THE X-FACTOR
01-02-2006, 11:06 PM
Just look what's in store for 2006 (http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/5214820)
Mike Kahn / Special to FOXSports.com
Rather than go into the delicate and indelicate details over what has or hasn't happened over the past week in the NBA between Christmas and New Year's Day 2006, it just seemed prudent to take a look at what we will see in the coming year in and around the Association.
Some of it will become fact. Some of it will remain fantasy. Most of all, think about it because once we start taking ourselves too seriously around this game, it makes all of us hopeless.
1. Item: Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant will return from his two-game suspension for his heinous shot at Memphis swingman Mike Miller ... even if the equal parts talented and delusional Bryant still has no idea that he is just as accountable for his actions as the rest of us mere mortals.
What this really means: At some point, in some arena, during some inexplicable moment in unadulterated rage, Bryant will spontaneously explode into the rafters and come down through the basket, with ball held in both hands above his head. Because of the speed and momentum from the fall during the now famous Bryant Fullbody Slam (heretofore known as BFS), he will continue through the floor. He isn't found until Christmas 2006, when he is located in a Jacuzzi at a Breckinridge, Colo. resort with amnesia. Lakers coach Phil Jackson will declare it an unusual move out of the triangle offense, but blames himself for giving Bryant a science fiction thriller to read during the previous road trip. In a related story, New Jersey Nets star Vince Carter breaks his right leg and tears ligaments in both knees trying to duplicate the BFS.
2. Item: Mercurial forward Ron Artest and Jeff Foster are traded by the Indiana Pacers to the Golden State Warriors in exchange for Mickael Pietrus, a protected first-round draft choice and Adonal Foyle.
What this really means: The Warriors start off by winning four in a row, but then Artest decides to stop traffic on the Bay Bridge one afternoon to cut a new rap album. Artest and two teammates accidentally fall into the Bay and are rescued unharmed. But they are hospitalized with hypothermia, two end up with pneumonia, point guard Baron Davis injures both his knee and back from playing too many minutes, and shooting guard Jason Richardson breaks his ankle after becoming the first player to successfully complete the BFS since Bryant's disappearance. The Warriors have to disband as a team for the rest of the season, only to have Artest and four teammates form their own band and cut a new CD just before the NBA Finals entitled Tru Warriers, Diving for Success.
3. Item: Michael Jordan and a group of investors buy 49 percent of the New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets from George Shinn.
What this really means: Having finally gained a foothold in the league, Jordan has no problem talking Shinn into moving the team to Las Vegas, and Las Vegas mayor Oscar Goodman garners a $100 million pledge from casino owners and various former NBA players to provide the city of New Orleans, for whom the money has more value to the city than the team ever could. In addition to that, Jordan promises two exhibition games and one regular season game a year to be played in the New Orleans Arena by the newly ordained Las Vegas Cash. Jordan, himself, agrees to play in the exhibition games with the full understanding he will not attempt the BFS. Following three intense months of acrimony, a smiling NBA commissioner David Stern concedes in a nationally telecast press conference that this move was approved because "Everything Jordan does is for the good of the game."
4. Item: The New York Knicks fail to make the playoffs, actually finishing below the Toronto Raptors with a 19-63 record, the worst in franchise history and the lowest point in Hall of Fame coach Larry Brown's career.
What this really means: Brown and team president Isiah Thomas agree to waive the entire roster, with the tacit approval of owner Jim Dolan, then sign all 15 players to minimum contracts and trade them for future draft choices. The Board of Governors is outraged until Stern reminds them that these are the New York Knicks and the league can't handle such a pathetic team in the biggest market any longer. But in a shocking move, Brown and Thomas continue to sign strictly North Carolina and Indiana graduates, some of whom have been out of school at least 10 years or more, to minimum deals based on their NBA experience or free agent rookie deals. When asked why they decided to attempt this ludicrous venture at this point of their lives, all 15 players retorted, "Because we play the right way." In a unanimous vote, and following a move from Madison Square Garden to Stamford, Conn., they are renamed the Stepford Knicks. The move allows the Nets to relocate from the Meadowlands to the Garden.
