I just need to vent...

[slacker77]

The phone rings around 9 on sunday morning and my wife answers.She gets this look on her face.I know somethings wrong.She starts to tear up and turns
to me and says"I'm so sorry,but your father passed away."I don't really react
right away,I just stay there not knowing what to do or say.I need to backtrack a little.I didn't see my father for my first 10 years.So when I
finally did see him our relationship was very rocky.I saw him on and off again
over the years.My wife became with my son when I was 17,so I didn't
really talk to my father much,for I was about to be one myself.I finally
saw him again when I was about 24.I brought my son with me,too.I at least
wanted him to know his grandson and have a relationship with him.Something
I never really had.I know I came upon this when my son was 7,but I was
young and very resentful.They hit it off right away,which makes me smile.
Fast forward a couple years later,my little girl is born.The first time I see
this man holding her in his arms smiling and acting goofy was really something.
I know there are alot of grandparents that do this on a daily basis,but I
had never seen this side of my dad before.Thru tear blurred eyes,it's
memories like these that bring a smile to my face.One thing you need to
realize before I go on is, my kids are just about the last of my blood from my
dads side.All there is my aunt who is 48.My uncle who is 50.Then lastly there
is my grandmother.So it became important to me that they get to know
their family.Everything was going ok until one day me and my dad get into
it.Long story short,we both argue and go our seperate ways.I didn't call him
and vice versa.My wife says that I can be very stubborn sometimes.Well I am
my fathers son.That had been about a year ago to morning I got that phone
call.I never told him how sorry I was and how much I loved him.Nor will I get
the chance.I had told my wife prior that this is stupid. I should just pick up
the phone and call him,but I never did.Now I'm left with all this guilt along
with a hurricane of emotions.Oh yeah,the phone call.That was my mother in
law who had called.She said that she saw my dads picture in the obituaries.
nobody called to let me know what was going on.So I had to say my goodbye at the funeral home.That sunday morning I called my grandmothers house several times trying to figure what had happend.Finally my aunt answers the
phone.I ask her what happened.She tells me that I have some nerve calling
now after a year of nothing.That I should be ashamed of myself.OK,all I want
to know is how did he pass.There's silence for a moment.She tells,"look we're
going thru a very hard time right now,He died ok!You're going thru a very
hard time right now?!?Try looking at your kids sleeping peacefully and trying
to think of the right words to say to them.So needless to say I'm the outcast.
Which is something I have gotten pretty used to over the years.All I can do
now is reflect on what little time we had together,and be appreciative of that.
One thing I promised myself is that I will never let my kids have the kind
of relationship my father and I had.That's one of many things I can take from
this.I'm still with the same woman.I have two great kids.I Have a son who can make laugh harder than anyone I know.I also have a daughter who can bring me to tears from just a smile.From the darkest to the brightest of days ,I have been there every step of the way.I love my family more than words can
ever say.I will do my best to make sure that they will never know the pain I have known.Sorry to make thread about this,but like I said...I just need to vent.

[stretch]

that is a mess. clean it up, and maybe I will read it.

[SAtown]

The fact that you feel the way you do for your own family makes you a good guy. It sucks that your aunt is acting that way with you during this time. I'm sorry to hear about your dad

[BacktoBasics]

Don't rack your head buddy. You aren't completely responsible for the relationship not working out the way you had invisioned it would. You took some good steps to mend things but ultimately your Father failed you, its not your fault. The proof is in how you want to handle your relationship with your kids, doesn't seem like you'd ever allow walls like that to be put up between yourself and your children. Take comfort in knowing you gave a solid effort to work things out, which is probably more than what he gave you.

I'm in a similar boat and its tougher than the average joe would think. People make it seem so easy to just set aside your pride when others are unwilling to. I'm sorry people feel the need to make you the scapegoat.

[ORION]

what originally seperated you and your father

[xrayzebra]

You did nothing wrong. Understand that up front.
Don't take on a burden you didn't cause. You tried to
establish a relationship and possibly your Father's family
didn't. Accept it. You have your family, enjoy. You tried,
from what you wrote. They didn't.

[angel_luv]

I'm sorry your dad died.

I will pray for you and your family.

[ORION]

I'm not saying this applies to this situation but sometimes you need to protect your kids from bad people even if they are related

[thispego]

sounds like he killed himself. why else would they think "you should be ashamed" of yourself?

[timvp]

Don't rack your head buddy. You aren't completely responsible for the relationship not working out the way you had invisioned it would. You took some good steps to mend things but ultimately your Father failed you, its not your fault. The proof is in how you want to handle your relationship with your kids, doesn't seem like you'd ever allow walls like that to be put up between yourself and your children. Take comfort in knowing you gave a solid effort to work things out, which is probably more than what he gave you.:tu

[Kriz-Maxima]

Man dont feel guilty, it sounds like you tried and sometimes things dont work out like you want them to. Your aunt was wrong to say that to you and his family was wrong for not telling you he had died.

Im sorry for your loss. You cannot let your past burden you, the only thing you have control over is the kind of father you are to your kids.

[Steve Irwin]

hope you feel better and keep your head up

[slacker77]

I just wanted to say thanks to all of you for taking a moment and
giving me some encouraging words.I can't say enough,so thanks
again.As for stretch,sorry man formatting has never been one my
strong points.

[bendmz]

NEVER SAY NEVER......

it's funny but as your kids grow up, you will see things happen that happened to you as a kid... and your reaction will be ???????

