Analysis: Official Duncan > Jesus thread!

[jaffies]

[prologue - granted there was no NBA when JC was around, but if Duncan were alive he would have invented basketball....... and swimming]

Formula:
# of championships (x) # finals MVP's (+) # of disciples (+) # of times returned from the dead (x) career free-throw percentage (+) # of HEB commercials = greatness score.

a score of 10 or better (not equal) = greatness!

first up, Jesus:

0 championships
x
0 finals MVP's
+
12 disciples
+
1 time returned from the dead
x
.777 career free-throw percentage (estimated)
+
0 (that's right '0') HEB commercials

=

10.101 on the greatness scale.

He was indeed a great man, as you can tell by my flawless logic. And he proved that he was great by starting a religion later on in life, you might have heard of it.

But now for Tim Duncan's score:

4 championships
x
3 finals MVP's
+
0 disciples (at least not yet)
+
0 returns from the dead
x
.684 career free-throw percentage
+
5 HEB commercials (and there's probably more that I don't know about)

=

13.208 on the greatness scale!!!!

Conclusion: Duncan > Jesus

I know what you're saying, "but wouldn't that put players like Jordan and Bill Russell way ahead of Duncan?" Well....yeah, but .....that would poke a hole in my logic, so....they don't count. And I know, I know you're saying "Jesus only had those worn out sandals to hoop it up in so he should have a handicap", well maybe Jesus should have agreed to that Adidas shoe contract that he was offered, hmmmm.


All I'm saying is this: Jesus turns water into wine. Duncan turns water into championships.

[jag]

What a vain attempt at comedy.

[Solid D]

Why do this?

[ata]

tasteless

[NuGGeTs-FaN]

Bruce Bowen and Drob disagree

[timvp]

You stole Galileo's next thread.

[MannyIsGod]

:lol

Don't let the haters get to you, this was hillarious.

[pawe]

You're a dork.

[Kori Ellis]

The formula made me laugh (even though I get some people will be offended by it).

[L.I.T]

I laughed. Out loud.

[m33p0]

you stole Galileo's thunder. :lmao

[J.T.]

Also...

Jesus
Sometime late March 33 A.D., nailed to and killed on cross.
Three days later, rose from the dead.

Tim Duncan
Sometime late June 1999 A.D., wins NBA title and becomes king of the basketball world.
Four seasons later, 2003 A.D., rose from three seasons of playoff losses and was crowned king once again.

[ManuTim_best of Fwiendz]

:lol

Maybe the offended people thought this was just a random thread and didn't see the Galileo threads.

I thought it was a good ribbing of the Galileo dude. Except for this part,


.777 career free-throw percentage (estimated)

come on, Jesus would have been an 85 percent shooter.

[polandprzem]

That's unfair

Jesus father is/was God

btw. from the religious point of view it's not ofensive (IMHO)

[greyforest]

i agree with the post because cmon think about it, jesus vs duncan 1 on 1? duncan would take jesus to school

[ManuTim_best of Fwiendz]

i agree with the post because cmon think about it, jesus vs duncan 1 on 1? duncan would take jesus to school
Jesus would be pulling off 360 dunks on Timmy throughout the game from the free throw line. The man could walk on water, give him a little credit.

[NuGGeTs-FaN]

noone should get offended over this.

Jesus is the MVP of the world. He has been taking demons to school for ages. He would quote the word against Timmy and Timmy would be OWNED :smokin

Got a Jesus vs Devil one on one bball comparison? Im assuming the Devil's freethrow percentage would be .666 :lol

[dav4463]

As Elisha would say on "The Girl Next Door".....It's a little funny!

[anakha]

Jesus would be pulling off 360 dunks on Timmy throughout the game from the free throw line. The man could walk on water, give him a little credit.

That brings to mind the 'Jesus, Moses, and the old man' golf joke. :lol

[Supreme_Being]

This is lame. Ugh.

