Why Your Team Sucks - 2014 Edition

[benefactor]

First two are out. First up, the Titans.


Your coach: Ken Whisenhunt. Yes, it was the Titans who won themselves the Great Whiz Sweepstakes of '014. Sorry, Detroit! You'll just have to make do with Other Stonefaced Retread!

You Titans fans will now get to experience the joy, in real time, of quickly realizing that Ken Whisenhunt is a horrible coach when he doesn't have Kurt Warner around to bail his ass out. In fact, both Whisenhunt and Mike Martz should tithe their career earnings to that man. You can make any coach look like a genius when you're willing to release the ball with your jaw already in the process of being broken by a defensive end.

Whisenhunt is known for acquiring young quarterbacks, picking them up, staring at them, and then putting them back down, confused as to what to do next. Remember Max Hall? Remember when Peter King fell in love with Max Hall? When Peter falls, he falls hard.


Your quarterback: Jake Locker, although saying "Jake Locker will be our quarterback" is hilariously presumptuous. It's like trying to buy a house using future Powerball earnings (the house is also built on a floodplain). Assuming Jake Locker will survive an entire season is a form of blind faith that even Christ himself winces at. You can only get jazzed about the IDEA of Jake Locker playing football. You won't actually get to SEE it. That's crazy talk.

Given that Locker has all the durability of a twice-burnt piece of toast, you'd think the Titans would have gone out and secured a quality backup, or even a challenger for the starting gig, like Josh McCown. The Titans did not do this. Instead, they brought in Clipboard Jesus, possibly the only quarterback who has played LESS football than Jake Locker over the past three years. Kings of Leon here is the Titans insurance policy against going 2-14, which means they are going 2-14.

Behind Charlie Whitehurst is draftee Zach Mettenberger, who had a diluted urine test at the combine. What a coward. DRINK YOUR URINE STRAIGHT LIKE A REAL MAN DOES, BERGER. LSU quarterbacks are fucking awful in the pros.


This entire Titans offseason was notable for its losses. Adams is gone. Mike "No Hats!" Munchak is gone. Human suspension generator Kenny Britt is gone. Cornerback Alterraun Verner is gone. And Chris Johnson is finally gone. I assume he walked to New York 2.4 yards at a time. There is nothing football fans love more than the ol' "addition by subtraction" method of building a roster. DURRRR WE GOT RID OF ALL THOSE FAMOUS GUYS NOW WE CAN FINALLY WIN SOME GAMES DURRRR .… Meanwhile, the new starting running back is … Shonn Greene? The one asshole who runs slower than Chris Johnson these days? Jesus.

It gets worse. The most notable wideout is Nate Washington. The team drafted an offensive tackle when it didn't need one. And the defense is still hot garbage. The most notable free agent signings were Shaun Phillips (ancient), Dexter McCluster (standard-issue punt returner who is terrible at everything else), and Michael Oher. I assume all the Nashville soccer moms in attendance will want to bring home a Michael Oher of their own. Look, Lurleen! I got me one of them shy, disadvantaged sports kids!:lol


I don't think Nashville citizens care all that much about the Titans anyway. You're talking about a city that makes Dallas look cultured by comparison. This is the lamest city in the South. People move to Nashville either to be poser bluesmen or to blow the local country radio station DJ to get a demo tape played. These people have better things to do than watch a terminally average NFL team. I bet Titans fans are second-class citizens in their own state. Wait a minute … you like PRO footbaw? What the Hell is wrong with yew? Down here we like real sports like college footbaw and NASCAR! Now you git the hell off mah poppity! (fires at Titans fan's feet):lol

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-tennessee-titans-1615667727

[benefactor]

Baguars.

Your 2013 record: 4-12, but with a scorching hot 4-4 finish, people. MOMENTUM. Combined record for the Jags over the past three years: 11-37. The Jaguars also had the worst point differential in football last season, making them the token team I use for any and all "could the best college team beat the shittiest NFL team?" hypotheticals. Could Florida State beat the Jaguars? SURE. Why not? Who gives a shit at this point, really?

I know the Texans had a worse record last season, but that felt like some kind of tragic accident. When the Jaguars are shitty, they put intense preparation and care into it. Their shittiness is the residue of design.


Your quarterback: AAC mack daddy Blake Bortles. Yes, while the rest of the NFL carefully deduced that this year's QB crop was wildly overvalued, the Jaguars struck a courageous blow for irrational exuberance and reached desperately for Bortles at No. 3. Why draft Bortles so high? Well, because he looks like a quarterback, doesn't he? He's so tall! And white! And … uh … tall! He's like Warren G. Harding in quarterback form.:lol

Anyway, you can hardly blame the Jaguars for throwing themselves on the first quarterback to walk into the bar. They just spent three years with Yo Gabba Gabbert. Spend that much time with Gabbert and you'll hump the first guy on the street who's over six feet tall and can complete a 15-yard out route. Bortles isn't Gabbert! By order of natural law, ANYTHING NOT GABBERT MUST BE BETTER THAN GABBERT.

