Last night was amazing!

[Lincoln]

As many of you know, I joined a college gym due to the hot poon there. From my six years of higher education (four years of undergrad and two years getting my masters), I came to realize there is nothing quite like porking college broads.

On late Friday afternoon, I strolled into the fitness complex wearing a fur coat with "DOCTOR SWOLE" embroidered on the back (My gym buddies nicknamed me Doctor Swole back in '03) over my shorts and wife beater, toothpick in my mouth. Taking off my aviators, I look over to the squat rack, and I don't like what I see. A frat boy. I already know he's not squatting.

"Curls" I said to myself, muscles flaring as I walk over to the rack. Frat boy is in mid set, groaning with each curl, 10 lb plates on each side. 65 lbs?!?!? You're curling 65 lbs in the squat rack? Joe Gold would be turning in his grave.

While frat boy is getting his 4th or 5th rep done, I take off the 10 lb plate, and walk over to the other side and do the same.

Frat boy: <pissed off> Hey man, what the f**k was that?
Me: This is the squat rack, *NSYNC. You wanna curl, get your chicken chest on one of those swiss balls and pick up the plastic dumbbells, Sally.
Frat boy: Who the f**k do you think you are? Are you even a student here?
Me: <taking off my fur coat and resting it on the leg press> Alright, Timberlake. You had your chance. I tried to be a nice guy and I'm going to tell you one more time. No curling in the squat rack. Now get out of here before we have a problem.
Frat boy: Man, f**k this.

<Frat boy leaves the area. I load up the plates with 5 45 lb plates each side and rep it for 15. (I decided to take it easy, didnt get enough sleep last night.) Some cardio bunnies come over and start to make small talk.)

Cardio bunny 1: We thought that was really brave how you stood up to that guy. He thinks he owns this gym and he always makes rude comments to us!
Me: <still wearing my aviators - I rarely take them off> Just doing my job ladies. I'd love to chat, but as you can see, my quads need to be punished.
Cardio bunny 2: <biting her lower lip> Well, if you feel like it when you are done come over to Harrison Hall. Room 418.
Me: <agitated> Look hunny, I'm a busy man. I'll see what I can do. Get away from me.

I finish up my workout, put my fur coat back on and head over to Harrison Hall, Room 418.

CB2: Glad you could come.
Me: <stripping down> Yeah well, I need to shower up.
CB2: <Staring at my body, mouth open> Can I come with you? Please? Meet us in the third shower from the left in 5 minutes.
Me: <grinning> Us? If you say so <CH2 runs away from her computer and into the hallway. I check her away message>

"OmG HoTTeST GuY eVeR on HaRRiSoN 4Th FLooR BeST aBs eVa aNd HuGe BiCePTs!!!!!1111"

I head down to the showers, wearing only a towel and my aviators. Girls I passed in the halls stared, but I just bicep flared by them. Opening the shower curtain, I found the three cardio bunnies already soaping themselves down.

CB3: You're late.
Me: Well Doctor Swole is here now girls.
<The three cardio bunnies proceed to soap me down, and kiss me all over. When all said and done, I blew my load all over one of their tits. I step out of the shower and walk back to room 418. I glanced at the clock. 6:45?!?! I had to meet a client at 8 for dinner, and would have to speed to my condo, get dressed, and drive straight to the restaurant to make it in time. I threw on my fur coat and grabbed my gym clothes in hand (no time to get dressed) and start jogging down to my car. About 20 Harrison Hall hotties followed.

Hottie4: Doctor Swole, where are you going?
Me: <running to my BMW in only my fur coat> Gotta go baby, the doctor is a busy man.

The Harrison crowd, about two dozen strong, continued to chase me to my car, screaming and crying. I felt like one of the Beatles. I climb into my BMW and peel away.

Hottie5: <crying> DOCTOR SWOLE DONT GO!!!

