Confused David Stern Thought Gilbert Arenas Was Where Toronto Raptors Played

[Dex]

Confused David Stern Thought Gilbert Arenas Was Where Toronto Raptors Played

NEW YORK—Upon hearing reports that star guard Gilbert Arenas was recovering well from two surgeries on his left knee, NBA commissioner David Stern was silent for several moments before revealing that he had previously believed 'Gilbert Arenas' was the name of the stadium where the Toronto Raptors played their home games. "So…Gilbert Arenas, that's where the Blue Jays play, and the Argonauts, and sometimes they have the circus in town when the season is right for it, right?" said Stern, referring to the Air Canada Centre. "Isn't their owner's name Gilbert? I thought it was pronounced with a silent T or something, because it's all French up there. I never heard the name out loud before now, see, I've always just read it. 'Gilbert Arenas.' Huh." Upon admitting his mistake, Stern extended his best wishes to Arenas and expressed the hope that he would return to the Raptors' lineup soon.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/confused_david_stern

[duncan228]

:lol
The Onion has some funny stuff.
It must be a blast to sit around and think up this stuff.

[Mr.Bottomtooth]

I would've fell for it if the link wasn't exposed. :lol

[baseline bum]

This one's still my favorite:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38750


Pro Athlete Lauded For Being Decent Human Being


MILWAUKEE–Ray Allen, Milwaukee Bucks guard and budding NBA superstar, is drawing raves on and off the court, hailed by admirers as "not an asshole" and "a reasonably decent human being."

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onion_news786.article.jpg

The recipient of the NBA's inaugural Magic Johnson Ideal Player Award, Allen was praised by Bucks coach George Karl as "a true standout individual, the kind of person who treats others with a basic level of respect."

"Ray Allen is a great player, but he's an even greater person," said Karl, who is accustomed to reporters asking him about Allen's normalcy. "I remember this one time during his rookie season, he was walking back to his car from practice, and a woman nearby slipped on a patch of ice and fell. He could have kept walking, but instead he asked the woman if she was okay. Right then and there, I knew this kid was something special."

Allen, 25, who came to the NBA from the University of Connecticut in 1996, is among the NBA's best at shooting three-pointers, defending the perimeter, and going home quietly after games. A hardworking athlete, Allen has raised eyebrows around the league by never going AWOL or skipping practice.

"I knew when he came into this league that he had the potential to be a standout player," said Sports Illustrated basketball writer Marty Burns. "He had a reputation as a guy who would not only hit the clutch shot down the stretch, but also make eye contact with the towel boy. He has the potential to be a decent human being in this league for another 10 or 15 years if he stays healthy."

"I'll never forget what he said to me before the first interview I did with him," Burns said. "He said, 'Hello, Mr. Burns.' Then he extended his hand for me to, you know, shake. That's just the type of guy he is."

Allen's remarkable normal-human-being behavior carries over into his personal life. Though unmarried, he spends a respectable amount of time with his 8-year old daughter and is rumored to be on good terms with the girl's mother. He is also said to be close with his own mother.

Such decency has not gone unnoticed: Never accused of sexual assault, Allen has earned high praise for his lack of hostility toward women.

"When he was in college, Ray voluntarily went to several UConn women's basketball games and has been quoted as saying that he'd play for a female coach," Bucks public-relations director Cheri Hanson said. "Ray Allen isn't merely in the top 1 percent of NBA players; he's in the 51st percentile of human beings."

In addition to being a media darling, Allen's civility makes him a fan favorite. Though many pro athletes are abusive toward their supporters, Allen has, on numerous occasions, praised a home crowd as "good" or "great." Last week, after a tough home playoff loss to the Charlotte Hornets, he smiled and signed three or four autographs in the Bradley Center parking lot.

"That's unbelievable," said Karl, whom Allen has never threatened physically. "To come off a tough loss like that in the Eastern Conference semifinals and still be willing to interact with people, you just don't see that sort of thing very often."

