Corny Joke of the day

[Experiment2100]

Why did Ron Artest leave the game early?

So he could beat the crowd.

[baseline bum]

A guy walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands that she opens the sperm bank vault.

She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"

"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???"

"DO IT!"... So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[Useruser666]

That's all in good fun, just as long as Ron Artest doesn't walk into a sperm bank.

[Experiment2100]

How did the pirate pay for his piercings?




With a buccaneer.

[Jimcs50]

How did the pirate pay for his piercings?




With a buccaneer.

It should be: How much did the pirate pay for his piercings?

A buccaneer.


Are you blonde?

:)

[Guru of Nothing]

How did the pirate pay for his piercings?




With a buccaneer.

That reminds me of a line from the old TV show Third Rock from the Sun. John Lithgow was dressed as a pirate for a costume party and someone asked him where his buccaneers were. He replied, "Under my 'bucking' hat."

[Drachen]

Didja see the new Pirate movie???

its rated ARRRRRRRRR!

[Experiment2100]

Two guys walk into a bar, which is pretty stupid because the other guy should have ducked.


P.S. sorry it's so early in the day, but I don't knw what time I'll be on the net in the morning.

[GINNNNNNNNNNNNOBILI]

2 muffins were in an oven... the first muffin says "damn its hot in here" then the 2nd muffin says "WOW A TALKIN MUFFIN"

[travis2]

Y'all look like y'all need some elephant jokes...:)

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
"Here come the elephants over the hill!"

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

How can you tell the difference between a grape and an elephant?
Grapes are purple.

What did Jane say when he she saw the elephants coming over the hill?
"Oooooo, look at all the grapes!" (She was color blind)

How can you tell the difference between a grape and an elephant if you're color blind?
Dance on it for a while. If you don't get any wine, it's an elephant.

[Jimcs50]

Please God noooooooooo.......

Don't give Travis any reason to subject his notoriously bad Elephant jokes upon us. :bang

[travis2]

Just for Jim...

:elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant
How do you get down off an elephant?
You don't. You get down off a duckling.

How can you tell when an elephant is getting ready to charge?
He asks if you accept Visa.
:elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant

[gay abc]

what do gay horses eat?
























HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

:lol

[Slomo]

How do you you know an elephant was in your fridge?




By the footprints in the butter!

[bigzak25]

A man goes to a doctor and says " What shall I do? I've just been raped by an elephant!" The doctor tells him to bend over so he can have a look at his ass. "That's funny!" He says " your asshole is 10 inches wide! I thought elephants only had thin long dicks?" The man says " Yeah but he fingered me first!"




A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married!" The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!" The woman says, "GOOD .... Get your own fucking blanket!!!

[pseudofan]

Travis, I'm surprised it took you this long! God help us. I hope you have run out of elephant jokes.....

[Dre_7]

Why did Ron Artest leave the game early?

So he could beat the crowd.

I got to say that, that is one of the funnyest i've heard in a while.

[travis2]

Travis, I'm surprised it took you this long! God help us. I hope you have run out of elephant jokes.....

Oh, I know you love them...and fear not, fair maiden, I would NEVER run out...:)

Just for you...

:elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant
How are an elephant and a banana just alike?
They are both yellow. Except for the elephant.

Why do elephants travel in herds?
Because if they traveled in flocks, it would confuse the sheepdogs.
:elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant

[Experiment2100]

Why didn't the ocean say goodbye to the earth?

Cause the ocean just waved.

For the elephant guy.

What do you get when you cross an elephant w/ a rhino.
The elephino.

[travis2]

Why didn't the ocean say goodbye to the earth?

Cause the ocean just waved.

For the elephant guy.

What do you get when you cross an elephant w/ a rhino.
The elephino.

*tsk*tsk*tsk*

You have much to learn, Grasshopper...

:elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant
Why do ducks have flat feet?
For stamping out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
For stamping out flaming ducks.

Why do giraffes have long necks?
For spitting on burning elephants.
:elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant

[Experiment2100]

You have much to learn, Grasshopper...
elephino (hell if I know). That's funnier than watching jermaine o'neal punch a pistons fan.

[Samurai Jane]

Please don't encourage him!!!

[travis2]

Please don't encourage him!!!

Ah! More encouragement! Another true fan! http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/liebe/love-smiley-014.gif

:elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant
Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?
Because the white ones always get dirty.

Why do elephants float in the river upside-down?
To keep their blue tennis shoes from getting wet.
:elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant

[gay abc]

what do you call a lesbian dinosaur ???














a lickalotapus

:lol

[Experiment2100]

There are four lizards on a ceiling after one starts singing how many are left.


One: The others fall down when the start clapping.

