That's Right, Yep, It's the "Why Your Team Sucks: 2013 Edition" Thread

[symple19]

This way i'm not spamming the board with these threads

Today, a nod to J.T. and Dirk4mvp


Your team: Indianapolis Colts
Your 2012 record: 11-5. This is the part where NERDY METRIC NERDS like me tell you that the Colts actually had a net point differential of minus-30 last season—a mediocre team that got some good bounces, in other words. It's just like the old saying goes: You are what your record says you are, unless you have a terrible net point differential, in which case you are what your net point differential says you really ought to be.

Your coach: Chuck Pagano, who will actually have to get out there and COACH this year. No more free rides for you, mister! You can't just go coasting along on #CHUCKSTRENGTH this time around. You get one uplifting cancer season and that's it. America won't tolerate a rerun. It's altogether possible that Chuck Pagano is a terrible head coach and you won't know it for certain until this season. And man, that'll be an awkward moment.

Why your team sucks: No team is a more obvious choice to regress to the mean this season than the Colts, who overachieved in Luck's first year and still have the same problems they had a year ago: bad defense, a shitty line, a habit of turning the ball over, etc. You awful, galumphing Indy fans deserve nothing more than to watch your beloved-only-when-winning home team come crashing down to Earth. It's not quite right to say that Indiana is nothing more than Ohio's gunt; it's also Chicago's outhouse. It's a place where the Midwest's choicest townies and Klansmen gather to make babies out of wedlock, give handjobs to exhausted truckers, and root for white basketball players. Indiana is a tire fire that never goes out.
And the worst part is that Colts fans think they're CLASSY. These are the kind of people who will hold a rehearsal dinner at a T.G.I. Friday's. Thanks to Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning and Bill Polian, this is a fanbase that believes it roots for a team that has more character than your team. Look at this breathtaking load of shit (http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2013/07/02/bill-polian-colts-steered-clear-of-aaron-hernandez-in-the-draft/):
“We were not in the Hernandez business,” Polian said.

Oh, of course you weren't, Bill! You had far too much character to draft such a shady fellow to play for your franchise. This is the guy who drafted RAE FUCKING CARRUTH (http://thestacks.deadspin.com/rae-carruth-the-women-who-loved-him-and-the-one-he-wa-747347792)for Carolina back in 1997. What a sleaze. I bet Marvin Harrison has killed (http://www.gq.com/sports/profiles/201002/marvin-harrison) more people than Aaron Hernandez has.

This is what happens when a fanbase stumbles ass-backwards into a decade-plus of high-quality quarterbacking. They begin to believe they DESERVED such good fortune, that Andrew Luck and Peyton Manning were karmic gifts bestowed upon them because they're such proud, humble, PURE Midwestern folk HOOSIERS HOOSIERS HOOSIERS JIMMY CHITWOOD SMALL TOWNS JOHN MELLENCAMP. Bullshit. The Colts were kidnaped from another city and then molded in the fat, arrogant image of their new, drunk captor. They're an episode of Sister Wives. They creep me out.


The six worst Colts ever:
1. Robert Irsay. "You love the Colts? Why don't you treat me right?" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnepDGSs2Cs)
2. Anthony Gonzalez. OH BUT HE'S MY SLEEPER PICK THIS YEAR (watches Anthony break six ankles in Week 1).
3. Ron Meyer
4. AR-15
5. Steve Emtman
6. Jeff George. Whitlock says he could still be a good backup!

:lol

[symple19]

Colin:

1. They tanked the 2011 season on purpose. No backup plan for a potential Manning injury? Oh I know, let's pretend Curtis Painter is a serviceable professional quarterback and give him the ball every Sund... OH HI KERRY COLLINS! HERE'S A HANDLE OF WHISKEY AND THE COLTS OFFENSE!
2. Fetushead was a raging asshole; video of his many run-ins with longtime center Jeff Saturday is proof. He couldn't possibly bear to give up even the smallest amount of control he lorded over the team, GM, or fans as possible. Those videos are not "great examples of a solid competitor," they're the sign of a spoiled rotten kid who couldn't take no for an answer. I was glad to watch him choke (again) in the playoffs; now Broncos fans know the feeling of watching year after year of incredible teams fall far short of a championship.
3. Our fans have to be the dumbest on the planet. Half of them renounced the organization when Manning was released and immediately purchased Broncos jerseys. Ask any of them a question about football and 93% of the time the response will be PASS IT PEYTON! PASS IT!
4. They succeeded in making Bruce Arians look like head coach material and now he's going to fail in Arizona. I'm actually OK with this; with Arians out as the OC, Luck's career longevity jumped by 25%.

[J.T.]

tbh that last bit about Bruce Arians is on the money on several counts. I don't think Arians coaching had much to do with last year as Pagano's situation just giving everyone involved on that team a boost. Also think Arians scheme might even help Luck sneak up on people this year because I don't think he's as bad as that 54% completion percentage Avante keeps dogging him about. You're going to have a 54% completion percentage and a higher rate of getting intercepted when each drive includes multiple downfield and end zone bombs. He led the league in pass attempts of 10+ and 20+ yards.

I do think the Colts are in for some regression and did play over their heads last year, but I think it'll mostly be because of a tougher schedule and not because the team isn't good. The team improved its offensive line and I don't think you can say the defense is bad as a whole anymore because it has as many new players as our offense did last year. I still think this is the "growing pains" year everyone thought last year would be and we're still another draft away from contending. But if the wheels fall off in Houston, they might be able to steal the division.

[J.T.]

Also I think dirk4mvp pulled a Monteith or some shit, haven't seen him post in a while

[symple19]

Also I think dirk4mvp (http://www.spurstalk.com/forums/member.php?u=3863) pulled a Monteith or some shit, haven't seen him post in a while

I just thought he'd been posting under a troll account

[symple19]

I'll definitely post the SF version of this series. Kinda looking forward to how he'll rape the Niners, lol

[Lincoln]

Has he done a Washington one yet. Inb4 IRG3's knee and read option getting solved

[benefactor]

These have been pretty high quality overall. Is this his first year to do them? Don't recall them in the past.

[symple19]

Has he done a Washington one yet. Inb4 IRG3's knee and read option getting solved

Not yet, I'll post them as they come up

[symple19]

These have been pretty high quality overall. Is this his first year to do them? Don't recall them in the past.

Reading the comments, some of the posters have alluded to past year(s), so yeah, I guess they have, although I've never seen it before.

It's pure win, imo

[benefactor]

Tampa Bay:

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2013-tampa-bay-buccaneers-974600962

http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/18vl72crfuixkgif/k-bigpic.gif

Says it all, tbh.

[symple19]

They (Bucs) are the neglected pet that the Glazer family kicks out of the way so that they can dote on their beloved Manchester United.

:lmao

[Blake]

These are fantastic, tbh.

[symple19]

Mike Alstott. Oh god, nothing would engorge Chris Berman like watching big dumb Mike Alstott bogart a touchdown from Warrick Dunn, thereby allowing Boomer to make bashing sound effects and scream out that stupid fucking nickname. Fuck Mike Alstott.

[symple19]

And the coup de grace:


The only thing that makes the games bearable is the unbelievable MILF density inside RayJay Stadium and the prospect of feeding Mike Glennon giraffe food. Seriously, Google Mike Glennon's neck (https://www.google.com/search?q=mike+glennon+neck&safe=off&rlz=1C1CHJX_enUS442US442&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=9wf5Uc_3Hqva4APNhYHgDA&ved=0CAkQ_AUoAQ&biw=1287&bih=705).

:lmao:lmao:lmao:lmao:lmao:lmao:lmao:lmao:lmao:lmao :lmao

[benefactor]

The best thing about these are all the truth bombs. He's dead on about he Glazer's. It's bad to have an owner that is clueless, but at least that owner is trying to win and might get lucky with a player or a pick. The fans are stuck with an owner that just does not care what kind of team it fields in Tampa.

[symple19]

Carolina Panthers :lol


Your quarterback: Cam Newton. And now, presenting the Many Downtrodden Faces Of Cam Newton. Here's Cam looking exasperated:
http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/18vp3r17hg9abjpg/ku-xlarge.jpg
And here he is looking standoffish:
http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/18vp3rstvp4qpjpg/ku-xlarge.jpg
And here's his "How the fuck should I know what's wrong?" face:
http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/18vp3sck7zgd4jpg/ku-xlarge.jpg
And here's his "I can't believe you asked me that" face:
http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/18vp3sy9j2mpdjpg/ku-xlarge.jpg
So many faces, and just one GLORY BOY SWEATER.
I'm gonna tell you Cam Newton's destiny. From now until the end of his career, Cam Newton will be a fabulous standout on an otherwise horrible football team. Whatever Cam accomplishes for the Panthers will be accomplished in the face of 10 agonizing losses per season. He'll score a shitload of touchdowns, have some awesome runs, throw a handful of 80-yard bombs, and the Panthers will still inexplicably lose every game by 20 points. That's his destiny. Cue the exasperated face!


Your one fantasy player everyone will hate: DeAngelo Williams. I don't think there's another back in the universe who wastes more time in between spurts of LOOKING like a superstar than DeAngelo Williams. Once every five games, DeAngelo will bust out a monster 40-yard touchdown run that showcases every last bit of his potential. And then he'll get six carries over the next month. I don't get DeAngelo Williams at all.
Just put every Carolina back in here while you're at it, since Newton will vulture all their touchdowns and Rivera will rotate them by spinning a Twister wheel five times a game.


