Niggaslike.us NBA Teams Preview

[Duncanoypi]

http://www.niggaslike.us/camp2004-pacific.html



Golden State Warriors

Speedy Claxton - He sure is fun to watch for those 30 games a season until his body completely falls apart.

Troy Murphy - Troy Murphy, allow me to introduce you to my friend. His name is blocked shots. I know you two have never met but I hope you will get along in the near future!

Los Angeles Clippers

Rick Brunson - Your 3rd team is always in good hands with Rick Brunson: Garbage Time Superstar Extraordinairre.

Marko Jaric - The Clippers might figure out that he’s not a point guard this year but don’t count on it.

Shaun Livingston - I’m shocked that the Clippers didn’t include Marko Jaric in their long-term plans. Aren’t you?

Bobby Simmons - What is a jump shot? Don’t ask Bobby because he doesn’t know either.

Los Angeles Lakers

Chris Mihm - A big guy that can’t make a lay-up is a valuable asset to a running team!

Lamar Odom - Los Angeles always treats Lamar so well. Welcome back, prodigal son!

Kareem Rush - Keep shooting, Kareem! One of them will fall!

Brian Grant - When I see “Center” and “6’9” together I get a tear in my eye. It reminds me that there's still a place in this league for Robert Traylor.

Vlade Divac - The Lakers are running a lot in the preseason? Not on Vlade’s watch!

Caron Butler - Hi Caron. Mind showing up this year?

Phoenix Suns

Zarko Cabarkapa - As long as you don’t foul him on fast breaks, word has it that Zarko is a good player.

Jake Voskuhl - I don’t even think Phoenix realizes that there is a center position in the NBA

Quentin Richardson - Jack up 3-pointers left and right and the Suns will give you $50 million. You don’t even need to hit 40% of your overall field goals either, they’ll overlook that.

Sacramento Kings

Doug Christie - I thought about making a Doug Christie’s wife joke but that’s pretty weak. His overall game is a big enough joke nowadays. Team Clutch is happy to have you aboard, Doug.

Courtney Alexander - Injuries, shátty attitude, underachievement: Courtney Alexander knows not of these things!

Dallas Mavericks

Erick Dampier - He’ll have his next double-double season 7 years from now.

Derek Hood - Just a quick tip to those trying out for the Mavericks: Don’t. They have 26 guaranteed contracts so what makes you think they’ll sign you?

Jerry Stackhouse - He might be shooting 3 for 18 but he’s still warming up!

Dan Dickau - Next stop: whatever team will take him

Houston Rockets

Ryan Bowen - Hurry up and run after that ball, Ryan! It contains the magical recipe to an NBA career without having any talent whatsoever!

Jim Jackson - Shoot 3’s and crash the boards: The life of a 34 year old swingman

Yao Ming - One day Yao might figure out that he shouldn’t bring the ball down low when he’s making a low post move. I know the guards in China might be short and all but it’s just common sense. Oh, and Yao is the most overrated player in the league.

Vassilis Spanoulis - Sounds like a vaginal disease. I wonder if he hangs out with Juwan a lot

Maurice Taylor - Did he actually come to training camp in shape? Nothing gets you more focused than knowing Juwan Howard wants your starting spot!

Memphis Grizzlies

Brian Cardinal - The Custodian is back! He can even bring his broom when Memphis gets swept again!

Lorenzen Wright - Lorenzen is back for another 50 games until he hurts something in his body that doesn’t exist.

Pau Gasol - New contract means he can stop telling the fans that he’ll work on being more aggressive in the paint

New Orleans Hornets

Chris Andersen - New Orleans’ big offseason acquisition!

Tremaine Fowlkes - What are you doing on someone’s active roster? Did someone leave the injured list unlocked?

Jamaal Magloire - Jamaal doesn’t even leave his feet most of the time and he was an all star in the east

San Antonio Spurs

Devin Brown - He actually played really well in the playoffs last year despite not owning a jump shot at all. They don’t teach that in the NBDL anyway so who cares

Tim Duncan - Tim Duncan should have won the MVP because he doesn’t touch people in their private parts

Robert Horry - You can’t make a big shot anymore, Rob? Well, just try making any kind of shot then. We’re still waiting

Tony Massenburg - Massenburg is Swahili for “does not pass the ball”

Rasho Nesterovic - Casper the timid white center

Tony Parker - Oui oui I cannot believe San Antonio is paying this kid $70 million dollars to just dump the ball down low to Duncan

Viktor Sanikidze - 6’8 and not even 200lbs. Awesome.


http://www.niggaslike.us/camp2004-northwest.html


Denver Nuggets

Carmelo Anthony - Remember last year when everyone thought Carmelo was better than LeBron? An entire summer of whining can change a lot of things!