[Experiment2100]

A senior citizen named Barney was driving down the freeway, when his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice . She sounded urgent as she warned him, "Barney I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Heck," replied Barney, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[Drachen]

A busload of gay men and lesbians charter a bus for the exact same time to leave new york and go to los angeles. Who gets there first.



The lesbians, because while the men are still back in new york packin' their shit, the lesbians get there lickety split.

[ShoogarBear]

http://www.send4fun.com/elephantjokesp.htm

[Experiment2100]

what does DNA stand for






National dyslecsic association

[Experiment2100]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

[Spurminator]

Two penguins were sitting in a bathtub. One penguin said, "Please pass the shampoo."

The other replied, "What do I look like, a typewriter?"

[travis2]

More elephant jokes!

:elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant
Why do elephants wear sandals?
So they don't sink into the sand.

Why do ostriches walk around with their heads in the sand?
They're looking for elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
:elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant

[Taco]

Blond Joke

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN
ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS
TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE
PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT
IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING
TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS
THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE
BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY
AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO
EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE
WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE
BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO
HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD
HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST
THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.


THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE
THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,
AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES
BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND
ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT
ANY FUSS.

I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON".

[Experiment2100]

A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see.... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ....

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" replies Roger, startled.

"Don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes brimming with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh my, I feel so ..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" asks Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" asks Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine continues

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.

Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks. "Thank you, Roger."

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

[travis2]

That's not a joke. That's real life.

[Experiment2100]

That's not a joke. That's real life.

That in itself is the joke.......I think. It's like that Buddweiser commercial wher the chick spends a long ass time looking for a card, while her boyfriend, buys the only one he sees. It's funny cause it's true.

[Experiment2100]

What did the foot say to the sock?

Your coming on to me.

[SpursWoman]

One day this blonde calls her friend and says,
'Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't even figure out how to start it.'

Her friend asks, 'What is it a puzzle of?'

The blonde says, 'From the picture on the box, it's a tiger.'

Well, the friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the pieces spread all over the table.

He studies them for a moment, then studies the box.

He turns to her and says, 'Well, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.'

She asks, 'Oh, how come?'

He says, 'Look, never mind, let's just relax, have a cup of coffee and we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.'

[SpursWoman]

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the funeral, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the funeral director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"

[travis2]

:wow

[Slomo]

:lmao @ SW

This guy is sitting in his car and waiting at the intersection for a funeral to pass by. Afer 20 minutes his still waiting and decides to investigates so he turns the car around and catches the front of the funeral a few blocks down. He notices that there's a man with a dog following the coffin and then all the other mourners are men!

His curiousity peaks so he asks the guy with the dog: Who passed away?
- It's my mother in law, says the guy with the dog.
- What happened?
- Nothing much, my dog bit her and she was dead 24 hours later.
- wow! do you think I could boorow your dog?
- Sure, just wait in line with the others!

[gophergeorge]

What do you do with an elephant with three balls????










Walk him and pitch to the Rhino....

:)

[travis2]

What do you do with an elephant with three balls????










Walk him and pitch to the Rhino....

:)

YES!!!

:elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant

[gophergeorge]

A penguin is driving across Arizona when his car breaks down...

He calls a tow truck to have it moved to the nearest town.

He talks to the mechanic... the guy tells him to come back in an hour and

he will let him know what's up...

The penguin looks across the street and see's a Baskin Robbins...

"Hmm... that is a nice cool spot to hang out..."

An hour later, he waddles back across the street... The mechanic

slides out from under the car... looks up and says... "Looks like you blew

a seal."

"Oh no", said the penguin... "That's just ice cream".

[Experiment2100]

Did you hear about the chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
they named him SUM TING WONG,

[Solid D]

A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see.... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ....

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" replies Roger, startled.

"Don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes brimming with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh my, I feel so ..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" asks Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" asks Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine continues

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.

Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks. "Thank you, Roger."

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

Did you steal this one from Whottt?

[Experiment2100]

Did you steal this one from Whottt?

Um...No

[Experiment2100]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."


MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches.

Don't mess with them.

[Experiment2100]

wat do u get when u cross breed a fish and an elephant

swimming trunks!!

[Trainwreck2100]

I thought I'd bump this because I heard a good one, and I'm REALLY REALLY bored.

Why do porn sites have viruses?

To make the experience more lifelike.
http://img301.imageshack.us/img301/4973/rimshot3wt.gif

[Cant_Be_Faded]

A guy walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands that she opens the sperm bank vault.

She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"

"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???"

"DO IT!"... So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."


:lmao if only i had a ski mask and a gun..

[1Parker1]

What did Shaq first say when he heard Kobe was charged for rape?

Kobe making a pass.......no way! :lol

[E20]

Has anybody heard about the joke about the three guys named: Fuck You, Manners, and Shit?