Why your team sucks: Be sure to re-read Ryan Kalil's newspaper ad from last preseason guaranteeing the Panthers would win the Super Bowl (http://deadspin.com/5928887/ryan-kalil-takes-out-full+page-newspaper-ad-guaranteeing-a-panthers-super-bowl-victory). It's even funnier now that you know what a complete disaster this team has become. Before he got the axe, former GM Marty Hurney stocked this team with three historically putrid drafts AND spent $68 million in guaranteed money on DeAngelo, Jonathan Stewart, and linebacker Jon Beason, who played a whopping four games last year before getting hurt. That means the Panthers had no money this offseason to improve their shitty pass defense or find someone, ANYONE, for poor Cam to throw the ball to. It's gonna be yet another year of forcing the ball into triple coverage in the hopes that Steve Smith will punch enough people in the face to have room to catch it.
You can go ahead and ignore the fact that the Panthers won five of their last six games in 2012. Four of those wins came against losing teams, and their one loss came against the fucking Chiefs. Any time a shitty team ends the season with a few hollow victories, people are always like They could carry their momentum over into the next season! That NEVER happens. Ever. I assure you that the Panthers' little streak won't save them from getting thoroughly curb-stomped by the Seahawks in Week 1. And then it's another long season of playing "What's wrong with Cam?" WHEE!

This is precisely what owner Jerry Richardson deserves after squeezing taxpayers for an extra $87.5 million in renovations (http://www.charlotteobserver.com/2013/04/23/3998127/city-oks-875m-panthers-stadium.html) to a stadium that's less than 20 years old. Richardson was also the guy who pushed for locking out the players despite the fact that he pocketed over $112 million in profits (http://deadspin.com/leaked-nfl-documents-while-owner-cried-hardship-carol-5988893) the two years prior. Richardson is just another bag-of-shit owner—the kind of owner who bitches about money while simultaneously raking in obscene profits and spending his personnel money in a random, idiotic fashion, and then cloaks himself in a thick veil of magnanimity (http://www.knowitall.org/legacy/laureates/Jerry%20Richardson.html).

If hard work and humility could define a man, then that man would be Jerry Richardson.
Fuck you, Jerry. No wonder your team's fans would rather be watching college basketball.

[symple19]

George:

Can you believe this team has actually been around for 18 seasons?? I'm 32 and have been watching them since their inaugural season, but I still take a look over my shoulder and switch the channel to the Redskins if no one's looking.


Andrew:

I hope I'm not the only person that is sick of feeling like the pro football team in the state I grew up in is the 5th most popular team in the state next to:
1. Leftover racist Redskins fans from the days when they were Dixie's Team.
2. Leftover Cowboys fans who were only 'Boys fans because they were mostly black and appropriately hated the Redskins. They mostly still just look like Cowboys fans because they can't sell all their old bootleg Emmitt Smith jerseys at the bus station.
3. The fucking YINZ ARN CITY BEER BIG BENZ DA MAN YINZ YINZ Pittsburgh diaspora, which fled the Midwestern Rust Belt Dumpster Fire for shitty banking jobs in Charlotte. These are the sort of people who blame unions for making them leave their homes and then vote for chucklefucks like Pat McCrory because they're hard workin Americans.
4. And The Buffalo Bills diaspora, and it doesn't speak well of the Panthers that they can't win over THOSE people.


Smokey:

We have a goddamn Na'vi as our 3rd string QB/ostrich.
http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/18vo18g8inqzjjpg/ku-medium.jpg


:lmao

[benefactor]

2. Kerry Collins. Let's be honest: He was a lot more fun when he was drunk, racist Kerry Collins and not journeyman sheep farmer Kerry Collins. I feel like Johnny Manziel could potentially replicate some of ol' Drunk Kerry's magic.
:lol

[Bill_Brasky]

Oh man.....that bit about Greg Schiano being a complete moron was great :lol

[symple19]

http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/18vs9w8xv968mjpg/ku-bigpic.jpg

Your 2012 record: 13-3. No one makes a 13-3 record look thoroughly underwhelming quite like the Falcons.
Your quarterback: Matt Ryan, who just pocketed $59 million in guaranteed money (http://deadspin.com/matt-ryan-just-got-paid-920797842). Hoooooly shit. If I had $59 million in guaranteed money, I would spread it out in cash on my bedroom floor and then masturbate on it.

Your coach: Mike Smith, who is a good coach 95% of the time. He can assemble a very good staff. He can nurture a young passer like Matt Ryan and help turn him into a top-tier quarterback. He can concoct defensive schemes that help cover up glaring deficiencies in the secondary. He can bestow upon the Falcons an atmosphere of professionalism and levelheadedness that every NFL team aspires to but few actually achieve. He can do all that, and then PISS IT AWAY in one single, breathtaking moment of frantic idiocy (http://espn.go.com/blog/nflnation/post/_/id/70759/explaining-atlantas-onside-kick). "Well, we were trying to execute an ill-advised squib kick when we executed an even more ill-advised onside kick instead!" When it matters most, Mike Smith suddenly morphs into Barry Switzer. It's astonishing. He must study game tape of Andy Reid or something.

Why your team sucks: Falling behind 17-0 against this team means you have them exactly where you want them. Between Smith's glaring clock management errors, the listless crowd at the Georgia Dome (some of whom STILL haven't gotten over Mike Vick being cut), and a horrific pass defense (which lost its best pass rusher and two best corners in the offseason!), this is a team custom-made for blowing big leads in important games.


And you know what? That's fine by me. Anything that keeps the Falcons away from the Super Bowl is a good thing. This is an exciting team with a excellent QB and a kickass receiving corps, and yet I'm completely and utterly repelled by them. They're like the Spurs if the Spurs played football and were relocated to a city with 10 times more traffic and 20 times more stupid people. Atlanta is a toxic mix of Southern bro culture, indifferent sports fans, sous-chefs with pork cut diagram tattoos, meth-addled rednecks, overworked Tyler Perry production assistants, and overrated, shitty, minor league hip-hop. I know that sports talk radio is a cesspool of bad ideas, but I promise you that Atlanta sports talk radio somehow manages to bring the discourse even lower (http://deadspin.com/heres-the-steve-gleason-bit-that-got-three-atlanta-rad-513889322).
I have an inexplicable distaste for the Falcons, to the point that I'm happy to see any other team but them in important primetime and/or playoff games. Thankfully, the only big move they made this offseason was to bring in Osi Umenyiora to get hurt for 12 games. And now that Ryan has Joe Flacco money, the team will never be able to afford a decent supporting cast.

Not that this matters at all to Arthur Blank. Blank just got $200 million (http://deadspin.com/that-insane-new-falcons-stadium-is-really-going-to-happ-514105358) in public funds to tear down the Georgia Dome (only 21 years old and in perfectly good condition) to build a luxury stadium that looks like a pile of Magformers my kid dropped on the floor. Because Falcons fans just weren't QUIET enough before! Let's pacify them a little more with bigger TV screens and soundproof lounges! What the fuck does Arthur Blank need $200 million to build a new stadium for? He owns Home Depot. How about you drive your ass down to one of your shitty stores like the rest of us and wait nine years for a helper to cut lumber for you on the table saw, Arthur? You 1930s movie villain-looking motherfucker. I bet Blank spends his free time tying damsels to railroad tracks.


The six worst Falcons ever:
1. Bobby Petrino. This is a franchise with a long history of terrible coaching—Norm Van Brocklin, Dan Henning, Marion Campbell (they hired him twice!), June Jones, Norb (NORB!!) Hecker, Jim Hanifan, Little Jimmy Mora, etc. You have to work really hard to stand out as a terrible coach in that crowd. So I salute Ozark Evel Knievel for being a loser, a liar, and a complete shitbag. Such a rare triple threat.
2. Aundray Bruce
3. Michael Vick. I don't know if Vick really belongs on this list. But when you get yourself cut for dog genocide, it kind of forces my hand.
4. Bruce Pickens
5. Jammi German. Still the weirdest name ever. Sounds like a package of terrible candy.
6. Chris Miller. God, they tried so hard for so long to make Chris Miller happen. Imagine if Blaine Gabbert stayed with the Jaguars for five more years. That's Chris Miller's career. So much time wasted.
7. Matt Ryan looks like a chipmunk.

Corey:

I've been a lifelong Falcons fan and I feel I can give you multiple reasons why the Falcons suck:
1. The Falcons are at best the 6th most popular football team in the Atlanta area. The exact order is 1. UGA. 2. Local HS team 3. Auburn 4. Alabama 5. Ga. Southern 6. Falcons. The reason our slogan is "Rise up" is because everyone in Atlanta is too hung over from the previous two days of rooting for their favorite teams to actually notice the Falcons exist without the Samuel L. Jackson screaming, "Rise Up" in their face on a Sunday morning.
2. When Matt Ryan was selected to be the first and only true franchise QB in Falcons history, there were nearly race riots all over Atlanta. Keep in mind, Vick was serving a prison sentence for ruthlessly murdering dogs... and there were still Vick fans who thought it was ok and that Vick should return to the team after his prison sentence! Why? Because he makes "sick moves and gets on highlight reels".
3. The Falcons once gave a career .500 QB $120+ million dollars to be the primary puppy killer on teams coached by Jim Mora and Bobby Petrino. The same guy who brought a water bottle bong onto an airplane.
4. We let Joey Harrington be the face of the post-vick Falcons for one season.
5. Pat Yasinskas of ESPN has spent the last three years exploiting the promise of Harry Douglas. Well, when given his one big opportunity to become a Falcons legend, Harry Douglas falls down on a freaking wheel route with no one on him (http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-game-highlights/0ap2000000128705/Harbaugh-goes-crazy-after-Douglas-catch) and a clear path to the end zone for the lead and in all likelihood a SB birth. Everyone keeps saying, "Err we were 10 yards away from a Super Bowl". False, we were one professional athlete who gets paid to be athletic and not fall down on a play that is run to perfection by seven-year-olds away from going to the Super Bowl.
6. We have the all-time best red zone tight end in history and on the aforementioned "10 yards away play" he literally stands by himself in the endzone while Matt Ryan jams it into Roddy White (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0VmVewPoq8).




Dave:
The good thing about Osi is that he fits perfectly into the space of "former incredible DL player who now gets hurt all the time but when he's healthy makes you think Holy Shit he's awesome" spot vacated by the corpse of John Abraham.
The defense will still give up 30 ppg in the playoffs and the media will still crucify Matt Ryan for being unable to win in the postseason. Yeah, too bad he couldn't cover the Seahawks TE and Vernon Davis who combined for something like 975 yards and 13 touchdowns in the playoffs against Atlanta. I'd much prefer to go 4-12 and blow out Cam Newton's ACL than 12-4 and get curb stomped by Seattle in January.

