Do all high school relationships have to end in college?

[usckk]

The perception I have in my school is that once you hit college, you have to break up with your girlfriend or boyfriend. Is this mostly true? and so, why? DO you think its possible to continue a relationship when you go to a school very far away from each other (like NC and Vermont)?

[Trainwreck2100]

to answer your question, yes

[usckk]

Why?

[Trainwreck2100]

college=sex unless your me :depressed

ducking morals and standards

[easjer]

usckk, my experience in watching our students here (I didn't have a bf when I went to college) and from my friends is that most relationships don't last.

The reason? There are several. The first year, the first semester especially, is a time of really big change for people. They are typically living out on their own for the first in an entirely different environment, they have to become more responsible for themselves, the social atmosphere and expectations are changing. People grow and change a lot during that time. Relationships have to grow and change during that time to keep up. But even in fully adult committed relationships, the relationship can't keep up. Or sometimes a partner doesn't like the new person - it's not what they are looking for or what they want.

Also, it is a time to experiment and try out new roles for yourself. Up to that point, may people have been defined by years of relationships - being an outcast in first grade can mean being an outcast in high school. But it's a new world in college. It can be hard to feel like you want to 'discover' yourself and be tied to your old life and someone who knows an older you.

Also, the expectations of where a relationship is going (if anywhere) change in college. Some people just want to have fun, and find that a long term committed relationship hinders that. Some people feel (rightly, I generally think) that they can't make long term decisions in college, but being in a long term relationship naturally brings some pressure to determine its outcome, which generally leads to either marriage or a breakup. Easier to nip it in the bud if you don't plan to be together in the future than drag it on forever.

Most 18 year olds are not equipped with the maturity and communication skills to talk through the big problems that a long-distance relationship poses (particularly when you are both experiencing new things). They don't know how to deal with their bf/gf having all these new experiences that they are not a part of. They can be really jealous or suspicious, even if they've never been before, and even if they are also experiencing new things. It's hard to maintain a long-distance relationship especially because you are building new lives away from each other - you begin to lose commen bonds of the same friends and the same interests. You aren't a part of each other's daily lives anymore, except by telephone or email, which are poor substitutes for the real thing.

It's hard even when you go to the same school, but way, way harder when you are apart.

That's not to say it can't work. I've seen it work a few times, but generally, I see it end, for various of the reasons listed above. It takes a lot of maturity and better communication skills that most couples have to make it work - and a real committment to make it work, which a lot of 18 year olds don't have.

[Trainwreck2100]

usckk, my experience in watching our students here (I didn't have a bf when I went to college) and from my friends is that most relationships don't last.

The reason? There are several. The first year, the first semester especially, is a time of really big change for people. They are typically living out on their own for the first in an entirely different environment, they have to become more responsible for themselves, the social atmosphere and expectations are changing. People grow and change a lot during that time. Relationships have to grow and change during that time to keep up. But even in fully adult committed relationships, the relationship can't keep up. Or sometimes a partner doesn't like the new person - it's not what they are looking for or what they want.

Also, it is a time to experiment and try out new roles for yourself. Up to that point, may people have been defined by years of relationships - being an outcast in first grade can mean being an outcast in high school. But it's a new world in college. It can be hard to feel like you want to 'discover' yourself and be tied to your old life and someone who knows an older you.

Also, the expectations of where a relationship is going (if anywhere) change in college. Some people just want to have fun, and find that a long term committed relationship hinders that. Some people feel (rightly, I generally think) that they can't make long term decisions in college, but being in a long term relationship naturally brings some pressure to determine its outcome, which generally leads to either marriage or a breakup. Easier to nip it in the bud if you don't plan to be together in the future than drag it on forever.

Most 18 year olds are not equipped with the maturity and communication skills to talk through the big problems that a long-distance relationship poses (particularly when you are both experiencing new things). They don't know how to deal with their bf/gf having all these new experiences that they are not a part of. They can be really jealous or suspicious, even if they've never been before, and even if they are also experiencing new things. It's hard to maintain a long-distance relationship especially because you are building new lives away from each other - you begin to lose commen bonds of the same friends and the same interests. You aren't a part of each other's daily lives anymore, except by telephone or email, which are poor substitutes for the real thing.

It's hard even when you go to the same school, but way, way harder when you are apart.

That's not to say it can't work. I've seen it work a few times, but generally, I see it end, for various of the reasons listed above. It takes a lot of maturity and better communication skills that most couples have to make it work - and a real committment to make it work, which a lot of 18 year olds don't have.