5. Item: LeBron James leads the Cleveland Cavaliers to their first playoff spot in his three-year career, and they actually make it to the second round before falling to the Detroit Pistons.
What this really means: The city of Cleveland, in an unprecedented move, provides a parade for James and the Cavs, despite playing into just the second round. He agrees to a maximum contract extension with owner Dan Gilbert in the summer of 2006 with the following provisions: the name of the Cavaliers arena is changed from "The Q" to "The King's Court"; the Cavaliers' new practice facility is built in Akron on a designated property owned by James; Browns Stadium is re-named "The Chosen Ones"; and the baseball Indians pacify generations of disturbance by changing their nickname to The James Gang, with the new logo featuring Joe Walsh's guitar. Gilbert agrees and the city throws another parade for James, sponsored by Nike.
6. Item: The Miami Heat return to the Eastern Conference finals, and yet again are derailed by the Detroit Pistons in Game 7.
What this really means: Heat president and coach Pat Riley faxes waiver instructions to every player on the roster but Dwyane Wade and Shaquille O'Neal. Wade's fax tells him to have a great summer and stay healthy. O'Neal's fax tells him to lose 25 pounds or he'll be fined $10,000 for every pound over 325. O'Neal shows up to training camp at 400 pounds, smiling and with a oversized check for $750,000 that is the photo-op of training camp. Riley promptly suspends him and O'Neal buys an old Good Humor truck and decides to take the year off and deliver free ice cream to children in the impoverished areas of South Florida. Prior to the televised Christmas Day game between the Heat and Lakers — with no Bryant or O'Neal — Riley announces his permanent retirement from coaching. O'Neal, admitting to tipping the scales at 475 pounds during a pregame interview with an astonished Bill Walton, says he feels much stronger at this weight and will begin play after New Year's Day. In another live interview from a sauna in Colorado, sitting with Bryant and wearing only a towel, Jim Gray asks Bryant if he misses playing with O'Neal. Confused, Bryant looks at Gray and says, "I'm not familiar with that name."
7. Item: The San Antonio Spurs are taken to seven games in the Western Conference semifinals by the Dallas Mavericks before winning, then win Game 7 of the conference finals against the Phoenix Suns when Steve Nash's game-winning drive is wiped out by a dubious charging call. Amare Stoudemire, returning at All-Star break, averages 41 points, 22 rebounds and 3 blocks to embarrass Spurs Tim Duncan.
What this really means: When asked if the Spurs got a break on the final call, Duncan pulled off his headphones and said, "What?" When asked again, he said, "That's retarded." When asked if Amare Stoudemire, who averaged 41 points, 22 rebounds and 3 blocks after returning from microfracture surgery after All-Star break, had become a more dangerous all-around player than he, Duncan replied, "He's retarded." When asked if Duncan had lost confidence in his game, he replied, "You're retarded." Following that press conference, former teammate David Robinson then renounces Duncan and adds special education classes to his fully-funded private school that continues to gain acclaim for its scholarships and education of underprivileged children in southeastern Texas. Teammate Tony Parker retires for one year beginning in the fall of 2006 to teach French at Robinson's school and his new wife Eva Longoria retires from acting for a year as well to teach Spanish — both teach free of charge as part of their community service responsibility for abusing San Antonio police who broke up the party at their 24-hour wedding following the finals.
8. Item: The Detroit Pistons win 69 games during the regular season, whip the Heat in the conference finals again and defeat the Spurs to win their second NBA title in three years.
What this really means: Third-year center Darko Milicic announces his retirement from the Pistons to play in Europe. In his post-championship press conference, Pistons owner Bill Davidson wishes Milicic well and tells him the door is always open for his return to the NBA. The Heat, Knicks and Pacers are livid, file a protest that it's a league conspiracy to benefit the Pistons, even though they're not sure how. Rasheed Wallace goes on national television with John Salley and calls them out for their sour grapes. "Y'all can learn something about sportsmanship by watching us play the Spurs. The one thing you'll always know is both teams played hard. Can you say that?" Chauncey Billups is named co-MVP of the series with backcourt mate Rip Hamilton, both of whom were snubbed by coaches and fans for the 2006 All-Star squad again —leaving them laughing at the podium. "You guys can have the All-Star game, we'll take championship rings any day," Billups said. "Ditto," Hamilton said, finally removing his mask after suffering a third broken nose.
