Job Application Scoffs

[Mark Celibate]

What are some of the more common marketing buzzwords on job applications that are scoff-worthy? I'm talking letting out a peak-2006 era mookie2001 CFB forum scooooffffffffffff

FYI this thread is just for humour, this is not a Jacob1983 viability-of-suicide type thread. I've been happy in my career for several years, but did get suckered into a sweatshop environment once when I was younger by falling for these catchphrases

1) "We're a family environment" - really means we expect you to show undying loyalty to the company and work 12 hour days just because Shaniqua, the front desk lady, brought in chocolate cake that one time. Also will probably guilt you over taking PTO or working from home on occasion
2) "Fast paced, exciting environment" - really means that the company is run by inept, emotional tamons (usually women) who can't plan for sh!t and want you to cover for their poor logistics by adjusting your schedule last minute
3) "Work hard, play hard" - we do a generic happy hour once in awhile to pretend like it balances out our sweatshop environment. Ironically, places I've worked that have this mantra usually end up with some of the least fun and lamest co-workers I've been around
4) "Expecting to hit the ground running with little to no training" - Obviously this applies to more entry level roles, but really means that we are inept, understaffed, and/or too lazy to invest time in training
5) "We're looking for a <insert name of field> rockstar!" - Anybody with an IQ over 90 should run at the first sight of seeing this on a job app. If not, you deserve every bit of abuse that comes your way

[Millennial_Messiah]

anything that isn't work from home is completely out. I've worked from home for 27 months and counting & will never "go back the office" and be subject to smelling filthy stinking curry-breath indians and their disgusting armpit smelling curry. Plus gas prices are too expensive for commuting. (Fuck Biden)

[TDMVPDPOY]

anything that isn't work from home is completely out. I've worked from home for 27 months and counting & will never "go back the office" and be subject to smelling filthy stinking curry-breath indians and their disgusting armpit smelling curry. Plus gas prices are too expensive for commuting. (Fuck Biden)

u notice these chimps eat their curry paste bullshit is always the same clowns taking a shit shitting up the toilet rooms

[Xevious]

I really hate that "family environment", "home away from home", "team oriented" bullshit companies try to sell. They ingrain you with that language to make you feel guilty for questioning whether you're really getting treated adequately or receiving adequate compensation.

Hospitals have been doing this to healthcare workers forever. "This is your calling." :cry "You're changing lives." :cry "You're heroes." :cry We just can't afford to pay you... and you'll need to to work OT and be on call.

[Spurminator]

2) "Fast paced, exciting environment"
3) "Work hard, play hard"
4) "Expecting to hit the ground running with little to no training"
5) "We're looking for a <insert name of field> rockstar!"

Yeah these are cringy but honestly in most cases they're just filters to dissuade lazy or unconfident people from applying. :lol Every company describes themselves as "fast paced," even the ones where you show up and do an hour of real work a day between unnecessary meetings and dicking around on the internet.

[Spurminator]

This dynamic Associate Account Director role requires a person with a do-what-it takes attitude who can wear various hats from concepting, brainstorming, evaluating creative ideas, providing strategic planning, and being the liaison between creative team and the Frito Lay team at HQ. In this role, you will be the face of the in-house creative agency who is driving the brand strategy in this super fast-paced environment. It is imperative that you are detailed-oriented, can anticipate and solve problems, build client trust, and meet stringent deadlines.

:lol

[MultiTroll]

Doughnut company is hiring people to taste test sweet treats - Daily Star (https://www.dailystar.co.uk/real-life/doughnut-company-hiring-people-taste-22249198)

[Millennial_Messiah]

u notice these chimps eat their curry paste bullshit is always the same clowns taking a shit shitting up the toilet rooms

Yep. They're not hesitant to take dumps in public, it's part of their filthy culture. And the worst part about it is the way I stay hydrated (after my May 2016 kidney stone) I usually had to go pee about 10-12 times per 8 hour shift in the office back in the day, so I had to fuckin' smell their shit about 60 times per week. All very clear and copious amounts of pee on my part, by the way. I definitely don't miss the office at all.

If I became POTUS I would deport all the immigrant visa workers from India, especially from all the "skilled" high paying white collar jobs. Those belong to U.S. Citizens (by birth) only. Stop giving our American money away, especially to hostile countries. If that causes a temporary "shortage" in such "skilled" STEM job labor, then well that's too damn bad. Force the big businesses to hire U.S. Citizen college graduates who might have a less than stellar major but they're willing to learn and be trained on the job. No more underemployment. Also, ban the fuckin' pathetic private-sector vax and/or mask mandates. If an individual wishes to get 10 booster vaxxes or wear 3 masks it's their perogative, but employers should not be allowed to discriminate based on race, color, religion or vaccination status.

