Someday, when I’m GM of the Spurs I’ll hire the folks from Spurstalk

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

Here’s who’ll be on my staff:

Director of Media Relations – Ducks – having Ducks in charge of all my press releases should ensure that we stay CIA. Navajo codetalkers won’t even know what we’re up to.

Team Physician 1- Admiral – Life hasn’t been the same without my wingman. If he isn’t done with medical school yet he can practice his surgical skills on millionaire ballplayers…I’m sure they’ll be fine with that.

Team Physician 2 – JimCS50 – Yes, I know he’s a dentist, but I’m sure his medical training will allow him to treat whatever could happen to someone on a basketball court. How difficult can it be assess a high ankle sprain? It’s so simple a dentist could do it.

Head Athletic Trainer – ShoogarBear – I know Shoog has some sort of medical or physical therapy background, only I’m not really sure what he does exactly. He’s kind of like Chandler on Friends in that respect. I figure if he can shoot the cortisone shots it’s all good. Our team just has a bunch of foreign floppers anyway, so there really won’t be any real injuries to worry about.

Strength and Conditioning Coach – GIG – I want all my players to be able to jump as high as him….I just hope the players don’t all bulk up like he has. I hope GIG isn’t linked to Balko anytime soon. Optional replacement for the same reasons: Norcal.

Basketball Operations Assistant – Cosmic Cowboy – Since I’ll really be handling most of the basketball operations as the GM anyway I just need someone in this spot who’ll be fun to party with. If half of Cosmic’s tales are true I want to hang out with this guy!

Assistant GM – Kori Ellis is a no brainer for this job. Much like Sam Presti, she’ll be the power behind the throne, and I’ll simply take all the credit for all her great ideas.

Director of College Player Personnel/Scouting – Timvp in this position should ensure that my team won’t ever draft another Marcus Williams. MarcusBryant will be a good replacement after another team hires Timvp away to be their GM within six months.

Shooting Coach – T Park apparently can shoot some mean halftime contest hoop. That’s all the evidence I need to hire him as my shooting coach.

Director of Pro Player Personnel – Sequ, the obvious choice. If anyone can relate to today’s NBA player, it’s SequSpur. And, as a failsafe, if player mutiny is afoot, Sequ is the perfect height to go around and give the players each a pacifying hummer. Worst case, he can entertain the troops by farting corn kernels.

Director of Foreign Player Development – Angel Luv – She’ll be able to keep me updated on which Slovenian player looks the hottest in his uniform. Important information if the team is ever involved in a “pose-off”.

3rd Assistant Coach – Whottt – In case things go badly I need a scapegoat on my staff that I can blame for any poor decisions that I make. Since no one would believe it if I blamed my assistant GM, I’ll need Whottt around.

2nd Assistant Coach – CoachTF – This team needs one real coach.

Assistant Head Coach – AggieHoopsfan – Most of the time I agree with his opinions. His occasional hot head makes me a little hesitant to make him the head coach, but as the top assistant he should be able to enrage at least one player enough to result in his being choked a time or two. The entertainment value in that alone is worth the hire. I considered Ghostwriter for this position, only I knew I’d probably only have him around for two or three games a year.

Head Coach – Solid D – Hopefully I won’t have to fire him thirteen games into the season and replace him with myself because this could severely strain our friendship.

[SpursWoman]

:lmao

[ShoogarBear]

:lmao

You can't have whottt without having Chump in that assistant coach mix, too. I hope Solid has a strong stomach.

Also, since you have astutely recognized that you want to have to do as little work as possible, you need a salary cap guru like Bruno or one of the other local wonks.

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

I'd work on that team for free for the sheer entertainment value.

[ShoogarBear]

Chopper is the GM. I'm pretty sure we'd all be working for free.

[MoSpur]

LOL at the GIG and Norcal idea.

[Spurminator]

Whottt needs to be in a position where he would be handling press conferences. I'd make him figurehead Head Coach for that reason alone.