Also, the Smith family can die in a herpes tornado.

PS, when Morton Andersen booted the Falcons into the Super Bowl over your beloved Vikings I was 22 years old and wept tears of joy.

[symple19]

:lmao

Atlanta has, hands down, the worst fans in America

[Chief Brody]

:lmao

Atlanta has, hands down, the worst fans in America
It's just a coincidence that Atlanta is also the capital of black middle-class America

[Chinook]

Wasted opportunity for them not to mention Ryan's anti-clutch performances. You'd think Smith were running on the field and forcing Matt to make all those turnovers.

[DUNCANownsKOBE]

I love how the guy is calling out owners for getting public money, but he should be calling out the corrupt city officials who give it away.

[benefactor]

I love how the guy is calling out owners for getting public money, but he should be calling out the corrupt city officials who give it away.
Truth bomb.

[benefactor]

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2013-new-orleans-saints-1027576453


In a league with so many terrible defenses, the Saints had the worst defense by FAR. They gave up 15 percent more yards than the second-worst defense in the league (the Giants). And who did they hire to fix this mess?

(door flies open)

http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/18w2ohbmzp5fejpg/ku-xlarge.jpg

OW-OOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Finally, Wolfman Rob is workin' in a city that GETS him. Me and this town go way back, friendo. I remember coming here for my fourth bachelor party back in 1982. I went to my favorite bordello—Lucky Pierre's—and met up with this Creole gal who had REMARKABLE tits. Well, she takes me up to the Dr. John Suite and peels her lace frock off. And I swear to God, this gal had not one dick between her legs, but TWO! Looked like a cow's udder down there. Well anyway, I make a few "halftime adjustments" and we ended up having a shitkickin' good time. I won't lie: I love a woman with a man's ass. I may have been on mushrooms and acid at the time. REAL WILD SHIT.

FUN FACT: No New Orleans resident has taken a shower since 1985. You people are worse than rednecks because you think having a bunch of overcrowded, sweaty jazz clubs and a signature fried shrimp hoagie makes you immune from being labeled rednecks. Not true. You are rednecks with an inexplicable superiority complex. New Orleans is the birthplace of so many awful things: goth culture, actors trying to get extra "realness" cred, Dan Aykroyd's music career, writers who co-opt the city's poorest residents for their own moral grandstanding, an economy based solely on tit beads, and natives who earn a living off of tourism but make every effort to let tourists know they don't "get" their shithole of a town and never will. GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO BOURBON STREET AIN'T THE REAL N'AWLINS GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO. I hope the Saints' Super Bowl win is eventually vacated.
This is close to the best one so far :lol.

[benefactor]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHIFLNWZBfA

I had forgot all about this :lol

Gonna need to hear from BRHornet45 about this.

[gaKNOW!blee]

Tim Dwight = Boss

[Chief Brody]

Tim Dwight = Boss
Fastest white guy I can remember. Tough as nails too

[Chief Brody]

Should they even bother writing a Bills one?

[TrainOfThought5]

Im pretty sure theyre sitting back saying a Cowboys one is too easy.

[symple19]

:lol

awesome

[symple19]

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2013-cincinnati-bengals-1040196726

Weakest effort so far, imo

guess he blew his wad on the Saints

[benefactor]

Yeah...that was pretty weak. The best part is probably the 10/10 Andre Smith rant in the fan emails.

[Blake]

Your team: lol utsa

Your 2012 record: irrelevant

Your coach: Larry Coker. Nice guy, but that's his problem. He let's his players walk all over him.
His resume looks nice though, but an extreme coddling coach like this just couldn't last long at the real college football level.
This beta coaching style fits perfect at a douche school like lolutsa though.

Why your team sucks: because of your fans. Lolutsa turd faggit fans generally think the roadrunners will be on the level of a school like Baylor in the next three years, Notre Dame in the next five, Alabama in 6.
You also play in an arena that was built on my tax dollar. I don't like that.
I do however love the old roadrunner logo in the jogging suit.
No end in sight for the sucking.

6 worst roadrunners ever

1. bleedorange&blue: this guy got so butthurt that he actually visited another poster at his job. Also made Kori so pissed that she gave lolutsa their own forum just to get them out of the way
2. The jackass who bragged about being a sugar daddy to a bunch of young mothers. Can't remember his name.
3. lebomb: this dude licks asshole. He got so tired of being made fun of that he now brags about it. Problem for him is that we still see the butthurt through the bragging.
4. FkLa: Diaw>Lee, etc
5. Devin Brown: these days is a drunk driver
6. Soza: worst QB they've ever had

[J.T.]

The good ol lol utsa days... Call me crazy, but I might actually like, MISS the time when lol utsa didn't have their own subforum. So much fun.

[symple19]

Your team: lol utsa

Your 2012 record: irrelevant

Your coach: Larry Coker. Nice guy, but that's his problem. He let's his players walk all over him.
His resume looks nice though, but an extreme coddling coach like this just couldn't last long at the real college football level.
This beta coaching style fits perfect at a douche school like lolutsa though.

Why your team sucks: because of your fans. Lolutsa turd faggit fans generally think the roadrunners will be on the level of a school like Baylor in the next three years, Notre Dame in the next five, Alabama in 6.
You also play in an arena that was built on my tax dollar. I don't like that.
I do however love the old roadrunner logo in the jogging suit.
No end in sight for the sucking.

6 worst roadrunners ever

1. bleedorange&blue: this guy got so butthurt that he actually visited another poster at his job. Also made Kori so pissed that she gave lolutsa their own forum just to get them out of the way
2. The jackass who bragged about being a sugar daddy to a bunch of young mothers. Can't remember his name.
3. lebomb: this dude licks asshole. He got so tired of being made fun of that he now brags about it. Problem for him is that we still see the butthurt through the bragging.
4. FkLa: Diaw>Lee, etc
5. Devin Brown: these days is a drunk driver
6. Soza: worst QB they've ever had

:lol

Should post in the lolutsa forum, tbh :tu

[Blake]

Eerily on cue, not even directed at me


You still cant STFU.....we know UT, Bama, LSU and a ton of programs are better. We already know that Soza wasnt good enough to be the QB at these universities at the time. So what?? He is a pretty good QB non the less. Hell there are tons of QBs that went to lesser football programs and turned out to be great QBs in college and the pros. UT has been around for 900yrs also, so they will always get the cream of the crop recruits. Tell us something we dont know and stop clowning on UTSA which is still an infant as a university and as a football team. Its getting there.

[symple19]

:lol Cleveland


Your 2012 record: 5-11. FUN FACT: the Browns have won either four or five games every year for the past five years. OOOOH WHICH ONE WILL IT BE THIS YEAR?! My money is on four!
The Browns have lost 10 or more games in nine of the past 10 years. That's a large enough sample size for us to know this is no accident. You have to really TRY to be that bad. You have to deliberately plant staph fungus in the locker room showerheads and sign Jake Delhomme and hire Leo Bloom as your accountant to craft a failure this magnificent, this seemingly permanent.


Your coach: Rob Chudzinski. Here's a photo of ol' Chud.
http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/18w9w5zywzlj7jpg/original.jpg
Shouldn't he be leaking secret government cyber-surveillance programs to Julian Assange or something? Anyway, young Beau Bridges here was hired only after Chip Kelly gave the Browns a handjob for 12 hours before punching them in the balls and fleeing the massage parlor. Chud was the offensive coordinator in Cleveland back in 2007, the year Derek "Horse Balls" Anderson inexplicably threw 29 touchdown passes (OMG STEROIDS!) and the Browns won an un-Browns-like 10 games. So Chud is back to restore Cleveland to its former anomalous, soft-schedule-aided glory days. And he's brought Norv Turner with him! YAY! Can you believe it took this long for Norv and the Browns to join forces? THEY WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. I hope he never leaves.
Also, the Browns have a shiny new GM in PANTHEON BS REPORT GUEST (http://www.grantland.com/blog/the-triangle/tag/_/name/mike-lombardi) Mike Lombardi. Let's hope that Mike's time-tested method of kissing Bill Belichick's ass and assigning arbitrary "blue chipper" labels to good players helps the Browns reverse decades of institutionalized failure.






Why your team sucks: Only in Cleveland. ONLY in Cleveland would the new owner be a minority Steelers owner who turned out to be a fucking crook (http://www.cleveland.com/metro/index.ssf/2013/05/guilty_pleas_by_2_of_jimmy_has.html). Not only is Jimmy Haslam a crook, but his company of truck driver handjob emporiums is a whopping FOUR BILLION DOLLARS IN DEBT (http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/9458428/jimmy-haslam-says-no-plans-sell-cleveland-browns). Oh my fucking God! Are his truck stops built out of fucking platinum? This man isn't even an effective crook. The feds are so far up Haslam's ass that his dad might be called in to run the team (http://www.ohio.com/sports/browns/report-jimmy-haslam-s-82-year-old-father-would-control-browns-if-fraud-probe-prompts-shift-in-power-1.418811). Jimmy Haslam's father, you should note, is 82 years old. You get a crook AND you get Ralph Wilson all in one!
The Browns are so colossally fucked up that they stand as a monument to more than just football incompetence. They are a living allegory of EVERYTHING WRONG WITH AMERICA. Here's Roger Goodell (http://www.cbssports.com/nfl/blog/eye-on-football/22975705/roger-goodell-jimmy-haslam-will-be-a-great-owner-for-the-browns), who is a glorified errand boy, defending Haslam despite the fact that the feds have said Haslam knowingly defrauded other companies out of millions of dollars:

"Jimmy Haslam is a man of great integrity," Goodell said, via the Cleveland Plain Dealer (http://www.cleveland.com/browns/index.ssf/2013/08/nfl_commissioner_roger_goodell_4.html?utm_source=d lvr.it&utm_medium=twitter). "We're proud to have him as an owner in the NFL and think he's going to be a great owner for the Cleveland Browns and their fans here. [...] We actually hold ownership to a higher standard and management. I think we've proven that in what we've done."
Everything Goodell has said here, from beginning to end, is a breathtaking lie. It's amazing, really. To think that you can buy a billion-dollar football team with money that you probably don't have, and then have the commissioner of the NFL prop you up because the league can't ever admit in public that it's dealing in some seriously shady shit. Isn't that remarkable? If you know the right people, you don't even have to be rich to be rich in this country. You can just go billions of dollars into debt and then have everyone keep you afloat because they don't want to go down with you. What a complete and utter fucking disgrace. I hope Jimmy Haslam gets sent to Elkton, and I hope Roger Goodell is assigned to do cafeteria duty with him.
By the way, we haven't even gotten to the on-field product in Cleveland, which is wretched. Weeden will almost certainly be benched during the season for Brian Hoyer (former Patriot! MIKE LOMBARDI SAYS BILL BELICHICK KNOWS HOW TO DEVELOP YOUNG BLUE CHIPPERS!). The offensive line is somehow on the downswing. The receivers can't catch, even when they're not under suspension. The defense is terrible and is shifting base alignments. They also gave $15 million guaranteed in the offseason to THIS guy:

McClain mugging during his arrest, Bryant looking tore-up during his photo-op...#Raiders (https://twitter.com/search?q=%23Raiders&src=hash) sure photograph well: pic.twitter.com/3VQIMGPe2S (http://t.co/3VQIMGPe2S)
— Victor Cotto (@cottovic) February 25, 2013 (https://twitter.com/cottovic/statuses/306119012209811458)There's no part of this that isn't horribly depressing. I feel like I'm watching a dog being strangled. Of course, this is what Cleveland fans get for voluntarily living in one of America's most downtrodden cities and then acting surprised when they get trodden down.



The 18 worst Browns ever:
1. Tim Couch. Still married to Heather Kozar! Something tells me he lives his life with few regrets.
2. Dwayne Rudd
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AOfUBG0pKjk)

3. Courtney Brown
4. Brady Quinn. Choosing your least favorite Cleveland starting QB is like choosing your favorite child. I simply can't decide!
5. Taupe
6. Charlie Frye
7. William Green
8. Pat Shurmur. I'm telling you, I had already forgotten he was the coach last year. It's like they were coached by a vapor cloud.
9. Eric Zeier
10 (t). Kevin Johnson, Dennis Northcutt, Quincy Morgan, André Davis, Brian Robiskie. You guys should NEVER draft a wideout in the second round. Ever.
15. Jake Delhomme
16. Dwight Clark
17. Tommy Vardell. TOUCHDOWN TOMMY! (NOTE: Scored three touchdowns in his entire career)
18. Eric Mangini. Read this (http://www.clevescene.com/cleveland/manginis-mess-sent-to-save-the-cleveland-browns-eric-mangini-instead-put-on-a-clinic-on-how-to-drive-a-teams-morale-into-the-ground/Content?oid=3625467) and be horrified.



Randy:

Their best player in the last decade was LeBron hypothetically becoming a tight end for them.



Roro:

Out of the games that I have been to the last five years, I have spent 90% of my time at the Club Level bar chasing beers with Long Islands instead of watching the steaming pile of shit teams that we had on our field. Over this time period, the best player on our team was the kicker, and now even he is gone. Staph infections run rampant in locker rooms. Our owner is about to be cellmates with Bernie Madoff. Our best defender got suspended for illegal substances... ADDERALL... is this high school? A quarterback from Duke started a game for us last year, so things are basically looking up.
Still waiting for next year.
I need a cocktail.



Glenn:

Our icons are a running back who quit on the team 50 years ago to be in movies and beat women, and a barely better than average quarterback who couldn’t beat John Elway and sounds like he is drunk 100% of the time.



David:

When I watch Browns games today, I physically sense my time on Earth being wasted. Sitting through a whole game can raise dark existential questions that pierce through whatever booze shield I'm wielding.


:lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao

[symple19]

http://www.clevescene.com/cleveland/manginis-mess-sent-to-save-the-cleveland-browns-eric-mangini-instead-put-on-a-clinic-on-how-to-drive-a-teams-morale-into-the-ground/Content?oid=3625467 :wow:wow:wow:wow:wow:wow:wow

[symple19]

Eric Mangini :lmao

[benefactor]

Man...that's brutal.

[The Reckoning]

i think #2 was tonylongoriafan

[Blake]

i think #2 was tonylongoriafan

Rofl yeah, that was him.

[benefactor]

Pittsburgh Steelers (http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2013-pittsburgh-steelers-1065343296)

Again...not his best effort but the emails are pretty funny...and this gif is full of incredible amounts of win:

http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/18wdt7i41ofy9gif/original.gif

[symple19]

This was pretty good


You (Pittsburgh) are the EVIL EMPIRE OF GRITITUDE. You are a fanbase riddled with Cowboys-style bandwagoners and people who treat the local sports bar like it's their personal litter box, and you deserve nothing but misery. Die.

:lmao

Truth bomb

[symple19]

Bubby Brister :lmao

[symple19]

Baltimore Ravens :lol


Your 2012 record: 10-6, Super Bowl champions. And the fun thing about being a hater is that I can concoct any number of completely stupid ways to discredit your title. You won only because Jimmy Smith held! You just got hot at the right time! If Rahim Moore weren't a fuckup and John Fox weren't a gutless coward, you'd be divisional round chum!Fluuuuuuuuke. The refs fucked the Niners over! RAY LEWIS IS STILL A MURDERER STABBY STAB STAB. Stupid Ravens fans. Winning a Super Bowl doesn't actually mean you're any good.


Your quarterback: Joe Flacco. Now that the postseason is over, ol' Boring Joe (his family calls him Boring Joe because he's boring!) can go back to completing less than 60 percent of his passes, barely throwing 20 touchdowns, and being the AFC's answer to Eli Manning. He simply isn't the same passer without Ray Lewis's MAGIC JESUS HANDS (http://deadspin.com/5980173/the-haters-guide-to-ray-lewis)guiding his passes. Also, Flacco got paid this offseason ($52 million guaranteed). With the remaining cap space, the Ravens have signed this velcro catch paddle to play wideout.
http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/18wi0a8u5pabpjpg/ku-xlarge.jpg
I'm told it has better hands than Ed Dickson.



Why your team sucks: No Lewis. No Ed Reed. No Matt Birk. No Anquan Boldin. No Dennis Pitta (out for the year). No Paul Kruger. No Cary Williams. No Vonta Leach. Oh, but the team DID sign Rolando McClain to pick up some slack in the Get Arrested And Then Retire Department. This team was gutted in record time. And the worst part is that, even though they're destined to go 8-8, I'm still gonna get more Ray Lewis than I ever wanted because ESPN is gonna put him in front of a camera for 23 hours every day. Just one constant live stream of Lewis praising Jesus and fake-smiling as if he's never been complicit in the stabbing death of another human being. PUKE.

By the way, whenever you take a shot at Ray Lewis (http://deadspin.com/5980173/the-haters-guide-to-ray-lewis) for the Atlanta stabbings, Ravens fans get all dismissive. You're still bringing that up? We're over it, you guys. NOW LET'S CRANK UP SOME DAUGHTRY AT THIS BARBECUE. Ravens fans are the sole reason that the Greene Turtle stays in business.
Their fans are posers: jorts-wearing crab-billies who love playing up their city's toughness but would never dare step foot inside Baltimore city limits. If you've been to Baltimore proper, you know that it's a third-world deathscape, dotted with hobos selling copper scrap and crazy-eyed meth zombies staring at you from atop abandoned railcars. I'm shocked that the Elysium space station can't be seen hovering over it. Billy from Glen Burnie is just as scared shitless of that town as any other American is, but that's not gonna stop him from rocking a pair of purple camo pants and pretending he's the leader of some kind of battalion of unarmed Grimaces. YOU'RE SO FUCKING HARD. If Ray Lewis showed up on some Ravens fans' doorstep, they'd spend the night hiding in the carport.

[JoeTait75]

Our icons are a running back who quit on the team 50 years ago to be in movies and beat women, and a barely better than average quarterback who couldn’t beat John Elway and sounds like he is drunk 100% of the time.

Why's he got to talk about Bernie like that.

[benefactor]

:lol those emails


I've lived in the city my entire life. Basically, the city is like living in some Russian novel. The weather is always obnoxiously hot, or freezing cold, but whatever the forecast, it always looks gray and miserable. The murder rate is fucking terrible, the politicians are corrupt, and I've been stuck in the same traffic for the last fifteen years. Everybody is just a rotten and miserable cocksucker. Last Sunday, somebody on the bus tried to sell me lump crab meat out of his lunch bag. You can see it on people's faces, everybody walks around like they just returned from Vietnam.

We pretend that Ray isn't a murdering weirdo shit head, but swear the Roethlisberger is a serial rapist.

The fans need to thank the heavens that the NFL has a piss poor drug testing system too because if Suggs pissed in a cup it would melt. I can now bank on this cocky, ugly shitbag who beats up women & throws bleach on them while they hold infants to be the Raven that I can root against for the next several years. He was #2 on this list, but good ol uncle Ray Ray quit because he was old & had to go burn a white suit or something like that. I can now say that I won’t have to watch ESPN pre-game shows for Lewis on it either. I’d rather be strapped to the wing of the Challenger space shuttle then watch this phony butcher the English language.

[symple19]

Reader comments/emails are one of, if not the best things about deadspin :lol

[monosylab1k]

By the way, whenever you take a shot at Ray Lewis for the Atlanta stabbings, Ravens fans get all dismissive. You're still bringing that up? We're over it, you guys. NOW LET'S CRANK UP SOME DAUGHTRY AT THIS BARBECUE.

