Ladies: Did you/will you take your husband's last name?

[easjer]

I did not. For a multitude of reasons, which bottom-line to the fact that I like my own name, and identify myself by my name. And the initials EAR didn't work for me. . .

Anyhow, I'm just curious. Most of my friends changed their names, a few hyphenated and others kept theirs. I'm not overly militant about it, if someone introduces us as the R's, I just smile and if I think I'll meet them again, gently say something like, "Well, actually, that is my husband's name, my name is S. I'm so interested that you do macrame. . ." My grandmother has been sending things to Mr and Mrs R. Which, she's an old lady, I understand, it's fine.

Most people are fine with that. But some people seem to want to start a discussion about WHY I didn't take Jason's name and just WHAT are we going to do about kids (which gathers more stares and objections - but we aren't having kids anytime soon). I mean, I just don't understand what business it is of anyone else's what I choose to do with my name or our kids (as yet unconceived) names.

Does anyone else have the same problem?

[Shelly]

Yes, I took my husband's last name, cuz it's awesome! :lol

My youngest has my maiden name as his middle name.

[CharlieMac]

I told Jess I didn't really care if she didn't take my last name. I didn't.

[jcrod]

Well, my wife didn't take my name right away. She was like you, she liked her name. I was upset about it and placed my displeasure, but after awhile i forgot about it. I think age played into it, since we were 18 when we got married.

When my daughter was born 5 yrs later and took my last name (obviously wasn't going to budge there), she then realized how childish it was to keep her last name. She wanted to have the same name as me and my daughter, since we are our own family.

[easjer]

Alas, his last name is not awesome and is always mispronounced (and frequently misspelled). And the thought of being called by my MIL's name makes me break out in a cold sweat and hives (can you tell that his family and I do not get along?).

[angel_luv]

Yes.

[easjer]

My husband did not care if I took his name. I would have considered it if he had. As for kids, we think we plan to give the girls my name and the boys his name. It's a compromise we are both happy with (since we both want our name to carry on, and his will via his four siblings but mine isn't looking likely too, since my sister changed her name and my brother is adament that he does not want children).

We talked about using my mom's maiden name, since it's died out, but he wasn't keen on it having no obvious relationship to us.


ETA: Why is it childish for the woman to keep her own name? Did you ever consider taking her name? Why not? My husband once said he kinda wished that I would take his name, but that he respected my wishes on it. So I asked him why, and it was because he thought it would be nice for a family to have the same name. I told him that was fine, and I was more than willing for him to change his name to S. He thought about it and said no. I asked why not, if that was important to him, and he said it was for the same reasons I have for not changing mine. We've always been in agreement on it.

[Shelly]

Alas, his last name is not awesome and is always mispronounced (and frequently misspelled). And the thought of being called by my MIL's name makes me break out in a cold sweat and hives (can you tell that his family and I do not get along?).

I was kidding on the awesome part. No one ever pronounces it right or spells it right and my 13 year old said it sounded gay and hitlerish :lmao (it's German). However, it's very common here in TX and people always asks if we're related to so and so.

[SpursWoman]

I did ... and still kept it after we divorced to make things easier for my kids. But if I get married again, I would definitely change it...regardless of what a PITA getting your driver's license, checks, SS card, insurances, mortgage, work email...all of my other bills .... changed. :fro :lol

[SWC Bonfire]

No one ever pronounces it right or spells it right and my 13 year old said it sounded gay and hitlerish (it's German).

Let me guess... Wunderlich? :lol

I think women not taking their husband's name sort of plays into the whole McMarriage Theory. People want increased social stature of being married, but only if it is convienent to them.

[easjer]

Let me guess... Wunderlich? :lol

I think women not taking their husband's name sort of plays into the whole McMarriage Theory. People want increased social stature of being married, but only if it is convienent to them.


What do you mean?

[Johnny Tightlips]

I ain't takin' nothin'.

[SWC Bonfire]

I would take the fact that a prospective spouse was not willing to go through the ordeal to change her name as a bad omen of how many sacrifices she would be willing to make when times got tougher or things were not going well with the relationship.

But that's just me. It is a hypothetical.

[Johnny Tightlips]

Go suck a lemon.

[NameDropper]

Rumor has it Nick wanted to change his name to "Nick Lachey Simpson" but with no pre-nuptial agreement he may get some major jack from his lovely ex.

[Johnny Tightlips]

Go suck a lemon.

[easjer]

Ok, so then, should the man's unwillingness to change HIS name be considered the same way? Personal identity is not diminished because of a marriage. If the name is part of the personal identity (it is for some, but not for others) then she should just give it up?


Right, then. I suppose it is a generous gesture on my husband's part not to insist on my name change, then, right? He's clearly sacrificing for me on that one.

A greater test of sacrifices might be in dealing with the in-laws, but I suppose that is relative.

[Johnny Tightlips]

Go suck a lemon, hippie.

[Kori Ellis]

Johnny Tightlips - you are banned. It's a stupid screen name that contributes nothing and now you are just repeating yourself over and over and ruining threads. Go log in and your regular screen name.

As for the subject at hand, I would never have considered NOT taking my husband's last name. I believe in some roles of men and women in society and marriage. And I guess, to me, taking your husband's last name is part of that.

To each is own though.

[jcrod]

Ok, so then, should the man's unwillingness to change HIS name be considered the same way? Personal identity is not diminished because of a marriage. If the name is part of the personal identity (it is for some, but not for others) then she should just give it up?


Right, then. I suppose it is a generous gesture on my husband's part not to insist on my name change, then, right? He's clearly sacrificing for me on that one.

A greater test of sacrifices might be in dealing with the in-laws, but I suppose that is relative.

No, because that's not the way it works. :lol

I'm guessing he hasn't given up on it, why else are you bringing it up? Unless you're still fighting it within yourself.

[SWC Bonfire]

Ok, so then, should the man's unwillingness to change HIS name be considered the same way?

Perhaps, if there were thousands of years of history within the instution of marriage of doing so.

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

Easjer just take it! You'll love it! I had a tough last name. Tough to pronounce, tough to spell. J-O-N-E-S <--- See what I mean?

Anyway, Mrs. Chopper had some hesitation about taking it for those reasons I think, but she has said many times how proud she is to be a Jones. There's something bonding to it.

She's had her maiden name printed with my last name on some of her graduate certificates and things like that because she is the first one from her family to get an advanced college degree. You don't have to completely abandon your maiden name just because you change yours.

I've embraced my wife's heritage and we intend to teach our son all about both families. But I am very proud she has taken my last name. It creates some extra bond to the marriage IMO. I like it better than a hyphenated name anyday, and it gives my son a solid (non-hyphenated) last name as well. Besides, who'd want the last name Sphincter-Jones anyway? That's just silly. I'm glad she didn't combine the two.

[easjer]

Thousands of years of history? In some areas, sure.

In answer to jcrod, no I'm not really fighting in myself, I've always been comfortable with it. I just got another card from my grandmother and smiled over it, and I was thinking about the subject, and was curious about it on this board, since I know where everyone stands on my other board and at work.

I hope I don't sound like a raging feminist, because I'm not. I believe to each their own, it's a personal decision. I just don't understand being attacked over my choice (not here necessarily, since I brought it up for discussion) in public.

And I really, truly don't understand why anything would think I am not a good wife or as sacrificing as my husband for not doing something he was not also willing to do.

It's partially an issue about fairness for me - why should I change my name? I'm very conservative and traditional about many things in my life, but this is one I feel strongly about. Why, in these modern times when marriage is considered an equal partnership do men not even consider taking their wives names? I don't understand it.

