SRJ
06-04-2007, 04:36 PM
I need a press credential because I've got questions for everyone participating in the 2007 NBA Finals.
I'm an insightful person with a penetrating mind. I see the game in ways no one else has ever considered. I get down to the heart of the matter, though my will gets weak and ashes still scatter.
Deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on press row! You need me on press row!
However, I'm a lonely guy standing on the outside. Maybe if I post my questions here, a thoughtful reporter will pass them along while stealing the credit for them. Oh well - that'll happen. The important thing is that the questions get asked.
TIM DUNCAN
-When is your rap CD coming out?
-Any chance you'll go back to swimming again? Will USA Basketball and the US Swim Team enter into an protracted bidding war for your services?
-Since you've only played for one coach in your entire career, can we call you "Coach Killer" in a purely ironic way?
-Sometimes I watch games, and they'll show a cute blonde on the sidelines named Amy Duncan. You should totally go after her, dude. You can be like, "Oh wow. You and I, we totally have the same last name. Isn't that cool?", and then make out with her.
-How can you make a 21-foot wrong-footed fadeaway jumpshot while being fouled by Shaq in the closing seconds of a playoff game, then miss a first-quarter free throw in game nine of the regular season?
-Follow-up on that last question; Couldn't you just smack Chip Engelland? What a smug-looking bitch he is. Serious, just backhand him one.
LEBRON JAMES
-You are being fellated on the air every single night - so how does it feel to be the one to replace Chuck Norris as the punchline to all those macho jokes?
-Is Greg Oden your dad?
-I don't know if anyone else noticed this, but Michael Jordan also wore number 23. Which makes the comparisons even more awesome!
-Look - you're LeBron James; people will believe whatever you say. So don't you think Cleveland sucks? I mean, seriously? Are you going to have the team moved to Akron? You ought to.
-Isn't Daniel Gibson the one carrying this team?
-Do you have any fingernails left?
MANU GINOBILI
-Isn't it weird that no one has seen you and your wife together in the same place? Sure, there's pictures, but anyone can photoshop.
-Who's the better player, you or Tony Parker? Spurs fans never seem to want to discuss this.
-How do you get by people using a behind the back dribble that takes four seconds to execute? Is the defender laughing so hard that you get an opening?
-Do you like sardines? I love 'em.
-How come no commentator ever notices whenever you finish with the right hand? It's like they think left-handers are natural right-handers just trying to be weird.
-How am I doing? I'm good, man, thanks.
DREW GOODEN
-Did you notice that you missed a spot on the back of your head? Yeah, it's pretty hard to reach.
-Who would win in a street fight - Patricia Heaton or Dan Gilbert?
-Be honest - you were the guy who started calling it the Q, weren't you?
-How's that infected hair follicle?
-Please consider entering the NBA Skills Competition next year. I want to see how long it takes for you to do that bounce pass.
-If the Cavs win the Finals, will the universe collapse? It will, right?
TONY PARKER
-Did Malik Rose ever welch on a bet when he was a Spur?
-Have you and Gregg Popovich ever played one-on-one in practice? Who won?
-Does toilet water spin in the same direction in France? What do you mean, everyone pisses right in the street? Ewwwww!
-After Eva Longoria comes home from a workout, could you sneak her sweaty panties away and mail them to me?
-Could you please translate this French phrase for me? "Haw haw haw"
Do you have any bad days?
ZYDRUNAS ILGAUSKAS
-Could a Lithuanian become President one day? If so, would you consider running with Sarunas Marciulonis?
-Do you have your original feet anymore, or were they replaced by advanced prosthetics like Darth Vader?
-Should I name my first-born "Zydrunas"? What if it's a girl - is there a name like Zydrunas for girls?
-Fill in the blanks: _________ any _________ for _______ to ________ _________ applesauce __________.
-Have you played the Rachet and Clank games? They're good. Real good.
