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Awesome.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/40764
Bush Braces As Cindy Sheehan's Other Son Drowns In New Orleans
September 21, 2005 | Issue 41•38
WASHINGTON, DC—According to White House sources, President Bush is bracing for intensified criticism following Monday's report that the body of Tyler Sheehan, son of outspoken anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan, was recovered from the receding floodwaters in New Orleans.
Although the White House has not released a statement, a firestorm of controversy is expected to follow the death of the dynamic, well-liked young man, who was working on a levee-upkeep crew while completing the EMT-certification training he needed to become a firefighter.
"Tyler was the very picture of an American hero," said Jorge Guiterrez, an Ochsner Hospital orderly present when Sheehan evacuated dozens of patients from its intensive-care unit. "He pulled off-the-clock double shifts moving guys in wheelchairs, guys without arms, guys on dialysis—you name it, he got them on a bus to Baton Rouge."
Before Sheehan moved to New Orleans, he was a struggling coho-salmon fisherman in Oregon's Klamath Basin. However, when the Bush Administration relaxed federal protection of the endangered fish, Sheehan's catch became contaminated with mercury. He gave up fishing and moved to Oakland, CA, where he opened a free clinic, which lost its federal funding in 2002 for giving out oral contraceptives to poor women.
A recent transplant to Louisiana, Sheehan reportedly went above and beyond the call of duty to aid imperiled New Orleans residents, dispensing bottled water and first aid to dazed hurricane survivors between shifts at the breached Canal Street levee.
Sheehan was last seen Sept. 4, hours after he and his levee crew sustained injuries while attempting to shore up storm-weakened levee pilings. According to sources, contaminated water laced with slicks of petroleum from a recently deregulated, poorly fortified refinery ignited, causing third-degree burns among the workers. Survivors recall seeing Tyler, badly injured and without the life jacket and medical kit denied him by recent budget cuts, digging survivors out of the wreckage.
"I don't know how we would have gotten out of there without Tyler," said Dom Ghivarello, Sheehan's crew chief. "Once we got clear of the break, we had no way of getting to high ground without our utility truck, which was requisitioned by the Defense Department last month for use in Iraq. But Tyler threw me his truck keys and went back to help others. That's the last I saw of him."
Sheehan moved to New Orleans in 2004 to take a year off from the University of California at Berkeley, where administrators had temporarily suspended the stem-cell research program in which he was enrolled in hopes of helping to combat his younger sister Ruth's spinal meningitis. Friends report that his public spirit continued in the Big Easy, as he delivered meals to elderly New Orleans residents affected by recent Medicare cuts, and doggedly pe ioned the Justice Department for the release of his life partner, Amin Sagheer, who has been detained without charge at Guantanamo Bay for nearly three years.
"He made service to his fellow citizens his number-one priority," Ghivarello said. "He made that vow back in 1998, when his best friend, a developmentally disabled black juvenile, was put to death in Texas for a crime he didn't commit."
Cindy Sheehan was unavailable for comment, as she was busy trying to contact her lone surviving son Teddy, a meteorologist studying global warming with the International Geophysical Foundation in Antarctica, who is believed to be marooned on a 45-square-mile chunk of the shrinking Ross Ice Shelf that broke off Tuesday morning.
Awesome.
Why the would the white house release a statement? The guy a federal employee? It's a local matter for casualties...
Nice fake story...
You have to be kidding.
Oh .....it got me for like the first paragraph.
that's cold
in awesome
I'm a compassionate person so they got me until this;
"he was a struggling coho-salmon fisherman in Oregon's Klamath Basin. However, when the Bush Administration relaxed federal protection of the endangered fish, Sheehan's catch became contaminated with mercury".
Honestly, I had no intentions of fooling anyone... I thought the le was pretty obvious. Plus, I put The Onion link at the top.
That's what I get for not hitting the link.
I know...I didn't look up at it until I started getting su ious.
"I didn't know her son was in New Orleans..... "
And this ladies and gentlemen, is why I read The Onion as soon as it's posted every Tuesday afternoon.
This week's Onion was one of the best in a while...
Oprah stuns audience with Free Man Giveaway
Bill introduced as joke signed into Law
Scalia Goes On Abortion Bender After Being Passed Over For Chief Justice
And when did they start their Sports page?
This is awsome!