[sa_butta]

A guy tells his gardener to go to the store to get some ping pong balls. The guy is gone for hours and finally come back with a torn shirt and all beat up. The guy says "what the hell happened to you did you get the ping pong balls?"
The gardener says "holy shit I thought you said King Kong's balls."

Why cant a blonde make Kool Aid?
Cause they cant fit 2 quarts of water in that little packet.

Three friends on deserted island, a blonde, a brunette and a man. They find a genie and get one wish each. The Man says I wish I was back home with some beers having a party. The Brunette says I wish I was with that cute guy from work in my house. The blonde says I just wish I had my friends back.

[Jimcs50]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose mylicense, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things willhappen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"?

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,? "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

:spin

[ShoogarBear]

A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE . . .

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. :lmao :lmao

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you. :lmao

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schoolsuse the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong". :lmao

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring. :lol

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

[Shelly]

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He
wanted a new truck.
She wanted a fast litte sports-like car so she could zip through traffic
around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck,
but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4
seconds or less."

"And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services are pending.

[Shelly]

One of my all time favorites:



Three guys go to a strip club. Trying to impress his friends, the first guy pulls out a ten-dollar bill and beckons one of the strippers over. "Watch this," the first guy says as he sticks the ten between the stripper's breasts.

"That's nothing," the second guy says. Then he whips out a fifty and sticks it between her legs. "Let's see you top that."

The third guy shrugs. "Alright," he says. He takes out his ATM card.

"What are you going to do with that?" the first guy asks.

The third guy swipes the card between the dancer's butt cheeks, takes the sixty dollars and goes home.

[Jimcs50]

:lol

[Trainwreck2100]

A blonde is not respected in her job for being stupid and hears about an island in the that has a genie. So she decides to swim the 10 miles to get to the island. There she meets the genie and she says "I'm not being respected, I wish to be smarter." So the genie turns her into a redhead she swims the ten miles again and goes to her job, but she still isn't being respected. She swims back to the island and tells the genie "i'm still not being respected, I wish to be smarter" so he turns her into a bruenette. She swims back, but she still isn't being respected. The next week she swims to the genie tells him off the same problem and he tells her "I'll help you, but this is the last time" He snaps his fingers and turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge connecting the island to the shore and lives happily ever after.

[Trainwreck2100]

Why did Allen Houston get spared the Allen Houston Clause?

because it was meant for Michael Finley, Cuban payed his media buddies to name it after Houston

[Horry For 3!]

A guy walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands that she opens the sperm bank vault.

She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"

"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???"

"DO IT!"... So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
:lol thats a pretty good one

[Horry For 3!]

One of my all time favorites:



Three guys go to a strip club. Trying to impress his friends, the first guy pulls out a ten-dollar bill and beckons one of the strippers over. "Watch this," the first guy says as he sticks the ten between the stripper's breasts.

"That's nothing," the second guy says. Then he whips out a fifty and sticks it between her legs. "Let's see you top that."

The third guy shrugs. "Alright," he says. He takes out his ATM card.

"What are you going to do with that?" the first guy asks.

The third guy swipes the card between the dancer's butt cheeks, takes the sixty dollars and goes home.
Thats an old one but a classic.

[Jester1525]

:elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant
:elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant

What's the black stuff between an elephant's toes??

Slow Natives

:elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant
:elephant :elephant :elephant :elephant

[Guru of Nothing]

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."

[Trainwreck2100]

Some psychology students were attending a morning lecture. The speaker was droning on and on about peoples thoughts and the lecture had becoming quite boring and uninteresting. Nearing the end, the speaker asked: "A man is on his motorcycle and hurtles into a brick wall at 150 miles an hour. As he hits the wall; what would be the last thing that goes through his mind?"
A bored voice from the back of the auditorium replied, "His fuckin ass.....can we go now?"

[The sone]

what do you get when you cross an elephant with darth vader?

an ELEVADER... ;)

[Sapphire]

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind here!"

The mushroom says, "Why not, I'm a fun guy?"

[Sapphire]

A guy walks into a crowded bar, stands at one end of it and hollers, "Lawyers are assholes!"

A guy at the other end of the bar stands up and says, "I resent that remark!"

The other guy says, "Why, are you a lawyer?"

The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole!"

[hussker]

It's not too often that you hear a joke about blonde guys...

Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One would
dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on
to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy
digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what
they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the
effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do
you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up
again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably
looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who
plants the trees called in sick.

[hussker]

A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember
those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies,
"Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a
mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not
have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are
all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful.
" His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist
and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the
bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom
and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes
passionate
love to his wife like never before His wife says, "Boy, that was
wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into
the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first
time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the
bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the
bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my
wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
- - Services will be held on Monday

[Trainwreck2100]

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the
night with her for $500. He spends the night with her but before he leaves,
he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR
APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that
the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a
check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat
and 3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for
$250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it,
if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please
don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to
contact your present landlady.