:lol

[symple19]

Detroit

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2013-detroit-lions-1108073618


Your 2012 record: 4-12. And that's no ordinary 4-12 season for the Lions. This was a team that went 10-6 in 2011 before getting torched by the Saints in the playoffs. There was the illusion that this team had actually BUILT something, that they would be able to remain consistently successful, perhaps even, you know, improve. But not only did they go 4-12, they went 4-12 without anything catastrophic happening. Matt Stafford played the whole season. Megatron played the whole season. The core of young talent they assembled remained intact and just SUCKED. Even when the Lions do everything right, they still do nothing right. You could clone the 49ers and their coaching staff, put them in Lions uniforms, and they would still go 4-12. There is some kind of cosmic suck cloud that has enveloped them, that overtakes anything it comes into contact with.


Why your team sucks:
Back in 1997, the NFL played the occasional Thursday Night game on TNT (with Mark May on color commentary, which was just terrible as you can imagine it being). Former Oiler Sean Jones was one of the studio guys, and I remember they were talking about the Lions and Jones blurted out, "This team just sucks right now." Jones only worked that one year in the studio, but I totally remember him saying that for some reason. You never hear an analyst say that a team "sucks," which is odd because so many of them do. Anyway, anytime I watch the Lions, I hear Jones in my head. This team just sucks right now. This team just sucks right now. This team just sucks right now. This team just sucks right now. Their suckiness is secondhand nature at this point.
The worst part is that they're sucking in an empty forest. There are still four major sports teams operating out of Detroit, acting as if nothing is wrong, as if they aren't residing in the only non-condemned structures within a 30-mile radius. Honestly, you may as well put an NFL team in fucking Atlantis. There is no Detroit anymore. It's been lost to history, never to return. You don't see Major League Baseball keeping the Fort Wayne Kekiongas around, do you? No. Stop playing sports in an ancient ruin. It's creepy.
Football-wise, this wasn't a particularly good defensive team last season, especially when the refs gave running backs a second chance to get up and carry the ball against them. And now they've lost Cliff Avril, Kyle Vanden Bosch's red contact lenses, three defensive tackles, two corners, and 60 pints of blood. Oh, but Nick Fairley is still here to get injured for 10 weeks, and Ndamukong Suh will glare at the opposing team's offensive linemen until things just feel really uncomfortable.



Travis:

People still wear fuckin Charles Rogers, Roy Williams, Joey Harrington, and Kevin Jones jerseys to the games. It is as if Matt Millen has the same child porn pics on them that he did on Ford Sr.



John:

Our offensive line and secondary are perfect metaphors for all the neighborhoods in Detroit that have been completely abandoned and left to the elements. I’m 21 years old, have horrible social skills, and have never gotten past first base with a girl. I still think I’m getting laid before the Lions win a fucking playoff game.



Steve:

You don't know suck until you've visited Detroit. Seriously, it's the only city in the United States with housing cheaper than a night's stay at a nice hotel (http://www.buzzfeed.com/summeranne/detroit-cheap-houses), and it's still considered a bad investment. It literally takes a day for the police to come to your house if there's a break-in; even the burglars get burgled. The city of Detroit is the absolute only thing that the Lions are better than. Most cities have buffer zones between their bad neighborhoods and million dollar stadiums. Not Detroit. You can look across the street from Ford Field and see blown out windows in a 200 year old brick building with a spray-painted mural of a whore getting slapped by a pimp - but hey, at least she's making money.
The worst part is that the fans buy into the Lions. EVERY YEAR. Including myself. For whatever reason, we think a washed up running back, kicker who made a Youtube video, and a defensive end who's played less minutes of football than the average high school sophomore were somehow the missing pieces. Oh yeah, that's what's going to get us over the hump, guys.
If my Lions ever want to win, they need to get the living hell out of fucking Detroit. Move to Columbus, OH - a white collar area where all the Browns fans are just BEGGING for a reason to root for a different team. You cannot win in a city that was bred to lose.



Rich:

If you are within 5 blocks of the stadium you are safe, anywhere outside of that area you had better be Snake Plissken to get out alive.
The Fords are just like everyone else. They blow in watch the game, get their 'Livin' In The D' on and then get the hell out before all the game time police presence disappears and the city returns to its usual hellscape. God I hate being a Lions fan.


:lmao


ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER (https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&ved=0CC0QFjAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Ftwitter.com%2FZODIAC_MF&ei=NuoIUquBAeugyAHj5oGQBQ&usg=AFQjCNG86gaisBTBnoaI-u5LTtMcz5ixsw&sig2=fIkzqyS_KrJK9JCkzi4T1A):

THE ONLY FUCKING TIME MY OLD MAN EVER EXPRESSES ANY HOPE OR OPTIMISM IS WHEN FOOTBALL SEASON APPROACHES. “HEY THEYRE LOOKING PRETTY GOOD THIS YEAR. WHO KNOWS?” WHO KNOWS? I FUCKING KNOW AND IVE ONLY BEEN WATCHING THIS FUCKING TEAM HALF AS LONG AS HE HAS. SIX WEEKS INTO THE SEASON THOUGH HE FINALLY GETS IT. THE LIONS DO SOME DUMB SHIT AND HES BACK TO HIS POSTGAME RITUAL OF TRASHING THE PLACE IN A MOTHERFUCKING RAGE AND GOING TO BED AT 5PM
POPS ONCE TOLD ME WITH AN INFUCKINGEXPRESSABLY SAD SERIOUSNESS “I WONT REST IN PEACE UNTIL THE LIONS WIN A SUPER BOWL. I MAY BE DEAD WHEN IT HAPPENS BUT WHEN THEY WIN ONE I’LL KNOW.” SERIOUSLY HE TOLD ME THAT SHIT ONCE. AND THATS WHY I WILL DESPISE MATT MILLEN UNTIL MY DYING BREATH. MATT MILLEN STOLE EIGHT YEARS FROM MY FATHER. EIGHT LONG YEARS. AND IF I EVER SEE THAT EMIL MUZZ LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER I’M GONNA COLLECT THAT DEBT TO THE FUCKING SECOND
FUCKING LIONS. A TEAM SO FUCKING SHITTY THAT IT MADE AN ARMY FIRST LIEUTENANT SAY FUCK IT I QUIT. WE LEVERAGE LEAGUE LEADERS INTO LOSING SEASONS AND ALLTIME GREATS INTO TOTAL MEDIOCRITY. WE REFLECT OUR CITY’S DYSFUNCTION MISMANAGEMENT MISERY AND PIGHEADED STUPIDITY LIKE A FUCKING MIRROR AND WE ALWAYS KID OURSELVES THAT IT’S SOMEHOW GETTING BETTER. SQUEAKY FROMME WASNT AS DELUDED AS WE ARE
THIS IS A TEAM WITH A CULTURE SO FUCKED UP THAT ONE OF THE BEST OFFENSIVE LINEMEN IN OUR TEAM HISTORY PROUDLY DECLARED THAT HE REPEATEDLY LET HIS QB GET DEMOLISHED BECAUSE HE DIDNT LIKE THE GUY. AND THIS WAS BACK WHEN WE ACTUALLY MADE THE FUCKING PLAYOFFS ON A REGULAR BASIS IF YOUR IMAGINATION CAN CONJURE SUCH A CIRCUMSTANCE. THAT’S OUR LIONS: EVEN WHEN THEYRE FLAILING ON THE CUSP OF GREATNESS THEY STILL FIND TIME TO BACKBITE AND FUMBLEFUCK AROUND. WHATEVER IT TAKES TO FUCK UP AND LET EVERYBODY DOWN.
DRAFT PICKS BURNED LIKE AUTUMN LEAVES. CHARLES ROGERS CAPS HIS 12-GAME PROFESSIONAL CAREER BY THREATENING TO MURDER HIS MOTHER AND PASSING OUT IN HIS BOOTH AT ON THE BORDER IN NOVI LIKE A FUCKING WINO. MIKE WILLIAMS SPENDS TWO YEARS FATTING AROUND IN DETROIT BEFORE GETTING FOLDED INTO A DOGSHIT TRADE WITH OAKLAND THAT ILLUSTRATED THE CONCEPT OF SUNK COST BETTER THAN ANY ECONOMICS TEXTBOOK EVER FUCKING COULD.
AND ALL THE WHILE WERE DICKING AROUND WITH THESE LOSERS ANDRE JOHNSON AND DEMARCUS WARE ARE DOWN IN TEXAS RACKING UP ALLPRO HONORS LIKE REGGIE ROGERS RACKS UP VEHICULAR HOMICIDES AND BEN ROETHLISBERGER IS THE ALL-SEEING ALL-RAPING RINGBEARING FOOTBALL GOD OF YINZERLAND. THE MIND REELS
EVEN THE GOOD PICKS ARE WASTED IN THAT SPECIAL DETROIT WAY. MATTHEW STAFFORD? SURE THE FUCKING GUY LOOKS LIKE HE SHOULD BE OUT LOOKING FOR ONE EYED WILLIE’S TREASURE BUT THE FACT IS HE’S THE FIRST LIONS QUARTERBACK IN DECADES THATS WORTH A BENT DICK AND YET SOMEHOW AFTER FOUR YEARS IN THE LEAGUE AND A COUPLE SEASONS OF MONSTER STATS AND A PLAYOFF APPEARANCE HIS CAREER HIGHLIGHT REMAINS THAT TIME IN HIS ROOKIE YEAR WHEN HE PEELED HIMSELF OFF THE FIELD TO GET THE WIN IN A SHOOTOUT WITH BRADY FUCKING QUINN OF ALL FUCKING CLIPBOARD STANDS. IT WAS A FEAT OF HEROISM SO BOLD AND SO MEANINGLESS IT WAS LIKE RUNNING INTO A BURNING BUILDING TO SAVE A GOLDFISH. WE WENT 2-14 THAT YEAR AND WE STILL TALK ABOUT THAT GAME LIKE IT WAS OUR PERSONAL FUCKING SEA OF HANDS.
COACHES COME TO DETROIT TO FUCKING DIE AND OFTEN RIGHTLY SO. THAT FUCKING IMBECILE MARTY MORNHINWEG FOR INSTANCE. FUCKING GUY WINNING THE COIN TOSS THEN STUPEFUCKINGFYINGLY GIVING THE MOTHERFUCKING BALL TO THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCKING BEARS WHO OF COURSE PROMPTLY SCORE. HE SHOULDVE BEEN COURT-MARTIALED AND EXECUTED RIGHT THEN AND FUCKING THERE. EITHER THEN OR THAT TIME HE MADE SOME BIG PRODUCTION OF ROARING OUT OF PRACTICE ON HIS HARLEY LIKE HE WAS CLAY FUCKING MORROW AND NOT SOME OVERPROMOTED DIPSHIT WITH NO BUSINESS WHATSOEVER MANNING THE CAPTAINS WHEEL. I CAN SCARCELY DREAM UP A MORE FITTING HELL FOR AN ASSHOLE LIKE THAT THAN BEING TASKED WITH UNTANGLING THE LOW RENT QUARTERBACK CLUSTERFUCK IN THE JETS CAMP
THEN IT WAS STEVE MARIUCCI. THE MITT ROMNEY OF NFL COACHES. THAT BLAND WEATHERMAN VENEER OF COMPETENCE WITH THE UNMISTAKABLE AIR OF A MAN WHO WOULD RATHER BE ANYFUCKINGPLACE ELSE. DUDE ONLY CAME TO DETROIT AS A FAVOR TO HIS FAT STUPID FRIEND WHO WAS TOO FUCKING DUMB TO TAKE CARE OF THINGS HIMSELF. KINDA LIKE NED STARK. TURNED OUT ABOUT THE SAME WAY FOR HIM TOO
AFTER THAT WAS MARINELLI BRINGING THE KIND OF DARK ARITHMETIC THAT TRANSFORMS 6-2 TO 7-9 TO 0-16. NOW ITS COACH SCHWARTZ SWIRLING DOWN THE DRAIN. HE TAKES HIS FASHION CUES FROM THE DOG WHISPERER AND ALL HE THINKS ABOUT ON GAMEDAY IS WHETHER HE SHOULD LISTEN TO BILLY SQUIER OR THE FUCKING SCORPIONS. BUT AT LEAST HIS HEART’S IN IT. AND THAT PASSIONS GONNA SERVE HIM WELL IN A YEAR AFTER HES SCORED THAT PLUM ASSISTANT DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR GIG WITH THE JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS.
THESE ARE THE DETROIT FUCKING LIONS WERE TALKING ABOUT. EVEN IF IT’S THE BEST CASE SCENARIO EVEN IF MY EVERY LAST FUCKING ROCKHARD REGULAR SEASON FANTASY COMES TRUE IN THE END SOMEHOW THEY WILL UNDO IT ALL.
BECAUSE WHEN IT COMES TO THE DETROIT LIONS THERE IS NO FAIRY TALE. ITS ALL JUST A BIG JERKOFF. A SADISTIC FUCKING TORTURE GAME PUT ON FOR THE AMUSEMENT OF MILLIONAIRES WITH MISTER RICTUS HIMSELF WILLIAM CLAY FUCKING FORD SENIOR PULLING THE STRINGS. HA HA MADE YA CARE!
UGH. FUCKING LIONS.