I guess the other side of the coin is knowing so many women who loved their maiden names and didn't want to change their names but did anyway (social pressure, pressure from their husband). I don't understand that. It's so much easier not to change names anyway. . .

[easjer]

Ed Helicopter Jones: :lol


We can't hyphenate our names (both 7 letter names ending in a-r-d). I think a big part of my reticence (apart from my own desire for my own name because I like it) comes from not wanting to be part of his family. I don't like them, they are not nice people, and I don't care to be associated with them. We are our own family. If we could have picked new names, that would have been ok.

Our marriage is more about joining our lives than our names.

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

Thousands of years of history? In some areas, sure.

In answer to jcrod, no I'm not really fighting in myself, I've always been comfortable with it. I just got another card from my grandmother and smiled over it, and I was thinking about the subject, and was curious about it on this board, since I know where everyone stands on my other board and at work.

I hope I don't sound like a raging feminist, because I'm not. I believe to each their own, it's a personal decision. I just don't understand being attacked over my choice (not here necessarily, since I brought it up for discussion) in public.

And I really, truly don't understand why anything would think I am not a good wife or as sacrificing as my husband for not doing something he was not also willing to do.

It's partially an issue about fairness for me - why should I change my name? I'm very conservative and traditional about many things in my life, but this is one I feel strongly about. Why, in these modern times when marriage is considered an equal partnership do men not even consider taking their wives names? I don't understand it.

I guess the other side of the coin is knowing so many women who loved their maiden names and didn't want to change their names but did anyway (social pressure, pressure from their husband). I don't understand that. It's so much easier not to change names anyway. . .

I think it has to be your choice and your husband's.

For me it was a huge bonding thing between my wife and I. So much, in fact, that I probably wouldn't have gotten married if the name change wasn't part of it.

Now if you've been married before I don't consider it a big deal.

[SWC Bonfire]

I guess the other side of the coin is knowing so many women who loved their maiden names and didn't want to change their names but did anyway (social pressure, pressure from their husband). I don't understand that. It's so much easier not to change names anyway. . .

Those evil, possesive men... forcing those women to get married and all... were they the Sabine Women? :lol

I just know that my surname has a great significance to me and my family, dating back to 15th century Germany/Austria, which in turn ties my family back to the time of Charlemangne, and I'll be damned if any kid of mine doesn't have it.

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

Ed Helicopter Jones: :lol


We can't hyphenate our names (both 7 letter names ending in a-r-d). I think a big part of my reticence (apart from my own desire for my own name because I like it) comes from not wanting to be part of his family. I don't like them, they are not nice people, and I don't care to be associated with them. We are our own family. If we could have picked new names, that would have been ok.

Our marriage is more about joining our lives than our names.


I posted before I read this.

Actually that does make a difference I think. I can understand not wanting to take a name from a family that you don't want to associate with.

You know easjer, when you marry someone you become a part of his family whether you want to be or not. I could have strangled my in-laws more than a few times, but I'm now attached to them whether I want to be or not. Good luck with that one. Does your husband-to-be still associate with his family?

[easjer]

I posted before I read this.

Actually that does make a difference I think. I can understand not wanting to take a name from a family that you don't want to associate with.

You know easjer, when you marry someone you become a part of his family whether you want to be or not. I could have strangled my in-laws more than a few times, but I'm now attached to them whether I want to be or not. Good luck with that one. Does your husband-to-be still associate with his family?


He does some, but not much. Right now it's mostly be telephone, and that is few and far between. Because you know, even though he now has his own separate phone, and it's one of those new fangled ones that lets you make as well as receive calls, it's his fault that they don't talk more often. Sigh.

I think they are decent enough people outside of our relationship. I don't think they burn puppies, and I think they've done a lot of good for a lot of people. I'm still willing to try to have a relationship with them, but it's very difficult when they blame me for 'turning their son/brother against them' and other nonsense. Now it's a big mess of blame and hurt on both sides, I think, that will take years to sort out. And just when you think it's getting better (they called, showed concern, asked about me by name) there is something else that makes it worse (they refused to come to our wedding).

I don't expect I would have changed my name marrying a different man though. But this? Pretty well sealed the deal.

[Phenomanul]

In hispanic culture (not really supported by U.S. naming conventions) the bride retains her maiden name...

Example:
Bride's name Ana Gomez-Ramos
Groom's name Felipe Cantu-Gonzalez

After Marriage her name would change to:
Ana Cantu-Gomez

And their children's last names would match that of the mother, i.e.
Joaquin Cantu-Gomez
Maria Cantu-Gomez
etc...

The U.S. naming system cannot tolerate such complexity... though it is really not that difficult... and besides it means that the names of people once you include a middle name are that much more unique.

As far as I know, I'm the only person in the world with my name, and it is only a combination of 4 names. Whereas if I dropped my mother's maiden name, 10-15 people exist with that name.

Trust me, this factor alone can create identity theft problems, and in the case of a friend of mine, problems with the DEA simply because they were looking for another Juan Perez (just yahoo search that name to see what I mean.... )

[Trainwreck2100]

Ok, so then, should the man's unwillingness to change HIS name be considered the same way?

There's many reasons why a man won't do that, the #1 reason being he would be the biggest pussywhipped man on the planet

[easjer]

There's many reasons why a man won't do that, the #1 reason being he would be the biggest pussywhipped man on the planet

:rolleyes


I just know that my surname has a great significance to me and my family, dating back to 15th century Germany/Austria, which in turn ties my family back to the time of Charlemangne, and I'll be damned if any kid of mine doesn't have it.

See, now that's different. If that were the case with me (which it's not) I would consider it then. But also because it's clearly important to you, which it was not for Jason. And I wouldn't stand in the way of kids having that name.

But wouldn't you consider the same for a woman who was in the same situation? Again, I'm not . . . but I guess I don't see why it shouldn't be fair.

[MannyIsGod]

My name means nothing to me, and I wouldn't care one way or another if Jess took it.

[Shelly]

I think it's easier if when you have kids if y'all have the same last name. I had a friend who's son had her last name-the father's last name (they weren't married). When she got married, she didn't take her husband's last name. In short, all 3 of them in this family have different last names. It gets confusing. Of course, with so many blended families, this can't always be the case.

Good thing my husband's not an OBGYN! :lmao

[Wifey]

I didn't keep my husbands last name. Mine is too unique and cool to change it. However, I do use his last name at work or when I meet new people. My last name is too hard for some people to pronounce so its easier to use his. Legally my last name is still the same. Its cool that way because not everyone knows my real last name---its almost a secret. :spin

My husband was not ok at first but I think he is ok with it now. Especially that I do use his name on documents that are not legally bound. So, it all works out. :princess

[gay abc]

But if I get married again

mrs. user? :lol

[SWC Bonfire]

But wouldn't you consider the same for a woman who was in the same situation? Again, I'm not . . . but I guess I don't see why it shouldn't be fair.

My sister took her husband's name.

[smeagol]

My wife has not taken my last name. I have no issue with that. I guess once the kids start school, in order to make things easer, she will.

having kids with different last names seems to be too confusing.

I like what Kori said about men and women having different roles.

[CosmicCowboy]

One of my sisters changed her name on her first marriage. She did not change it back to her maiden name after the divorce. No kids were involved. Ske then KEPT the first husbands name through two subsequent marriages...and is single again and still using the first husbands name...she did it for professional reasons as her company was "known" by her name from the first marriage but it was still kinda weird...

[tlongII]

My name means nothing to me, and I wouldn't care one way or another if Jess took it.

