I'm looking for some advice...

[Darrin]

So, yeah, my father passed away today in his sleep. He was only 55! I realize this is a complete downer thread, but has anyone else on the board lost a parent?

My dad wasn't always there for me, and I have had very little emotional reaction to this. I turn to the cold process of an internet message board because my entire family is in the process of falling apart, and I'm not. I feel more guilt about that than anything. I'm looking for some tips on how to deal.

[SpursWoman]

I've lost my sister at 16 in 1978, mom at 61 a year ago March 4 ... I lost my Dad in 1999 (after he finally got to see a Spurs championship, btw :) ), he was only 67.

Most people handle things differently ... I'm not inclined to cry a lot or fall apart either. I had my moments when my mom died, but then I was very, very close to her. Of course I was upset when my dad died, and the circumstances surrounding it weren't very pleasant...but it didn't affect me quite as much as losing my mom did. And I felt guilty about that, too. I got called a cold, heartless bitch on many occasions for it, but it honestly didn't hit me for a while that he was gone. And for the most part I just kept that to myself. I let the rest of my family do all of the falling apart ... someone had to be sane enough for all of the funeral arrangements and everything else that needs to be done. :)

If you're honest with yourself about how you feel about your relationship with your father, and not just trying to be the tough guy...you have no reason to feel guilty whatsoever.

I'm very, very sorry for your loss, though. Hang in there. :makeout

[Carie]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have not been where you are so I can only offer you sincere best wishes for you and your familiy's recovery.

[angel_luv]

I'm very sorry for you.

My dad passed away in his sleep when I was sixteen. It was very unexpected. He was 61.

I had a hard time grieving because I thought I had to grieve a certain way- mostly because people were telling me how I should feel and be. They meant it kindly I am sure, but it was not helpful at all.

So my advice to you is let yourself feel however you feel. Don't think that you need to justify, explain, or even fully understand your emotions.


I like to write things down because that gives me a point of reference to look back to when I am more clear headed and able to work out the emotions.
If talking to a friend would help you, that is a good option too.

It sounds cliche ,but the thing that helped me a lot when my dad died was to believe (and remind myself continuously) that the pain. confusion, loneliness etc I felt would lessen with time.
And it really has. I still have times when I feel loss without my dad, but I have found over time that memories of him have become a lot less bitter and a lot more sweet.

Give yourself time and space. You will make it through.

Again, I am very, very sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you.

[Old School Chic]

I'm so sorry about your loss...

I have had a share of deaths in my life recently.
First one of my good friends' mom passed away then a week later my uncle Jesse passed. I went out of town and my Cat got lost and left a litter of 7 kittens which have been dying on me every other day...Unfortunately they were to small for the Humane Society to take them.

Anyway, I wasn't real close to my Uncle but to my Aunt his widow I am. So when he died I didn't cry as much as I know I would If my aunt were to die.
Unfortunately, we all have different situations in life that makes us feel one way for one person and another way for another... So don't feel bad, just thank God that your Dad is now resting and soon you guys will be together again and have a new start.

[samikeyp]

My condolences to you my friend. I didn't see or speak to my dad from 1977 to 2003. My parents got divorced and all we heard from him was with child support checks. I have re-established contact with him and its gone well but I have not yet had a chance to see him yet. I often wondered in that time how I would feel if he had died and I didn't get to see him. His health, while not poor, is not what it once was. I am hoping to see him soon but the thought of not seeing him before he dies troubles me. My advice is not to feel guilt because you have done nothing wrong. SW is right, we all deal differently. One way is not right or wrong, just different. I would suggest being their for your family in case they need you. You have my hopes and prayers for the strength to get through this.

[Sunshine]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I've, unfortunately, dealt with many deaths in my immediate family over the years. My only brother died at age 27 of AIDS, my father died of cancer in 1990 at age 64, then my mother was killed in a car wreck in '93 at age 62. I dealt with each death differently, and am still dealing with the loss on some levels. I've never been the kind to cry and carry on in public, I handle my grief in private. I tend to busy myself with the tasks of preparing for the funeral, the out of town guests, sending thank you cards, etc.