9. Item: The Minnesota Timberwolves fail to make the playoffs for the second year in a row, leaving superstar forward Kevin Garnett exasperated just two years removed from the Western Conference finals.
What this really means: In a fit of lunacy, T-Wolves executive vice president Kevin McHale resigns his position and announces he will play center the final 10 games of the season for the Timberwolves. "Now, I'll show KG what it's really like to be a low post forward in this league because he obviously doesn't want to do it," McHale announced in his press conference. In a fit of rage, Garnett tells McHale where to take his low-post moves and publicly demands a trade. Wally Szczerbiak responds by not passing the ball to either one of them and shooting every time he touches the ball, except for those instances when guard Troy Hudson shoots the ball first. Following the final game, first-year coach Dwane Casey pronounces in a state of shock, "If I had known it was like this as a head coach in Minneapolis, I'd have gone to Portland to be an assistant coach for Nate (McMillan), where it's actually sane."
10. Item: The Seattle SuperSonics fire coach Bob Weiss and hire Stan Van Gundy, with the announcement they have gained traction in the purchase of land to build a new building in the parking lot of Qwest Field.
What this really means: Managing partner Howard Schultz, chairman of Starbucks, and president and CEO Wally Walker pushed through a referendum that a five-cent coffee tax would be added to all coffee purchased in the five counties surrounding Puget Sound and the new building would be named Starbucks Fieldhouse. But all non-Starbucks coffee drinkers proceed to boycott Sonics games in KeyArena, attendance drops to 5,000 a game and Schultz buys out 40 other minority owners. He then sells what amounts to 75 percent of the team to Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, who promptly gets the OK for a new building across Lake Washington in downtown Bellevue — where people can actually afford to attend NBA games. He buys out the final year of the KeyArena lease and they move into Windows of the World Fieldhouse for the 2009-10 season.
Mike Kahn / Special to FOXSports.com
Rather than go into the delicate and indelicate details over what has or hasn't happened over the past week in the NBA between Christmas and New Year's Day 2006, it just seemed prudent to take a look at what we will see in the coming year in and around the Association.
Some of it will become fact. Some of it will remain fantasy. Most of all, think about it because once we start taking ourselves too seriously around this game, it makes all of us hopeless.
1. Item: Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant will return from his two-game suspension for his heinous shot at Memphis swingman Mike Miller ... even if the equal parts talented and delusional Bryant still has no idea that he is just as accountable for his actions as the rest of us mere mortals.
What this really means: At some point, in some arena, during some inexplicable moment in unadulterated rage, Bryant will spontaneously explode into the rafters and come down through the basket, with ball held in both hands above his head. Because of the speed and momentum from the fall during the now famous Bryant Fullbody Slam (heretofore known as BFS), he will continue through the floor. He isn't found until Christmas 2006, when he is located in a Jacuzzi at a Breckinridge, Colo. resort with amnesia. Lakers coach Phil Jackson will declare it an unusual move out of the triangle offense, but blames himself for giving Bryant a science fiction thriller to read during the previous road trip. In a related story, New Jersey Nets star Vince Carter breaks his right leg and tears ligaments in both knees trying to duplicate the BFS.
2. Item: Mercurial forward Ron Artest and Jeff Foster are traded by the Indiana Pacers to the Golden State Warriors in exchange for Mickael Pietrus, a protected first-round draft choice and Adonal Foyle.
What this really means: The Warriors start off by winning four in a row, but then Artest decides to stop traffic on the Bay Bridge one afternoon to cut a new rap album. Artest and two teammates accidentally fall into the Bay and are rescued unharmed. But they are hospitalized with hypothermia, two end up with pneumonia, point guard Baron Davis injures both his knee and back from playing too many minutes, and shooting guard Jason Richardson breaks his ankle after becoming the first player to successfully complete the BFS since Bryant's disappearance. The Warriors have to disband as a team for the rest of the season, only to have Artest and four teammates form their own band and cut a new CD just before the NBA Finals entitled Tru Warriers, Diving for Success.