I.E. College=sex

[nkdlunch]

Spring Break

[usckk]

usckk, my experience in watching our students here (I didn't have a bf when I went to college) and from my friends is that most relationships don't last.

The reason? There are several. The first year, the first semester especially, is a time of really big change for people. They are typically living out on their own for the first in an entirely different environment, they have to become more responsible for themselves, the social atmosphere and expectations are changing. People grow and change a lot during that time. Relationships have to grow and change during that time to keep up. But even in fully adult committed relationships, the relationship can't keep up. Or sometimes a partner doesn't like the new person - it's not what they are looking for or what they want.

Also, it is a time to experiment and try out new roles for yourself. Up to that point, may people have been defined by years of relationships - being an outcast in first grade can mean being an outcast in high school. But it's a new world in college. It can be hard to feel like you want to 'discover' yourself and be tied to your old life and someone who knows an older you.

Also, the expectations of where a relationship is going (if anywhere) change in college. Some people just want to have fun, and find that a long term committed relationship hinders that. Some people feel (rightly, I generally think) that they can't make long term decisions in college, but being in a long term relationship naturally brings some pressure to determine its outcome, which generally leads to either marriage or a breakup. Easier to nip it in the bud if you don't plan to be together in the future than drag it on forever.

Most 18 year olds are not equipped with the maturity and communication skills to talk through the big problems that a long-distance relationship poses (particularly when you are both experiencing new things). They don't know how to deal with their bf/gf having all these new experiences that they are not a part of. They can be really jealous or suspicious, even if they've never been before, and even if they are also experiencing new things. It's hard to maintain a long-distance relationship especially because you are building new lives away from each other - you begin to lose commen bonds of the same friends and the same interests. You aren't a part of each other's daily lives anymore, except by telephone or email, which are poor substitutes for the real thing.

It's hard even when you go to the same school, but way, way harder when you are apart.

That's not to say it can't work. I've seen it work a few times, but generally, I see it end, for various of the reasons listed above. It takes a lot of maturity and better communication skills that most couples have to make it work - and a real committment to make it work, which a lot of 18 year olds don't have.

Thanks alot!!!!! Very good tips.

[easjer]

But it doesn't equal sex for a lot of people. It does for some, and whatever. That's fine if you use protection. I really think it goes a lot deeper than that though.

For example, my freshman roommate. She was 'engaged' to her boyfriend when she came to college. They'd been together for four years and were in looooooooove. But she got a lot of male attention because she was an athlete in pretty good shape. She really liked that male attention - she'd never gotten it before, because everyone knew she was dating her boyfriend (and they got 'engaged' at prom). And then Ben showed up. Ben was mostly interested in sleeping with her, but she was 'engaged' so he had to work a lot harder. Ended up really liking her in the process. They hung out together all the time, and she liked having someone closer to her age (her bf was 22? 23?) going through the same things. He didn't tell her she was acting immature or being silly about stuff and they knew the same people and hung out.

She dated both for awhile and eventually broke it off with her 'fiance' because she was not the same 18 year old who came to college and had romantic notions about a big wedding and living happily ever after. She actually grew up and realized that she wanted an actual relationship with someone as an equal. It turned out not to be Ben, and he tried to kick in our door and our RA called campus security to have him removed to his floor, but I think you get the point.

[ploto]

Worked for me-- but we were not typical.

[usckk]

Its natural for us to look foward to sex. But it shouldn't be the basis for a relationship.

[easjer]

Most of the couples I know who were together in high school and stayed together in college got married at some point in college. Just my observations. I do know of one couple that were together in high school, all through college, got married this summer and are in med school/nursing school now. They dated about 7 years before they got married, I think (my husband's friends, I've only met them since they married).

As for sex, I think it really is true for some people. They want to experiment with sex and just have a few flings before they settle down. And they don't want the guilty conscience of a bf/gf elsewhere. But I really think the main thing is the change. The first year is such a huge change. Truly, it is.

[midgetonadonkey]

Its natural for us to look foward to sex. But it shouldn't be the basis for a relationship.

You should get in a relationship that is all about sex. Just once, for fun. I think everybody should have one sex based relationship in their youth.

Relationships based on love are overrated.

[easjer]

Careful, midget, that smacks of disappointment.