You're assuming of course that Jess would actually marry you.

[Oh, Gee!!]

Johnny Tightlips - you are banned. It's a stupid screen name that contributes nothing and now you are just repeating yourself over and over and ruining threads. Go log in and your regular screen name.

As for the subject at hand, I would never have considered NOT taking my husband's last name. I believe in some roles of men and women in society and marriage. And I guess, to me, taking your husband's last name is part of that.

To each is own though.

Did you change my title from Lottery Pick to Bangs Fat Chicks?

[SpursWoman]

Good thing my husband's not an OBGYN! :lmao


Why not? You'd have a house in the Dominion by now... :eyebrows :smokin

[SpursWoman]

mrs. user? :lol



Spurs666? :lol

[Kori Ellis]

Did you change my title from Lottery Pick to Bangs Fat Chicks?

No, I did not.

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

:lol Well, thanks to the good folks here I can finally see my wife for the crazy bra burning commie that she is! :lol

Actually I prefer it this way, with her keeping her name. If she had taken my name then I might feel like we were actually related and equal partners, but by keeping her maiden name it creates a certain degree of separation that allows me to view her as my property, and rightfully so.

[ShoogarBear]

http://www.teach-nology.com/web_tools/rubrics/paragraph/para3.gif

Whottt Barry . . .

Mrs. Whottt Barry . . .

Mr. and Mrs. Brent Barry . . .

Whottt and Brent Barry . . .

*siiiigh*

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

Did you change my title from Lottery Pick to Bangs Fat Chicks?

:lmao

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

Before anyone takes that post too seriously, I'm only kidding. I love my wife very much, and I really don't give a damn if she wants to keep her name. I never have to call her by anything but her first, so the impact on my life is pretty minimal.

[MannyIsGod]

You're assuming of course that Jess would actually marry you.
:lmao

Damn! Good call!

[Shelly]

http://www.teach-nology.com/web_tools/rubrics/paragraph/para3.gif

Whottt Barry . . .

Mrs. Whottt Barry . . .

Mr. and Mrs. Brent Barry . . .

Whottt and Brent Barry . . .

*siiiigh*

Oh, man...:lol

You forgot to put TLA

[Summers]

I think it's interesting a couple of the guys seem to take offense to the notion of a woman not taking a man's name when she gets married. It's a personal decision and I've known lots of women who have kept their maiden names. I took my husband's name because I wanted to... I suppose because it's traditional. But it's just a name, and it certainly doesn't make you a lesser wife if you don't want to.

Having said that, though, easjer, there were a couple things you said that I thought were interesting. First, you said you don't like his inlaws and that's a contributing factor. I'm not real fond of mine either :lol but it's like that old adage: You can't pick your relatives. If you love your husband, you accept him, warts and all (and by warts, I mean his horrible family). :) I don't really get why changing your name to theirs would make you feel any more or less like you "belong" with them or are like them. That name also belongs to the man you love. The other thing, since nobody else mentioned it, was that if you have kids, you'd give them different names. I find that odd (I don't mean that in a judgemental way). I'm probably skewed on this one because I was an only child until my mom remarried a man with lots of kids. Then I was the only one in the family with a different name. I didn't want my step-dad's name because I was my dad's kid, but I also hated being the one who didn't fit in the Smith family. I dunno... I guess I don't have a good reason, but it seems like the kids should all have the same name. (I used to know these people who took a part of each of their names and just invented a last name for their two daughters, and I hated that too :lol It seems so contrived.)

[Shelly]

Why not? You'd have a house in the Dominion by now... :eyebrows :smokin


This is true. Since I need more material things, I will ask him to switch specialties!

[easjer]

Yeah, thanks, hon. You're really helping my case.

Smooches.

[SpursWoman]

This is true. Since I need more material things, I will ask him to switch specialties!



It's only about a 2-3ft difference! :lol

[Shelly]

It's only about a 2-3ft difference! :lol

YOMANK!

:lmao

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

Yeah, thanks, hon. You're really helping my case.

Smooches.

Glad I can be of service. Just be thankful that I couldn't pull off my first plan, which was to swoop into this thread and bust some haters up while Peter Setera's "Glory of Love" played in the background. Sadly, technology still has a long way to go.

[Summers]

BTW, sorry for the thesis. :lol I get a little carried away when I post.

[Kori Ellis]

Another thing is that it causes a lot of confusion in school when the kids don't have the same last name as the parents. When I was little, I lived with my grandparents .. my last name wasn't the same as theirs. Then after my grandma died, I moved to live with one of my aunts and her husband. They took some form of legal guardianship of me but I didn't change my last name. At school it was always a big hassle when filling out paperwork including people always saying to me, "No, you have to have one of your real parents sign this" :wtf and stuff like that. Finally after years of hassle, I had my last name legally changed to their last name (Townsend -- which is what many of you know as my maiden name) when I as 14 years old.

So, I've had 3 last names so far. But I'm sticking with Ellis forever now. :makeout

[ShoogarBear]

But I'm sticking with Ellis forever now. :makeout

Unfortunately, that's not a last name. Now you just have two first names.

[SpursWoman]

Another thing is that it causes a lot of confusion in school when the kids don't have the same last name as the parents.


That's exactly why I kept mine...so I wouldn't have that much of a hassle verifying that I'm their mother ... (as if anyone else would claim them :lol).

[easjer]

Having said that, though, easjer, there were a couple things you said that I thought were interesting. First, you said you don't like his inlaws and that's a contributing factor. I'm not real fond of mine either :lol but it's like that old adage: You can't pick your relatives. If you love your husband, you accept him, warts and all (and by warts, I mean his horrible family). :) I don't really get why changing your name to theirs would make you feel any more or less like you "belong" with them or are like them. That name also belongs to the man you love. The other thing, since nobody else mentioned it, was that if you have kids, you'd give them different names. I find that odd (I don't mean that in a judgemental way). I'm probably skewed on this one because I was an only child until my mom remarried a man with lots of kids. Then I was the only one in the family with a different name. I didn't want my step-dad's name because I was my dad's kid, but I also hated being the one who didn't fit in the Smith family. I dunno... I guess I don't have a good reason, but it seems like the kids should all have the same name. (I used to know these people who took a part of each of their names and just invented a last name for their two daughters, and I hated that too :lol It seems so contrived.)

:lol I was wondering when someone would get to that . . . I know it sounds weird and we may change our minds later, but we could not reach a fair or equitable solution to kids names. We both want our kids to have our names. It's entirely possible that we'll just give them my name as a middle name. I know it's odd. I'm ok with that. I've already heard all the arguments about tachers and other kids and a sense of family, etc. I just don't really care.

As for the other . . . we are talking about four years of history that can't be contained in a single post. It's hard to lay everything out that makes me want to not be identified to them. And frankly, the arrangement as it stands does not mean that I have married into his family. They don't want me. I married my husband because I love him and the man he is, and I want to be his partner for the rest of our lives. He is nothing like his family. If he were like them in any way but name, I would not have married him. I want to be clear that my primary consideration was the fact I like my name as it is. Any other consideration was secondary. I have no contact with my in-laws right now, and we are all much happier that way. Sharing that name would be wholly uncomfortable for me, because the few people I've met that know them absolutely love them. And I do not want to hear anymore about how great they are, because they are not that way with me. It's all I can do to smile and be polite, but I do that because I love my husband.

In the future I may be part of that family, but I will not share that name. I like the name my parents gave to me.