[Alain]

Vishnu owns them all !

[Kamnik]

LOL-funny!

dont mind the fanatics get to ya ;))

and btw... Tim Duncan is FOR REAL and jesus wasnt ;)

[bobbybob0]

lol, nice thread ! ;)

[Borosai]

W.W.T.D.

[Russ]

Duncan isn't the first athlete to be compared to JC. As they used to say of hockey great Phil Esposito:


Jesus Saves.
And Esposito scores on the rebound.

[ATXSPUR]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v295/fissionmetroid6/1186395463236.gif

[pad300]

[prologue - granted there was no NBA when JC was around, but if Duncan were alive he would have invented basketball....... and swimming]

Formula:
# of championships (x) # finals MVP's (+) # of disciples (+) # of times returned from the dead (x) career free-throw percentage (+) # of HEB commercials = greatness score.

a score of 10 or better (not equal) = greatness!

first up, Jesus:

0 championships
x
0 finals MVP's
+
12 disciples
+
1 time returned from the dead
x
.777 career free-throw percentage (estimated)
+
0 (that's right '0') HEB commercials

=

10.101 on the greatness scale.

He was indeed a great man, as you can tell by my flawless logic. And he proved that he was great by starting a religion later on in life, you might have heard of it.

But now for Tim Duncan's score:

4 championships
x
3 finals MVP's
+
0 disciples (at least not yet)
+
0 returns from the dead
x
.684 career free-throw percentage
+
5 HEB commercials (and there's probably more that I don't know about)

=

13.208 on the greatness scale!!!!

Conclusion: Duncan > Jesus

I know what you're saying, "but wouldn't that put players like Jordan and Bill Russell way ahead of Duncan?" Well....yeah, but .....that would poke a hole in my logic, so....they don't count. And I know, I know you're saying "Jesus only had those worn out sandals to hoop it up in so he should have a handicap", well maybe Jesus should have agreed to that Adidas shoe contract that he was offered, hmmmm.


All I'm saying is this: Jesus turns water into wine. Duncan turns water into championships.

0*0 + 12 + 1 * (0.777) + 0 = 12.777 <> 10.101

4*3 + 0 + 0 * (0.684) + 5 = 17 <> 13.208

Whatever the validity of the formulas, this conclusively proves, that jaffies can't do math...
:elephant

[E20]

Tony, Manu, and Bruce the disciples of Tim? LOL

Timmy bounces the ball of J's head.

[Fernando TD21]

But one could argue that Duncan have better teammates and he only have a better NBA career because he is just luckier. 1 on 1 Jesus would teach Duncan the ten commandments.

Manu is also bigger than Jesus, this season. Manu = God > Duncan > Jesus (this season).
:rolleyes

[Los Spurs]

Jesus wears a Manu jersey on game days :king

[Galileo]

Duncan > Jesus Alou > Ivan DeJesus

[rascal]

noone should get offended over this.

Jesus is the MVP of the world. He has been taking demons to school for ages. He would quote the word against Timmy and Timmy would be OWNED :smokin

Got a Jesus vs Devil one on one bball comparison? Im assuming the Devil's freethrow percentage would be .666 :lol

Yeah but his field goal % would also be .666.

[Galileo]

[prologue - granted there was no NBA when JC was around, but if Duncan were alive he would have invented basketball....... and swimming]

Formula:
# of championships (x) # finals MVP's (+) # of disciples (+) # of times returned from the dead (x) career free-throw percentage (+) # of HEB commercials = greatness score.

a score of 10 or better (not equal) = greatness!

first up, Jesus:

0 championships
x
0 finals MVP's
+
12 disciples
+
1 time returned from the dead
x
.777 career free-throw percentage (estimated)
+
0 (that's right '0') HEB commercials

=

10.101 on the greatness scale.

He was indeed a great man, as you can tell by my flawless logic. And he proved that he was great by starting a religion later on in life, you might have heard of it.