[Chief Brody]

^
and I thought I knew NFL pain:lol

[vander]

^
and I thought I knew NFL pain:lol

what?!? you appear to have a pats logo under your name, that doesn't make any sense

[symple19]

what?!? you appear to have a pats logo under your name, that doesn't make any sense

smh :lol

[benefactor]

:lol damn

[symple19]

Da Bears http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2013-chicago-bears-1121358012


Your coach: CFL refugee Marc Trestman. I was in Chicago this spring and talking with a friend of mine who was a Bears fan.
HIM: Have you seen Marc Trestman? Like, actually looked at him?
ME: No.
HIM: He's fucking creepy, man. Just creepy as hell.
ME: Really?
HIM: Really.
So I went and looked for video of Marc Trestman looking creepy, and here it is!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSSUqb7MvIk


The glasses do him no favors.
Trestman is the first CFL head coach to be hired as an NFL head coach in over 30 years. The last one was Frank Kush, who went 0-8-1 in his first season with the Colts. Trestman hasn't been in the NFL for seven years. His last stint was as an assistant on a Tampa team that went 4-12. You never want to make a coaching hire that Al Davis plausibly could have made.
All this was done in the name of "bolstering the offense" (offenses in the NFL are often bolstered). Hiring an offensive "guru" is always a bad idea, particularly when he's an untested Canadian import whose last five seasons were spent coaching in a tinker-toy football league. Trestman has floated the idea of running a read option with Jay Cutler. Have you SEEN Jay Cutler run? Old men blocking the grocery store aisle move with more urgency.



Your one fantasy player everyone will hate: Alshon Jeffery. He's the guy getting talked up in camp. The guy who gets talked up in camp always ends up sucking. Always. I've wasted a lot of time in fantasy football waiting for supposedly talented receivers to break through (Josh Reed is a prime example), and I know damn well that if I draft Jeffery, he'll break an ankle in Week 2 and subsequently gain a hundred pounds.


Why your team sucks: Now that the Blackhawks have won their second Stanley Cup in four years, here is your revised list of a typical white Chicagoan's cheering priorities:
1. Cubs
2. Bill Murray, if attending a Cubs game
3. "The Kubs," Chicagoland's favorite troupe of Cubs impersonators!
4. 1985 Bears
5. Steve Bartman's future assassin
6. Derrick Rose (NOTE: only if willing to play in pain)
7. Teachers' union
8. Blackhawks
9. Proving they were Blackhawks fans prior to 2010
10. Current, actual Bears
9,078. White Sox
The dirty secret of Chicago fans is that it takes very little for them to not give a shit about the Bears. The Bears are a consistently mediocre team run by Miss Havisham, and they play in a windblown mausoleum by the toxic-coal-ash dump known as Lake Michigan. If Chicagoans can find any excuse to ignore the Bears—Derrick Rose, a mayoral election, some leftover sausage in the fridge—they'll take it.
And now Brian Urlacher is gone. URRRRRRLAYYYYYKURRRRRR. That means that Bears fans have lost their one, limp emotional connection to the franchise. Urlacher was everything your average Bears fan thinks he is but isn't: tough, understated, sexually active. You won't find a better white-fanboy object of affection this side of Wes Welker. A fan in an Urlacher jersey is the kind of guy who will drunkenly walk into you, spill your beer, and then challenge you to a fight.
It's keeping in line with a city that fancies itself more sophisticated than its Midwest counterparts, which is like bragging that you were employee of the month at Long John Silver's. I've lived in Chicago. The typical resident is a 5,000-pound Pole who wears stirrup pants to Marshall Field's. All the fancy architecture in the world can't cover up the fact you're a city of fat humps.



Patrick:

For the most part, Chicago is a decent place. But the thing that truly hold us back? We collectively have this small-minded, provincial mindset that we can't seem to comprehend anything further than a couple hour's drive away.
Call out out city's crime? "Gary is way worse!"

Shitty government? "Well, you're welcome to move to Detroit!"
The list of cities the average spherical shaped man from Palo Heights will cite as "not as good as Chicago" continues: Milwaukee. St. Louis. Des Moines.

And here's the joke: Chicago's real rivals are cities like Seoul or Frankfurt. We have to compete with those cities for corporate headquarters or cultural attractions, and time after time we come up lacking. Our shitty airport(s). Our crumbling education system. Our massive gun violence epidemic.
So how does this pertain to your preview of the Chicago Bears? Because for the first time we deigned to roll the dice on an offensive minded coach and bet everything on Jay Cutler and the passing game. And when it fails (and it will), our fan base will once again demonstrate our complete lack of awareness of trends and changes going on out elsewhere in the world outside the midwest. We'll piss and moan that we didn't build around the run for January. Or we just didn't play traditional, "smashmouth" football like Halas/Ditka/God intended.

We'll limp into the playoffs, get housed by some team with a mobile quarterback and a modern system, let Trestman hang around for a year or two, then go right back to a retread defensive coordinator who promises to go back to classic "Bears football" in order to "beat the Packers" and please our myopic half-manatee fans.



Dutch:

Here's a fun drinking game: try to name all the quarterbacks that started for the Bears during the time Brett Favre was the starting quarterback of the Packers. Take a shot for each one you miss. No one ever names them all (there's at least 21). Most give up halfway, finish a bottle of Malört as punishment, drunkenly google the full list, then reminisce. I always remember Moses Moreno, never remember Dave Krieg. How about when Kordell Stewart was under center? That was fun. Cade McNown? Bad at football, good at getting himself kicked out of the Playboy Mansion. Bonus points for throwing out Jim Harbaugh, though. I can't tell you how many people in Chicago take credit for the Niners' recent success just because Jimmy was once a member of our esteemed quarterback carousel. DOSE NINERS, DEY PLAY BEARS FOOTBALL, they say, which is hilarious because Bears football is letting Rex Grossman take snaps under center only to fumble/throw the ball into a defensive lineman's nutsack because that's how tall Rex Grossman is and our offensive line is coached to step out of the way and let the quarterback get destroyed.



GB:

Here's life as Jay Cutler explained in terms of Illinois's finest 24-hour burger joints:

SINGLE SHITBURGER: The Bears traded away Greg Olson - their only successful first-round pick since their trip to the Super Bowl - because the voices in Mike Martz's head told him that every time a tight end catches a pass, an angel loses its wings.

DOUBLE SHITBURGER: Before Brandon Marshall's arrival last year, the Bears' receiving corps was headlined by Earl Bennett, Johnny Knox and Devin "HEY GUYS DID YOU KNOW THAT CATCHING A PASS AND FIELDING A KICK ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS" Hester. Cutler somehow managed to make Bennett and Knox look like NFL-grade receivers despite the fact that they would have been #5 options on real offenses.

