Tubby Smith
03-21-2007, 12:20 AM
Take no note of this bull shit . Just really bored.
ASTORIA, OR--Following the tight end’s arrest in Scottsdale for DUI and possession of marijuana last week, the huge, massive blowout scheduled to take place over the weekend at Jerramy Stevens’ condo in Astoria has been cancelled. A make-up date has not yet been announced.
A spokesman for Stevens this morning issued an apology to all those who planned to attend the party.
“Jerramy would like to apologize to all the friends and well-wishers who planned to attend his annual Spring Blowout this weekend,” the spokesman said. “He expects to return home shortly, at which point a make-up date may be announced. Please do not show up at his condominium complex and light fireworks on his patio. Also, don’t throw your used condoms on his neighbors’ property, because that kind of thing is frowned upon around here.”
Stevens’ condo is known for its awesome parties, which have drawn complaints and threats of legal action from his neighbors. Recently, stories have surfaced about loud fights, vandalism, trespassing, and all-night benders. Those complaints contributed to Stevens’ decision to cancel this weekend’s get together.
While his neighbors may be relieved about the cancellation, his friends are bitterly disappointed.
“What? The party’s been cancelled? Oh, that blows,” said 28-year-old Randall Knight, an acquaintance of Stevens. “Of all the parties he throws, the Spring Blowout is the absolute best. He has strippers, free booze, weed, ecstasy- anything you want. And the chicks! Wow. Last year I met this hottie from Oregon State, and she was like 20 years old, and we were just talking and dancing all night, and we totally hit it off. Then at the end of the night, we went into the bedroom and…well…I won’t get into the graphic details, but I will say that it involved her being unconscious.”
A year before, Stevens started the tradition of purchasing dozens of kegs and scattering them all across the condo complex, so partygoers could walk around and tap a keg whenever they needed a refill. The neighbors, surprisingly, never complained.
“I have to say that Jerramy’s neighbors are some seriously laid back people,” Knight said. “They pretty much give you free reign of the place. I remember one time I was pissing in this lady’s shrubs and I happened to be standing right outside her bedroom window and I saw her peeking out, and I though ‘Uh-oh. Busted.’ But all she did was shut her lights off and mutter ‘Please don’t hurt me.’ So I said ‘I can accommodate that,’ and I didn’t hurt her. See, this is how you build relationships with people.”
But Stevens’ neighbors tell a different story: one of fear, intimidation, and finally, anger.
“We put up with it for a long time because we were scared of the guy,” said one resident, who asked not to be identified. “It’s not the kind of situation where you can go knock on the door and ask them to keep it down. So our only choice was to keep quiet and just try to deal with it. It’s humiliating, too, to be so afraid of a guy who is such a pussy on the football field. I only wish we had a couple linebackers or safeties living here, because he would have dropped his beer and run for his life at the sight of those guys.”
Stevens, who is a free agent, is not expected to return to the Seahawks this year, and will probably move out of his condo when he signs with another team. To celebrate his imminent departure, his neighbors threw a massive block party last night, staying up until the wee hours of the morning drinking, dancing, and vomiting on Stevens’ patio. Police arrived later to join in the celebration.
“Yea, that piece of shit is leaving!” yelled 63-year-old Patricia Rashbrook before doing a keg stand. “Good riddance, Jerramy Stevens! Hopefully you’ll sign with a team in our division so we can all benefit from your dropped passes and gay-ass attempts at blocking. Ooh. I’m starting to feel a little queasy. I think those Buffalo wings are about to come up. Quick! Somebody get me to Jerramy’s front door. I want to add to the pile!”
This article is satire and is not intended as actual news. Meaning that its total crap.
ASTORIA, OR--Following the tight end’s arrest in Scottsdale for DUI and possession of marijuana last week, the huge, massive blowout scheduled to take place over the weekend at Jerramy Stevens’ condo in Astoria has been cancelled. A make-up date has not yet been announced.
A spokesman for Stevens this morning issued an apology to all those who planned to attend the party.
“Jerramy would like to apologize to all the friends and well-wishers who planned to attend his annual Spring Blowout this weekend,” the spokesman said. “He expects to return home shortly, at which point a make-up date may be announced. Please do not show up at his condominium complex and light fireworks on his patio. Also, don’t throw your used condoms on his neighbors’ property, because that kind of thing is frowned upon around here.”
Stevens’ condo is known for its awesome parties, which have drawn complaints and threats of legal action from his neighbors. Recently, stories have surfaced about loud fights, vandalism, trespassing, and all-night benders. Those complaints contributed to Stevens’ decision to cancel this weekend’s get together.
While his neighbors may be relieved about the cancellation, his friends are bitterly disappointed.
“What? The party’s been cancelled? Oh, that blows,” said 28-year-old Randall Knight, an acquaintance of Stevens. “Of all the parties he throws, the Spring Blowout is the absolute best. He has strippers, free booze, weed, ecstasy- anything you want. And the chicks! Wow. Last year I met this hottie from Oregon State, and she was like 20 years old, and we were just talking and dancing all night, and we totally hit it off. Then at the end of the night, we went into the bedroom and…well…I won’t get into the graphic details, but I will say that it involved her being unconscious.”
A year before, Stevens started the tradition of purchasing dozens of kegs and scattering them all across the condo complex, so partygoers could walk around and tap a keg whenever they needed a refill. The neighbors, surprisingly, never complained.
“I have to say that Jerramy’s neighbors are some seriously laid back people,” Knight said. “They pretty much give you free reign of the place. I remember one time I was pissing in this lady’s shrubs and I happened to be standing right outside her bedroom window and I saw her peeking out, and I though ‘Uh-oh. Busted.’ But all she did was shut her lights off and mutter ‘Please don’t hurt me.’ So I said ‘I can accommodate that,’ and I didn’t hurt her. See, this is how you build relationships with people.”
But Stevens’ neighbors tell a different story: one of fear, intimidation, and finally, anger.
“We put up with it for a long time because we were scared of the guy,” said one resident, who asked not to be identified. “It’s not the kind of situation where you can go knock on the door and ask them to keep it down. So our only choice was to keep quiet and just try to deal with it. It’s humiliating, too, to be so afraid of a guy who is such a pussy on the football field. I only wish we had a couple linebackers or safeties living here, because he would have dropped his beer and run for his life at the sight of those guys.”
Stevens, who is a free agent, is not expected to return to the Seahawks this year, and will probably move out of his condo when he signs with another team. To celebrate his imminent departure, his neighbors threw a massive block party last night, staying up until the wee hours of the morning drinking, dancing, and vomiting on Stevens’ patio. Police arrived later to join in the celebration.
“Yea, that piece of shit is leaving!” yelled 63-year-old Patricia Rashbrook before doing a keg stand. “Good riddance, Jerramy Stevens! Hopefully you’ll sign with a team in our division so we can all benefit from your dropped passes and gay-ass attempts at blocking. Ooh. I’m starting to feel a little queasy. I think those Buffalo wings are about to come up. Quick! Somebody get me to Jerramy’s front door. I want to add to the pile!”
This article is satire and is not intended as actual news. Meaning that its total crap.