[A Serbian Beast]

Whatd the pirate find in his closet?




ARRRRRRRRRRRR Kelly

[Hook Dem]

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then
added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been
$0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead.

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her
to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part
about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone: Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she
died in January."

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what
more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

[Slomo]

Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all you gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!

Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal,fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all thecity boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting awards for shooting - dunno why.

The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at yer like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka [State Rural Exhibition Show] last year! All yer gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of piss!!
You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes yer gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.










Your loving daughter, Jill.

[SWC Bonfire]

Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all you gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!

Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal,fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all thecity boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting awards for shooting - dunno why.

The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at yer like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka [State Rural Exhibition Show] last year! All yer gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of piss!!
You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes yer gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.










Your loving daughter, Jill.

:lmao

[Slomo]

Q: What's a light-year?
A: One-third less calories than a regular year.

[angel_luv]

:lmao


That's great!!!!!!!!!

[Marklar MM]

This lady went to the doctor,so she said to the doc,"Doctor, every time I eat a sandwich with mayonaise, I break out in a terrible rash!" The doctor said," Hmmm, I dont handle these kind of things, but Im gonna send you to a place that specializes in this sort of thing!’ The lady replied,"You mean, theres a place that handles cases like this??" The doctor said," Of course there is! Havent you ever heard of the mayo clinic??"

[Marklar MM]

Why should you never take a shower with a pokemon?

He might pikachu!!

[Marklar MM]

During a huge performance in front of a packed house, the first-chair violinist smelled something aweful coming from the second-chair violinist’s direction. "Did you fart?" he quietly whispered. Without missing a note, the second-chair violinist shook his head and continued on. After a few more minutes the smell got worse. The first-chair violinist asked again, "Did you fart?" And again he shook his head and continued playing. The smell now got much worse and again he asked, only much louder, "God almight, did you fart?" This time the second-chair violinist turned slightly in his direction and said, "No. I shit my pants."

[Marklar MM]

A penis says to his balls ’ come on lads we’re going to a party. ’ The balls reply ’ You fukin liar, you go inside and leave us outside knocking! ’

[Trainwreck2100]

What's the difference between the Spurs and the Mavs???



When the Spurs get to the Finals they win.

[boutons_]

I'm so bummed about Robertas, but got a good joke, it helps...

==============

Don't talk in bed Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the
wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- total silence --

HUSBAND: SHI!T !!

[chode_regulator]

ron artest is a good one

not sure if this has been psted yet or not, i didnt read but the first page

what do muffins and a baseball team have in common..........they both need a good batter :elephant :elephant :elephant

[Slomo]

This middle aged couple go on a Mediterean cruise that includes also a three day tour of Israel. Unfortunately during the tour the wife dies as a result of a heart attack. So the husband has to make the necessary arrangements.

The local funeral home director presents the husband with two options:
"we can arrange for the shipping of her remains back home which we estimate will cost you around 4.500 $ or we can bury her here on the Mount of Olives the holliest place in the holly land for only 150$".

"I chose the first option" says the husband

"Really? that's quite an odd choice since you are obviously religious and considering the price difference... May I ask why?"

"Well you see 2000 years ago a young man died and was burried here, 3 days later he awoke from the dead. I just can't take that chance..."

[sa_butta]

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods
hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the
ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing. His eyes are rolled back in
his head. The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He
gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says,
"Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure
he is dead."

There is a silence........followed by a gun
shot.

The redneck's voice comes back on the line,
"Okay, now what?"
______________________________________________



With the high price of gas, a station in Tennessee was trying to make the high cost of gas worth the cost so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."



Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then
guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close; the number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week."

[1369]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when
his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache!"

"Perfect," her husband said.

"I was in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"

[Slomo]

A horse is trapped in quick sand and is calling for help. A chicken comes runing and the horse says: "go fetch the farmer, he can save me!".

The chicken runs to the farm, but can't find the farmer. She spots the farmer's brand new BMW and drives it to the horse, she throws him a rope, ties the other end to the bumper of the BMW and succesfully saves the horse.

A few days later the chicken is the one trapped in the quick sand. She yells for help and the horse responds. The chicken says: "quick go fetch the BMW!".

The horse answers:"No need for that, my dick is so big just grab it and I'll save you". The chicken does just that and is succesfully rescued!




























Moral of the story: If you have a big dick, you don't need a beamer!

[Slomo]

I got these two links from my nephew today.

http://www.killsometime.com/Video/video.asp?ID=418

http://www.holylemon.com/QVCPorno.html

[BIG IRISH]

Beer is our Friend

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,

Barmen

[BIG IRISH]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a bad name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.

[spurs=bling]

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!" Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!" The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune." The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?" The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

[Eminem]

What is Eminem's favorite t.v. show?


O.C.