By the way, Bortles is not technically the starter yet (partially because he might suck at, like, throwing!). That honor goes to plug-'n'-play button-masher Chad Henne:


"It's Chad," coach Gus Bradley said emphatically after the team's first practice last week. "We feel really good about him."

Sure you do, fella. Sure you do. I like the "emphatically" there. I want my coach 100 percent behind Chad Henne or not at all. NFL teams always do this. They draft someone high, and then they make a big show of declaring the dipshit journeyman who's already there to be the "firmly entrenched" starter, so that the coach can create some kind of illusion of being competitive right now. Then the rookie takes over in Week 3 and the process of going 4-12 is complete. Does it really help Bortles to go through all this nonsense? "You're gonna be a star here, kid. But first, you must defeat HENNE. If you can beat out Henne, you can beat out the world!" Don't patronize us, Jaguars.


What's new that sucks: Gone are the days when you drafted Maurice Jones-Drew in your fantasy league and prayed that he cobble together 1,200 yards and 10 touchdowns using little more than a discarded fountain pen and some baling wire. MJD is gone and bell-cow duties have been turned over to … Toby Gerhart? AHAHAHAHA ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING? You could compile a fumble reel of Gerhart that would last longer than shooting schedule for Boyhood. Gerhart is the kind of back who will fumble, pick up the fumble, and then fumble that fumble again. He's a fumbling master. In one game, I saw him fumble three times in a single quarter. So have fun with that, Jacksonville. Toby Gerhart. Christ.


What has always sucked: As always, it is an exercise in existential pretzel-knotting to summon any kind of feeling about the Jaguars. Apart from Bortles coming on board and the two second-round wideouts the team drafted to help him out, not much has changed with this team from a season ago. It's still owned by an Indiana Jones villain. Justin Blackmon is still suspended forever. Paul Pusluzynyzyewskizyzzyzzaxxon is still around to hurt himself. Luke Joeckel will probably get hurt just before we're all ready to officially declare him a bust. The team still sucks at drafting. Even Marcedes Lewis is still on the team because the Jaguars signed him to the worst contract ever gifted to a tight end. The new helmets still look like an alien's receding hairline. The most noticeable difference is that we have now learned that playing for the Jags will give you a stroke. As of right now, the Jaguars' main goal is to reach the competence level of the Falcons, which is so, so sad.

This city's only purpose is to stage the Georgia-Florida game. It is a temporary fairground that people decided to live in for some reason. But it COULD have a decent NFL team if the Jaguars ever managed to get their shit together, which will probably never happen. They are installing swimming pools at the stadium, which is the universal signal for "we know you're not here to watch the game." At some point, the Jags will be forced to play in the parking lot while the team sets up a miniature Ferris Wheel on the main field to get people to show up.

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-jacksonville-jaguars-1616275574

[leemajors]

Texans:

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-houston-texans-1616882079

[spurraider21]

Your backup terrible quarterback is Case Keenum. And I think we all remember the three games last season when Case Keenum Fever swept the greater Houston suburbs. Any small white backup quarterback named Case or Colt or Chase will automatically become adored by 80 percent of your local fanbase.

:lmao so true

[benefactor]

He's hit and miss on O'Brien(the players actually really like his approach and responses out of camp to the new offense and defense have been positive) but he's dead on about Houston and the fans who are actually from Houston. Like Spurs fans from SA, they are unbearable for the most part and Houston is indeed a shithole.

:lol at some of the comments though...especially this guy:

The owner is well-respected around the league and we periodically get props for running a "quality organization" which translates to "we don't take a single look at Mike Vick in the offseason and instead handed the reins to Ryan Fitzpatrick". I can't believe Peter King doesn't fawn over this team A LOT more. This team belongs in Wichita.
:lol hating on Fitzmagic but wanting Vick. Hate a bad idea but love an even worse idea. Classic Texans fan.

[DD]

I'm curious what Fitz's #'s are compared to Vick's since 2010. Seriously...they're probably pathetically close. Vick's had one good season since doggygate--maybe in the last 10 years period

[Chris]

By order of natural law, ANYTHING NOT GABBERT MUST BE BETTER THAN GABBERT. :lol

[N0 LyF3 ScRuB]

When are they going to put up Seattle?

[The Gemini Method]

When are they going to put up Seattle?

Probably 28 editions post shitty Carolina's posting tbh.