I decide to give the girls a thrill, and throw my gym clothes out my sunroof. They scream and come running to the pile. Two girls were having a tug of war with my beater, while I saw another on her knees, sniffing my sweaty boxer briefs.

I lit up a cigar. "Doctor Swole, you've done it again," I thought to myself, a small smile crossing my face as my car sped east on I-276

[Axe Murderer]

:lmao:lmao:lmao

[DUNCANownsKOBE]

:lmao

[TE]

:lol

[The_Worlds_finest]

What a sad o

[DMX7]

WTF is this? :lol

[DMC]

So after hammering my delts, and ripping a huge protein fart as I strolled passed a group 25%+ body fat guys impressed with their ability to unrack my pre-warmup weight, I spy 3 MILFs struggling with the inner thigh machine adjustment.

I chuckled when one of the obese crew runs over to try and help. I look over at Shad and cast a WTF smirk.

Me: <grinning> Those guys could only help if they were working on a dozen jelly donuts.
Shad: You thinking what I'm thinking?
Me: <Laughing> Always.

Me and Shad do our usual trap roll and slowly make our way over carefully to avoid immediate eye contact with the targets.

Fat-ass is still trying to figure out the machine when we sit down at the concentration curl bench across from the ladies.

Both Shad and I look over and we recognize the universal, "Help, get this sleazy loser away from me!" plead.

MILF1: Hey, can you help us out a bit. We're new to the gym and this machine is giving us fits.
Me: <pumping out a set> Why the F**K would I do that? Isn't your boyfriend providing assistance?
MILF1: What's your problem? I figured you could easily help us with this since you obviously spend a lot of time in the gym.
Me: <condescendingly> Well obviously not on that pussified machine. No real man would even think of using that piece of crap. Now run along with the other Soccer Mom's and have donut boy do your bidding. You aint getting none of this (I flash a quad pose) and you aint getting none of this (flashes 18 inch python)

<She runs back to her friends. Shad chuckles knowing the next move. Not 45 seconds later, the whole group returns.>

Fat-Ass 1: If there is anything you need, I'll help you ladies out because I'm a nice guy.
Me: More like an OPA if you ask me, chump.
MILFs: What's an OPA?
Me: You wanna know what an OPA is? I motion over to one of the wifi stations in the gym and the 5 of us walk over to the PC. The three Soccer Mom's huddle around the monitor.

Me: I log onto usd.com and pull up the OPA. <grinning> Read up, ladies.

The next few minutes, I hear the girls laughing "Oh my GOD, those fat asses ARE OPAs! And you guys are Alpha Male SMFs. I grin at Shad, knowing that we would be getting laid tonight.

We all head back to the main part of the gym.

Fat arse 2: So you ladies still need help?
<MILF 2 spits in his face>

MILF2: GTFOOH, you f**king OPAs!
Fat arse 2: What the f**K?
MILF3: <stroking my bicep> We found some AMMFs and we don't need any OPA assistance.

OPA2 looks over and realizes that discretion is the better part of cowardice and shuffles away.

[Lincoln]

:lol

[Woo Bum-kon]

It was a hot summer day and I was in my workout room benching 1200 pounds. My abs were flexing and girls within a 10 mile radius were getting wet. Once I was done with my daily 32 hour workout I called one of the bitches I know, Jessica. She is really damn hot and looks like a supermodel. SO I got into my Lamborghini Gallardo and reved it up to 40,000 RPM (this is an Italian import with special engine system). I got onto the freeway near my house and threw it into 8th gear, I hit about 600 mph and I could hear the sonic boom as I broke the sound barrier. As I was flooring it on the freeway like a badass, Jessica called me and said she wanted me to fuck her. So be it.

I came to a full stop from 700 mph in front of her house. These Ferrari?s have top notch brakes, you know. So she gets out of the house and walks up to my Bugatti and starts eyeballing my dick. I could tell she was staring at it because when I looked at her I noticed she was looking at my dick. Booya.