Just let your feelings lead the way and grieve in your own time.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[1Parker1]

So, yeah, my father passed away today in his sleep. He was only 55! I realize this is a complete downer thread, but has anyone else on the board lost a parent?

My dad wasn't always there for me, and I have had very little emotional reaction to this. I turn to the cold process of an internet message board because my entire family is in the process of falling apart, and I'm not. I feel more guilt about that than anything. I'm looking for some tips on how to deal.

:( I'm very sorry to hear about your dad. My mom has been sick ever since I can remember. She had breast cancer when I was 8 (now in remission), a serious stroke this past summer, and she has serious diabetes and high blood pressure. I've always been much closer to my dad, because I think a part of me in the back of my head knew not to get too attached since she could be gone at anytime. I have this bad habit of blanking my mind and I'm very good at avoiding emotions and avoiding certain thoughts.

You shouldn't feel guilty for not having very much emotional reaction. You may not feel anything right now, but I'm sure somewhere down the road something is going to happen that'll make you think about your father and I'm sure you'll feel something then. Even if you're not close to the person, I still think that when someone like a parent, brother, sister, or friend dies it still affects you in ways you probably won't realize until years later.

[Guru of Nothing]

So, yeah, my father passed away today in his sleep. He was only 55! I realize this is a complete downer thread, but has anyone else on the board lost a parent?

My dad wasn't always there for me, and I have had very little emotional reaction to this. I turn to the cold process of an internet message board because my entire family is in the process of falling apart, and I'm not. I feel more guilt about that than anything. I'm looking for some tips on how to deal.

Just grow with the flow, and be there for your family.

ETA: My dad died a couple of years ago at the age of 61. I've been there too

[spurs=bling]

i'm sorry about your dad, i lost my mom when i was 13 she was 36. i know its a hard time right now. but try to be strong. my prayers are with you.

[greywheel]

So, yeah, my father passed away today in his sleep. He was only 55! I realize this is a complete downer thread, but has anyone else on the board lost a parent?

My dad wasn't always there for me, and I have had very little emotional reaction to this. I turn to the cold process of an internet message board because my entire family is in the process of falling apart, and I'm not. I feel more guilt about that than anything. I'm looking for some tips on how to deal.

Sorry to hear about your loss, I also did not cry at first when my mom died. I started to cry out of guilt because everyone around me was crying. But I did cry days later when noone was around. Some you may be in a state of shock that has not allowed the full range of emotions.

Another thing is now that I am older, I have been through several deaths with my wife's family. I tend to not show much emotion because my wife is already very upset and I feel a need to be strong for her.

So don't blame yourself for how you feel now, or if you do break down later.
Again my condolences to you and your family.

[Darrin]

Thanks for all the well-wishes and advice.

[jochhejaam]

Sorry for your family's loss Darrin and don't feel guilty for not having an outward show of emotion. Perhaps you can be there to comfort other family members.
My Parents have always been there for us so it's quite different than your situation. I have 4 siblings and we're all close to my parents and although I don't dwell on it I'm acutely aware that their time could come at any moment or not for many years. I have a sister that I know will fall apart when that time comes and I my oldest brother will be the one who grieves deeply inward but won't fall apart outwardly. I'll be somewhere in the middle.

[BigDaddyMatty]

I've very sorry darrin. I'll pray for you.

[ShoogarBear]

My condolences. I lost my mom six years ago at age 68, and I didn't do at lot of expressing, in part because it's not my nature and also becuase I have to deal with a lot of death as part of my profession. Nobody should feel guilty about how they choose to grieve. But of course your relationship with the deceased is going to play a large part in your feelings. The key is to be honest (and fair) with yourself in what happened without unecessary guilt. Perhaps there were regrets or unfinished business, and while they always may be a cause of sadness, you can make them a positive by using them as motivation to make sure your current relationships are the best they can be.

