Your Guide to All-Star Weekend Parties

[duncan228]

Your Guide to All-Star Weekend Parties
SportingNews

If Mark Cuban is to be believed, this weekend in Dallas is going to make the Super Bowl look like little Benjamin Weinberg’s bar mitzvah. And while Ben’s rockstar-themed party was pretty awesome—I still have my inflatable guitars!—it can’t compare to what’s going down in DFW this weekend.

Thankfully, I’m here to help all you party animals pick the best soirees in town. Print these notes out and take them with you everywhere. You won’t regret it. (Disclaimer: I am Jewish and hate clubs. Also, some links contain incredibly annoying promotional music.)

Weirdest Order of Guests: Dallas native Darrell Arthur hosted a party last night with lots of NBA stars in attendance. The list of featured guests, in order: Paul Pierce, Tony Battie, and Kevin Durant. I don’t care how many people Battie knows in Dallas—this is ridiculous. Although it is fitting that the club used to be called Purgatory.

For Dads Only: Last night’s shindig hosted by Magic Johnson, Alonzo Mourning, and Doug E. Fresh was a big hit with anyone who used to dress like this.

Most Name Recognition: LeBron James and Drake are hosting together in "the hottest high-rise building in downtown Dallas." With only 10 bars and seven party areas, you’re bound to run into both of them. Extra points to Drake for recording his welcome message/advertisement over the phone. I’m sure he’s really excited to be there.

Best Opportunity for Shocking Photos: Beamers, which sounds like a laser tag place, has Carmelo Anthony, Kevin Durant, Deron Williams, and Al Horford. Watch as three of the league’s quietest young stars show a side you’ve never seen.

Most Surprising Lack of Celebrity Pull: Diddy was somehow able to get no one better than Josh Howard and Greg Buckner to come to his party. Diddy’s exact quote in the recorded ad: "Greg Buckner, you know how we do."

Best Level of Any Multi-Leveled Party: On Friday night, Bacy’s has Brandon Jennings, "Johnny" Flynn, Tyreke Evans, DeJuan Blair, "Daunte Green," and Earl "Clarke" all on one level of a six-level party. Forget about the spelling errors. Go and stay there—it will be the night of your life.

Most Game-Changing Absence: Union Station was supposed to have a party hosted by Allen Iverson and Michael Vick. Now that the Answer’s not in Dallas, Vick will be all alone. You do the math. (Runner-up: Iverson now leaves Cash Money’s Birdman as the only host of this party.)

Best Poster Outfit: Kobe Bryant’s multi-pocketed bowtie rain jacket suit.

Best Proof of Free Agent Plans: Dwyane Wade and LeBron James are hosting at HYB after the game on Sunday night. Definitive evidence that they are planning to play for the Knicks next season.

Most False Advertising: It is highly unlikely that Kobe, Wade, LeBron, and Dirk will all attend Rajon Rondo’s party. You’ll be lucky if you get Tony Allen.

Most Hilarious le: For the Love of All-Star, hosted by Ray J.

[resistanze]

"Greg Buckner, you know how we do."