nkdlunch
06-12-2007, 10:27 AM
The Debriefing: Eight Ways the Cavs Can Get Back in the Series
Posted Jun 12th 2007 9:00AM by mjd
Filed under: Cavaliers, Spurs, NBA Playoffs, Featured Stories
Having been crushed twice, things might appear to be hopeless for the Cleveland Cavaliers. LeBron James hasn't been himself, San Antonio is shredding the normally stout Cleveland defense, and there's been no indication that things are going to get better.
It's time to think outside the box. There are solutions for the Cavs ... but they aren't the kinds of things that Mike Brown can diagram on a dry-erase board. Here are 8 things the Cavs can do to salvage some self-respect.
1. Fake the Death of Owner Dan Gilbert, Say That His Ex-Showgirl Wife Rachel Phelps Has Inherited the Team.
Then you get a cardboard cutout of her and put it in the locker room, with four removable pieces of clothing on her. And with every game the Cavs win, they remove a piece of clothing. This has traditionally been a very successful strategy in Cleveland sports, and it has the added benefit of allowing Donyell Marshall to be able to look at a naked woman without paying for it. It also might not hurt to hire James Gannon as head coach.
2. Speed the Game Up.
And when I say "speed the game up," I'm talking about taking Coach Mike Brown's playbook and setting it on fire. Before tip-off, give Brown a Sudoku puzzle or something, and he'll be occupied for the next six hours ... and just let LeBron James completely run the game his way, pick-up style.
He'll pick the tempo (somewhere above the glacial pace they go with right now), and who he plays with (this may include a few 10-day contracts being issued to a handful of his St. Vincent-St. Mary's teammates). Any traditional basketball play that the Cavs use, the Spurs are clearly ready for. So let LeBron run it like a pick-up game.
I'm sort of kidding about this, but I'm sort of not. I do believe it would actually give them a better chance to win. They can't beat the Spurs in any sort of traditional basketball game.
3. Keep LeBron James Away From Terrell Owens
I can't tell you that Terrell Owens has had any sort of negative effect on LeBron James performance in this series, but ... I do know that no good can come from this. If this was anyone other than LeBron James, the Cavs front office might want to consider a new team policy that fines any player $100,000 for being within 30 yards of Terrell Owens. Again, I can't stress this enough ... no good can come from this.
4. Make the Spurs Play Uphill.
I mean literally. Tilt the court at about a 20-degree angle, making the Spurs run uphill towards their goal.
This is the city of Cleveland we're talking about ... it's not like anyone would have a hard time believing that their building has structural problems. Ask Ichiro. Already in the playoffs, their entire scoreboard/clock system has failed, and chunks of the roof have fallen onto the court. This wouldn't be that big of a stretch.
5. Tank Game 3.
Hear me out on this one. I know it seems counterintuitive ... why tank when you're naturally that inferior? Would anyone actually notice if the Cavs tanked?
But here's why you do it. As long as the Cavs keep trying, the Spurs keep trying. The Spurs aren't a team that ever lets their foot off the gas pedal. After the Game 3 thrashing, they were chastising themselves for not playing a complete game and allowing 59 second half points.
So the Cavs have got to come out in Game Three, and show absolutely no fight. Give a total Richie Tenenbaum performance. Lose 185-14, and in the process, convince the Spurs that Game 4 will be even easier.
And then when Game 4 rolls around, you give every fan a free Pepsi laced with cocaine, you get the place absolutely jumping, and you'll will probably be able to surprise the Spurs and jump out to a big first-quarter lead.
See if you can hold on to it, maybe the momentum and confidence carries over to Game 5 (larger doses of cocaine may be necessary, which in turn may necessitate hiring Roy Tarpley as a temporary assistant coach), and then suddenly you've got a 3-2 series. They'll still probably lose, but hey, it beats a sweep.
6. Bloody Tony Parker.
I shouldn't even have to recommend this. Anytime a player is torching you off the dribble, getting into the paint at will, and finishing at the basket ... shouldn't it just be a natural response to clobber him a few times, and see if he's still so willing to go to the rack?
Ira Newble would do it. Hell, forget about Ira Newble ... honestly, other than LeBron, Daniel Gibson, and Anderson Varejao, who on the Cavs roster could they not live without?