3. Item: Michael Jordan and a group of investors buy 49 percent of the New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets from George Shinn.
What this really means: Having finally gained a foothold in the league, Jordan has no problem talking Shinn into moving the team to Las Vegas, and Las Vegas mayor Oscar Goodman garners a $100 million pledge from casino owners and various former NBA players to provide the city of New Orleans, for whom the money has more value to the city than the team ever could. In addition to that, Jordan promises two exhibition games and one regular season game a year to be played in the New Orleans Arena by the newly ordained Las Vegas Cash. Jordan, himself, agrees to play in the exhibition games with the full understanding he will not attempt the BFS. Following three intense months of acrimony, a smiling NBA commissioner David Stern concedes in a nationally telecast press conference that this move was approved because "Everything Jordan does is for the good of the game."
4. Item: The New York Knicks fail to make the playoffs, actually finishing below the Toronto Raptors with a 19-63 record, the worst in franchise history and the lowest point in Hall of Fame coach Larry Brown's career.
What this really means: Brown and team president Isiah Thomas agree to waive the entire roster, with the tacit approval of owner Jim Dolan, then sign all 15 players to minimum contracts and trade them for future draft choices. The Board of Governors is outraged until Stern reminds them that these are the New York Knicks and the league can't handle such a pathetic team in the biggest market any longer. But in a shocking move, Brown and Thomas continue to sign strictly North Carolina and Indiana graduates, some of whom have been out of school at least 10 years or more, to minimum deals based on their NBA experience or free agent rookie deals. When asked why they decided to attempt this ludicrous venture at this point of their lives, all 15 players retorted, "Because we play the right way." In a unanimous vote, and following a move from Madison Square Garden to Stamford, Conn., they are renamed the Stepford Knicks. The move allows the Nets to relocate from the Meadowlands to the Garden.
5. Item: LeBron James leads the Cleveland Cavaliers to their first playoff spot in his three-year career, and they actually make it to the second round before falling to the Detroit Pistons.
What this really means: The city of Cleveland, in an unprecedented move, provides a parade for James and the Cavs, despite playing into just the second round. He agrees to a maximum contract extension with owner Dan Gilbert in the summer of 2006 with the following provisions: the name of the Cavaliers arena is changed from "The Q" to "The King's Court"; the Cavaliers' new practice facility is built in Akron on a designated property owned by James; Browns Stadium is re-named "The Chosen Ones"; and the baseball Indians pacify generations of disturbance by changing their nickname to The James Gang, with the new logo featuring Joe Walsh's guitar. Gilbert agrees and the city throws another parade for James, sponsored by Nike.
6. Item: The Miami Heat return to the Eastern Conference finals, and yet again are derailed by the Detroit Pistons in Game 7.
What this really means: Heat president and coach Pat Riley faxes waiver instructions to every player on the roster but Dwyane Wade and Shaquille O'Neal. Wade's fax tells him to have a great summer and stay healthy. O'Neal's fax tells him to lose 25 pounds or he'll be fined $10,000 for every pound over 325. O'Neal shows up to training camp at 400 pounds, smiling and with a oversized check for $750,000 that is the photo-op of training camp. Riley promptly suspends him and O'Neal buys an old Good Humor truck and decides to take the year off and deliver free ice cream to children in the impoverished areas of South Florida. Prior to the televised Christmas Day game between the Heat and Lakers — with no Bryant or O'Neal — Riley announces his permanent retirement from coaching. O'Neal, admitting to tipping the scales at 475 pounds during a pregame interview with an astonished Bill Walton, says he feels much stronger at this weight and will begin play after New Year's Day. In another live interview from a sauna in Colorado, sitting with Bryant and wearing only a towel, Jim Gray asks Bryant if he misses playing with O'Neal. Confused, Bryant looks at Gray and says, "I'm not familiar with that name."