:lol

[1Parker1]

What is Eminem's favorite t.v. show?


O.C.


:lol

I don't get...:oops

[1369]

A University of Texas graduate, a Texas Tech University grad, and a Texas A&M University grad were sitting in a bar in Dallas.

The view of the city was fantastic, the beer was ice cold and the food exceptional.

The guy from Tech said, "I still prefer the beer joints back in Lubbock. There's one place where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy 4 beers, he will buy the 5th."

The Texas Longhorn said "Well, at my local bar in Austin, the owner will buy your third drink after you've bought the first two."

"Heck, that's nothin'," the Aggie responded.

"Back in College Station there's this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then when you've had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. And it's all on the house."


The Texas grad and the Tech grad immediately doubted his claims.

"And this actually happened to you?" asked the Texas grad.

"No, not myself personally," he admitted. "But it did happen to my sister."

[Trainwreck2100]

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!" Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!" The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune." The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?" The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."



A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."


MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches.

Don't mess with them.
`

[Cant_Be_Faded]

experiment > trainwreck

[Trainwreck2100]

Experiment is a little bitch

[Johnny_Blaze_47]

Experiment is a little bitch

And here I was going to say you should go back to that name.

[1369]

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse . She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears"

[ShoogarBear]

:lmao

[1369]

Bono is at a U2 concert in Ireland when he asks the audience
for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his
hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the
microphone..."Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the
silence..."Fookin stop doing it then!"

[1369]

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out." He says.

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

[1369]

A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."

At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:

"You'll fuck her again!"

[bendmz]

The police sargent answers the phone;
caller: send a squad car over. There is a Democrat in my front yard
masterbating.
police: you have a what ?
caller: there is a Democrat in my front yard masterbating.
police: now how do you know it is a Democrat ?
caller: hell man, if it were a Repubican, he'd be fucking somebody ! :lol

[DieMrBond]

Yo Mama's So Fat....when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating Disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.

Yo Mama's So Fat....her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."

Yo Mama's So Fat....when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Yo Mama's So Fat....when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.

Yo Mama's So Fat....she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.

Yo Mama's So Fat....I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.

Yo Mama's So Fat....her nickname is "DAAAMN!!"

Yo Mama's So Fat....she could sell shade.

Yo Mama's So Fat....when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

Yo Mama's So Fat....she can't even jump to a conclusion.

Yo Mama's So Fat....she was walking down the street, I swerved to miss her, and ran out of petrol.

[Slomo]

Got this in my e-mail today.

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor - Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read, "I'm gay", "I'm a vegetarian", "I voted for Al Gore", "George Strait Sucks", "Hillary in 2008", and "I'm here to confiscate your guns!" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.


It would have been funnier with a pink Prius.

[ShoogarBear]

A Buddhist monk goes into a pizza parlor, bows, and says, "Make me one with everything".

The pizza guy looks at him, shrugs, and makes a veggie pizza with all the toppings.

He gives the pizza to the monk and says, "That'll be $13".

The monk hands him a twenty, and the pizza guy starts to walk away. "Hey", the monk says, "where's my change?"

The pizza guy looks at the monk, bows, and says, "Change must come from within".

[Viva Las Espuelas]

How do you you know an elephant was in your fridge?




By the footprints in the butter!call me a loser, but i've never understood that joke.

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

I first heard that one as a series of jokes.

How do you fit four elephants in a car?
Two in the front seat, two in the back.

How do you know if there's an elephant in your fridge?
By the foot prints in the butter.

How do you know if there's two elephants in your fridge?
You can hear them talking to each other.

How do you know if there's three elephants in your fridge?
You can hear two of them whispering about the other one behind his back.

How do you know if there are four elephants in your fridge?
Their car is in your drive way.

[Slomo]

CQJSZs-euZU

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

A pirate walks into a bar with his ship's wheel stuck to his crotch. The bartender says, "Geez, that looks uncomfortable. Is it bothering you any?"

And the pirate says, "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"

[Slomo]

A Young woman is visiting a modern art gallery and stops in front of three side by side pictures. The first one is a picture of a burned toast, the second is the picture of a baby and the last one represents a man that had drowned in a river.

As the Curator walks by she asks him: "Excuse me but what do these pictures represent'?".

- "Oh it's a very popular exercise. The artist explores a theme and tries to depict it in different ways."

- The girl is even more perplexed "What is the theme?"

- "Pulled out too late!"

[Mr.Bottomtooth]

:lol The corniest joke I've heard in a long time.

[mrsmaalox]

Yo mama is so ugly that when she tried to enter an ugly contest, they told her "No professionals, please"

[Mr.Bottomtooth]

You're so dirty you wipe your feet before you go outside.

[to21]

A woman was shopping at the local supermarket
where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk man standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ''You must be single.'' The Woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the drunk's intuition, since she was indeed single. As the woman looked at the six items on the belt she saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, She asked: ''Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?''