[pache100]

If it's true love, it will withstand anything, even college. If it's not true love, the best time to find out is before you make a deeper emotional commitment or a legal commitment. The safest thing to do, probably, is for both parties to agree to go out in groups after you separate for college - see and meet all kinds of people in all kinds of settings. You don't have to do anything risky or anything you don't want to do. But, you have to test your wings a little, it's the only way to find out how you really feel. If love survives separation of any kind, it's most likely the real thing. But, you also have to remember that it takes two to make a committed stable relationship, living together or apart. If only one party is serious, if only one party works at it, it will not survive.

Good luck to you in your academic and emotional endeavors!

[JoeChalupa]

I knew guys who give their girlfriends "rings" when they go off to college because they know their GF's will be playing the field once they get to college.

[midgetonadonkey]

The best thing to do is to find a girl that is too dumb to get into college.

[pache100]

You know, I think his question was totally serious. You guys could have given him some valuable advice, mentored a little. Instead some of you chose to be wiseasses and blow off his question with stupid and outrageous answers. Shame on you.

[usckk]

haha at Midget

[easjer]

The ring Jason gave me for our engagement was a 2ct princess cut white sapphire solitaire (it's been reset to match the wedding band since). Ok? It was some bling, and I got lots of comments on it.

So over the summer we do orientations and my big role is to register students for their classes. They always sit on my left, so the freshmen girls would always comment on my ring. Then we get this one girl. So we've been engaged for over a year at this point, and I'm pretty used to the ring at this point. This girl comes and sits down to be registered, right?

She squeals over my ring. I thank her and she asks all these questions about the wedding and stuff. Then she shows me her friendship ring - it's a full 3/4 to 1 carat diamond with decent coloring. A friendship ring. Probably worth about four times what my sapphire was worth.

I've always wondered what her actual engagement ring was if they stayed together.

[midgetonadonkey]

Why doesn't he just ignore the wise ass comments and stick to the good advice. Maybe others are enjoying the wisecracks.

[usckk]

Tanks Pach. My question was serious.

[usckk]

The reason i'm asking this question is because i dont want to get into a new relationship now that's going to be broken in a month or two once my senior in hs is over and suffer through a breakup.

[CosmicCowboy]

He already knows the "straight" answer.

There is a very tiny and almost miniscule chance that high school sweethearts will still be together as a couple 4 years later if they go to different colleges in different towns.

[JoeChalupa]

Some are too young to be in serious relationships in HS and in College there are new priorities and calling the GF or BF sometimes get put on the back burner...especially if there are parties to attend!

I didn't get serious relationships with any girl until I was in my 30's....

[JoeChalupa]

The reason i'm asking this question is because i dont want to get into a new relationship now that's going to be broken in a month or two once my senior in hs is over and suffer through a breakup.

Nobody ever knows how or if a relationship will grow or falter. What if it turns out to be the love of your life?

[midgetonadonkey]

I know a couple that have been together since 7th grade. They are 27 now. You never know when shit might just work out.

[easjer]

Well, usckk, there is the other side of the equation as well. Are you only going to get into a relationship that has potential to 'last'? What defines that - are you talking about a couple of years, are you talking marriage? I hit that point, because I'd gotten fed up with casual dating. And then I hooked up with my husband, and one of our first conversations was about whether or not there was a future for us. Because if not, we had a great friendship neither of us wanted ruined.

But if you never put yourself out there, you can really lose the chance to grow as a person and develop your relationship/communication skills.

It's never a forgone conclusion. There is value to be gained by a relationship, even if it ends. Life is about striking a balance between gaining experience and not being reckless.

You should be realistic about the fact that a lot of longterm relationships don't work out after highschool for hs sweethearts, but that shouldn't automatically dictate that you never enter a relationship. By that logic, you'd never date anyone seriously that you wouldn't marry. And that's not realistic, because relationships and feelings change with time. And you lose a realistic chance of keeping such a relationship, because you haven't built your skills in the interim.

If you are interested in dating someone, then date. Be casual and if you think it might go somewhere else, then be honest about that fact and about what it would mean. Don't completely cut yourself off because it doesn't always work out (just like you shouldn't cling for the same reason).

[usckk]

Very, true easjer. Thanks for the comments! That's what i was worried about--the potential that this girl might be the "right one"

[Darrin]

If it's true love, it will withstand anything, even college. If it's not true love, the best time to find out is before you make a deeper emotional commitment or a legal commitment. The safest thing to do, probably, is for both parties to agree to go out in groups after you separate for college - see and meet all kinds of people in all kinds of settings. You don't have to do anything risky or anything you don't want to do. But, you have to test your wings a little, it's the only way to find out how you really feel. If love survives separation of any kind, it's most likely the real thing. But, you also have to remember that it takes two to make a committed stable relationship, living together or apart. If only one party is serious, if only one party works at it, it will not survive.