[Neo.]

Yep. They're not hesitant to take dumps in public, it's part of their filthy culture. And the worst part about it is the way I stay hydrated (after my May 2016 kidney stone) I usually had to go pee about 10-12 times per 8 hour shift in the office back in the day, so I had to fuckin' smell their shit about 60 times per week. All very clear and copious amounts of pee on my part, by the way. I definitely don't miss the office at all.

If I became POTUS I would deport all the immigrant visa workers from India, especially from all the "skilled" high paying white collar jobs. Those belong to U.S. Citizens (by birth) only. Stop giving our American money away, especially to hostile countries. If that causes a temporary "shortage" in such "skilled" STEM job labor, then well that's too damn bad. Force the big businesses to hire U.S. Citizen college graduates who might have a less than stellar major but they're willing to learn and be trained on the job. No more underemployment. Also, ban the fuckin' pathetic private-sector vax and/or mask mandates. If an individual wishes to get 10 booster vaxxes or wear 3 masks it's their perogative, but employers should not be allowed to discriminate based on race, color, religion or vaccination status.

andy crying about mask mandates and curry powder, after stooping so low that he abandoned his child

[Millennial_Messiah]

andy crying about mask mandates and curry powder, after stooping so low that he abandoned his child

I don't want a female nig nog for a child, tbh

[lefty]

What are some of the more common marketing buzzwords on job applications that are scoff-worthy? I'm talking letting out a peak-2006 era mookie2001 CFB forum scooooffffffffffff

FYI this thread is just for humour, this is not a Jacob1983 viability-of-suicide type thread. I've been happy in my career for several years, but did get suckered into a sweatshop environment once when I was younger by falling for these catchphrases

1) "We're a family environment" - really means we expect you to show undying loyalty to the company and work 12 hour days just because Shaniqua, the front desk lady, brought in chocolate cake that one time. Also will probably guilt you over taking PTO or working from home on occasion
2) "Fast paced, exciting environment" - really means that the company is run by inept, emotional tamons (usually women) who can't plan for sh!t and want you to cover for their poor logistics by adjusting your schedule last minute
3) "Work hard, play hard" - we do a generic happy hour once in awhile to pretend like it balances out our sweatshop environment. Ironically, places I've worked that have this mantra usually end up with some of the least fun and lamest co-workers I've been around
4) "Expecting to hit the ground running with little to no training" - Obviously this applies to more entry level roles, but really means that we are inept, understaffed, and/or too lazy to invest time in training
5) "We're looking for a <insert name of field> rockstar!" - Anybody with an IQ over 90 should run at the first sight of seeing this on a job app. If not, you deserve every bit of abuse that comes your way
Number 5 makes me puke

WTF is that shit

[lefty]

Doughnut company is hiring people to taste test sweet treats - Daily Star (https://www.dailystar.co.uk/real-life/doughnut-company-hiring-people-taste-22249198)
332,403,650 Americans sent their resumes

[lefty]

anything that isn't work from home is completely out. I've worked from home for 27 months and counting & will never "go back the office" and be subject to smelling filthy stinking curry-breath indians and their disgusting armpit smelling curry. Plus gas prices are too expensive for commuting. (Fuck Biden)
It's really sad that it took a pandemic for (not all) employers to finally allow remote work; we have had the technology to do it for years FFS

Sure there are some jobs/roles that require working on site, due to their nature, but if all you need is your laptop and an internet connection to work 5 days a week, why force employees to show up?
Plus. employers save money by allowing WFH

I can WFH 5 days a week if I want to, but once in a while (like once every 2 weeks) I go to the office for a change of pace, it's quiet and it's a 15 minute walk from my condo

[Neo.]

I don't want a female nig nog for a child, tbh

Kori Ellis timvp Deuce

[Millennial_Messiah]

It's really sad that it took a pandemic for (not all) employers to finally allow remote work; we have had the technology to do it for years FFS

Sure there are some jobs/roles that require working on site, due to their nature, but if all you need is your laptop and an internet connection to work 5 days a week, why force employees to show up?
Plus. employers save money by allowing WFH

I can WFH 5 days a week if I want to, but once in a while (like once every 2 weeks) I go to the office for a change of pace, it's quiet and it's a 15 minute walk from my condo

100% agreed with this post. Also, fuck Elon Musk for his bullshit shenanigans. If you're building a Tesla or whatever then yeah, you have to work in person, but for IT and business analysts? Seriously? :pctoss

Also any company that requires everyone in the company, including fully work-from-home employees, to get vaxxed should have their entire executive leadership team drawn and quartered, seriously.