But now for Tim Duncan's score:

4 championships
x
3 finals MVP's
+
0 disciples (at least not yet)
+
0 returns from the dead
x
.684 career free-throw percentage
+
5 HEB commercials (and there's probably more that I don't know about)

=

13.208 on the greatness scale!!!!

Conclusion: Duncan > Jesus

I know what you're saying, "but wouldn't that put players like Jordan and Bill Russell way ahead of Duncan?" Well....yeah, but .....that would poke a hole in my logic, so....they don't count. And I know, I know you're saying "Jesus only had those worn out sandals to hoop it up in so he should have a handicap", well maybe Jesus should have agreed to that Adidas shoe contract that he was offered, hmmmm.


All I'm saying is this: Jesus turns water into wine. Duncan turns water into championships.

jaffies > Judas Iscariot

[DAF86]

Yeah but his field goal % would also be .666.

so you're suggesting that the devil is shaq.

[Galileo]

Jesus suffered under Pontius Pilate for our sins, Duncan suffered under planter fasciitis for we Spurs fans.

[Mister Sinister]

This is bullshit. Much as I love Timmy, Optimus would take him to school in a basketball game.

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

Duncan> Jesus Shuttlesworth

Some additional points of comparison worth considering:

-Tim could very well have been an Olympic swimmer, Jesus walked on water. Which is better depends on your opinion of working harder vs. working smarter.

-Despite having a better projected free throw percentage (I'd argue that it would be at least in the mid 80's if they named a character played by Ray Allen after him) you have to consider the era JC played in. Duncan has played his career in the handcheck/ superstar calls era. Meanwhile, Pilate swallowed his whistle for what would probably be some suspension worthy stuff nowadays. He just couldn't get to the line much.

-Whining. God bless him, Timmy does it a lot. On the other side of the equation, "Forgive them, they know not what they do." Someone knows how to shut up and play.

-Hot wives. Amy Duncan is pretty easy on the eye. According to Dan Brown, Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene, who according to Mel Gibson looked an awful lot like Monica Belucci. Both are lucky bastards in that regard, but advantage goes to Timmy. It's theory and conjecture against the bird in hand on that one.

-Supporting casts. Tim's almost always had some kind of all-star caliber help and some great clutch performers. Jesus? Well there was Judas. And then you've got Peter, the Hedo of the olden times. He was good for the most part, but he choked on three open looks before the cock crowed.

-Jesus resurrected himself. Tim brought the Spurs to an NBA record single season turnaround.

-Guiding forces: People love to paint Pop as a hard ass, but he's never asked Tim to die for the sins of Manu. That's all I'm saying.

Also, I don't know how you define disciple, but it could be argued that Al Jefferson, who says he studies tape of Duncan in hopes of patterning his game after him, might count.

[Galileo]

first up, Jesus:

12 disciples

But now for Tim Duncan's score:

0 disciples (at least not yet)



Aha! But Duncan had 12 teammates, none of whom have betrayed him (excepting maybe Stephen Jackson)

[NASpurs]

Duncan> Jesus Shuttlesworth

Some additional points of comparison worth considering:

-Tim could very well have been an Olympic swimmer, Jesus walked on water. Which is better depends on your opinion of working harder vs. working smarter.

-Despite having a better projected free throw percentage (I'd argue that it would be at least in the mid 80's if they named a character played by Ray Allen after him) you have to consider the era JC played in. Duncan has played his career in the handcheck/ superstar calls era. Meanwhile, Pilate swallowed his whistle for what would probably be some suspension worthy stuff nowadays. He just couldn't get to the line much.

-Whining. God bless him, Timmy does it a lot. On the other side of the equation, "Forgive them, they know not what they do." Someone knows how to shut and play.

-Hot wives. Amy Duncan is pretty easy on the eye. According to Dan Brown, Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene, who according to Mel Gibson looked an awful lot like Monica Belucci. Both are lucky bastards in that regard, but advantage goes to Timmy. It's theory and conjecture against the bird in hand on that one.