Nene - It must be difficult to be 6’11 and only get 6 rebounds a game but Nene somehow has the courage to do so.

Kenyon Martin - $86 million can probably buy a lot of wannabe thug tattoos

Andre Miller - How did you go from averaging 10 assists on the Cavs to a ‘scoring point guard’, Andre? How can you not average at least 9 assists on this team?

Rodney White - Stop kidding yourself, you’re not a guard!

Minnesota Timberwolves

Eddie Griffin - Eddie is like that really hot girl that you want to fụck even though you know she has herpes. But you know, in the basketball sense.

Fred Hoiberg - The mayor of Athleticville. Population: Everyone but Hoiberg

Ervin Johnson - He’s 7 feet of gentle spirituality! Just what you want out of your center in the western conference

Michael Olowokandi - My favorite part of reading NBA previews on various websites is when they mention Olowokandi breaking out. Seriously, it never gets old.

Latrell Sprewell - Oh, he wants a $40 million extension? Well I’d like YOU to say no to a guy that choked his coach.

Portland Trailblazers

Derek Anderson - So which injury is it going to be this year, Derek? Knee? Back? Roll them dice!

Viktor Khryapa - His last name sort of sounds like the word crap. Hmmm

Ruben Patterson - I’ll go ahead and ask since nobody else will: Isn’t it weird how Patterson was known as the Kobe stopper and how they’re linked together by that? Now what happens if you leave them both alone in a room with a 19-year-old?

Zach Randolph - If I’m Portland I’d be more worried about those 5 turnovers a game than the trouble he’s had with the law. NBA stardom is a get out of jail free card that never expires, right Jayson?

Seattle Sonics

Danny Fortson - Wow, he’s 6’8 now? It’s so weird how these guys grow another two inches when they get that magical letter C listed as a possible position.

Jerome James - Another year of tremendous upside potential for Seattle fans to enjoy.

Rashard Lewis - Why won’t you ever drive to the basket, Rashard? Just once? No?

Vitaly Potapenko - You play in the where? The paint? Please clarify; Seattle management doesn’t know what you’re talking about

Luke Ridnour - What a playmaker! He played himself right out of the rotation again!

Utah Jazz

Carlos Boozer - I think Cleveland should go ahead and chance it in 2006 and let LeBron become a free agent so they can sign him to the mid-level exception. Think about what a bargain it would be!

Gordan Giricek - Who else can score 30 points one night and then shoot 0-11 the next?

Andrei Kirilenko - Carmelo Anthony wouldn’t leave his hotel room in Greece and it’s all because of you, Andrei! Why didn’t you give up your All-Star Game roster spot? ¹sshole!

[Pandaemonaeon]

Jason Kidd's "My dirty secret revealed!" (http://www.niggaslike.us/kidd-shooting.html)


People always ask me "Jason, why do your shooting percentages compare to my brother who is in the local YMCA wheelchair league?" and I always reply with "no comment". But not today my friends! Today I will reveal the horrible truth behind my shooting percentages over the years.

The reason for my shitty shooting is my wife.

Now picture this: You are coming home from a hard day of work where you made a approximately $15,000 in one day and there's your wife just loafing around washing dishes. God damnit, I'm hungry and Jason Kidd needs his gummy bears and chocolate milk! So, naturally, I slapped the shit out of her. Unfortunately this happens quite often and, as a result, my hand starts to swell up a bit. Then I have to go out and play an NBA game with a swelled hand and people wonder why my FG% suffers. You figure it out Einstein!

----

Do you hate Chad Ford? I know I do!

Chad Ford's "I've found talent!" (http://www.niggaslike.us/ford-talent.html)


Hey folks, ESPN Insider writer here and superstar in the flesh, Chad Ford. I travel up and down the globe following various basketball experts and incessantly bug them about what they might do with that 12th man on the end of the bench that was drafted 3 years ago from Lithuania but hasn’t played yet. I have contributed to the European invasion of mediocre basketball talent for as long as I can remember and I don’t play on stopping!