[Old School Chic]

So, I've had 3 last names so far. But I'm sticking with Ellis forever now. :makeout

How cute... :spin

[easjer]

I know something worse though, Kori. Our friend Nikki - well, that's her name. Nikki. Nikki Dyan. Her legal name. But every document she fills out, they call her back and tell her they need her FULL name. And she misspelled Diane. Every.Single.Time.

[Old School Chic]

I personally think that If you are going through the big step of getting married to the one you love then taking his last name Is a sweet thing.
Especially, since you become one, once you say I do and been blessed.
Then again that Is just my opinion.

[Kori Ellis]

I know something worse though, Kori. Our friend Nikki - well, that's her name. Nikki. Nikki Dyan. Her legal name. But every document she fills out, they call her back and tell her they need her FULL name. And she misspelled Diane. Every.Single.Time.

My whole life, when I fill out a form for anything, more than half the time they change my first name for me to either Kari or Lori ... as if I don't know how to spell my first name. :lol

[Shelly]

My profit sharing has my name spelled Shelley. My dad once gave me a birthday card with my name spelled that way. He said he did it on purpose, but I'm not so sure. :lol

[pache100]

I know something worse though, Kori. Our friend Nikki - well, that's her name. Nikki. Nikki Dyan. Her legal name. But every document she fills out, they call her back and tell her they need her FULL name. And she misspelled Diane. Every.Single.Time.

My sister's name is spelled D-y-a-n, too. All her life, people have thought her middle name was mis-spelled. My father's name was Reb. That was his whole given first name, the one on his birth certificate; he was named after the doctor who delivered him. My third-grade teacher (who was a bitch, anyway) made me cry in class one day when we had to take all that paperwork you used to have to fill out at the beginning of the school year back. She was so cruel. In front of my whole class of about 30 students, she screamed, "Reb cannot be your father's first name! That is short for some other longer name, and you are gonna tell me what it is!" I was terminally shy back then, anyway. I nearly died on the spot. My mother straightened her out the next day, however. :blah

[Summers]

My whole life, when I fill out a form for anything, more than half the time they change my first name for me to either Kari or Lori ... as if I don't know how to spell my first name. :lol

Ugh! Me too! My name is Jenifer. Yeah, thanks Mom, for giving me the most common name ever for 6 years running, but leaving out one of the letters.

[Jekka]

My profit sharing has my name spelled Shelley. My dad once gave me a birthday card with my name spelled that way. He said he did it on purpose, but I'm not so sure. :lol

My grandmother has been called Carolyn her whole life by her parents, friends, husband, etc - then they checked her birth certificate several years ago and found out that her name was legally "Caroline". I don't think she bothered to switch it though :lol

[Cant_Be_Faded]

i would not marry a chick who did not take my name
sometimes you just gotta put your foot down and abide by the accepted standards of american society rofl

[Kori Ellis]

Easjer - It seems that you didn't take your husband's last name not for any women's lib or hippy reasons, but nearly totally just because you don't associate with his family at all and thus don't want your name associated with his family. But if it's "just a name" then I don't see why taking it would make you any more associated with them?

[easjer]

We are bound together for life.

My name doesn't change that.

Let me be clear: I respect other people's decisions on this subject.

My question has been, why can't they respect mine? I brought it up here, so that's one thing. But look at some of these responses. People seriously question my commitment to marriage because I didn't change my name? That's totally bizarre to me. Just like a white wedding doesn't mean you are a virgin, changing your name doesn't mean you have a stable marriage, and not changing it doesn't mean you are not committed.

Would you seriously walk up to someone at a party and say this kind of thing? Because it's horribly rude. If I just introduced myself, you wouldn't know until you met my husband that we have different last names. He gets a kick out of mail that refers to Mr and Mrs S.

[Kori Ellis]

i would not marry a chick who did not take my name
sometimes you just gotta put your foot down and abide by the accepted standards of american society rofl

I know a lot of guys who feel the same way. (Not about accepting American standards, but about not marrying marrying someone who wouldn't take their name).

[mookie2001]

profit sharing company

[SpursWoman]

Alas, his last name is not awesome


See, to me that would be the last of my concerns .... I'm more interested in the bonding & unity aspects of it. I'd be happy to change mine, even if it did rhyme with raviolli. :nerd :lol

[Cant_Be_Faded]

I know a lot of guys who feel the same way. (Not about accepting American standards, but about not marrying marrying someone who wouldn't take their name).


besides, no matter what someone says, it at least confuses a kid, and makes it harder on the child to learn to spell his/her name, which in turn can result in a plethora of psychological traumas, and require daily doses of paxil, or other happy pills

[Summers]

I didn't think any of the ladies' answers have been rude. But... you did ask for our opinions. When you do something that's completely non-traditional and ask for opinions, get ready to defend your decision. :)

[Cant_Be_Faded]

We are bound together for life.

My name doesn't change that.

Let me be clear: I respect other people's decisions on this subject.

My question has been, why can't they respect mine? I brought it up here, so that's one thing. But look at some of these responses. People seriously question my commitment to marriage because I didn't change my name? That's totally bizarre to me. Just like a white wedding doesn't mean you are a virgin, changing your name doesn't mean you have a stable marriage, and not changing it doesn't mean you are not committed.

Would you seriously walk up to someone at a party and say this kind of thing? Because it's horribly rude. If I just introduced myself, you wouldn't know until you met my husband that we have different last names. He gets a kick out of mail that refers to Mr and Mrs S.

I think that in the end, it comes down to
"well if its not a big deal then why don't you do it?"

[mookie2001]

yeah if it happens to be a issue about family...or realness

[Kori Ellis]

besides, no matter what someone says, it at least confuses a kid, and makes it harder on the child to learn to spell his/her name, which in turn can result in a plethora of psychological traumas, and require daily doses of paxil, or other happy pills

I don't know about it leading to medication, but I can tell you from personal experience that it's a hassle.

Kids used to always ask me, "ARE YOUR REAL PARENTS DEAD?"

[easjer]

No it wasn't for women's lib reasons. I'm not a feminist (other than hoping everyone has equal choices and is free to make them).

I said well before ever meeting my husband that I would keep my name. It means a lot to me ever since my parent's divorced. It's one of the few things we all still had in common.

I like my name. I like how it looks, I like how it sounds, I like the number of letter in it, I like my initials.

It's always been my name. It's not just a name to me. It's my name. It's a part of who I am and how I see myself. Who I am doesn't fundamentally alter because of a ring and license. Since we've been together, Jason has also been part of my identity. Caring for him and opening up to him and building a partnership are parts of my identity now. But those new things don't erase the old things. And I guess in some ways keeping my name is a link to that.

I think my in-laws have made me adament about that, dating back to about a year ago. I think the way they have treated my husband (and me) has been thoroughly despicable and painful and I want no part of them, including that. My husband's name is part of him, and him I want, and him I accept. But taking his name would associate me with them everyday. I'm not interested in that.

But again - I keep talking about this aspect of it, so I know it seems like it was the basis for the decision. It's just that I feel very strongly about it. But Jason knew three weeks after we started dating, when we first starting talking about marriage down the road and two weeks before I met his family (that I did not previously know) that I would not change my name.

[Cant_Be_Faded]

No it wasn't for women's lib reasons. I'm not a feminist (other than hoping everyone has equal choices and is free to make them).

I said well before ever meeting my husband that I would keep my name. It means a lot to me ever since my parent's divorced. It's one of the few things we all still had in common.

I like my name. I like how it looks, I like how it sounds, I like the number of letter in it, I like my initials.