-Supporting casts. Tim's almost always had some kind of all-star caliber help and some great clutch performers. Jesus? Well there was Judas. And then you've got Peter, the Hedo of the olden times. He was good for the most part, but he choked on three open looks before the cock crowed.

-Jesus resurrected himself. Tim brought the Spurs to an NBA record single season turnaround.

-Guiding forces: People love to paint Pop as a hard ass, but he's never asked Tim to die for the sins of Manu. That's all I'm saying.

Also, I don't know how you define disciple, but it could be argued that Al Jefferson, who says he studies tape of Duncan in hopes of patterning his game after him, might count.This thread is stupid but this post made me crack up. :lmao

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

:lol

Don't let the haters get to you, this was hillarious.



Who are the real haters?

[Mister Sinister]

Who are the real haters?
Suns fans?

[Spuradicator]

not offensive, it was just fucking stupid. Lame attempt at trying to be cool.

[hater]

This comparison is completely out of line!!! Everyone knows Jesus' career was cut short due to crucifiction.

[Galileo]

This comparison is completely out of line!!! Everyone knows Jesus' career was cut short due to crucifiction.

ya, but he was already 33, and starting to show signs of age.

[Hemotivo]

:lol wtf?

[sassystriker]

Non-sense.

Jesus owns duncan. He can never be beaten. He's off the charts.

[Galileo]

I find this entire thread to be very offensive.

Some joker thought it was funny to compare Duncan to Jesus because Galileo compared Duncan to Jordan.

By analogy, this joker is, metaphorically speaking, actually comparing Jordan to Jesus, not Duncan to Jesus.

That is ridiculous and very offensive.

I call an offensive foul!

A better comparison is to compare Galileo to Jesus, because both had very unfair religious trials.

[Kermit]

Well, at least he didn't compare him to Muhammad. This thread would've been burned down by now.

[Mr.Bottomtooth]

:lol

[ManuTim_best of Fwiendz]

Duncan> Jesus Shuttlesworth

Some additional points of comparison worth considering:

-Tim could very well have been an Olympic swimmer, Jesus walked on water. Which is better depends on your opinion of working harder vs. working smarter.

-Despite having a better projected free throw percentage (I'd argue that it would be at least in the mid 80's if they named a character played by Ray Allen after him) you have to consider the era JC played in. Duncan has played his career in the handcheck/ superstar calls era. Meanwhile, Pilate swallowed his whistle for what would probably be some suspension worthy stuff nowadays. He just couldn't get to the line much.

-Whining. God bless him, Timmy does it a lot. On the other side of the equation, "Forgive them, they know not what they do." Someone knows how to shut up and play.

-Hot wives. Amy Duncan is pretty easy on the eye. According to Dan Brown, Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene, who according to Mel Gibson looked an awful lot like Monica Belucci. Both are lucky bastards in that regard, but advantage goes to Timmy. It's theory and conjecture against the bird in hand on that one.

-Supporting casts. Tim's almost always had some kind of all-star caliber help and some great clutch performers. Jesus? Well there was Judas. And then you've got Peter, the Hedo of the olden times. He was good for the most part, but he choked on three open looks before the cock crowed.

-Jesus resurrected himself. Tim brought the Spurs to an NBA record single season turnaround.

-Guiding forces: People love to paint Pop as a hard ass, but he's never asked Tim to die for the sins of Manu. That's all I'm saying.

Also, I don't know how you define disciple, but it could be argued that Al Jefferson, who says he studies tape of Duncan in hopes of patterning his game after him, might count.
:lol

clever comparison

[ducks]

stupidity

[Avitus1]

I thought it was funny. I think would scored higher if he was drafted out of college.

[Don Quixote]

I really can't argue with your logic. I'm convinced!