I have another source, who keeps his ear very low to the ground, telling me that the overnight sensation from Libya, Karusalav Hornochevski, is thinking about entering the 2005 NBA Draft. If this is true, the NBA may have a new LeBron James. The skillset of this big man are not comparable to anyone in the league. With the New Orleans Hornets searching for a big man to replace Jamaal Magloire after I keep writing about how he needs to be traded, will the Big Easy be the place for Hornochevski? I caught up with the big man as he was just waking up from his home: a small tent in the middle of the Polish woods.

Day 3: Today seems to be a very slow day so I just sat around the campfire and explained the NBA’s collective bargaining agreement to Karusalav. He had a million questions so it’s a good thing that I’m the expert! I explained to him that there are mid-level exceptions along with rookie salary caps (boy, he didn’t like THAT one!) and even a luxury tax. By the end of the day, Hornochevski was knocked out cold! I must’ve filled his brain up much like he could be filling the lane on a fast break at this time next year! I am salivating at this point!

Are the Nets going to cut costs again? Rumor has it that the towel boy wants a raise and Bruce Ratner is saying no! It’s not so much as the towel boy wants a raise; he just doesn’t understand why he has to buy his own towels. “I know that it’s a privilege to be so close to so many athletes but… why do I have to pay for the towels? Can’t Vince Carter spring for a towel or two?” Insider caught up with Vince and asked him about the towel civil war that was tearing the Nets franchise apart but he was too busy trying to pick a song to listen to on his iPod and, upon doing so, wasn’t paying attention and tripped, tearing his ACL. Insider hears from it’s sources that Vince may be prone to injury.

Minnesota is looking to shake things up and have been dangling malcontent star Latrell Sprewell. Contract extension negotiations broke off late Saturday afternoon when Latrell ran out of poverty metaphors. “I’m like Spud Webb man; I’m an underdog. Underdogs don’t take no $22 million.” New York is said to be offering Kurt Thomas while Dallas is offering Tariq Abdul-Wahad.

[zeleni]

that's 2 cruel

[Pandaemonaeon]

It makes sense you know! Kidd does shoot awfully bad and Joumana's cheek is the reason for it!

[MI21]

Am I the only one who noticed the name of the site?

[Kori Ellis]

Am I the only one who noticed the name of the site?

No, that's the first thing I noticed, seeing as it's in the thread title.

[Solid D]

Lame. Very lame. So very..... November. Devin Brown was one of the few Spurs that could hit a jumper in the playoffs. His j is almost like a layup. Besides Viktor Sanikidze is barely out of middle school. Way to go, listing him as a member of the Spurs.

[T Park]

Another clown that posts something on a racist web site.

Lovely.

[Pandaemonaeon]

Kobe signs with L.A. (http://www.niggaslike.us/kobe-sign.html)

“I didn’t want to play in the same league as Shaq.” Kobe stated. “It may sound a little silly and childish but if you think this sounds childish then just read over my entire NBA career.

First, I refused to play for the original team that drafted me and demanded that I be traded to the Lakers. Secondly I ran off Del Harris and complained constantly about having to play point guard even though it was the best way for me to get minutes at the time. Third, I forced Eddie Jones out of the organization even though, at the time, he was much better than I was. Fourth, I refused to concede that the Laker championship teams, despite the well-known fact that just about every team that won a title had a dominant big man unless that team contained Michael Jordan, belonged to Shaq. In doing so I hindered the Lakers as a team throughout the years by taking far too many shots and not giving the ball to the most dominating force on the planet. And lastly, I ran a coach out of town who just happened to have won 9 championships.”

“So when you take all of that into account then you probably won’t be so shocked by this. Also, I did rape that girl.”

“We love Kobe Bryant!” said a very energetic Stanislav Medvedenko, who claims to have actually been a member of the Los Angeles Lakers but this has yet to be confirmed. “Kobe does moves on court like Michael Jordan. I like Jordan, don’t you? Yes to Michael! Kobe! I need more shots! Where is ball? No?”

[Phonzie20]

"Kenyon Martin - $86 million can probably buy a lot of wannabe thug tattoos"

lol..notice how half the nuggets starting lineup has their own fucking name tattooed on their arm

We never said they were smart. It helps them to 'remember'.

[RobinsontoDuncan]

Lmao ^ :)