It's always been my name. It's not just a name to me. It's my name. It's a part of who I am and how I see myself. Who I am doesn't fundamentally alter because of a ring and license. Since we've been together, Jason has also been part of my identity. Caring for him and opening up to him and building a partnership are parts of my identity now. But those new things don't erase the old things. And I guess in some ways keeping my name is a link to that.

I think my in-laws have made me adament about that, dating back to about a year ago. I think the way they have treated my husband (and me) has been thoroughly despicable and painful and I want no part of them, including that. My husband's name is part of him, and him I want, and him I accept. But taking his name would associate me with them everyday. I'm not interested in that.

But again - I keep talking about this aspect of it, so I know it seems like it was the basis for the decision. It's just that I feel very strongly about it. But Jason knew three weeks after we started dating, when we first starting talking about marriage down the road and two weeks before I met his family (that I did not previously know) that I would not change my name.


do you also refuse to cook and do laundry????

:lol jk but i had to say it

[Shelly]

My grandmother has been called Carolyn her whole life by her parents, friends, husband, etc - then they checked her birth certificate several years ago and found out that her name was legally "Caroline". I don't think she bothered to switch it though :lol


My grandmother's name was (and I know I am butchering the spelling) was Cujuntine. I tried to find it in Italian girls names, but alas, it's not very popular. She ended up changing it to Clara.

My mom is Josephine (which she hates), so he goes by Jo. When we lived in Luxemboug, people couldn't understand how a woman had a man's name. So they always called her Joan. Which she hated also.

[SWC Bonfire]

But Jason knew three weeks after we started dating, when we first starting talking about marriage down the road and two weeks before I met his family (that I did not previously know) that I would not change my name.

Three weeks???? :wow :lol

Well, if that's the case, if he has a problem with it it's his fault.

[easjer]

do you also refuse to cook and do laundry????

:lol jk but i had to say it


*groan* Actually my husband does much of the cooking and all of the laundry. BUT that's because we have a deal that he'll do the laundry now and I'll take it over when we get a washer and dryer. I hate carrying all that laundry and up and down the stairs. I do all the ironing though and I do cook, just not much because I'm lazy. I like to bake way more.


didn't think any of the ladies' answers have been rude. But... you did ask for our opinions. When you do something that's completely non-traditional and ask for opinions, get ready to defend your decision.

And that's fine, because I did bring it up here (though I'm totally taken aback by some of the responses. Probably because I've never thought it was that big a deal). But I get that reaction elsewhere and I don't understand it. Places where I'm not bringing it up into a huge discussion, simply introducing myself correctly, as anyone would do if they were introduced as Lisa when their name was Lori. And I don't even do that when it doesn't matter. I don't go into diatribes in front of people or demand they hear me out, simply smile and state my correct name.

I just don't understand the furor (in real life - again, here, I brought it up and am willing to discuss it).

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

do you also refuse to cook and do laundry????

:lol jk but i had to say it

Actually she doesn't refuse to but I do most of the cooking and laundry. For starters she's more or less supporting us at the moment so I'd feel like a complete fucking freeloader if I didn't. But the washing machines are a bit of a hike from our apartment, so it falls on my broad strapping shoulders to carry the laundry up and down the stairs. As for the cooking, well, I'm just a damn good cook, so that was a natural pick. But my wife can bake man. One of the great things about the holiday season is when she breaks out the Betty Crocker cookbook. Cookies, cakes, pies...tis the season for gaining 15 pounds.

[easjer]

Three weeks???? :wow :lol

Well, if that's the case, if he has a problem with it it's his fault.


:lol We didn't actually get engaged until over a year after that and didn't marry for nearly two and a half years after we got engaged. We just knew that early on that this was going somewhere. We clicked pretty early on. It helped that we'd been good friends for about six months before we started dating.

[easjer]

Actually she doesn't refuse to but I do most of the cooking and laundry. For starters she's more or less supporting us at the moment so I'd feel like a complete fucking freeloader if I didn't. But the washing machines are a bit of a hike from our apartment, so it falls on my broad strapping shoulders to carry the laundry up and down the stairs. As for the cooking, well, I'm just a damn good cook, so that was a natural pick. But my wife can bake man. One of the great things about the holiday season is when she breaks out the Betty Crocker cookbook. Cookies, cakes, pies...tis the season for gaining 15 pounds.


:lol That reminds me - I need to make fudge and toffee for the office this week. Don't let me forget when we go to the store to pick this stuff up.

[easjer]

My grandmother's name was (and I know I am butchering the spelling) was Cujuntine. I tried to find it in Italian girls names, but alas, it's not very popular. She ended up changing it to Clara.

My mom is Josephine (which she hates), so he goes by Jo. When we lived in Luxemboug, people couldn't understand how a woman had a man's name. So they always called her Joan. Which she hated also.


My mom's maiden name was Italian (butchered by immigration officials) - Varmo Marmo-lada (you see why Jason won't give this last name to our kids? It doesn't exist anywhere anymore; when my cousin was born my uncle had the name officially shortened to Varmo).

[Shelly]

My mom's maiden name was Italian (butchered by immigration officials) - Varmo Marmo-lada (you see why Jason won't give this last name to our kids? It doesn't exist anywhere anymore; when my cousin was born my uncle had the name officially shortened to Varmo).


My mom's maiden name is Coccia (pronounced Coacha). No one knew how to pronounce it. It was usually Coseeuh

[easjer]

I beg your pardon?

Don't be WHAT kind of woman, exactly? Independent? Free to make my own choices?

I am disgusted by your post. It's not a knock on a man what his partner chooses to do, and if you think it is, you are sadly mistaken about what a relationship between a man and a woman should be.

[iminlakerland]

I actually really love my last name so i wouldnt want to change it especially since it seems like my brother and his wife have chosen never to have kids, i want my last name to continue. But if i did choose to keep it, i would definately hyphenate it, i got a hyphen in my first name and why not have a hyphen in my last lol :)

[kris]

I beg your pardon?

Don't be WHAT kind of woman, exactly? Independent? Free to make my own choices?

I am disgusted by your post. It's not a knock on a man what his partner chooses to do, and if you think it is, you are sadly mistaken about what a relationship between a man and a woman should be.

See, this is exactly why girls always want guy friends and why guys need to hang with guys for down time. Girls just aren't cool enough. They just don't get it.

[easjer]

See, this is exactly why girls always want guy friends and why guys need to hang with guys for down time. Girls just aren't cool enough. They just don't get it.


Oh, I see now. You are just an idiot. :rolleyes

[iminlakerland]

Oh, I see now. You are just an idiot. :rolleyes

wow... :depressed

[easjer]

You are right. I am pretty angry about what you said and I don't get very angry about stuff on an internet message board very often.

It's rude, insensitive and misogynist. I don't know you, so I'll let it go pretty quickly. But you are absolutely right. Clearly, you wanted to press my buttons.

Congratulations, you succeeded.

[tekdragon]

I would have been hurt if my wife didn't take my name, I can definitely say that. And I don't particularly like my name, but it was important to me. I don't know if it would have been a deal-breaker, but it was definitely important.

I have an aunt who didn't take her husband's name, and it just seemed disrespectful to me. But that's just me. Maybe I'm into tradition. I dunno. I know I would have been way hurt, though.

If the traditions of marriage aren't important to you, and all that counts is the relationship itself, than what's the point of getting married? Isn't the concept of marriage all about the cultural traditions of pledging your lives to one another? The tradition of changing your name is no different from the tradition of saying "I do" or the tradition of wearing a wedding ring...You could have just as easily said you don't want to wear a ring, for whatever reasons you deem important. Would he have also been ok with that?