[Galileo]

Christ Returns to NBA


April 3, 1996


After a two-year hiatus, Jesus Christ returned to the NBA last night, taking the court with his former team, the Atlanta Hawks. Christ, who quit the sport in May 1994 to focus on spreading His message of universal love and compassion, made His triumphant return last night against the Bulls, just in time for Easter Sunday.


Jesus Christ returned to action last night against the Chicago Bulls, chipping in 13 points and 4 assists, and wowing fans with his trademark "Ascension Dunk."


The return of Christ, who averaged 18.2 points and 7.3 assists per game during his 10-year NBA career, has excited success-hungry Hawks fans, who are calling Him the team's "Savior."


Said Atlanta resident and devout Christian Jeff Voorhees, "Jesus is Lord."


Christ's decision to return to the Hawks surprised insiders, considering that for years the Nazareth native had been crucified by the Atlanta press. Since He was drafted third overall out of Texas A&M in 1986, Christ has been labeled too passive and forgiving to ever lead the Hawks to the promised land. Christ, however, has now apparently decided to turn the other cheek.


"I forgive Atlanta Journal-Constitution sportswriter Stan Sheridan," Christ said. "He knows not what he writes."


The closest Christ came to signing with another team came in December, when He spent 40 days and 40 nights in the desert with Detroit Pistons coach Doug Collins.


After consulting His father, God, Christ turned down the Pistons' offer of 30 gold pieces.


"Get thee behind me, Coach Collins," Christ reportedly said.


Though some say the media led Christ to quit basketball, many contend He quit after being betrayed by teammate Kevin Willis during a 1994 Celtics-Hawks playoff game.


With three seconds left and the Hawks trailing by one, Christ was wide open underneath the basket for an easy layup. Instead of passing to Christ, Willis took a wild shot from three-point range, missing the net completely. After the game, a visibly upset Christ stretched out His arms and said, "Kevin Willis, why hast thou forsaken me?"


Despite the controversies, Hawks teammates and personnel are excited to have Christ back.


Forward Stacey Augmon, just one of many Hawks players who claims to have a personal relationship with Christ, said, "He's taught me so much, like how to love your enemies as yourself, to pray for those who hurt you, and when to pass up the three in favor of a higher percentage shot."


Fans also eagerly await the return of Christ's "Ascension Dunk," a crowd favorite. In the patented move, Christ leaps His less-than-league-average 24-inch vertical, and miraculously ascends toward Heaven, floating in mid-air just long enough to stuff the ball. An accompanying angelic choir momentarily stuns His defenders as the ball comes crashing down on their heads. The move wowed audiences and judges at NBA All-Star Slam-N-Jam dunk competitions two years in a row.


A three-time NBA All-Star, Christ impressed team doctors during a brief, closed-door workout Friday, in which He displayed His still-sharp shooting skills, dribbling ability, and overwhelming love for all mankind.


Team doctors also noted that in contrast to most players who take layoffs, Christ's body fat is just three percent, even lower than when He was playing. Christ attributed the low figure to His recent food-free, 2,000-year out-of-body reign in His Father's Kingdom.


Meanwhile, the league made a special ruling regarding Christ's crown of thorns, deciding that He may wear the headpiece only so long as He does not unwittingly anoint a player with the forgiving power of His Holy Blood.


Though Hawks fans seem certain Christ can help the team, some NBA experts question whether Jesus is the way.


"The healing power of His Holy Love may get the Hawks into the playoffs, but they can't ride that alone to the championship," NBA commentator Hubie Brown said. "What they really need is a solid power forward who can fill the lane, someone like Cliff Robinson."


Some analysts think that Christ's injuries, along with His added age, may slow Him down.


"Christ isn't going to be 32 forever, and, quite frankly, He hasn't been the same since the Romans drove holes into His hands and feet," NBA analyst and former coach Chuck Daly said. "A painful stigmata injury is difficult to overcome, and it may affect His shooting touch. Still, I'm pretty confident He can rise again."


http://www.theonion.com/content/node/50097