[Brutalis]

Brutalis will be overseas finding Euro duds for ya.

[spurscenter]

Ill be the Chinese Translator for Mexican Players

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

Chopper is the GM. I'm pretty sure we'd all be working for free.
Well, the price is right. If Holt finds this thread you might have just signed the pink slips for the entire current Spurs staff.

[Solid D]

:lol Sooo, I am the next Tark, eh? You need more women on your team, though.

Great idea threads like this one can really help us to congeal after our meltdowns.

[Marcus Bryant]

Whottt needs to be in a position where he would be handling press conferences. I'd make him figurehead Head Coach for that reason alone.



http://images.tvrage.net/screencaps/31/6061/315307.jpg

[J.T.]

I'll be the new Crazy Lou but I'll need a double shot of Everclear before I go on the job.

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

I couldn't wait to hear some of those scouting reports from Europe.
"Sergei Snuffleupagus should be put at the top of our draft board. He's slow, defends poorly, and isn't much of a ball handler, but he's got great intangibles. You can't teach dreamy like this."

[judaspriestess]

I want to be the official "massage therapist" :devil

[duncan228]

:lmao

Great stuff.

Should be moved to "Classic Threads" as soon as we're done enjoying it!

[Leetonidas]

Who gets to be the mascot?

[Holt's Cat]

*ahem*

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

Who gets to be the mascot?
I don't know but Whottt is damn sure going to be put in charge of that selection.

[Spurminator]

*ahem*


Ew. Hair ball.

[whottt]

I want director of mascot development...I'll whip that fat coyotes ass into shape so he's stops disgracing the legacy of the original and dragging the entire franchise and city down with him.

[Spurminator]

Or... Make David Robinson the Coyote. Best of both worlds.

And he's still in pretty good shape...

[Holt's Cat]

whottt is a twue cwacka-lacka

[ShoogarBear]

Hey, if we can have multiple positions, I want to be director of dance team selection.

. . . wait, "multiple positions" could be misconstrued. How about "multiple jobs"? No, wait . . .

[easjer]

:rollin

[vander]

can I be an intern?

[Spurminator]

<<< Director of Player Spouse Relations

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

<<< Director of Player Spouse Relations

:lol Absolutely, my friend.

[Phenomanul]

You forgot to mention that Spurschick would be promoted to Spurs Marketing manager.

FromWayDowntown would be a perfect legal advisor.

Shelly could chill all the beverages.... and use her wisdom to manage all the towel boys....

I'd happily take over the in-game music duties..... With the 1st thing on the list being to get rid of "Are You Ready for This?" Intro...

Last but not least we could use mouse as the official "food-taster" at away venues.

[FromWayDowntown]

I need to start getting my resume in shape.

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

You forgot to mention that Spurschick would be promoted to Spurs Marketing manager.

FromWayDowntown would be a perfect legal advisor.

Shelly could chill all the beverages.... and use her wisdom to manage all the towel boys....

I'd happily take over the in-game music duties..... With the 1st thing on the list being to get rid of "Are You Ready for This?" Intro...

Last but not least we could use mouse as the official "food-taster" at away venues.


I'm good with all those...so let it be written.

I figure Holt will make SFIE an executive vice president of something, so I'll likely be answering to him.

Johnny Blaze is going to be my inside guy in the media, and so when I trade Parker to the Mavs for two of their dancers and cash considerations he'll be able to spin it into brilliance.

[ShoogarBear]

Shelly could chill all the beverages.... :rollin

[Holt's Cat]

Johnny Blaze is going to be my inside guy in the media, and so when I trade Parker to the Mavs for two of their dancers and cash considerations he'll be able to spin it into brilliance.

So he's Wudden, without the bawd spot.

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

I figure Holt will make SFIE an executive vice president of something, so I'll likely be answering to him.


