Yonivore
01-07-2005, 12:20 PM
Torquemada on the Hot Seat
After years of running from the law and hiding in the hills of Tora Bora, the elusive Alberto "Torquemada" Gonzales is finally getting a taste of his own medicine - and all it took was for that moron Shrub to appoint him Attorney General. As if being a Hispanic Republican isn't evil enough, Gonzales was also the architect of Bush's 2002 "Final Solution" memo that condemned thousands of innocent Iraqi peasants to naked spankings. But now the tables have turned and Torquemada is getting a major butt-whoopin' of his own from the loyal opposition in Congress.
"Do you condone the torture of prisoners?" Arlen Specter demanded.
"Have you tortured any prisoners yourself?" Sen. Patrick Leahy hammered at him.
"How many prisoners have you tortured this week?" Sen. Chuck Schumer chimed in.
"Ever enjoy a nice taco while you torture a prisoner, Pablo?" Sen. Robert Byrd grilled him.
"How do you feel about death by slow drowning?" Sen. Kennedy bluntly asked.
But just like Condoskeeza, Gonzales sidestepped every question, prompting a furious Sen. Joe Biden to call for fresh make-up and glower melodramatically into the cameras.
"We're looking for candor, old buddy," Biden chided him. "I love you like my own gardener, but you're not very candid so far."
That's because he's guilty. It's all right there in The Memo.
Ah, yes, The Memo! Could this at last be The Memo that brings Bush down? Funny how he's spent his entire peeResidency running from one memo or another. First it was the infamous 9/11 memo which warned that Al Qaeda would be flying planes into the World Trade Center on 9/11. Bush ignored it and later claimed that the memo was so vague, he simply had no way of telling when an attack would occur. Gee, you think maybe they called it the "9/11 Memo" because the attacks were going to be on 9/11? Just a wild guess.
Then came the damning National Guard memos proving that Bush snorted cocaine and went AWOL for his entire so-called "military service". He still insists those documents are fakes, despite an overwhelming consensus at MoveOn.org that they're authentic.
Now comes the damning Torquemada Memo. While Bush was off digging up mass graves and making Saddam out to be some sort of mass-murdering monster, U.S. troops were under strict orders to pig-pile naked Iraqis, give them with wedgies, and even administer the humiliating "chocolate swirly" torture. Those Iraqis who were unfortunate enough to be held at Abu Ghraib went home with horrible memories, ghastly nightmares, and fraternity pins.
But despite selling out his race and torturing innocents, Gonzales' friendship with Bush alone should disqualify him. As geeOvernor of Texas, Bush pulled Gonzales right out of the bean fields and made him a state Supreme Court justice, endenturing him to the Shrub and clouding his judgment forever.
"You know there are going to be times when the attorney general of the United States has to enforce the law of the United States. He can't be worried about friends or colleagues at the White House. His duty is to all Americans," Leahy lectured him.
Which is exactly why Bill Clinton surrounded himself with complete strangers rather than fill his staff with childhood pals, business partners, or cabinet members from previous offices he held. There's just too much risk of corruption.
After years of running from the law and hiding in the hills of Tora Bora, the elusive Alberto "Torquemada" Gonzales is finally getting a taste of his own medicine - and all it took was for that moron Shrub to appoint him Attorney General. As if being a Hispanic Republican isn't evil enough, Gonzales was also the architect of Bush's 2002 "Final Solution" memo that condemned thousands of innocent Iraqi peasants to naked spankings. But now the tables have turned and Torquemada is getting a major butt-whoopin' of his own from the loyal opposition in Congress.
"Do you condone the torture of prisoners?" Arlen Specter demanded.
"Have you tortured any prisoners yourself?" Sen. Patrick Leahy hammered at him.
"How many prisoners have you tortured this week?" Sen. Chuck Schumer chimed in.
"Ever enjoy a nice taco while you torture a prisoner, Pablo?" Sen. Robert Byrd grilled him.
"How do you feel about death by slow drowning?" Sen. Kennedy bluntly asked.
But just like Condoskeeza, Gonzales sidestepped every question, prompting a furious Sen. Joe Biden to call for fresh make-up and glower melodramatically into the cameras.
"We're looking for candor, old buddy," Biden chided him. "I love you like my own gardener, but you're not very candid so far."
That's because he's guilty. It's all right there in The Memo.
Ah, yes, The Memo! Could this at last be The Memo that brings Bush down? Funny how he's spent his entire peeResidency running from one memo or another. First it was the infamous 9/11 memo which warned that Al Qaeda would be flying planes into the World Trade Center on 9/11. Bush ignored it and later claimed that the memo was so vague, he simply had no way of telling when an attack would occur. Gee, you think maybe they called it the "9/11 Memo" because the attacks were going to be on 9/11? Just a wild guess.
Then came the damning National Guard memos proving that Bush snorted cocaine and went AWOL for his entire so-called "military service". He still insists those documents are fakes, despite an overwhelming consensus at MoveOn.org that they're authentic.
Now comes the damning Torquemada Memo. While Bush was off digging up mass graves and making Saddam out to be some sort of mass-murdering monster, U.S. troops were under strict orders to pig-pile naked Iraqis, give them with wedgies, and even administer the humiliating "chocolate swirly" torture. Those Iraqis who were unfortunate enough to be held at Abu Ghraib went home with horrible memories, ghastly nightmares, and fraternity pins.
But despite selling out his race and torturing innocents, Gonzales' friendship with Bush alone should disqualify him. As geeOvernor of Texas, Bush pulled Gonzales right out of the bean fields and made him a state Supreme Court justice, endenturing him to the Shrub and clouding his judgment forever.
"You know there are going to be times when the attorney general of the United States has to enforce the law of the United States. He can't be worried about friends or colleagues at the White House. His duty is to all Americans," Leahy lectured him.
Which is exactly why Bill Clinton surrounded himself with complete strangers rather than fill his staff with childhood pals, business partners, or cabinet members from previous offices he held. There's just too much risk of corruption.