7. Item: The San Antonio Spurs are taken to seven games in the Western Conference semifinals by the Dallas Mavericks before winning, then win Game 7 of the conference finals against the Phoenix Suns when Steve Nash's game-winning drive is wiped out by a dubious charging call. Amare Stoudemire, returning at All-Star break, averages 41 points, 22 rebounds and 3 blocks to embarrass Spurs Tim Duncan.
What this really means: When asked if the Spurs got a break on the final call, Duncan pulled off his headphones and said, "What?" When asked again, he said, "That's retarded." When asked if Amare Stoudemire, who averaged 41 points, 22 rebounds and 3 blocks after returning from microfracture surgery after All-Star break, had become a more dangerous all-around player than he, Duncan replied, "He's retarded." When asked if Duncan had lost confidence in his game, he replied, "You're retarded." Following that press conference, former teammate David Robinson then renounces Duncan and adds special education classes to his fully-funded private school that continues to gain acclaim for its scholarships and education of underprivileged children in southeastern Texas. Teammate Tony Parker retires for one year beginning in the fall of 2006 to teach French at Robinson's school and his new wife Eva Longoria retires from acting for a year as well to teach Spanish — both teach free of charge as part of their community service responsibility for abusing San Antonio police who broke up the party at their 24-hour wedding following the finals.
8. Item: The Detroit Pistons win 69 games during the regular season, whip the Heat in the conference finals again and defeat the Spurs to win their second NBA title in three years.
What this really means: Third-year center Darko Milicic announces his retirement from the Pistons to play in Europe. In his post-championship press conference, Pistons owner Bill Davidson wishes Milicic well and tells him the door is always open for his return to the NBA. The Heat, Knicks and Pacers are livid, file a protest that it's a league conspiracy to benefit the Pistons, even though they're not sure how. Rasheed Wallace goes on national television with John Salley and calls them out for their sour grapes. "Y'all can learn something about sportsmanship by watching us play the Spurs. The one thing you'll always know is both teams played hard. Can you say that?" Chauncey Billups is named co-MVP of the series with backcourt mate Rip Hamilton, both of whom were snubbed by coaches and fans for the 2006 All-Star squad again —leaving them laughing at the podium. "You guys can have the All-Star game, we'll take championship rings any day," Billups said. "Ditto," Hamilton said, finally removing his mask after suffering a third broken nose.
9. Item: The Minnesota Timberwolves fail to make the playoffs for the second year in a row, leaving superstar forward Kevin Garnett exasperated just two years removed from the Western Conference finals.
What this really means: In a fit of lunacy, T-Wolves executive vice president Kevin McHale resigns his position and announces he will play center the final 10 games of the season for the Timberwolves. "Now, I'll show KG what it's really like to be a low post forward in this league because he obviously doesn't want to do it," McHale announced in his press conference. In a fit of rage, Garnett tells McHale where to take his low-post moves and publicly demands a trade. Wally Szczerbiak responds by not passing the ball to either one of them and shooting every time he touches the ball, except for those instances when guard Troy Hudson shoots the ball first. Following the final game, first-year coach Dwane Casey pronounces in a state of shock, "If I had known it was like this as a head coach in Minneapolis, I'd have gone to Portland to be an assistant coach for Nate (McMillan), where it's actually sane."
10. Item: The Seattle SuperSonics fire coach Bob Weiss and hire Stan Van Gundy, with the announcement they have gained traction in the purchase of land to build a new building in the parking lot of Qwest Field.
What this really means: Managing partner Howard Schultz, chairman of Starbucks, and president and CEO Wally Walker pushed through a referendum that a five-cent coffee tax would be added to all coffee purchased in the five counties surrounding Puget Sound and the new building would be named Starbucks Fieldhouse. But all non-Starbucks coffee drinkers proceed to boycott Sonics games in KeyArena, attendance drops to 5,000 a game and Schultz buys out 40 other minority owners. He then sells what amounts to 75 percent of the team to Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, who promptly gets the OK for a new building across Lake Washington in downtown Bellevue — where people can actually afford to attend NBA games. He buys out the final year of the KeyArena lease and they move into Windows of the World Fieldhouse for the 2009-10 season.