[Millennial_Messiah]

Kori Ellis (https://www.spurstalk.com/forums/member.php?u=6) timvp (https://www.spurstalk.com/forums/member.php?u=8) Deuce (https://www.spurstalk.com/forums/member.php?u=3542)

:lol what a fucking joke. They don't give two shits about that terminology, as people like Will Hunting have used that term for years.

[Millennial_Messiah]

332,403,650 Americans sent their resumes

Not everyone here is fat.

[Millennial_Messiah]

Number 5 makes me puke

WTF is that shit

That tends to crop up only on the more entry and junior level, low paying jobs.

[Blake]

Unlimited bonus potential

[Blake]

Not everyone here is fat.

You tell em, Frodo

[Mark Celibate]

anything that isn't work from home is completely out. I've worked from home for 27 months and counting & will never "go back the office" and be subject to smelling filthy stinking curry-breath indians and their disgusting armpit smelling curry. Plus gas prices are too expensive for commuting. (Fuck Biden)

this tbh. I work much better at home imho. Don't have to waste my time 'syncing up" all the time with 'Jason Garrett' middle manager types who bring nothing to the table and were the first ones to panic when everyone starting working from home and the time spent in useless meetings went down. Also, it's harder for the bottom feeding leeches to get ahold of me. Don't get me wrong, I like training, knowledge sharing, and all that but when you're one of the more highly specialized/skilled guys in the office you're basically never left alone and I've worked with too many people who just need their hand held over and over. When I'm WFH, I can atleast slow roll them on Teams. I'm like a 50/50 introvert/extrovert who likes doing in-person presentations and productive Engineering type whiteboard meetings. I do miss all of that in the office, but the pros definitely outweigh the cons being at home

[Millennial_Messiah]

this tbh. I work much better at home imho. Don't have to waste my time 'syncing up" all the time with 'Jason Garrett' middle manager types who bring nothing to the table and were the first ones to panic when everyone starting working from home and the time spent in useless meetings went down. Also, it's harder for the bottom feeding leeches to get ahold of me. Don't get me wrong, I like training, knowledge sharing, and all that but when you're one of the more highly specialized/skilled guys in the office you're basically never left alone and I've worked with too many people who just need their hand held over and over. When I'm WFH, I can atleast slow roll them on Teams. I'm like a 50/50 introvert/extrovert who likes doing in-person presentations and productive Engineering type whiteboard meetings. I do miss all of that in the office, but the pros definitely outweigh the cons being at home

I am very extroverted but I have a deep loathing for immigrants from India / South Asia, their smell, their xenophobia, and their awful social skills.

[pgardn]

332,403,650 Americans sent their resumes

You wanna run a race Lefty?

The longer we go the further you get beat.
Get your Canadian ass down here.
After I beat you I will still like you, I promise.

[pgardn]

I don't want a female nig nog for a child, tbh


I am very extroverted but I have a deep loathing for immigrants from India / South Asia, their smell, their xenophobia, and their awful social skills.

When you are a shitty human being...
At least you own it.

[Mark Celibate]

I am very extroverted but I have a deep loathing for immigrants from India / South Asia, their smell, their xenophobia, and their awful social skills.

what was your specialty again? thought it was somewhat similar to mine imho (cloud devops)

[DMC]

What are some of the more common marketing buzzwords on job applications that are scoff-worthy? I'm talking letting out a peak-2006 era mookie2001 CFB forum scooooffffffffffff

FYI this thread is just for humour, this is not a Jacob1983 viability-of-suicide type thread. I've been happy in my career for several years, but did get suckered into a sweatshop environment once when I was younger by falling for these catchphrases

1) "We're a family environment" - really means we expect you to show undying loyalty to the company and work 12 hour days just because Shaniqua, the front desk lady, brought in chocolate cake that one time. Also will probably guilt you over taking PTO or working from home on occasion
2) "Fast paced, exciting environment" - really means that the company is run by inept, emotional tamons (usually women) who can't plan for sh!t and want you to cover for their poor logistics by adjusting your schedule last minute
3) "Work hard, play hard" - we do a generic happy hour once in awhile to pretend like it balances out our sweatshop environment. Ironically, places I've worked that have this mantra usually end up with some of the least fun and lamest co-workers I've been around
4) "Expecting to hit the ground running with little to no training" - Obviously this applies to more entry level roles, but really means that we are inept, understaffed, and/or too lazy to invest time in training
5) "We're looking for a <insert name of field> rockstar!" - Anybody with an IQ over 90 should run at the first sight of seeing this on a job app. If not, you deserve every bit of abuse that comes your way
Most of these sound like 100% commission sales jobs where the employer has a mantra of "you find the gold, we'll share 5% of it with you".