[Sapphire]

I'm sad for you. My dad died while we were not speaking also. We had a lifelong rocky relationship, and there is still a lot of pain from that. Be thankful that you had at least mended things for a while before they got messed up again. Enjoy your kids every day, and cherish your time with them. Life is so fleeting.

And where was your aunt when your father ignored you for your first 10 years? Was she telling him he had "some nerve" to do that to his own child? You should write a letter to your family, spill it all out, make it as hateful or whatever that you want, and then burn it. Don't send it. But then once it's burned, you need to try to have a relationship with them. Be the bigger man. If you take the high road, no one can find fault with that. And your kids will see that it matters to you.

No matter what your feelings or depth of your relationships with your family, once they are gone, you will miss them.

[exstatic]

I just wanted to say thanks to all of you for taking a moment and
giving me some encouraging words.I can't say enough,so thanks
again.As for stretch,sorry man formatting has never been one my
strong points.
Sorry that your aunt is being such a bitch. I agree with Sapphire all the way up to burning the letter. I would do that, and then put it to rest and not be in any hurry to establish or re-establish any relationships. It sounds like a fairly toxic family. If they reach out, you could reciprocate.

As for the formatting, two spaces after the period and don't do your own line feeds. Let the forum software wrap your text.

[mrsmaalox]

You know what? That's just normal family stuff! Anyone who denies any dysfunction in their family is in denial or a walking miracle. And you know why it's normal? Because we are all just human beings. Remember your kids are part of your Dad, so you can make up to him in how you raise them. And as to the rest of the family, try to understand that they are only reacting the way they were taught. They are coping with life the only way they know how. Be thankful that you were able to break away, probably because of your wife's influence. And remember that ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness, and your family has no power over that. So you continue to try to reach out to them. You will be doing the right thing.

[bigfundamental21]

My condolences on your loss. I just have to praise you for allowing your children to know a person that did not take the time to know you. That takes guts and you are a better father than he was.

Don't let your relatives words take away from what relationship you and your children did have with your dad. They can't begin to understand your side of it and have no right to turn against you. He was your father and no one can change that.

I will pray for you and your family to get through this difficult time.

[SequSpur]

it is what it is

[marini martini]

it is what it is

No it isn't "Is what it is".

That shit, is full of it!"

Love Ya Honey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[RashoFan]

I am sorry for your loss, my prayers are with you and your family. Hopefully soon your father's side of the family and you can make ammends.

[slacker77]

How did he die?
That's a question I have yet to receive an answer. Apparently only my aunt,uncle,and grandmother know what happened. They wouldn't even look at me at the funeral home. Noone at the rosary knew either because all they were told that it was unexpected,that's all. As angry as I was,I refused to make a scene. I asked the funeral director if they had any info,but they had yet to receive the death certificate. I tracked the hospital to were he had passed and the name of the dr.. I called the office of the dr. and they tell me he is on vacation until next Tues. He is suppose to call me when he gets back. Before I hang up I ask the secretary what kind of practice this is. She tells me neurology. I had noticed that my dad had a big knot on the right side of his head that was covered with makeup. But couldn't get an answer why. I had also stopped by his office to pick up some personal belongings. Nothing of value,just some sentimental things I knew he had on his desk. I got ahold of his supervisor to go with me while I put things in a bag. As i'm doing this a co-worker of my dads(and good friend of my uncle)walks in. He sees what I'm doing and walks out. Five minutes later he comes back in an tells the supervisor that I can't take anything because there is conflict of interest. I asked with who? He tells me that my uncle was coming down to pick everthing up later this afternoon. I tell him he needs to leave an to mind his own business. He just stays there looking at me. So I pack up what I came for,3 framed pics of my kids,1 framed prayer,and a plaque. I'm thinking in my head,let this guy try to stop me. I almost want him to,but he doesn't. Right as I'm walking out the door he says"You know you not getting anything". I'm thinking,well I just did. As I'm driving off,I give more thought to what he said. Then I get it. You see my dad was a goverment employee for 30 yrs.. He also has a house that he owns and is paid off. Also not to mention his additional life insurance. So you can see what he was getting at. Here is where they get me wrong. I don't give a damn about one cent coming from all of this. All the money,the house,the car,pension plan,even that last fucking check. They can have it all,if I could just get 5 minutes with my dad. That's all I want. My father is dead and this asshole is talking about money. That's something that didn't even occur to me until he made that statement. I don't know if my dad put my name down on everything or not. I know it sounds strange,but I could care less. It won't bring him back. So I put a smile on my face for my family and cry when I'm alone. My wife has been so supportive.I thank god for her(and my kids). She sees right thru me an sees the pain inside. She tells me no matter what she's here for me. She would know first hand what this feels like. You see here father was murdered about 7 years ago,but that's another story in itself. And I feel like I have been talking to much and for that I apologize.Not to sound like a broken record,but thank you all for your words of encouragement and advice. That is one of the many reasons why I love this forum. I know with everyday that passes,it will get a little easier.

[slacker77]

Also thanks for the formatting advice,exstatic. Not sure if I did it right,but I did notice the difference. So hopefully I got it.

[Supreme_Being]

Duck your head and wade right through it.

[CrazyOne]

I'm sorry for your loss. You can't change the past but you can do your best to make the future different for your children.

Sounds like the rest of the family have deeper issues than they want to admit. At least in here you can put the flippant arses on "ignore". ;)

[Spurminator]

People don't often act rationally during periods of grief. Hopefully given some time, you and your family can make amends. Best wishes and sorry for your loss.