[benefactor]

Colts


But here are the Colts, pretending as if nothing is wrong. Again, I do not trust any team that so willingly blasts sunshine out of its own asshole. The GM is a liar. The owner is a shitbag. The QB is a sky ogre. The coach is a bottomless pit of empty wordplay. The run defense is putrid. And the fans are fat, entitled slobs. They are heartland fanboys, the kind of people who think Indiana is some kind of magical land where the sun rises majestically over cornfields and people get up at 5 a.m. to tend to the hard work of being REAL Americans. I've been to Indiana. It is nothing. It is Chicago's methadone clinic. The state drink is mayonnaise. The word "optional" should appear in parentheses next to it anytime it's mentioned. Rob Harvilla: " Trump's casino in Gary is likely the most depressing place I have ever been and I have lived in Ohio for more than half my life."

:lol

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-indianapolis-colts-1617529298

[benefactor]

Falcons...:lol...whole thing is greatness.

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-atlanta-falcons-1618139918

[leemajors]

Saints:

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-new-orleans-saints-1620720896

[Spur-Addict]

Probably 28 editions post shitty Carolina's posting tbh.

:lol Real shit. Some nerve after being beaten two years in a row by Seattle. :lol Newton

[benefactor]

Car:lollina:

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-carolina-panthers-1620050552

[The Gemini Method]

:lol Real shit. Some nerve after being beaten two years in a row by Seattle. :lol Newton

Haha I was close! They made the list like as the 26th entry. Shitty ass Carolina Panthers!

[Spur-Addict]

"By the way, the success of the Panthers defense last season helped mask the fact that Cam Newton turned the ball over more last season than he ever has in his career. Thankfully, the Panthers front office spent this offseason giving Cam all of the weapons and critical pass protection he needs to truly flourish. LOL JK THEY FUCKED HIM GOOD." :rollin

[Pelicans78]

"By the way, the success of the Panthers defense last season helped mask the fact that Cam Newton turned the ball over more last season than he ever has in his career. Thankfully, the Panthers front office spent this offseason giving Cam all of the weapons and critical pass protection he needs to truly flourish. LOL JK THEY FUCKED HIM GOOD." :rollin

:lol

[benefactor]

San Dieg:lol...:lmao:


What has always sucked: That stadium. The Chargers are stuck playing in a Camden softball lot until 2020, and not only are they begging San Diego for a new stadium, but they are actively working against Los Angeles in its quest for a new team because they consider L.A. to be their market, which AHAHAHAHAHA NO ONE IN LA GIVES HALF A FUCK ABOUT THE CHARGERS. L.A. people aren't stupid. If they're gonna pick a team, they aren't picking the shitty team that plays in California's answer to Sarasota. No fucking way.

No sane sports fan wants to be affiliated with San Diego because San Diego has never won anything. We always talk about Cleveland and Buffalo's travails, but San Diego is right up there in Great Runs of American Suck. They won one AFL title in 1963 but that totally doesn't count because AFL titles are stupid and pointless. The greatest moments in San Diego sports history involve the Padres sneaking into the World Series and then getting curbstomped. The Chargers blow all their talent when they have it and maximize their shittiness when they don't. They could fuck up an untoasted peanut-butter sandwich.

Their fans are equally as trashy as the stadium they don't bother to ever visit. You think of San Diego as a nice, pleasant city with gorgeous people strolling along beaches and clumsy bachelors splitting an apartment with two flirty gals under the nose of that surly Mr. Roper. Then you go to a Chargers game and it's like you stumbled into a back alley behind a Taco Bell. The most interesting people in San Diego are the people who show up in cosplay costumes every summer and they don't even live there.

This should be one of the great American cities and yet it's filled with military steakheads, old people, and Hooters waitresses. The weather is literally the only thing people who live in San Diego or have been to San Diego talk about. If natives aren't talking about how mild the weather is, they are berating you for liking Mexican food that is not from San Diego, as if they own the patent on Mexican food. Meanwhile, Mexico itself is sitting ZERO MILES AWAY. I feel like maybe Mexico has dibs on being the official home of Mexican food. It's a fantastically douchey city, which makes no sense at all. Cool people should live there, but they don't. It's just bro after bro after bro. Even Eli Manning, who is dumb as a brick, was like, "San Diego? Naw, man, that sounds boring as hell."

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-san-diego-chargers-1621505743

[spurraider21]

AFC West today :hungry:

[The Gemini Method]

LOL at the Raiders write-up and fan responses...

[benefactor]

LOL at the Raiders write-up and fan responses...

There's a guy in my fantasy league that doesn't really follow football, so he always drafts guys that were big names about 4 years ago but have clearly bottomed out. This has been the Raiders' approach to free agency every year that I've been alive

I once took the BART train the same day there was a Raiders game and a gay S&M festival. Everyone was wearing spikes, chains, and black leather. I didn't know who was going to what.
:lol

[spurraider21]

:rollin when fans inevitably throw Molotov cocktails at Matt schaub

[Robz4000]

Falcons...:lol...whole thing is greatness.