Flash forward 10 minutes later. My 30 inch dick is going inside of her VAGINA, hitting them walls. I'm holding her entire body up with my left pinky as I'm fucking her and she has 30,000 orgasms. She looks me in the eyes and she says "harder." V-TEC just kicked in, yo. I blow my load so hard she falls off my dick. There had to have been about two pints of cum everywhere. People say I cum like a pornstar, I wouldn't disagree with them.

I throw her a towel so she can clean herself up then I do a triple backflip into my Maserati and drive home

[benefactor]

:lol

[Lincoln]

:rollin

[TheSanityAnnex]

Hey man, I know you're into drugs a lot like me (or at least I get that impression) and I've been trying to not talk about it as much on the forum just because some people on here (i.e. smeagol and others) don't like it or feel the need to rain on my parade, but I had a question about LSD.

Monday night I took some LSD and I started tripping out, but then after an hour or two my head started to feel weird... I guess I would describe the feeling as if someone put their hand on my brain and just started squeezing down. Gently at first and then it gradually got more intense. During this part of the trip, I was listening to some rock music like I usually do while tripping or rolling, but instead of getting into the music it just pissed me off. It was like information in my brain was getting lost when it was firing between synapses or something.

Have you ever gone through anything like this while tripping? I trip A LOT, LSD is my favorite drug and I do it at least twice a week. I've probably taken over 100 hits this year alone... but this was a completely different experience from all of my other trips. Wasn't like taking Lucy at all. I'm thinking I may have taken some bathtub acid that someone cooked up on their own, because I can't imagine straight LSD doing something like that.

Anyway, figured you might know something or have some insight. I do have a lot going on right now, one of my best friends just got arrested for narcotics possession, my mom and stepdad are going through a divorce and trying to catch me in the middle of it, school, etc. So I'm thinking maybe I just had too much on my plate mentally to trip well. Or is this what they call a bad trip? Never had one yet on shrooms or LSD.

Thanks
Luck_The_Fakers_

[DMC]

CLASS REUNION

When the invitation for my 5 year class reunion came in the mail, I almost had a nervous breakdown. You see, Doctor Swole was not always an alpha male pimp with 18 inch pythons. In fact, high school was hell for me, I graduated at 105 lbs and was constantly tortured by my classmates.

After graduation, I spent three years in my basement with my cat, lifting weights and eating cans of tuna like they were junior mints. The only time I came out was to go to night classes at a local college. Since that time, I have built my body into a rock hard temple and am also a self-made millionaire. I couldn't wait to show all the f**kers from high school what I had become

The invitation said "suit and tie", but if you know me, I'm just not a suit and tie kind of guy. I walked in dressed in my usual fur coat, aviators and beater, with a shovel. I also was carrying my homemade protein shake: 1 jar of Natty PB, 2 scoops of cottage cheese, one can of tuna, and a cup of oatmeal, all blended with skim milk. Delicious

I walked in, lats flared and my adrenaline pumping. I was walking around like I owned the place. Two former classmates approached me.

Classmate #1: Hey I remember you! Hey Sully, remember this kid?
Classmate #2: Oh yeah, that's the one we used to strip naked, wrap him in ceran wrap and tie him to the flagpole. You got a lot bigger man. How ya been?

I felt the rage burn up inside of me. I grabbed each of them by the throat and dragged them into a back room, where I beat both of them unconscious with my shovel. "How's it feel? I said hows it F**KIN' feel?!?! " I screamed at their motionless bodies.

Next stop I headed to the bathroom, where I stripped down to my speedo and oiled up my body. "You've been waiting 5 years for this, Doc" I told myself, psyching myself up. I felt like Eminem before the rap battle in 8 mile.