I don't care about any fines or suspensions or developing a reputation as a dirty team. It all beats developing a reputation as the worst team to ever play in the NBA Finals.
What's the worst that could happen? A useless player gets suspended for the rest of the series? Tony Parker gets fired up, fights back, and torches the Cavs even harder? Yeah, the French are famous for that. And if either of those things did happen ... that's about exactly where we are right now anyway.
7. Have Anderson Varejao Call Some Argentinian Thug Friends, and Kidnap Tim Duncan. (what a dumbass :donkey )
There's been a rash of kidnappings in the Argentinian sports world ... about 10 times a year, a player or a member of a players family will be kidnapped and held for ransom. Given Anderson Varejao's dirty and dishonest approach to basketball, I'm guessing he's a close personal friend with some of the thugs responsible.
It may be time to move the business to the United States. Carlos Delfino isn't busy, we could get him involved. Anderson's brother, former West Virginia forward Sandro Varejao, is probably available for a kidnapping these days. It might be sort of expensive to orchestrate a high-profile kidnapping like that ... if it's too pricey to make Duncan disappear, have them nab Larry Hughes. No one will pay a ransom for him, but it might be just as helpful for the Cavs.
I actually wouldn't mind seeing this happen ... I'm curious to see how effective Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili would be without Tim Duncan on the court opening things up for everyone else.
8. LeBron James Attempts to Sleep with Eva Longoria.
It really wouldn't take much. Before the game, LeBron goes over to talk to Eva Longoria, just to give a friendly, good-natured greeting ... he chats her up, turns on the charm, kisses her cheek, and on the way out of the conversation, he slyly sneaks in a little pat.
Then, as he walks away, he makes a face towards the camera like, "Damn, she's fine," then he whispers something in the ear of Scot Pollard, who then starts doing this.
Naturally, all this is caught on camera ... the media would love a LeBron/Eva photo op, and Eva loves any sort of attention. You play the video on the Jumbotron every time Tony Parker is introduced or even touches the basketball. And sure, this might shatter a perfectly happy engagement, but if it distracts Tony Parker and throws him off his game ... hey, you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.
Posted Jun 12th 2007 9:00AM by mjd
Filed under: Cavaliers, Spurs, NBA Playoffs, Featured Stories
Having been crushed twice, things might appear to be hopeless for the Cleveland Cavaliers. LeBron James hasn't been himself, San Antonio is shredding the normally stout Cleveland defense, and there's been no indication that things are going to get better.
It's time to think outside the box. There are solutions for the Cavs ... but they aren't the kinds of things that Mike Brown can diagram on a dry-erase board. Here are 8 things the Cavs can do to salvage some self-respect.
1. Fake the Death of Owner Dan Gilbert, Say That His Ex-Showgirl Wife Rachel Phelps Has Inherited the Team.
Then you get a cardboard cutout of her and put it in the locker room, with four removable pieces of clothing on her. And with every game the Cavs win, they remove a piece of clothing. This has traditionally been a very successful strategy in Cleveland sports, and it has the added benefit of allowing Donyell Marshall to be able to look at a naked woman without paying for it. It also might not hurt to hire James Gannon as head coach.
2. Speed the Game Up.
And when I say "speed the game up," I'm talking about taking Coach Mike Brown's playbook and setting it on fire. Before tip-off, give Brown a Sudoku puzzle or something, and he'll be occupied for the next six hours ... and just let LeBron James completely run the game his way, pick-up style.
He'll pick the tempo (somewhere above the glacial pace they go with right now), and who he plays with (this may include a few 10-day contracts being issued to a handful of his St. Vincent-St. Mary's teammates). Any traditional basketball play that the Cavs use, the Spurs are clearly ready for. So let LeBron run it like a pick-up game.
I'm sort of kidding about this, but I'm sort of not. I do believe it would actually give them a better chance to win. They can't beat the Spurs in any sort of traditional basketball game.
3. Keep LeBron James Away From Terrell Owens
I can't tell you that Terrell Owens has had any sort of negative effect on LeBron James performance in this series, but ... I do know that no good can come from this. If this was anyone other than LeBron James, the Cavs front office might want to consider a new team policy that fines any player $100,000 for being within 30 yards of Terrell Owens. Again, I can't stress this enough ... no good can come from this.