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-atlanta-falcons-1618139918


Allow me to sum up the last decade or so of Falcons football/Atlanta professional sports in general: let's say you meet a really cute girl. You start to hit it off with her and eventually you work up the nerve to ask her out. First date comes and you have a FANTASTIC time together. You get back to your place and things start heating up but just before you can seal the deal, she gives you a handjob and goes home. After that first date you're thinking "ALL RIGHT! Things are moving along pretty nicely!" You call her for a second date, things go just as well, get back to your place, aaaaaand handjob. Now you're still optimistic at this point "Hey, this girl just wants to go slow! We'll get to the good stuff soon enough!" Third, fourth, fifth date, handjob, handjob, handjob. By the sixth date you don't even want to waste your evening anymore. You know you're just gonna have another great date, let your hopes get nice and lofty again, only for them to be dashed by an uncomfortable handie. But you go anyway. You do against all of your better senses because you're hoping against all hope that for no particular reason, all of this progress you've made is going to eventually lead to something greater. But it won't. It never does. It never will.

That is what being an Atlanta Falcons fan is like: a sad, half-assed handjob.


:rollin

[Infinite_limit]

San Dieg:lol...:lmao:



http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-san-diego-chargers-1621505743
Yikes, that hits too close to home. I forwarded to all my San Diego buddies.


- The weather is literally the only thing people who live in San Diego or have been to San Diego talk about.
- It's a fantastically douchey city, which makes no sense at all. Cool people should live there, but they don't. It's just bro after bro after bro.


I think it's because many San Diegans are born raised while never travelling outside Hawaii or Las Vegas. And it being so spread out that there are many disconnected little communities. It's impossible to commute between multiple areas.

[leemajors]

Probably 28 editions post shitty Carolina's posting tbh.

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-seattle-seahawks-1625471757

[The Gemini Method]

Pretty much what I expected...funny to read these though!

[Kyle Orton]

Someone post the blackskins

[txstr1986]

Someone post the blackskins

I don't think they've done the NFC East yet

[The Gemini Method]

The Detroit one lol...

[DD]

I feel like Ferguson was a nice prelude to the resumption of our national conversation about Richard Sherman. Is he an asshole or a poet? A comedian or a THUG? Overpaid or REALLY overpaid? Regardless, I'm already sick of him and I hope his hair gets tangled up in a jet engine.

All those penalty flags you've seen this preseason? Those are for Sherman. The Seahawks won a title last year by holding on every play because they knew the refs wouldn't call EVERY hold. And so this preseason represents the NFL's effort to make sure teams stop interfering their way to a Super Bowl victory. The NFL basically just shut down Pete Carroll's entire master strategy, like the Feds shutting down an illegal derivatives-trading firm. It's back to handing out free buckets of ephedrine for you, Pete!

gotdayum

[lefty]

:lmao

Your quarterback: Eli Manning, shown here giving his mom facial cues that it's time for a diapie change …

http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--0Lw-lhTA--/vkcr7jkmidiwmn8ckqwa.png


This man was born concussed. Eli could win another 10 Super Bowls and the prevailing sentiment would still be, "THAT guy won Super Bowls?" Your brain will never be able to compute Eli Manning. God, that face of his. It's as if God himself designed the perfect punchable face. Eli is the kind of guy who probably spends an entire airplane ride staring at the back of the seat in front of him. There's nothing there. Every time I see him on the TV, I want to wave my hand in front of him to see if he can process human movement.

Eli threw 27 picks last season, more than any other QB in the league. He threw five against Seattle alone. If his last name were anything other than Manning, Ryan Nassib would currently be the Giants' starting quarterback. Instead, here the Giants are again, stuck with Eli and Coughlin. Still fucking that chicken. Even The Simpsons aren't as stale these days.

[LkrFan]

San Dieg:lol...:lmao:



http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-san-diego-chargers-1621505743

Clipper Nation :downspin: this shiiiiiiiiiiit! BAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! :rollin Romo> Rivers :rollin

[Clipper Nation]

Clipper Nation (http://www.spurstalk.com/forums/member.php?u=28500) :downspin: this shiiiiiiiiiiit! BAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! :rollin Romo> Rivers :rollin
"Clutch" pick from Romochoke to lose your playoff game upcoming :downspin:

[LkrFan]

"Clutch" pick from Romochoke to lose your playoff game upcoming :downspin:

#FINISHTHEFIGHT :cry

[unleashbaynes]

"Clutch" pick from Romochoke to lose your playoff game upcoming :downspin:

Romo is about to John Elway his career imvho.