When you have to use a sales pitch to get a resume, you're selling something they probably don't want and you have a high turnover rate, and may even be walking a fine line legally. You know when they have a PO box, just keep looking.


Here's another one - Self starter with entrepreneurial spirit! - No training, someone quit and we have made commitments you cannot possibly keep with resources we provide, so give your own time and money to make this work.

Probably marketing assholes use this lingo also because they are IRL pricks with zero real friends who only see the allure in saying certain shit for effect.

[DMC]

I am very extroverted but I have a deep loathing for immigrants from India / South Asia, their smell, their xenophobia, and their awful social skills.

I read that first as "I have a deep throating" but then saw it was more egregious

[Millennial_Messiah]

When you are a shitty human being...
At least you own it.

Dale owns that he's a "shitty human being" in the eyes of the libs too, tbh.

In neither case it is the same thing as derp who would just go on and on like someone with Asperger's and ignore what people had to tell him and accept any constructive criticism.

[Millennial_Messiah]

what was your specialty again? thought it was somewhat similar to mine imho (cloud devops)

Data Analytics and Business Analytics. Statistics, SPSS, SAS Enterprise Miner, PowerBI, Tableau, MS Excel, PPT. Business requirement documents, having an SME-level of client-specific KPIs, KSFs, business requirements, etc. Occasionally some SQL Server and Teradata SQL Assistant querying and report gathering for analytical purposes. I'm also expected to have a good understanding of data modeling concepts, like star schema (OLAP) vs. snowflake schema (traditional 3NF RDBMS OLTP). Other things that come with the job involve giving presentations and having an understanding of Agile scrum software development lifecycle, including using tools like Jira and/or Azure DevOps for project management.

I haven't written a line of actual code in about 6 years. I'm not a programmer.

As far as cloud goes, yes, I've worked with MS Azure for a few years sporadically. Mainly the SQL Data Migration Assistant point and click stuff which migrates SQL Server's to Azure SQL Studio databases.

[TimDunkem]

I am very extroverted but I have a deep loathing for immigrants from India / South Asia, their smell, their xenophobia, and their awful social skills.
As much as I'd love to disagree, you're right. Many are rude as fuck, and have short tempers that explode the moment you misspell their 40 letter long name.

[Millennial_Messiah]

As much as I'd love to disagree, you're right. Many are rude as fuck, and have short tempers that explode the moment you misspell their 40 letter long name.

100 percent. I go in with an open mind eager and interested to get to know them and more about their culture and end up disgusted by them because they treat me like shit because I'm not Indian, not part of their caste, don't speak their home language, even that I eat meat, etc. I'm never "one of them". College was the only place in life where I had larger social circles of "like" people.

Very short tempers indeed... explode and scream at you for not doing everything perfectly. Like the worst non-Indian, probably low-paying job type manager you ever had at your first job .....times ten.

[Will Hunting]

I am very extroverted but I have a deep loathing for immigrants from India / South Asia, their smell, their xenophobia, and their awful social skills.
Pajeets are fucking terrible

[Millennial_Messiah]

Pajeets are fucking terrible

They are. And the Dems (and some non-America First globalist Republicans) brought them in and want more and more of them in, H1B's, et al. Trump is the one who tried to end the H1B system before Manchuria Mitch and his manchurian bride shot him down.

[Mark Celibate]

Luckily in my immediate work environment, the pajeets I've dealt with have usually been good but most of them I see posting stuff on places like LinkedIn are practically full blown autistic. Don't even get me started on those annoying recruiting Indian fucks from places like Dice.com. Within two weeks of posting my resume on there, my voicemail was 100% full with minimum wage, contract to hire help desk jobs looking for 20 years experience. Dice was good about a decade ago, but the buzzards have been circling overhead awhile now

[Will Hunting]

They are. And the Dems (and some non-America First globalist Republicans) brought them in and want more and more of them in, H1B's, et al. Trump is the one who tried to end the H1B system before Manchuria Mitch and his manchurian bride shot him down.