-How many fingers am I holding up?
BRUCE BOWEN
-How many players have you killed? Maimed?
-Are you and Ray Allen just pulling a big act, like two wrestlers do?
-That's the exact same mustache you've had since junior high, right? It's got to be.
-Whenever you're playing a game of chess with someone, do you just start grabbing their shirt and slapping their shoulders purely out of habit?
-Cauliflower or broccoli?
-How many days will you be renting this backhoe?
LARRY HUGHES
-Do you consider yourself to be a bad good player, or a good bad player? I think you are one of the very best bad players around.
-Aren't Mike Brown's teeth impressive?
-Why does stuff always come up on you during the playoffs? Can't you have just one uneventful, injury-free postseason?
-Do you prefer the metal or plastic Slinky?
-They have legal pads - is there some place one can get an illegal pad? That was funny, right?
-Is it Lille-HAHM-er or Lille-HAM-er?
FABRICIO OBERTO
-How many romance novels are you pictured on the cover for?
-Have the Oberto! Snacks people contacted you about an endorsement? What about Febreze representatives?
-Is it true Bugs Bunny inspired you to play basketball?
-If we locked you in a gym for 24 hours, would you score 20 points?
-Are you a Highlander?
-The following is your "night out" wardrobe: earth tones, wide collars, bell bottoms, open shirt with chest medallion, all polyester. Am I right?
SASHA PAVLOVIC
-Do you like Cajun food?
-Could you sneak out Eva Longoria's sweaty workout panties and mail them to me?
-Your name is a girl's name! Ewwww, you're gay!
-Who the hell are you?
-Seriously?
-Will that be fries or onion rings with that order?
MICHAEL FINLEY
-Do you ever pester Brent Barry for a slam dunk rematch?
-Any chance you could dribble the ball without swiveling on one leg?
ANDERSON VAREJAO
-Is your scalp the place Where The Red Fern Grows?
-Is it true you once went flying into the basket support during a game of HORSE?
BRENT BARRY
-Has Scooby given the snacks back to you?
-Who's the bigger horse's ass - your dad or brother Jon?
DANIEL GIBSON
-Don't you realize that if you had just played like a scrub, no one would know that your nickname is Boobie?
-Are you going to make an appearance in the 2007 NBA Championship DVD or not?
FRANCISCO ELSON
-Are you coached to stand around and fumble rebounds right out of bounds? If you are, then well done.
-Does it bother you that Michelle Wie has broader shoulders than you do?
DONYELL MARSHALL
-When was the last time you were fully awake?
-Start scoring off of Daniel Gibson passes - that way, commentators can make comments about the "Marshall-Gibson" combo, and me being a guitar guy will appreciate it.
ROBERT HORRY
-Did anyone ever mention that you look like DJ Jazzy Jeff? Well, you really don't, but I thought you might appreciate variety.
-Does your current contract with San Antonio fall into any sort of conflict with your deal with Satan?
ERIC SNOW
-Oh your jumper outside is frightful/but riding the pine's delightful/have they made you an assistant coach?/Eric Snow Eric Snow Eric Snow!
-Could you please retire? Just for my sake?
JACQUE VAUGHN
-How many people could say that they supplanted Beno Udrih from a roster? Well, OK - many people could, but how many have?
-How many times do you dive for a loose ball you have no shot at saving just so you can land in the laps of the Silver Dancers? You don't do that? Ewwwww, you're gay!
SCOTT POLLARD
-You're still alive?
-Doesn't it piss you off that Varejao has one wacky head of hair and gets serious minutes, but on the other hand, a few years back no one had a crazier scalp than you did and you never got any burn?
GREGG POPOVICH
-Now that you're in the Finals, would it kill you to wear a tie on the road?
-Did they have Clearasil when you were growing up?
MIKE BROWN
-Could you please play your home games in Oakland so we can get more sideline shots of Jessica Alba?
