The Lunar Goddess - since June

[Franklin]

The Lunar Goddess - since June

Since June, she's occupied my head
Can't spend a minute not thinking about her
Forever we will never be set apart
And the hardship we'll face it together

Since June, I've always prayed
I could spend my whole life time with her
The moment her hair' swallow up my chin
Our hearts will be joining together

Although the future is uncertain, my love will remain
I will stride forward like a warrior
There's no life for me that's good, if without you
So please don't ever leave me a loner

From June, my affections grew
I gradually knew and fell in love with her
Forever the luna represents my heart
And I'll strive to make our life better

To my lunar goddess, I make a promise
I'll love you for as long as the world exists
All my dreams will come true, because of you
I wish I could always hear your laughter

Next June, I always imagine
The summer when we'll be together
With your fingers touching my palm's skin
Hope that moment will last for ever, ever...

[Reck]

Was it just me or did this one felt disjointed?

You're getting lazy, son.

[Franklin]

Was it just me or did this one felt disjointed?

You're getting lazy, son.
I derived it from Beatles' "Hey Jude" and yes I admit it's a hard one. I spent about 2.5 hours writing this last night and to be quite honest I wasn't very satisfied with it either. Maybe I was just too tired or just not in the right mood, it's never an easy job to rewrite a Beatles song tbh. I think the upper half is OK but the last two verses were pretty much roughly made because I was already very sleepy while writing them, I'll try to revise them later and hope you'll like it. But most importantly, I hope LG will like it when I post it on my page this Sunday.

[Franklin]

poem revised, thanks for your advice Reck, that's why I usually post my poem here first a few days before releasing it on my social networking page where Lunar Goddess can see it. I just wanna make sure every poem I give LG to read is the best it can be made, tbh.

[Jacob1983]

I want some pics.

[Cry Havoc]

Seems like it would fit spoken word poetry. Not bad. Watch out for cliches, although that's probably tough if you're pulling from source material. :hat

Also, some of your metaphors seem unrelated to each other. Might be what Reck was referring to.

[chunticakes]

So if she gave it up would you give up your virginity?

[Jacob1983]

Who would say no to her? You'd have to be a jizz drinker to say no to her.

[Franklin]

First it was the Lunar Goddess who sent me some hints in June this year (I hadn't even talked to her much before then), for which I gave the poem this title. I had internally liked her since November last year, at one point I thought I was already eliminated. I knew the summer semester this year would be my last chance, but I just didn't know how. She always sat right behind me almost every class, which gave me a slight feeling that she still had sort of interest in me, but I didn't dare to think so strongly. I had pussy-phobia I was really afraid of being made a fool again by another girl.

Then it came to the last few days of June... she initiated a talk with me and I responded actively. July 3 was her birthday but I didn't know what kind of gift to give her, so I decided to just write a poem for her, and it was the first Lunar Goddess poem. I didn't even know then I already had a crush on her. It was Reck who made me realize I actually love her so much, and I've kept writing a Lunar Goddess poem every week since then. At first I decided I wouldn't initiate a relationship or anything until graduation, but the more poems I write the more I love/miss her. I think I just can't wait anymore, I want to buy her a gift and make it official as soon as I get the scholarship money (because it'd be very meaningful to buy her the first gift with scholarship money tbh). I want to get it done before 2015, though our relationship (even if I could succeed) won't involve any kissing or shit probably. We'll mutually keep it within the acceptable range of school life, I mean I may kiss her hands or forehead but not her lips (not to say her private spot).

[Franklin]

Seems like it would fit spoken word poetry. Not bad. Watch out for cliches, although that's probably tough if you're pulling from source material. :hat

Also, some of your metaphors seem unrelated to each other. Might be what Reck was referring to.
Thanks for your advice, bro. Maybe next time I should try adding some footnotes to explain all the metaphors. But in this exact poem I don't think I had used many metaphors tbh, and I never intended to use much metaphor since our cultures are so different from each other.

[Franklin]

And bump this thread too, and all these stupid Lunar Goddess (so-called) threads as well, mods please delete them all if you bother to.

but at least it's a moral victory for me. The whole class knew we mutually liked each other at one point, but after she got this badass job she decided to kick me away... No, I'm gonna act like a real man and walk away myself. People will have sympathy for me, and moral accusations will be borne on her head. I'm gonna stand up straight again like a fucking winner tbh.