symple19
07-30-2013, 12:33 AM
I don't really have anything against the Texans. Actually, I kinda like them if for no other reason than they reside in Texas and aren't the Cowboys. But, these articles are hilarious and deserve to be shared
http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2013-houston-texans-949241404
:lmao
Your quarterback: Angry kabob vendor Matt Schaub, who is quarterbacking's version of a pitcher who "gives you innings." You have already seen the best of Matt Schaub. He will get no better. You know how Joe Flacco is a boring quarterback who magically improves in the postseason? Matt Schaub is just like that, minus the magic part.
Why your team sucks: It's another season with the same aging core of offensive talent (Schaub, Andre Johnson, Foster, Owen Daniels)—a group of players good enough to go 11-5, win the division, and bow out meekly in the playoffs to a team that actually knows what it's doing. You can watch the Texans all season long and think to yourself, Hey! They're kind of not shitty! THAT COULD BE A TEAM THAT GOES PLACES! You can talk yourself into thinking that they're ready to unseat a traditional AFC superpower. You can get really excited about that prospect! You can envision them dethroning the Patriots in your mind and it SEEMS so very plausible. And then the time comes for them to actually play and they fall behind 31-13 before you've even had a chance to open up a bag of chips. And you think to yourself, God, I'm so dumb! I should have known that they had no fucking prayer! But you didn't, because you're from Texas and you lack a proper education.
That's all right, though, because Texans fans aren't REAL fans. Come on, 30-year-old dude in a Foster jersey. You're not fooling anyone. I know you can't possibly love your team as much as someone who actually grew up with his team. I salute you for trying, for ACHING to replicate the kind of passion and devotion that can only be forged in the crucible of your childhood. But you know it's a futile effort. You ever make friends with someone when you're a grownup and you think that you've made a real connection and that you're gonna be buds for life and then you meet one of your new buddy's childhood friends and they have an effortless rapport and a treasury of shared memories between them that you can't possibly begin to match? That's what being a grownup Texans fan is like.
So don't bother trying to tell me you're "long-suffering" or "diehard" or any of that nonsense. Browns fans spit on you. You are actors. You are playing the ROLE of the diehard fan when you can't possibly ever be one. If the Texans had reclaimed the nickname Oilers, maybe it would have been a different story. Instead, they chose the dumbest, lamest nickname in all of team sports, which is why they deserve their counterfeit fanbase. Once Schaub and Foster and J.J. Watt are gone and the team sucks again (and it will), you'll flee Reliant Stadium within seconds, retiring back to your Houston sweatlodges to polish your guns and kick Katrina refugees in the shins.
Emails from Texans fans:
Randy:
This team is quarterbacked by a guy who looks like the accountant that is always the first one out in the egg toss of their company's annual picnic.
Dan:
Despite the fact that he has sucked at coaching special teams for years, Joe Marciano remains the team's Special Teams Coordinator. This is the guy who gave up on Jacoby Jones and Trindon Holliday, only to see them immediately ascend to stardom as return specialists with their new teams.
Marciano appears unfireable. He must have pictures of owner Bob McNair involved in some truly loathsome and illegal sex acts. Nothing else explains how he has kept his job since the franchise was born. He even got a game ball last season, when most rating services ranked the Texans STs last in the NFL.
How much better would the Texans be without this field position albatross around their necks? We will probably not know until either he or McNair dies, because apparently no head coach has the authority to dump his sorry ass.
Chris:
Our team has to go and get embarrassed on every nationally-televised game just to reinforce the country's conclusion that the Texans always and forever will be the worst.
We should be happy being a "pretty good" team. Pretty good is light-years from where we were four years ago, but then we have to get cocky and wear varsity letterman jackets and get metaphorically executed by Aaron Hernandez in front of the country.
:lmao
http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2013-houston-texans-949241404
:lmao
Your quarterback: Angry kabob vendor Matt Schaub, who is quarterbacking's version of a pitcher who "gives you innings." You have already seen the best of Matt Schaub. He will get no better. You know how Joe Flacco is a boring quarterback who magically improves in the postseason? Matt Schaub is just like that, minus the magic part.
Why your team sucks: It's another season with the same aging core of offensive talent (Schaub, Andre Johnson, Foster, Owen Daniels)—a group of players good enough to go 11-5, win the division, and bow out meekly in the playoffs to a team that actually knows what it's doing. You can watch the Texans all season long and think to yourself, Hey! They're kind of not shitty! THAT COULD BE A TEAM THAT GOES PLACES! You can talk yourself into thinking that they're ready to unseat a traditional AFC superpower. You can get really excited about that prospect! You can envision them dethroning the Patriots in your mind and it SEEMS so very plausible. And then the time comes for them to actually play and they fall behind 31-13 before you've even had a chance to open up a bag of chips. And you think to yourself, God, I'm so dumb! I should have known that they had no fucking prayer! But you didn't, because you're from Texas and you lack a proper education.
That's all right, though, because Texans fans aren't REAL fans. Come on, 30-year-old dude in a Foster jersey. You're not fooling anyone. I know you can't possibly love your team as much as someone who actually grew up with his team. I salute you for trying, for ACHING to replicate the kind of passion and devotion that can only be forged in the crucible of your childhood. But you know it's a futile effort. You ever make friends with someone when you're a grownup and you think that you've made a real connection and that you're gonna be buds for life and then you meet one of your new buddy's childhood friends and they have an effortless rapport and a treasury of shared memories between them that you can't possibly begin to match? That's what being a grownup Texans fan is like.
So don't bother trying to tell me you're "long-suffering" or "diehard" or any of that nonsense. Browns fans spit on you. You are actors. You are playing the ROLE of the diehard fan when you can't possibly ever be one. If the Texans had reclaimed the nickname Oilers, maybe it would have been a different story. Instead, they chose the dumbest, lamest nickname in all of team sports, which is why they deserve their counterfeit fanbase. Once Schaub and Foster and J.J. Watt are gone and the team sucks again (and it will), you'll flee Reliant Stadium within seconds, retiring back to your Houston sweatlodges to polish your guns and kick Katrina refugees in the shins.
Emails from Texans fans:
Randy:
This team is quarterbacked by a guy who looks like the accountant that is always the first one out in the egg toss of their company's annual picnic.
Dan:
Despite the fact that he has sucked at coaching special teams for years, Joe Marciano remains the team's Special Teams Coordinator. This is the guy who gave up on Jacoby Jones and Trindon Holliday, only to see them immediately ascend to stardom as return specialists with their new teams.
Marciano appears unfireable. He must have pictures of owner Bob McNair involved in some truly loathsome and illegal sex acts. Nothing else explains how he has kept his job since the franchise was born. He even got a game ball last season, when most rating services ranked the Texans STs last in the NFL.
How much better would the Texans be without this field position albatross around their necks? We will probably not know until either he or McNair dies, because apparently no head coach has the authority to dump his sorry ass.
Chris:
Our team has to go and get embarrassed on every nationally-televised game just to reinforce the country's conclusion that the Texans always and forever will be the worst.
We should be happy being a "pretty good" team. Pretty good is light-years from where we were four years ago, but then we have to get cocky and wear varsity letterman jackets and get metaphorically executed by Aaron Hernandez in front of the country.
:lmao