage in the master bathroom to try to catch the maid making Numero Dos. I figured that it would take it at least several days to be able to mimic the doody noises. Anyway, about two days after I put the bird in there, the maid began going around the house singing songs in Spanish and punctuating every line with farting, squishing, plopping, and glopping noises. I confronted her about this and she told me in broken English that these are traditional songs that her family sang to her when she was little. I then asked her why she has just started singing them. To which she just shrugged her shoulders and said, “no understandy”.

So now, even when the bird begins to mimic the pooping noises, I won’t be able to definitively say that they were from the maid actually making doody or just from the sound effects in her songs.

I don’t know what my next step will be. I’m thinking about using a midget or dwarf in some capacity.