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Sounds like your wife doesn't approve of your friend because she cheated on you with him. Or almost did.
Although married men can also feel free to jump in. My main question is this: do you need to know everything, and I mean everything about your husband? I'm talking about needing to know who he's emailed, what he did when he went out to the store for an hour, what he said to his friend during a phone conversation, etc.
The reason I ask this is that I got into a whole storm with the wife over a situation in which I did not provide her every little detail. One situation involves a friend who I haven't seen in almost two years, we were best friends at one time and then a split occurred. My wife has never been fond of him, and is very sensitive any time his name comes up.
So, I mention to my wife that I'm thinking about contacting him to find out why he hasn't communicated with me in so long. Now, I've given my wife my password to my email account so she can read any transactions that take place. I set a date to meet with my friend on a Friday recently, but just don't really think about telling the wife immediately (also knowing she'll likely get somewhat angry about this meeting).
Turns out that I have something come up and cancel the meeting, since the meeting didn't happen I don't think it's that important to tell the wife about. Well, she goes out of control about how I've lied to her in our relationship, and how my lies are destroying our marriage. Seriously?
I just didn't think it was that important since the meeting never took place. Should I have told her everything speck of information? If the meeting didn't even happen is it worth even mentioning?
She also saw another email where I was just doing the whole married guy joking around thing with another friend, talking about how I've got to get out of the house soon, I'm always getting nagged, etc. Now, this was just joking with a friend, not how I seriously feel about our marriage. BUT, she took me to task over this as well, stating that I've painted her in a negative light to my friends and how she can't look them in the face or be around them again since I've done this. So, am I going crazy? Doesn't everyone vent about marriage with friends from time to time?
Any and all advice from the married women out there is much appreciated, married men (and really anyone with some good insight) is also appreciated.
Sounds like your wife doesn't approve of your friend because she cheated on you with him. Or almost did.
Some women who don't trust themselves typically try and control their man. Its a reaction due to her own shortcomings.
I'm not married but it sounds to me like your wife is insecure.
That's a tough bridge to walk across.
Not married, but I'm pretty sure its normal to vent about like that with friends. I know I did.
No, I don't.do you need to know everything, and I mean everything about your husband? I'm talking about needing to know who he's emailed, what he did when he went out to the store for an hour, what he said to his friend during a phone conversation, etc.
I only want to know what he had for lunch each day, just curious I guess.
Do you have her mail account password?
Do you check on everything she does?
Does she have friends that she has that you don't like?
Sounds like there's more of a backstory than what's given here.
Just the basics is enough for me. I catch myself telling the wife to "cut to the chase" all the time. I don't need to know every detail just what matters but I am a good listener. She listens to my rants about work even though she doesn't have a clue what I'm talking about.
When I go out I just tell her I'm going to have a few beers and she says okay she does like to know where I'll be at though. I remember guys used to hassle me about "checking in" with the wife but I don't see it that way.
Good luck. Marriage takes work.
I don't need to know everything ... but then I don't usually ask a lot of questions anyway, and if I do it's only because I'm interested.
That would probably have rubbed me the wrong way, too ... no one likes to be perceived as someone even their spouse doesn't want to be around. "Nag" is a pretty strong word .... at least to me it is.
Interesting take basics, but I'm very confident she never had anything going on with my friend. He was already married by the time they met and you could tell from the beginning that she didn't like him and in conversations I had with him it was evident he didn't think too much of her.
This is part of what I think contributed to him cutting off communication with me after over 20 years of friendship.
And no, I don't have her email password or any other personal information of hers. I just don't feel the need to search for every bit of information about what she is doing.
I am not married ( yet) but offer you my perspective as a woman in a committed relationship.
Your wife is saying:
1) You've lied to her and your lies are ruining the marriage
2) You paint her into a negative light to your friends.
You need to get to the bottom of why your wife feels like that.
Pick a time when you can listen without getting defensive and offer your wife the opportunity to vent. Hear her all the way out.
That could very well be all she wants.
You may be unintentionally hurting her feelings with your jokes about being married to friends, but you are still hurting your feelings.
Is it worth it to making the jokes? Is it not causing you more stress than it is relieving? Sounds like it.
My bf does our relationship a world of good with the way he lets me express myself and honors my view to the best of his ability.
That is not to say we always agree or that I do ( or should) always get my way.
More than anything, I appreciate being heard and being treated respectfully.
What it comes down to is what is more important, joking with your friends or your wife's feelings?
Which is the better priority, reconnecting with someone who has not bothered to keep in touch with you or honoring your wife who has stuck by you?
Is your wife overreacting to the specific issues you mentioned? Probably.
But I think with your wife is reacting based on how she feels about the deeper issues she expressed- your lies and your bad mouthing her.
I am not suggesting that you have lied or maliciously bad mouthed her. I am just pointing out that your wife's perception is that you have and that is what you need to deal with.
Until then, everything you do is likely to be the straw that broke the camels back.
If you make a consistent effort to prioritize your wife and to consider her feelings more, I think you will find her to be a lot less touchy and much more supportive and obliging.
Kindness breeds kindness, especially when the person already loves you as I am sure your wife does.
Then she very insecure about something.
Or she's guilty herself.
EDIT: Yeah that that was a bone-head move....complaining about your marriage to your boys, when she can read what you wrote.
You're done, dude.
You've given into her griping/ ing/nagging too damn much, and she owns your ass. You don't need to dominate, or wear the pants or anything like that, nothing wrong with a relationship of equals - but your wife doesn't respect you. AND if you try to change things now; since it sounds like a precedence of her owning you is set; she's gonna go bat- crazy if you try to straighten it up now.
