1369
06-14-2005, 11:33 AM
Link (http://www.monkeycube.com/article-5)
Okay, I admit it. I watch The Weather Channel.
Not just here and there, but sometimes for hours on freaking end. It's one of my more shameful guilty pleasures. Not quite as shameful as being secretly obsessed with Rick Astley's "music," and believing that one of these days he will make a comeback, but it's right up there on the list.
Maybe it's my sick fascination with severe weather. Perhaps it's the slammin' soundtrack they play during Local On The 8's. Or maybe just maybe it's the unbelievably foxy and totally unstoppable Weather Channel Babes.
The female meteorologists on TWC are porn stars. Period. I don't know who decided to mix hot chicks with weather forecasting, but it was genius absolute genius.
Think about it: The weather is, without a doubt, the most boring of all news topics. It's hot somewhere, it's raining elsewhere, and then every once in a while there's some fucking wind. But somebody went ahead and devoted a 24-hour cable television network to this subject anyway. (Don't even get me started on that God-damned Golf Channel.)
TWC producers, at some point, must have gathered together and discussed how mind-numbingly dull their network was. I imagine the conversation went something like this:
"Okay, guys, weather ain't interesting. We need to bring in some tits and ass, and we need to do it now. Who's with me?"
With that, motions were seconded, and the hunt for the smoking-hot weather girls began. As a service to you, the loyal reader, I thought I'd take it upon myself to analyze the finer attributes of the TWC female meteorologists.
Let's start with Alexandra Steele. Okay, that's a bona fide porn star name if I've ever heard one. (As a complete aside, my porn star name according to the "first pet + first street name" formula is Nibbles Buchanan.)
Seriously Alexandra Steele? Where did she come up with this name? Next we're going to see Weather Channel personalities called Hurricane Coxx and Mistee Rain.
Best known for her sheer white silk blouse, Alexandra is one lean, mean forecastin' sex-machine. You can find this vixen on "Your Weather Today" from 7 10 a.m. on weekdays. (Those three hours should be enough time for you men out there to round up the appropriate Alexandra-watching "accessories", whether that's a towel or a crusty gym sock.) The Weather Channel claims that during periods of non-severe weather, mornings are typically the most-watched time of day on the network. Gee, I wonder why.
Yeah, Alexandra is a stunner, but I prefer women with a few more curves. Which is why my personal favorite of all the Weather Hotties is Stephanie Abrams. Just flip on TWC, watch her strut around in front of the map and you'll see what I mean. Nobody can point out the high-pressure zones like Steph can!
Recently, Stephanie's two most prominent features become even more apparent when she reported live in a tight t-shirt from the eye wall of a hurricane, dripping wet and being buffeted by 100 mph winds and rain.
Holy crap, I need a cold shower.
I vividly remember the first time I saw Stephanie: I was minding my own business, flipping through the channels, when I landed on The Weather Channel and immediately got sucked in by her cleavage. I was helpless her bra must have had some sort of built-in tractor beam.
Even my fianc้ (also in the room) took notice and made some comment to the effect of "Holy shit, that woman has a huge rack." (Somehow, women are allowed to say these things about other women. Men, however, have to douse their eyes in bleach and vow never to think about Stephanie Abrams again.)
I forced myself to turn the television off before Stephanie's personal laws of gravity pulled us both into her ample chest. It's much easier to perform such feats of self-control when your future wife is in the room and prepared to beat you. If I was alone, I can guarantee you that my face would have been plastered to the TV screen until the first commercial break, and then I'd just black out.
That was the only time I've actually seen Stephanie Abrams live on television. (The hours I've spent downloading JPGs do not count.) I was left with the knowledge that my fianc้ was impressed however mildly by the weather girl's boobs, and this resulted in me desperately trying to figure out how I could possibly get the two of them together, and what sort of camera equipment I'd need to round up in order to tape the whole thing.
Moving on. For those of you who like your women petite and innocent, Kristina Abernathy is the meteorologist for you. This tiny little blonde is oh-so-cute and peppy, and I get the sense that she bakes lots of pies and goes to church every Sunday morning.
If you're a MILF aficionado, then I'd suggest TWC's Heather Tesch she's got that soccer-mom/suburban housewife hair-flip thing going on. (According to her bio, she named her dog Doppler!)
There's also Hillary Andrews. The adorable Jen Carfagno. (The list goes on and on!) If you want to browse hundreds of Weather Hottie screen captures, and you have lots of free time to devote to the task, then I'd recommend you check out kapturedforyou.com.
Has anyone else noticed that during any given month of the year, at least one of the TWC weather girls is pregnant? I swear, Abernathy, Kim Perez and Jennifer Lopez (Yep, TWC has a J. Lo!) have all been pregnant at least 163 times, collectively.
Coincidence? I'm led to believe that something is going on after hours at the TWC offices. Maybe there's a young, spry janitor named Chet, and all the Weather Babes have had their shot at him. Or maybe forecasting the weather makes you really fertile who knows?
Sex sells, even when delivering the weather forecast. But it's encouraging to know that despite their physical attributes, every female anchor on TWC actually has a degree in meteorology. Not only are they hot, they can also tell you everything you wanted to know about lake effect snow.
Ah, the women of The Weather Channel. Sounds like a special issue of Playboy, doesn't it?
