SRJ
05-14-2007, 12:53 PM
One of my trusty operatives was hiding in a laundry basket inside the Suns locker room today just after shootaround. Expert in shorthand, this man took detailed notes on this morning's strategy session. I offer the transcription of the meeting below:
***
(D'ANTONI is carefully examining his mustache for ten minutes straight while the SUNS wait patiently. Finally, KURT THOMAS speaks)
THOMAS: Coach?
D'ANTONI: Oh, sorry Kit.
THOMAS: Kurt.
D'ANTONI: Kit, Kurt, who really cares? Can you shoot the three?
THOMAS: No.
D'ANTONI: Then what am I talking to you for? Hey listen, men - we got us a little bit of a situation tonight.
AMARE: Coach, Bruce Bowen fouled me and they didn't call anything.
D'ANTONI: That's nice, Amare, we'll get to that in a-
AMARE: (interrupting) Can I punch him in the face?
D'ANTONI: (annoyed) For the fifth time this week, Amare - no, you may not punch anyone in the face.
AMARE: Awwww.
D'ANTONI: 'Mare? Hey, if we lose you to a suspension, then who's gonna be out there dunking for me?
(AMARE smiles sheepishly)
D'ANTONI: Who's my big dunker? Who? Amare is, that's who! You are!
(AMARE looks pleased)
D'ANTONI: Now. We need to address the pick-and-roll sit-
MARION: (upset, interrupting) What about me??
D'ANTONI: Shawn, what's the matter?
MARION: Why is he always the big dunker? I'm a good dunker too!
D'ANTONI: Yeah, but Shawn -
MARION: Everybody on this team gets awards except me! Amare, Rookie of the Year, All-NBA first team. Barbosa, sixth man. Diaw, Most Improved. Nash, MVP! Twice!
NASH: (as if in answer, addresses room with glassy-eyed stare, using hushed, I-just-saw-a-ghost voice) It's the playoffs. It gets more physical, there aren't any excuses. You just have to play through it.
J. ROSE: Is he OK, coach?
D'ANTONI: He's still in press conference mode. He'll be fine. Anyway, Shawn - trust me, I know more than anyone that you're underappreciated. Remember, Amare's the big dunker. But you're the high flier! A lot of guys can jump straight up and dunk with two hands, but you can takeoff from the line! Now that's cool!
AMARE: Hey coach, what are you trying to-
D'ANTONI: (cuts him off with a "Not now" glare) So like I was saying, on our pick-and-roll sets, Bowen and Ginobili are tending under the screens.
RAJA: (repeatedly pounding his fist into his open palm) 'Ey coach, you wan' me to take care of dem, mon?
D'ANTONI: We've got a gameplan for that Raja, but thanks.
RAJA: (muttering) Seem like you could just pop dem a good one, but wha' do I know, eh?
SEAN MARKS: I used to play here coach, and I can tell you-
D'ANTONI: (interrupting) What's that? You have a question, Garfunkel?
(all the other SUNS laugh)
MARKS: (bitterly, under breath) It was funny the first hundred times...
J. ROSE: Coach, we can talk strategy and all that, but I think the best thing we can do is to just go out there and score more than they do!
SUNS: YEAH!
THOMAS: If we play our game, no one can stop us!
SUNS: YEAH!!
NASH: It was a tough play. I was going for the ball, Tony was making his move, and we collided. These things happen sometimes.
SUNS: YEAAAAAAHHH!
CARLOS ARROYO: LE'S GO GET THIS RINGS!!
(D'ANTONI smiles broadly as the Suns leave the locker room. After a minute, he resumes his detailed mustache examination)
***
(D'ANTONI is carefully examining his mustache for ten minutes straight while the SUNS wait patiently. Finally, KURT THOMAS speaks)
THOMAS: Coach?
D'ANTONI: Oh, sorry Kit.
THOMAS: Kurt.
D'ANTONI: Kit, Kurt, who really cares? Can you shoot the three?
THOMAS: No.
D'ANTONI: Then what am I talking to you for? Hey listen, men - we got us a little bit of a situation tonight.
AMARE: Coach, Bruce Bowen fouled me and they didn't call anything.
D'ANTONI: That's nice, Amare, we'll get to that in a-
AMARE: (interrupting) Can I punch him in the face?
D'ANTONI: (annoyed) For the fifth time this week, Amare - no, you may not punch anyone in the face.
AMARE: Awwww.
D'ANTONI: 'Mare? Hey, if we lose you to a suspension, then who's gonna be out there dunking for me?
(AMARE smiles sheepishly)
D'ANTONI: Who's my big dunker? Who? Amare is, that's who! You are!
(AMARE looks pleased)
D'ANTONI: Now. We need to address the pick-and-roll sit-
MARION: (upset, interrupting) What about me??
D'ANTONI: Shawn, what's the matter?
MARION: Why is he always the big dunker? I'm a good dunker too!
D'ANTONI: Yeah, but Shawn -
MARION: Everybody on this team gets awards except me! Amare, Rookie of the Year, All-NBA first team. Barbosa, sixth man. Diaw, Most Improved. Nash, MVP! Twice!
NASH: (as if in answer, addresses room with glassy-eyed stare, using hushed, I-just-saw-a-ghost voice) It's the playoffs. It gets more physical, there aren't any excuses. You just have to play through it.
J. ROSE: Is he OK, coach?
D'ANTONI: He's still in press conference mode. He'll be fine. Anyway, Shawn - trust me, I know more than anyone that you're underappreciated. Remember, Amare's the big dunker. But you're the high flier! A lot of guys can jump straight up and dunk with two hands, but you can takeoff from the line! Now that's cool!
AMARE: Hey coach, what are you trying to-
D'ANTONI: (cuts him off with a "Not now" glare) So like I was saying, on our pick-and-roll sets, Bowen and Ginobili are tending under the screens.
RAJA: (repeatedly pounding his fist into his open palm) 'Ey coach, you wan' me to take care of dem, mon?
D'ANTONI: We've got a gameplan for that Raja, but thanks.
RAJA: (muttering) Seem like you could just pop dem a good one, but wha' do I know, eh?
SEAN MARKS: I used to play here coach, and I can tell you-
D'ANTONI: (interrupting) What's that? You have a question, Garfunkel?
(all the other SUNS laugh)
MARKS: (bitterly, under breath) It was funny the first hundred times...
J. ROSE: Coach, we can talk strategy and all that, but I think the best thing we can do is to just go out there and score more than they do!
SUNS: YEAH!
THOMAS: If we play our game, no one can stop us!
SUNS: YEAH!!
NASH: It was a tough play. I was going for the ball, Tony was making his move, and we collided. These things happen sometimes.
SUNS: YEAAAAAAHHH!
CARLOS ARROYO: LE'S GO GET THIS RINGS!!
(D'ANTONI smiles broadly as the Suns leave the locker room. After a minute, he resumes his detailed mustache examination)