Former Viagra Spokesman Suspended For Using Performance-Enhancing Substances
September 21, 2005 | Issue 41•37
BALTIMORE—All-Star first baseman and sexual-dysfunction-drug pitchman Rafael Palmeiro was suspended for using performance-enhancing substances just weeks after entering the 3,000-hit club and months after appearing on Viagra commercials. "Tests of Palmeiro's blood samples taken during this season have revealed the presence of the muscle-growth-enhancing substance stanozolol," said Commissioner Bud Selig in a statement that many say casts a shadow over Palmeiro's history of solid play and endorsement of the erection-growth-enhancing drug sildenafil citrate. Spokesmen for Palmeiro, who could not be reached for comment, say that he wishes to put the performance-enhancing-drug controversy behind him as soon as possible so that he can return to what he does best, namely baseball and lucrative performance-enhancing-drug endorsement.
Or this one!!!
Terrifying Bill Passed During NBA Playoffs
May 28, 2003 | Issue 39•20
WASHINGTON, DC—With the nation safely distracted by the NBA playoffs, Congress passed the terrifying Citizenship Redefinition And Income-Based Relocation Act of 2003 with little opposition Monday.
Enlarge ImageTerrifying Bill Passed_jump
Dallas Mavericks fans cheer on their team while Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (left) announced the passage of the terrifying new law.
"This piece of legislation is essential, both for more efficient implementation of the New American Ideal and to give law enforcement the broad discretionary powers necessary to enforce certain vital civil and behavioral mandates," said U.S. Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN), addressing an empty press room Sunday, midway through game four of the NBA Eastern Conference finals. "We are confident that Americans will embrace this law, should they eventually realize it has been passed."
Enlarge ImageTerrifying Bill Passed
H.R. 2395 was introduced to Congress on May 15 during the fourth quarter of the San Antonio Spurs' 110-82 victory over the defending-champion Los Angeles Lakers in the deciding game of the Western Conference semifinals.
Andy Guthridge of Savannah, GA, is among the estimated 240 million Americans unaware of the sweeping package of civil-liberties curtailments, voting-privilege re-qualifications, and mandatory relocation of the working poor to the Dakotas.
"Man, I was so glad to see the Lakers finally get knocked off," said Guthridge, who was glued to TNT while the bill's passage aired on C-SPAN. "Shaq and Kobe and the rest of those s have had it coming for a long time."
In addition to allocating $14 billion for "development of surveillance technologies and domestic weaponry," the bill expands the criminal code to include any acts determined to be "a compromise of national interests" by the Justice Department or other federal authorities. U.S. Sen. Joe Biden (D-DE) also tacked on a rider late in the approval process that adds situational provisions to the First Amendment and effectively does away with the Fifth.
The controversial additions might have threatened the law's passage, had they not been made during the closing minutes of the Dallas Mavericks' thrilling 112-99 come-from-behind win over the Sacramento Kings in game seven of their series.
"The First Amendment will still protect almost all of the forms of expression that it always has," said Biden, who will assume his new duties as Commandant Of The Greater West on June 1. "The average patriotic American won't even notice the difference. How about that Jason Kidd? Right now, I'd say he's the best point guard in the East, if not the entire NBA."
Americans' reactions to the new laws were mixed.
"I know everyone's talking about the Nets these days, but the Mavs are still the team to beat," said Plano, TX, resident Doug Abbott, whose vegetable-wholesaling business is slated to be annexed by the newly created Federal Reacquisition Corps. "I'm sorry, but you're not winning an NBA championship with Jason Collins at center. They'll easily get past the Pistons, but come Finals time, [Dirk] Nowitzki's gonna eat him alive."
"No way—this is the Nets' year," said James Cimini of Hackensack, NJ. "With the Lakers out of the picture, it's New Jersey's time to shine. Whether it's the Spurs or the Mavs, neither team can contain K-Mart, Mr. Kenyon Martin. This postseason, he's moved up from being merely a very good forward to one of the league's elite players."
In a nationally televised address before an estimated audience of 150, President Bush praised the Citizenship Redefinition And Income-Based Relocation Act.
"The swift passage of this very important law proves what I have always believed: that government works best when spared the constant carping and criticism of naysayers," Bush said. "I am proud of all the senators, representatives, regional overseers, and metropolitan sub-commanders who worked so hard to make this law a reality. Almost as proud as San Antonio is of its Spurs."
"Man, I was so glad to see the Lakers finally get knocked off," said Guthridge, who was glued to TNT while the bill's passage aired on C-SPAN. "Shaq and Kobe and the rest of those s have had it coming for a long time."
Somebody better post a disclaimer so Dan doesn't repost that article.
Let him.
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