Who said he hasn't already? Time to come clean. I'm Dennis Lindsey.

[sandman]

Who said he hasn't already? Time to come clean. I'm Dennis Lindsey.

Makes me kinda glad now that I didn't buy a round that night we watched Game 1 together...

[ducks]

good stuff

[Holt's Cat]

mmmmmmm....bird is tasty

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

Makes me kinda glad now that I didn't buy a round that night we watched Game 1 together...
You're gonna be buying me a lot of rounds when the genius of that trade shows through. Book it.

[spurster]

You need Ghostwriter as an assistant coach to relate to the ballas.

[alamo50]

You need to post way more often Ed.

[FromWayDowntown]

Alamo has to be that staff's travel coordinator.

[Solid D]

FromWayDowntown - 3 Pt. Shooting Coach

[stéphane]

Seriously, you have to get Bruno for a job related to laws/finances. He always know how many cent you have left for a veteran or would get you a trade exception for a 2nd round pick.

[Shelly]

You forgot to mention that Spurschick would be promoted to Spurs Marketing manager.

FromWayDowntown would be a perfect legal advisor.

Shelly could chill all the beverages.... and use her wisdom to manage all the towel boys....

I'd happily take over the in-game music duties..... With the 1st thing on the list being to get rid of "Are You Ready for This?" Intro...

Last but not least we could use mouse as the official "food-taster" at away venues.

I do make a mean margarita!

[SpursWoman]

So ... where's the casting couch? I mean, where do I send my resume?

[Shelly]

So ... where's the casting couch? I mean, where do I send my resume?


Kinda like the Wal-Mart greeter? :lol

[SpursWoman]

:lol

Well, I'd imagine there might be some beans to count at some point. :nerd

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

So ... where's the casting couch? I mean, where do I send my resume?

Spurswoman is Director of Entertainment. In my position of power I'll be able to just make up staff positions as I go along.

However, I'm obligated to inform you that this position requires you to dress up like a geisha, comment on my enormous biceps from time to time, and address me as "Daddy". There's also a paddle, twelve feet of rope, two midgets and four video cameras involved, the details of which will be given to you upon signing a binding two-year contract.

[DOMINATOR]

hire me... i can be yalls dennis lindsey

[Aggie Hoopsfan]

Classic, Helicopter. :lol But it'd probably be the shooting coach that tried to eat me, not a player choking...

[RuffnReadyOzStyle]

Great thread! :lmao

Ed, I'll move to SA if you give me the job of Sustainability Manager. I'll make the Spurs the greenest team in the NBA within five years. ;)

[Guru of Nothing]

Can I drive the team bus?

http://www.kickasspoker.com/gfx/Logos/logo_pokerbus.jpg

[genghisrex]

Surely designing your avatar is worthy of some title on this management team. :spin

[carina_gino20]

great stuff. :lol

Two things:

1. Slomo should be somewhere in there.
2. Who replaces Stan Kelly?

[ATRAIN]

Can we hire da_suns_fan as groin massager?

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

Whew!!! Running this team is hard! I never knew how many key positions there were to making a team run!

I think I'm getting closer to having the key hires taken care of! Here are the latest vacancies that have been filled:


Spur Fan In Exile – VP/ Director of the SPAM Counsel
Spurminator – Director of Player Spouse Relations
Spurschick – Director of Marketing/Sales and All Things Naughty
Shelly – Director of Entertainment and Guest Servces
RashoFan – Security Director
Brutalis – Euro Scout
Spurswoman – Director of Accounting & Finance, Geishas, Midgets & Paddles
Mouse – Broadcast Director
Slomo – Director of Internet and Information Technology
FromWayDowntown – Director of the Legal Department and the Long Ball
Ruff – Sustainability Director
Genghisrex – Graphic Design Coordinator/Image Consultant
Exstatic –Human Resouces Director
Guru of Nothing - Chief Development Officer/Bus Driver
Alamo50 – Travel Coordinator
Phenomanul – Facilities and Music Coordinator
Judaspriestess – Massage Coordinator
Holt’s Cat – Team Mascot
Boutons – Holt Cat’s Anal Gland Expresser
PeeWee’s Lovechild – Team Chaplain
vand3537 – Intern/Personal Assistant to the Silver Dancers (he asked to be an intern – ask and you shall receive is my motto you know)


The grand plan is rounding into shape!!