In my dreams.
Okay, I admit it. I watch The Weather Channel.
Not just here and there, but sometimes for hours on freaking end. It's one of my more shameful guilty pleasures. Not quite as shameful as being secretly obsessed with Rick Astley's "music," and believing that one of these days he will make a comeback, but it's right up there on the list.
Maybe it's my sick fascination with severe weather. Perhaps it's the slammin' soundtrack they play during Local On The 8's. Or maybe just maybe it's the unbelievably foxy and totally unstoppable Weather Channel Babes.
The female meteorologists on TWC are porn stars. Period. I don't know who decided to mix hot chicks with weather forecasting, but it was genius absolute genius.
Think about it: The weather is, without a doubt, the most boring of all news topics. It's hot somewhere, it's raining elsewhere, and then every once in a while there's some fucking wind. But somebody went ahead and devoted a 24-hour cable television network to this subject anyway. (Don't even get me started on that God-damned Golf Channel.)
TWC producers, at some point, must have gathered together and discussed how mind-numbingly dull their network was. I imagine the conversation went something like this:
"Okay, guys, weather ain't interesting. We need to bring in some tits and ass, and we need to do it now. Who's with me?"
With that, motions were seconded, and the hunt for the smoking-hot weather girls began. As a service to you, the loyal reader, I thought I'd take it upon myself to analyze the finer attributes of the TWC female meteorologists.
Let's start with Alexandra Steele. Okay, that's a bona fide porn star name if I've ever heard one. (As a complete aside, my porn star name according to the "first pet + first street name" formula is Nibbles Buchanan.)
Seriously Alexandra Steele? Where did she come up with this name? Next we're going to see Weather Channel personalities called Hurricane Coxx and Mistee Rain.
Best known for her sheer white silk blouse, Alexandra is one lean, mean forecastin' sex-machine. You can find this vixen on "Your Weather Today" from 7 10 a.m. on weekdays. (Those three hours should be enough time for you men out there to round up the appropriate Alexandra-watching "accessories", whether that's a towel or a crusty gym sock.) The Weather Channel claims that during periods of non-severe weather, mornings are typically the most-watched time of day on the network. Gee, I wonder why.
Yeah, Alexandra is a stunner, but I prefer women with a few more curves. Which is why my personal favorite of all the Weather Hotties is Stephanie Abrams. Just flip on TWC, watch her strut around in front of the map and you'll see what I mean. Nobody can point out the high-pressure zones like Steph can!
Recently, Stephanie's two most prominent features become even more apparent when she reported live in a tight t-shirt from the eye wall of a hurricane, dripping wet and being buffeted by 100 mph winds and rain.
Holy crap, I need a cold shower.
I vividly remember the first time I saw Stephanie: I was minding my own business, flipping through the channels, when I landed on The Weather Channel and immediately got sucked in by her cleavage. I was helpless her bra must have had some sort of built-in tractor beam.
Even my fianc้ (also in the room) took notice and made some comment to the effect of "Holy shit, that woman has a huge rack." (Somehow, women are allowed to say these things about other women. Men, however, have to douse their eyes in bleach and vow never to think about Stephanie Abrams again.)
I forced myself to turn the television off before Stephanie's personal laws of gravity pulled us both into her ample chest. It's much easier to perform such feats of self-control when your future wife is in the room and prepared to beat you. If I was alone, I can guarantee you that my face would have been plastered to the TV screen until the first commercial break, and then I'd just black out.
That was the only time I've actually seen Stephanie Abrams live on television. (The hours I've spent downloading JPGs do not count.) I was left with the knowledge that my fianc้ was impressed however mildly by the weather girl's boobs, and this resulted in me desperately trying to figure out how I could possibly get the two of them together, and what sort of camera equipment I'd need to round up in order to tape the whole thing.
Moving on. For those of you who like your women petite and innocent, Kristina Abernathy is the meteorologist for you. This tiny little blonde is oh-so-cute and peppy, and I get the sense that she bakes lots of pies and goes to church every Sunday morning.
If you're a MILF aficionado, then I'd suggest TWC's Heather Tesch she's got that soccer-mom/suburban housewife hair-flip thing going on. (According to her bio, she named her dog Doppler!)
There's also Hillary Andrews. The adorable Jen Carfagno. (The list goes on and on!) If you want to browse hundreds of Weather Hottie screen captures, and you have lots of free time to devote to the task, then I'd recommend you check out kapturedforyou.com.
Has anyone else noticed that during any given month of the year, at least one of the TWC weather girls is pregnant? I swear, Abernathy, Kim Perez and Jennifer Lopez (Yep, TWC has a J. Lo!) have all been pregnant at least 163 times, collectively.
Coincidence? I'm led to believe that something is going on after hours at the TWC offices. Maybe there's a young, spry janitor named Chet, and all the Weather Babes have had their shot at him. Or maybe forecasting the weather makes you really fertile who knows?
Sex sells, even when delivering the weather forecast. But it's encouraging to know that despite their physical attributes, every female anchor on TWC actually has a degree in meteorology. Not only are they hot, they can also tell you everything you wanted to know about lake effect snow.
Ah, the women of The Weather Channel. Sounds like a special issue of Playboy, doesn't it?
In my dreams.