ElNono
12-05-2011, 03:20 AM
Good old guide and a reminder of the NBA (GNSF/Lakerfan/etc) posters due to make an appearance this season... It's missing a few like The Pedophile, but overall a fairly complete guide...
The Old Timer: A personal favorite of mine, usually a middle/elderly aged man who seems like he'll watch a modern NBA playoff game with you simply for the sake of complaining about how the game is now "soft" or watered down compared to what it used to be back during his time. Will never stop to appreciate a fancy dunk by LeBron or an impossible shot by Kobe. Will simply wait for something questionable to happen so he can start talking about the 1982 NBA Finals again and how it was so much better than now.
The Band Wagoner: Does this really need an explanation? Someone who rarely watches Basketball but hops on a bandwagon, typically when a big star comes to his city, or someone who jumps from team to team.
Mr. Fundamentals: The guy who's truly a college basketball fan at heart/played or coached basketball and therefore thinks he knows certain things about the game that no one else does, and that he's some kind of basketball genius. Will often point out how there's too much 1on1 play going on in an NBA game or that a play a team did was too "street" and not "fundamental" enough. Generally tries to act like he knows more about the game than you do.
The Player Hater: Those who hate a player for no particular reason other than to jump on the bandwagon. Most commonly seen with Kobe Bryant, these people may not've ever watched a full basketball game in their life but will sit down with you in the living room constantly expressing their detest for "The Black Mamba," knowing that deep down inside the only reason they're doing it is because so many other people do it, with those other people being just as big of a follower as he is.
The Player Lover: Those who blindly love a certain player, with the reasons for that being variable. They disguise themselves as a fan of the player's team but in reality they only view their games to see their favorite player perform. They'll often gloat and be loud mouths about how awesome he is and how much better he is than the rest of the League, and will defend said player to the death.
Warriors Fan: Someone who's only interested in the gimmicky run and gun style of basketball that the Suns and Warriors play and will quickly change the channel if he views a game that involves 2 teams actually playing half-court basketball with well coordinated defenses. These people most likely thought Game 7 of the Finals "sucked" because a shot wasn't being made every other possession, and physical defense was being played.
The Desperate Girl: Another personal favorite, the girl who jumps into a crowd of guys at a Sports Bar acting like she actually follows the NBA for the sake of impressing someone. Throughout the course of the game will quickly be exposed for her sheer lack of knowledge on the sport (example: we once had a girl at our bar proclaim that it'd be a sad day when LeBron leaves the Lakers) but will try to laugh it off or use sex appeal to take your mind off how ignorant and desperate she truly is.
Mr. Perfect: Those who want every NBA player to act like a cardboard cut-out with no personality similar to Tim Duncan.
Closet Racist: Typically middle/elderly aged white dudes who watch a game and scoff at everything black players do and say but will quickly applaud a white player's actions. For example, during a game in the Celtics-Magic series we had my friend's father tell us that KG is an "ignorant thug who does nothing but scream and beat his chest"...but then applauded JJ Redick for doing the same thing like 5 minutes later because he was "showing heart." :
Hollinger Stats Geek: Typically people who spend a little too much time analyzing John Hollinger's biased statistics. They believe that PER is the only way to judge how great a basketball player is, and that if Player A's PER is lower than Player B's PER he's automatically inferior to Player B.
"I don't watch Games" Stats Geek: Those who try to tell you everything that happened in a game via the boxscore rather than watching it. Will often make themselves look very, very, stupid in the process.
Mr. Next Anointed One: Those who automatically declare every player their favorite team drafts as the next great. Will overrate the crap out of him throughout the off-season and will go ga-ga over every little basket he makes in Summer League. Like the Player Fan, will typically be loud mouths about how great this player is and will defend him to death.
Mr. Hypothetical: Those who use completely hypothetical and typically improbable events to prove some kind of point. For example, "Kobe's not a true winner. Put Vince Carter in his place during the early 2000's and he would've had 3 rings too."
The Closet Hockey Fan: The guy who acts like he's a fan of the NBA but throughout the course of the game will do NOTHING but bash the sport. "Ugh, too much fouling going on by the refs." "Ugh, what's so special about a 7 foot fatass like Shaq dunking?" "Ugh, this game sucks." "I don't understand how you could have fun watching 2 teams trade baskets all day." From personal experience, in reality these guys are NHL fans who're unhappy with the fact that ESPN completely dumped their sport and now pretty much only promote the NBA and NFL (with some baseball on the side.)
The Conspiracy Theorist: Those who believe that the NBA is run by some kind of secret corporation and that Playoff games are rigged to put big market teams and/or teams that generate big ratings in the Finals. Little do they realize that the San Antonio Spurs, a team that has won 4 championships this generation, was neither big market nor a strong ratings draw. Little do they realize that if the NBA truly was rigged, then the Spurs-Nets Final would've never happened, because it generated the worst ratings ever, was between 2 horrible markets and was all around unbearable to watch.
Mr. Overeact: When you're on a winning streak it's title time here we come! When you're on a losing streak it's trade X player and fire the coach! This poster can also be found in game threads howling in despair or squealing with glee with every play. Often they take an isolated play and turn it into a full blown scouting report that details every nuance of a players ability, skill set and even psychological profile.
The YouTube Scout: This poster feels that from his extensive youtube searches and hours of watching these grainy 3 minute videos that he is the master talent evaluator. Also being armed with bookmarks to every draft site known to man he could best any of the GMs who have armies of scouts and oodles of video to review as well as countless dollars to use in this endeavor.