The drunk replied, ''Cause you're fucking ugly.''

[Mr.Bottomtooth]

:rollin

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

A midget with a lisp needs a horse and goes to visit a man who advertised a mare for sale. Being a discerning buyer, the midget wants to check the horse out thoroughly first so the man takes him back to the stable to see her. The midget tugs on the mans belt and says, "Hey mithta, I wanna thee her teef."

So the man gives the midget a boost up to the horse's mouth and the buyer checks out the teeth. As he goes to set the midget down the little guy pipes up again. "Hey mithta, I wanna thee in her eerth."

So the man hoists the midget up again and he gives her ears a close inspection. With his arms getting tired the man asks the midget if there's anything else he needs to see. The midget replies, "Yeah mithta, I wanna thee her twat."

It's a weird request, but the man really feels like he's close to making this sale. So he tucks the midget under his arm, goes to the back of the horse and starts to lift her tail when the midget starts yelling at him, "Mithta, what da hell are you doing?"

The man puts the midget down and says, "I'm sorry, but you said-"

"I know what I thaid. I wanna thee if da howth can run good. Put a thaddle on her and let me thee her twat!"

[0201rinckwater]

A man walks into a bar pulls out a tiny pianist and a piano and then it starts playing on the bar. Then the man pulls out a lamp and gives it to the bartender. He tells him to rub it and a genie appear and will give him one wish. So the bartender rubs the lamp and he asks the genie that appears for a million bucks. After that he is surrounded by countless ducks. "I didn't ask for a million ducks" And the man that walked in says "And I didn't ask for a 12 inch pianist"

[Slomo]

An Arab in mufti and an Australian are sitting together on a plane bound for Melbourne from Dubai.

After take-off the flight attendant comes round for the drinks orders.

Asking the Auusie what he wants, he orders a large Rum and Coke and the attendant serves him the drink.

Turning to the muslim she asks him for his drinks order.

He replies in disgust: "I would rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let alcohol pass my lips....!!!"

Looking shocked at the outburst, the Aussie quickly hands his drink back to the flight attendant saying:



"Me too.... I didn't know we had a choice!""

[Slomo]

A little girl goes into a pet shop.
She's looking around and then the owner asks her:
"What can I do for you, miss?"
She replies:
"I'm looking for a wabbit."
Owner, as he leads her to the hutches:
"Well, we have some rabbits over here if you want to take a look?"
The little girl walks over and looks into the hutches but doesn't seem to be able to make up her mind so the owner, stooping down to her, says:
"Well now, liddle girly, we have bwown wabbits, cute liddle fwuffy white wabbits and a bwack wabbit.... which would you like?"
The girl thinks a bit and then says:
"I don't think my pyfon gives a fuck!!"

[Slomo]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........ You got nice house.'

[Slomo]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. It had to be deliberate.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.


Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'


And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.

[manufor3]

A guy walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands that she opens the sperm bank vault.

She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"

"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???"

"DO IT!"... So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

:lol

[Amuseddaysleeper]

What did the Joker say when he got in to the shower?

"Evening, Conditioner!"

[Slomo]

This rich guy liked three different girls, but couldn't decide which one to marry, so he gives each 5000$ to see what happens.

The first one spends it all on a new wardrobe for herself including some pretty nice lingerie. While she shows off her new clothes, she explains that she's really doing it for him since she wants to be beautiful for him.

The second one goes out and buys him a new set of golf clubs, telling him that she loves him so much she only could spend the money on gifts for him.

The third one invest the money wisely in stocks, makes a huge profit. While she's giving him back the 5000$, she explains that the rest of the profit is on a joint account she opened so they can enjoy life together.

After some serious thinking, the guy goes and marries the one with the biggest boobs.

[duncan228]

:lol I love this thread.

[Slomo]

Man goes to the docs for a cock extension. Doc suggests a baby elephant’s trunk stitched on for £3,000. Man agrees and 6 weeks later while having dinner with a new girlfriend, he feels the unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night. While chatting over dinner his penis flies out and steals a bread bun off the table and goes back. "Wow" she says "can you do that again?" He says "my cock can but I don't think my arse can take another bun".

[spurfan81]

What do you call a cow without any legs.


ground beef!

[Slomo]

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the T shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment"

My eyes lit up and I thought,

"I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained,

"The egg timer's broken.."

[Blake]

what has four wheels and flies?

a garbage truck

[DPG21920]

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo Drizzle

[DPG21920]

3 men are waiting at the gates of heaven. God comes to the first man and asks: Have you led a good life? The first man says: yes God, I have. I have never cheated on my wife and been a good husband. God says: good, then you get to drive around heaven in a Lamborghini.