Good luck to you in your academic and emotional endeavors!

You're a better hopeless romantic than I am. I don't think the human animal is built to withstand long-term departures of one partner or the other. The same kind of feelings - anger, jealosy, frustratation - that build in the death of a loved one, tend to take over the relationship.

I know a wife of my brother's friend who was serving in Iraq who cheated on her husband, became pregnant with this guy's baby, and had it aborted before the husband could find out. Just to add to her burden, her husband died three months later.

[JoeChalupa]

I've also been with women who I thought were "the one" only to find out it wasn't meant to be....well, perhaps they found out that I wasn't the one but the point is that the human heart works in mysterious ways. If someone would have told me 15 years ago that I'd be married to my wife I'd a said 'No way Jose!" but now wouldn't have it any other way.

Marriage rocks!!!!

[usckk]

See...me and this person have known each other for 4 years and have been very good friends for 3. We've always known we like each other. Its just because we are both so busy with school and extracurricular activites, never had a chance to have "a date."

[pache100]

You're a better hopeless romantic than I am. I don't think the human animal is built to withstand long-term departures of one partner or the other. The same kind of feelings - anger, jealosy, frustratation - that build in the death of a loved one, tend to take over the relationship.

I know a wife of my brother's friend who was serving in Iraq who cheated on her husband, became pregnant with this guy's baby, and had it aborted before the husband could find out. Just to add to her burden, her husband died three months later.

I know it's rare. But, it does happen. My Mom was an AF wife for 23 years. My parents were still in love the day my father died, maybe more than they had ever been. Out of 23 years, they actually spent less then 15 together. I know they are from a different generation, but I know people my own age (and I realize I am quite a bit older than most here) who have long-distance relationships that work. I have a good friend who lives and works in Houston, but her husband lives on their farm in Missouri and operates their business. They've been living this way for 20 years and see each other 3-4 times a year for a week or two (sometimes just a long weekend) at t time.

I also have a young friend (she's probably 24-25) who is working her in San Antonio while her husband goes to Northwestern for his Masters in finance. This is their third (and hopefully their last) year to do this. Hopefully, he will be returning to San Antonio in June to work fulltime and she will be going to school to complete her degree. Only time will tell if they survive this three-year separation where they have seen each other only at Christmas and a few days during the summer, but so far they have.

It's tough. And, sometimes, even when people are truly in love, they do not survive the separation; I know more people who fall into the failure category than the success category.

[Darrin]

See...me and this person have known each other for 4 years and have been very good friends for 3. We've always known we like each other. Its just because we are both so busy with school and extracurricular activites, never had a chance to have "a date."

"A Date." Has there been sex?

[2Blonde]

If we could tell the future that would be wonderful, but we can't. That's why we have to grow up and experience life and heartbreak. All you can do is follow your head and heart. My husband and I were both previously married to other people. We met and married in our 30's, I was 35 & he was 37. We have been married for 8 1/2 incredible years. But we know that if we had met when we were young we probably wouldn't have worked out. We were too different then. There is a lot to be said for growing up first and finding out who you are and what you want for yourself before you commit your life to another person. I am not saying you have to wait until you are 35, but I changed tremendously after graduating college and getting out in the working world and realizing I could provide for myself. By then I was already married for the first time and a mother with a miserable overbearing husband who didn't want me to succeed. His misery with his own life carried over into mine. I am just saying you need to make sure your own life is well adjusted and happy before you make a commitment. But that shouldn't preclude you from dating and having fun as long as you are completely up front and honest with people about your motives and don't get too seriously involved.

[CosmicCowboy]

:wow:wow:wow:wow:wow

I'm sure that your post was very profound 2Blonde but I have to admit I was distracted by your spectacular avatar...

[2Blonde]

:wow:wow:wow:wow:wow

I'm sure that your post was very profound 2Blonde but I have to admit I was distracted by your spectacular avatar...
Why thank you, kind sir ! :lol

[T-Pain]

my roomate is still dating this girl he met in HS, but yet he doesnt even go to school anyway

[CosmicCowboy]

my roomate is still dating this girl he met in HS, but yet he doesnt even go to school anyway

One would assume from the context of this awful sentence that you are a high school graduate but your sentence structure and composition suggest otherwise.