The Old Timer: A personal favorite of mine, usually a middle/elderly aged man who seems like he'll watch a modern NBA playoff game with you simply for the sake of complaining about how the game is now "soft" or watered down compared to what it used to be back during his time. Will never stop to appreciate a fancy dunk by LeBron or an impossible shot by Kobe. Will simply wait for something questionable to happen so he can start talking about the 1982 NBA Finals again and how it was so much better than now.
The Band Wagoner: Does this really need an explanation? Someone who rarely watches Basketball but hops on a bandwagon, typically when a big star comes to his city, or someone who jumps from team to team.
Mr. Fundamentals: The guy who's truly a college basketball fan at heart/played or coached basketball and therefore thinks he knows certain things about the game that no one else does, and that he's some kind of basketball genius. Will often point out how there's too much 1on1 play going on in an NBA game or that a play a team did was too "street" and not "fundamental" enough. Generally tries to act like he knows more about the game than you do.
The Player Hater: Those who hate a player for no particular reason other than to jump on the bandwagon. Most commonly seen with Kobe Bryant, these people may not've ever watched a full basketball game in their life but will sit down with you in the living room constantly expressing their detest for "The Black Mamba," knowing that deep down inside the only reason they're doing it is because so many other people do it, with those other people being just as big of a follower as he is.
The Player Lover: Those who blindly love a certain player, with the reasons for that being variable. They disguise themselves as a fan of the player's team but in reality they only view their games to see their favorite player perform. They'll often gloat and be loud mouths about how awesome he is and how much better he is than the rest of the League, and will defend said player to the death.
Warriors Fan: Someone who's only interested in the gimmicky run and gun style of basketball that the Suns and Warriors play and will quickly change the channel if he views a game that involves 2 teams actually playing half-court basketball with well coordinated defenses. These people most likely thought Game 7 of the Finals "sucked" because a shot wasn't being made every other possession, and physical defense was being played.
The Desperate Girl: Another personal favorite, the girl who jumps into a crowd of guys at a Sports Bar acting like she actually follows the NBA for the sake of impressing someone. Throughout the course of the game will quickly be exposed for her sheer lack of knowledge on the sport (example: we once had a girl at our bar proclaim that it'd be a sad day when LeBron leaves the Lakers) but will try to laugh it off or use sex appeal to take your mind off how ignorant and desperate she truly is.
Mr. Perfect: Those who want every NBA player to act like a cardboard cut-out with no personality similar to Tim Duncan.
Closet Racist: Typically middle/elderly aged white dudes who watch a game and scoff at everything black players do and say but will quickly applaud a white player's actions. For example, during a game in the Celtics-Magic series we had my friend's father tell us that KG is an "ignorant thug who does nothing but scream and beat his chest"...but then applauded JJ Redick for doing the same thing like 5 minutes later because he was "showing heart." :
Hollinger Stats Geek: Typically people who spend a little too much time analyzing John Hollinger's biased statistics. They believe that PER is the only way to judge how great a basketball player is, and that if Player A's PER is lower than Player B's PER he's automatically inferior to Player B.
"I don't watch Games" Stats Geek: Those who try to tell you everything that happened in a game via the boxscore rather than watching it. Will often make themselves look very, very, stupid in the process.
Mr. Next Anointed One: Those who automatically declare every player their favorite team drafts as the next great. Will overrate the crap out of him throughout the off-season and will go ga-ga over every little basket he makes in Summer League. Like the Player Fan, will typically be loud mouths about how great this player is and will defend him to death.
Mr. Hypothetical: Those who use completely hypothetical and typically improbable events to prove some kind of point. For example, "Kobe's not a true winner. Put Vince Carter in his place during the early 2000's and he would've had 3 rings too."
The Closet Hockey Fan: The guy who acts like he's a fan of the NBA but throughout the course of the game will do NOTHING but bash the sport. "Ugh, too much fouling going on by the refs." "Ugh, what's so special about a 7 foot fatass like Shaq dunking?" "Ugh, this game sucks." "I don't understand how you could have fun watching 2 teams trade baskets all day." From personal experience, in reality these guys are NHL fans who're unhappy with the fact that ESPN completely dumped their sport and now pretty much only promote the NBA and NFL (with some baseball on the side.)
The Conspiracy Theorist: Those who believe that the NBA is run by some kind of secret corporation and that Playoff games are rigged to put big market teams and/or teams that generate big ratings in the Finals. Little do they realize that the San Antonio Spurs, a team that has won 4 championships this generation, was neither big market nor a strong ratings draw. Little do they realize that if the NBA truly was rigged, then the Spurs-Nets Final would've never happened, because it generated the worst ratings ever, was between 2 horrible markets and was all around unbearable to watch.
Mr. Overeact: When you're on a winning streak it's title time here we come! When you're on a losing streak it's trade X player and fire the coach! This poster can also be found in game threads howling in despair or squealing with glee with every play. Often they take an isolated play and turn it into a full blown scouting report that details every nuance of a players ability, skill set and even psychological profile.
The YouTube Scout: This poster feels that from his extensive youtube searches and hours of watching these grainy 3 minute videos that he is the master talent evaluator. Also being armed with bookmarks to every draft site known to man he could best any of the GMs who have armies of scouts and oodles of video to review as well as countless dollars to use in this endeavor.