4. Make the Spurs Play Uphill.
I mean literally. Tilt the court at about a 20-degree angle, making the Spurs run uphill towards their goal.
This is the city of Cleveland we're talking about ... it's not like anyone would have a hard time believing that their building has structural problems. Ask Ichiro. Already in the playoffs, their entire scoreboard/clock system has failed, and chunks of the roof have fallen onto the court. This wouldn't be that big of a stretch.
5. Tank Game 3.
Hear me out on this one. I know it seems counterintuitive ... why tank when you're naturally that inferior? Would anyone actually notice if the Cavs tanked?
But here's why you do it. As long as the Cavs keep trying, the Spurs keep trying. The Spurs aren't a team that ever lets their foot off the gas pedal. After the Game 3 thrashing, they were chastising themselves for not playing a complete game and allowing 59 second half points.
So the Cavs have got to come out in Game Three, and show absolutely no fight. Give a total Richie Tenenbaum performance. Lose 185-14, and in the process, convince the Spurs that Game 4 will be even easier.
And then when Game 4 rolls around, you give every fan a free Pepsi laced with cocaine, you get the place absolutely jumping, and you'll will probably be able to surprise the Spurs and jump out to a big first-quarter lead.
See if you can hold on to it, maybe the momentum and confidence carries over to Game 5 (larger doses of cocaine may be necessary, which in turn may necessitate hiring Roy Tarpley as a temporary assistant coach), and then suddenly you've got a 3-2 series. They'll still probably lose, but hey, it beats a sweep.
6. Bloody Tony Parker.
I shouldn't even have to recommend this. Anytime a player is torching you off the dribble, getting into the paint at will, and finishing at the basket ... shouldn't it just be a natural response to clobber him a few times, and see if he's still so willing to go to the rack?
Ira Newble would do it. Hell, forget about Ira Newble ... honestly, other than LeBron, Daniel Gibson, and Anderson Varejao, who on the Cavs roster could they not live without?
I don't care about any fines or suspensions or developing a reputation as a dirty team. It all beats developing a reputation as the worst team to ever play in the NBA Finals.
What's the worst that could happen? A useless player gets suspended for the rest of the series? Tony Parker gets fired up, fights back, and torches the Cavs even harder? Yeah, the French are famous for that. And if either of those things did happen ... that's about exactly where we are right now anyway.
7. Have Anderson Varejao Call Some Argentinian Thug Friends, and Kidnap Tim Duncan. (what a dumbass :donkey )
There's been a rash of kidnappings in the Argentinian sports world ... about 10 times a year, a player or a member of a players family will be kidnapped and held for ransom. Given Anderson Varejao's dirty and dishonest approach to basketball, I'm guessing he's a close personal friend with some of the thugs responsible.
It may be time to move the business to the United States. Carlos Delfino isn't busy, we could get him involved. Anderson's brother, former West Virginia forward Sandro Varejao, is probably available for a kidnapping these days. It might be sort of expensive to orchestrate a high-profile kidnapping like that ... if it's too pricey to make Duncan disappear, have them nab Larry Hughes. No one will pay a ransom for him, but it might be just as helpful for the Cavs.
I actually wouldn't mind seeing this happen ... I'm curious to see how effective Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili would be without Tim Duncan on the court opening things up for everyone else.
8. LeBron James Attempts to Sleep with Eva Longoria.
It really wouldn't take much. Before the game, LeBron goes over to talk to Eva Longoria, just to give a friendly, good-natured greeting ... he chats her up, turns on the charm, kisses her cheek, and on the way out of the conversation, he slyly sneaks in a little pat.
Then, as he walks away, he makes a face towards the camera like, "Damn, she's fine," then he whispers something in the ear of Scot Pollard, who then starts doing this.
Naturally, all this is caught on camera ... the media would love a LeBron/Eva photo op, and Eva loves any sort of attention. You play the video on the Jumbotron every time Tony Parker is introduced or even touches the basketball. And sure, this might shatter a perfectly happy engagement, but if it distracts Tony Parker and throws him off his game ... hey, you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.