Originally Posted by Ed Helicopter Jones
SPAM is good for everyone. . .
No longer just a succulent, delicious luncheon “meat” or an annoying electronic message, the REAL SPAM – Spurs Peak After March - is embarking on another year. The SPAM, however, has been with us throughout time, transcending all boundaries of human existence. Its power goes beyond our meager human understanding of the universe. All you ever need to know can be found in the SPAM.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the history of the mighty SPAM, let me give you a brief history lesson. . .
A few years ago the Spurs were mired in a midseason slump, and this slump was causing chaos in the world of Spurs internet message board posting. A faction of rebels known as “BAMA” had taken over the board and their self-elected dictator, a dark and mysterious creature known by the name of “Ghostwriter” had taken control of the Spurs corner of the internet.
The BAMA faction ruled the board with an iron fist. All posters who disagreed with their opinions were labeled “homers” by the Ghostwriter. Homers were HOYAs and HOYAs were homers, but all of these individuals were outcasts because of their opinions that the Spurs were going to be fine as they were. The Ghost believed in trading the entire Spurs roster for anyone who wore a headband or ever played college basketball for Jerry Tarkanian or St. John’s University.
As the losses mounted during the weeks of February, grief and despair gripped the Forum. The Ghost became a posting zealot as his power grew, creating hundreds of daily ramblings that surprisingly created more and more believers that the Spurs were done unless ballas could be obtained. “David Robinson has nothing left to give.” “How do we get Spree?” “We’re doomed” rang from the rooftops. Many came to believe in the Ghost. In fact, it is believed that a golden Ghost was created from the Spurs ’99 championship trophy, and although people were living in despair, people worshipped the golden Ghost by burning sacrificial Latrell Spreewell bobble-head dolls at its feet.
It was at the peak of this turmoil that I was meandering aimlessly down the aisles of the local Piggly Wiggly. Suddenly I heard a voice from the potted meat aisle. It started as a whisper, but the voice grew louder and louder as I approached the rectangular blue cans of SPAM. I leaned in and listened: “Spurs Peak After March” was echoing over and over from one of the little blue cans.
As you can guess, I scooped up the magical can as fast as I could and took it home. I built a small temple to the SPAM and placed this can on a small alter fashioned from 6 empty beer bottles and the sticks of twelve Hagan Daz ice cream bars I’d consumed the night before.
When I placed the can on the alter it spoke to me again: “Go, tell all men and women that the SPURS PEAK AFTER MARCH. It will bring peace to the hearts of Spurs fans everywhere.”
Well, I did what the SPAM asked, and its words held true. The Spurs went on a late season tear and finished the season strong. As the Spurs wins mounted, their fans on the internet looked around and wondered why they had been so negative about their team to begin with. Peace filled the forum. The golden Ghost was melted down and forgotten. Every Spurs fan slept easy at night knowing they all were filled with SPAM.
When I had completed this task, the SPAM looked down on the Forum and said “It is good”.
Today there is no more HOYA or BAMA. The division is gone. All are free to be fans and have a voice. The SPAM sent the Ghost to PW heaven, and peace once again fills the land.
The SPAM has told me of many things including the 2003 championship, the fact that Kori and LJ would be the chosen gatekeepers for Spurs internet fans by starting their own website, and that it would be a good idea to buy XM Satellite stock after it fell to $1.83 per share in 2002.
This year the SPAM has said that the Spurs road will not be as easy as some people think. March will be a tougher month than in the past, but the Spurs will regroup and be healthy and will go deep into the playoffs. The SPAM mentioned something about a river parade this summer too although I’m not sure what that has to do with the Spurs. :)
Every one of you Spurs fans has the SPAM inside of you. Know this and let it guide you to the truth.
Peace my brothers.