-Did you know you have other guys on the team that can score?
See? This is stuff people need to know.
I'm an insightful person with a penetrating mind. I see the game in ways no one else has ever considered. I get down to the heart of the matter, though my will gets weak and ashes still scatter.
Deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on press row! You need me on press row!
However, I'm a lonely guy standing on the outside. Maybe if I post my questions here, a thoughtful reporter will pass them along while stealing the credit for them. Oh well - that'll happen. The important thing is that the questions get asked.
TIM DUNCAN
-When is your rap CD coming out?
-Any chance you'll go back to swimming again? Will USA Basketball and the US Swim Team enter into an protracted bidding war for your services?
-Since you've only played for one coach in your entire career, can we call you "Coach Killer" in a purely ironic way?
-Sometimes I watch games, and they'll show a cute blonde on the sidelines named Amy Duncan. You should totally go after her, dude. You can be like, "Oh wow. You and I, we totally have the same last name. Isn't that cool?", and then make out with her.
-How can you make a 21-foot wrong-footed fadeaway jumpshot while being fouled by Shaq in the closing seconds of a playoff game, then miss a first-quarter free throw in game nine of the regular season?
-Follow-up on that last question; Couldn't you just smack Chip Engelland? What a smug-looking bitch he is. Serious, just backhand him one.
LEBRON JAMES
-You are being fellated on the air every single night - so how does it feel to be the one to replace Chuck Norris as the punchline to all those macho jokes?
-Is Greg Oden your dad?
-I don't know if anyone else noticed this, but Michael Jordan also wore number 23. Which makes the comparisons even more awesome!
-Look - you're LeBron James; people will believe whatever you say. So don't you think Cleveland sucks? I mean, seriously? Are you going to have the team moved to Akron? You ought to.
-Isn't Daniel Gibson the one carrying this team?
-Do you have any fingernails left?
MANU GINOBILI
-Isn't it weird that no one has seen you and your wife together in the same place? Sure, there's pictures, but anyone can photoshop.
-Who's the better player, you or Tony Parker? Spurs fans never seem to want to discuss this.
-How do you get by people using a behind the back dribble that takes four seconds to execute? Is the defender laughing so hard that you get an opening?
-Do you like sardines? I love 'em.
-How come no commentator ever notices whenever you finish with the right hand? It's like they think left-handers are natural right-handers just trying to be weird.
-How am I doing? I'm good, man, thanks.
DREW GOODEN
-Did you notice that you missed a spot on the back of your head? Yeah, it's pretty hard to reach.
-Who would win in a street fight - Patricia Heaton or Dan Gilbert?
-Be honest - you were the guy who started calling it the Q, weren't you?
-How's that infected hair follicle?
-Please consider entering the NBA Skills Competition next year. I want to see how long it takes for you to do that bounce pass.
-If the Cavs win the Finals, will the universe collapse? It will, right?
TONY PARKER
-Did Malik Rose ever welch on a bet when he was a Spur?
-Have you and Gregg Popovich ever played one-on-one in practice? Who won?
-Does toilet water spin in the same direction in France? What do you mean, everyone pisses right in the street? Ewwwww!
-After Eva Longoria comes home from a workout, could you sneak her sweaty panties away and mail them to me?
-Could you please translate this French phrase for me? "Haw haw haw"
Do you have any bad days?
ZYDRUNAS ILGAUSKAS
-Could a Lithuanian become President one day? If so, would you consider running with Sarunas Marciulonis?
-Do you have your original feet anymore, or were they replaced by advanced prosthetics like Darth Vader?
-Should I name my first-born "Zydrunas"? What if it's a girl - is there a name like Zydrunas for girls?
-Fill in the blanks: _________ any _________ for _______ to ________ _________ applesauce __________.
-Have you played the Rachet and Clank games? They're good. Real good.
-How many fingers am I holding up?
BRUCE BOWEN
-How many players have you killed? Maimed?