TRIPLE SHITBURGER WITH FRIES - Cutler consistently leads the league in sacks taken, thanks to an O-line anchored by J'Marcus Webb, scouts and coaches that turned two first-round tackles into diddley and squat, and a rotating cast of turnstiles at guard. The two best O-linemen during Cutler's tenure in Chicago have been the carcass of Orlando Pace and the geriatric Roberto Garza, both of whom were drafted before the NSA acquired the right and the capability to read this email, and whose Pro Bowl years were well behind them.

And I haven't even mentioned the coaching! Starting with Lovie Smith, who's about as interested in his offense's performance as Buddy Ryan was, continually vowing to "get off the bus running." His offensive co-ordinators were Mike Martz, who attempted to run the Greatest Show on Turf with none of the talent he had in St. Louis. The O-line couldn't protect Cutler long enough to finish his seven-step drops, which didn't stop Martz from calling them by the dozen. After Martz left, Mike Tice was promoted from offensive line coach to OC because why the hell not.

But if Cutler had shown CHICAGO TOUGHNESS and continued playing (poorly) on a shredded MCL, everything would be fine.

I'm not surprised that Cutler has taken to yelling at everyone else associated with this shitshow of an offense. I'm just surprised that he hasn't taken to drink, or attempted to axe-murder Chris Williams on the sidelines.


:lol

[symple19]

Definitely one of the best e-mail sections so far :lmao

[benefactor]

The list of cities the average spherical shaped man from Palo Heights
http://cdn.gifbay.com/2012/12/muay_thai_front_kick_ko-20461.gif

[angrydude]

The Vikings are the heroin of the NFL, and being a Vikings fan is a bit like being Ewan McGregor’s character in Trainspotting. You want to kick the habit, but things just keep getting in the way. Sure, a 15-1 season feels good for awhile, but then a dead baby shows up and misses the game winning field goal in the NFC title game. Then, you pick up Brett Favre, which is like picking up the hottest girl in the club and having mind-blowing sex with her all the way to another NFC title game, only to have Tracy Porter come in and tell you that she’s only 15. The basis of which is used to basically blackmail you for the entire next season. And the people around you are no help….You have the Packers, who think they’re better than everyone else, and always have some kind of scheme going to win the Super Bowl. They annoy the shit out of you, and you enjoy nothing more than seeing them get fucked over. Basically, if Sick Boy and Begbie had a love child, it would be the Green Bay Packers. The Bears try heroin once, contract HIV and it defines their whole existence. The Lions, you actually feel bad for, because all they do is pass out right as they’re about to get laid, only to wake up the next morning having shit the bed. In the end, as a Vikings fan, you end up walking around mumbling to yourself about how it’s going to get better.

[benefactor]

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2013-green-bay-packers-1148710183

One of the better ones and just when you think the emails can't get any better....


But the worst, the absolute worst thing about this fanbase is how little they actually know about football and the rest of the NFL. Not only do they walk around on Sundays with their jerseys wondering aloud "WHAT TIME IS DA GAME ON?" "WHO DO WE PLAY TODAY?" "OH, CARDINALS? DEYR PRETTY GOOD, YAH?" but they act as if football doesn't matter if it's not a Packer game. Seriously. Try talking to them about another team, a certain scheme, the way a certain player is doing that season, and you'll just hear "OH YA, I LOVE MY GREEN BAY PECKERS."

These people suck.

The only difference between Mason Crosby and Nate Kaeding is that Crosby hasn't been put in playoff situations in which he'd pee down his leg.

They have to be the first professional team in the history of football to have an offensive line that is worse than the one belonging to a college team in the same state. It'll be fun watching our two highly touted rookie running backs get blown up behind the line on every other run. Also, Dom Capers has to have a gay-midget orgy sex tape of Ted Thompson that he is blackmailing him with.

Every year, without question, a village of 300 pound idiots flock to see the only black guys they know bang heads and ride children's bicycles from their locker rooms to the practice field.

Oh, and Jermichael Finley couldn't catch gonorrhea if he swam through an ocean of Tara Reid's ass sweat.
:lol

It's so bad that I've spent the last 10 plus years making excuses Sunday afterSunday to avoid watching games with the mouth-breathing Packers fans so as to avoid wanting to punch my friends in their thick fucking cheese-fortified skulls for their manifest destiny-esque disbelief towards rules counting against "their" (yes, every asshole in the state uses pronouns like they are on the team, and if you call them on it, the stupid motherfuckers will no doubt pull out their $200 dollar waste of paper "owners" stock. If only I could take enough shits in my life to wipe my ass on every fucking utterly worthless stock certificate I would have lived a fulfilled life.) great Packers.

And that Lambeau is the greatest stadium in the NFL bullshit. Try telling me that after you spent 3-4 hours wedged sideways between 2 350 pounders who reek of cheap beer, whiskey, B.O. and dead squirrels (last night's dinner) because the fucking bleacher seats have no line a demarcation you can nudge their FUPS across to claim your own stake. On top of that, you have to listen to the orca's blatant lack of a sense of reality as they try to convince themselves that it is just a fluke that Kapernick/Perterson/any somewhat compenent NFL player gashes the Packers non-existent defense for 200 plus yards and things will change when Dom dials up a new defense in the second half or when the refs "stop favoring the other team."
:lol...holy shit.

Ever been to Green Bay in the offseason? It's a ghost town with the occasional fat ass alcoholic zombie stumbling out of an abandoned building.

AJ Hawk couldn't run down my diabetes-riddled grandmother and BJ Raji is an overrated piece of shit. The only qualification for being a head coach of the Green Bay Packers is looking like a fucking walrus. Oh, and our run game has sucked ass for the last three seasons. Our head coach just named DuJuan Harris is our starting RB. DuJuan Harris got cut by the fucking Jaguars. Eddie Lacy is THAT fat.

Mike McCarthy has gone on record saying his dream job would have been a NASCAR driver.

They won't let you into Lambeau with a BMI less than 29.

I've been a Packers fan my entire life, and it continues to astonish me how idiotic the fans are. For instance, prior to the team signing Vince Young as a veteran backup, people were persistently calling local sports radio shows insisting that the best option for a backup quarterback available is JAMARCUS FUCKING RUSSELL. Even when the hosts calmly explained that Russell was terrible and even read his career stat line - essentially failure personified - still people continued to press the matter by saying that he "has a cannon arm" and "he's lost weight." I suppose that's to be expected when half your fan base are bona fide alcoholics and the other half are just unbelievably fat people who think IHOP is where you go when you're on a diet.

Watch the Green Bay nightly news sometime to learn all you need to about the Packers' fan base. A few weeks ago, their LEAD STORY was about the heat at training camp. They covered the Ryan Braun story with what AARON RODGERS FANS felt about it. I swear to fucking Christ, they even led with the news of Reggie White's death on the same day the 2004 tsunami was dragging about 5 trillion people into the Indian Ocean. They covered Brett Favre's first trip back to Green Bay as a Viking like it was the goddamn Kennedy assassination and 9/11 all rolled into one.

I grew up a Packers fan and still watch every week, but after thirty years of this shit, I have to admit that I actually root against them most of the time. Just to watch those fat fucks moan like the devil when they lose. I grew up HATING the Vikings, yet it was one of the biggest let-downs of my sports-watching life when Favre threw that interception in the 2010 NFC title game. If he could have taken the Vikes to the Super Bowl and won, Lake Michigan would have turned red from the blood of a million instant suicides and I would have jizzed strawberry ice cream nonstop for a year.

[symple19]

The Chargers :lmao http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2013-san-diego-chargers-1155533770


Your team: San Diego Chargers
Your 2012 record: 7-9, which is actually kind of better than I remember them being. I totally thought they had gone 4-12. Either way, if you have to go 0-16 in order to purge your franchise of AJ Smith and Norv Turner for good, you do what you have to do. AJ Smith was the absolute worst.
Your coach: Mike McCoy, who could go 2-14 and blow up a church this season and still be liked by Chargers fans simply for not being Norv Turner. It's like the grace period after winning a Super Bowl. No team that fires Norv Turner has ever come to regret it. Norv was the coach of this team for six seasons, but six seasons under Norv feels like 38. You poor, poor bastards.
Anyway, McCoy comes to the Chargers after a stint in Denver in which he milked all of the Magic Jesus Powers out of Tim Tebow. He'll need to pull that trick off one more time, because his new quarterback is...
Your quarterback: Neo-Promise Keeper Philip Rivers, aka Marmalard, aka King Laserface (http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2008/12/how-the-marmalard-stole-the-afc-west.html). I watched the Chargers game last night and within three seconds of tuning in, Marmalard had already thrown a pick and was in the ref's grill with his arms outstretched in his best THE FUCK, BRO?! stance. I'd give anything for someone to post a Vine of Rivers getting redassed at his local Walmart clerk. It would be a thing of majesty. His temper is like clockwork. I want him to retire, join the Monday Night Football booth, and spend the entire broadcast yelling, "Well, that is just shit, right there. THAT IS A SHIT PLAY."
Rivers is now 31 years old. He has 26 children and no functional knees or shoulders. He is done. So very done. Every game this season will feature him turning the ball over three times in the first 57 minutes of play, then furiously racking up 200 yards in the final three minutes of a blowout to help get his fantasy score out of negative integers. His receiving options include a healthy stable of #4 wideouts and Antonio Gates' two club feet.



Why your team sucks: Keep in mind that this is an organization that was fully prepared to continue employing Medieval Barber David Chao (http://deadspin.com/the-chargers-doctor-is-a-drunk-quack-why-havent-they-466685771) as team doctor before his transgressions were made public early this year. In the face of evidence that Chao wrote illegal prescriptions, botched numerous surgeries, got arrested for DUI (twice!) and generally acted like a real life Dr. Giggles, the Chargers let him stick around until the end of JUNE, which is completely insane, legal wrangling or not. Three players on this team have already suffered season-ending injuries in camp, which suggests that the Chargers have replaced Chao with Dr. Charo, his non-union Mexican equivalent.
Despite the fact that the Chargers have finally hired a new head coach and GM, the team's deepest problems remain exactly the same. They play in a shit stadium. They are constantly on the verge of skipping town. They have a rapidly-aging QB who is one season away from the Carson Palmer tier of washed-up journeymen. And they have one of the NFL's many, many Tommy Boys for an owner. Dean Spanos, still operating in the shadow of his not-dead-yet father, acts with all the urgency of a temp nurse at an assisted living complex. He let Smith drive virtually everyone talented out of town, and now McCoy is left with one of the absolute worst rosters in the NFL.