[Parkersgirl9]

I plan to take my boyfriends one day.

[easjer]

If the traditions of marriage aren't important to you, and all that counts is the relationship itself, than what's the point of getting married? Isn't the concept of marriage all about the cultural traditions of pledging your lives to one another? The tradition of changing your name is no different from the tradition of saying "I do" or the tradition of wearing a wedding ring...You could have just as easily said you don't want to wear a ring, for whatever reasons you deem important. Would he have also been ok with that?


The point of getting married was more religious than anything. The relationship is the most important thing. It had little to do with culture. Even religious culture. Our faith is among the most important thing to us. In that faith, we are urged to marry so that we can experience one of the mysteries of the faith (Christ's relationship with his church). That has to be done through marriage. If we didn't have that faith, I probably still would have wanted to get married. Wearing a ring is my idea. I would assume my husband would not care if I didn't wear my rings. I know that he was free to choose whether or not he wanted to wear a ring.

And I think there is a significant difference between the tradition of taking a new name (which came about via a patriarchal society in the Middle Ages) and a religious committment.

Again, I'm a little lost as to how changing my name is a reflection on my committment to my marriage or the stability of my marriage.

[timvp]

Honestly, if Kori wouldn't have taken my last name I don't think I would have married her. Harsh, yes, but I love my last name. I don't love it for any historical reasons, I just think it's the best last name out there.

[Kori Ellis]

Again, I'm a little lost as to how changing my name is a reflection on my committment to my marriage or the stability of my marriage.

It doesn't. Unless it's important to your husband. If it's important to your husband and it 'hurts' him, then it is a reflection of your commitment if you refused to change it.

For example, if I hated my husband's family and really liked my maiden name like you do. And then LJ said, well I really want you to take my last name and I didn't want to do so. Then I think insisting on not changing it would reflect on my commitment to him as his wife. Because as we all know, it's my duty as his wife to obey his wishes. :angel

[easjer]

Except that Jason never asked me to change my name. As he's stated, he doesn't care.

So why does everyone else (not here, since I brought it up).

[Kori Ellis]

Except that Jason never asked me to change my name. As he's stated, he doesn't care.

So why does everyone else (not here, since I brought it up).

Because people are judgemental.

No one can judge anyone else's relationship or circumstances because they haven't "walked a mile in their shoes" but everyone does it anyway. It's human nature.

But it shouldn't bother you. If you are confident in your decision and Jason is happy, more power to you.

Though I'm still warning you, it will be a hassle for your kids.

[timvp]

Except that Jason never asked me to change my name. As he's stated, he doesn't care.

So why does everyone else (not here, since I brought it up).

If he's cool with it, then it's cool. Maybe he just has a bad last name :)

[tlongII]

It doesn't. Unless it's important to your husband. If it's important to your husband and it 'hurts' him, then it is a reflection of your commitment if you refused to change it.

For example, I hated my husband's family and really liked my maiden name like you do. And then LJ said, well I really want you to take my last name and I didn't want to do so. Then I think insisting on not changing it would reflect on my commitment to him as his wife. Because as we all know, it's my duty as his wife to obey his wishes. :angel


I didn't know you hated your husband's family?! :wow

[Kori Ellis]

:lol Thanks for deleting my "if".

[SequSpur]

Husband's last name is required, if you don't want it, then don't get married.

[ShoogarBear]

Husband's last name is required, if you don't want it, then don't get married.

It takes a strong woman to agree to be Lorie Loompah.

[TurnNiggazDreams2Flames]

SWEET. Tightlips was banned!

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

It takes a strong woman to agree to be Lorie Loompah.

:lmao Nice!

[bowlephant]

I think it is odd that this is coming up. The guy I am currently with does not care if I take his name or not. When I heard that I thought that was the weirdest thing ever. I had never thought about NOT taking the guy's name. I definitely wouldn't hyphonate my name. That would just make my name way too long. I would most definitly take my husband's name. I guess I don't see anything wrong with NOT taking his name...I just know that when I get married...I will be taking the man's name. I think the reasoning behind that is because that is what has always been done and I see no reason to change that.

[MannyIsGod]

:lmao

I just read "Loompah" for the 3rd time today and still laughed.

[KEDA]

It takes a strong woman to agree to be Lorie Loompah.


better than Lorie of the Lollipop Guild!

[easjer]

The whole thing is just so bizarre to me. The last name is NOT required. Not by law, not by my husband, not by my religion. And it has nothing to do with making a life-long committment.

I mean, custom, sure. But what is so surprising to me is that it's mostly men who have the problem with it here. That's also strange to me. From just a fairness standpoint.

Oh well.

[ZStomp]

I did ... and still kept it after we divorced to make things easier for my kids. But if I get married again, I would definitely change it...regardless of what a PITA getting your driver's license, checks, SS card, insurances, mortgage, work email...all of my other bills .... changed. :fro :lol


Will it read Spurswoman Useruser666??

[SpursWoman]

:angel

[ZStomp]

:elephant

[Carie]

My last name meant nothing to me so I had no problems getting rid of it. Didn't use it as my middle name, scratched it altogether. Plus, John has a really cool and pretty unique last name...here in the states anyway. I'm sure in Pakistan it would be like 'Smith' or something. But, I am the only person in the world with this name, so that's pretty cool. And if we meet someone with the same last name here, we can mostly assume we're related.

I do understand what you're saying about it going both ways. What if your name has a lot of history about it and means the world to you, and your husband doesn't feel the same way about his? Would it be wrong of him not to switch?

A question for you though. You're going to give your name to your daughter's because you want it to be carried on. But what if they want to change their last names when they get married?

[easjer]

A question for you though. You're going to give your name to your daughter's because you want it to be carried on. But what if they want to change their last names when they get married?


Aha. That would be just fine with me. Because it will be their choice to switch their names or not. I don't care if people choose to do it - as long as they realize they have a choice. I mean, I can't deny my daughters the same right I have. Would I be secretly pleased if they choose to keep the same name I have? Absolutely. Would I be upset if they changed? Nope, not at all. The name will at least be given the opportunity to be carried on, which is what I want most.

[MiNuS]

in my area of the world the wives leave their maiden name and then add the husbands
last name at the end.

Por ejemplo,if Tony Parker and Eva Longoria were to get married. Eva would be
Eva Longoria-Parker or Eva Longoria de Parker. In Mexico "de" is always used.

ex:Sofia Vergara de Montemayor

[Phenomanul]

in my area of the world the wives leave their maiden name and then add the husbands
last name at the end.

Por ejemplo,if Tony Parker and Eva Longoria were to get married. Eva would be
Eva Longoria-Parker or Eva Longoria de Parker. In Mexico "de" is always used.

ex:Sofia Vergara de Montemayor


Not necessarily, of late people are just using the good old hyphen....

[kris]

:blah

[furry_spurry]

Missed this the first time.

I found this statement rather ironic:

I said well before ever meeting my husband that I would keep my name. It means a lot to me ever since my parent's divorced. It's one of the few things we all still had in common.

Yet you want to deny your OWN children that very same thing- by having not only two different surnames for you and your spouse, but even different last names for the boys and the girls.

BTW: When you say MY name- is that your dad's name?

As for me- I followed a traditional route that very few seem to follow now- my maiden name became my middle name, and it says so on all my legal documents. I sign my full name-- no hyphens or anything.

[JoeChalupa]

I'm old fashioned and like parents and kids to have the same last names but in today's world that is becoming more and more uncommon.
We changed our oldest daughter's last name to mine so that she and her sister would have the same last name. But to each his own.