Luckily in my immediate work environment, the pajeets I've dealt with have usually been good but most of them I see posting stuff on places like LinkedIn are practically full blown autistic. Don't even get me started on those annoying recruiting Indian fucks from places like Dice.com. Within two weeks of posting my resume on there, my voicemail was 100% full with minimum wage, contract to hire help desk jobs looking for 20 years experience. Dice was good about a decade ago, but the buzzards have been circling overhead awhile now
Average Pajeet

https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/933504273923309671/963610212261036082/FNRP7JKVEAAh02j.png?width=550&height=611

[Will Hunting]

Luckily in my immediate work environment, the pajeets I've dealt with have usually been good but most of them I see posting stuff on places like LinkedIn are practically full blown autistic. Don't even get me started on those annoying recruiting Indian fucks from places like Dice.com. Within two weeks of posting my resume on there, my voicemail was 100% full with minimum wage, contract to hire help desk jobs looking for 20 years experience. Dice was good about a decade ago, but the buzzards have been circling overhead awhile now
It's actually unreal that in my dealings with Pajeet women they're totally polite, normal, hard working, etc., while Pajeet men are boorish, autistic animals who lack the tiniest scintilla of self-awareness or basic manners. I can't think of another race where there's such a disparity between how the men act vs. how the women act.

[FrostKing]

LinkedIn

how useful are those Skill tests?

[Mark Celibate]

It's actually unreal that in my dealings with Pajeet women they're totally polite, normal, hard working, etc., while Pajeet men are boorish, autistic animals who lack the tiniest scintilla of self-awareness or basic manners. I can't think of another race where there's such a disparity between how the men act vs. how the women act.

also seems to be a fine line between gainfully employed Pajeets at reputable tech companies vs the ones I see on LinkedIn who are either unemployed or work at Chatterjee's mom and pop shop in Mumbai. I've had to work with various microsoft vmware products in my career, and whenever i've had to deal with their support the Pajeets are usually helpful and polite. however, these recruiters i encounter on LinkedIn or the unemployed ones you see spamming everyone's feed looking for jobs or the obnoxious, boorish, shitting in the street types. i remember in college i met some Indian guy in one of my classes who I gave out my number too (big mistake), and all he did was blow up my phone looking for answers on upcoming tests for various classes and got obnoxious when I said I didn't know :lol never offered to provide any assistance on his end for anything

[DMC]

"My name is Pajeet, I work for Microsoft Windows. You have a virus in your computer"

[Millennial_Messiah]

Luckily in my immediate work environment, the pajeets I've dealt with have usually been good but most of them I see posting stuff on places like LinkedIn are practically full blown autistic. Don't even get me started on those annoying recruiting Indian fucks from places like Dice.com. Within two weeks of posting my resume on there, my voicemail was 100% full with minimum wage, contract to hire help desk jobs looking for 20 years experience. Dice was good about a decade ago, but the buzzards have been circling overhead awhile now

Dice, monster and (to a lesser extent) Indeed are still good.

The trick is, to NEVER put your phone number. Only put your email. Your email will get bombarded but at least you can read them and for the ones that aren't attractive (i.e. >95% of them) you just delete them faster than Hillary Clinton as opposed to going through the agonizing process of listening to voicemails and deleting them or getting your phone blown up with spammy shit in any case.

[Millennial_Messiah]

also seems to be a fine line between gainfully employed Pajeets at reputable tech companies vs the ones I see on LinkedIn who are either unemployed or work at Chatterjee's mom and pop shop in Mumbai. I've had to work with various microsoft vmware products in my career, and whenever i've had to deal with their support the Pajeets are usually helpful and polite. however, these recruiters i encounter on LinkedIn or the unemployed ones you see spamming everyone's feed looking for jobs or the obnoxious, boorish, shitting in the street types. i remember in college i met some Indian guy in one of my classes who I gave out my number too (big mistake), and all he did was blow up my phone looking for answers on upcoming tests for various classes and got obnoxious when I said I didn't know :lol never offered to provide any assistance on his end for anything

I never use linkedin. I don't have my face on the internet. Hard and strict policy. Non negotiable. I've still managed to make over a mil in six years and that's with some gaps in employment so I think I'm doing it right.

[Millennial_Messiah]

It's actually unreal that in my dealings with Pajeet women they're totally polite, normal, hard working, etc., while Pajeet men are boorish, autistic animals who lack the tiniest scintilla of self-awareness or basic manners. I can't think of another race where there's such a disparity between how the men act vs. how the women act.
Oh

I've had a couple female pajeethas as managers/project leaders who were fucking manipulative and awful :lol also, as a rule they smell terribly bad, because of their diet and reluctance to use anti-perspirant and deodorant, so even the hottest supermodel looking pajeetha is undateable to the white man.

I'm currently posting from Colorado this week and it looks like they've fucking taken over Aurora as well :lol and downtown Denver is full of faggots and black dude-white chick couples. Yuck. Democrat policy at work. But the Mitch McConnell-ite and GWB type Republicans don't get a pass, either.