"Acting reasonably nice, exhibiting basic common decency, having a general awareness of other people's feelings... that's what sets Ray Allen apart from your run-of-the-mill NBA player," said ESPN's Dan Patrick, who called his November 2000 interview with Allen "possibly the most civil" of his career. "Here I am, an interviewer asking him questions, and instead of taking a swing at me or showering me with verbal abuse, he politely responds to my queries. He didn't have to, but he did."

Continued Patrick: "It's nice to know that in this day and age, there are still athletes out there who say 'thank you' when you give them a new car for making the all-star team." http://www.theonion.com/content/themes/onion/assets/terminator.gif

[duncan228]

One of my favorite Duncan ones.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/tim_duncan_rooting_for_cavaliers

Tim Duncan Rooting For Cavaliers For Good Of NBA

SAN ANTONIO—San Antonio Spurs All-Star center Tim Duncan told reporters yesterday that he is rooting for the Cleveland Cavaliers to win this year's NBA Finals, stating that a Cavaliers victory is "exactly what the NBA needs right now."

"They're an exciting team, a breath of fresh air, and with the way this year's playoffs have gone, something interesting definitely needs to happen," said Duncan, adding that with the Cavaliers in the Finals people will "finally have a reason to watch [the NBA]." "Since the Western Conference immediately became dull when the Phoenix Suns were eliminated, the league has been gasping for a team that transcends basketball and appeals to the casual fan."

"Quite frankly, if the Cavs win, I really don't know who loses," Duncan added.

According to Duncan, one of the main reasons he wants the Cavaliers to win the championship is so that Cleveland small forward LeBron James has a chance to flourish in the national spotlight.

"LeBron has a certain magnetism a lot of other players don't have," Duncan said. "Not only is he the best player on his team, but he is also charismatic, which is rare. He's the only player I can think of that the league can market on a global scale, but the only way the NBA can do that is if Cleveland wins the title. Fingers crossed that they do."

Though Duncan said it would be optimal for James to hit a game-winning jumper in the closing seconds of Game 7 to win the championship, he stated it would be equally beneficial for the league if James simply dominates from the outset of Game 1, is given the opportunity to show off his tremendous athletic ability, and sends his opponents home early.

"No matter what, an NBA Finals that ends in a Cavaliers victory will be fun to watch," Duncan said. "Much more fun than a bunch of guys with no real personality playing good, fundamental basketball, which is basically the type of thing you can expect from mind-numbing teams like the Pistons and the Jazz."

"Most important," Duncan said, "the league needs a team that inspires kids to get out on the court, run up and down and take the ball to the basket—not a team that dumps it into their big man and lets him do all the work. That's why I didn't root for the Miami Heat last year."

"Go Cavs!" added Duncan, who then put on a LeBron James jersey and a Cavaliers cap.

Duncan isn't the only one in the Spurs organization openly rooting for the Cavaliers. Coach Greg Popovich, Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili, and team owner Peter Holt all agreed that a Cavaliers victory would be an excellent story for the league.

"The NBA has been looking for a premier team since Michael Jordan led the Bulls to six NBA championships," Popovich said. "Truthfully, I couldn't even tell you what teams have won NBA titles since."

In addition to current players and league officials, former players such as Dennis Rodman, Sean Elliot, and David Robinson have come out backing the Cavaliers. Even fans from cities other than Cleveland have voiced their support.

"To be honest, in the past couple of years I have watched more college basketball than the NBA," said San Antonio resident Derek Hill. "But there's something about the Cavaliers that gives me a reason to keep watching them, something that really draws me in. They're really a lot of, you know, what's the word… Fun."

[Mr.Bottomtooth]

Best one ever :lmao :

Curt Schilling Inexplicably Bleeding Throughout Game 3 Start


http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Curt-Shilling.jpg


http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/curt_schilling_inexplicably