God ask the second man: Have you led a good life? the second man says: I only cheated on my wife once and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I apologized, asked for your forgiveness and was a great husband ever since. God says: ok, you get to drive a bmw around heaven.

God ask the third guy the same question and he replies that he has cheated several times, but other than that he was a good man. So God gives him a honda civic.

The guys with the Civic and BMW are driving around heaven and see the guy with the Lamborghini crying. They ask: whats the problem? You led a great life and now you get to drive around heaven in the coolest car. The guy replies: I know, but I just saw my wife riding around on a skateboard!

[AA2120]

knock knock...

whos there?

i eat mop....

i eat mop who??

you eat ur poo?!?!

[Flight3107]

Little Eddie got his report card and received all A's, very excited he rushed home to show his mom and dad, he bust open his mom and dad's door to tell them the good news and finds his dad giving it to his mom doggy style. The little boy slams the door and runs out of the room, the dad says to the mom " I need to go check on my son and see if he is alright". the dad goes to little eddie's door, knocks and walks in only to see his son giving it to his grandmother doggy style, the dad yells "What the hell do you think you are doing?" Little Eddie responds "Its not so funny when its your mom now is it?"

[IronMexican]

A guy walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands that she opens the sperm bank vault.

She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"

"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???"

"DO IT!"... So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

:lmao

[Mark in Austin]

The police sargent answers the phone;
caller: send a squad car over. There is a Democrat in my front yard
masterbating.
police: you have a what ?
caller: there is a Democrat in my front yard masterbating.
police: now how do you know it is a Democrat ?
caller: hell man, if it were a Repubican, he'd be fucking another man in an airport bathroom ! :lol

fixed.

[RuffnReadyOzStyle]

fixed.

I am posting in this thread only because Mark In Austin has appeared! Hail, fellow! Haven't seen you around these parts for ages.

How's things n stuff? :)

[G-Nob]

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
9/11!
9/11 Who?
I thought you said you'd never forget.

[Mark in Austin]

I am posting in this thread only because Mark In Austin has appeared! Hail, fellow! Haven't seen you around these parts for ages.

How's things n stuff? :)


Going well - still working the water conservation issue. I need to get to your end of the planet soon - there's a lot the Southwest US could learn from Australia about water conservation strategies. Also working on using natural systems for stormwater treatment. Good Stuff.

How's things down under?

[jack sommerset]

Who invented the mini skirt?

Seymor Hinney.

[AFBlue]

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one looks over at the other and says...

"Does this taste funny to you?"

[The Reckoning]

According to the U.S. Census Bureau:

9,374 people are having sex right now,

2,130 are kissing.

234 are getting head, and

1 lonely fucker is reading this.


Who invented the toilet?

Sir Thomas Crapper
wait...thats a fact, nvm

[AFBlue]

Question: What does a gay horse eat?

Answer: Haaaaaaaaaayyyyy






Much better in person, but still pretty corny.

[Trainwreck2100]

Elton John goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Elton, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS." Elton is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" Doc says "Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, ten Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts, 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All Bran cereal, and top it off with a litre of prune juice." Elton asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

[Mr.Bottomtooth]

:lol

[marini martini]

At a senior citizen home an old lady comes up to an old man and says, "If you drop yer drawers, I can tell you how old you are." The old man says, "I bet you can't!" So he drops his pants down to his ankles. The old lady leans forward and gets a really good look and then says, "You're 87." The old man says, "That's right! How did you know?" The old lady says, "You told me yesterday."

[Trainwreck2100]

Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?

A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

[tp2021]

She told me to give her 8 inches and to make it hurt.


So I f*cked her twice and hit her over the head with a bottle.

[TDMVPDPOY]

this thread

http://www.jjanego.com/images/upload/mccainhorror_1.gif

http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c195/slimkokujin/palin2.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v101/clawhammer/1223082148779.jpg

[TDMVPDPOY]

i got moar

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b33/RauUtu/fail/1223305611667.jpg

http://i35.tinypic.com/2j2t7br.jpg

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3038/2908087725_91b9091bfe_o.jpg
http://www.apartment210.com/images/palindebate.jpg

http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a345/chumms/face.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v81/PwNeD/palingrad.jpg

http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd33/drinkav8/21312321.jpg

[TDMVPDPOY]

http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g232/RSXTypeSecks/Motivation/1216092195035.jpg

[Trainwreck2100]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,'My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars and it's
A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled..

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daug hter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2.. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3.. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[Cant_Be_Faded]

experiment2100>>>>>>>>>>>>>trainwreck2100

[AFBlue]

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo Drizzle

What does Snoop Dogg wash his clothes with?

BLEEEEAAACCHH!

[marini martini]

What's the difference between a savings bond and a musician?

One will mature and make money!!!