Remember those early Norv years when people would stupidly pick the Chargers to make the Super Bowl because they were just so gosh darn talented on paper? No one's doing that this year. The offensive line is a train wreck. The best skill position player on the roster could very well be fucking Danny Woodhead. OMG FACKIN' WOODHEAD HE'S GAWT A MOTAH! The secondary is a disaster. The special teams remain historically atrocious. The two most notable names on defense are Dwight Freeney—here to cash in his golden parachute—and a slow, undersized linebacker who got busted for having a fake dead girlfriend. Having a fake dead girlfriend is a poor fit for this organization, because it generally trades in real dead (http://deadspin.com/5867720/death-is-stalking-the-1994-chargers) players. Signing with the Chargers instantly downgrades your lifespan by a solid 10 years.
By the way, San Diego has the nicest weather on Earth, and yet no one lives there. And this is because it sucks. It's the Tampa of California. Half of its population consists of Navy plebes who will accuse you of being gay within seven seconds of you walking into a local tavern. The rest of the city is populated by bodybuilders and dental hygienists. You have to work hard to make a town this lovely this uninhabitable.


Em:lolil


Everyone in San Diego is pretty excited about the fact that Norv Turner is gone, but what they're all conveniently forgetting, is that ALL OF OUR FUCKING TALENT IS GONE TOO. We wasted basically six years where we could have competed for a championship because our head coach was the before picture in an Accutane ad. We currently have almost no good players, so it doesn't matter how fucking good our new head coach or GM are, because they have dog shit to work with.
Meanwhile, we have the least mobile quarterback in the NFL, so naturally we let go of every single offensive lineman that was worth two shits. Now every fucking time Philip gets the ball he looks like a french fry being tossed in to a pit of seagulls. And let's not forget that he's the face of our franchise and he decided to use that capital to support "not fucking"(insert youtube clip of his abstinence video) and Rick Santorum. SOLID ONE-TWO TO THROW YOUR WEIGHT BEHIND, DICKHEAD. Also, fuck Ryan Matthews and fuck our dumb local announcers who keep referring to him as "The Ryan Matthews experiment." He's a shitty running back we drafted in the first round, not the Large Hadron Collider.



We've stumbled ass backwards into 2 World Series and 1 Super Bowl, and each time we were completely outmatched and summarily slaughtered. And we don't have any college sports to fall back on. But nobody cares, because our teams suck in nice weather.


Ryan Leaf over Peyton Manning.
Ryan Leaf over Peyton Manning.
Ryan Leaf over Peyton Manning.
Not only did we draft Ryan Leaf over Peyton Manning, we traded picks to get him.
There is literally no draft pick in the history of the NFL that compares to this pick. It has become the draft pick that all bad draft picks are measured against. When someone makes a horrible draft pick, for the rest of history the question is "was that pick as bad as the Ryan Leaf draft?"
And every time Peyton lifted a trophy with his horse-faced grin, it was basically just a middle finger to San Diego. Papa Manning even rubbed it in by having the Billy Baldwin of the NFL, young Eli, refuse to play in San Diego when we drafted him.
Also, our O-Line is complete garbage every season and our QB can't scramble to save his life so he throws up picks and gets sacked on almost every down.



The average Chargers fan can be summed up by this story, which took place at the Chiefs game a few years back. We had seats on the 50, about twelve rows up. Halfway through the second quarter, a 40ish divorcee and her decades younger boyfriend come stumbling into our aisle searching for their seats. The done-up harpy began screaming at me that I was in their seats, a notion that did not dissipate even when I showed her my tickets. They finally figured out that they were actually in the seats next to us, at which point she left to get more beer. The guy was wearing flip-flops, a monster fitted cap (with the sticker still on, so you know its officially licensed) and no shirt, then gives my wife the ol' fuck-eyes and starts rubbing his nipples.
Finally, they both leave before the fourth quarter. Fuck our fans.



Without a doubt the only good thing that will come from this season for Charger fans like me is the shots of the sideline not being plastered with the botched vaginoplasty known as Norv Turner's hideous neck.

:lmao

[symple19]

Also, Manti Te'o :lol

[monosylab1k]

Why are Chargers fans beating the team up for the Ryan Leaf pick? Didn't they have the #2 pick that year, meaning Manning was already taken by Indy #1? Maybe I'm forgetting something tbh

[Clipper Nation]

Why are Chargers fans beating the team up for the Ryan Leaf pick? Didn't they have the #2 pick that year, meaning Manning was already taken by Indy #1? Maybe I'm forgetting something tbh
Yes, Peyton went first overall.... where we really fucked up that year, though, was by beating the Colts that season and letting them get the #1 pick instead of us, tbh.... then again, Beathard was so retarded that he'd probably have still taken Leaf anyway...

[symple19]

Oaktown :lmao http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2013-oakland-raiders-1165681778


Your 2012 record: 4-12. I bet the people at NFL Films seriously considered doing the season highlights video using sock puppets just to spice things up. They know a lemon when they see it. In the past 10 years, the Raiders have lost 11 or more games eight times. The Tom Cable/Hue Jackson Years represent the apex of your past decade. Having fans who dress up like a third-tier ECW tag team does nothing to mask this team’s suck.
By the way, that was the team’s first full season under new management. I keep waiting for Mark Davis to pull his scalp off and reveal that his father’s brain was transplanted into his skull upon death.
Your coach: Dennis Allen. Who is he? Do we know if he’s an actual person and not simply a cardboard cutout of a stock photo placed along the sidelines in a shrewd cost-cutting maneuver? He strikes me as useless in a Pat Shurmur kind of way.
Your quarterback: (spins wheel) Oh hey, it’s millionaire Wally Pipp impersonator Matt Flynn! Flynn takes over for the departed Carson Palmer. And since the Raiders exhausted roughly five entire drafts to acquire Carson Palmer and Terrelle Pryor, Flynn’s supporting cast consists of the leftover parts of Darren McFadden plus a host of wideouts acquired from a nearby kennel.
Your one fantasy player everyone will hate: McFadden, who deserves some kind of reward for sustained non-excellence over such an extended period of time. I want all of McFadden’s decent career performances stricken from the record as a matter of principle. The day this guy logs his 250th carry of the season is the day I grow a penis out of my forehead.



Why your team sucks: If you never read Jim Trotter’s SI piece (http://insidesportsillustrated.com/2013/04/18/the-new-silver-and-black/) on how the Raiders fell into massive disrepair under Al Davis, prepare to be not-at-all shocked. This team didn’t even have a greenskeeper until a year ago. Afghanistan can be rebuilt quicker than this flaming shitwreck. No wonder they have such a terrible roster: GM Reggie McKenzie has had to spend the past year sweeping old toenails out of the attic. They have no quarterbacks. Their running corps is strictly a theoretical exercise. They lost their best wideout in the offseason, which is a terrifying thought because Darrius Heyward-Bey shouldn’t even be the best receiver on a fucking Arena League team. Josh Cribbs is now the team’s best wideout, which is bad because he doesn’t even really play wideout.
So desperate are the Raiders for good personnel that they willingly spent a first round pick on a dude who is one freak hit away from vomiting up his own aorta. They signed Charles Woodson (who, given his injury history, will likely just take road games off to rest) and he immediately became, by far, the best player on the roster. At least under Al, there was some fun to be had in the Raiders’ wretchedness. They were bad AND evil, which was mildly amusing. Now they’re the Jaguars with nicer unis. I miss Al’s overhead projector.
We did this preview last year and I said that all Raiders fans were just dipshit posers. I would like to issue a correction to that: They’re for real, all right. They aren’t pretending to be violent, horrible people. They ARE violent, horrible people. In addition to leaving the team a roster devoid of talent, Al Davis also screwed over the Raiders by catering specifically to the tiny, Tea Party-with-machetes lunatic fringe of his fanbase. The Raiders have pandered to the denizens of the Black Hole pretty much at the expense of everyone else in the stadium: women, children, people who won’t mistake your mouth for a urinal, etc. Be sure to attend Knife Night this year! You get five bucks off your ticket if you bring your knife!
Under Davis, the Raiders were PROUD to play in a stadium that looks and feels like a fucking prison, and they did virtually nothing—certainly not football-wise—to win over people who just wanted to root for a normal team and not a fucking chapter of the Sons of Anarchy. It’ll take McKenzie years and years to undo the damage, and that’s assuming he’s even good enough to do the job. He might very well not be. He might be worthless.



Omar:

We as drunk, belligerent and irrationally defensive and paranoid as Pats fans only without the success and east coast ESPN bias to make us universally insufferable as opposed to the minority we are.



Stefan:

Over the years I have punched holes in walls, threatened fraternity houses with metal pipes, backhanded fellow college students and berated girlfriends as a direct result of my football team's on the field performance. Obviously, I am a Raiders fan.
Dennis Allen makes Art Shell look engaged and then there's the money quote from the official Raiders camp trailer on Raiders.com: "We're trying to compete now." -Reggie McKenzie. No shit Reggie, no fucking shit.



Mike:

I'm a paramedic in Oakland and for home games we set up like it’s a planned MCI (Multi Casualty Incident, like a plane crash or a bombing). This is because thousands of grown men are going to drink Tecate to the point of pissing themselves and being unable able to walk down the decaying stadium steps of the Coliseum. They will also try to fight each other and fall down and get boo boos on their bald heads. Or worse yet they will scream at a child wearing a Seahawks jersey and get beat down by his dad.



Cameron:

At least training camp is in wine country.

[lefty]

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2013-green-bay-packers-1148710183

One of the better ones and just when you think the emails can't get any better....





:lol

:lol...holy shit.
:lmao Holy Shit :lmao