[genghisrex]

Genghisrex – Graphic Design Coordinator/Image Consultant
Sweet, does this mean I get to redesign the jerseys? I have this great new idea...

http://www.envirun.org/webimages/duncan_rockets.jpeg

(Okay, to be honest, I stole this one from Dennis.)

[Marcus Bryant]

Sweet, does this mean I get to redesign the jerseys? I have this great new idea...

http://www.envirun.org/webimages/duncan_rockets.jpeg

(Okay, to be honest, I stole this one from Dennis.)


Man, think of the $ the Spurs would save. Gotta cut costs to stay competitive. Peter Holt is the bestest.

[Solid D]

Suggested title change:

Guru of Nothing - Guru of Nothing

[Spurminator]

My first order of business will be to organize a two week retreat with select spouses at Aphrodesiac Ranch in Montana - a fine resort where the wine flows like water, where the men are scarce, where secrecy is encouraged, and where the "clothing optional" policy makes packing light a must.

I will supervise, of course.

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

You better believe that title is going on my resume. As director of the SPAM council, may I suggest we pimp out the SPAM Popemobile, Your Holiness? My brother's wife has some cousins on the south side who can hook us up. 22's, a kick ass sound system for preaching to the masses, hydraulics, and some sweet decals :spam: :spam: :spam:

Don't worry about the cost either. I guess they live on a really bumpy road or something because all this stuff falls off the back of trucks around there.

[Shelly]

PeeWee’s Lovechild – Team Chaplain

:lmao

[urunobili]

i could be your south american scout...

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

You better believe that title is going on my resume. As director of the SPAM council, may I suggest we pimp out the SPAM Popemobile, Your Holiness? My brother's wife has some cousins on the south side who can hook us up. 22's, a kick ass sound system for preaching to the masses, hydraulics, and some sweet decals :spam: :spam: :spam:

Don't worry about the cost either. I guess they live on a really bumpy road or something because all this stuff falls off the back of trucks around there.

Do it brutha! Cost be damned!

If we're over-budget I'll just....ummm, I mean Whottt will just give a player or two to one of our division rivals. We gots ta have priorities!!

[spurschick]

Spurschick – Director of Marketing/Sales and All Things Naughty

I had a salary in mind for Director of Marketing, but the All Things Naughty will cost you extra. :fro

[angel_luv]

Director of Foreign Player Development – Angel Luv – She’ll be able to keep me updated on which Slovenian player looks the hottest in his uniform. Important information if the team is ever involved in a “pose-off”.

Hardy har har.

:)

[angel_luv]

I couldn't wait to hear some of those scouting reports from Europe.
"Sergei Snuffleupagus should be put at the top of our draft board. He's slow, defends poorly, and isn't much of a ball handler, but he's got great intangibles. You can't teach dreamy like this."


:lmao

Oh I can't breathe!

People at work think I am dying, I am laughing so hard.
( I just found this thread.)

[whottt]

Boutons – Holt Cat’s Anal Gland Expresser



:lmao

[phyzik]

I garuntee I can make Timmy D. (or any other player) shoot better at the FT line.


Chip England aint got shit on me!!



All I require is that the player hold a full beer in their off hand and a lit cigarette in their mouth.... I make 20+ LEGAL freethrows in a row one handed with this training regime.... I can just imagine a pro player.