[to21]

Teacher: "Class, to get to know our new President, please go home and make a sentence with your parents using the pronoun 'Obama'"

---next school day---

Teacher: "Okay Johnnie let's have your sentence you and your family worked on last night"

Johnnie: "Our new president Obama says he will give tax cuts to the poor"

Teacher: "Good Johnnie, Leroy let's have yours"

Leroy: "We should be proud as black people to have Obama as our President"

Teacher: "Good Leroy, Jorge let's have yours"

Jorge: "When I got home last night my Papa was sick, when I asked him what was worng he said, "I stopped at the store and picked up a case of Bud and drank them Obama myself""

[I. Hustle]

knock knock

[SpursStalker]

knock knock

Who's there?

[Wild Cobra]

An Italian and Greek man are arguing about who was the better society. After an exchange of so many accomplishments, the last couple exchanges are as follows:

Greek: "We ruled the known world at one time."

Italian: "Yes, but we took that away from you."

Greek: "But we invented sex."

Italian: "True, but we introduced it to women!"

[Slomo]

We've just learned that the Obama Administration will be honoring the 43rd President of the US by naming the boundary between tectonic plates beneath Haiti after him.
The line will now officially be referred to as "Bush's Fault"

[angel_luv]

A comedian friend of mine told me this one.


Why do illegals from Mexico come over the border two by two?













They saw the sign that said " No Trespassing. "

[angel_luv]

We've just learned that the Obama Administration will be honoring the 43rd President of the US by naming the boundary between tectonic plates beneath Haiti after him.
The line will now officially be referred to as "Bush's Fault"

:lol :lol

[Summers]

knock knock


Who's there?



...


What'sthesecretofcomedytiming

[spursncowboys]

local news anchors invoking a pun to introduce a new news story

[ballhog]

A blonde gets pulled over for speeding on the highway.

A blonde patrol officer comes up to the side of the vehicle and asks the blonde for her driver's license.

After a few minutes of rummaging around in her purse, the blonde gal says " I can't seem to find it. What does it look like"

The blonde cop says "it's small and square with your picture on it"

A few minutes later the blonde finds a small mirror, looks at it and hands it to the blonde cop.

The cop looks at it and says "oh, you're ok to go. I didn't know you were a cop".

[manufan10]

:lol

[manufan10]

Golf and Public Restroom Rules:

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

9. Form a loose grip.

8. Keep your head down.

7. Avoid a quick backswing.

6. Stay out of the water.

5. Try not to hit anybody.

4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.

3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.

2. Be quiet while others are about to go.

1. Keep strokes to a minimum.

[manufan10]

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets!"

[manufan10]

When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the hospital immediately. Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in her condition. After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and announced that she was dead!

"How did that happen?" asked the doctor.

"I think she choked to death," said the husband.

[manufan10]

Knock, knock

Who's there?

You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?

You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?

Nevermind, it's pointless.

[clambake]

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets!"
:lol

[thispego]

:rolleyes

[silverblk mystix]

Duck walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says: got any grapes?

NO - says the bartender and the duck walks out.

Next day the duck walks into the same bar and approaches the bartender-gets up on the bar and says: got any grapes?

No-says the bartender and the duck turns around and walks out again.

Next day -the same thing and this time the bartender says-

NO- I don't have any grapes and if you come back again and ask me that shit again, I will nail your feet to the fuckin' bar. Duck walks out again.

Next day ...duck walks into the same bar and approaches the bartender, climbs on the bar and asks the bartender: got any NAILS?


*****

On christmas eve, when Santa and the reindeer go out and deliver presents...what do Mrs. Santa Claus and the female reindeer do?

They go into town and blow a few bucks.

[Skywalker]

Where do cows go on Friday night?






To the mooo-vies.

[The Reckoning]

Golf and Public Restroom Rules:

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

9. Form a loose grip.

8. Keep your head down.

7. Avoid a quick backswing.

6. Stay out of the water.

5. Try not to hit anybody.

4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.

3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.

2. Be quiet while others are about to go.

1. Keep strokes to a minimum.


i was standing at a urinal the other day in the PCL when a little asian ran up to the one next to me. we were the only ones in the restroom. so i kept to my business, and the little guy farted ridiculously loud without a any attempt to hold it in at all. then he ran out. i felt violated. is that against some kind of bathroom rule?

[Slomo]

A little boy is crying in the street.

A man approaches him and asks: "What's wrong little boy?"

Little boy: "My Mom died!"

Man: "That's terrible, do you want me to call someone? Your priest maybe?"

Little boy: "No don't, I really don't feel like having sex right now"

[Trainwreck2100]

Woah for a second there i thought that asshole experiment2100 was back

[I. Hustle]

Cowgo

[I. Hustle]

What do nosey peppers do?


Get jalapeño business

[SpursforSix]

a child asks his dad, "will you lose weight when they get those things out of your back?"
the amused dad replies, "what things?"
the child answers, "the bunnies with no eyes or hair"