[angel_luv]

I want to take on my husband's last name. That it is important to me.

I also want my new name to sound nice, so I'll take care to fall in love with a man who has a great last name. :)

[mcornelio]

I want to take on my husband's last name. That it is important to me.

I also want my new name to sound nice, so I'll take care to fall in love with a man who has a great last name. like NESTEROVIC

[leemajors]

I want to take on my husband's last name. That it is important to me.

I also want my new name to sound nice, so I'll take care to fall in love with a man who has a great last name. :)

for some reason i see that not working out the way you want it to.

[CuckingFunt]

Think it depends on the potential future husband and his feelings on it. I like my name, and would prefer to keep it, but if the change was really important to him I'd do it.

[DisgruntledLionFan#54,927]

I don't think I'd mind if my future wife decided to keep her name.

However, I'll be damned if my kids have different last names.

[CuckingFunt]

The decision on kids names doesn't matter to me, since I shant be having any.

Ever.

[DisgruntledLionFan#54,927]

Well, I ain't getting married anytime soon, either. :lol

Moot.

[PAWW]

I took my husband's name mainly because I liked it more than mine, it really didn't matter to him and I don't think it really does matter anymore unless they're old fashioned. As far as the kids if you decide to keep your name, you could give the kids both names or if you have more than one you could give 1 yours and 1 your husband's. That's what my sister did, 2 of her boys have their dad's name and the other boy and the girl have hers. I think this is only a major issue if you're the only child, and concerned about continuing the family name.

[J.T.]

My last name is Ghrist (pronounced like "wrist" with a G), and it has a long history of being mispronounced. Ironically my first semester in college, it was at a community college and all 5 of my professors got it right, I was shocked. In any case, sometimes I joke and say that I'm a distant relative of Christ and changed the first letter and pronounciation so people would stop asking me if I can turn water into wine. That doesn't get many laughs anymore...

When I get married I hope my wife takes my name. I'm very proud of my family and my name (and I don't think she would have any reason to dislike my family or the name). I agree with what Kori said on the first or second page of this though. I don't see the prospect of keeping our names as an option, just because taking the man's name is so commonplace. But if the future Mrs. JT objects I suspect we'll have a nice talk about it together.

[2centsworth]

If your wife doesn't take your last name how are people going to know she's yours?

[j-6]

We had a discussion about the gf changing her last name a couple of weeks ago. She likes her name and is an only child, and both of her parents were only children too. She wants to keep it and I really don't care too much about the issue in general. The quote she served up was something along the lines of, "It's a stupid tradition and there's no law saying we have to."

I wasn't awarded any nookie coupons when I told her she could be talking about her beloved institution of marriage.

[leemajors]

The decision on kids names doesn't matter to me, since I shant be having any.

Ever.

that's what i said for the longest time. things change. :lol

[katyon6th]

She likes her name and is an only child, and both of her parents were only children too.

That's a good reason to keep your name. I have 4 brothers, though. So, that reason wouldn't work for me.

[furry_spurry]

Question: What if your children get older and want the same last name?

[THE SIXTH MAN]

If and when I get married Id like the misses to take my name. I figure when you marry some one your no longer an individual. So to me it makes sense to have the same last name.

[CuckingFunt]

If and when I get married Id like the misses to take my name. I figure when you marry some one your no longer an individual. So to me it makes sense to have the same last name.
:wow

If that's a widely shared opinion, I've just gained a better understanding for why I'm not yet married.

[Melmart1]

I would gladly take my husband's last name, it just doesn't matter much to me. But when I go out with a man for the first time, I have found it quite amusing during small talk to tell him 'yeah, when I get married, my husband is going to take MY last name'. The reactions have ranged from storming out of the restaurant to stammering to getting a good laugh (the intended response). It's a good barometer of his sense of humor.

I joke with my best friend all the time that if I could just beat him into submission on the last name thing that he would make the perfect Mr. Martinez. Alas, he is too stubborn so I gotta look elsewhere.

PS- to CuckingFunt- not sure how old you are but I used to say the same thing you did. In fact my ex who I was thisclose to marrying was going to have a vasectomy and the closer he got to it, the real feelings started to come out and I tried to talk him out of it. When he didnt relent, we broke up. You may be surprised how your feelings on this change. I will be 30 this year and find myself wanting kids, though I spent the better part of my adult life swearing them off. I dont want to get hitched and pregnant tomorrow or even this year but I definitely want it in my future now. If you had told me this even three years ago I would have laughed in your face. Funny how these things happen.

[CuckingFunt]

PS- to CuckingFunt- not sure how old you are but I used to say the same thing you did. In fact my ex who I was thisclose to marrying was going to have a vasectomy and the closer he got to it, the real feelings started to come out and I tried to talk him out of it. When he didnt relent, we broke up. You may be surprised how your feelings on this change. I will be 30 this year and find myself wanting kids, though I spent the better part of my adult life swearing them off. I dont want to get hitched and pregnant tomorrow or even this year but I definitely want it in my future now. If you had told me this even three years ago I would have laughed in your face. Funny how these things happen.
I'm 28. And totally open to the fact that my feelings on the subject may change in the future.

But I sincerely doubt it.

I'm too selfish. And not at all maternal (well, except towards my friends, then I become the mother hen of the group). And the idea of pregnancy, in general, makes me physically ill.

[Bob Lanier]

My wife hyphenated hers, much to the disdain of her father, as her name actually had a certain amount of prestige. She's kept it hyphenated after the divorce for professional reasons.

It doesn't matter to me in the slightest, but now that I think about things, it seems like a strange custom (perhaps that's because I don't deal with the Western patriarchal naming system all that frequently anymore), and if I were to marry again I'd prefer that my wife kept her previous identity. I'm too old to consider kids (have always hated them anyway), but if my hypothetical partner and I conceived I'm sure an equitable solution could be found.

[2Blonde]

Okay, I'm too lazy to go back and see if I posted in this thread the first time so here goes my take... 1st husband insisted I take his name and totally forget about maiden name. Done. Then when we divorced he put it in the divorce agreement that I had to take back my maiden name. He didn't want me walking around with his name, even though I already knew I was going to be getting remarried soon. So I had to change back to my maiden name. Then 2 months after my divorce was finalized I got remarried. This time I kept my maiden name as my second middle name and added my new husband's name on the end. I didn't want to go through the hassle of having to reestablish my identity again under my maiden name if things didn't work out. Luckily though, things have worked out great for almost nine years so far and I find myself including my maiden name on documents far less than I used to. Probably because I feel more secure.
My biggest problem is that my daughter and I have different last names and this bothers both of us. She would like to add my last name to hers but I am sure my ex would throw a fit. Also I can't stand it when someone from the school or a doctor's office will call and ask to speak to Mrs. ex-husband's last name.:rolleyes

[turambar85]

Question:

I have not been around for the entire thread, and don't want to read the entire thing just to see if somebody answered this question properly.

For the women who feel they have to change their names, and the men who demand it of them, why?

I would love to hear your reasons for believing it to be a necessity. I am truly curious about this.

I am getting married in June, and my fiancee is taking my name, but only after she lost a coin toss for the last name rights...she wanted to take mine, I wanted to be nice and take here, and we ended with my name. But, I would have been fine had I lost, it is of no importance to me, at least in my eyes....it would have been tiring explaining it my entire life, but that would have been interesting anyway.

Let me know, Im dying to hear the reasons you remain stuck in tradition...I hope it is not mindless tradition.

[Darrin]

For the women who feel they have to change their names, and the men who demand it of them, why?