My FT average is 87% over 3 years of doing this. Most shots are while I am drinking!! (Holding a cigarette in the same hand that I chug beer with while shooting).

my friends hate me :depressed

[RuffnReadyOzStyle]

I garuntee I can make Timmy D. (or any other player) shoot better at the FT line.


Chip England aint got shit on me!!



All I require is that the player hold a full beer in their off hand and a lit cigarette in their mouth.... I make 20+ LEGAL freethrows in a row one handed with this training regime.... I can just imagine a pro player.

My FT average is 87% over 3 years of doing this. Most shots are while I am drinking!! (Holding a cigarette in the same hand that I chug beer with while shooting).

my friends hate me :depressed

Hey, don't be dissin on Chip, yo.

He's the guy who did wonders for Tony, and JV, and the team's FT shooting in general last season. Beyond that, he's a great guy.

Maybe you could be his alcoholic assistant? :lol

[Slo spurs fan]

Well, if you need a professional man cook ... :stirpot:

[Slomo]

Whew!!! Running this team is hard! I never knew how many key positions there were to making a team run!

I think I'm getting closer to having the key hires taken care of! Here are the latest vacancies that have been filled:


Spur Fan In Exile – VP/ Director of the SPAM Counsel
Spurminator – Director of Player Spouse Relations
Spurschick – Director of Marketing/Sales and All Things Naughty
Shelly – Director of Entertainment and Guest Servces
RashoFan – Security Director
Brutalis – Euro Scout
Spurswoman – Director of Accounting & Finance, Geishas, Midgets & Paddles
Mouse – Broadcast Director
Slomo – Director of Internet and Information Technology
FromWayDowntown – Director of the Legal Department and the Long Ball
Ruff – Sustainability Director
Genghisrex – Graphic Design Coordinator/Image Consultant
Exstatic –Human Resouces Director
Guru of Nothing - Chief Development Officer/Bus Driver
Alamo50 – Travel Coordinator
Phenomanul – Facilities and Music Coordinator
Judaspriestess – Massage Coordinator
Holt’s Cat – Team Mascot
Boutons – Holt Cat’s Anal Gland Expresser
PeeWee’s Lovechild – Team Chaplain
vand3537 – Intern/Personal Assistant to the Silver Dancers (he asked to be an intern – ask and you shall receive is my motto you know)


The grand plan is rounding into shape!!
Nice!

I'll take the job provided the Jumbotrons at the arena are my dept. responsibility - there's a serious lack of SPAM on those things and fixing that would be my first priority.

:tu

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

Nice!

I'll take the job provided the Jumbotrons at the arena are my dept. responsibility - there's a serious lack of SPAM on those things and fixing that would be my first priority.

:tu

Absolutely!

I'm also making it official that only SPAM will be served at the concession stands after March 1st. We'll cook it up 7 different ways, but I can't taint the mojo with anything less.

[KEDA]

Who's in charge of shoes for the team?


You know this team has to be rocking the best kicks out there, I know of a guy who is pretty knowledgeable about stuff like that.

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

Who's in charge of shoes for the team?


You know this team has to be rocking the best kicks out there, I know of a guy who is pretty knowledgeable about stuff like that.
Do you know anyone who can get us a good deal on office supplies? There's a lot of paperwork to do for a franchise and Holt's going to want it done cheap.

[Dex]

I got dibs on Team Ninja.

[KEDA]

Do you know anyone who can get us a good deal on office supplies? There's a lot of paperwork to do for a franchise and Holt's going to want it done cheap.


not anymore


but I could be in charge of getting the team some Honeybaked Hams for Christmas!!!

[ShoogarBear]

but I could be in charge of getting the team some Honeybaked Hams for Christmas!!!You know what would go great with that?

Some bacon salt (http://www.spurstalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=74283).

[Udrihlooms]

Since we're stuck with Udrih, I can be his Personal Coach a la Kareem to Bynum. I guarantee you, he'll be our next Tony Parker before the All Star, so we can trade TP for some cash and 3rd round pick and save more $