I speak from experience - I now have a good, mutally-respectful marriage (19 years this August) - but it wasn't always so. She became obsessed with everything I did for a while there (no su ion of infidelity, either - just literally obsessive jealous of ALL my time; work, play, whatever). I finally got tired of walking on egg-s s, etc...so, whenever the "crazy wife" would show her head, ranting and griping, and generally being completely unreasonable - I wouldn't argue, or even talk to her (can't reason with the unreasonable, after all) - I would walk out, get in the car and leave for a couple of hours - if she was still at it when I got back - gonzo again. The cooling off period was a good thing; kept me from getting too pissed, and saying something that she COULD gripe about - and she, ultimately an intelligent adult, would, apparently consider how she was behaving, and would generally come correct. Haven't had to do it in a while.
Another thing; critically examine your OWN actions in all of this; you are not saint, most likely, and even in the most non-sensical rants, she probably has a point. Figure out what it is (never easy to translate "crazy wife talk"; and correct/admit to it. Don't, however, admit to something that isn't right; that's how you probably got into this situation in the first place.
Sounds like you all haven't been married very long. Believe me, the longer you are together the less important things like that become. It's just some kind of crazy insecurity some women go thru early on. I did an abbreviated version of that stuff (I was young--22) but got over it soon enough. What I find disturbing is the accusations of "lying"; that may run a little deeper than insecurity.
Here is an advantage of marriage that I have discovered in my short experience with it...and this applies to the situation youre talking about (wife wants to know everything) and many others...
Neither of you would leave one another over something so trivial. So if its something that bothers you, tell her "This f-ing bothers me, so I am not doing it anymore". End of discussion.
You arent asking to go on some European trip with the boys (not that there is anything wrong with that) or a similar situation that requires her consent or prior knowledge.
This is about the nit-picking part of your day. Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that I will not debrief you about every moment of my ing day. You either trust me or you do not.
Either way, that s on you, not me. Im not here to cater to your ing psychosis and insecurities. Youre just going to have to deal with "not knowing".
BTW, if that is enough to send your marriage into a tailspin, youre better off without. I had to have this conversation with my wife before we were married (living together a long time though).
I think women have a hard time understanding how men can go through a day without remembering every frickin detail of their movements. I would never even think to catalogue for a later date is asked and Im like "I dont remember what ing street I took to get to the goddamn store! How many steps did you take to get your car?"
Because I dont.
Her insecurity stems from her lack of ability to trust herself.
Its very common in women that aren't happy. Just sayin. I'm not trying to troll you.
Wow, I have to hear this. Please explain, seriously.
maybe she's looking for an excuse to misbehave.
you know......the "You drove me to it" position.
Aside from these two examples, does you wife behave in this manner about everything?
She has a low self esteem. She doesn't trust herself, for whatever reason, it results her trying to control someone else.
Pretty common.
Lack of self control leads to attempting to control others.
Get out or get her to counseling. My ex was the same way. Everyone needs their personal space/privacy. It's only gonna get worse.
She has your email password? I always think that is plain re ed, but if you know she's got it and is reading your email... might not be the best place to vent about the wife.Although married men can also feel free to jump in. My main question is this: do you need to know everything, and I mean everything about your husband? I'm talking about needing to know who he's emailed, what he did when he went out to the store for an hour, what he said to his friend during a phone conversation, etc.
The reason I ask this is that I got into a whole storm with the wife over a situation in which I did not provide her every little detail. One situation involves a friend who I haven't seen in almost two years, we were best friends at one time and then a split occurred. My wife has never been fond of him, and is very sensitive any time his name comes up.
So, I mention to my wife that I'm thinking about contacting him to find out why he hasn't communicated with me in so long. Now, I've given my wife my password to my email account so she can read any transactions that take place. I set a date to meet with my friend on a Friday recently, but just don't really think about telling the wife immediately (also knowing she'll likely get somewhat angry about this meeting).
Turns out that I have something come up and cancel the meeting, since the meeting didn't happen I don't think it's that important to tell the wife about. Well, she goes out of control about how I've lied to her in our relationship, and how my lies are destroying our marriage. Seriously?
I just didn't think it was that important since the meeting never took place. Should I have told her everything speck of information? If the meeting didn't even happen is it worth even mentioning?
She also saw another email where I was just doing the whole married guy joking around thing with another friend, talking about how I've got to get out of the house soon, I'm always getting nagged, etc. Now, this was just joking with a friend, not how I seriously feel about our marriage. BUT, she took me to task over this as well, stating that I've painted her in a negative light to my friends and how she can't look them in the face or be around them again since I've done this. So, am I going crazy? Doesn't everyone vent about marriage with friends from time to time?
Any and all advice from the married women out there is much appreciated, married men (and really anyone with some good insight) is also appreciated.
To answer your initial question, no. I don't need to know every little detail about the person I'm dating. As long as I feel like I can trust the person I'm with enough to fill me in on the big stuff, I think it's imperative that we each have our own lives.
The examples the OP gave of what his wife said to me did not signify a wife who is generally controlling.
I am not saying she isn't ( I don't know her- none of us do so we can only guess based on the one sided information we have.)
The original poster did list some very specific complaints his wife had.
Isn't it possible that those issues contribute to the wife's reaction, which is controlling?
My feelings are sometimes hurt by mean things people say. Does that automatically mean that I am always insecure and over sensitive?
No. I think it means that I do not like being treated meanly and when I respond in a way that is a natural, understandable reaction.
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