[travis2]

Nothing here for me to add...you've had a bunch of excellent advice.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

[MaNuMaNiAc]

http://spurstalk.com/forums/images/smilies/smidepressed.gif

[lilmads]

:( Very sorry for your loss Darrin...
Hang in there and things will get better in time...
Will pray for you

[pache100]

I'm so sorry about your Dad, Darrin.

My Dad died in August of 2003 at 72. He had bladder cancer but was on the mend from that when a blood clot in his leg moved and stopped his heart. He'd had DVT (deep vein thrombosis) for 25 years and could have died from it at any point during that time. It was still a shock because it was unexpected since he'd pulled through the surgery, etc.

I was devastated. My whole family was. I felt so much guilt because I had not been as close to him as I could have been (he was a very difficult man). But, actually, as far as activity, you just go through the motions when someone close to you dies. It's like being in a play or something. The event takes on a life of its own and you move from one step to another and then it's over. That's when you really start to grieve. And remember that everyone grieves in their own way. Don't expect everyone to sit around crying and be depressed for a long time. Some people are able to get past things easier than others.

At the same time my Dad had bladder cancer, my Mom had lung cancer, so we were dealing with that, too. Well, my sister and I were dealing with it. At that point in our lives, my brother dealt with things by not dealing with them. He's a little better about stuff like that now. We came so close to losing both our parents that summer, and I thank God about a dozen times a day for not taking my Mom right then, too.

Now, almost three years later, there are still days that I miss my Dad so intensely I can't stand it. I'll be driving down the road and hear a song that reminds me of him and I'll just start crying. But, we laugh a lot about him, now, too. My Mom, sister, brother, and me are able to tell stories about my Dad and recount memories. We have a sort of game that we play about finding pennies on the street or sidewalk or parking lot. My Dad was such a tightwad. So, when we find a penny, we say, "Daddy's been here." We are saving all the pennies (any coins we find) in a jar and someday, we'll do something with the money.

You will find little rituals or habits that will make it easier to deal with your Dad being gone, too. It will take time, though, so don't be too hard on yourself about not feeling right now, it will hit you soon enough. I know my Dad knew I loved him; yours knows that, too.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. You have some difficult days ahead of you.

[2Blonde]

I've lost 2 Dads. My biological dad died in March 1994 of a heart attack at 62. We had a choice of burying him on March 15th or the 16th because of one of my sister's flying in from Germany. The 15th was my birthday & the 16th was my daughter's birthday. We buried him on mine. That was tough.

My Step-Dad died almost 11 months ago from cancer. He was a much bigger part of my life and I considered him as real a father as my biological father. I didn't cry immediately after either one of them died. I don't cry a lot. But I Had my moments when I was alone and I would tear up and have some memory.

Don't worry about how anyone else reacts outwardly. Your emotions will come in time when they are supposed to. I suffered with depression after both deaths but eventually came out of it. Feeling numb after a sudden loss is quite common.

We're here to listen anytime...

[easjer]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

The thing to remember is that everyone feels differently and grieves differently. You have to go through your own process to reconcile yourself to your loss. It may not take much time, it may not be really emotional. That's ok. You are not wrong for not falling apart and you should not feel guilty for not feeling more or for holding yourself together.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Please let me know if there is anything you need that I can provide.

[RashoFan]

I am sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your family. Like 2Blonde said..."We're here to listen anytime"!

[slayermin]

So, yeah, my father passed away today in his sleep. He was only 55! I realize this is a complete downer thread, but has anyone else on the board lost a parent?

My dad wasn't always there for me, and I have had very little emotional reaction to this. I turn to the cold process of an internet message board because my entire family is in the process of falling apart, and I'm not. I feel more guilt about that than anything. I'm looking for some tips on how to deal.

My stepfather died at 53. I felt the same you did when he first past. I didn't really react emotionally to it for a couple of weeks. But then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Sometimes it takes time for the reality of the situation to sink in.

My condolences.

[slayermin]

oops. double post.