The institute of marriage is the contractual exchange of goods. It is, historically, a very sexist institution. Asking the parents for their daughter's hand. Mothers happy their daughters can finally fulfill their purpose on the planet - to be a mother and homemaker. Dowries. White dresses. And the name goes right along with that. It is simply to reflect who's property the woman belonged to - her father or the husband. It's similar to branding a herd of cattle.

It has nothing to do with love or commitment or celebration. It's a traditional exchange of goods. It would be just as easy to have the same trappings of a wedding - the party, the celebration, the commitment - without the marriage certificate and the rings.

I reject the notion that people have to be within the bonds of marriage to start a family and commit to be together for life. But if we're going through with this traditional ceremony, we're doing it all.

Why not take her name?

Because the most common argument is that it makes her subserviant to me. My belief is that it stops simply being a last name and becomes the name of our family. From that day forward people will call us as a couple. Our children will bear that name. It does curb both of us of our independence, and therefore change who we are. No one can make a decision that big and not limit their options for the rest of their lives. A name sure as hell isn't going to change that.

I don't care what that name is. But if she thinks it makes her subserviant, why would I volunteer to take her name? I think we should be on equal footing.

I consider myself enlightened. I will scream and hollar about the role of women in the workplace and how our sex lives are judged. I will challenge anyone who believes a role to be too masculine or too feminine for the opposite sex to participate. I will lose respect for people who assume a sexual preference from such a stereotype. As I have said before, marriage is not my favorite institution.

But if we agree to do this, let's do it. If it means something different to us even though it includes the same trappings as when it was sexist, why draw the line here? What does it matter?

[Gatita]

I will keep both. Use my last name as my middle name.

[angel_luv]

I want to take on my husband's last name. That it is important to me.

I also want my new name to sound nice, so I'll take care to fall in love with a man who has a great last name. like NESTEROVIC

Nice fix. :)

Pretty!

[tlongII]

Women should take the last name of their husband to show respect and demonstrate their subservience to the man.

[CosmicCowboy]

I have a sister that ditched her maiden name and then kept her first husbands last name through two more marriages...she had started her business and was professionally known by that name...at least thats what she told #2 and #3...I think she just liked the sound of the name better than theirs or going back to her maiden name...LOL

[2Blonde]

I have a sister that ditched her maiden name and then kept her first husbands last name through two more marriages...she had started her business and was professionally known by that name...at least thats what she told #2 and #3...I think she just liked the sound of the name better than theirs or going back to her maiden name...LOL
My mom & dad got divorced when I was 2 and she kept his name so that all of us girls would have the same last name. Then when she remarried 20 years later She continued use that name professionally since it was what she was known by. Her 2nd husband didn't mind. She only used his last name socially.

[CosmicCowboy]

My mom & dad got divorced when I was 2 and she kept his name so that all of us girls would have the same last name. Then when she remarried 20 years later She continued use that name professionally since it was what she was known by. Her 2nd husband didn't mind. She only used his last name socially.

yeah...in my sisters case there were no kids involved, but I can certainly understand it in that case...

And to answer the original question, I wouldn't have minded if my SO had kept her maiden name.

[turambar85]

I have had a few arguments with people in my family on this issue, and just for the sake of making a point, and throwing my fiancee a bone, I may just take her name when we get married.

Michael Ball, has a ring to it.

Any thoughts? Just to make things easier on you, I expect to be called a pussy, whipped, etc...so if you want to do any good I better get some reasons.

[Lady Marmalade]

I want to take my boyfriends name. I love my first and middle names together so I wouldn't drop my middle name and use my last name as a middle name. I want to take his last name one because it's unique. Which my last name is too but I like his better, he's an E and I'm a W. So I get to jump all those letters in the ABCs. In addition, I like the way his last name sounds with my name. Furthermore, there is no way I am going to hyphenate 8 and 9 letter last names. That would be torture for anyone calling me or sending me letters and most importantly for me to sign.

[ObiwanGinobili]

I took Emo's last name. We are our own family unit now and should share a name.
I took his since it was cooler than mine. If his name sounded weird with my 1st name than we may have just picked out a new name. Emo likes "falcon" ... thankgoodness we didn;t have to go that route.

But when we got married we were leaving our parents houses and making our own house together - we were becoming one flesh. So we should be united by one name.

[katyon6th]

But when we got married we were leaving our parents houses and making our own house together - we were becoming one flesh. So we should be united by one name.

That sounds creepy.

[Squid]

Marriage in general is a little creepy.

[sickdsm]

I didn't read the whole thing but i'd be very intersted to see divorce rates for woment that kept there first name or hyphenated it versus women that changed it.

I'd be willing to bet money that its higher since one of the main reaasons for doing so is a want to still be independent and known for you versus being known as a couple or better yet, one.

[Bob Lanier]

There's nothing wrong about divorce. But given that in your country divorce rates are generally higher in the more socially conservative areas where women would presumably be more likely to have their names changed, I'd take that bet.

There's no contradiction between independence and being a couple - none at all. Trying to trap two people in an absolutely codependent relationship (i.e., "one") is, in my experience, in the majority of cases a very unhealthy idea even if it appeals to their sense of archaic romanticism.

But all of that's getting a little far afield. Sometimes a name is just a name, and having it changed for whatever reason is harmless - as is not going to the trouble.

[sickdsm]

There's nothing wrong about divorce. But given that in your country divorce rates are generally higher in the more socially conservative areas where women would presumably be more likely to have their names changed, I'd take that bet.

There's no contradiction between independence and being a couple - none at all. Trying to trap two people in an absolutely codependent relationship (i.e., "one") is, in my experience, in the majority of cases a very unhealthy idea even if it appeals to their sense of archaic romanticism.

But all of that's getting a little far afield. Sometimes a name is just a name, and having it changed for whatever reason is harmless - as is not going to the trouble.



nothing wrong with divorce? thats a rather lone opinion.


Crime, drug use, poverty call all be tied to divorce.

[Bob Lanier]

I very much doubt both of those assertions. As for "wrong", marriage - particularly the idealized version you seem to support - is a very unreasonable type of contract for the majority of people, and the divorce rates in just about every free country would tend not to support your view of my 'loneliness', the disingenuous religious rhetoric some of them might spout notwithstanding.

[judaspriestess]

No I will not but I am open to hyphenating my last name with his

[Das Texan]

if my wife whenever i get one doesnt take my last name i will be annoyed and will probably find a way to get back at her as a result of it.


if she wants to use her maiden name for business and professional purposes fine.

for personal business, its not.


my two cents.

[sickdsm]

I very much doubt both of those assertions. As for "wrong", marriage - particularly the idealized version you seem to support - is a very unreasonable type of contract for the majority of people, and the divorce rates in just about every free country would tend not to support your view of my 'loneliness', the disingenuous religious rhetoric some of them might spout notwithstanding.


Ahhhh, take a poll of how people feel when they get divorced and i think you'll be surprised. What's the point of getting married if divorce isn't a failure? Tax purposes? Fuck buddies? If its so 'unreasonable', people wouldn't do it. Very few people go into a marriage with the goal of divorcing so yes, it is a failure.


What do the divorce rates have to do with being a failure when comparing countries?


If the murder rate is less in Bigarda then Relichar, and Bigarda is a free country and Relichar is an oppressed dictatorship, does that mean that murder is not bad or good? Does it mean ANYTHING about the views on murder itself, not in containing or elemintating homicides but the views on it.


No.


If 76 % of murderer's are incoming call center employee's, that would lead us to believe theres a problem there, but countries leave us with policies, not personalities.