I headed to the stage, pointed to the DJ, indicating for him to start playing my song. "Welcome to the jungle" blared throughout the room, as I began my posedown. Side Chest, Back double, Most Muscular, I showed off every pose in the book. I watched the stunned reaction of male classmates, while women flocked with dollar bills. "Take it off, Doc!" When I hit the crowd with my signature lat flare, the screams were deafening. One girl even fainted.

I put my fur coat back on and started to walk out. Someone grabbed me by the arm. Tiffany Brown. Nicknamed "Pass Around Brown" for her reputation of having the offensive line run a train on her under the bleachers. She still looked the same. Hot face, nice body, huge tits. "F**k do you want?" I screamed at her.

Tiffany: Well, I thought that was really amazing. My husband's body is- well, not that great. I mean, he's rich and all, but its just so hard to find that total package of wealthy and jacked.
Me: <waving my BMW key in her face> Yeah, I guess so.
Tiffany: Oh god, a BMW. Will you take me for a ride?
Me: <keeping it alpha> I want gas money and a blow job out of it.
Tiffany: <handing me a $20> You drive a hard bargain, but I accept!

I took her for a 2 minute ride into one of the busiest sections of Philadelphia and told her to slob my knob.

Tiffany: Here? In the middle of the city? This is so dangerous!
Me: Tinted windows, cupcake. Now suck.

She knew what she was doing. An absolute Hoover Vacuum.

Me: Hey Tiff, remember the time you asked me to the prom, but then when I showed up at your house you had the football team drive by and throw eggs at me, and then your real boyfriend took you to the prom?
Tiffany: <mouthful of dong> Mmmm… Mmmm.
Me: Well, I never got to tell you how I felt about that.

I pulled my dick out of her mouth and jerked off in her eyes. Two shots of baby batter in each pupil.

Tiffany: Oh god, what the f**k! I can't f**kin see!

I opened her door and pushed her into the street, in only her underwear and shoes. Keep in mind this is one of the busiest intersections in Philadelphia.

I pull my beamer about 50 feet from her, take her clothes and pour some gasoline on them, and light a match. Meanwhile, Tiff was stumbling around like Stevie Wonder on crack.

Tiffany: <screaming> YOU F**KIN PRICK! GET BACK HERE!

The glare of the pile of clothes on fire reflected in my aviators.

Me: Revenge is a bitch, Tiff, aint it? REVENGE IS A BITCH!

I pulled into my beamer and sped away, laughing like a madman and beeping my horn. I looked in my rearview and saw Tiff standing there, clueless.

A small smile crossed my face. "Revenge is a beautiful thing," I thought to myself, lighting up a cigar and speeding home.

[benefactor]

I heard about a frat party from one of the cardio bunnies I slammed last week. Called me up and said I should make it if I get a chance. After another grueling workout, I decide to take Lex along with me.

We walk into the frat house, and it’s exactly what I expected. 135 pounders in Abercrombie tshirts. Pathetic. I walk through the crowd in my aviators and beater, pushing guys at the party out of the way to establish Alpha dominance. We head into the kitchen, where one frat boy is making mixed drink for a few hotties. “Blender belongs to me now” I snarl at him, dump out the contents and begin to make my patented Mega Shake. Eight scoops of N-Large2, a jar of natty peanut butter, and 2 bananas all blended with lowfat milk. I blend up my mix, toast Lex in our bb.com shakers, and drink.

Apparently not all party participants liked the fact that me and Lex had stolen the blender. One girl had brought the “bouncer” over.

Bouncer: What’s going on over here?
Lex: <taking off his aviators> We got a situation here boss, looks like 19 inch pythons on this guy.

I take off my aviators to get a better look.

Me: <giggling> Fatceps.

I notice a tattoo on the bouncer’s arm, “Big Daddy” it says.

Me: Big Daddy?
Bouncer: <pissed off> Bigger than you.
Me: Maybe so, chief. But I’m swoler.

I reach into my bag and get out my body fat calipers.

