King
11-10-2005, 12:32 PM
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
3. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
4. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
5. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
6. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 Asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.
7. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
8. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
9. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
10. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
11. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
12. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
13. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
14. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
15. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
17. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
18. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
19. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
20. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
21. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
22. Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
23. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
25. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
26. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
27. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
28. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
29. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
30. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
31. I honestly knew a kid in highschool who's grandpa knocked chuck norris out in a kickboxing-style competition.
32. Chuck Norris has special cowboy boots made that say "You been Whoop'd" backwards on the sole, so when he gives you a roundhouse to the face everyone will know that you were whoop'd.
33. Chuck Norris once killed a bear with his bare hands. Then resurrected it just so he could keep fighting it. He did this 23 times straight without water, rest or food until the bear became nothing more than fur and splinters of bone.
34. Chuck Norris is the anti-christ, satan incarnate... he came to me one night in a dream and he rides his motorcycle through the gates of hell which are located on the upper level of the Ridgemar shopping mall near Foley's.
35. Chuck Norris, who can do anything, at one time could do anything but give birth. When he realized this, he promptly ripped out the uterus of a passing woman, then through special muscle action, tore a whole in his own abdomen just by flexing his stomach, performed surgery on himself with a tacobell spork, and rudimentary sutures made from his beard hair. He now has 12 babies a day just for fun, and roundhouse kicks them at passing cars from freeway bridges. Because he's Chuck Freakin Norris.
36. Chuck Norris jumped the Grand Canyon on a unicycle, then proceeded to make the sun disappear while whistling The Star Spangled Banner out of his ass. A redneck got offended and was duly roundhoused.
37. The real reason that dinosaurs are extinct, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked them to death.
38. Chuck Norris once rounhouse kicked so fast that her reversed the direction of the planet , like in Superman one,but without breaking a sweat.
He did this just to show Superman up as a pansy.
39. While Chuck Norris Is known as the ultimate bad ass, and has accomplished all of the aforementioned feats and more, he is often challenged In his Musical ability. Upon being told that he had No Rythm or Soul, He Immidiately Pulled all his Beard hairs straight and procceded to finger pick upon them every single guitar solo ever created simultaniously while roundhousing his nay-sayer in the eye.
40. Earth actually revolves around Chuck Norris, not the sun. Due to the combination of beard mass and incredible muscular density, his gravitational pull is astounding.
41. Chuck Norris submitted a petetion of 10,000 signatures to McDonalds demanding they bring back "The McRib" sandwich. McDonalds brought it back until they realized every signature was in Norris' handwriting.
42.Chuck Norris only goes to women doctors, that way he doesnt feel like a homo during the "cough" test.
43. Chuck Norris beat the shit out of the pope just to show that he could. Every time he hit him, he asked the pope, Can you feel my divineing rod?!?! People to this day still blame him for the use of rods in the catholic church. woefully it hasnt stopped at rod. paul, billy, thomas, john, and all the other catholic school boys all have had the divine intervention, due to chucks beating of the pope and seeing if he could find the divineing rod.
44. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked his way onto the set of a Mentos commercial and demanded that the slogan be changed to "Chuck Norris...The Freshmaker"
45. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
46. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
47. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
48. Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
49. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.
50. When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
51. Kryptonite is to Superman as Canada is to Chuck Norris. He hates that place.
2. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
3. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
4. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
5. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
6. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 Asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.
7. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
8. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
9. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
10. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
11. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
12. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
13. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
14. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
15. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
17. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
18. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
19. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
20. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
21. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
22. Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
23. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
25. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
26. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
27. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
28. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
29. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
30. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
31. I honestly knew a kid in highschool who's grandpa knocked chuck norris out in a kickboxing-style competition.
32. Chuck Norris has special cowboy boots made that say "You been Whoop'd" backwards on the sole, so when he gives you a roundhouse to the face everyone will know that you were whoop'd.
33. Chuck Norris once killed a bear with his bare hands. Then resurrected it just so he could keep fighting it. He did this 23 times straight without water, rest or food until the bear became nothing more than fur and splinters of bone.
34. Chuck Norris is the anti-christ, satan incarnate... he came to me one night in a dream and he rides his motorcycle through the gates of hell which are located on the upper level of the Ridgemar shopping mall near Foley's.
35. Chuck Norris, who can do anything, at one time could do anything but give birth. When he realized this, he promptly ripped out the uterus of a passing woman, then through special muscle action, tore a whole in his own abdomen just by flexing his stomach, performed surgery on himself with a tacobell spork, and rudimentary sutures made from his beard hair. He now has 12 babies a day just for fun, and roundhouse kicks them at passing cars from freeway bridges. Because he's Chuck Freakin Norris.
36. Chuck Norris jumped the Grand Canyon on a unicycle, then proceeded to make the sun disappear while whistling The Star Spangled Banner out of his ass. A redneck got offended and was duly roundhoused.
37. The real reason that dinosaurs are extinct, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked them to death.
38. Chuck Norris once rounhouse kicked so fast that her reversed the direction of the planet , like in Superman one,but without breaking a sweat.
He did this just to show Superman up as a pansy.
39. While Chuck Norris Is known as the ultimate bad ass, and has accomplished all of the aforementioned feats and more, he is often challenged In his Musical ability. Upon being told that he had No Rythm or Soul, He Immidiately Pulled all his Beard hairs straight and procceded to finger pick upon them every single guitar solo ever created simultaniously while roundhousing his nay-sayer in the eye.
40. Earth actually revolves around Chuck Norris, not the sun. Due to the combination of beard mass and incredible muscular density, his gravitational pull is astounding.
41. Chuck Norris submitted a petetion of 10,000 signatures to McDonalds demanding they bring back "The McRib" sandwich. McDonalds brought it back until they realized every signature was in Norris' handwriting.
42.Chuck Norris only goes to women doctors, that way he doesnt feel like a homo during the "cough" test.
43. Chuck Norris beat the shit out of the pope just to show that he could. Every time he hit him, he asked the pope, Can you feel my divineing rod?!?! People to this day still blame him for the use of rods in the catholic church. woefully it hasnt stopped at rod. paul, billy, thomas, john, and all the other catholic school boys all have had the divine intervention, due to chucks beating of the pope and seeing if he could find the divineing rod.
44. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked his way onto the set of a Mentos commercial and demanded that the slogan be changed to "Chuck Norris...The Freshmaker"
45. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
46. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
47. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
48. Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
49. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.
50. When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
51. Kryptonite is to Superman as Canada is to Chuck Norris. He hates that place.