-Are you and Ray Allen just pulling a big act, like two wrestlers do?
-That's the exact same mustache you've had since junior high, right? It's got to be.
-Whenever you're playing a game of chess with someone, do you just start grabbing their shirt and slapping their shoulders purely out of habit?
-Cauliflower or broccoli?
-How many days will you be renting this backhoe?
LARRY HUGHES
-Do you consider yourself to be a bad good player, or a good bad player? I think you are one of the very best bad players around.
-Aren't Mike Brown's teeth impressive?
-Why does stuff always come up on you during the playoffs? Can't you have just one uneventful, injury-free postseason?
-Do you prefer the metal or plastic Slinky?
-They have legal pads - is there some place one can get an illegal pad? That was funny, right?
-Is it Lille-HAHM-er or Lille-HAM-er?
FABRICIO OBERTO
-How many romance novels are you pictured on the cover for?
-Have the Oberto! Snacks people contacted you about an endorsement? What about Febreze representatives?
-Is it true Bugs Bunny inspired you to play basketball?
-If we locked you in a gym for 24 hours, would you score 20 points?
-Are you a Highlander?
-The following is your "night out" wardrobe: earth tones, wide collars, bell bottoms, open shirt with chest medallion, all polyester. Am I right?
SASHA PAVLOVIC
-Do you like Cajun food?
-Could you sneak out Eva Longoria's sweaty workout panties and mail them to me?
-Your name is a girl's name! Ewwww, you're gay!
-Who the hell are you?
-Seriously?
-Will that be fries or onion rings with that order?
MICHAEL FINLEY
-Do you ever pester Brent Barry for a slam dunk rematch?
-Any chance you could dribble the ball without swiveling on one leg?
ANDERSON VAREJAO
-Is your scalp the place Where The Red Fern Grows?
-Is it true you once went flying into the basket support during a game of HORSE?
BRENT BARRY
-Has Scooby given the snacks back to you?
-Who's the bigger horse's ass - your dad or brother Jon?
DANIEL GIBSON
-Don't you realize that if you had just played like a scrub, no one would know that your nickname is Boobie?
-Are you going to make an appearance in the 2007 NBA Championship DVD or not?
FRANCISCO ELSON
-Are you coached to stand around and fumble rebounds right out of bounds? If you are, then well done.
-Does it bother you that Michelle Wie has broader shoulders than you do?
DONYELL MARSHALL
-When was the last time you were fully awake?
-Start scoring off of Daniel Gibson passes - that way, commentators can make comments about the "Marshall-Gibson" combo, and me being a guitar guy will appreciate it.
ROBERT HORRY
-Did anyone ever mention that you look like DJ Jazzy Jeff? Well, you really don't, but I thought you might appreciate variety.
-Does your current contract with San Antonio fall into any sort of conflict with your deal with Satan?
ERIC SNOW
-Oh your jumper outside is frightful/but riding the pine's delightful/have they made you an assistant coach?/Eric Snow Eric Snow Eric Snow!
-Could you please retire? Just for my sake?
JACQUE VAUGHN
-How many people could say that they supplanted Beno Udrih from a roster? Well, OK - many people could, but how many have?
-How many times do you dive for a loose ball you have no shot at saving just so you can land in the laps of the Silver Dancers? You don't do that? Ewwwww, you're gay!
SCOTT POLLARD
-You're still alive?
-Doesn't it piss you off that Varejao has one wacky head of hair and gets serious minutes, but on the other hand, a few years back no one had a crazier scalp than you did and you never got any burn?
GREGG POPOVICH
-Now that you're in the Finals, would it kill you to wear a tie on the road?
-Did they have Clearasil when you were growing up?
MIKE BROWN
-Could you please play your home games in Oakland so we can get more sideline shots of Jessica Alba?
-Did you know you have other guys on the team that can score?
See? This is stuff people need to know.