Bouncer: Man, get those things away from me!
Me: <grinning> Aw, come on, lets see how much fat are on those fatceps of yours.
Bouncer: <crying> Fuck you man, leave me alone! <He runs out of the room while I explode into laughter>

After about 20 more minutes of lat flaring around the party, I realize I have to take a huge shit. That Mega Shake wasn’t sitting too well. I head into the bathroom with the newspaper. (I knew it was gonna be a messy struggle). A few minutes later, some drunk girl comes into the bathroom.

Drunk girl: Hi, ummm, I just wanted to say that you are really sexy and ummm…
Me: Get the fuck out? I’m trying to shit in peace here
Drunk girl: Well, ummm, could I give you a blumpkin?
Me: Fuck’s a blumpkin?
Drunk girl: Well, its when you give someone head while they are taking a shit.

<I look her up and down. Decent sized tits and a good face.>

Me: Yeah why not. Just don’t use your fucking teeth.

<I continue to read the paper while she blows me. She ended up swallowing every last drop.>

Drunk girl: Was it good?
Me: Not bad. I’d give it a C+

<Drunk girl lays down and passes out. I realize there is no toilet paper. So I take drunk girl’s shirt and wipe my ass with it and walk out>

Me: Nice knowin’ ya, sweetie.

I decide to find Lex so we can go home. On the way I run into two frat boys.

Frat boy 1: Excuse me? Do you think you could give us some weightlifting tips? I mean we don’t want to get huge or anything, just Brad Pitt in fight Club, you know? Any pointers?

I felt the rage boiling up inside of me but kept my cool. I decided not to punch them out (no need to go back to prison). I bang on the door Lex is in.

Me: Let’s fucking go, I’m tired and I want to go to sleep.
Lex: I got this bitch licking my nuts right now!
Me: Hurry up and nut in her face so we can go home. I’ll start the car.

I walk outside to my beamer. I look at the car next to me, and Bouncer is in it, crying. Not only that, but he was driving a Jetta. I’m sorry, but if you are a bodybuilder you cannot drive a Volkswagen. You could be Ronnie Fuckin’ Coleman and you would get no respect from me if you are tooling around in a golf. The only time you could get head by driving a VW is from Gary down at the local Starbucks.

I lit up a cigar and waited for Lex to emerge. “Blumpkin,” I thought to myself, smiling. “Doctor Swole, sometimes you even impress yourself.”

[Clipper Nation]

After setting a new gym record on standing calf raises, I decided that a celebration was in order. I told Lex to round up the crew, because we were going hunting for cardio bunnies. Lex called up our other training partner, Mongo. Mongo is a 6'8" 305 lb. bodybuilding monster. To give you an idea, he takes in 5000 cals while cutting, and has an IV stuck into his arm with protein flowing in at all times to avoid going catabolic.

We headed out to the club, all dressed to the nines. Lex in sweatpants, a PROLAB tshirt, and of course his trusty crowbar. Mongo was wearing leather pants, a white beater, with his lifting belt around his waist. I decided to try some peacocking, and wore a pink beater, complimented by a pink top hat and pink Chuck Taylor shoes.

We ran into a little trouble at the door, when the bouncer told us we weren't properly dressed for the establishment. Mongo stepped up to the plate. Bumping into him, Mongo screamed "You sure about that?" The bouncer, terrified, changed his mind but asked for the $20 cover charge. "Cover charge? Just be lucky you're still alive, punk. We ain't paying a cover charge." Lex and I walked in, lats flaring, while Mongo entered the side door (too big to fit through the front door).

We scoped out the situation, and it looked pretty grim. A club packed with AFC's and a bunch of HB8's and HB9's. I shook my head. As you know, I only pork HB10's.

A few minutes later, a group of HB8.5's approached us.

HB8.5: Hi...ummm... we heard you guys were alpha males and we wanted to know if we could hang out with you tonight?

