jaespur21
08-07-2007, 04:12 PM
http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?SectionID=15&StoryID=3917&LayoutType=1
Juan Turlington does not take advantage of the wide array of felonies available to him in American society. Mail Tampering takes such little effort that it makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside. Every other Tuesday, abducted wanderers are snatched from their path, never to find their intended destination. They slowly become "Other People’s Mail." These are their lost, misguided voices.
by: JUAN TURLINGTON
To: Electronic Arts Sports
From: The guy you know that's only good at Madden when he's playing with Michael Vick
Re: Keeping Vick in Madden 2008
Hey there, EA Sports. As you have probably heard, Michael Vick has had some recent problems with dog killing. While dog killing is definitely uncool, I would hope that you guys aren't listening to all of this jibber-jabber about "federal indictments" and "season-long suspensions." It would be a tragedy of global proportions if you decided to keep the dog-killing lefty out of your latest installment of Madden NFL Football.
You see, it's basically like this...the canine crippler is rated very highly, with scores surpassing 90 in the categories of speed, acceleration, and agility. When a quarterback's running skills are that lopsided against the rest of the field, it allows shitfaces like me to pull down the ball and run whenever the fuck I feel like it. Go ahead and have a linebacker spy him. I'll just leave his ass in the dust like a dead dog that I had to kill because it didn't win and kill the other dog that I had previously arranged for it to tear apart. On top of that, he has a fucking gun for an arm.
If you leave the dog murderer out of your game, I will suck balls at Madden 2008. I will probably be forced to break my own thumbs as an excuse to get out of playing. As I think back to last season, I made the statement, "The Falcons are my mother-fucking team!" about 476 times. I'm sure I won't hear anything regarding that statement. Now, all I have is Joey Harrington under center and the look of a man who has just realized that he stepped in dog shit. Please leave the guy who hanged dogs on your game this year.
The NFL's new suspension policy is mostly supposed to target multiple offenders that embarrass the league. I'm sure you are all paying very close attention to the NFL's reaction to all of this dog murdering. You have to understand, this is the first time that Vick has been federally indicted for dog slaying. You can check his record all the way back to grade school and find no other federal indictments. Of course, you can be picky and bring up the highly public allegations against him for kicking it as Ron Mexico and beating chicks down with his herpes stick, or his arrest for trying to carry a secret weed-stashing water bottle through airport security. Some assholes would even probably bring up the time that a member of his crew stole a watch from a screener at the airport, or the time that he gave the finger to the entire Georgia Dome. What the hell was he supposed to do? The whole fucking stadium was pissed at him for underperforming and losing. Vick, more than most, knows what happens to you when you lose and under-perform. He probably thought that the fans were going to electrocute, hang, drown, or shoot him.
So the real question that needs to be answered is if the NFL believes that Vick's behavior reflects negatively on the league. I'm sorry, EA Sports, but this is not your question to answer. So please, turn a deaf ear to any news that comes out about Ron Mexico throwing dogs off of his roof and spreading herpes. Let the NFL handle their business and allow me to retain the small amount that remains of my manhood.
I hope you understand that people could really give a fuck less about the accuracy of the Atlanta Falcons' roster. The thing I give a fuck about is not going through the agony of pressing the speed burst button with Joey Harrington and having to toss a dumbbell through my television screen.
Keep Michael Vick in Madden 2008 and be my fucking heroes!
Sincerely,
The guy you know that's only good at Madden when he's playing with Michael Vick
Juan Turlington does not take advantage of the wide array of felonies available to him in American society. Mail Tampering takes such little effort that it makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside. Every other Tuesday, abducted wanderers are snatched from their path, never to find their intended destination. They slowly become "Other People’s Mail." These are their lost, misguided voices.
by: JUAN TURLINGTON
To: Electronic Arts Sports
From: The guy you know that's only good at Madden when he's playing with Michael Vick
Re: Keeping Vick in Madden 2008
Hey there, EA Sports. As you have probably heard, Michael Vick has had some recent problems with dog killing. While dog killing is definitely uncool, I would hope that you guys aren't listening to all of this jibber-jabber about "federal indictments" and "season-long suspensions." It would be a tragedy of global proportions if you decided to keep the dog-killing lefty out of your latest installment of Madden NFL Football.
You see, it's basically like this...the canine crippler is rated very highly, with scores surpassing 90 in the categories of speed, acceleration, and agility. When a quarterback's running skills are that lopsided against the rest of the field, it allows shitfaces like me to pull down the ball and run whenever the fuck I feel like it. Go ahead and have a linebacker spy him. I'll just leave his ass in the dust like a dead dog that I had to kill because it didn't win and kill the other dog that I had previously arranged for it to tear apart. On top of that, he has a fucking gun for an arm.
If you leave the dog murderer out of your game, I will suck balls at Madden 2008. I will probably be forced to break my own thumbs as an excuse to get out of playing. As I think back to last season, I made the statement, "The Falcons are my mother-fucking team!" about 476 times. I'm sure I won't hear anything regarding that statement. Now, all I have is Joey Harrington under center and the look of a man who has just realized that he stepped in dog shit. Please leave the guy who hanged dogs on your game this year.
The NFL's new suspension policy is mostly supposed to target multiple offenders that embarrass the league. I'm sure you are all paying very close attention to the NFL's reaction to all of this dog murdering. You have to understand, this is the first time that Vick has been federally indicted for dog slaying. You can check his record all the way back to grade school and find no other federal indictments. Of course, you can be picky and bring up the highly public allegations against him for kicking it as Ron Mexico and beating chicks down with his herpes stick, or his arrest for trying to carry a secret weed-stashing water bottle through airport security. Some assholes would even probably bring up the time that a member of his crew stole a watch from a screener at the airport, or the time that he gave the finger to the entire Georgia Dome. What the hell was he supposed to do? The whole fucking stadium was pissed at him for underperforming and losing. Vick, more than most, knows what happens to you when you lose and under-perform. He probably thought that the fans were going to electrocute, hang, drown, or shoot him.
So the real question that needs to be answered is if the NFL believes that Vick's behavior reflects negatively on the league. I'm sorry, EA Sports, but this is not your question to answer. So please, turn a deaf ear to any news that comes out about Ron Mexico throwing dogs off of his roof and spreading herpes. Let the NFL handle their business and allow me to retain the small amount that remains of my manhood.
I hope you understand that people could really give a fuck less about the accuracy of the Atlanta Falcons' roster. The thing I give a fuck about is not going through the agony of pressing the speed burst button with Joey Harrington and having to toss a dumbbell through my television screen.
Keep Michael Vick in Madden 2008 and be my fucking heroes!
Sincerely,
The guy you know that's only good at Madden when he's playing with Michael Vick