I fought off the urge to vomit (HB8.5's... gross!) and replied, "You know, you've got a lot of nerve coming over here. Don't you think I'm a little out of your league, cupcake? Now get out of here, you're threatening my alpha status."

I was getting impatient. "Mongo, find me a HB10 NOW!" I snarled at him. Mongo took out his binoculars and scanned the crowd.

Mongo: I see a HB10 cardio bunny at the bar, drinking a martini.
Me: Any bodybuilder activity in the area?
Mongo: I dont see any... just an ectomorph.
Me: I'm going in.

I lat flared it over to this broac, and first approached the ectomorph hitting on her. He was wearing a Jose's Surf Shop T-shirt "End of the road, AFC. Step aside and let me handle this cardio bunny."

AFC: Get lost.

Normally, I would have stomped him into the ground, but with Mongo in the club I felt it unneccessary.

Me: <grabbing the AFC by the throat> Look, you f**kin ecto, you better get the f**k out of here before we have a problem. See that guy over there, that's a 6'8" 300 lb. bodybuilder. If you don't leave this club now, and never come back, the cops are gonna have to call the boys down at Jose's Surf Shop to ID your body.

The AFC ran away screaming and I moved in on the cardio bunny. "Your lucky day, baby. You get to spend the evening with Doctor Swole. Wanna feel my pythons?"

Cardio Bunny: What do you think I am, some cheap slut just looking to get laid? I'm better than that.
Me: Oh I get it. You look at me and all you see is shredded quads, 18 inch pythons, and abs you could do laundry on. I'm more than a piece of meat here.

I turned around to leave.

Cardio Bunny: I'm sorry, did you say 18 inch pythons? My name's Isabelle.
Me: Doctor Swole.
CB: Oh, a doctor? What kind?
Me: A uhhh... gynocologist.
CB: Really? How did you get into that?
Me: Well, I guess you can say I just love pussy.

Lex approached me with a look of concern on his face. "Mongo's IV is out of whey. We need to get him some protein before he goes catabolic and gets into a rage."

Me: F**k. How long do we have?
Lex: 15, 20 minutes tops.

CB: Do you have to go? Well here's my phone number, why dont you call me sometime and we can go to a museum or something.

I looked at her phone number in disgust. "Look cupcake, I'm going on a gynocologist exposition in the Phillipines for the next year. Tonight may be our last night together. We should make the most of it."

CB: If you say so, Doctor Swole.

I took her out to my BMW and we started going at it. I hit it doggystyle and finished off by giving her a pearl necklace (the only jewelry I'll ever buy for a woman.)

I lit up a joint and closed my eyes. Lex and Mongo approached the BMW. "We gotta go now, Doc, Mongo's gonna get catabolic."

I told the cardio bunny to leave the car. "I had a great time, Doc. My gynocologist never treated me like that"

Lex and Mongo roared with laughter. "He's no gynocologist. This is Doctor Swole, one of the most notorious Alpha Males on the planet!"

Cardio bunny had a look of denial on her face. "Tell me thats not true! Are you even a real doctor?"

Me: <taking a puff of the joint> I'm no doctor... but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Lex and Mongo roared with laughter. I stepped on the gas and accelerated away from the cardio bunny. She coughed when inhaling my exhaust fumes, and by the time she stopped I had turned the corner. I wondered if she had seen my ALPHA1 license plate, but it's inconsequential. I'll never see her again. My speedometer hit 95 as I raced to Mongo's for whey shakes all around.

Lex: Going a little fast Doc?
Me: <taking a drag from the joint> Those protein shakes ain't gonna mix themselves.

[jaffies]

I'm so hard right now.

50 shades of Spurstalk.

[vander]

fur coat + aviators, why does that that remind me of a Guy Ritchie film?

[AussieFanKurt]

This amused me :lol

[Jacob1983]

http://www.mememaker.net/static/images/memes/466664.jpg




http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/what-males-think-about-50-shades-of-grey.jpg